Down, But Not Out
by gruntledfemale
Summary: The summer before her senior year, Quinn suffers a major trauma and she returns a completely changed young woman. Her new self awareness bring about a romance she never expected to happen, but can it survive the hardships she's about to face and her struggle through getting past the summer she never truly dealt with? Beyond that, can she win Rachel back when she gives in to fear?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Glee, or Glee itself.

Author's Note: Ok, so I took this down for a while for a multitude of reasons, one of which was that I decided a lot of it needed to be re-written. Unfortunately I got kind of sidetracked working on my novel and didn't have time to get to it, but now that the book is done I have the time to go through and do some re-writes. Granted, this story doesn't exactly follow my normal style of writing, but I enjoy it anyway so hopefully you will too. If you've read it, let me know if you like the changes If not, hopefully you'll like it as it is Oh, also, I'm going to apologize ahead of time… I don't currently have a beta, so there might be mistakes in here. I try to go over stuff more than once to catch mistakes, but I'm bound to miss some stuff without a second pair of eyes. If it is in bold face, it is Quinn's inner dialogue.

The loud pulsing beat of techno music spilled out into the alleyway as the metal door creaked open. A single silhouette poured out onto the pavement amidst the rectangle of light that framed it with its golden glow. She stepped out into the chilly fall air and wrapped her coat further around her body as she heard the doors metallic clank when it shut behind her, leaving her swathed mostly in darkness. Her heels were the only sound as she neared the edge of the alley, their steady staccato never displaying her level of exhaustion after a long night of working. Someone cleared their throat and she paused, her entire body tensing when she realized that she wasn't alone. Her eyes slipped shut and she squared her shoulders, the mask of indifference slipped across her face and she took in a slow steady breath before she convinced herself to turn the corner.

When she had taken this job, she had assumed that the worst part of it would be the actual work itself, but she had never been more wrong. This, this was the worst part, and she hated it. It was an inevitability one that she had never gotten used to, and she hated it. Admittedly, her life didn't really fit the bill for what she would consider decent, but this… this always made her feel lower and dirtier than was ever necessary. It came with the territory, she supposed. She had heard that some of the more upscale clubs had bouncers that walked you to your car to avoid these very circumstances, but this was not one of those clubs. Had she not been desperate she could have been choosier, but that wasn't how it had happened and that meant there was no escort and there were always frustrated customers waiting outside.

It didn't help that this particular club was a hotspot for an assortment of local politicians, judges, and businessmen, which meant that there were dancers who often did more than just dance for some of the more powerful customers. She was not one of those dancers, had never even considered becoming one of those girls. The very idea appalled her. She did this for one reason, and one reason only… she did this to survive. Her refusal to give in had never gone over well with her regulars, and it had become beyond common for her to find at least one of them waiting for her when her shift was over, in hopes that they could smooth talk her into submission.

So, as usual, she found herself lifting her head high and tensing every muscle in her body as she prepared to deal with whoever waited. The tiny hope that she had managed to grasp onto each night that she would find her pathway empty had burned out, and she chewed lightly on her bottom lip and glanced at her car before fixing her face back into the mask as she approached him. She increased the length of her stride, her gaze focused on the small car that would be her salvation, her attention secretly on the man that was leaning against the brick wall of the building while he eyed her.

"Hey baby, how about you help me with a problem of mine?" She swallowed down the disgusted swell of nausea she felt when he spoke. Although, she had to admit, at least that was more delicately worded than most but that wouldn't last past her denial of his request.

"You know the rules... looking, no touching." He smirked and pushed himself off the wall, the wobble in his gait as he moved towards her displaying his level of intoxication.

"It's not really a rule, just a suggestion, and that's just for inside." He reached for her, barely missing her as she smoothly sidestepped his grasp.

"Look, I'm a stripper, not a whore. I don't have sex for money. The _rules _are the same, regardless of where we are." She tightened her hand on the mace in her pocket, preparing for the struggle she knew was coming.

"Wasn't planning on paying. You whores are all the same; leave the guy blue, who cares how he hurts." He reached for her again.

"You don't have to come to the club." She shrugged and tightened her fingers painfully around the small can as she watched the nasty sneer curl up his lip.

"Listen, bitch. I'm gonna get what I want. It'll be easier if you don't fight." She internally cringed at the menace dripping from him; externally she calmly slipped a foot behind his wobbly leg and shoved him backwards. Once he was down she emptied half of the mace can into his face before she darted across the parking lot and into the security of her car.

Her hands didn't budge from the steering wheel as she peeled out of the lot, her knuckles white as she clutched it too tight. Once the lights of the club were no longer visible in her rear view mirror, she pulled the car into a deserted parking lot and quickly threw her door open before she emptied the contents of her stomach onto the pavement. She slowly closed the door before returning shaking fingers to the steering wheel. She leaned forward and rested her clammy forehead against the cool surface between her hands.

"Two more weeks, you can do this, just two more weeks." It was her current mantra, and she repeated it to herself quietly, interspersed with deep calming breaths. She had used several mantras over the last two months, but this one was meant to provide hope rather than strength. In two weeks she would have enough money to quit this job and return to Lima. In two weeks this nightmare could end and she could return to some semblance of a normal existence. She would have enough money for the small room she had procured for herself, the food she would need, and the life she could return to. It was enough. Her settlement would come before she ran out, she was sure of that. Two weeks and Quinn Fabray could start her senior year of high school.

Quinn had expected her return to McKinley to be a relief, to be a comfortable return to her normal life, the life she had fought so hard to come back to after a summer that had felt like a continuous nightmare. She hadn't expected things to immediately fall right back into place of course, not after everything she had been through, after how drastically she had changed since last year. She knew she wasn't the same girl that had been the head cheerleader, that had sung her heart out with the glee club, that had tormented those that she felt she needed to in order to stay on top. She knew she was different, and that no one but her knew why. When she had walked silently back into McKinley, she knew it would be an adjustment, what she hadn't expected was for it to be quite as awkward as it truly was.

Santana had spotted her from across the parking lot, catching her just as she pushed through the front door and into the main hallway.

"What the fucking hell Q?"

She didn't even look at the girl. Instead, she walked confidently passed her, not so much as pausing until she arrived at her locker. Quietly she uttered her response, her voice deep as she turned the dial in front of her. "Santana."

The cheerio's eyebrows lifted in surprise at the sound of the deeper voice that came from Quinn's mouth, and she leaned against the locker beside her to look at her. "How many packs a day did you smoke this summer?"

"Did you want something?"

"What the fuck? Seriously, where the fuck have you been? I must have called you a thousand times. You just disappeared off the face of the earth, and now you show up looking like some sort of goth fucking pod person. Did you finally murder Berry and are playing your evil twin to cop the insanity plea, or what?"

She closed her eyes for a second, cringing slightly at the mention of her previous behavior towards Rachel, a wave of guilt washing over her as she stood there. "Why would I have murdered Rachel?"

"Rachel! Since when do you call keebler the cross dresser Ra—"

She slammed her locker shut and turned away from the stunned Latina, earning a glare from her. "I have class."

"What's wrong with you? Seriously, what the fuck?"

She walked faster, ignoring the string of insults that followed her as Santana realized that Quinn had effectively dismissed her, rolling her eyes as they transitioned from insults about her wardrobe into unintelligibly angry Spanish. She didn't even pause as she headed towards her first class, steadily ignoring the stares on all the faces she walked by as they cleared out of her way. The stares had been expected, she knew how different she looked from the Quinn Fabray they had all known.

When she had adopted her stage persona at the club, she had been told it needed to be some sort of gimmick, something to get their attention. Between the deep red dyed hair, the nose ring, the dark makeup, and the gothic style clothing she had taken to wearing, she was barely recognizable as Quinn Fabray. But that had been exactly the goal she was attempting to achieve. She never dyed her hair a second time, hoping to return to blonde after her brief stripping experience, and now it was an unfortunate shade of pink. Her clothes were mostly from thrift stores and the few articles she actually salvaged from her act; after all she started her evenings on stage clothed. She hadn't been willing to buy new clothes for school, and she had left her parents house with nothing, but rent was more important than image. She was so used to wearing heavier makeup that she only lightly toned it down when she came back to Lima. She had become too comfortable using this face as a shield to revert completely. The new look she now prowled the halls sporting had the school in a buzz of confusion.

She ignored all of the questions put forth in favor of keeping a mystery around herself. It felt safer that way, too much in her life was different, she was too different and had no desire to put forth an explanation. She honestly didn't care anymore what most of these people thought anyway. The few people that actually meant anything to her...well she opted to completely avoid them as much as possible. She didn't know what to say to most of them. She wasn't even remotely the person they thought they knew. She felt horrible about refusing to attend glee club, but she wasn't sure she could handle walking into that room, seeing those familiar faces. She had disappeared on Mercedes, even after living with the girl for months last year, and she felt guilty about it. They were so close towards the end of her pregnancy, and she knew the other girl would be hurt by her disappearance.

Her eyes perused the people in the hallway that parted for her, her gaze steadily avoided the faces of the glee club as she walked past them. Puck was frowning at her and she straightened her shoulders, refusing to make eye contact with him. Finn was staring at her exposed stomach with a glazed look on his face and she felt a small wave of disgust pass through her, fully reaffirming her newfound distaste for the male gender. So many men had tormented and attacked her in her young life; all she saw now was their inevitable potential to become the disappointments she knew they eventually would. She saw only their desire to use her for their own needs before turning their backs and it sickened her. They were human shackles that her family, her job, her life had tried to force her into, and now she carried a permanent hatred towards them. She had often smirked to herself during her summer and thought 'forget celibacy club, just live my life, you'll never fuck a man again.'

She was about to duck down a side hallway and sneak out for a cigarette when Finn shifted to the left and familiar dark eyes landed on her, as Rachel stepped out from behind him to look at her. Her brow furrowed as she took in Quinn's appearance, concern filling her eyes as she finally met Quinn's gaze. She felt trapped in that gaze, held captive by soft brown eyes and she slowed as the brief moment stretched out between them. As she neared the end of the hallway someone bumped into her breaking the moment and she quickly darted into the bathroom, and dropped her head back against the wall behind her and closed her eyes. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest, her breath struggled as her memory drifted back to one night over the summer that had brought a harsh reality she hadn't ever dealt with before slamming to the forefront of her consciousness.

- _Quinn had recognized the man the second he came into the club, her entire body tensing to a degree that was actually bordering on pain. Her hand fisted in the curtain she had peeked around when she had heard the yelling that was coming from the floor. She felt a hand on her shoulder and she turned to see warm brown eyes looking at her, concern evident in the soft touch. _

"_What's wrong?"_

"_That man… I know him."_

_Carmen leaned to her left to peer around her shoulder, her eyes narrowing as she watched the bouncer grab the older man and pull him towards the door. "Yeah, he was a regular for years, but he was thrown out once before. I'm really surprised he got back in… although come to think of it, I haven't seen him in here since you started."_

"_He's a judge."_

"_Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's mentioned that to try to get a few free lap dances."_

"_I know him because he's a judge." Her fingers tightened on the curtain, her knuckles turning white as her nails dug into her own palm through the surprisingly thin material. _

_Carmen's gaze moved back to Quinn, her brow furrowing as she took in the girl's body language. "Hey… are you ok?"_

"_He… he just grabbed her, he… hit her… and he's just going to get thrown out. No cops, no jail time, no anything…" She swallowed, her eyes staring off into the distance as her brain pushed the image of her father's sneering face as he walked out of the judges chambers and looked right at her to the forefront of her mind. _

"_Quinn… hey, Quinn?" She wrapped her hands around Quinn's arms and turned her away from the stage and silently led her towards the dressing area. She gently deposited her in a chair before briefly disappearing, only to reappear a few minutes later. "Come on, we're done for the night, let's go get a drink."_

"_I… I have that lawyer that comes every Friday, he-"_

"_Not tonight you don't, come on."_

_ When Quinn finally blinked her eyes clear enough to acknowledge where she was, she found herself in a strange living room, her brow furrowing in confusion. Carmen appeared beside her on the couch, a bottle of rum in one hand, and two glasses in the other. She watched as the woman poured the liquid into the glass and handed it to Quinn, who immediately drained the contents and held it up for a refill._

"_Wow, um… that was unexpected… drink often?"_

"_My ex, he used to throw a lot of parties…"_

_Her eyebrows lifted on her forehead, and she handed Quinn back her refilled glass. "Bad boy, huh? Didn't think you were into… that kind of… well, just didn't see that coming."_

_Quinn drained her glass again, this time reaching for the bottle herself and filling the glass halfway before she started to sip the alcohol while she furrowed her brow and looked at the woman beside her. "What? What do you mean?"_

"_I've known you for a while now Quinn, and I've seen how you look at… well…" _

_She took a sip and turned her head, pleased when the room blurred slightly until her eyes focused on the warm brown eyes that were watching her. _

_**She looks so much like…**_

_**Don't go there, seriously don't.**_

_**Those eyes though…**_

"_Look at what now?" She licked her lips as she looked into eyes that were so familiar, but different, and she lifted her glass to her mouth again. _

"_Look, I know that I don't know you very well, but I've known a lot of girls in this profession and you… well the way you respond to the customers—"_

"_You say that like it's a bank or something, like we don't spend our nights with scumbags pawing at us." She could hear the bitterness in her own voice and she swallowed more rum. _

"_Yeah, that's kind of the attitude I was referring to… you don't seem to like men too much."_

_She snorted and took another sip of her drink. "The last time I trusted a guy…" She closed her eyes and swallowed thickly. "… I had nine months to regret it, not that I'll ever really be ok again after that one."_

"_You have a kid?"_

"_No, she's… she's someone else's daughter now." She emptied her glass and poured herself some more. "I don't want to talk about her."_

"_Why'd you sleep with him?"_

"_What? Why wouldn't I?"_

"_Come on Quinn…"_

"_What?" She turned to meet chocolate eyes once again, swallowing when the blurry face morphed slightly, matching one in her memory, a brilliant smile as a girl that wasn't there ducked her head and tucked hair behind her ear flashed to the forefront of her mind. She licked her lips, her eyes focusing on the mouth of the woman that sat beside her. _

_**She's so beautiful… I love it when she tucks her hair behind her ear. Why does she have to be so beautiful?**_

_**She's always been beautiful, you just refused to admit it. **_

_**Why did I have to be so mean to her? **_

_**Because you were afraid. **_

_**How did she always just let it roll off of her, let it make her stronger?**_

_**Oh god, she's staring right at me… is it wrong that I want to kiss her?**_

_**How could it be wrong when she's so amazing?**_

_She lifted one hand and brushed dark hair away from the face that was staring at her, her head angling as she leaned forward. At the first brush of warm lips against her own she moaned and pushed forward, deepening the kiss as her hand came up to tangle in soft dark hair. Her entire body caught fire, a twinge of something intense surging to life low in her belly before it sparked out across her entire body. She felt fingers slide up her throat and she shuddered, another moan escaping her throat. "…mmm Rachel…"_

_Carmen pulled back, her eyes narrowed as she looked at Quinn, hazel eyes still closed as she leaned forward towards the mouth that had vanished. "Who's Rachel?"_

_At the sound of the voice that was decidedly not Rachel's, she opened her eyes as panic spiked across her chest. Her hand dropped to her lap and she moved away from the woman that was staring at her with her so very Rachel like eyes. "What?"_

"_Who's Rachel?"_

"_What are you talking about?" She finished her drink and reached for the bottle, attempting to push away the fear that was churning in her stomach. One darker hand covered her own before Carmen moved the bottle further over on the table out of Quinn's reach. _

"_Calm down Quinn, stop panicking… It's ok."_

"_No it's not! Don't fucking tell me it's ok." She moved to stand and the world spun. She closed her eyes and dropped her face into her hands. There was a brief uncomfortable silence and then a soothing hand was rubbing circles on her back as she pulled her sideways onto her lap and began to soothingly run her fingers through her hair. "What are you doing?"_

"_Calming you down."_

"_I don't-" _

"_Take it easy Quinn, you're going to be ok."_

_She started to pull away when the room began to spin and she clamped her eyes shut and allowed herself to be pushed back down until her head was pillowed by Carmen's lap. She lifted her hands to cover her face and curled further onto her side, struggling with the warring emotions that swirled fuzzily inside her head until the world slowly faded into darkness as she succumbed to the combination of alcohol and comfort. _

_When she woke she panicked, realizing she was in a strange room with her head on someone's lap and she bolted upright, immediately regretting it when her stomach protested angrily. _

"_You ok?"_

_She turned her head, taking in a breath as she recognized Carmen's blinking eyes. "I… I need to go…"_

"_Did you know that I was raised by a minister?" She paused, confused by the response and turned to look at her, brow furrowed. "What?"_

"_My father was a minister at a church in the tiny town I grew up in. When I was thirteen, he caught me kissing my best friend Megan and threatened to send me to one of those camps, you know the one's where they try to make you straight…"_

"_Why are you telling me this?"_

"_If I can come from the background that I do and still know that it's ok for me to be gay… then maybe you'll understand that it's ok for you too."_

_Quinn lifted her face from her hands, her head finally turning to look at the woman beside her. "I… I'm not—"_

"_Why don't you tell me who Rachel is…"_

"_She's just some girl that I go to school with."_

_Carmen smiled and took a sip of her drink before she turned sideways on the couch, crossing her legs as she looked warmly over at Quinn. "Let me guess, you're not exactly friends with her?"_

_Quinn shook her head and sighed before she settled back against the couch, one hand lifting to rub her eyes before she responded. "We're sort of friends, I guess… I kind of tormented her for years. She's just so… annoying."_

"_Annoying?"_

"_Yeah, I mean, we all tortured her and she just used it to make herself better, stronger. I… she… whenever I get on that stage, I picture her using the insults to be that much better, to pour her heart into one of her performances… and somehow it gets me through it. I don't know how she does it, we've all been so horrible to her, and she just holds her head high and refuses to let any of us change who she is.'_

"_She sounds amazing."_

_Quinn laughed lightly, a warm smile curving up her lips. "Yeah. She… she told me once that, that I was more than a pretty face… no one's ever said anything like that to me before. It's always been about my looks."_

"_Well, you're a beautiful woman Quinn… and a lot of beautiful women don't really get to show who they are beyond that, most of the time people don't take the time to see who they are as people."_

"_Rachel does… she always has."_

"_So what you're telling me here, is that you've tortured the girl because your afraid of how she makes you feel?"_

_Quinn rolled her eyes. "Yeah, ok, I get it…"_

"_So maybe you should get over yourself and stop letting how you were raised control who you think you have to be."_

_She closed her eyes, her hands covering her face once again. "It's too late anyway, I mean… yeah I think about her differently, and yeah I realize how I feel about her… which for the record, thanks to you I'm totally going to panic about when I sober up…"_

"_Well then we'll have this conversation again until you're not quite so afraid anymore."_

"_It's too late, she'll always think of me as the girl that tortured her, and she's straight anyway."_

"_Well, you know, she can be the first girl you fell for without anything actually happening… we've all been there." She laughed and smiled as Quinn's gaze met hers once again. _

"_Why are you being so nice about this? I kissed you and said another girls name…"_

_She blushed slightly causing Quinn to raise her eyebrow. "It's probably a good thing that you did that, it is kind of illegal for me to do anything with you… however maybe when you get over the straight girl, and turn 18… well now I've laid the groundwork for… later." She winked and Quinn blushed and looked away. _

Realizing she was crazy about Rachel only reinforced her decision to be anywhere the glee club was not. When she wasn't in class Quinn tried to make sure she was only ever in places the diva would never go. This meant a large portion of her time was spent under the bleachers, which she didn't really mind at all. She knew one of the girls that hung out back there, had been casual friends with her before Mack had quit the Cheerios two years ago. She had been quickly accepted into Mack's circle of friends. What mattered most about the location was its infamous reputation as the smoking area. Quinn knew Rachel prided her voice to the point of obsession and would never be caught dead around that much smoke. To be honest, Quinn had taken up the bad habit purposefully over the summer. Cigarettes were one of the few excuses the dancers had to go outside in between performances, and Quinn had craved the cool calming air outside the stuffy club. Now she stood behind those very bleachers, puffing her cigarette slowly and watching the smoke swirl around her while she tried to pay attention to the conversations around her.

"Quinn?" Fuck. That sounds like…

_**Rachel. That's Rachel.**_

_**I know it's Rachel. **_

_**Well don't look at her.**_

_**But she's right there! And she's wearing one of those skirts that she wears…**_

Quinn licked her suddenly dry lips, her tongue darted out and lingered over her bottom lip, as her eyes traveled up Rachel's bare legs.

_**She's saying something to you.**_

_**She is, isn't she? Crap. **_

_**Well pay attention!**_

_**Shut up and be helpful! What's she saying?**_

_**Right, something about glee being a family. **_

_**Ok, seriously. Crap. That's not helpful.**_

_**But she doesn't hate you, that's good.**_

_**Why doesn't she hate me?**_

"I'm not coming back to glee Rachel." She tensed slightly as she realized how deep and husky her voice sounded, hoping that Rachel would just blame it on the cigarettes.

_**Look what you did! She looks sad. **_

_**Shut up. **_

_**No… you promised not to make her sad any…hey wait, did she just check you out?**_

_**Ok, now you're seriously just imagining things.**_

_**So very much not! She's totally staring at your stomach. **_

_**In your dreams… Seriously... Dreams.**_

_**Say something.**_

_**No.**_

_**You're stupid, and now she's leaving. Did I mention you're stupid?**_

_**Shut up.**_

Quinn turned back to the girls around her, internally kicking herself. She had watched as Rachel's face had fallen in disappointment at the rejection. She closed her eyes and pressed her fingers against the bridge of her nose, she could feel a headache forming somewhere behind her eyes. Rachel had been right there, right in front of her, and not only had she been too busy arguing with her ridiculous internal voice to actually have a conversation with the girl, but she had made the brunette think nothing actually changed between them. She was an idiot. She had no idea why the singer wanted to be around her at all after everything she had done to her, but she immediately regretted putting that look on her face yet again. Why did she have to reject the girls' offer of friendship again, seriously what was wrong with her?

_**You know why. It's too much. You would have to see her with him every day. **_

_**Yeah I would, not just with him, but with his disgusting paws all over her all the time. **_

_**Seriously, why does he have to touch her so much?**_

_**Wouldn't you?**_

_**It would hurt too much. **_

_**I'm sorry Rachel, I just can't.**_

Quinn's supposedly brilliant idea to avoid Rachel, at all costs, wasn't exactly going the way she originally planned. She found herself inexplicably drawn to the diva, attempts to run into her becoming a rather daily occurrence. She had to admit to herself that her over-protective nature contributed to this in ways she hadn't exactly anticipated. It appeared as though the rest of the school hadn't received the memo that their previous ringleader had changed her opinion of the girl. She foolishly assumed that if she didn't paint the target on the brunette herself, the torment would fall by the wayside to freshmen and newer drama. She had never been more wrong. The school seemed to increase their attacks the nicer Quinn was to the small singer. Every little smile that crossed her features when the brunette entered her line of sight seemed to genuinely anger the students around them. Every chaste but friendly conversation directly correlated with a slushy attack and Quinn found herself seething over the behavior. She tried desperately to pretend there was nothing she could do, ultimately reaching her limit when she saw Santana, slushy in hand, making a beeline for Rachel. Before she could consciously recognize that her feet were moving, she had intercepted the Latina just as she reached the brunette.

"What the hell are you doing, Q? I was about to gets my slushy on." She calmly, but firmly, wrapped her hand around the cup, effectively removing the sugary drink from the Cheerio's grasp.

"If you wanted in on this you could have just asked."

_**Stay calm… don't rise to the bait. Display strength Quinn, not emotion.**_

She lifted the straw to her mouth sipping as she kept her gaze locked with Santana's, allowing the action to sink in before finally speaking, her tone low and threatening.

"This ends, Santana. From now on, you mess with her, you mess with me."

"So what, you come back looking like a freak and start defending the freaks?"

"I'm not joking around. Off. Limits. Santana. Don't make me show you how much you don't want to mess with me about this."

"You aren't even in glee anymore, Q. Why do you even care?"

"Why are we still talking about this?" She roughly shoulder checked the cheerleader as she returned her mouth to the straw, hoping her attempt to appear casual was actually working. She knew immediately, by the look on Santana's face that she was starting something that she would have to deal with again, but she honestly just needed to protect Rachel. She couldn't help but notice the confused stare that Rachel fixed her with as she walked away with the slushy, and she refused to stop walking even as she heard her following along beside her.

"Why did you do that?"

"You don't deserve to be slushied every day." She darted her gaze to the brunette, looking away as their eyes met.

"But..."

"Is there a problem Rachel? Would you rather I let her keep it up?"

"No."

"Then let's get on with our day." She winced as the brunette stopped walking with her, hurt and confusion entering her features in response to the tone Quinn had opted to use on her.

_**That was supposed to sound casual.**_

_**Well it didn't. It sounded bitchy and overly harsh. What's wrong with you?**_

_**A lot, actually. But I'll work on it.**_

She found herself running interference for the diva for the rest of the week, intercepting three other slushy attacks, before she finally gave in, sinking to a level that Santana would understand. She ended up placing laxatives in the Cheerio's required protein drinks, knowing Santana wouldn't see it coming. She hated the use of such juvenile tactics, but the wrath of Sue Sylvester on her head cheerleader for having her whole team out for two days reminded Santana that Quinn was not to be ignored when it came to getting what she wanted. She didn't need to be head cheerleader herself to make their lives a living hell. She was finally able to feel a modicum of relief when the Latina had angrily confronted Quinn.

"I don't know what you're playing at here Q, but I do know I just got my ass chewed out for two empty practices."

"Maybe you should be more careful about what your cheerios put in their bodies."

"So, what? You want my fucking place? You want to be head bitch again? Is that what this is?"

"I don't want anything S, and I'm sure I have no idea why you would think I do."

She slammed her hand into the locker, her arm straight in front of Quinn's path as she glowered at her. "Are you fucking kidding me right now?"

She turned her head, hazel eyes narrowing as they met the dark fiery gaze that emanated fury from deep within Santana. "Maybe it's karma…" She lowered her voice, silently reveling at how much more threatening she could sound since her tone had deepened so much. "…I told you to stop fucking with Rachel. Maybe the universe was returning the favor."

Santana dropped her arm and took a surprised step back. "This is over that fucking midget?"

"Watch it Santana." Quinn lifted her head, her eyes never leaving Santana's as she stood silently in front of her, eyes burning as she stared her down.

"Whatever. She's not worth my time anyway."

She casually shrugged, smirking as Santana admitted defeat and agreed to leave Rachel alone in her own special Santana way. The singer was clearly confused that Quinn had gone to such lengths to protect her, and seemed to be more nervous than ever, acting as though she was constantly expecting something bigger to happen.

Quinn realized rather quickly that Rachel really didn't have a reason to think this was anything other than a set up for something grandly humiliating, and it made her feel sick. Even the Cheerios seemed to be watching her in anticipation of what she was planning to do to the girl. She had so spectacularly screwed up in respect to her previous behavior towards Rachel. She didn't have a clue as to how to fix the mess she had made, but at least protecting the brunette was a start, and at some point in time she was convinced she would figure out a better way to help her realize that Quinn was unbearably sorry for everything she had done. She knew that somewhere down the line she would have to actually give the girl the friendship she had always offered if she really wanted to make up for their checkered past, but a part of her was having trouble accepting the idea of letting anyone into her life that much. She had regretted forging the tentative friendship that she had over the summer with Carmen, and she was afraid she would only repeat the same mistakes if she went ahead with Rachel. She admitted to herself more than once that she was also terrified by the idea of spending time with the brunette, concerned about the idea of giving her feelings away if she was around her too much. She settled for doing her best to protect her for now, attempting to make their final year at McKinley as different as she could from all the others.

Quinn sighed and ran her hand down the front of the microwave she was inspecting, her brow furrowing as she read the price tag beneath it.

"Quinn?"

**Fuck.**

**How is she everywhere? Did I do something to piss off the universe? I mean seriously, haven't I been punished enough?**

**So, now being near Rachel is a punishment? That's not exactly a good attitude Quinn. **

**Shut up.**

She turned her head, pulling her bottom lip in between her teeth when she met the intense brown gaze. "Hi Rachel."

"What are you doing here?"

**Wishing I was invisible.**

"Um… shopping."

She smiled and rolled her eyes, before she lifted one hand to nervously tuck her hair behind her ear as she dropped her gaze to her feet. "Well, yeah… I just… for microwaves? Don't you guys have one already? I mean, I know I've never been to your house, but I've heard about it and, aren't you supposed to have some intense gourmet kitchen or something?"

**Gourmet kitchen… no stove and a mini fridge next to my bed, you know they're practically the same thing. **

"Even gourmet kitchen's have microwaves."

"I, yeah I guess they do. But, why are you—"

"Did you need something Rachel?" She sighed at herself as she realized that her attempt to change the subject probably came across as entirely too harsh, as dark eyes darted away again.

"No, I just… I saw you and thought I'd… say hi?"

Quinn laughed and shook her head. "Are you asking me, or telling me?"

"Um, I should probably go…"

**Would you stop doing that?**

"Do you want to grab some coffee?"

Dark eyes lifted quickly to meet her gaze, widening in surprise before her brow furrowed in confusion. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Well, I mean, I don't know why you're here or anything… but if you have time, we could…" She paused, and lifted one hand to pinch the bridge of her nose briefly before she finally refocused on the amused brunette that was watching her.

**You sound like an idiot. **

**Oh, I'm aware.**

"Um… yeah, sure. Coffee sounds, good."

"Great, let me just…" She eyed the microwave before shaking her head and waving a dismissive hand in it's general direction, silently deciding to see if she could order one cheaper off the internet. "Never mind, let's go."

Rachel settled into the chair across from her, one hand absently fidgeting with the edge of the napkin she had placed under her coffee, while she watched Quinn.

The blonde decided to break the awkward silence and she asked a casual and friendly question. "So, how was your summer?"

Dark eyes darted down to her cup, and she twirled it a few times before she took a deep breath and nervously blurted out her response. "I came over to you before because I wanted to thank you for Santana."

Quinn raised one expressive eyebrow and let out a small laugh in response to the nervous blurted words that seemed to come out so quickly they were almost one giant rushed word that Rachel had created in that moment of panic. "I don't know what you mean."

Rachel laughed and sat back in her seat to study the hazel gaze that calmly met her own gaze over the table. "I heard you, you know. The other day, your conversation with Santana… about the cheerios."

"Yeah, I've heard karma's a bitch."

"Is that the name of your secret alter ego… because I highly doubt the universe had anything to do with feeding the cheerios mass quantities of laxatives."

**Ha! She's funny… how have I never noticed that before?**

**You were too busy throwing icy drinks in her face.**

**Right…**

She rolled here eyes and crossed her legs under the table, before leaning forward to take a sip of her coffee. "Maybe the universe realized it owed you, that you had been tortured enough."

"And why would the universe care about that?"

"I don't know. You'd have to ask the universe." She took another sip of her coffee to hide the smile she knew would be plastering itself across her face as she watched Rachel's eyes twinkle at her.

Rachel opened her mouth to respond, the smile on her face widening, until her phone buzzed on the table beside her. She frowned as she read the text message, a cloud descending over her features as she sighed and dropped the phone back onto the table.

"Something wrong Rachel?"

"No, I… it's nothing."

"Finn?"

She nodded in response, and glanced down at her fidgeting hands.

"Trouble in paradise?"

Her eyes shot up to Quinn's, narrowing slightly before she rolled them and took a sip of coffee. "You dated him for a long time, so you know what he's like."

"That I did, unfortunately."

"Was he… did he…" She trailed off, her face flushing slightly as she began to fidget with her napkin once again.

"I can't answer the question if you don't ask it." She watched as Rachel's eyes lifted to her face, calmly allowing the girl to study her silently for several minutes, refusing to display discomfort under the scrutiny.

"Never mind."

She frowned, disgusted with herself as she realized that Rachel didn't trust her, was afraid to open up to her enough to talk about it. "Finn's… he's, is he pressuring you or something?"

"Pressuring me?"

"Yeah… I mean, when I dated him he was all over me all the time, he never cared about having a conversation or doing anything besides watching sports and trying to get in my pants."

Rachel smiled and blushed, her eyes going back down to her coffee. "It's just, dating him isn't exactly what I thought it would be. I keep expecting, I don't know…"

"More?"

She lifted her gaze to meet Quinn's once again. "Yeah."

**Um… she's looking at you strangely.**

**Yeah, she is… what is that? Is that… no.**

**But, Carmen used to look at you like that…**

**No, I'm imagining it. **

**Oh my god, she needs to stop nervously crossing and uncrossing those ridiculously long legs while she's looking at me like that, who the fuck sits sideways like that at a table anyway?**

**I don't know, but if she keeps doing it…**

**Yeah, I should get the hell out of here.**

"So um, this has been… nice Rachel, and I hate to cut it short, but I really do have somewhere to be this afternoon."

**Since when?**

**I have stuff to do…**

**Like what? Lay on your bed in your tiny apartment and stare at the ceiling?**

**Shut up. I need to get some stuff for the apartment, like… stuff.**

**Very eloquent. **

"Oh, yeah… I'm sorry, I just thought—"

"No, I'm sorry. I just didn't realize the time. We should do this again sometime though." She stood, feeling a wave of guilt wash over her as she saw disappointment seeping into chocolate depths.

"I appreciate you taking the time to converse with me Quinn, it was very kind of you."

"Don't do that Rachel, I'm not blowing you off, I just… have some things I have to do today."

**Liar.**

"I didn't mean to suggest that—"

"Don't let Finn get to you, all right? And listen, if you ever need someone to talk to about him, I want you to be able to talk to me now ok?"

Surprise etched its way firmly across her face, her mouth opening and closing before she settled for nodding in response.

"I'll see you around Rach."

Quinn was utterly convinced that there was something actually wrong with Finn Hudson. She had always known the boy was stupid, but he somehow managed to bring his idiocy to a surprising new level on increasingly frequent occasions. Currently, he stood by Rachel's locker, rolling his eyes and ignoring her as he stared at a cheerleaders' ass across the hall. He actually had her, actually had Rachel Berry, and was too vapid to appreciate her. Rachel deserved so much better than him, better than some Lima loser that actually had the audacity to think he was lowering himself to date her, when the opposite was actually true. Granted, Quinn didn't think she was good enough for the talented singer either, but she had to admit she would be better for her than the freakishly tall oaf that stood beside her. If she had been the one to have a chance with Rachel, she would at least been smart enough to appreciate her. She would have adored Rachel if she was the one in his idiotic oversized shoes, and not been too afraid to show her how special she was. She was certain he didn't even realize how amazing the girl really was. She watched as the diva noticed where his gaze lay and slammed her locker shut, mumbling something to him before storming off, her eyes blazing.

_**Why does she put up with him? **_

_**Because between you and most of the school, she's been convinced she doesn't deserve any better.**_

_**That can't be it, she's gone on so many rants about her talent and ability, she can sound downright conceited at times. **_

_**And do you think she would do that if she didn't think that no one at all believed those things about her?**_

_**I guess not, I guess she wouldn't have to.**_

_**You did that. You convinced the world to tear her down. If you didn't torment her and insult her constantly she would have the confidence in herself to walk away from him. You've made her think that her voice is all she has to offer.**_

Quinn tightened her grip on the books she held in her arms, fighting the urge to slap the boy across the face. She settled for glaring at him as she found herself following after the Rachel, inexplicably drawn towards her and the need to comfort her. She found her in the girls' bathroom, splashing cool water on her face. Brown eyes followed her in the mirror, and Quinn felt a rush of warmth at the idea of those eyes on her.

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine." Quinn arched an expressive eyebrow as she moved to stand beside her, leaning her back against the adjacent sink as she faced the stalls behind the brunette.

"You shouldn't put up with that Rachel. You deserve better." The singer studied her profile silently, intently, before splashing more cool water on her face. Quinn leaned over and grabbed some paper towels, holding them out for the other girl. Rachel looked at her again, wary confusion clear in her face, before accepting the towels.

"Why are you here?"

"I thought you could use a friend." Quinn cringed, internally berating herself, for ever hurting her as she heard a scoffing sound emanating from Rachel's throat.

_**You deserve that look, why should she ever expect you to be concerned about her?**_

"Look, I appreciate that over the past few weeks you've stopped your attacks on me. I especially appreciate that you seem to want to be my friend all of a sudden, but… I'm more than a little confused here Quinn. You've never been this nice to me before. You actually seem to be looking out for me, and you'll have to forgive me but it all seems far too surreal." Quinn sighed and nodded slightly, unable to meet brown eyes with her own.

_**Do you see what you've done to her? Rachel Berry, the girl who can see the good in anyone is at a point where she can't believe you could be nice to her.**_

"Yeah, well, I realized some hard truths about myself this summer. I'm not that person anymore."

_**You're the only thing in my entire world that hasn't changed Rachel, don't let it get to you now.**_

"Are you sure this isn't some attempt to distract me so that you can bring down a new vicious attack that you have concocted?"

_**All she thinks of you is someone who will tear her down at every turn.**_

_**Shut up. I deserve it from her, I don't need it from you too.**_

"I deserve that. But I seem to recall you being the one that sought me out to talk about glee club being a family, about you considering us to be friends. And the one who approached me at the store…" Rachel looked away from her suddenly, and Quinn wondered why.

"I'm not so sure I should have done that anymore. Besides, I didn't think you were really listening to me, you seemed…distracted, and as for the coffee… as nice as that was, I'm still trying to convince myself that I didn't imagine it." Quinn felt her cheeks redden at the memory of what exactly had distracted her, and she saw Rachel's eyebrows come together in confusion out of the corner of her eye.

_**You have got to stop staring at her legs when she's talking to you, she's going to eventually figure out what distracts you so much.**_

"I know it probably doesn't mean much in retrospect, but I'm sorry, Rachel. I wasn't a very nice person, especially to you. Everyone has reasons for their behavior; I still shouldn't have done everything I did to you. I kind of assumed you realized I wasn't like that anymore. I thought it was obvious that I'm different now."

"I thought you were going to be different after everything that happened with your pregnancy and I was wrong then." She paused, seeming to take in the hurt that flashed through Quinn's eyes at the mention of Beth. "However, I also think it seems like you were in a difficult position for most of your life and now you seem…more free." Quinn was surprised at the level of insight Rachel seemed to have, she shouldn't have been though, she had always known the brunette was incredibly intuitive.

"That might have some truth to it." She was beginning to be unnerved by the chocolate eyes that were staring warmly at her, she didn't feel she deserved that warmth. **"**Well, you seem to be doing better, so I should get to class." She paused, not wishing to leave on a note that might make the smaller girl think she was still as uncaring as she had appeared during previous years. "You really shouldn't let him do that to you, Rachel. He's not good enough for you, you know that right? He'll only ever hold you back, keep you tied to this loser town."

"Is that what this is really about? You've said something similar before, and when we had coffee you talked about him as though… is this about you wanting Finn back?" Quinn couldn't help it, she laughed, immediately regretting it as anger flashed through soft brown eyes.

_**If she knew who it really was you wanted to be with she'd probably never talk to you again you know. She'd probably be too freaked out to ever even look at you again.**_

"There's really no good reason to laugh at me Quinn. You must admit, I have good reason to think that you would have ulterior motives here. You've never exactly opted to be friends in our past endeavors, no matter how many times I've tried to extend the proverbial olive branch. " Quinn sighed and closed her eyes against the pain she could here in Rachel's tone, her voice lowering almost to a whisper as she completed her sentiment. She was right; she had no reason to believe that Quinn cared.

_**Fix it.**_

_**How?**_

_**I don't care how, just fix it. You owe her, so fix it now.**_

"I wasn't laughing at you, Rachel. I just…Finn will never be my type ever again. The idea of frankenteen coming within fifteen feet of me makes me cringe. I just… he isn't treating you well. I'm being nice here, I know you have no reason to believe this but, I care."

"Why?"

_**Wow that sounded, cold. **_

_**Yeah.**_

_**I've never heard her sound that cold**_

_**Just leave me alone.**_

"The summer was…rough. I was forced to really look at who I had become, and how I was treating the people around me. You've shown me incredible amounts of kindness, Rachel, and I appreciate it. You deserve to have the friendship you have offered so many times, finally be returned."

"So all of a sudden you don't hate me anymore?" Quinn couldn't take the look on Rachel's face, and she turned away, furious with herself.

_**Idiot.**_

_**I know.**_

"I never hated you, Rach." Quinn hugged her arms around her body, hearing the sadness in her own quiet, defeated voice. She didn't notice Rachel's eyes soften, didn't notice the girl reach out a hand to touch her arm as she walked towards the door.

_**You deserve this hurt, you know.**_

_**I do know.**_

"Quinn…"

"I'll see you around. Feel better, ok."

"Come back to glee, it really is a family, an incomplete one."

_**Say yes.**_

_**No. **_

"I can't. I'm sorry."

_**Coward.**_

_**It hurts too much.**_

She pulled the door open, hesitating for a second, then disappeared into the hallway, leaving a confused Rachel Berry alone with her thoughts.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Ok, so I'm not really sure why you would be unhappy about having a long chapter, personally I prefer longer chapters but in the interest of pleasing my readers I've cut down the chapters so they aren't as long as the first one. As for the other comments I received, thank you so much you guys I so very much appreciated your kind words, and I am very much looking forward to continuing on the journey with you

Chapter 2

Quinn was going to kill Santana. From the second she spotted the smug grin on her lips from down the hall she knew something was going to happen. She shot a defiant glance directly at the cheerio, even as she saw the younger cheerios that were walking towards her with the cups in their hands. She squared her shoulders and lifted her head in the air, refusing to look even slightly phased as the colored ice chips collided with her face. Her entire body tensed against the clump of frigid drink as it slid down her chest to nestle icily against her flesh. Hazel eyes watched as Santana sauntered towards her, stopping before her feet hit the wet mess that surrounded the blonde.

"What's the matter Q? Personally, I think the red is an improvement, adds a little color to your new post apocalyptic grunge look."

**Don't let her get to you, it always pisses her off more when you stand up to her… and you know exactly how to get to her.**

**I know that, I don't need lessons in how to deal with Santana thank you very much.**

**Well, don't take it out on me either.**

Quinn glanced down at the ripped t-shirt that the girl was referring to, smirking as she realized Santana's gaze had followed her own. She lifted her hand to her own chest to run one finger from her throat to the edge of her bra, following it down into the valley between her breasts. Her finger dipped into the black lace of the push up bra before hooking down to coat her finger in the thick syrupy liquid that had collected, careful to brush her knuckles against the edge of her breast as she moved the finger up towards her open mouth. Her tongue slid across her teeth and she watched as the brunette's eyes flared when she lifted the slush coated finger and slowly slid it into her mouth. "Mmm. Cherry."

Santana's eyes seemed riveted to the action, then she shook her head, her gaze still following the finger that Quinn slowly pulled from between her lips.

"Be careful how you watch me S, your gay is showing."

Her eyes narrowed as she snapped back to attention. "Fuck you, Fabray."

"Not even if you were the last woman on earth, Lopez… are we done here?"

"Not even close."

"You want to tell me what this is about, or are we going to play games until you shout it at me in some sort of random outburst in Spanish?"

"Someone needs to remind you of your fucking place Q."

"And what place would that be?"

"I can tell you where it's not, and that's dressing like some zombie stripper reject while you hack up a fucking lung behind the school and ignore all the people that are supposed to be your friends."

**Does she know?**

**No, calm down, she can't possibly. **

**Well, what the fuck? Does everyone just automatically assume that you look like a stripper?**

**No, seriously calm down, it's Santana she's just saying that because she likes how much skin you're actually showing. **

**You calm down, I don't want to be called a fucking stripper.**

**But you—**

**Shut it.**

Quinn felt the anger rise up in her chest at the girls accidental brush with the truth that had hit way to close to home for her comfort, and she stepped forward to get into her face. "What the fuck do you know about friendship."

She turned and walked confidently away from the angry and confused head cheerleader, not stopping until she had violently shoved the bathroom door open, slamming it against the tiled wall behind it.

Her eyes were closed against the water she was splashing onto her face when the small squeak of hinges announced the arrival of someone else in the bathroom.

"Whoever you are, get the fuck out." She splashed more water on her face, cracking one eye open when she felt the soft brush of fingers on her shoulder.

**Nice, would you like to hit her with something too?**

**Well, how was I supposed to know it was her?**

**Oh, I don't know, you do have eyes you know… you could have maybe looked to see who it was.**

Rachel stood shyly beside her, her arm extended as she held a piece of paper towel out to her. "I just thought that you might want some help getting cleaned up."

"I thought you were one of Santana's minions."

She smiled and took a step back as Quinn accepted the paper towel from her hand. "That's a terrifying thought, the mere idea of having to be in close contact with her that often makes me want to be chemically hosed."

**If you only knew the half of it.**

A small snort escaped Quinn's throat, and she wiped her face with the towel before slanting her head to look at Rachel while she stood leaning against the sink. "Why are you helping me?"

"I apologize for my seemingly negative reaction to you during our last encounter, and I wished to attempt to repair the tentative offer of friendship you seemed to be extending."

**Why did she suddenly change her mind?**

**Are you seriously complaining about this?**

She glanced down at the sink, noticing the red streaks that spread down her chest and her exposed midriff. "What happened to thinking I was planning the ultimate prank that would utterly destroy you because I'm the biggest bitch you've ever met?"

A small sigh escaped her throat and she moved to grab more paper towels before she returned to place them on the sink in front of Quinn. "I wouldn't say the biggest… Is it even possible for anyone to be bitchier than Santana? It seems to be somehow coded in her DNA, I mean aren't you guys supposed to be friends?"

"She's mad at me, she'll get over it."

"I don't understand you two, if this is just a case of her being angry with you over something, why didn't you just talk it out?"

**That'll be the day.**

**Yeah, the day pigs fly out of my ass.**

Quinn genuinely laughed in response and she shook her head as her eyes lifted to look at Rachel once again. "Have you met Santana? That's not how she works. She strikes out to try and bend you to her will, and if you refuse she grudgingly offers some respect and eventually just blows up at you… or she gets drunk and cries all over you."

"Maybe you should carry around a small flask of alcohol, it seems like it would make your life easier."

"It's not a big deal. She has stages, next is the passive aggressive stage, then the explosion, and finally the conversation."

"She seriously needs to consider therapy."

**I wonder if a therapist would survive Santana… they'd probably end up having a nervous breakdown of their own.**

"Good luck suggesting that to her." She sighed and began to blot the wet shirt with a paper towel.

"You're never going to accomplish anything with that, you should take it off and run it under the water."

"No!" She shifted quickly to her left, away from the brunette that had moved to help her clean her shirt.

**Don't you dare let her see you without a shirt on!**

**Yeah, because my reaction expressed that I was going to let that happen.**

Rachel's eyes widened, surprised by the loud and oddly frightened response, and she lifted her hands and backed away. "I was just trying to help. I wasn't trying to… I don't even know what you think I was trying to do, although judging by your particular choices in insults over the years I would assume you thought I was going to molest you with my supposed man hands."

**Fuck. **

**Yeah. **

**Have I mentioned that you're a fantastic flying moron.**

**Why flying?**

**Seriously…**

**No, I know, I completely suck.**

Quinn sighed, briefly closing her eyes as she calmed herself down, mentally torn between whether she should be more upset with herself for the overreaction or for the insults that had clearly gotten to Rachel more than she had realized. "I'm sorry, it's not… I don't like taking my clothes off in front of people."

Brown eyes traveled quickly over her body, her brow furrowing even further in confusion. "You realize that shirt doesn't leave a whole lot to the imagination right?"

**Oh my god she needs to stop looking at me like that. **

**Or what? **

**Or I might shove her up against a bathroom wall and… wait a minute, why is she looking at me like that?**

"It covers the places I need it to." She went back to blotting at the wet spots that patched the black cotton.

"It covers your back and your breasts… and I can see the edge of your bra and most of your stomach so…" She trailed off and Quinn noticed her swallow as her eyes focused on the exposed stomach muscles she was referring to.

**Ok, seriously, what's going on here? I'm totally not imagining her checking me out…**

**Maybe you fell and hit your head and don't remember.**

**How would I not remember that?**

**Because you hit your head, duh.**

**I didn't hit my head. She's staring at my abs…**

"It really has nothing to do with you, not you specifically anyway. I just really can't handle taking my shirt off in front of anyone, ok?" Her eyes pleaded with Rachel to understand, to let it go instead of pushing the way she always seemed to.

"What could you possibly… you know what, it's really none of my business. I came in here to help you and you seem ok, so I should head off to class anyway."

"Rachel, I really didn't—"

"I'll see you around…"

She sighed and threw a wadded up paper towel at the sink in front of her.

**Idiot.**

**Don't start.**

Quinn was walking down the hallway, headed out to the bleachers after having decided to avoid the cafeteria. Puck had been trying to get her attention, and the last thing she wanted to deal with was interacting with him. She frowned as she paused to dig around in her bag, frustrated when she discovered a tear in the liner of the bag, and she shoved her hand into the hole digging around for her ever elusive lighter. A small surprised noise escaped her throat as she felt someone grab her arm and pull her sideways through the doorway beside her, her eyes narrowing until she turned to find Rachel pacing in front of her.

"Um… what's going on Rachel?" She watched as the girl began to wring her hands together, obviously feeling the stress of whatever it was that was bothering her.

"In light of our newfound, yet obviously tentative friendship and the fact that you have obviously chosen to avoid all of the friends that you previously possessed throughout the—"

"Rach…" She took a step forward and lifted her hand to gently grab Rachel's elbow, turning her to face her. Dark eyes met her gaze before she looked away and back again. "What's going on?"

"I thought that someone should… I thought that you needed to know before you saw her on your own, and in theory, coming from a friend it might be easier to hear."

"Seriously, why are you freaking out?"

**God she looks good in that skirt… when did she stop wearing those knee socks?**

**Are you really complaining about that?**

**Definitely not… those legs are-**

"I… the thing is, well, Shelby's back."

**Excuse me?**

**Fuck.**

Her entire body tensed and the color began to slowly drain from her face as she dropped her hands to her side, her gaze dropping to the floor. "What?"

"I saw her speaking to Noah, and I pulled him aside to find out what she was doing here and—"

**Oh god, something's wrong.**

**You don't know that.**

**Why would she be talking to fucking Puck if something wasn't wrong?**

**What if she needs like a kidney or something?**

**Can an adult even give a kidney to a one year old?**

**I don't fucking know, I can't think straight right now.**

"Wait, she was talking to Puck? Did she say something about Beth? Is something wrong? Did something happen? I have to go talk to her, if something happened—"

"Quinn, no…" She stopped her with a hand on her arm, dark warm eyes looking up at her. "She's fine, at least from what Noah said, she's… she's doing really well."

**Without you. She's doing really well without you.**

**That's a good thing, that she's happy.**

**I know… but it still hurts.**

Quinn closed her eyes and allowed herself to be pulled over to the chairs that sat across from the piano. As she sank into the chair she realized her hands were shaking and she fisted them in her skirt. "What is she doing here? Why is she talking to Puck?"

"I approached him after I saw them speaking, and… she claims to want the two of you in Beth's life."

**No, no I can't do this. I can't be a part of her life, not now…**

**But, it's Beth… can you really say no to that?**

**What if… I'm not in a place where I can be a positive role model for her, what… why did this have to happen now?**

"What?"

**Oh god, what if Shelby finds out what you did all summer? She'll never let you see her again… she'll be back in your life only to be ripped out again.**

**What do I do?**

**I don't know.**

"Quinn?"

She felt Rachel's hand on her forearm and she turned her head to look at her, her breath catching slightly when she saw the level of concern and kindness that was looking back at her. She felt tears prick the backs of her eyes and Rachel seemed to melt right in front of her before she wordlessly pulled her into a hug. She stiffened, then realized how safe that embrace felt and she lifted her arms and returned the offered comfort. After a few minutes she let out a watery laugh and pulled back from the hug, her hand coming up to wipe away the few tears that had fallen. "Are you ok?"

Rachel's eyes widened and her eyebrows came together, a nervous smile crossing her features. "Did you really just ask me that? Why wouldn't I be—"

"Seriously? Shelby's your mom Rach. I know it wasn't easy for you when she adopted Beth."

She averted her gaze to brush a strand of hair behind her ear before she tucked her hands under her legs on the chair and stared down at her own feet. "I'm, I don't think she's here to see me."

"If she wants us to be in Beth's life there's a reason for that, and it probably has something to do with her understanding how hard it was to give up a child… just like it was hard for you not to have her."

"Yeah well, she had the opportunity to have me in her life and she chose not to."

"Maybe Beth has made her realize that that was a mistake."

"I doubt it." She shook her head and straightened her back as she turned to look at Quinn. "Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about this for a reason, wanted to warn you to give you time before you saw her."

"I appreciate that Rachel, it was nice of you to care that much about my feelings. So, thank you for the warning." She dropped her hand to her bag, clearly intent on standing when she felt Rachel's hand on her arm again.

"No, I don't think you understand my intentions."

She furrowed her brow, turning her head once again to look at Rachel. "What—"

"I wanted to give you time to… adjust before you saw her, well more importantly, before she saw you."

"What?"

"I remember how sad you were after you gave Beth up last year Quinn, I know that she's important to you, that you love her…"

"And… what's your point Rachel?"

"I don't want you to lose the opportunity to be reunited with her, and while I must admit that your new look is rather… delectable, if Shelby sees you wandering around looking like—"

"Like what exactly?"

"Quinn, I'm trying to help you, this look isn't exactly… proper."

"Yeah, well I don't remember asking your opinion, especially on fashion advice… as if you were one to talk on the subject."

Dark eyes brimmed with hurt and her gaze averted to the floor, her arms coming around herself as Quinn watched. "I thought… I just thought that you would want the best chance you had of getting back into Beth's life, and Shelby's not going to look at you like this and see someone that is—"

She stood angrily, the chair scraping loudly and Rachel jumped slightly as her eyes shot back up to Quinn. "What? Fit to be a mother? Well guess what Rachel? I'm not… so we can all be fucking thankful that she has your gem of a mother to do the job for me." She turned and stormed out of the room, guilt coursing through her at the pain she saw flashing in brown eyes as she left.

Quinn felt her entire body tense as she stood nervously in front of Noah Puckerman's house. Why on earth would she even consider attending this party? She was convinced that in the grand scheme of ideas, this had to be utterly and completely the worst one she had ever had. And yet, she found herself steadily putting one foot in front of the other as she made her way towards the house.

_**I can't do this.**_

_**So leave.**_

_**I can't leave. **_

_**Rachel's in there with Santana and half of the football players.**_

_**Oh right.**_

_**Yeah right. I have to make sure they don't do anything to her.**_

_**Right, operation let's protect Rachel from the role we forced her into.**_

_**Why do you constantly have to rub that in?**_

_**Hey, I bet there's rum in there. **_

_**How is rum helpful in any way?**_

_**I like rum. It makes me forget. It dulls the pain.**_

_**You might have a point there.**_

_**You don't have to be sober to protect Rachel, you got pretty good at functioning relatively decently mostly drunk.**_

_**Another valid point.**_

_**Ok, maybe we can find some rum.**_

Before she had even convinced herself to go in, she was pushing the door open and entering the overly loud house, despite the warning bells that rang loudly through her head.

"Hey baby mama, haven't seen you in forever. Where you been?" She rolled her eyes and ignored him. She didn't need to deal with that reminder right now. Pregnant at sixteen, check. Stripper at seventeen, check. Now all she needed was the toothless third cousin boyfriend and the trailer, and she could be the rest of the way to white trash hell. Hadn't she decided something about rum? She scanned the room, surprised that it was filled mostly with glee kids.

_**You suck at avoiding glee club.**_

_**Shut up and find the rum.**_

"Quinn, hey, how are you?" She barely turned from the liquor table at the sound of the familiar oafish male voice beside her. She poured herself a shot of tequila and downed it before he grabbed her elbow and turned her to face him.

"What do you want, Finn?" He actually looked mildly hurt, and she was surprised she didn't feel worse about it. He was, after all, stupid enough that she really should feel slightly guilty about hurting his feelings. It was vaguely like kicking a puppy.

_**If by puppy you mean dog, then yes. Think about how he treats Rachel.**_

_**Right.**_

"You were gone all summer, and I stopped by to check on you and your parents sold the house. I thought maybe something happened. I was worried." She snorted, of course they sold the house and opted to slink off somewhere else, their tails tucked firmly between their legs. She turned back to the table and poured herself a ridiculously strong rum and coke, adding a double shot to the empty cup beside the mixed beverage.

"Maybe you should slow down on the drinks, Quinn." She downed the cup half full of tequila before sipping her rum and coke.

"Maybe you should go pay attention to your girlfriend instead of me. She actually cares about what you have to say." She took another sip and looked around nonchalantly. Where was Rachel anyway?

"What the hell? Are you still pissed about me dumping you for Rachel?"

_**God he's dumb. **_

_**Beth should thank you for avoiding that potential paternal mistake.**_

_**I thought we agreed not to talk about her.**_

"No, Finn, I just don't feel the need to pretend anymore. I don't care about you, and I don't buy your nice guy act. I'm not entirely sure I ever really did."

"What's that supposed to mean? I thought we were friends." She finally turned, eyes narrowing as she glared coldly at his dumbfounded expression.

"Let's just get a couple of things straight, right now. We're not friends. We'll never be friends. You're not fooling anyone, besides Rachel, into believing you're a decent guy."

"That's really messed up, I should be the one that hates you, Quinn. You don't get to have this attitude with me."

"Then hate me. I know I wasn't a nice person, to anyone. I'm not delusional about who I was, but you…that's what makes you so pathetic, Finn, you think you're this sweet caring guy, but really…you always want whatever you don't have, and then look for something better the second you get what you supposedly wanted so badly. You use people and act like they should appreciate that you deigned to notice them. You have this conceited idea that you're worth something, but you'll really only do things that benefit you. So, you want to hate me go ahead, hate me all you want, but at least I know my shortcomings and feel bad for my mistakes."

"What are you talking about?"

"Seriously? You really have no idea? You think I don't know about your little ploy to get Rachel back into glee club when you and I were dating? You used her then, just like you're using her now to feel good about yourself."

"I apologized to her for that."

"Yeah, because that made it ok. What about your kissing booth, I find it hard to believe you don't recall steeling me from Sam because you wanted what you couldn't have. You've cheated on every single girl you've ever been with...and let's not forget that you slept with Santana and lied to Rachel about it..."

"Fuck you, Quinn."

"No, I'm the one girl you haven't been able to fool into sleeping with you, if you recall."

"You can go to hell, I shouldn't have bothered, I don't care what happens to you anymore. You're just jealous that I'm not hated by everyone like you are."

"Whatever makes you feel better." She took another casual sip from her drink, and started looking around the room, ignoring the seething boy in front of her. He finally stalked off, settling himself on the opposite side of the room, glaring at her as he drank his beer.

"Is that what you really think about him?" She turned, meeting dark brown eyes, feeling a burn in her cheeks flare to life. She hadn't seen Rachel because the girl was behind her, listening to the entire confrontation.

"You heard all of that."

**Of course she heard all of that, why wouldn't she?**

"I don't understand, Quinn. You were so angry with him when he ended things with you last year, and now…the way you just described him…there doesn't even seem to be a possibility that you ever liked him."

"Rachel...I'm just not that girl anymore."

"Well then, who are you?" She paused mid-sip and glanced back up into that disarming gaze, before she sighed and gave into the sudden desire to run away from the situation.

"I'm the girl who is going to drink this incredibly strong drink so maybe, just maybe, I can try to relax for five minutes, and hopefully just forget about my semblance of a life for a while." She walked away from the brunette, trying to ignore the mildly hurt look she had put on the girls face at her blatant dismissal. She honestly couldn't tell Rachel who she was now without telling her why she had changed so much, and she had every intention of leaving that life as far behind her as possible. She came here to protect her, and had once again ended up causing her nothing but pain. She retreated to the couch next to the liquor table, moving a bottle to be within her seated grasp, still unwilling to leave Rachel completely alone.

The rest of the party didn't exactly proceed in a fashion that Quinn could ever consider an improvement from the way it had begun. While a lot of typical party behavior occurred around her, Quinn attempted to remain the casual observer. Santana planted herself beside her at some point in time, alternately crying and yelling at her for deserting herself and Brittany for what she was loudly describing as her own selfish needs over the summer. Quinn found it more than difficult to concentrate on everything the rather inebriated girl was screeching at her, despite the annoyance she felt over the clueless accusations, as she watched an equally wasted Finn interacting with Rachel just a few feet away from her.

"Come on Rachel… why don't you ever want to make out with me?" He reached out one hand and slid it around her hip down to her ass, frowning when she rolled her eyes and removed his hand.

**Do you think you'd go to jail if you broke all of his fingers?**

**Probably, the justice system doesn't seem to like you very much. **

**How about if I beat him over the head with a bottle of rum?**

**I wouldn't risk it.**

"Finn, this is hardly the place for such intimate interactions."

"It's a party, they were like created so people could make out."

"Excuse me for not being comfortable with—" He cut her off by pushing his lips firmly against hers and Quinn felt a wave of nausea pass through her until the brunette pulled back from him and fit him with a firm glare.

"Come on Rach, if you won't make out with me here then let's go up to Puck's room… we could have a party of our own."

**Oh my god if she goes upstairs and has sex with him…**

**Don't think about it.**

**How can I not think about that, especially in that room…**

"I am not going to have sex with you in Noah's bedroom at some party while you're drunk."

He sighed dramatically. "Why do you have to be such a damn tease all the time Rachel?"

"Excuse me?"

"You wear these short skirts, and these tight shirts and then you always come up with a reason why we can't have sex, what's wrong with you?"

**Do not laugh at that!**

**I'm not—**

**Oh you so totally were going to laugh.**

**Well, I'm sorry, but he does have a point about her being irresistible in those skirts that she wears…**

**But now that you mention it… wasn't she the one in celibacy club talking about how girls want sex just as much as boys?**

**Yeah, I remember something like that, what's your point?**

**My point is, why is she constantly coming up with excuses not to have sex with her supposed dream boat if she's so into sex?**

**That's a good point…**

She narrowed her eyes at him and removed his roaming hands from her ass once again. "Nothing is wrong with me, excuse me for wanting some romance in my life instead of some idiot drunkenly pawing at me while he tells me I owe it to him because I wear short skirts."

"Come on Rachel, you're my girlfriend, you do owe it to me, you're supposed to want to have sex, we're like teenagers… you're not supposed to be such a damn prude all the time." He slid his hand up her side until he was cupping her breast.

She shoved him back and slapped him across the face, ignoring the surprised look she received as she stood from the couch they had been sitting on. "I said no. I'm sick and tired of you making me feel guilty for not wanting to be treated like some meaningless sex object for you to use whenever you feel like it." She turned and stalked away from him, pointedly taking the empty seat beside Quinn.

**I love you Rachel.**

**Ok that was a really bad thing to be thinking.**

**It's an expression.**

**Yeah, keep telling yourself that.**

**Can we just focus on how hot she is when she's pissed off?**

**Yeah, I think we can agree on that one.**

Quinn could feel the smug satisfaction in the smile she shot the boy as he glowered at the seating choice before resigning himself to join the game of beer pong in the corner.

"Are you ok Rachel?"

"He… I just, I'm so sick of his attitude."

**You should break up with him.**

**Don't say that.**

**Why not? **

**Just don't.**

"Yeah, I've been there."

Dark eyes turned to look at her and her posture softened even as she kept her arms crossed over her chest. "How did you deal with it?"

**By sleeping with Puck… during which I thought about you to get me through it, which really only worked until he actually started fucking me…**

**If you say that I will hurt you.**

"I—"

"I mean, was he constantly pawing at you, or is that a new thing brought on by your refusal to put out?"

**Ouch.**

**Yeah.**

Quinn nodded and snaked her tongue out to bite it gently between her own teeth as she absorbed the sting of her words. "No, that's not new." She realized her voice was husky as she said it, displaying the slight hurt she felt at her words.

"I'm sorry Quinn, I'm not angry with you, I shouldn't take it out on you."

**But you will, because it's deserved. I do it to you all the time.**

"That's what we do, isn't it? Take our shit out on each other?"

"I didn't… look, I know things got a little tense after our conversation about Shelby, and in retrospect I really shouldn't have—"

**Why do you always have to be so understanding Rachel? Do you know how impossible you make it to get over you when you do that?**

"Are you apologizing to me for that?"

Rachel uncrossed her arms and dropped her hands to her lap to fidget with her skirt. "I should never have—"

"Rachel, you were being a good friend, I… I appreciate what you did for me that day. I was overwhelmed and I reacted badly, I shouldn't have yelled at you like that."

"One step forward, three steps back."

"What?"

"That's how it's always been with us right? We take one small step forward towards friendship, then end up even further back than we started."

**It doesn't have to be, if I could only tell you how I really feel about you…**

**I will end you.**

**Yeah, I know, I know.**

She sighed, finally turning to meet her gaze head on. "Is that how you feel? That we're back to not being friends… even after everything I've done to show you that that's not true over the last month… all because of one moment where I couldn't handle what was happening in my life and took it out on the wrong person?"

Dark eyes watched her, an unreadable expression on her face as she sat there looking at her. "I… I don't know, I'm admittedly a little confused as to where we stand."

**Fix it. Now.**

"I'm sorry."

"What?"

"I'm sorry for the other day, I… I'm dealing with a lot and I guess I just couldn't take the idea of you looking at me like I'm not worth anything and I-"

"No! Quinn, that's not what I was saying at all. I just… is this really you?"

**Don't ask me that Rach… I don't want you to know why I'm like this, I don't want you to see me like that, please.**

She furrowed her brow before she reached up and grabbed the cup of rum she had poured when Finn's hands had wandered to Rachel's ass for the third time. Rachel's eyebrows lifted as she watched Quinn down the drink, and she sighed while she tried to ignore those eyes on her. "What's the difference…"

"I feel like you're hiding from something, and this look that you've cultivated is just a part of that… and I, do you really want your daughter to see a mask, or to see you the first time she looks into your face?"

**Please stop seeing me so clearly Rachel, it hurts. It hurts that you can look so deeply into me and will still never want me like I want you.**

**Talk to her.**

**No. **

**Talk. To. Her.**

Her breath caught in her throat and she turned to meet her gaze once again, the alcohol fuzzed the edges of the room as she felt tears stinging her eyes and she blinked them back. She opened her mouth to respond, to pour her heart out to the girl that so easily looked past the walls she had built so carefully around herself to see the girl beneath them.

"Holy shit! You didn't tell me there'd be strippers here! Hey baby, do your berry-licious routine! That shit is hot!" The boy stopped right in front of Quinn, staring expectantly down at her.

**Oh god. No. No, No, NO.**

"Dude, I think you're confused, you got to lighten up on the weed bro." Puck wrapped the boy on the shoulder before shaking his head and laughing.

**Right this second I kind of love you Puck.**

"No way dude, I went to see her every single weekend for like a month. I know her dance by heart. I have like a thousand pictures of her on my phone. Come on baby, show him!" She felt panic rising up in her chest as she shook her head, mouth agape, breathing beginning to grow increasingly shallow.

**Say something, anything.**

**Like what?**

**Fucking anything that denies it!**

"You have me confused with someone else." She could hear how high pitched and panicked her own voice sounded, and it only increased the level of fear dancing up her spine.

"I'll fuckin' prove it, here." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a cell phone.

"I'll show you the pictures." She could feel her hands starting to shake as she stood up, trying to get away from the boy, even as he grabbed at her arm while he tried to show the picture on the screen to anyone who would look. The whole room started to spin, the edges fading into blackness. This wasn't supposed to happen. That life was supposed to stay as far away from this one as possible, she had been so careful about getting that job so many hours away from Lima. She broke her arm free from his grasp for a second before she felt him place his hand on her waist.

**I think I'm going to throw up.**

"See, it's you. Oh! Can I get a lap dance? I have enough money." She shoved him back and twisted away, vaguely aware that Puck had punched him, as the floor tilted up at her violently and blackness overwhelmed her narrowing vision.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Quinn groaned as she felt a cool, soft towel being gently pressed against her forehead.

_**Where am I?**_

_**I don't know, but I do know you're going to throw up.**_

She bolted upright and immediately she felt a bucket placed in her lap, as soft gentle hands held her hair back. When her body finally ceased its insistence that her stomach, in fact belonged on the outside of her body, she leaned back and felt the cool towel return to her face as her blurry savior pushed her gently back down.

"I'm going to put this on the floor right next to the bed just in case you feel the need for it again." The voice sounded like Rachel, but it couldn't be, could it? She drifted back off to sleep, unable to do much else as she felt fingers gently combing soothingly through her hair.

Several hours later, Quinn opened her eyes to a strange room, confusion knitting her brow. It looked vaguely familiar for some reason, but she was sure she had never been here before.

_**Ok, seriously, where am I?**_

_**I still don't know, but I will pay you to stay still.**_

_**But I don't know where I am.**_

_**So? You're alive, clothed, and comfortable. Chalk it up as a win.**_

_**You can really be an ass.**_

She slowly sat up and grabbed her aching head, as the room spun uncooperatively, her stomach lurching angrily.

"Oh god."

_**Told you not to move.**_

_**Shut up!**_

"Are you ok?" Her eyes shot back open at the sound of the soft, familiar, feminine voice beside her.

**Rachel?**

She tried to stand, and instantly regretted the attempt, as the room tauntingly threatened to start spinning wildly again. She felt soothing hands on her back, gently helping her to lay back down.

"Shh. It's ok. Don't move so fast. You're ok. You're safe here, everything is going to be ok." She was so confused. Why was Rachel here, with her, saying all the right things? Beyond that, where the hell was here? There was a vague image at the back of her mind of seeing the wall behind her somewhere in a video or something, maybe on her computer? She felt Rachel's hand rubbing soothing circles on her back, as she lay in a tiny ball on her side, her whole body relaxing to the touch. How did one girl make her feel so safe? She kept her eyes closed, relishing the feelings running through her at the touch. She hadn't felt safe in so long, and she desperately clung to it, not wanting to let it go away again.

_**Open your eyes.**_

_**No. she'll stop.**_

_**Quinn.**_

_**No. I'm safe.**_

_**You can't stay like this forever.**_

_**Please.**_

She opened her eyes only to meet a concerned face in front of hers.

"Better?" She nodded and immediately mourned the loss of Rachel's soothing touch as she stood up.

_**Please.**_

"Where am I?"

"My room." Rachel disappeared briefly, before returning with a bottle of painkillers and a glass of water.

_**That's where I know it from, Rachel's videos, that I used to pick on her for...damn it I was an idiot.**_

_**Hey, I didn't even have to say it for you this time.**_

"Thank you." She took the offered pills and slowly drank some of the water before placing it on the night table beside her.

"How did I get here?"

"Noah helped me carry you in, even though you tried to fight him tooth and nail."

"What about your parents?"

"Fortunately my fathers are away on a cruise, otherwise the evening definitely would have ended differently."

"What am I doing here?"

"You passed out and hit your head, I thought it would be a rather bad idea to leave you alone so I brought you here."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" She looked at the brunette quickly, not wanting to make eye contact if she could possibly avoid it. She had no desire to see the look that was surely in those brown eyes, the look she had received all summer. The idea of that judgment in those eyes, however deserved it might be in her mind, was something she just couldn't stand to bear. It had to be there, it always was, and Rachel had such expressive eyes. No. She couldn't look at her now, not after last night.

"I should go. I've caused you enough trouble for one lifetime." She tried to slowly stand up, but a soft hand touched her arm, silently asking her to sit back down.

"I would really feel better if you would remain where you are, at least until the painkillers have time to kick in. I don't feel comfortable sending you back out on your own when you clearly still feel ill." She sighed at the gentle plea in the voice and settled back down, still refusing to focus her eyes on anything other than the floor in front of her.

"Ok, I guess I can do that." Awkward silence stretched between them for several minutes, before Quinn worked up the courage to begin the line of questioning that had been niggling at the back of her mind.

"Why were you saying that stuff before? About me being safe here…" She felt the brunette shift nervously on the bed beside her and she decided to hazard a quick glance in her direction. She needn't have worried, as Rachel was meticulously avoiding her own hazel gaze, opting to similarly look at anything but the blonde beside her.

"If your mind has mercifully chosen to forget a large portion of last night then I suggest you keep it that way, perhaps there's a reason you don't remember." She felt a nervous tingle work its way up her spine, as fear threatened to overwhelm her confused mind.

"Rachel..." She hadn't realized her voice would sound so shaky when she uttered the other girls name, and immediately regretted how scared she sounded.

"Quinn, please don't be frightened. We protected you from those immature frat boys. I'm still not sure what Noah was thinking when he invited his cousin to bring them, they so spectacularly managed to ruin the evening. It's not what you might be thinking. I assure you I wouldn't let anything like that happen. It's just…"

"Why do you keep telling me not to be afraid?" She felt her hands start to shake again.

_**Damn it, you are stronger than this. Suck it up.**_

_**I know.**_

_**So then calm the fuck down.**_

_**But…Rachel…she's so uncomfortable, what if I said something?**_

"You just…the things that you were saying after you hit your head, amidst your bouts of being sick. Not all of it made sense, but I came to the distinct conclusion that something major happened to you this summer, you sounded terrified. That and…whenever Noah tried to touch you to help you up the stairs…I know you were in some kind of accident at the beginning of the summer but it sounds like it was more than that...Quinn, are you ok?"

_**Fuck. **_

_**Don't ask me that, Rachel, I don't think I can lie to you.**_

_**Try. Just avoid it, be vague.**_

_**But...**_

_**No, I don't want to have to talk about that...**_

"Why wouldn't I be?" She saw Rachel sigh heavily and turn here eyes away from the blonde's profile.

"Look, I realize that despite recent interaction I might still not be the person that you would normally talk to about anything quite as meaningful as this appears to be, and I apologize if I made you uncomfortable. Would you like me to call Santana, or maybe Mercedes?" The brunette looked visibly wounded, Quinn had known it was a mistake, that she had expected her to be willing to talk after their friendship had entered a new phase for them.

_**Fix it. Now.**_

_**How?**_

_**You know how, talk to her. Let her be your friend. Stop avoiding the subject. The world won't end if you finally talk to someone about it.**_

"No. I'm sorry Rachel, I didn't mean to…I just, I don't even know what I would say, where I would start." She thought Rachel would ask her to leave then, and she prepared herself, but instead the brunette just looked confused.

"What do you remember about last night?" Quinn furrowed her brow.

_**That's a damn good question.**_

_**Yeah.**_

_**There was Santana yelling. There was an angry drunk Finn. **_

_**There was also a lot of alcohol.**_

_**Well, yes.**_

_**Right. Then there was Rachel hiding by you from Finn.**_

_**And more alcohol. **_

_**I got that, stop saying that.**_

_**Then… Oh no… No, no, no, no!**_

She didn't even realize she was visibly panicking about the actual photographic evidence the boy had produced via his cell phone. Of course she had remembered the accusation from his rather large stupid mouth, but she had mercifully forgotten about the proof of her summer experience. Then she felt Rachel's hand rubbing gentle circles on her back again.

_**Please. No. This can't be happening.**_

Then Rachel moved even closer, whispering soothing reassurances in her ear.

"Shh. It's ok, Quinn."

"No no no..."

"I promise, it'll be ok."

"How? How will anything possibly ever be ok again, Rachel?" She jerked frantically away from the smaller girl, standing as panic took over all other thoughts. She was prepared to run, to get the hell out of there, until she noticed hurt brimming over in those gentle eyes. She let her eyelids flutter shut as she took a deep calming breath. Rachel was offering kindness and support, and she was reverting, acting without thinking the way she had before everything had supposedly changed between them, and she didn't want the other girl to ever think she was that Quinn again.

"I'm sorry, it's not your fault."

"It's ok." Her heart clenched at the sound of defeat and disappointment in such softly spoken words. She ached to pull Rachel into her arms and tell her that she hadn't meant to hurt her yet again, but since she didn't really consider that an appropriate option, she settled for sitting back down in her previously deserted position.

"No, it's not. I just panicked, and I shouldn't take it out on you. I appreciate what you're doing, I really do. I just…I've been on my own for so long now and…" She dropped her face into her hands, her breath exhaling into palms that were still shaking.

_**Calm down, she's trying to help.**_

_**I know that.**_

_**Well don't push her away, damn it. You want this.**_

_**I know.**_

_**Do you?**_

_**Yes. I'm not stupid. I learn.**_

_**Then talk to her.**_

_**How?**_

_**I don't care how, your stupid walls are meaningless.**_

_**Please.**_

_**No. That's enough. You want to be different. Do it.**_

"It's all true you know. That wasn't just some girl that looked like me in that picture. I… I was a stripper this summer." She decided to hazard a glance at the brunette's face, bracing herself for the look of disgusted sympathy.

_**It's not there.**_

_**You're right it's not.**_

_**No judgment at all.**_

_**Just concern.**_

_**Well... that's new.**_

"Quinn, I have no possible way of knowing everything that happened to you this summer. However, I'm thoroughly convinced that everything you've done was out of necessity. I highly doubt you would make such a decision lightly, and without just cause. I may not know everything about you, but I've known you for a long enough time to realize that you are an intelligent and capable individual. You're someone who usually thinks through her decisions before making them. I have only ever seen you make one truly poor choice without thought, and I think you have suffered enough as a result of that choice."

Her voice dropped down to almost a whisper. "This wasn't really a choice, I just did what I had to do to survive." She could see stifled tears in brown eyes and Quinn couldn't really fathom anyone expressing this level of compassion for her, let alone the one girl she had so thoroughly tormented.

"Where are your parents, Quinn?" She felt Rachel pull back for a second at the look of disgust and hate that must have entered her eyes at the mere thought of her family.

"Gone. I'm emancipated." She shuddered at the level of bitterness she could hear in her own voice.

"But, where do you live then?" She felt the corner of her mouth twitch, the urge to smile at the level of concern in the smaller girls' voice winning out. No one had cared about her in so long.

"I rent a room. It's not the best place in the world, but it's cheap and close to school." She saw Rachel look away, seemingly nervous again, silence stretching uncomfortably between them. When she spoke, it wasn't the question Quinn had been expecting, not even close.

"So, that day in the store when you were looking at microwaves…"

"Yeah."

Rachel looked away, her eyes nervously darted between Quinn and the wall in front of them before she took a deep breath and blurted out what had obviously been weighing on her. "Did he hurt you?"

"What?"

_**How could she know that? Is that what you said last night?**_

"I mentioned earlier that I knew you'd been injured, and as I'm sure you are aware, my father is a doctor. I may have overheard a conversation at the beginning of the summer involving you and the E.R. I actually made Finn go to your house to check on you, but he claimed they were no longer there. I guess he wasn't just making that up." Quinn was only mildly surprised that Rachel was the driving force behind Finn's supposed concern for her, she had been confused when he had mentioned that, but the divas nature shining through brought sense to his actions.

"I didn't have anywhere to go. I was afraid he would find me anywhere in Lima. I didn't have any money or clothes. I knew that a regular job would require an address and paperwork I didn't have. Stripping was…fast cash… a way to live."

"You actually made enough to live on your own?"

She nodded, her eyes still on the floor in front of her. "I don't think you realize how much strippers make Rachel… I saved up all summer so I could survive until my settlement comes through."

"Settlement… so your father…"

She pushed through, not wanting to answer the question she knew the brunette had been about to ask. "I had a decent lawyer, he pushed my father to the limit, until he agreed to a settlement. A few family secrets came out and he seemed genuinely concerned over what might happen if it went to trial."

"Quinn, I'm so sorry." She leaned over and pulled the surprised blonde into a gentle hug. Quinn closed her eyes and lost herself in the feeling. She was so comforting. She wanted to absorb everything she could about this moment the feel, the smell, the safety of being in Rachel's arms, to keep it forever.

_**Don't let go.**_

_**I have to. I don't belong here.**_

_**Please.**_

_**She just feels bad for me, it's just pity.**_

_**Please.**_

She pulled back, deciding to lighten the mood with a joke so the brunette wouldn't be hurt.

"Who knew Puck's fake IDs would ever actually help anyone." The smaller girl smiled at the attempt to lighten the mood, but in typical Rachel Berry fashion she wasn't ready to let a subject drop until she felt she had said everything she wanted to.

"I wish I could have helped you. I feel like I should have checked on you myself. Maybe gone to the hospital when I heard your name, I just didn't realize it was your father that had done it. Not really my best excuse."

"It's ok, Rachel. I wouldn't have expected you to help me. I didn't deserve it, not after the way I've treated you."

"Stop that. I don't blame you, Quinn. I know that you haven't had the best family life. No one's perfect, and you couldn't be expected to handle everything you've been through without lashing out somewhere. I never understood why you chose me before but…" The brunette let her voice trail off, and Quinn was too distracted by her own guilt to notice.

"You should blame me, Rach. There's no excuse for the way I treated you, the things I've done to you."

"Look, it's my choice whether or not to forgive you and I choose to, so get over it. It takes a larger toll on ones self to begrudge another, than to forgive and move on." Quinn felt herself smile at the contradiction of fiery tenacity and zen-like calm the little brunette exuded in waves.

"Ok."

"Come on, let's go get some breakfast. Do you feel well enough to eat yet?"

"Yeah." She stood and followed her out of the room, grateful for both the change of subject and the idea of food.

"So, wait, your room only has a mini fridge and a microwave?" She looked horrified as she stared across the kitchen table at the blonde.

"It's really not a big deal Rachel, it's enough to survive. I don't really spend more time there than I need to anyway." She pushed the food on her plate around with her fork.

"Don't you miss food that hasn't been freeze dried in some factory somewhere?"

She laughed lightly and raised her eyebrow as she glanced over at the brunette. "Food isn't everything Rach, what matters is that I'm not on that stage anymore."

"Well, I insist that you stay with me while my fathers are away on vacation. There's no reason for you to be alone existing off of sub par food when there's a perfectly good kitchen right here." She took a sip of her juice and went back to her breakfast as if she were having a casual conversation about the weather.

"You really don't have to do that, I've been living alone for months, it's nothing new."

"All the more reason to take advantage of my offer, besides it'll give us a chance to further our newfound friendship."

"Is there even a point in trying to argue with you?"

Bright eyes shined at her from in response as a huge grin curved up Rachel's lips. "Is there ever?"

"You're something else Rachel, you know that?"

"Is that a yes?"

She laughed and pulled her bottom lip in between her teeth before blushing slightly and nodding her head in response, feeling a swell of adoration when the girl beamed back at her.

Rachel had very sweetly avoided any negative subjects for the rest of the afternoon, respectfully allowing the blonde to think things through, but as dinner time rolled around she had a look of determination on her face that Quinn immediately recognized for what it was from countless glee auditions.

"I'm sorry about those Neanderthals at the party Quinn. I'm certain that if everyone wasn't inebriated, not to mention surprised by the turn of events, they would have been removed from the premises faster than they were." Quinn gave a half-hearted smile and shoved food around her plate absently with her fork.

"It's ok, Rachel, I'm used to it. I just didn't want that life to follow me here. I guess it was foolish to think that distance would protect me. A lot of students have relatives in Canton. I should have known some frat guy would eventually recognize me somewhere."

"We'll protect you, Quinn."

"What? You can't do that. Glee gives you enough problems without adding mine." Rachel reached across the table to touch her hand, concern almost outshining the determination in those expressive brown eyes.

"No. You've been through more than enough on your own, and I won't allow you to do it anymore. I meant what I said about glee club being a family. We'll protect you, Quinn, I insist on it. No one's going to hurt you without dealing with us. After all, you've been protecting me for over a month, now it's my turn." Quinn arched an eyebrow and searched chocolate eyes, finding warmth, and she couldn't help it she melted.

_**Well, Fuck.**_

_**Yeah.**_

"I care about you, Quinn."

"Why?"

"I just do, ok?" Quinn paused for a moment, confused as the diva blushed fiercely before pushing her hair behind her ears and looking anywhere that allowed her to avoid the hazel eyes that watched her. She felt comfort in the familiarity of Rachel's well known mannerisms, but couldn't let it go with such an un-Rachel-like avoidance in conversation.

"No, I don't understand."

"Like I said, glee is a family. I'd do it for any one of us."

_**She's totally lying.**_

_**Yeah she is, what the hell.**_

"Rachel…"

"As you no doubt already know, I'm very devoted and caring when it comes to those I consider friends, and as such I feel the need to protect and nurture those that fit the aforementioned description and as you are aware over the last month we have clearly come to..."

"What just happened here, Rachel?"

"Other than you interrupting me, I have no idea to what you are referring." Quinn raised her eyebrow again.

"Everything was fine, we were talking and you were being, you know normal…" Rachel shot her a small glare and she blushed slightly, realizing how she had come across.  
"Um… I just, I mean, you randomly went all manic Rachel on me. What could possibly warrant a full on Rachel Berry rant?"

"Quinn I assure you that I have no idea what you could possibly be going on about."

_**Why is she so nervous?**_

_**I don't know, what did you do?**_

_**I didn't do anything!**_

_**Right, she's freaking out for no reason.**_

"Rachel, please tell me what I did wrong. We were talking like friends. I haven't had that in so long, I didn't mean to upset you." She reached a hand out for the brunette, desperate for some sort of connection, and watched as Rachel's defenses started to crumble a little.

"Well, technically I have always offered you friendship, so your previous question as to why should really be my question to you." Quinn sighed and pulled her hand back, retrieving her fork to poke around some more.

_**Seriously what the hell.**_

_**How are we backwards?**_

_**You did something.**_

_**I don't know what, really.**_

_**You upset her.**_

_**But I don't understand how!**_

"Maybe I should go, I don't want to make you uncomfortable and I clearly have." She watched as Rachel's eyes widened with alarm, quickly placing her hand on Quinn's arm.

"No, don't go. Everything's fine."

"It's not fine. I don't know what I said, but whatever it was, it upset you and I don't want to make you uncomfortable in your own house. I'll just see you Monday, in glee." Rachel paused, but didn't beam over the subtle announcement of her return to the club the way she had anticipated.

"Don't go. Please, Quinn."

"What aren't you telling me here, Rachel, what's going on?" The brunette looked away again, her cheeks burning red as she refused eye contact.

_**What is going on here?**_

_**What did you do last night?**_

_**We weren't even talking about last night!**_

_**Yeah, well you didn't say anything to warrant this behavior now.**_

_**Seriously if you broke Rachel...**_

_**Well that's just ridiculous.**_

_**She's not talking. Rachel Berry. The Rachel Berry is avoiding something.**_

_**Yeah.**_

_**Did you just hear what I said?**_

_**Yes I heard you.**_

_**Rachel won't talk about something.**_

_**Right. Oh.**_

_**See! Broken! Fix it!**_

"Rachel…"She leaned over and tucked a finger under the smaller girls chin, lifting her head, forcing her to meet her gaze.

"What's going on, if I said something that hurt you last night…"

"No, it's not that…" The blush deepened.

"Please, Rachel, I have so many thoughts running through my head about what I could have said, just tell me what I'm missing here."

"I just, you said…some stuff."

"Ok, that is the least eloquent thing I think I have ever heard come out of your mouth. Do you think you can be more specific?" She looked away again, clearly finding it impossible to maintain eye contact. When her voice finally came, several silent minutes later, it was so quiet Quinn had to struggle to hear it.

"The things you said. The things we talked about. You seemed coherent a few times, so I thought... and now, you're asking me why I'm doing what I'm doing, but you don't remember." Her voice deepened and lowered even further, emotion seeping into her tone. "You changed everything last night… and now, I just can't turn my back on you. I… I understand better and…"

"Rachel, I really have no idea what I said. If it was about my family…"

"No. You explained some things, admitted some stuff…but if it was just drunk ramblings…"

_**Uh oh**_

_**I might have to kill you.**_

_**I might do it for you.**_

_**Well, as long as we are on the same page then.**_

"If what was just drunk ramblings?"

She averted her gaze, while she fidgeted nervously with her fork, her eyes squeezed tightly shut. "I… you told me that you…" She paused, seeming to stumble over her words before she opened her eyes and looked over at Quinn, silently studying her.

**Seriously, what the hell did you say?**

**I really can't remember, it could have been a million things.**

"Rachel, you're kind of freaking me out here, was it really that bad?"

"No… it's not… we talked about a lot of different things and I, I'm not ready to talk about all of it if you don't remember. I mean, if it wasn't true… I just, let's just, I could use some time."

**Well, that's… interesting.**

**Yeah… I don't really know what to say to that.**

Quinn furrowed her brow, complete confusion washing over her as she struggled to remember the previous night. "Um… ok."

"Did you really, you said that you realized you wanted me in your life, that I was… important to you. I don't really understand how though. I mean, even if you ignore the fact that I wasn't even there, I don't see how I could have helped you through looking back at our interactions either."

**What is she so afraid to tell me?**

**If you professed your undying love to her, I swear to—**

**There's no way she would be asking me to stay here if I did that.**

**I don't know… she's being weird…**

She narrowed her eyes trying to figure out what Rachel was so blatantly leaving out. "What's so wrong with wanting you in my life?"

"Nothing. I just don't understand."

"You did mean a lot to me over the summer, so much more than you realize."

Her brow furrowed and she lifted her gaze from the spot on the table she had been focusing on. "How? Like I said, I wasn't even there."

She sighed, and decided to just plunge right in. "Your strength. The way you could be tortured, belittled, slushied daily and still hold your head up high. You refuse to let anyone change your determination to be who you are, or to get in the way of reaching all of your goals. You just let everything make you that much more determined and it inspired me. You've always seen me, Rachel, you proved that when you told me I was more than just a pretty face. No one else has ever suggested I was more than my looks. I used that every night. Listened to you telling me that in my head while I was on that stage. You saved me. Just by being who you are every single day, by showing me how to use the bad to get to something better." Quinn leaned over and rubbed her own soothing circles across the back of Rachel's hand with her thumb, attempting to soothe the sheen of tears she had caused in those sweet brown eyes.

"I never realized that you noticed that much about me before, that you saw me the way I always saw you."

**Oh my god I hate you.**

**Why what did I do?**

**You're falling even harder for her, and that is so not helpful. That's the exact opposite of what you should be doing.**

She swallowed and found herself caught in that disarming gaze that watched her through the intensity of the moment. "I've always seen you Rachel, I just couldn't always handle…" She trailed off, realizing what she was about to admit.

**Shut up! What the hell is wrong with you?**

**Me? Be a better damn filter!**

"Handle what?"

"Maybe there are some things I'm not ready to talk about either, assuming I haven't already blurted them out in my drunken stupor… you know you're being uncharacteristically quiet about this, aren't you the same Rachel Berry that needs to talk about everything in excruciating detail the second it happens?"

Rachel blushed and ducked her head before taking a sip of juice, a smile on her face when she peeked up at Quinn through those long dark eyelashes. "You're not the only one capable of change Quinn."

**Whatever he's been doing to you to make you doubt yourself…**

**You need to convince her he's wrong about whatever the hell he's said to her now to have her doubting herself. **

**He's such a fucking moron, who wouldn't appreciate her?**

"I liked that about you. While most of us were hiding you were always the one that was brave enough to say what no one else was."

"Oh I have no problem still speaking my mind, I just like to think about things a little more now… I'm not as into jumping first and checking the level of the water later anymore."

**I might have to castrate him. **

**How do you know it was him?**

**It's always him, he's always doing stupid selfish shit that hurts her in ways she should never be hurt. **

Quinn studied the dark eyes that were studying the plate in front of the brunette, worry edging up into her chest as she watched her. "Rachel did something happen that you—"

"Oh for crying out…" She trailed off, annoyed as she saw her phone light up beside her on the table. Her face immediately darkened when she picked it up and read the screen, her entire body tensing. She turned it off before tossing it back onto the table and lifting her fork to push her food around on her plate.

"Everything ok Rach?'

"He's been texting me since we left the party."

"Rachel, why—"

"Let's not talk about him this weekend. I want to be stress free, to just relax and spend some time with you."

**She's… I need to find a way to get her back to being herself. **

Quinn frowned, bothered by the way the girl was avoiding so much in such an un-Rachel like manner. "Ok… so we're really not going to talk about what I said last night?"

"Not right now, I just want to think about things for a while first."

"You realize this is totally unfair right? I have no idea what I said."

"Good, maybe I deserve the upper hand for a bit. Now finish your food it's late and you and I are going to do friend things tomorrow."

"What are friend things?"

"You'll see." Quinn shook her head and smiled as she stabbed food onto her fork and took a bite while trying not to completely give in to the intense thrill she felt coursing through her body.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Quinn woke to the smell of something delicious wafting in through the bedroom door she had decided to leave open. She rubbed her eyes and crawled out of the surprisingly comfortable bed. She paused as she stepped into the doorway that led to the kitchen, a smile forming on her face as she spotted Rachel singing happily along to the radio into a spatula as she danced in front of the stove.

**She's fucking adorable. **

**Yeah, she really is. **

Rachel spun as she belted out a high note, her face turning red when she spotted Quinn watching her from the doorway. Dark eyes darted to the spatula in her hand and she dropped it to her side, her eyes dropping to the floor.

"I usually use a hairbrush." She casually walked into the room, smiling when the avoidant chocolate gaze shot back up to her, a huge grin lifting the edges of her mouth.

"Did you sleep ok?"

"Yeah, actually… that bed is crazy comfortable."

"Oh, yeah, it's my old mattress."

Quinn turned to hide the small blush that formed as she realized she had been sleeping in the same bed that Rachel had once spent every night curled up in. "What are you making?"

"Vegan pancakes."

She arched her eyebrow and peered over at the stack of pancakes Rachel had already made. "How do you make a pancake vegan?"

"Very carefully."

She rolled her eyes and leaned against the counter. "Very funny. Can I help?"

"I'm pretty much done, but you can grab some plates and glasses out of the cabinet over there." She pointed towards a cabinet and went back to the frying pan.

She nodded and silently set the table while Rachel turned off the stove and brought over the pancakes and a big bowl of fruit salad. Quinn sat down into her chair and poked the small pile of pancakes with her fork experimentally, not noticing that Rachel was eyeing her with a grin on her face as she watched her inspecting the food.

"They aren't going to bite, Quinn, they're still pancakes."

She flushed slightly and pulled her lower lip in between her teeth before she used her fork to cut into her food. "I'm sorry, I didn't… I appreciate the food Rach, really."

"It's ok, you'll like them."

"I'm sure I will…" She bit into the forkful of food, her eyes widening as she tasted the mouthful. "These are fantastic."

"See…"

She dug into the plateful, reveling in the taste of home-made food, beyond grateful to the girl that sat across from her. "So, are we going to talk about these 'friend things' that you want to do today?"

Rachel grinned and swallowed her mouthful before taking a sip of coffee. "How do you feel about a movie and them some dinner? I've been dying to try this Thai place, and Finn flat out refused to eat there."

"Why?"

"I don't know, he said something about not wanting to eat 'rabbit food'. I tried to explain that they had meat there too, but he's just—"

"A moron?"

_**That's a good idea, insult her boyfriend, she'll just love that.**_

_**Shut up, it slipped out… besides, it's true.**_

Dark eyes lifted to look at Quinn, a strange expression on her face as she smirked. "That's one way to put it."

_**Well, that's… interesting.**_

_**Yeah. Is she actually getting over Finn?**_

_**If she is, then why is she still with him?**_

_**Because she's Rachel, which means she's fiercely loyal, to a degree that's crazy sometimes.**_

_**Yeah. Crazy adorable.**_

_**Can you tell that I'm shaking my head at you?**_

_**Shut up, who asked you anyway?**_

"I like Thai food, I used to get take out from this little hole in the wall place before work this summer."

Rachel's eyes lit up, a huge smile curving up her lips as she beamed at Quinn from across the table. "So what movie do you want to see?"

"Whatever you want, Rach. I haven't gone to a movie in forever, anything's fine with me." She picked up another forkful of food, pausing before she put it into her mouth. "In case I somehow forget to mention it later… thank you so much for this, it actually feels really amazing to be eating home cooked meals again, and to not be alone in that room."

Rachel smiled tremulously at her. "I'm glad to have the company."

"You really have to learn to be appreciated."

She blushed, her eyes darting to her phone before she returned her attention to Quinn. "So… how do you feel about horror movies?"

She looked over at her, slightly confused. "You like horror movies?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"I swear I've heard Finn complaining about you only being willing to watch musicals."

She frowned, her features darkening and she tossed another glare at her phone. "I was simply attempting to expand his horizons… and he only uses horror movies as an excuse to try to make out with me in the theater."

She nodded and changed the subject, wishing to remove the dark look that still filled Rachel's features. "Do you think we can rearrange the schedule just a little?"

"Why, what did you have in mind?"

"I was thinking, and you might have a point about Shelby and Beth… maybe we can grab some dye and hit a few thrift shops? I'd like to look more… I don't know, wholesome, before I see Beth."

Rachel smiled, her eyes shining as she watched Quinn poking at her pancakes while she spoke. "I'd love to help you with that, Quinn."

Quinn was admittedly confused as she sank down into the movie theater seat and waited for Rachel to come in from the rest room. She absently watched the trivia questions that were displayed on the screen as she thought back over their day together.

_**I swear she was flirting with me when I was trying on clothes earlier… I mean she picked out that one skirt because it supposedly 'hugged' my ass… who says that?**_

_**Someone that enjoys staring at your ass?**_

_**I think that was my point… did you see the look on her face when she said that?**_

_**She can't like you like that Quinn, that's just ridiculous…**_

_**Seriously? Did you see the way she was looking at me at dinner? I swear I've only ever seen her look at Finn like that, and she was all smiley and nervous… If I didn't know any better I'd swear we were on a date.**_

_**Maybe she's testing you out, seeing what it's like to date Quinn Fabray.**_

_**Wait, when did you cross over to my side? Weren't you the one that was just telling me she couldn't possibly be into me like that?**_

_**Well… she did keep glancing down at your mouth when you were talking… and then licking her lips…**_

_**This is crazy, this whole thing is crazy, let's not forget that she has a boyfriend. **_

_**Yeah, one that she's ignored all weekend to spend time with you… and who she doesn't exactly defend when you repeatedly insult his stupid ass.**_

_**Ok, you might have a point. **_

_**And she left her phone at home after refusing to respond to him, and giving it some of the dirtiest looks I've ever seen come from the girl. **_

_**She could just be mad at him for his obnoxious display at the party, maybe she's just using you as a distraction or—**_

"What are you thinking about?"

Quinn jumped slightly, spilling popcorn on her lap in the process, her cheeks coloring as she watched Rachel laugh lightly before she leaned over and helped her brush the snack back into the bucket. "I, um… nothing, just you know the day."

She smiled and sat down beside her. "I'm really glad you decided to buy that skirt, even if it does induce some staring." She laughed and Quinn arched an eyebrow even as she turned her gaze to the screen when the theater darkened.

_**See, she's totally flirting with you…**_

_**She is not, she's just trying to make me feel better, to distract me so I don't think about everyone knowing I stripped all summer. **_

_**Since when does Rachel flirt to distract you?**_

_**Maybe she's not, maybe this is just how she is with her friends, how would you really know?**_

_**Oh, come on, you've only ever seen her look at Finn and maybe Jesse like that…**_

_**Totally your imagination. **_

_**Maybe I should prove it…**_

_**Wait, prove it how?**_

_**Maybe I'll grab her hand during a scary scene and see what she does.**_

_**Why the hell would you do that? Have you lost your mind?**_

_**What?**_

_**What? Seriously? What if you do that and she freaks? Then you'll end up making things awkward, do you really want to give this up just because you think maybe somewhere along the way she could possibly have ever flirted with you ever?**_

_**What if she doesn't freak?**_

_**Is it really worth the-**_

Her mind screeched to a halt as she felt Rachel jump beside her and lean towards her, one hand grabbing her own while the other curled around her arm, her face turning into her shoulder. She felt her entire body catch on fire and she glanced up at the screen, realizing she had missed the entire beginning of the movie.

_**Oh my god she's touching me.**_

_**Can she tell I'm breathing funny?**_

_**I told you she wouldn't freak…**_

_**Shut up! She's touching you.**_

_**Is this flirting?**_

_**How many people have you grabbed during a scary movie that you weren't trying to flirt with?**_

_**Well, yeah but boys expect that… **_

_**I'm telling you, she chose this movie, if she was genuinely frightened by scary movies why would she pick one?**_

_**Maybe she likes to get frightened, you know like an adrenaline junky…**_

_**Yeah, keep telling yourself that…**_

_**What? And you think it's far more likely that what? She's seriously taking me on a test run to see if she could date me? Really?**_

_**She could be.**_

_**Yeah, and I'm the tooth fairy.**_

_**You know what, I don't think I like your attitude.**_

_**Well I don't like your ridiculous theories that give me false hope for no reason.**_

_**Why don't we just watch the movie?**_

_**Fine.**_

They were sitting on the couch watching some old movie while Quinn absently stared down at a book in her lap, not really paying attention to the television or the words on the page in front of her. She was chewing on her bottom lip as she stared off into the distance, completely unaware that Rachel was watching her until she felt a hand on her leg and she looked up realizing that the sound had been turned down and Rachel was looking at her expectantly.

"Quinn, I know you're worried about tomorrow, but please don't let it get to you too much. We've had such a wonderful day, and you seemed so happy all afternoon. I hate to see the smile on your face disappear." She turned on the couch to face her, legs crossed in front of her.

_**God she has fantastic legs…**_

_**I know, those shorts are like the best thing ever, she should wear them all the time.**_

"I just know what's coming. I used to be the main perpetrator of all things cruel remember?" She could hear the bitterness and regret in her own voice and she grimaced at it.

"Most of the people at the party were in glee, they all know they'll have to look out for you tomorrow. I was hoping that perhaps having a support system might make it a little less daunting." The blonde smiled and put a hand on Rachel's arm to reassure her as much as possible.

"Of course it will. I just wish I didn't have to deal with it at all. I'll make it through. McKinley isn't as difficult to deal with once you've had to take your clothes off every night for fifty leering faces." She watched as the brunette's brow furrowed, her expression darkening, and she suddenly wished she hadn't chosen to voice that particular thought.

"I don't know how you made it through that. You're so much stronger than you give yourself credit for, Quinn. I would never have been able to do that."

"You'd be surprised what you can do when survival is at stake. It's not exactly what I would have chosen if I felt I had any other options, and it's not something I'll ever be proud of, but it's made me a better person regardless." Rachel was silent, studying her again, Quinn had the desire to shift away from the gaze but opted to let her come to whatever conclusion she was examining her to find.

"I naturally wish you hadn't been forced to go through everything you have, but I can't help but be grateful for how it's made you see yourself though. I always knew this person was inside you, I just never thought she would come out." The diva blushed. "So to speak." Quinn laughed at the double entendre, briefly wondering if Rachel realized the truth in her own words before turning serious once again, a slight blush coloring her cheeks as she spoke.

"It doesn't bother you? The fact that I was a stripper, I mean."

Rachel's eyebrows came together in confusion at the question. "What do you mean?"

_**Ok, you seriously just asked her that in reference to possibly dating you someday.**_

_**Yeah, where the hell were you just now?**_

_**It's ok, you can cover… just act like you meant it in reference to being seen as friends…**_

_**Yeah ok, because that makes sense.**_

_**It could… **_

"I… I would understand if you didn't want to be seen hanging out with me." She rolled her eyes at how ridiculous she must sound.

"Why would it bother me?"

_**See, even she's confused as to what the hell you're talking about.**_

_**Not helpful.**_

"It's not exactly respectable, Rachel. It doesn't really make me the catch of the year…" She blushed and rushed to correct herself. "… you know, so to speak."

"Don't be ridiculous. You didn't wake up one day and decide it was your dream to take your clothes off for strangers. You did what you had to do to survive an unfortunate situation. I respect you for being able to do what was necessary without losing yourself in the process."

"It's just, last year, you made that pole comment to Santana and…"

"I'll admit I was using the profession as an insult, but just because I meant it in a derogatory manner against Santana doesn't mean I respect you any less for having to do it yourself. I was insinuating that she wasn't capable of doing anything else, whereas you can do anything you want, and just used it because you had to. It was more a comment on her intelligence level than anything else. Please don't think about it like that, Quinn. I don't want you to think…I wouldn't be ashamed of you if we were seen together, I happen to think you're more of a catch than you give yourself credit for." She averted her gaze, her own blush coloring her cheeks.

_**What was that?**_

_**I don't know, that definitely seemed like flirting…**_

_**Flirt back!**_

_**No.**_

_**You're such a freakin' wuss.**_

_**Bite me.**_

"Oh yeah, real catch, an ex-stripper that got pregnant at sixteen."

"Don't do that. Everyone's allowed to make mistakes, it's how you move on from them that matters. I happen to think that it speaks volumes that you're finishing school so you can better your chances for the future you want."

"Well I know I don't want to ever strip again, and I know I want to go to college."

"See, potential. Now get your college bound posterior upstairs, we have school tomorrow."

"You aren't going to make me get up at six, are you?"

"I'll let you sleep in if you want, but you will receive a wake-up if you are not up early enough to give yourself time to eat breakfast and get ready. I will not be late to school for you, Quinn Fabray."

"Yes ma'am." She smiled at the smaller girl before heading down the hallway to the guest room.

"Good night, Quinn."

"Good night, Rachel. Thank you, for everything."

Monday immediately began badly. There was a picture of Quinn, mostly naked, on stage at the club waiting for her taped to her locker when she arrived. She closed her eyes, a pang of nausea working its way from her stomach upwards.

_**Head high, Fabray, you did what you had to do.**_

_**Are you sure?**_

_**Yes.**_

_**Right then, head high.**_

She crumpled the picture and threw it into the back of her locker, taking a deep calming breath as she did so, attempting to ease the fluttering in her chest. She gathered her books and turned around right into the cold splash of slush across her face.

"This is for you, too." She felt the football player slide a dollar bill into the top of her shirt, his hand lingering a little too long as his fingers brushed against her breast, and suddenly it was as if she was right back on that stage, feeling dirty and used all over again.

_**I can't do this.**_

_**You can do anything.**_

_**I'm not so sure of that anymore.**_

_**Seriously? You survived an entire summer of drooling sputtering flying morons and you're stressed about high school boys?**_

_**What is it with you and calling people flying morons, where did you even get that?**_

_**I hate you so much right now. **_

_**What? Oh right, the football players, ok. So, maybe I can deal with them.**_

_**See, I do my job sometimes.**_

_**What job? Because you suck as a filter.**_

_**Hey. I distracted you and now you're not freaking as much.**_

_**Fine. Whatever. Still suck as a filter.**_

"Get away from her! Quinn, are you ok? I'm so sorry, I had to drop some sheet music off in the music room. Come here." She felt Rachel take her hand and lead her off in the direction of the bathroom, immediately turning to gently wipe the ice out of her eyes with a soft towel when they pushed through the door. She meticulously cleared every bit of slushy from her face, before leading her to the sink to help her finish cleaning up.

"I told Finn to protect you while I was running the errand, but apparently he can't be trusted to follow through with a simple request. I don't know why I didn't notice how useless he was before."

"He doesn't like me much Rachel, and he has no reason to. It's ok, I don't blame him, I've done some pretty horrible things to him."

"Everyone in glee is supposed to stick together, protect each other. He needs to realize that if one of us goes under attack we all do."

"Rachel, really, it's ok. On top of everything else, I was pretty nasty to him the other night. You can't blame him for not caring if I get slushied."

"You just told him the truth." Quinn's eyebrows shot up to her hairline as she paused to look at Rachel.

"If you believe that then why…"

"I don't really know, to be honest. I used to think I loved him. Unfortunately, the behavior he exhibited over the summer..." Her eyes darted up to Quinn's face as she saw her mouth open to ask her what she meant and she rushed to interrupt the question. "… And then of course there's his refusal to care about anything besides sex and football has brought me to some rather unpleasant conclusions."

_**What did he do to her over the summer?**_

_**I'm not so sure it's a good idea for me to find that out right now. I might cause him physical bodily harm.**_

_**He deserves it.**_

_**See, crappy filter.**_

"Have you tried talking to him about it?"

"What's the point? He rarely understands half of what I'm saying, never mind getting him to understand where I'm coming from. I mean, in one weekend you appreciated more of me than he has in years."

_**Ok, maybe you weren't imagining things like I thought you were… maybe she really was taking you out for a test drive.**_

_**What happened to she's straight and would never look at you like that?**_

_**Yeah, well… that could still be true you know…**_

_**You're impossible. **_

"Um… well I wasn't really trying to—"

"I have no intention to stay in Lima, and Finn, well he would be happy to stay and work at Burt Hummel's auto shop. You were right last year when you said he would only ever hold me back. I admittedly swooned at the romance of it all, but at some point I have to admit that I've only ever loved the idea of Finn, not the actual person. He's never been right for me, he has no idea how to challenge me in any way...he usually only ever makes me feel bad about myself, and I know how unhealthy that is." Quinn shouldn't have been surprised at how much the girl had matured over the summer, especially after the way she had been with her during the last two days, but the change still caught her off guard. She had to admit that she was beyond grateful not to have to watch her moon over the idiot anymore, it had always been torture.

"You should change your shirt, Quinn. This won't dry for hours."

"Are you ok, Rachel?" She finally noticed that during their entire interaction Rachel was refusing to make eye contact, her body rigid, and fear edged up Quinn's spine.

_**Maybe she's uncomfortable being alone with you. Maybe she's noticed that you're hoping she's into you…**_

_**But I thought we were ok. This weekend went really well.**_

The brunette finally sighed and threw the soaked towel at the sink in exasperation, her hands going to her hips as she glared at the stained material.

"I'm angry."

"I'm sorry, Rachel, I know I've messed things up for you. I can go back to avoiding you if you want me to." Brown eyes shot to meet the sad hazel gaze before her, alarm filling her features.

"No! I'm not angry at you, Quinn. Please don't do that." Her eyes were downcast, her tone low, then without warning she recovered, her voice firm once again "I'm angry with Finn. I'm angry with the small minded morons that populate this school. None of them have ever been through half of what you have and they can't see how ridiculous their behavior is. None of this will matter in less than a year. Real life will start and they all act as though throwing drinks in faces and torturing each other is how the world works. They act like they have a right to punish you for something they don't even fully understand."

_**She's so cute when she rants.**_

_**Not to mention sexy as hell when she's angry.**_

_**Shut up.**_

"It's really not worth getting upset about, Rachel." The brunette actually rolled her eyes before packing up her bag.

"Stop that, you're worth getting upset over, Quinn. You've been through enough." She threw her bag over her shoulder and led Quinn out of the bathroom, obviously intent on protecting her until she was safely in class.

Over the next few days Quinn found herself dealing with an overwhelming onslaught of ice themed attacks. The contrast between her evenings spent flirting and laughing with Rachel as they got to know each other better, and her days of frigid torment kept her stress level bouncing up and down at what she assumed had to be an unhealthy level. It wasn't the slushies that bothered her though, it was the hockey players chosen form of torment that actually penetrated her air of indifference. She had been heading to lunch when she felt someone grab her arm and pull her over to the end of the hallway.

"Hey there baby, what do you say to a lap dance?" He backed up until he was sitting in one of the large window sills that over looked the out door tables she had been headed for. Two of the other hockey players had advanced on them, blocking her off from the hallway so she couldn't escape.

"Let me go." She pulled her arm free only to feel his hands on her hips pulling her backwards and into his lap.

"There's three of us, what are you really gonna do? Just give me what I want. It's only fair…"

"You're about five seconds away from finding out what it's like to have your—"

He grabbed her wrists and twisted her arms around her body effectively trapping her back against his front while he interrupted her. "You know, switching back to the good little Christian girl look doesn't automatically take the whore out of you…" He slid his hand under the edge of her shirt and across her now exposed abs to tuck a dollar bill in her waist band, and laughed when she stomped down hard on his foot with her heel before twisting in an attempt to escape.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" All four of them turned their heads to see Rachel pushing her way past the two jocks that had been blocking them off from the hallway, Kurt and Blaine right on her heels with an angry looking Coach Bieste beside them.

"What's going on here exactly?" The Coach glared down at them, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Come on, Quinn." Rachel closed her hand over her wrist and gently pulled her away from the boys, Blaine and Kurt coming around the two to keep anyone from getting too close. The three of them led her to the choir room and she smiled warmly at Rachel as the girl retrieved the dollar bill from her skirt, frowning when she found another in her bra that Quinn didn't even remember being placed there.

"Why don't Blaine and I go get some food and we can all eat lunch in here today?" He rubbed a soothing hand over Quinn's shoulder as she smiled sympathetically down at her.

"You really don't have to—"

"That sounds like a wonderful idea, Kurt." Rachel took the seat beside Quinn to dig around in her bag for her wallet before handing it to the boy, who took the money and disappeared from the room.

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine, Rach."

She frowned as she lifted her hand to reach from another dollar bill she had missed and the blonde flinched before she sighed slightly and glanced down to pull the dollar out of her shirt herself. "You don't seem fine."

Her eyes remained on the floor in front of her as she refused to look at the warm brown gaze that was sympathetically watching her from her seat. "I knew it wouldn't be easy. I'll survive."

"Quinn…"

"Look, it was admittedly easier to deal with when I was actually at the club… and yeah I wish it didn't follow me here, but what can I do besides just suck it up and—"

"It doesn't have to be like that, we're all here for you to help you through this."

"Look, I made it through the summer without anyone and I can make it through this. You said it yourself, before I know it I'll be out of here and it'll be over. You can't all be there to protect me all of the time, just… don't worry about it ok?" She stood and moved over to the piano, ignoring the eyes that followed her as she sat down and began to absently play, effectively ending the conversation.

By the end of the week she had stopped listening to the insults that flew in her direction. She reverted to the state of mind she had reserved for her stage persona, repeating her own comfort internally over and over again, completely withdrawn from the outside world. She knew it would all catch up to her eventually, but for now she was safe in her own head. She hadn't wanted to be like this here, but Rachel's incredibly valid point about none of this mattering kept her strong enough to leave herself on a steady autopilot. This life would be over soon, and then she could go out and do whatever she wanted, wherever she wanted, and with whomever she wanted. She was finally pulled back into reality Thursday afternoon, as she sat in the music room, when a loud angry male voice caught her attention.

"What the hell is your problem, Rachel? I didn't do anything."

"You never do, Finn."

"What does that mean?" Quinn almost smirked as Rachel rolled her eyes in obvious frustration.

"It means you only care about yourself."

"I was seriously only talking to that Cheerio, Rachel, you have got to stop this jealousy crap."

_**God, he's dumb.**_

_**Seriously.**_

"Finn, I don't want to have this conversation here. Drop it." She turned away from him and continued to walk into the room, frowning when he took two long strides and cut her off forcing her to glare up at him.

_**He won't.**_

_**Nope, he's not smart enough to realize what she's saying to him.**_

"Why? It's just some stupid fight about the latest thing you think I did wrong. Let's just get it over with so it doesn't cut into our date tonight."

_**Date? Oh. Right.**_

_**Maybe I should go back to my apartment, give them some space.**_

Rachel had taken a step to the side to get around him and stopped, her brow furrowing as she turned to look at him again. "What date?"

"I told you I wanted to go see the horror-fest."

"So you say you want to do something and that automatically implies that I have to do it with you?" Her hands landed firmly on her hips as she frowned up at him, her annoyance clear in her face.

"You're my girlfriend, Rachel, you've been ignoring me since last week. You totally ditched me last weekend, so yeah." Quinn found herself actually wincing at the stupidity of that statement.

"I'm not going on a date with you tonight, and I can choose to spend my weekends however I wish. As I have repeatedly stated today, I do think we should talk, so if you would like to get a cup of coffee this afternoon I would be willing to have a conversation."

"God, Rachel, all we do is talk. I'm not missing the horror-fest to sit and listen to you go on about more music stuff." Brown eyes were flashing angrily now and Quinn actually managed to feel sorry for the boy for a brief second.

"I meant we needed to talk about us, which is exactly what I have been trying to tell you all day."

"So just say whatever it is now, I already bought the tickets…"

She glanced around the room before taking a step closer to him and dropping her arms to her sides once again. "This really isn't the time or place for this conversation Finn. If you would just wait until after we are out of school..."

"No, Rachel, I want my Friday night to not suck for a change, just tell me what it is already."

"Since you don't seem to have the proper understanding of how subtlety works I will spell in out for you Finn…" She moved even closer to him and lowered her voice, trying to give the boy a modicum of dignity.

"I'm breaking up with you."

"What?"

"I told you I didn't want to talk about it here."

"Why, Rachel? I thought you loved me."

"I'm sorry, Finn. It's just not working."

"Who is it, Rachel?"

She flushed and her voice raised in pitch. "Excuse me?"

"Well it's someone else right? This came out of nowhere." Quinn felt her eyebrow shoot up as the brunette paused, breaking eye contact with the tall boy, eyes darting towards Quinn as her cheeks reddened further.

_**What was that?**_

_**That's a really good question. **_

_**Is she leaving him for… you?**_

_**No, that can't be, there's just no way.**_

"Finn, I'm breaking up with you because I'm not in love with you and it isn't proper to lead you on. This relationship can't go anywhere." Finn suddenly surged forward, kicking a chair angrily out of his way. Quinn found herself on her feet, headed in a direct path of interception. Rachel's soft hand on her arm stopped her mid-stride, and she realized she had no right to get involved in the situation. Rachel gave her a sweet apologetic smile before turning back to Finn.

"Tell me who it is, Rachel."

"That's really none of your business anymore, Finn. I didn't want to do this here but you pushed me, just like you always do with everything. If you had given me the chance to sit down and discuss this with you properly, I would have been able to explain that this just can't work between us. We want very different things for our respective futures. I'm going to New York and nothing is going to change that, you on the other hand will most likely stay here in Lima. Please, just let me go. I don't want this kind of relationship. We don't get each other and you know it, you don't even know what I'm talking about half the time, and the rest of the time you don't care."

"Screw this. You know what? Go to hell, Rachel." He stormed out of the room angrily, slamming the door behind him as he left.

"Are you ok, Rach?"

She turned and smiled softly in response. "I couldn't pretend everything was ok anymore. He's just not what I want. I wish he had let me end it the way I wanted, but his attitude simply further reinforces the idea that I made the correct decision."

"I still expected you to be upset." Rachel's eyebrows came together in confusion.

"Really? I somehow find that hard to believe, Quinn."

"Why wouldn't you be upset? You cared about him once."

"You and I both know the relief I feel over being free from that relationship, and I was under the impression that you understood that it has been quite a long time coming now."

Quinn had indeed known that it was coming after their various conversations on the topic, she just hadn't expected it to happen so quickly. She was suddenly nervous about staying with Rachel, now that she was single. So many things had changed so drastically over the last week, and she wasn't really sure if she was imagining it or not, but she was slightly convinced the girl had been flirting with her. Suddenly the idea of being completely alone with Rachel for the night was cast in a completely different light, and she found herself rather nervous about how to interact with her. All week long things had been easy and friendly, she had found herself exhibiting a completely uninhibited flirty charming side of herself, but now she wasn't sure she could keep that up not now that the dynamic had drastically shifted. She smiled nervously down at the girl as she took her seat, wondering once again if maybe she should suggest heading back to her own apartment for the night.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Quinn had quietly slipped out of the living room when she completed her homework, smiling when Rachel didn't even notice as she scribbled furiously on the note cards she had been preparing. She was already finished cooking dinner for them when the brunette appeared in the doorway, a shy grin on her face as she peeked at her under her eyelashes.

_**Oh god, why does she have to look at me like that?**_

"You really didn't have to cook dinner Quinn, I would have been more than happy to—"

"Come on, Rachel, you don't have to cook for me every night, besides I wanted to return the favor. It's really nice of you to let me stay here, the least I can do is a little light cooking."

Rachel averted her gaze and blushed slightly before heading over to the cabinet. "Well then, allow me to set the table."

_**Why did she just blush over that? What could she possibly have been thinking?**_

_**I knew being alone with her after she broke up with Finn could be potentially dangerous…**_

_**What are you—**_

_**Don't act dumb, she was thinking something that made her blush, and now you're going to have to sit across from her at a table while you eat dinner together…**_

_**Crap that could really quickly enter flirting territory. What do I do?**_

"Um… Rach, would it be ok if we ate in the living room?"

"I'd really rather not, I happen to believe that entirely too many people rely on television as a form of amusement, completely disregarding the importance of proper dinner conversation."

_**She's so fucking adorable.**_

She smiled over at the brunette, before averting her gaze back to the stove. "Well, it's not that I don't enjoy your stimulating conversation, it's just… I don't have a t.v. and I haven't lived anywhere with one for months. I was hoping to take advantage of catching up on the world while I have the opportunity."

Dark eyes widened briefly as she frowned and turned her entire body to face the blonde, dishes clutched to her chest while she spoke. "I'm so sorry, Quinn. I didn't even think about it like that… of course we can eat in the living room. It didn't even occur to me that you don't have a television. I can't believe I—"

"It's ok, Rach… and thank you."

_**You're such a douche. **_

_**I know.**_

_**You made her feel guilty just to get out of possibly embarrassing yourself by flirting with her.**_

_**Shut up already, I fucking know. **_

_**Douche.**_

_**I'll make it up to her.**_

_**How?**_

_**As soon as I think of a way, you'll be the first to know.**_

_**I repeat… douche.**_

Dinner passed by without incident, beyond Rachel shooting her a beaming smile when Quinn asked if they could watch the news. It seemed as though the evening would actually manage to avoid any of the awkwardness that Quinn had been concerned about, until they settled down to watch their nightly movie together.

"Quinn, come on, I love a good romantic comedy before bed." She leaned over the blonde, reaching for the remote that sat on the table beside the couch.

_**Do not let her make you watch a romantic comedy!**_

_**I wasn't planning on it.**_

_**Especially that one!**_

_**Oh, believe me I'm aware that it's a bad idea, I think I'd implode if I had to sit through a sex scene with her next to me.**_

Quinn grabbed the remote and held it away from her, using the full advantage her longer arms afforded her to keep it out of her reach. "No way, Rach, you chose the movie last night, it's my turn."

"I enjoy educational television as much as the next person, but I want to relax for a while. Come on, you've caught up on the world enough for one day." She leaned forward, her shoulder pressing into Quinn's chest as she stretched across her lap.

Quinn swallowed and slid off the couch, lifting her arm above her head and biting back her smile as Rachel put her hands on her hips and glared up at the remote held high over the taller girl's head. "Is Rachel Berry actually complaining about furthering her education?"

"That's just rude, Fabray… I can't possibly reach that high."

Quinn smiled innocently and raised her eyebrow as she watched Rachel advancing on her. "That's kind of the point."

Dark eyes ran up her body to stare at the hand above her head that held the remote, a look of pure determination filling her face as she moved forward until Quinn felt the backs of her legs hit the couch and she stopped grinning. Rachel lifted one hand and placed it on Quinn's shoulder before she pushed down on her and jumped up in an attempt to bounce high enough to grab the plastic box out of her hand. The blonde leaned back to move her arm out of her grasp, as the brunette bounced impossibly high, and lost her balance tumbling them both backwards onto the couch.

"What are you going to do now?" Rachel's voice was surprisingly deep as she settled on top of Quinn, her eyes staring down into the hazel gaze that watched her nervously.

_**Oh my god, she's straddling me.**_

_**Breathe!**_

_**You breathe, she's fucking straddling me!**_

She shook her head and lifted her arm out to the side, her other arm coming around Rachel's waist as she held her in place so she couldn't reach the outstretched arm, both girls giggling madly as she struggled for the remote. "That."

Quinn's breath caught in her throat as Rachel shifted and shimmied in her grasp, knocking them sideways until she was sprawled on top of the blonde, the unusually intimate position she was suddenly in with the diva causing her laughter to dissipate completely. Her eyes darted to the mouth that smiled tremulously above her, tongue flicking out to lick her own suddenly dry lips as she felt her breathing pick up when Rachel wriggled for a second, still trying to get the remote. The brunette dropped a hand down to the couch beside them, her body slipping down with the effort, causing her to press directly against Quinn's breast and freezing when she noticed exactly where Quinn's eyes were focused.

She felt Rachel's breath catch as their eyes met, and watched intently as brown eyes changed so drastically at the realization of the new intense tension between them. Rachel swallowed loudly, their breathing the only sound in the room, as Rachel slowly moved her head towards the lips below her. Quinn held her breath as she watched Rachel's head angling in anticipation of the blonde closing the rest of the distance between them and she immediately pushed herself into a sitting position, dislodging Rachel from her chest. Rachel's eyebrows quickly came together in confusion, hurt clearly passing through her features in response to the obvious rejection.

_**What the hell is wrong with you?**_

_**I can't do that to her.**_

_**Do what? She wanted you to kiss her! She leaned into you!**_

_**No. She's being nice, letting me stay here. Besides, she just broke up with Finn.**_

_**She's hurt, Quinn. You just rejected her.**_

_**No. I'm respecting her. I have no reason to believe she's actually interested in me.**_

_**You're an idiot. She's been flirting with you all week. She's obviously into you.**_

_**Maybe. Maybe not. What if I'm just seeing things because I want to?**_

_**So you seriously think you just imagined her leaning in to kiss you? She fucking angled her head… that's like the universal sign for I'm going to kiss you now.**_

_**I don't want to ruin the friendship we've been building just because she got caught up in the moment.**_

_**I repeat. Idiot.**_

"Here, Rach, let's give your movie a chance." She handed over the remote before settling back into the couch, wrapping her arms uncomfortably around her knees.

"Quinn…"

"I really don't mind, I was mostly teasing. I haven't seen it before." She refused to look Rachel in the eye, knowing there was hurt there, and not willing to properly deal with it.

_**You're totally blowing it.**_

_**No. I have no reason to believe she is into me the way I'm into her. I'm not Finn. I'm not going to just try to take what I want. I will not paw at her.**_

_**Seriously, that's what you're sticking with.**_

_**He never respected her. If I really ever want to believe I could possibly have a chance with her then I have to show her I respect her, that I'm not like him.**_

_**Idiot.**_

_**Look, there's a lot of pressure here, pressure and a complete lack of proof.**_

_**Pressure that you're totally breaking under. Idiot.**_

Quinn tried to focus on the movie, but found herself watching Rachel out of the corner of her eye instead. An uncomfortable tension spread between them, growing with each minute that she sat silently beside her. When she saw the other girl shifting uncomfortably beside her, clearly unsure how to relax, before nervously darting a pained expression in Quinn's direction, she decided to give her more space and announced her decision to go to bed before pushing herself up from the couch.

"Quinn, what's wrong?" Her voice was low, her eyes downcast as she fidgeted nervously.

"Nothing. It was just a really tough day."

"Is that all?"

"What do you mean?"

"I know you're dealing with a lot right now, but did I do something wrong?" Her eyes remained firmly planted on the floor in front of her.

"You've been amazing, Rachel, I just…tomorrow's coming, whether I want it to or not. I have to gear myself up for it, one more day of stress before I can relax a little bit."

"You know that's not what I'm talking about." Quinn sighed in response.

"Everything is fine, Rachel, really. Good night."

"Yeah. Good night, Quinn."

_**She sounds so sad.**_

_**Coward.**_

_**I know.**_

The next morning didn't have the opportunity to be awkward for Quinn. When she woke she found a note containing an excuse about rehearsing with Puck for their glee performance that afternoon. Quinn suspected that she was really just avoiding the potentially uncomfortable breakfast, and decided to ask Rachel if she wanted her to head back to her apartment when she saw her later that day. When she arrived at her locker that morning, Tina was waiting for her, which was definitely a pleasant surprise, especially considering the photographic alternative she had been receiving on a daily basis.

"Hey."

"Hi, Quinn, Rachel asked if Mike and I would keep an eye on you today. She said she's going to be slammed all day, fitting rehearsals in with Puck."

"You don't have to do that, Tina, I'll be fine."

"I don't mind, Quinn. We all have to stick together, and those hockey players were way out of line yesterday."

"The word stripper tends to bring it out in men, no offense Mike." He smiled kindly before shrugging and touching her shoulder gently. Quinn knew she shouldn't be surprised that Rachel had made sure she was taken care of, even if she was avoiding it herself, but still felt touched that the girl cared so much. There was no longer much doubt in her mind that she had made a mistake the previous night, that she had hurt Rachel, and she wanted to figure out a way to fix it, but she wasn't convinced about exactly how to go about doing so. She felt her heart sinking more and more as the day went on and Rachel managed to avoid her completely despite shared classes.

Quinn was almost surprised to see the brunette standing in the music room beside Puck when she arrived for glee club. Their heads were close together as they seemed to be going over specifics on a sheet of music. She pretended not to care that Rachel paid no attention to her as she entered the room and sat down. She was shocked when Rachel finished with Puck and looked up to meet her gaze, an unreadable expression on her face as she moved to sit beside her. There was a moment of awkward silence before Quinn decided to break the tension.

"So, am I to have different body guards every day?"

"I'm sorry, I had a lot on my plate today, Quinn."

"I wasn't complaining, Rach. I think it's sweet that you want to protect me."

She finally turned and looked at her, eyes pleading with Quinn for something she couldn't quite identify. "Look, I know things were awkward last night, I don't blame you for wanting to avoid me. I was going to suggest I head back to my apartment for tonight."

"Is that what you want?" Her voice wavered slightly, and Quinn fought the urge to pull her into an embrace.

"I just thought you might want me to go."

"You didn't really answer the question, Quinn."

"I…"

"What the hell, Rachel! Puck again, really?" The two girls' turned, confused, to look at an angry Finn Hudson as he stood before them.

"What?"

"You've been in here with him every spare second today. One of the other football players said he saw you two kissing in here this afternoon." Quinn felt her stomach drop uncomfortably, maybe her doubts had been accurate, maybe Rachel had been upset because she wasn't into Quinn at all and she felt guilty about letting the awkward moment on the couch occur at all.

"First of all, how would that be any of your business? Second of all, I just want everyone present to know that I did _not_ kiss Noah in any way." Quinn felt her mouth quirk into a smile, maybe she was in fact the idiot she thought she was being with Rachel.

"What's going on, Rachel?"

"Well I've been rehearsing for glee, and you've apparently been stalking me."

"You're my…"

"I'm your nothing. I can be your friend if you choose to calm down and accept the fact that we will no longer be romantically involved, but this behavior has to stop, Finn. I'm not property, and what I do, and who I do it with is really none of your business." Quinn felt herself begin to laugh lightly, she couldn't help it, the way Rachel handled herself was downright impressive.

"What are you laughing at? Shouldn't you be on a pole somewhere?" Before Quinn could even react the brunette had stood and a slap echoed through the suddenly silent room.

"If you ever talk to her like that again I will make you regret your very existence, Finn Hudson. I don't know who you think you are, but it's clearly not a person that I want anything to do with anymore. I think it would be best if you took your attitude and left now."

Quinn just sat in stunned silence as Puck and Mike backed Rachel up, moving to stand in between Finn and the small girl. The boy stood stock still, holding his hand to his reddening check before turning and leaving the room. Rachel immediately dropped to her chair and turned to face the blonde, a hand on her knee in an attempt to comfort.

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine. I know he hates me. You have to admit, he's beyond entitled to, Rach. I've done some pretty horrible things to him. It's ok."

"You've got to stop doing that. It's not ok for anyone to say anything like that to you, Quinn."

"I'm ok, Rachel. I'm not going to break because an idiot like Finn Hudson lashes out in my direction. He's not worth it. I was more shocked by the slap than the comment. Thank you for standing up for me though. I appreciate the sentiment." She squeezed the smaller hand on her leg warmly, before Mr. Schue walked in, effectively ending the conversation.

Quinn was already sitting on the couch with her books sprawled around her when she heard the front door open. She took a deep breath and prepared herself for the conversation she knew she needed to have with Rachel before she let this go any further than it already had.

"Rach, look, I want you to know that last night…" She trailed off as she looked up, her brow furrowing in confusion as she locked gazes with Kurt. "You're not even close to being Rachel."

"How very astute."

She rolled her eyes and arched an eyebrow at him. "What are you—"

"I knew it was somewhere in my trunk. Here Kurt." Rachel appeared in the room behind him, holding out a rather thick folder, her eyes darting briefly to Quinn. "Oh, um… we should probably head up to my room so we don't disturb Quinn."

_**Ouch… did she not expect me to be here?**_

_**How is that even possible? She gave you the spare key…**_

_**Yeah, but maybe she expected me to get my stuff and leave. **_

"Um, I can leave if you want…"

Dark eyes widened as her gaze moved back to Quinn, seeming to really take her in. "What? No. I just forgot to mention to Kurt that you would be here."

"So what happened last night that-" He quirked an eyebrow as Rachel flushed and rushed to interrupt his question, folding his arms across his chest as he saw a matching blush cross Quinn's face.

"Come on, Kurt, we really need to get to work, Mercedes is going for my part and I refuse to let her get it." She pulled him out of the room before she poked her head back around the corner to look at Quinn. "My room is sound proofed, but I'm going to leave the door open, so if we bother you just let me know."

"I'll be fine, Rach. I like hearing you sing."

The brunette blushed, her eyes dropping to the floor before lifting back up to Quinn. She opened her mouth to say something then turned her head as Kurt called her name and she shot one last regretful glance towards the blonde before she disappeared.

_**Complimenting her does not count as making up last night to her.**_

_**Yes thank you, I'm aware. **_

_**But, I guess it's a start.**_

_**Are you placating me?**_

_**You know, you need to learn to accept that I can be nice.**_

_**Yeah right, and I'm- **_

She glanced over at the couch beside her as her phone began to vibrate, her brow furrowing in confusion.

_**Who the hell is texting me?**_

_**Do I look psychic to you? Read it.**_

_**Yeah, you're a regular sweet heart. **_

She picked up the phone, swallowing thickly as she read the message on the screen.

Puck: baby mama g2g see Beth, you in?

_**Oh my god. What do I do?**_

_**What do you mean? Go.**_

_**I can't. **_

_**Yes you can. Send Rachel a text that you'll be back later and go see your daughter. **_

_**I… **_

_**You can do this.**_

She clenched her eyes shut and took in a few deep calming breaths before she typed in her response to him, telling him that she would meet him there before she asked him for the address. She briefly contemplated running upstairs to tell Rachel where she was going, until she heard her singing begin to filter down the stairs and she sent the girl a quick text message before she headed out of the house.

Quinn was pacing next to her car, her eyes darting nervously between the apartment building and her watch. She closed her eyes then looked down at the stuffed animal that was clenched tightly in her hands, her mind racing as she waited for Puck.

_**I can't do this. I can't see her, not now.**_

_**When then? **_

_**I don't know.**_

_**Would you like to wait until she's 30?**_

_**Don't be obnoxious.**_

_**No, seriously. Would you rather see her when she's old enough to be angry with you for not being around?**_

_**That was a low blow, I gave her up because I couldn't take care of her myself… think about it, if I had kept her… he could have hurt her too.**_

_**You're right.**_

"Hey, baby mama."

"Oh my god. Stop calling me that."

He smiled and pulled her into a hug, frowning when she pulled back and darted a nervous glance over at the building. "What's up?"

"What's up? You can't be serious… I don't know if I can do this."

"Why not?"

She glared up at him, furious that he was somehow completely calm and at ease as he leaned against her car. "Are you serious? This is our daughter, Puck. She's not even going to know who I am."

"Yeah, which is why we're here, so she can get to know us."

She looked down at the ground, then at the stuffed animal in her hands. "What if she'd be better off not knowing me?"

"You're her mom, Q, why would it be better for her not to know you? Don't you want her to know you love her?"

"Of course I do… I just, this summer…"

"Oh whatever, she's too young to even know what a stripper is."

She frowned at him and rolled her eyes, annoyed when he took her hand and pulled her into the building. By the time they were standing in front of the apartment door, she felt as though someone had coated her lungs in wool. She clenched her fingers in the soft material of the stuffed animal, practically jumping out of her skin when she heard Puck ring the doorbell.

_**What if she slams the door in my face?**_

_**Why would she do that? She came here because she wants you to be a part of Beth's life.**_

_**That was before she knew I was a stripper. **_

_**Who says she knows now? Teachers can be completely clueless.**_

_**Oh come on, that's just ridiculous… the whole damn town knows.**_

_**She's not going to slam the door in your face.**_

_**Fine… but maybe she should. **_

_**Oh god, the door is opening. **_

She swallowed and tried to offer a weak smile towards Shelby as she greeted them and opened the door so that they could come into the apartment. Her entire body was shaking slightly as she stepped further into the apartment, the whole world seeming to stop as she caught sight of Beth happily playing with some toys in the middle of the room.

_**Shelby's talking to you. **_

_**I know.**_

_**You really should be listening to her. **_

_**All I can hear in my heartbeat, it's like I'm freakin under water. When did she start to sound like one of the adults on freakin Charlie brown, all I hear is wah wah wah, wah wah wah wah.**_

_**Ok, calm down. Just breathe. **_

_**Stop telling me to breathe. I am breathing. And it's not doing anything but making it impossible to do anything else. **_

_**Well you need to calm down.**_

_**How the hell am I supposed to calm down while I'm here, and she's looking up at me with those perfect little eyes in that perfect little face. **_

_**Oh god she's bringing her over here. Do something.**_

_**Like what?**_

_**Smile. **_

_**Oh right. **_

_**And give her the stuffed animal. **_

_**Oh yeah, I'm holding a stuffed animal. **_

She lifted the teddy bear towards the little girl, her heart melting as she made a small squealing noise and reached for it, trusting Shelby to hold onto her as she jolted forward towards the toy and clutched it tightly. Two perfect hazel eyes looked happily up at Quinn, then down at the toy and the blonde was lost to that smile, tears pricking at the backs of her eyes as she stood mesmerized by the little girl.

_**Oh my god she's perfect, and I'm already completely in love with her.**_

_**I think you're supposed to be. **_

_**What if she doesn't like me?**_

_**She's one.**_

_**Still.**_

_**You already got some brownie points with the toy, enjoy it. **_

_**I want to hold her and never let go. **_

_**Wait, what? I thought you were afraid to be near her.**_

_**She's just so beautiful. She should be looking up at me with those eyes forever. **_

"Quinn? Do you want to hold her?" Shelby's voice seemed to snap her out of her trance, opening the gateway for her frayed nerves.

"What?"

Shelby laughed lightly, a big smile on her face as she watched Quinn's gaze as it remained thoroughly attached to the child she held. "Do you want to hold her?"

"I…" She trailed off and glanced down at her own slightly shaky hands.

_**I can't. **_

_**You just said you wanted to hold her. **_

_**No, I can't. **_

_**Why not?**_

_**I can't do this. She's amazing, and so completely perfect and I don't want to taint her.**_

_**What?**_

_**I can't be here. I can't do this. I can't risk messing with her perfection.**_

_**That's just crazy.**_

_**No. It's not. I… there's so much in me that I don't want to touch her with. **_

_**Being a stripper isn't contagious Quinn.**_

_**No… But if there's even a tiny speck of my father in me…**_

_**Oh. Right.**_

_**Don't sound sad at me, I can't cry right now.**_

"I don't know if I should." She could hear her own voice waver, and she swallowed, blinking back the tears she knew would be evident in her eyes. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Puck make a strange annoyed face and he moved forward and held his arms out for the little girl. She felt a pang of jealousy as Beth smiled and laughed as he tickled her sides before he scooped her into his arms and turned to face Quinn.

"Come on, Q, she doesn't bite."

"I'm not worried about her."

"Stop being crazy."

"Noah… don't push her."

She smiled a little as she heard Shelby jump in to defend her until panic began to descend upon her as Puck moved even closer to her and attempted to forcefully place her into Quinn's arms. She backed quickly away, her movement jerky and she winced as she slammed back against the wall behind her, not realizing how close she was to it.

_**No, no. I can't. I just can't. **_

_**You're letting him win. **_

_**NO! If he's in me, if I have any of him… no I can't do that to her. **_

_**I can't fucking be here. I'm broken. She deserves better than me. **_

The little girl watched her for a minute, confused, then turned to Shelby and said something that sounded vaguely like mama and reached for her. And Quinn broke.

_**Oh god, I'm nothing to her. Nothing.**_

_**I need to get out of here. **_

_**You'll stay nothing to her if you don't try to be a part of her life.**_

_**Maybe she's better of that way. I'm too broken. This is all too fucking much. **_

"I'm sorry. I can't do this." She heard her own voice crack and she bolted for the door, ignoring the sound of Puck's voice calling after her as she disappeared down the hallway.

Quinn sighed as she pulled into the driveway of the Berry house. She pulled down the visor and glanced at herself in the mirror, rolling her eyes when she realized how puffy they were.

_**Rachel is going to be able to tell that you were crying…**_

_**Yeah well, Kurt's car is still here. Maybe you can just sneak by to your room without having to deal with it. **_

_**Do you really think she's not going to see you walking by and say something?**_

_**I can hope.**_

_**Why don't you just talk to her? She'll understand. **_

_**She'll understand what exactly? That you freaked and walked out instead of sucking it up and being there to get to know your child?**_

_**No, she'll understand that you're struggling and she'll give you a hug and listen to you.**_

_**Yeah because she wouldn't sympathize with Beth or anything, considering her history with her own mother.**_

_**It's totally different… Besides, I'll find a way to get past this, it was just too much too fast. **_

_**See… you should talk to her, let her help you through it.**_

_**Yeah, because being a total basket case is so sexy.**_

_**She dated Finn, and he's a nut job.**_

_**You know what? Just shut up and tread quietly until I'm in my room.**_

She paused as she approached Rachel's room, noticing that Rachel and Kurt were running lines as she inched by in the mostly dark hallway. Her eyes slipped shut as soon as she heard the room behind her go silent, and she sped up towards her room. She had actually made it into the dark room before she heard the creek of wood underfoot and Rachel's soft voice behind her.

"Quinn, is everything ok?"

_**Damn it. **_

_**At least the room is dark, she won't be able to see how puffy your eyes are. **_

_**Oh well then, excuse me while I do the dance of joy.**_

_**You know what, you're a sarcastic ass.**_

"Hey, Rach. How's the practice coming?" She moved over to the bag she hadn't found the need to unpack, that sat on the arm chair in the corner.

"Fine…"

She pulled out a pair of pajama's and moved over to the dresser on the other side of the room, still not looking at the brunette as she methodically removed her jewelry starting with her earrings. "I hope you don't mind, but I'm just going to head to bed early."

Rachel watched her from the doorway for several seconds before she tentatively took one small step forward. "Is something wrong?"

"I'm just feeling seriously drained right now."

"Did you want to come in and run lines with us? It might take your mind off of everything you've been dealing with… or I could send Kurt home and we could talk, if you want to." Her voice was low by the time she finished speaking, displaying how nervous she was about Quinn's possible response.

_**She thinks this is about her…**_

_**I know. **_

_**Well, fix it. **_

_**I can't right now, there's too much to say that I just don't want Kurt to overhear… and I'm not even sure I'm ready to talk about this yet, it just happened. I haven't even processed it yet. **_

_**She offered to send Kurt home…**_

_**So I can feel guilty tomorrow at her audition… um no.**_

_**If you just send her away she's going to be hurt.**_

_**I'll fix it later, I just want to curl up in a ball and pretend this day never happened.**_

_**Coward.**_

_**Leave me alone.**_

"I appreciate the offer Rach, but I really just want to lay down."

"Quinn, where did you go that made you so upset?"

She sighed and moved over to sink onto the bed, covering her hands with her face when Rachel moved closer, afraid she would catch sight of the puffiness in the dim light from the hallway. "I don't really want to talk right now."

"Right. Well… sleep well Quinn." Her voice was even lower, and Quinn could hear the mild hurt in the undertones.

She sat up and turned to talk to the girl, guilt coursing through her at the sound of sad defeat in the girl's voice. "Fuck." She flopped back onto the bed when she saw that the doorway was empty.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Thank you so much for all the wonderful things you all said in reviews I have to say, Char- whoever you are that was definitely one of my favorite reviews ever lol

Chapter 6

Quinn jerked backwards, her eyes opening wide, her vision blurry with sleep as a quiet voice began to whisper soft words of comfort near her ear. Her brow furrowed and she struggled to figure out where she was even as she recognized the familiar scent of Rachel's perfume and the melodic tone of her voice. She sank back down onto her side and closed her eyes, not entirely registering the words that were coming out of the brunette's mouth as gentle hands came around her. One hand gingerly held the wrist that had flung in the smaller girl's direction, while the other soothingly brushed against blonde hair.

_**Is this a dream? What's happening?**_

_**It has to be a dream… why would Rachel be in here with you if it wasn't?**_

_**I don't know. I think she's saying something about wanting to comfort me… was I having a nightmare or something?**_

_**How would she know that from her room?**_

_**Well, that's actually a fair point… so I guess it is a dream.**_

_**In that case, maybe you should take full advantage of the situation and enjoy the fact that she's here in your arms… and that her fingers against your scalp are setting you on fire.**_

_**Yeah, they are…**_

_**Oh my god, did she just kiss my forehead?**_

_**Yes… and now her fingers are trailing down your neck… and good god this is the best dream ever.**_

_**You just made a small strangled moaning sound…**_

_**Who cares? It's a dream right?**_

_**She's stopped moving, open your eyes.**_

_**Why is she looking at me like that?**_

_**Because she ran her hands down your neck and kissed your forehead and you moaned about it.**_

_**Oh god she's doing it again, those fingers will be the death of me.**_

_**Kiss her.**_

_**What?**_

_**It's just a dream, why not?**_

_**Fair point.**_

She locked her gaze on the dark pools she could just make out in the darkness of the room and lifted one hand tentatively towards one defined cheek bone. As her thumb brushed against the bronzed skin, Rachel's eyes rolled briefly shut before focusing on her once again. Hazel eyes darted down to full lips as her tongue darted out to lick them and she swallowed, the dark gaze following suit to take in Quinn's bottom lip tucked between her teeth. The pale hand slid down to cup the cheek it was caressing and she leaned in, her other hand resting on Rachel's hip, her entire body melting forward at the first brush of their lips.

Her whole body seemed to come to life at the touch, and she found herself melting even further against the smaller girl, her tongue gently seeking a quickly granted entrance to unexplored territory. She felt soft hands tangle in her hair as she held Rachel's hips against her own. Her entire body was on fire, the intense desire for the smaller girl fanning to life in the pit of Quinn's stomach as tongues slid together in a tantalizing new dance. Something in the back of her mind sighed blissfully and gave up any desire to think about how real it felt. From the second their lips touched, something briefly clicked into reality and she was surprised at how little she cared about running on pure instinct with the brunette. She let a hand slide around Rachel's back to pull her closer, as she shifted slightly to push a thigh in between the smaller girl's, her other hand traveling down to the back of the singer's neck. The moment seemed to stretch into forever, as tongues learned, hands roamed, and she felt herself quickly giving in completely to what she wanted to do in the heat of the moment. When she felt herself rock her leg into the brunette and the answering fingernails that dug into her shoulders, a small siren seemed to go off somewhere in the thick haze of her mind. She felt Rachel's nails slide down her back as the smaller girl moaned and the warning bells rose in pitch, as she realized how vividly she could feel the sting of nails against her skin. Quinn pulled back, leaning her forehead against the brunette's, eyes closed, breath heavy as she tried to focus on what exactly was going on.

"Quinn?"

_**Um… I don't think you're dreaming…**_

_**Fuck.**_

_**Yeah.**_

_**What do I do? I just fucking kissed her.**_

_**I don't know.**_

_**Fuck. I can't believe I screwed this up this badly. What do I do?**_

_**I said, I don't know.**_

_**Well think of something damn it.**_

_**Um…**_

_**Do you think there's a chance I can get away with just curling up into a little ball and-**_

"Quinn… come here…" She shifted, pulling the blonde down until she was nestled against her chest and wrapped her arms around her to hold her there while she gently combed her fingers through blonde hair. "Everything's ok… you can go back to sleep, I'll stay and make sure you don't have anymore nightmares."

_**Wait… now I'm really confused. Was it a dream or wasn't it? What the hell is going on here?**_

_**She should always be holding me and running her fingers through my hair.**_

_**That's like, the least helpful thing you could possibly say right now.**_

_**Shut up and enjoy it. If it was a dream, it doesn't matter.**_

_**And if it wasn't…**_

_**If it wasn't… well, she's obviously not mad at you for it.**_

_**Yeah, because she clearly feels bad for me.**_

_**You don't kiss someone back like that because you feel sorry for them…**_

_**I… wait, you're right. She kissed me back.**_

_**She did a bit more than just kiss you back.**_

_**Well, fuck. Now I'm even more confused.**_

_**Just accept the comfort and go back to sleep. We can deal with it in the morning when everything doesn't feel so perfect.**_

Quinn furrowed her brow, confusion radiating across her entire body as she moved to stretch and felt a warm body pressed against her. One hazel eye slowly cracked open, an expressive eyebrow arching before she pulled her head back to look at the face that had been burrowed in her neck. She watched as Rachel yawned and stretched, dark eyes opening to look up at her, a small tentative smile on her face as they lay there staring at each other.

_**Seriously, what the hell…**_

_**She came in to comfort you last night, something about nightmares…**_

_**Oh. Right. Um. The rest was a dream though right?**_

_**I'm probably going to go with yes? I mean she wouldn't have stayed if you had actually molested her.**_

_**It's not molestation when someone kisses you back.**_

_**Tomato, tomahto.**_

_**Bite me, if I was molesting her then she was molesting me right back.**_

_**Um… you're arguing with me about a dream you know…**_

_**Oh. Right.**_

_**Have you noticed that your hand is on her ass?**_

_**Crap! NO! Why would you wait to share that?**_

_**She has a nice ass.**_

_**I hate you so much sometimes.**_

Quinn felt her cheeks flare red and she pulled her arms from around Rachel's body, sitting up quickly as she turned her back to the girl, barely catching the look of surprised confusion that crossed dark features before she turned away.

"Is everything ok, Quinn?"

"Yeah. Um… sorry about… I guess I'm a sleep cuddler and I just didn't know it."

"I don't recall complaining." The bed shifted as she moved to sit beside the blonde, her head turned to look at her profile. "Are you feeling any better this morning?"

"I think so, thanks for… coming in here, and comforting me. I didn't even realize I was having a nightmare, but… that's why you came in here right?"

"Kurt and I could hear you yelling in your sleep… I thought maybe having someone in here would help."

"Thanks. Um… breakfast?"

"Quinn, we really should talk about this."

"About what? My nightmares? It's really not a big deal. I had a rough afternoon. I'm fine."

"What? No, not about… I'm not talking about the nightmares, I'm talking about last night."

_**Um… are you sure it was a dream?**_

_**She's probably talking about you being weird with her last night when she came into your room and tried to talk to you before you went to sleep.**_

_**Oh… yeah.**_

_**It's getting harder to keep track of all the ways you're fucking things up with her.**_

_**Does it seem like I need your attitude right now?**_

"Look, Rach… I'm sorry I was weird when I got back last night. It wasn't you, it's just… I should have just talked to you sooner yesterday. I tried to but Kurt was here and then I went out. I…" She trailed off and ran her hand over her forehead before she took a deep breath and continued. "… the thing is, Puck, he and I—"

"Hey are you two awake in here or what? We're going to be beyond late for the tryouts if we don't leave soon, and I simply refuse to go to this without an appropriate amount of coffee first." He leaned against the door frame, his eyes narrowing briefly before he flicked an eyebrow up at their tense figures and waved a hand in their direction. "Whatever's going on with you two… you really need to put it on the back burner Rachel. This is West Side Story and Mercedes is your competition."

Quinn rolled her eyes and shook her head as she pushed herself up from the edge of the bed. "Right… like Rachel has any competition."

His eyes widened and he studied her, obviously confused, his gaze shifting back and forth between them as he took in the color that rose into Rachel's cheeks in response to the compliment. "Ok… I've clearly entered some sort of twilight zone like alternate dimension where Quinn Fabray not only has become bosom buddies with Rachel Berry, but you both avoid eye contact and blush while exchanging compliments almost as if… oh my god are you—"

"Didn't you want coffee Kurt?" Rachel quickly stood from the bed and grabbed his arm as she headed out of the room and down the hall, her face a deep crimson as she avoided looking at Quinn.

Quinn sighed when she felt her phone vibrating in her pocket as she sank down into one of the seats in the theatre to wait. She rolled her eyes and deleted the message, annoyed that Puck was harassing her.

_**You should just talk to him. He's not going to leave you alone.**_

_**I don't want to talk to him, and I think I've had more than enough of him getting his way with me don't you?**_

_**Yeah, well, this time he's right. She's your daughter, you can't just avoid her forever. That's far worse than her knowing anything you don't want her to know about you.**_

_**It's not worse than turning out to be like Russell and fucking her up even more.**_

_**And what makes you think you're like him?**_

_**Are you serious right now? My entire life I've acted the way he wanted me to, done the things he wanted me to… look at how I treated Rachel for years because-**_

_**And are you still doing that now?**_

_**No… but that doesn't mean bits of him aren't lurking under there somewhere.**_

_**You're being ridiculous.**_

"Quinn?"

She shook her head, realizing someone was talking to her and looked up from her seat into Puck's expectant face.

"What the hell are you doing? I wouldn't answer my phone so you followed me? How did you even find me?" She glared up at him, not noticing that several pairs of eyes had turned towards them as the theatre quieted in between auditions.

He glanced around the room and kneeled down beside her, lowering his voice. "Shelby told me you were here. I was talking to her about Beth. And damn right I followed you, someone has to talk some damn sense into you."

"Excuse me?"

"You're being an idiot Quinn."

"You have no idea what's going on with me… and you don't have any right to act like you get to have a say in my life."

"I may not have a say in your life, but Beth is my kid, too and I'm not gonna let you pull a Quinn and freak out and walk away because you can't handle what's going on."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You ditched out on everyone this summer, and are still pulling that crap, and I'm not going to let you do it to Beth. We have a chance here to see her, to be there for her and I'm not going to let your ridiculous, crazy, selfish breakdown get in the way."

"Screw you Puck. You don't have the right to tell me what is or isn't right for me or for Beth. I don't know why you even give a fuck, but you need to back off."

"I'm doing this for you damn it!"

"Is there a problem over here?"

They both turned and looked up to find Shelby standing beside them, her eyes on Quinn as she stared down at her, face full of concern despite her authoritative tone.

"No. No problem. I was just leaving." He fixed Quinn with an angry glare and pushed himself up before storming out of the theatre.

"Quinn, I'd like to talk to you during the break."

She sighed and glanced at Puck's retreating back before turning back towards the woman that still stood in front of her. "Yeah, fine."

_**The entire room is staring at you.**_

_**Do you think I don't know that?**_

_**Don't run. Shelby will never let you see Beth again if you don't hold it together.**_

_**Isn't that a good thing?**_

_**No.**_

_**I thought we were in agreement on this subject…**_

_**What if he's right? What if I'm being selfish? What if this isn't about what I could do to her, what if it's about what I can and can't handle?**_

_**If you had just talked to Rachel last night…**_

_**It's a little late for that now.**_

"Lover's spat?"

She blinked and looked up from the back of the seat she had been staring at, her brow furrowing as she looked into hurt brown eyes. "What? Rachel what are you—"

_**What the hell is she talking about?**_

_**I have absolutely not the slightest clue.**_

"I'm up after Blaine's done, so I only have a few minutes, but I wanted to make sure you were ok."

_**Why does she sound so hurt?**_

_**Seriously, what's going on here?**_

"I'm fine. Puck's just being an idiot as usual."

_**I don't know… misguided yes, but he's right about some things.**_

_**Not helpful right now.**_

"Well, then I guess I'll talk to you later."

Quinn frowned, and leaned forward to place her hand over Rachel's as she began to push away from the seat in front of her that she had been kneeling on, stopping her in her tracks. Dark eyes dropped down to where their hands touched and she swallowed visibly before finally returning her gaze to the hazel one that watched her, confused by the hurt there. "Rach, what's-"

"What are you doing here?"

"Shelby asked me to come, she thought that if I was involved in the show we could get to know each other better… for Beth."

"So, you're going to audition for a part?"

"No, I was thinking of doing some more behind the scenes stuff. I could probably help Britney and Mike with some of the choreography. I've been in dance since I was little. My father insisted on it for my supposed future in cheerleading and pageants."

"So if you're only here to volunteer for Shelby, then why didn't you just come at the end?"

She studied Rachel's face, looking for some clue as to what she was getting at, and found nothing but confused vulnerability. "I…I wanted to see your audition."

Chocolate eyes narrowed, her brow furrowing and then she looked away as she pulled her hand out from under Quinn's, her expression closing off. "Are you coming back to my house later?"

One expressive eyebrow arched up in response to the change as she watched Rachel pull back into herself.

"Most of my stuff is there…"

Rachel shot her an annoyed look, rolling her eyes before closing off further, her voice hardening. "Let me rephrase that… are you staying tonight?"

_**Why is she angry with me?**_

_**Maybe she doesn't want you there anymore? Maybe she's annoyed that you're here?**_

"Only if you want me to?"

"What exactly is your problem?"

"Um… excuse me? Rachel, I have no idea what just happened here, but I didn't realize me being here would upset you so much."

"You're really going to sit there and pretend as though you have no idea why I would have an issue with what's happened?"

_**What in the ever loving hell is she talking about?**_

_**I'm just as confused as you are.**_

"Is this about me not wanting to talk last night?"

Dark eyes flared at her, a slight sheen finally evident in them before she looked away, refusing to meet Quinn's gaze. "Fine. Whatever. You want to play this game, go right ahead. Forgive me if I don't join in with you."

"Rachel, I'm not trying to play games with you." Rachel stood up and started to walk away, turning back to mutter angrily at Quinn before stalking off towards the stage.

"I thought we were done with the lying portion of this relation… friendship."

Quinn's eyebrows lifted at the slip in wording and she reached for Rachel's arm, sighing when the girl pulled roughly away before muttering that she needed to get to the stage and storming off.

…_**the fuck just happened here?**_

_**Am I going completely insane?**_

_**I'm starting to think that's a completely valid possibility.**_

She felt eyes on her and turned to see Shelby watching her, an odd expression on her face before the woman turned her attention back to the stage as Rachel began to sing her audition song. Her breath caught in her chest as she caught Rachel's gaze on her before she looked away, the emotions playing across her features adding an achingly beautiful depth to her voice as she poured her heart into her song.

_**You did something.**_

_**I know… I just don't know what.**_

_**Are you sure that kiss was a dream?**_

_**If it was about that, why would she be hurt? She looked seriously hurt the other day when I didn't kiss her, so wouldn't kissing her make her happy?**_

_**Well, you did something… and you have to fix it if you don't want to lose her as a friend.**_

_**Are we friends? I mean… I've seen Rachel look like that before, and it's always been over something one of her idiot boyfriends have done to her…**_

_**As much as I hate to say this… you're right. She's never really looked like that at me before. Does she… am I involved with her and don't know it? Have I missed something here?**_

_**Well, you have become an expert at living in denial.**_

_**Really? That was really necessary right now?**_

She sighed and closed her eyes as Rachel finished the song and disappeared off the stage. The look on her face as she glanced at Quinn before she left sent a spike of guilt coursing through the blonde's chest. A hand on her arm stopped her as she stood to follow the brunette, frustration rising as she opened her eyes to see Shelby beside her once again.

_**How did I miss her calling break?**_

_**You were distracted by realizing you were being an idiot and hurting Rachel some how…**_

_**Have I mentioned recently how much you're not helpful?**_

"Why don't we go sit in the back and talk for a few minutes, Quinn?" She watched as Quinn's gaze flicked back to the stage that Rachel had vacated. "Unless you have somewhere you need to be?"

"No. I… we should talk." She shifted to the side to let Shelby pass, her eyes still searching for a glimpse of the brunette before she finally turned to follow the woman to the back of the theatre. Once they were seated, she found herself staring at the seat in front of her while Shelby sat watching her, angled enough in her seat to face her.

"So, do you want to tell me what's going on with you, Quinn?"

_**You mean besides my entire life being flipped upside down after almost dying and then having to strip my way through my summer while I realized I was not only incredibly gay, but in love with Rachel….**_

_**Do not say that to her.**_

_**Of course I'm not going to say that.**_

"I wasn't ready for yesterday."

"Do you want to be a part of Beth's life?"

_**What kind of a stupid question is that?**_

_**It's not stupid, you didn't exactly come across as someone that wanted to spend time with their daughter… you know when you hyperventilated then bolted from the room.**_

_**Yeah well… I had my reasons.**_

_**Stupid reasons.**_

_**Shut up.**_

"I..." She closed her eyes against the sting of tears, swallowing before she responded, knowing her voice would be deeper and almost a whisper. "…more than anything. I just... I don't know if I should."

"I know that you've been through a lot Quinn, that you've had to grow up way too fast, but you really need to cut yourself some slack. You're young, you've made some mistakes, that doesn't mean you need to punish yourself forever."

_**How do you know anything about me?**_

_**Has she been asking around about you?**_

_**Well, that can't be good…**_

"If… I don't want her to… be like me. I don't want to make the same mistakes with her that my… family made with me."

"I don't think being like you would be as bad as you seem to think. You're a strong, intelligent, resourceful young woman… and Rachel wouldn't care about you if you weren't kind underneath that mask you use so well."

_**Rachel? Oh my god, can she tell that I'm in love with her birth daughter?**_

_**No… come on…**_

_**She was giving me a funny look when she saw me watching Rachel after our conversation before…**_

_**No… come on…**_

_**Stop saying that. Repeating something doesn't make it any less true, it just makes you sound like a demented parrot.**_

Her gaze shot to the woman beside her, eyes wide as she watched the slow smile that looked so much like Rachel's spread across her face. "I… I don't. I've never been kind in the past."

"Quinn, I can't pretend to know everything that's happened to you over your entire life. But, from what Noah's told me, I think you've had it rough and the fact that you're working so hard to be better is more commendable than you're giving yourself credit for."

_**What exactly did Puck tell her?**_

_**I don't know, but I might kill him for whatever it was.**_

_**I think I should find out what he knows first, then kill him.**_

_**I guess… if you want to be all logical about it.**_

She dropped her gaze back to the seat in front of her, her voice dropping even lower. "I-you know what I did for money over the summer?"

"Yes. I do."

_**Then how can you want me anywhere near her?**_

"And you still want me to be able to see her?"

"I don't believe it was something you wanted to do… and I don't believe it defines who you are… don't make the same mistake I did Quinn. I messed up with Rachel, I don't want to see you do the same with Beth. I know you're struggling with… something. When you're ready, and you think you can handle it, Beth will be waiting."

_**Why did she say it like that? She's holding something back, she knows something.**_

_**Seriously, I might castrate Puckerman.**_

She nodded in response, her hands clenching in her skirt as she tried to focus on keeping her breathing even. "I'm trying." She reached for her bag, wanting to get out of there before she could let her own thoughts cascade back into the forefront of her own mind.

"She liked you." She paused as Quinn froze in response, her back rigid. "I put the stuffed animal you gave her in her crib. Last night, she fell asleep hugging it. She can't judge your past Quinn, but she can learn to love you in the future."

_**Oh my god, why would you say that to me?**_

_**Because she's trying to show you that you can do this, and she's doing so by appealing to your soft side.**_

_**How does she know I have a soft side? She must have heard the head bitch rumors by now…**_

_**Um… I don't know, maybe because she has eyes and could see the way you were looking at Beth… not to mention the way you look at her other daughter.**_

_**Could you shut up about that?**_

_**No… I need a distraction from thinking about everything that she's said to me about Beth, so I don't break down right here in this fucking theatre.**_

She kept her back to the woman, biting down hard on her lip before she finally managed to remind her feet that she wanted to get away from the conversation.

Quinn pushed through the door at the back of the theatre, prepared to head straight to her car, and froze as she spotted Puck talking to someone in the hallway in front of her. Her eyes narrowed and her body tensed as she picked up her pace, headed straight for him. The entire world seemed to crash down on her as the woman beside him moved back, clearing the space between the two people to reveal the stroller behind them. Puck was smiling down at the child hidden by material and Quinn felt the color drain from her face as she kept moving towards them.

_**You know that's Beth right?**_

_**Yeah.**_

_**Why are you still walking then?**_

_**I don't know. But I can't seem to stop.**_

_**Are you ready for this? You weren't last night.**_

_**I'm not sure I'll ever be ready if I don't just force myself to suck it up and do it.**_

She stopped as she found herself staring down at the sleeping form of her daughter, her bottom lip caught painfully in between her teeth at the sight of her teddy bear clutched firmly in Beth's grasp.

"Um… can I help you?" The woman beside her tried to get her attention and she smiled as Beth cuddled further against the bear, ignoring the woman until she physically put herself between Quinn and the sleeping girl finally pulled her gaze to her own.

"It's cool Megan… it's Quinn." He put a hand on the woman's arm and she shot him a flirty grin and then looked back towards Quinn to study her.

"So you're Beth's birth mom, huh? Not too bad, Puck… no wonder Beth is so adorable."

"Hey… she looks like me too." He pouted at her and she smiled up at him and took a step closer, her smile growing when he winked at her.

Their obvious flirting snapped Quinn out of her daze and she turned her attention back to Puck, her eyes narrowing as she glared over at him, her voice low as she focused on not waking the baby. "What the hell did you tell Shelby about me, Puck?"

He turned to look at her, his smile fading when he saw the expression on her face. "Just some stuff about your dad…"

"What exactly do you think you know about my… about Russell?"

"Look Q, I know Shelby is ok with everything she's heard about this summer, but I wanted to make sure she understood that—"

"That what? You don't know anything about me anymore, Puckerman. Why don't you let me worry about who knows what about me and mind your own damn business."

"I was making sure you could still see Beth, stop acting like I wasn't doing you a favor."

"I don't need your favors, the last time you did me a _favor_ we ended up with a kid, so stay out of my business."

"I want a relationship with my kid and I want her to have everything… and if that means making you deal with your shit, then I don't really care what you want. I'm going to do what's best for Beth and I suggest you do the same."

"What makes you think having me in her life is what's best for her?"

He furrowed his brow, the anger dropped from his face and he sighed. "Q, you're not your dad… and trust me it sucks not having a parent around… if you don't believe me why don't you ask your new best friend what it feels like to think your mom doesn't want you."

"Leave Rachel out of this."

"Fine, whatever. But ask her. Ask her if she cares about Shelby's past, or if she just cares that her mom is here trying to get to know her."

"Just keep your mouth shut about whatever you think you know about me."

"Whatever, Q. We were friends for years, and we need to stay friends so that Beth sees people that care about each other around her."

She furrowed her brow, taking in the eye roll she received as she continued to study him. "Seriously… what is up with you?"

"What? I read some books on kids all right? I can read." He fixed her with a glare when she raised an eyebrow in response. "I don't want to mess this up, she's my kid."

She turned her gaze back towards the sleeping child, her features softening as she watched her roll over, curling her arm around the bear.

"Um… I'm Megan, by the way… I'm Shelby's youngest sister." The girl took a step towards Quinn, a small friendly smile on her face.

"Oh… hi. Sorry, I'm Quinn… obviously." She offered her own smile towards the girl before she heard someone clear their throat and turned to see Shelby behind her.

"I'm surprised to see you over here Quinn, I'm glad you've changed your mind."

"I… I needed to talk to Puck, and she's just so beautiful when she sleeps…" She glanced back over to Beth before swallowing and averting her gaze from the small group of people, her voice quiet as she finished her thought. "I'm happy to see her with the bear I gave her… I… I have to go. I'm sorry, I'll… I'll stop by to see her soon, I promise." She turned and walked quickly away from the three sets of eyes that were following her, desperate to get to the privacy of her car before her emotions could overwhelm her.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Quinn twirled the paper cup in her hands, her eyes focused on the black plastic top, her mind a thousand miles away from the chattering people that surrounded her in the coffee shop.

_**She's beautiful. **_

_**She was hugging my bear…**_

_**He's right… you're being selfish. **_

_**But if I have any of him in me at all, she shouldn't have to be around me.**_

_**Do you really think you could ever call her names, ever tell her she's worthless, ever make her feel bad for being herself… ever hit her?**_

_**No… it would kill me to do any of that to her.**_

_**Then you're only going to hurt her by staying away. Look at Rachel. He's right, she doesn't care what Shelby's reasons for having her were, she just cares that she gave her up and never tried to be a part of her life. She just wants her to be a mom to her.**_

_**I know. **_

_**You have to put yourself aside, Quinn.**_

_**I know.**_

_**Do you?**_

_**Yes. I… I'm working on it. I'll try harder. **_

Her eyes fuzzed and then focused as she looked up, her attention coming back to the bustling room she sat alone in. Her brow furrowed when Santana and Brittany sank into the empty chairs across from her. One eyebrow lifted, her eyes narrowed and her bottom lip tucked into her teeth as she studied the brunette that stared at the table.

_**What's going on here? Santana looks guilty. **_

She watched as Brittany elbowed the brunette gently in the ribs, dark eyes shooting over to the blonde beside her before shifting to Quinn. "So… truce?"

"I wasn't aware we were in a fight. I thought you were just trying to bully me into doing what you wanted, like rejoining the Cheerios and glee."

She rolled her eyes and looked away again, her fingers playing with her own paper cup. "Yeah, well… I didn't… look, I thought you were just having some sort of post baby breakdown. I didn't know… we've always pushed each other, Q, played some sort of bitchy cat and mouse with each other and I…" She rolled her eyes and turned to Brittany, appealing to her. The blonde smiled and patted her arm before nodding her head towards Quinn again. "Look, I put you back on off limits status. I can't control the hockey players, but the Cheerios and most of the football players won't be bothering you anymore."

_**Does she seriously feel this bad about me having to strip?**_

_**I guess… or Brittany does.**_

"So, we're just dropping the attitude, just like that?"

Brittany nudged the latina again and she sighed loudly in response, rolling her eyes dramatically once more. "If you… you know, need someone to talk to…"

_**Yeah, I can see that conversation going well… hey Santana, my father tried to kill me… cut to the evening news where I see a very pissed of looking Cheerio being dragged away to prison for killing Russell Fabray.**_

"Honestly, I wouldn't even know where to start… but thanks, I think."

"Yeah well, so I suck at this, we both know that, but that doesn't change the fact that we're both here… even if you continue to insist on hanging out with midget spice."

_**Why does she have to insult her so often?**_

_**Honestly, at this point in time, I think it's to get a rise out of you.**_

Quinn smiled and took a sip of her tea. "You know, you'd actually like her if you gave her a chance, she's… feisty."

"Let's get something straight here, just because I've got your back, and I'm over being pissed at you, doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly start going to crazy karaoke themed slumber parties with your new bestie."

_**If she only knew that you wouldn't want her around during a supposed slumber party…**_

_**No kidding, if Rachel sings and I'm alone with her… **_

_**Oh please, you still wouldn't do anything about it. You don't have the guts to actually make a move. **_

_**That's not true…**_

_**Right.**_

"Just saying… you should give her a chance." She took another sip of her tea, her smile changing as she looked up to see Rachel and Kurt headed for a nearby table. Her gaze locked briefly with Rachel's, dark eyes brimming with something she couldn't quite identify, before the brunette looked away and purposefully headed for the farthest table from them.

_**Seriously, why is she so mad at me? Can this still be about me not kissing her the other night, because what else could it be?**_

_**You being a tool last night when you refused to talk to her about the fact that you not only hurt her feelings by not kissing her but then avoided her and acted all weird.**_

_**Ok, I wasn't actually asking… it was rhetorical. **_

_**Well, next time specify. **_

"Did you insult Barbara Streisand or something? Berry actually looks pissed at you."

"I don't know what her problem is, she's mad at me for something, I just… I'm not sure what it is exactly."

"She thinks you don't like her…"

_**Um… what?**_

_**Has she been talking to Brittany about me?**_

Quinn's head snapped back towards the blonde cheerleader, her eyebrows lifted on her forehead as she looked at her. "What?"

"Yeah. I saw you two at the movies last weekend and it was totally the cutest date ever… and now you're dating Puck and like arguing with him in front of everyone so she's totally like the guilted lover… you know like when one of them gets all sad and all covered in gold and the other one gets all jealous about it… although you don't really look gold, I guess it could be that your hair is gold again and that must have brought Puck back to you…"

_**There was so much wrong with that. How does she have such insight into people and then manage to communicate it in a way that makes no sense?**_

_**It's just… Brittany, and it's probably why Santana loves her so much. **_

_**Wait… date?**_

_**Oh… right. I seriously don't need this right now.**_

Quinn arched an eyebrow, her cheeks coloring slightly as she looked up at Brittany and Santana. "Brit, I don't… I'm not… I think you mean jilted."

"Well, whatever, she's still jealous of you choosing to share your treasure with Puck instead of her."

_**Does she even realize how sexual that sounded?**_

_**Only if she saw what you wanted to do to Rachel last night…**_

"I… I don't even know what to say to that."

"Well, why did you choose Puck?"

_**What? Where the hell… I can't fight with Puck without dating him now?**_

"I… didn't choose anyone for… look I'm not dating Puck, we were fighting about Beth. I'm pretty sure he's dating Shelby's little sister anyway."

"Well maybe you should tell Rachel that, then she won't have to worry about you not wanting to share your treasure with her."

_**Oh god, don't say that! All I can think about now is Rachel's lips, and her hands, and those little moans she makes…**_

_**Wait… are you sure that kiss wasn't real?**_

_**My face is seriously bright red right now, and Santana is sitting there like the freakin' Cheshire cat that ate the lesbian canary…**_

Quinn felt her cheeks go crimson and she darted her eyes over to the table Rachel was sitting at, catching the brunette's eyes on her before she looked away again. "I… it wasn't a date, we just went to the movies. I'm staying with her while her dad's are away and…"

"It was so totally a date. I was a few rows back, and she kept cuddling up to you and flirting the way I do when San and I go see a scary movie together and you kept smiling and moving closer to her and being all red about it, like you are right now. She kept looking up at you and smiling like she used to do with Finn. You totally could have made out with her if you had tried…"

_**Stop talking about Rachel and kissing!**_

_**You stop picturing it!**_

_**Everybody just needs to stop!**_

"I… I don't… I'm not…" She glanced over at Rachel again and felt her face turn a deeper shade of red as she did so.

Brittany turned to Santana, who was being suspiciously quiet as she watched Quinn from across the table, an amused expression on her face. "I'm totally gonna win the bet San, I told you she was dating Rachel."

_**Oh my god, just kill me now.**_

"I'm not dating Rachel."

"Why not? You're so into her. You have been for like ever."

_**How does she always know these things?**_

_**I don't know, but you need to think about something else before your head explodes and you melt into a puddle of embarrassed goo under the table. **_

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"And she's seriously into you… she even always looks at you when she sings."

_**Seriously, think about something else!**_

_**Like what?**_

_**I don't care… jelly beans. **_

_**Oh my god, Brittany is contagious… wait… Rachel does look at me when she sings…**_

"Can we maybe talk about something else?"

"I don't know what the problem is, all you have to do is tell her you're not dating Puck, and then she won't be sad anymore."

_**Sad? **_

_**Fuck.**_

_**Yeah… she does look sad… you idiot, you hurt her more than you realized and you just wallowed in your own stupid self pity instead of realizing it.**_

"I…" She trailed off, her gaze moving back towards the brunette across the shop, finally noticing that she did in fact look sad. Rachel's eyes were on her cup, her fingers absently tearing at the cardboard band around the center of it while she listened to Kurt. When chocolate eyes lifted to meet Quinn's gaze, the singer immediately looked away before excusing herself and heading towards the bathroom.

"You should go after her. Rachel always cries in bathrooms."

"How do you always know all of this stuff?"

The blonde shrugged and turned her attention back to a smirking Santana, smiling brightly when the Latina leaned over and whispered something in her ear. Quinn shook her head and followed after Rachel, pausing and swallowing at the door before she pushed into the room. "Rachel?"

_**How did you not recognize that look as hurt?**_

_**I don't know, ok?**_

Dark eyes lifted and looked at her in the mirror, anger flashing through them as she watched Quinn approach her where she stood at the sink. "You know what the worst part of this is?"

"What are you-"

"The fact that I actually thought things were different, that you were different… that when you opened up to me that night, even if it was because you were drunk, that you were actually showing me the truth that you were too afraid to admit when you were sober."

_**Ok, this is seriously driving me insane. What the fuck did I say to her?**_

"I still don't know what I—"

"But the truth is that you're the same scared girl you've always been… I should have known you couldn't do this, that you'd just go running back to the safety of some appropriate jock the second things got too real for you."

_**Too real… I have a bad feeling about this…**_

"Rachel, seriously what—"

"Was it all a lie? The entire time? Where you just using me for some experiment?" She dropped her gaze to the sink, her voice lowering and deepening. "Did… did you ever really have feelings for me?"

_**Oh my god you seriously professed your undying love for her didn't you?**_

_**I… fuck.**_

_**Well, fix it.**_

_**How am I supposed to fix it?**_

_**By admitting it now, sober.**_

_**Are you completely insane?**_

_**Just do it, you're already screwed anyway and denying it'll just hurt her even more.**_

Quinn closed her eyes and took a deep slow breath in before she began to slowly walk towards the rigid form of the girl that still stood staring down at the sink, her hands clenched on either sides of it. "I—"

"You know what… don't answer that. I already know the answer. If you really… felt anything for me you wouldn't have gone out on dates with me and… and kissed me like that only to go running back to Puck and then not even have the consideration to tell me… I never, do you know what… if you hadn't stopped last night… do you even…" She stopped as Quinn lifted a hand to touch her shoulder, dark watery eyes focusing on her once more. "How could you use me like that? I thought… the things we've talked about, you've been so different with me… why? What was the point… to hurt me?"

"No… I—"

_**I told you there was no way that kiss was a dream… **_

_**I'm such an idiot. I made out with her and then acted like nothing … did she just say what I think she did? Is she suggesting she would have…**_

_**Breathe Quinn, if you pass out you can't fix this. **_

_**Right. Focus. She thinks I'm playing some kind of cruel joke on her. **_

_**Tell her how you feel about her damn it. **_

"Were you making fun of me?"

_**Son of a bitch, let me talk Rachel!**_

_**She doesn't want you to talk, she thinks you're going to confirm her fears and hurt her even more. **_

_**Well what the hell am I supposed to do if she won't let me talk?**_

_**Show her.**_

_**Show her what?**_

_**That it's not a joke and it's not fake… that you want her.**_

_**How am I supposed to-**_

_**Are you really about to ask me that?**_

_**Oh…**_

"Why did you even—" Her eyes widened as Quinn moved her hand to her arm and turned her, immediately crashing her lips against Rachel's before she could finish the question. Rachel briefly melted into the kiss, before her entire body went rigid and she pushed Quinn back, her eyes still large as she looked up at the blonde. "What the hell was that?"

_**Why didn't that work? I wouldn't kiss her if I wasn't crazy about her…**_

"You wouldn't let me respond."

"So you… you… is that… what the hell? Am I seriously that much of a joke to you?"

_**Fuck. FUCK. No! I love you Rachel, I have for so long…**_

_**Fucking say that!**_

_**I… can't. But I'm trying to say something kind of like that, if she'd let me talk…**_

"No, Rachel, you don't understand."

"You know what? I'm not sure I want to understand. Excuse me." She pushed past the confused blonde, leaving the bathroom before she could protest.

_**Well, that couldn't have gone worse.**_

Quinn sank down into her chair across from a still smirking Santana, her fingers moving to rub the bridge of her nose after she glimpsed the tail lights of Rachel's car through the window.

_**So, Rachel hates me.**_

_**She doesn't hate you. She likes you, that's kind of how this happened.**_

_**Well she liked me until I made out with her and made it seem like I used her to cheat on a boyfriend I don't have.**_

"You know Q, they have mirrors in bathrooms for a reason…"

_**How am I going to fix this?**_

_**Um… I don't know, talk to her…**_

_**Did Santana just say something about mirrors? **_

_**Yeah, what is she talking about?**_

"What?" She dropped her hand back to the table to look over at the brunette.

"Why did Rachel leave? Doesn't she like your sweet lady kisses," Brittany asked softly.

_**Oh my god did she follow me into the bathroom?**_

_**No, no one was in there with you.**_

_**Then how would she possibly know that I kissed her?**_

"Brittany, what the hell are you talking about?"

"She's talking about you rocking the Ronald McDonald look after getting' your freak on in the bathroom with the miniature drama queen that just ran out of here looking like you told her she'll never sing again." She held out a napkin towards a thoroughly embarrassed looking Quinn.

_**How the hell did it not occur to me to check for that?**_

_**Um, because you were worried about Rachel…**_

"I didn't…"

"Oh please, as if there's any excuse you could possibly come up with as to why you have two shades of lipstick all over your face."

_**Is it possible to spontaneously combust from embarrassment?**_

Quinn wiped her face, her cheeks burning as she averted her gaze to look in the direction she had seen Rachel's car head off in. "I should go after her, I seriously screwed up."

"Don't worry, Quinn, whatever you did, she'll forgive you. Rachel's really good at forgiving people."

_**I might have already met my quota for forgiveness from her…**_

"Yeah. Right. Thanks, Brit. I'll see you guys later."

Quinn felt a nervous prickle work its way up her spine when she arrived at the Berry household only to find it completely empty. She flopped backwards onto Rachel's bed to stare up at the ceiling, her body relaxing despite herself as she felt the comfort of being surrounded by everything Rachel.

_**Maybe I shouldn't wait in her room… **_

_**It's the one place she can't avoid talking to you about this.**_

_**What if she's not here because she expects me to be gone when she gets back?**_

_**If she wanted you gone, she would have said something about it. **_

_**She was really angry, I'm not sure it was really on her mind in the heat of the moment. **_

_**She has your phone number, she could have texted you asking you to be gone by the time she gets home. **_

_**Maybe she just expects me to run…**_

_**Or maybe she just needs some space, some time to calm down… if you leave you'll show her you haven't changed, that you're the scared girl she accused you of being. **_

_**How am I supposed to make this better?**_

_**We've been through this, you have to be honest. **_

_**About what?**_

_**Everything. **_

_**What if that means telling her that I'm afraid I can't do this. **_

_**At least you'll be honest. **_

_**I don't want to lose her. It's been amazing being closer to her.**_

_**Then don't fuck it up. **_

_**You know that's seriously not helpful.**_

_**Well what do you want me to say? I can't pretend you aren't kind of fucked up.**_

_**You're such an ass.**_

_**Talk to her.**_

_**I can't talk to her if she's not here.**_

_**She'll come back eventually. Just settle back and wait… be patient, she's certainly been patient with you while you confused the hell out of her and made her think you didn't want her. **_

_**I can't even believe how much of a mess I made of this. **_

_**I told you she was flirting with you. **_

_**Shut up.**_

_**Whatever. Ass. **_

Quinn furrowed her brow and cracked one eye open, confused when she noticed that the room was bathed in darkness, even more confused when she could hear the faint sound of music and voices through the open bedroom door. She glanced down at her phone, her frown deepening as she noticed the late hour and the twelve missed calls from Santana. Silently, she pushed herself off of the bed, noticing that Rachel must have come in at some point when she found a blanket draped over her legs.

_**She didn't wake me…**_

_**Yeah, but she put a blanket on you, so that must be a good sign.**_

_**It's Rachel. She'd do that even if she hated me…**_

_**Seriously, what the fuck is that noise? It sounds like a party…**_

_**Is Rachel throwing a party?**_

_**Well… that can't be good… she gets… interesting when she drinks. **_

_**Yeah well, how about we watch our own alcohol intake, if that's what's going on down there, huh?**_

_**Shut up, you were the one that wanted rum last time…**_

Quinn's eyebrow arched up as she finally made it down into the basement, her gaze stopping on Rachel who was sitting on the edge of the little 'stage' laughing hysterically as Blaine awkwardly kissed a rather uncomfortable looking Finn. She rolled her eyes at the sight of the spin the bottle board that she and Santana had made years ago, not comforted at all by the fact that Santana probably had the little remote that they used to control the rigged device. She headed further into the room, catching the Latina's eye and moving to over to her immediately, ignoring the various greetings she received from the group of mostly glee people.

"Q, what the fuck? Do you ever answer your phone? Where the hell have you been?"

"I was upstairs, asleep."

"How the fuck did you sleep through this?"

"Rachel's room has that sound proof stuff in the walls. This was seriously muffled. The only reason I heard it when I woke up was because the door was open."

"You were asleep in Berry's room?"

"I was waiting for her to get back. Clearly she went through a lot of effort not to wake me up."

"Yeah, well… so far I've managed to make sure she only spins Blaine and Brittany, but you really need to do something before she gets wasted… she's only had a few drinks and I mixed them myself, made sure they were pretty mild."

"What am I supposed to do? I can't exactly talk to her in the middle of this party… why are you all here anyway?"

"Something about Finn and Kurt convincing her we needed to celebrate auditions being over. Whatever, it was a reason to drink and make out with Brittany."

"Your gay is showing again."

"Yeah well at least I'm not the only one…. Get your ass in that circle and show the midget what she's missing out on."

"I can't. I have to talk to her…"

Santana rolled her eyes and glanced over at the group of laughing people before reaching over to her left and grabbing something off of the table. She glanced at Rachel, then darted to the back of the room and flipped open the washing machine, dumping the contents of the container into the machine before shutting it again. "Don't say I never did anything for you…. Hey, Berry!"

Rachel turned her head towards the Cheerio, her smile dropping as she somehow finally noticed Quinn standing there. "What?"

"We need more ice."

"All ready?"

"Just get the damn ice while you can still walk up the stairs." She waved the ice bucket at the girl until Rachel got up and took it from her, glaring the entire time. "Go Fabray."

"Sometimes, you're actually a pretty decent friend, Lopez." She walked away from the group of people, following Rachel up to the kitchen, stopping to lean against the counter as she watched the girl loudly clanking ice into the bucket.

"Rachel? Can I please talk to you for a minute?"

Dark eyes peered over at her before she averted her gaze and focused entirely too much of the ice in her hand. "I have guests…"

"They're all drunk. You can take five minutes to talk to me."

"Like you took the time to talk to me when I wanted to?"

"Don't do that, I wasn't—"

"Maybe I don't want to hear it."

"Could you please just let me talk?"

"No!" She spun, eyes blazing as she glared up at Quinn, anger and hurt clear in her features. "I don't want to have to hear your excuses for why you used me to cheat on your boyfriend… and I certainly don't want to hear about you supposedly caring about me when we both know it's all just some big joke to you. I actually believed you! Actually let myself begin to trust you."

"Let me explain!"

"I don't care what your explanation is. I'm not your experiment!"

"No, you're not. It's not like that. If you would just—"

"You kissed me!"

"I'm aware of that."

"Twice! Who asked you to do that?"

"You know, the other day you were hurt because I didn't kiss you."

"That was when I though we were… I don't know, I'm such an idiot for thinking something was happening here, for thinking that I could ever date you… for breaking up with Finn to be with you."

"Rachel…"

"No! I'm tired of being a joke. I'm tired of being used as if my feelings don't matter and I won't do it any more. You don't care about me at all and I'm not going to let you play with my feelings just because you're pissed off at Puck." She pushed past Quinn, headed for the stairs, her voice dropping to a loud whisper as she went by. "Go to hell, Quinn."

_**It's now or never god damn it. Say it. **_

_**I can't.**_

_**You will or you'll lose any chance you ever had with her.**_

"I… god damn it if you would just let me fucking talk, you would find out—"

"Stop it!"

"No! You have to hear this—"

"Why so I can get hurt more? Forget it, I'm done with—"

"I'm fucking in love with you Rachel!"

Rachel froze before quickly turning and advancing back on Quinn. "You don't get to say that to me! You don't get to manipulate me like that. I bought your little admission to some sort of feelings for me the first time, I'm not stupid enough to buy it again, especially not after witnessing your little lovers quarrel with Puck this afternoon… God, Quinn what the hell is wrong with you? Why do you have some sort of pathological need to mess with me? This morning you started to tell me about him, to actually be honest, and now we're back to your little games again. Why can't you just find someone else to torment?"

"I'm not—"

"Stop pretending for five seconds of your life… I don't know what you're hiding from but—"

"I'm not dating Puck! I don't ever want to date Puck again. God, Rachel, can you really tell me that after the way I kissed you last night you honestly believe that I'm just fucking with you? This isn't a game. The only thing I've been hiding from is my feelings for you and I'm done pretending."

"You're yelling at me."

"You were yelling at me first and it was the only way to get you to shut up and listen, since kissing you obviously doesn't do anything but piss you off more."

"You're really not dating Puck?"

"No, I'm not. Didn't you notice Shelby's little sister is down there… I'm pretty sure they're dating."

Rachel's brow furrowed and she glanced towards the stairs before looking back up at Quinn. "That's Shelby's little sister? They just got here, I didn't even… ew Puck is dating my Aunt…"

Quinn smiled slightly and rolled her eyes before taking a small step towards the brunette, her bottom lip tucking in between her teeth. "Did you really break up with Finn for me?"

Rachel blushed and tucked her hair behind her ear, before looking down at her own feet. "Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You were all over the place… one second I believed the things you said that night of Puck's party, and then you would do something that seemed like it was just…"

"I don't know what I said, but I'm pretty sure I can guarantee that I meant it."

"The other day…"

"I was an idiot… I know I hurt your feelings, I'm sorry. I just… I'm constantly going back and forth on this and I don't know which side of myself to listen to."

"What do you mean?"

"I… want this Rachel, I really do… but, I don't think I can."

Chocolate eyes lifted back up to hers, and she swallowed, the small smile that had formed dissipating. "So… what? You're afraid of what it would mean to be involved with me? What people would say or do if they found out?"

Quinn closed her eyes briefly and took a step forward, reaching her hand out for Rachel's, holding on to it when the brunette tried to pull back from the touch. "No. That's not even… Rachel, this isn't about that. Do you seriously think after everything I've been through, that I really care what people think anymore?"

"You've always cared in the past." She finally pulled her hand free and took a step back.

"This is about me… I… I'm broken. I don't know how to be what you want, what you deserve."

"So you thought you'd just play with my emotions knowing full well that you didn't intend on actually being with me."

"No. I'm not… I just told you want to be with you, I just don't know how. I'm afraid that I'll just fuck everything up. Look at how badly I've already messed everything up… what if I end up hurting you even worse than I already have."

"So you're running away."

"No, I'm just… I'm opening up here, Rachel. I'm scared."

"And we all know what Quinn Fabray does when she's scared of something. She runs and hides… and you know what? I'm tired of being the one that suffers every time you can't handle something. I'm… I'm not going to wait around for you anymore. You either do this or you don't. I can't… I won't set myself up to get trampled. I'm tired of waiting for you to wake up and notice me."

"Rachel…" She closed her eyes and sighed as the girl turned and walked out of the room, slowly following her down the stairs and settling into a chair behind the little circle of people still playing spin the bottle.

_**What the fuck is wrong with you?**_

_**A lot actually, do I need to list everything?**_

_**You want to be with her, and she wants to be with you… you can't just make decisions for her. If she decides she can't deal with your level of fucked up then that's her choice to make, but what if she can?**_

_**I can't do that to her, if there's even-**_

"The fuck, Q? I thought you followed her to fix shit?"

"I did. I just…" She leaned closer to the brunette, lowering her voice even further. "If there's even a little of my father in me, S, I just… I can't do that to her."

"I've known you for years, and you're nothing like that crazy son of a bitch… sure, you did stuff to make him happy, but that doesn't mean you didn't come to your senses and stop with that shit."

_**She's right, you're not him. **_

_**I could be.**_

"I'm too fucked up."

"I'm fucked up and I make Brit happy…"

_**You know something… Santana can be seriously mean and I don't think I've ever heard her say anything to Brit that could even come close to hurting her feelings. **_

_**But you're not Santana.**_

_**No, I'm not… but that doesn't mean she isn't right, if she can control her attitude… **_

_**She is genuinely sweet with Brit…**_

Quinn furrowed her brow and turned to look at the Latina. "You do, don't you… you can be the biggest bitch I've ever met in my life, and I've never once seen you take any of that out on Brit."

"Ok I'm going to pretend you didn't just insult me because of our truce and instead tell you that you're being an idiot that needs to get her head out of her ass and get the girl." She grinned, a slightly evil gleam in her eye as she shifted even further back beside Quinn, before subtly taking a small black remote out of her pocket and pushing a button. "Now I'm gonna make sure you know exactly what it is you're missing, and I'm gonna keep doing it until you either rip her clothes off or stop being an idiot."

"No! I'm not kissing Quinn… I'll spin again."

Quinn's head snapped back to the circle, her eyes searching the group as she realized Santana had moved enough to include Quinn in the game while she was focused on their conversation. She shot the girl a dirty look, receiving a cocky smile in return as the Latina turned her attention to Rachel. "You either kiss Quinn or take the consequences."

_**I either really hate Santana right now or really love her.**_

_**Let's go with love, she's being a good friend, in her own Santana kind of way.**_

"Yeah, I'm with Santana… I had to kiss Blaine twice, you guys wouldn't let me re-spin."

"Shut up, Finn."

"I was agreeing with you, Santana."

"Shut up anyway."

_**Yup, love you right now, S.**_

"Fine. What're my consequences?"

Santana's grin turned down right evil before she feigned innocence and shrugged nonchalantly. "Your consequences are that you have to kiss Quinn."

"You can't have a consequence be the same as—"

_**Come on Rachel, just kiss me… she's right I need to show you how this could be so you'll let me talk to you.**_

"I can do whatever I want."

"Come on Rachel, Q's a pretty good kisser, it's not that big a deal….ow" Puck turned his attention to Megan as she thwapped him on the arm. "What?"

"I know that she… I mean… I know it's not a big deal, I just don't want to do it."

_**Um… Rachel just agreed that you're a good kisser.**_

_**Yes. Yes, she did.**_

Quinn arched an eyebrow and Santana grinned wickedly as she caught the slip that the rest of the drunken group had missed. "Wait, you know that Quinn's a good kisser? Now how would you possibly know that?"

_**Santana, you are such an evil genius… god help the world if you ever gain any actual power…**_

"That's not what I… you know what, let's just get this over with." The brunette pushed herself off the edge of the stage and stalked over to the blonde, carefully placed her hands on her shoulders and leaned down. Her eyes blazed at Quinn as she quickly placed a chaste peck on her lips before pulling away.

"That so doesn't count! I had to kiss Blaine for way longer than that!"

_**Don't you dare let her get away with that! You need to get to her. You need to really fucking kiss her.**_

_**But the entire glee club is here and—**_

_**Yeah, and what a perfect way to show her that you can do this.**_

"That's all you're getting you perver-" Her eyes widened as Quinn fisted her hands in the front of her shirt and pulled her back down, ignoring the tensing she could feel in the smaller girl as their lips met. She slid one pale hand up to cup a bronzed cheek as she deepened the kiss, barely aware of the various comments around them when she felt Rachel melt into the touch. Gently, Quinn pulled back and watched as dark eyes fluttered open, slowly focusing on her. Rachel's chest rose and fell as she remained bent over just staring at Quinn. Then she turned and disappeared up the stairs, leaving everyone to turn and stare at Quinn, confused.

"That was hot."

"Shut up, Puckerman."

"He's right, that was awesome."

"Only you would find your two ex girlfriends making out hot, Finn-ane." Santana turned to Quinn, nudging her with her elbow before shooting Finn with a disgusted glance.

_**Fuck. **_

_**No, you got to her, this is good. Now go talk to her.**_

Quinn sighed and stood up from her chair. "I um… I guess she really didn't want to kiss me… I should go apologize."

She closed her eyes as she found Rachel's door closed and pulled her lip between her teeth as she knocked softly, pushing it open when she heard Rachel's annoyed 'what' in response. "Rachel I—"

"Why do you have to keep kissing me?"

_**Don't you dare smile. **_

_**I wasn't going to…**_

_**Yes you were, you like how much you can affect her.**_

_**Shut up.**_

Quinn quietly shut the door behind her and leaned against it as she watched Rachel pace back and forth in front of the foot of her bed. "I'm sorry, I—"

"Do you not understand how cruel that is? To torture me by constantly showing me what I can't have? To give me a taste only to… stop rubbing this in my face, Quinn!" She stopped to look at her, hands coming up to her hips as she stared at the silent blonde. "Are you going to just stand there and stare at me? I think I deserve an apology."

_**Yeah right, like I can actually get a word in with you interrupting me every five seconds…**_

_**Um… she's being quiet and waiting for you to speak.**_

_**Oh, right. Well you can see why I wouldn't expect that.**_

_**Shut up and answer her!**_

"Are you going to let me talk?" She waited as Rachel narrowed her eyes before finally waving a hand at the blonde and crossing her arms over her chest. "You were right, I always run away from everything. When I said that I didn't think I could do this, I was just trying to be open with you Rachel, to tell you why I'm afraid of this. I wasn't rejecting you, I was sharing."

"And that's supposed to make me feel better because…"

"Because it means I'm not running. I'm trying to tell you… I'm trying to lay out all of my issues so that you can decide if you really want to take all of it on or not. Yes, I want to run, to tell you to get as far away from me as possible because I'm too fucked up for any of this, but… I… I know I can't make that decision for you, so I'm trying to explain why being with me could be a bad idea."

"So you're trying to make me do the running for you?"

_**Oh my god, why isn't she getting this?**_

_**Don't get frustrated.**_

_**She's seriously frustrating.**_

_**Yeah and you're not mad even a little, so revel in that and just fucking talk.**_

Quinn ran her hand over her forehead, taking in a deep breath to try to keep herself calm and not allow her frustration to come through in her response. "Rachel… my father, the things he's done to me my entire life… the way he's treated me, the things he's said to me… the times he hit me… and then, he the things he did to me that sent me to the hospital at the beginning of the summer… I'm just, I'm afraid that if even a fraction of that is in me, I could hurt you. I'm not exactly known for being sweet or kind, you know the type of person that you should be with."

Rachel's stance softened, and she dropped her hands to her sides as she moved back to sit on the cushioned chest at the foot of her bed, her eyes on her own hands as they came together in her lap. "If we were together, do you think you could actually talk to me the way you used to?"

_**Never.**_

_**I think that's her point.**_

"I don't ever want to put that look on your face again… but if I get angry, if I lose control…"

Chestnut eyes lifted back up to her, and she lifted one hand, holding it out to Quinn. The blonde looked down at the hand that was reaching for her, her bottom lip tucking back in between her teeth again before she took the few steps forward to sit beside Rachel, not taking her hand but not allowing the same distance between them. "Why are you so convinced that you're like him?"

"Look at the way I've treated you over the years."

"You're not like that anymore… I don't think you ever really were. I think you were afraid to go against him, afraid to be yourself. And now, now you can be the person that you've been hiding all of this time."

_**She's making a lot of sense…**_

_**You're just saying that because she's taking your side.**_

_**Yeah well, when I try to make sense you ignore me, maybe you'll actually listen to her.**_

"How do you know I'm not the Quinn Fabray that tortured you?"

"I really can't see that Quinn grabbing me and kissing me in front of the entire glee club after professing her love to me in my kitchen." She leaned over and nudged the blonde playfully with her side.

Quinn rolled her eyes and snorted out a small laugh. "Yeah… I'm sorry, I just, you were so angry and for some reason I thought if I kissed you and showed you what we could have, you would listen to me."

Rachel was quiet for a few seconds before dropping her gaze back down to the floor, her voice soft when she finally spoke again. "If you're not dating Puck, why were you out with him?"

"What? Oh… no, I wasn't… we went to see Beth. Which, by the way, I'm not handling well… I want to be a part of her life so badly, but it's the same thing with her that it is with you, I'm afraid that if I'm like him…" She trailed off, surprised when she felt Rachel's hand on her cheek turning her face to look at her, her thumb running tenderly over her cheek bone as she looked at her.

"Quinn… the fact that you know exactly what not to do, what not to be… the fact that you're so concerned about treating me right that you'd be willing to give up what you want just to keep me safe and happy… don't you see, that already makes you different than him. I see someone sweet and kind sitting in front of me, someone that loves me so much she'd rather risk scaring me away than hurting me down the road." She leaned forward, stopping when Quinn lifted her hand to rest on the wrist of the hand that still held a pale cheek.

"Are you sure about this, Rach? I can't make any promises… all I can offer is… I'll try, I'll always try to be—"

One tan finger against her lips stopped her mid sentence, soft brown eyes watching her from the face that smiled sweetly. "Just keep loving me." She leaned forward, the second their lips touched the world melted away and Quinn lost herself in the kiss.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Quinn's brow furrowed as she woke to the sound of soft snoring. She lifted her head, confused when she looked down at Rachel tucked against her only to realize that the sound wasn't coming from her. The brunette rolled over and cuddled further against her when she tried to sit up to look around the room. She was stuck craning her neck to try and get a better look at whoever was sleeping on the floor on the other side of the room. Sighing, she settled back down, unable to determine who it was. She smiled and wrapped her arms back around Rachel who burrowed into her neck.

_**Who the hell is on the floor, and why are they even in here? There's a guest bedroom. **_

_**Maybe the guest bedroom has someone else in it.**_

_**Ew if someone had sex in the bed I have to sleep in…**_

_**Maybe you can convince Rachel to let you stay in here with her for the week. You could claim disgust at the idea of sleeping where someone else had sex.**_

_**I am disgusted by that idea. I don't have to claim anything.**_

_**Wait, what if her response is that she had sex with Finn in her own bed so it's basically the same thing…**_

_**Why would you say that? I'm perfectly happy here, cuddling her and you have to put that idea in my head?**_

_**Sorry…**_

_**The hell's wrong with you?**_

_**It's a possibility you know, she is different after her summer of dating him.**_

_**And you felt I needed to think about this right this second after I just sort of got together with her?**_

_**Sort of?**_

_**Well… yeah. I mean we established that we want to be together, and try this but… I don't know, I didn't like ask her out on a date or anything. Am I supposed to do that?**_

_**Didn't she technically yell at you that you'd already been on dates?**_

_**Wait, so does that mean we're dating, or do I still ask her out?**_

_**This is seriously more complicated than it needs to be. **_

_**Well think about it… we kissed and cuddled and she asked me to stay in here while she went downstairs to check on everyone, which means she wanted me to sleep in here with her… and she had the most adorable shy look on her face when she came back in. **_

_**Yeah she did…**_

_**But then we just cuddled and were kind of quiet.**_

_**Ugh, boys were so much easier. **_

_**And gross, and disgusting, and furry.**_

_**Ok, thank you, not helpful. Maybe you should just… oh my god, did she just kiss my neck?**_

_**Yes, yes she did. And now she's looking at you, do something. Say something.**_

_**You want me to speak while she's this close after kissing my neck?**_

_**Yes.**_

"Morning."

"Good morning. How did you sleep? It didn't seem like you had any nightmares."

Quinn smiled and rolled onto her side to face her, one pale hand lifted to tuck dark strands of hair behind one ear. "I slept really well actually." She nodded slightly towards the snoring sounds still coming from the other side of the room. "Who the hell is in here?"

Rachel's brow furrowed slightly as she sat up and crawled to the edge of the bed to peer over before settled back down on her side to look at Quinn. "It looks like Santana and Brittany, and I think that Megan girl."

Quinn's eyebrows lifted. "You mean your aunt? The one that can go back home to the apartment she shares with Shelby and tell her that I not only kissed her daughter but spent the night in her bed…"

Rachel smiled, blushed, rolled her eyes and laced their fingers together before Quinn could even consider escaping. "Shelby and I just started talking again. I don't think she really considers me her daughter, I think that position has been filled. I also don't think she would care even if she did know about anything I did with anyone."

Quinn squeezed the hand she held and moved closer. "Shelby cares more about you than you realize. She messed up, Rach. That doesn't mean she doesn't regret it. One of the reasons she came back was to be a part of your life. I think you should give her a chance, make an effort. She's probably worried about you wanting her to fit into her life after the way she left things last time."

"I don't know if I want to set myself up for her to just decide she doesn't want a teenage daughter again."

"You gave me a second chance."

Rachel smiled, a flirty expression entering her face as dark eyes shined brightly at her. "Yeah, well, you plied me with kisses." She leaned forward slowly and brushed her lips against Quinn's.

_**Do it now!**_

_**What? Do what? Why are you talking to me right now?**_

_**Ask her out on a date.**_

_**Can't I just kiss her?**_

"Do you want to…" She mumbled against Rachel's lips, watching as Rachel pulled back just enough to look at her. Quinn bit her bottom lip and ducked her head, rolling her eyes at herself as she felt a smile on her own lips. "…go out on a date with me?"

A huge smile stretched across Rachel's face and she leaned forward, recapturing Quinn's lips. Quinn smiled into the kiss, mumbling against the lips that were still kissing her. "I'll take that as a yes?"

"Yes."

She shifted closer to Rachel, one hand sliding up into her hair as she felt a hand on her hip pulling her against the smaller girl's body. The memory of their kiss in the guest bedroom flooded Quinn's head and a small moan escaped her throat as she deepened the kiss, not fully acknowledging the thud and yelp that came from the floor.

"What the actual fuck, Q? We're in the room!"

_**You totally forgot there were other people in the room.**_

_**Well, who the hell invited them in here in the first place?**_

_**It's Santana, she's not exactly one to talk in this situation anyway.**_

Quinn pulled back and turned to look at Santana, a smiled on her face as she noticed the deep blush that filled Rachel's cheeks. "Oh please, I've seen you and Brittany do so much more than kiss."

"Yeah well, I doubt I'd survive having to gouge out my own eyes if I had to actually witness Berry half naked, so let's just keep it PG."

"Be nice, Santana."

"I fucking knew this would happen when you finally hooked up with—"

"I'm confused, aren't you all friends?"

_**Oh fuck. I really forgot she was here.**_

The brunette turned to the voice, eyebrows together in confusion as she noticed the girl on the other side of the blonde. "Who the hell are you?"

"Um… Megan. We met last night."

_**What do I do? That's fucking Megan.**_

_**Just calm down, you don't have to panic. **_

_**She's Rachel's… um aunt… and she just saw me making out with her, not to mention the fact that she's Shelby's sister as in Beth's… um Aunt. Wow this is seriously more complicated than it ever needed to be. **_

_**And kind of weird. **_

_**Only because her relative just saw me mauling Rachel…**_

"Oh my god." Quinn slid away from Rachel, her face burning.

Santana turned her attention back to Quinn, her hands on her hips as she looked back and forth between them. "What's your problem? So Puck's flavor of the month is in here, what's the big deal?"

Rachel finally lifted her gaze from the floor, cheeks still bright red as she moved the blankets and stood from the bed, stopping when she finally reached Megan her arm outstretched. "Hi, um… I don't believe we were formally introduced last night. You arrived late with Noah and I didn't really have a chance to speak to you, and I'm not sure if you're even really aware of who—"

_**Oh my god, say something before she goes on forever…**_

"Rachel, you're babbling."

She turned her gaze back to Quinn, before blushing an even deeper shade of crimson as she looked back at Megan once again. "I'm Rachel, and I believe that technically, if you really get into the details of familial relationships, you are, in fact, through genetics…"

"Um… what are you talking about?" The girl shook her hand, alternately watching her and glancing around the room at the other girls, wide eyed.

_**Seriously she could actually go on forever if you let her. **_

_**Well just… fix it.**_

"She's trying to tell you that you're her aunt… she's Shelby's daughter."

Santana barked out a laugh and took a step closer to the two women standing in front of each other. "Hold up… Let's pretend for like a second, that you didn't just drop the bomb that Puck's actually dating his own kid's aunt… but she also just witnessed the birth daughter of her sister making out with the birth mother of her adopted niece? Are there hidden cameras in here? Are people gonna pop out yelling Jerry and flinging chairs around the room?"

_**Yeah because this isn't already awkward enough…**_

"Shut up, Santana."

"No way, this is like the best cure for a hangover ever. Berry's humiliation is always-"

_**God damn it, this is fucking hard enough for Rachel, don't fucking start with me right now bitch!**_

Quinn finally stood from the bed and stalked over to the smirking Cheerio, stopping when she was nose to nose with her. "Did you forget our little 'chat' about being nicer to Rachel, or do I need to remind you of what happened last time you ignored me on this one?"

"Oh I don't think you'll be pulling that little stunt again, not now that I can spread word of your Sapphic tendencies towards small, gnome-like woodland creatures."

_**Can you please just hit her? Just a little?**_

_**No. And seriously, is it even healthy that you're this protective of Rachel?**_

_**Whatever, I owe her.**_

_**Yeah, that's totally the reason.**_

_**Shut up. I asked her out on a date, she said yes… we're technically kind of dating, so… seriously just shut up.**_

"Keep insulting her, see where than gets you…"

"Q, San really likes Rachel, she doesn't mean it. She's happy for you guys, she told me so when we were in the bathtub before we came over here last night… she's totally right, too. You guys are way cute."

"Brit…" The Latina turned bright red and shot her gaze over to the blonde that was still seated contentedly on the floor, smiling up at her.

_**I love you Brit.**_

"Ok… seriously, what's wrong with you people?" Four sets of eyes turned back to a startled looking Megan.

"Don't mind Santana, she's just… Santana. If she's not insulting someone she's not breathing." Rachel smiled nervously at the girl. "Would you mind not mentioning any of this to Shelby? I… I mean any of it." She darted her eyes towards Quinn, never actually meeting her gaze before returning her focus back to Megan.

_**The fuck?**_

_**Did she just say that?**_

_**So, wait… I can stand up for her and get in Santana's face, but… she wants to make sure no one knows about me?**_

"Shelby's not going to care that you're gay, Rachel."

"I'm not gay… I mean, not exclusively, what I mean is, I consider sexuality to be quite fluid and would really prefer not to have to assign a specific label towards myself, but if I had to, I think bisexual would be a much more appropriate description, especially considering my own personal history when it comes to anything actually sexu—"

_**I told you she probably had sex with him… and you were just kissing her in that very bed.**_

_**Oh my god, everyone just needs to shut up about this, I'm seriously nauseous right now. **_

"Rachel, please stop talking." Quinn's voice was low, her eyes on the floor as she quietly interrupted the babbling girl.

"You're so Shelby it's insane."

"What?"

"Well, I mean not now, she's calmed down a lot… but she used to go off like that all the time when she was younger. Seriously though, she won't care who you're dating, I think she even briefly had a thing with a girl when she was in New York the first time… some back up dancer from a show or something."

"I really don't know what to do with that, but I would still appreciate it if you didn't say anything to her."

_**Yeah, because apparently only Finn matters…**_

_**Stop it Quinn, it might not have anything to do with you personally. **_

_**She wore a team Finn t-shirt to his basketball games, and she doesn't even want her estranged mother that she doesn't really have a relationship with to know about me…**_

"Sure, no problem… hey, I can totally be your cool aunt…"

"I, I'm not really sure that I'm really a part of your family."

Megan shrugged, her eyes hovering over Quinn as she responded. "I know my sister really wants you to be, she said something about Beth making her realize that she'd made a mistake or something… I don't know you'll have to ask her, but the point is she wants you around."

"Oh my god if I have to stand here and watch this touching crap any longer, I'm going to choke on my own vomit… Berry totally insulting Q aside, because that part was actually pretty fun. Come on Brit, let's see if there's any normal food that you wouldn't find on a forest floor in the kitchen." She smirked as she watched Rachel's eyes shoot to Quinn, and headed towards the door, Brittany in tow.

_**Santana can be so freakin bi-polar. One second she's saying shit just to piss me off, and the next she's totally got my back.**_

_**She always has your back, she's just bitchy about it. **_

Megan glanced between Rachel and Quinn. "Yeah, I could seriously use some water."

"Oh, yes, I'm sorry. Please help yourself to anything in the kitchen, I'll be right down." Rachel smiled at Megan, her eyes still on the silent blonde that had seated herself at the edge of the bed, her face partially obscured by the white bed post.

_**I don't want to be here right now. **_

_**How did we even get to this place? This morning started out so perfect…**_

_**Yeah, until you realized Rachel's embarrassed by you. **_

Quinn watched Megan leave out of the corner of her eye, her entire body tensing as Rachel moved to stand beside her, one hand resting on the wood beside her head, her eyes trying to meet Quinn's gaze. "Quinn…"

_**Run the fuck away. **_

_**If I move, she might touch me to get me to stop. **_

_**Well say something then…**_

"You know, we should really go down to the kitchen with everyone else. Letting Puck loose in any room that has food is never the best idea." She remained where she was, aware that if she actually stood she'd be face to face with the brunette.

"I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings, I just-"

_**You just want to keep me your dirty little secret. **_

Hazel eyes lifted to the chocolate gaze that was still looking down at her. "I get it. "Whatever, Rach. I'm barely even anything to you. I really didn't expect you to want to shout anything from the rooftops."

_**Liar. You expected her to want to do just that.**_

_**You can't blame me. Look at how she was with Finn and Jesse. **_

"Quinn, that's not—"

"Seriously, whatever. It was really stupid of me to think that this meant anything to you beyond having Quinn Fabray fawning over you. Of course I'm just an experiment to you, I—"

"Hey Rachel, where the hell do you hide the painkillers in this house? My head is… oh, um, sorry."

Rachel turned towards the doorway. "Noah, can you give us a minute?"

"My head's killing me, too. Come on, Puck, there's some in the medicine cabinet in the guest room."

"Quinn, please just let me—"

She stood and pushed past the brunette, ignoring the hurt look that immediately passed across her features, offering Puck a small smile as she approached him when he quirked an eyebrow at her. "Why does your head hurt? You didn't drink anything."

"Stress."

Quinn silently watched the houses passing by through the back seat window, blatantly ignoring the pleading look Rachel was giving her for the millionth time that day.

_**Why does she keep looking at me like that? What's her deal anyway?**_

_**Um, maybe it's that you won't let her explain. **_

_**Explain what? That I'm a complete moron for thinking she could ever feel anything real for me after years of this weird back and forth of antagonism and miniscule moments of hope for something better…**_

_**Ok um, that was a really unhealthy level of depressive.**_

_**Do you have a better explanation?**_

_**There could be a million reasons she didn't want Shelby to hear about this morning from Megan. **_

_**What about her panicked babble about how she's not gay…**_

_**Maybe you should just let her talk.**_

_**Maybe you should shut up. **_

_**That's productive. **_

_**You're the reason I'm in this fucking car. **_

_**You wanted an excuse not to be alone with Rachel when everyone left. **_

_**Yeah and going to Shelby's sounds so much better…**_

_**Ok, in retrospect, this isn't the best idea in the world. **_

_**What the fuck is up with Megan practically forcing Rachel to come along anyway?**_

_**It's Rachel's family too…**_

_**Too? What's this too crap? Beth is my family.**_

_**Yeah and she's a part of Rachel's family, you're all stuck with each other now. **_

_**Whatever. **_

_**That's a mature response. **_

_**I have a headache, and I seriously don't want to be around Shelby, Beth and Rachel at the same time right now. Shelby's already suspicious of my relationship with her daughter and now I have to worry about Rachel getting pissed at me for giving away too much by looking at her the wrong way, and on top of that Beth will most likely be awake this time.**_

_**If you had just let Rachel talk to you, you'd have her support for this instead of having extra things to worry about. **_

_**I don't need anyone's support, thank you very much. **_

_**I'm not enjoying you like this. **_

_**Well it's a good thing no one asked you then. **_

_**You're tensing, as if you could get any more tense. **_

_**Yeah well, you're not helping with that. **_

_**You need to calm down, in a few seconds we'll be opening the door to Shelby's apartment and you don't want to be this tense around Beth. **_

_**I don't need you to tell me that. **_

_**Do you need me to tell you that you're hands are clenched so tightly that you're going to draw blood soon with virtually non existent nails?**_

She lifted her hand slightly, sighing when she opened it to see the angry red half moons in her flesh. Her jaw clenched tightly, she squeezed her eyes shut and dropped her hand back to her side, jumping slightly when she felt Rachel gently grasp it. She opened her eyes and furrowed her brow as she looked over just long enough to see a small sad smile on the brunette's face before the door opened and she felt Rachel offer a supportive squeeze to her stiff unresponsive hand. Shelby smiled warmly at them and greeted everyone before turning her attention to her sister to question her about where she had been the previous night. Quinn allowed Rachel to pull her into the apartment, her eyes locked onto the little girl sitting in the center of the living room surrounded by toys. Her entire body remained stiff, her hand refusing to close around the darker one that still held it, her muscles tensing even further when she felt Rachel brush a thumb against the sensitive flesh on the inside of her wrist. She shot an angry glance towards Rachel and pulled her hand as roughly away as she could get away with without making it seem like she was doing anything other than moving over to the little girl that had looked up at her. She caught a glimpse of the hurt that crossed Rachel's features before she made her way over to Beth, a mesmerized little smile on her face as she watched the little girl smile up at her.

The rest of the room seemed to blur into the background to her as she sank down onto the edge of the couch beside Beth's spot on the floor, biting her bottom lip as she reached out a hand to accept the toy a tiny hand held out to her as the baby said something incoherent to her.

_**She's just so beautiful. **_

_**This isn't so bad. **_

_**Why does she keep handing me toys?**_

_**Who cares, it's adorable. **_

_**Um.. she's still doing it, is she going to give me every toy in the apartment? What am I supposed to be doing with them?**_

_**Hold them for her?**_

_**Should I hand one back to her?**_

She glanced down at the growing pile of toys in her lap and fished out a particularly brightly colored one before she held it back out to the little girl. Beth lifted her gaze to her face, then back down to the toy and furrowed her brow while mumbling gibberish at her, then took it and smiled up at her as she placed it back in Quinn's lap.

_**Ok… well that clearly wasn't what I was supposed to do. I suck at this. **_

_**She's a one year old, give yourself some credit, you're here, that's what matters.**_

_**Why does everything need to be in my lap?**_

_**I repeat, she's a one year old… I'm not overly sure logic is high up on the list of things she's capable of. **_

_**Am I seriously supposed to hold them all on my lap? What if I drop one? Will it make her cry?**_

_**Is logic on your list right now?**_

_**Shut up.**_

She looked up as she realized the others had come over towards Beth, noticing that Shelby was smiling at her as she watched her attempting to juggle the pile of toys on her lap. She continued moving over to Quinn and leaned down to scoop up the pile, winking as she placed it back on the floor on the other side of the baby, earning a furrowed brow from the child who mumbled more incoherent babbling and methodically began to transfer the toys one by one back into Quinn's lap.

"Have you met your little sister yet, Rachel?" Shelby smiled warmly over to the brunette, who shook her head no and took a few steps forward, her eyes on Quinn.

_**Little sister. My daughter is Rachel's adoptive little sister…**_

_**Yeah, um… this whole situation is kind of fucked up. **_

_**You had your tongue in the mouth of your daughter's big sister this morning. **_

_**That was just… crude. Kissing Rachel isn't… just don't talk about her like that.**_

_**Oh, whatever… **_

_**Is it wrong for me to want something with her considering her relationship to Beth?**_

_**No, you knew Rachel long before Beth ever existed. But, it might be wrong to want something with someone that's ashamed of you.**_

_**Yeah…**_

Quinn swallowed and averted her gaze back down to Beth, but moved her legs enough for Rachel to get passed her to sit on the couch beside her. The little girl watched the brunette settle down beside Quinn, then reached up and grabbed onto the blonde's long skirt in an attempt to use it to pull herself up from the floor. Without even thinking about it, Quinn reached her own hands down, her breath catching when tiny fingers curled around her own as she helped her up. She kept a tight hold of Quinn's fingers as she walked unsteadily towards Rachel, eyes big as she looked up into the brunette's face. The baby turned to look back at Shelby, who smiled and leaned down to pick her up and deposit her on the couch in between the two girls. The little girl immediately launched herself forward towards Rachel, hands pushing against her face, one poking at her nose even as Rachel's eyes grew large and she jerked sideways to catch her.

_**Why does she like Rachel so much better than me?**_

_**Do you really not know the answer to that?**_

_**I know I'm being weird, but I'm trying, and it's not like a little kid can tell I'm being weird. **_

_**Rachel looks like Shelby, Quinn… as in the woman she knows as her mother.**_

_**Oh… right. Yeah… of course. **_

"She's enamored with you already." Megan sat down on Rachel's other side. Puck perched on the coffee table across from her as they both watched the little girl playing with the brunette's face. "Must be genetic."

_**Oh my god, I can't believe she just said that. **_

_**Don't look at Rachel!**_

_**No fucking kidding.**_

_**You're bright red you know. **_

_**Maybe Shelby won't notice.**_

_**Rachel will.**_

Rachel's face flushed and she shot a nervous glance towards Quinn, whose cheeks were equally crimson, her brow furrowing when Puck looked over at Megan. "What? Rachel and I only dated for like a week, forever ago… and it was only because she's a hot little Jew and my mom is always telling me I don't date enough Jews. Oh, besides the time we made out while…" Four sets of eyes focused on him and he trailed off and ducked his head as he realized what he had said, and who he had said it in front of.

"_You _dated Rachel?" Shelby looked over at the embarrassed brunette, who was momentarily distracted as she removed a tiny hand from her mouth before shooting Puck a glare.

"Only for like a second… and I didn't get very far, she wouldn't even let me touch her bo—"

"Puck, shut up, you're not making it any better." Quinn ran a hand over her forehead and shot a quick look over to Shelby who was still watching the boy like he had sprouted an extra head.

"Noah was a momentary lapse in judgment. I like to think my tastes have… matured since then, and that I wouldn't make relationship decisions based on popularity, that I would instead opt to begin romantic endeavors based on actual compatibility and feelings I genuinely have for an individual." Dark eyes briefly met with the hazel gaze that hazarded a glance in her direction, and Quinn suddenly stood from her seat and took a few steps away from the couch.

_**She's talking about you… she's saying that for your benefit.**_

_**She can't be. She's made it quite clear that I'm just some experiment. **_

_**Ok smartass, then why is she saying that?**_

_**For her mother's benefit. **_

_**Yeah, ok. **_

_**Shut up. **_

_**Look at her, she's talking to you.**_

_**I need to get the hell out of this situation.**_

"Um… can I use your bathroom?"

"Sure, it's through the bedroom there. "

She nodded, barely even paying attention to the sets of eyes that were following her red face out of the room. The second the door was closed, she closed her eyes and braced herself against the sink before she finally began to splash cool water over her face.

_**What was I thinking coming here with Rachel?**_

_**I think the better question is, what the fuck is up with Megan's teasing?**_

_**I don't know, I get that she's trying to bond with her niece, but can't she just shut the fuck up? **_

_**And what is up with Rachel's little speech? She's the one that's ashamed of me, I didn't do this, she did. **_

_**I'm seriously confused though, she basically just said she has feelings for me, so why is she so ashamed of anything between us?**_

_**Maybe she wasn't actually saying that about you, maybe that was her way of telling you that she doesn't think this is a good idea because she has made this mistake in the past and has realized she shouldn't do it again. **_

_**Yeah…**_

She dried her face and headed back out into the living room, a small smile crossing her features when she was greeted with a huge giggly grin from Beth as Rachel held her hands and followed behind her as the baby unsteadily walked towards the blonde in the doorway. Little legs sped up as she looked up into Quinn's smiling face, and the blonde kneeled down as she stumbled slightly, one hand catching the little one that jerked out of Rachel's. The brunette knelt down behind the little girl, laughing when Beth flung herself backwards into her arms to look up at her, still giggling.

"They're so cute together."

Quinn glanced over at Megan, then looked down at herself, realizing that she and Rachel were both holding one of Beth's hands in their own, looking every bit the couple with a little kid nestled between them. She pulled her hand away from Rachel, her face coloring again as she settled back on her heels away from the brunette. "We're not together."

"What?" Shelby stopped smiling and turned her attention to the blonde, her brow furrowed as she took in the hurt look on Rachel's face as she stared over at Quinn.

"Um… I was talking about Rachel and Beth. You know, how they make adorable siblings…"

"What's going on? It totally seems like I'm missing something."

Quinn closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose between two fingers. "When aren't you missing something, Puckerman?"

"Hey."

"I think I could use some air, if you'll all excuse me." Rachel helped the little girl stand up as she surged forward towards Quinn, her arms outstretched, making sure she made it to the safety of the blonde's arms before she averted her gaze and disappeared out of the front door.

"I think I should go check on Rachel." Shelby kept her eyes focused on Quinn, who steadily avoided the older woman's gaze. "Megan, would you please put Beth down for her nap soon?"

"Sure."

Shelby kept her eyes on Quinn, studying her for a minute, before she finally turned and followed her daughter out of the apartment. The second the door was closed, Quinn looked over at Megan. "What the hell, Megan? Rachel specifically asked you not to say anything."

"Say anything about what?" They both ignored him as he moved to the couch and looked back and for the between them.

"I didn't say anything, I was talking about Rachel and Beth."

"What about the genetic crack?"

"Look, Quinn, I was subtly teasing the girl that I was just introduced to as my niece, and no one would have even thought twice about the comment if you hadn't turned bright red and acted like you live with your head permanently lodged up your ass."

"You have no idea what's going on, and she asked you to keep it to yourself, I'm not the one with my head up my ass."

"Yeah, right… I'm the reason she left the room looking like she wanted to cry."

"Mind your own business."

"We're here to involve Rachel in the family that she's always wanted to be a part of. I'm her aunt, and I'm always going to be her family from here on out, so she is my business. You, on the other hand, could be a passing phase for all I know."

"Screw you."

"No, thanks. Luckily the infatuation with you doesn't run in the family."

"Ok, everyone needs to stop arguing about whatever the hell it is you're arguing about, you're upsetting Beth." Puck gestured towards the little girl that was looking up at Quinn from her lap.

Quinn sighed as she took in the big eyes looking up at her, and smiled comfortingly down at the girl, before she sank down further onto the ground and automatically wrapped her arms around the child to cradle her against her body. She began to rock back and forth gently, her heart melting when a little hand curled around the edge of her shirt and the toddler nestled her head against Quinn's chest, her eyes drooping when Quinn ran one tender hand across wispy blonde hair that had settled against her forehead.

_**You're holding her. **_

_**I am. **_

_**You didn't even think about it… and she…**_

_**She likes it. **_

_**I'm so completely in love with this little person. **_

_**You're comforting her. **_

_**I… I can do this. I can be here for her. **_

_**She doesn't hate you. **_

_**No, she doesn't. She doesn't see anything but me, smiling down at her. **_

_**I told you. **_

_**You did. **_

_**She's the most perfect little person that's ever lived. **_

_**Yeah. She is. **_

_**Why was I so afraid of this?**_

_**You were afraid you'd damage her the way he damaged you. **_

_**I couldn't. I love her too much. I would do anything for that little face. **_

_**See. You can be furious at the people around you, and hurting… and that little face in looking up at you from your arms fixes it all. **_

_**I don't want to let her go. **_

_**She's not just yours though. **_

_**I know. That hurts. **_

_**You have to find a way to fix this with Shelby and Rachel, they're a part of your life now, and you need to make sure this family can stay whole for Beth. **_

_**I don't know if Rachel wants to fix it. **_

_**Try. For Beth. **_

_**Maybe I really shouldn't be trying anything with Rachel, maybe it's selfish. **_

_**What if it brings you all even closer together?**_

_**How could it, if she's embarrassed by me, if I don't mean to her what she means to me?**_

_**Look, it's a little late now to go back to just friends, don't you think?**_

_**I guess. I don't know. All I know, is… I never want to be out of Beth's life ever again… and even if Rachel hates me, I'll do whatever I have to in order to make this family safe and whole for Beth. **_

She slid back to lean against the wall, looking down at the little girl that was sleeping securely in her arms, the other two people in the room forgotten. After what seemed like eternity and only a few minutes that could never be enough, Megan finally came over to her and knelt beside her, one hand on her arm. She looked up and returned the soft smile the girl was offering her as she nodded towards Beth's bedroom. They stood in silence, watching her sleep until Puck appeared in the doorway and gestured for them to come back out into the living room.

"Shelby gave Rachel a ride home, do you want a ride somewhere, Q?"

_**Fuck me sideways, she's seriously upset with me. **_

_**Can you blame her?**_

She glanced at the clock, realizing she had been holding the sleeping child for over an hour before they had finally brought her inside. "Yeah… um, can you give me a ride to Rachel's?"

"Are you sure? I don't know if she wants to see you right now, she seemed pretty pissed."

_**I don't remember anyone asking you Puckerman. **_

_**Be nice, I so don't want to have to walk all the way to Rachel's. **_

"All of my stuff is there Puck." She let her gaze drift back over to the closed door the blocked her from Beth. "…besides, I can't keep letting things… I have to talk to her about this."

"Are you ever going to tell me what's going on here?"

_**Maybe when pigs fly out of my ass. **_

_**I don't even want to think about the lesbian jokes that would come out of his mouth.**_

She turned away from the door to grab her bag, her eyes landing on the girl that had moved to the couch. "Megan, I—"

"Whatever, don't worry about it… you'll have enough to deal with when Shelby eventually decides to talk to you about it."

_**Did you ever think you'd be having a conversation with a girl's mom about dating her daughter?**_

_**No, especially not Rachel's mother. This is so weird for so many reasons. **_

"Yeah…"

"Seriously, what the hell is going on?" She ignored him, instead heading for the door to give them a few minutes alone, walking to his car by herself. She was leaning against the car, staring at the ground when she saw someone stop to stand beside her out of the corner of her eye.

_**Well, that proves it, the universe fucking hates me.**_

_**Look at it this way, you can get the conversation out of the way with minimal physical contact with Rachel under your belt. **_

_**Why? Why would you say that? Now all I can think about is the crazy intense make out session I had with her daughter in bed the other night.**_

"So… are you heading out then?"

She lifted her gaze to meet Shelby's briefly, before returning her attention to the ground as the woman moved to lean against the car beside her. "Yeah, Beth's asleep… she fell asleep in my arms. It was…"

_**One of the most perfect moment's of my entire life. **_

"Pretty incredible, I imagine."

_**I don't know if incredible is an intense enough word for it…**_

"Yeah, it was."

"I know I haven't been there for Rachel in the past, and believe me I understand that it's going to take a lot of time and effort to even begin to make that up to her."

_**And here we are… the talk. **_

_**She is her mother, she has a right to want to protect her…. You haven't been around Beth for a year and you'd still do anything for her.**_

"But you still feel like you need to protect her, especially now that you have her in your life, now that she's willing to become a part of your family."

"Our family, Quinn. We're all a family now, granted, a rather unconventional one… but we're all in this together."

_**Fucking weird. **_

_**But it works, well, it will work. **_

"I know. I wouldn't take that away from Beth for anything."

"I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't concern me."

_**Does she not want me around Beth now?**_

_**I don't think that's what she's talking about.**_

_**Well, ask. **_

"What?"

"Your relationship with Rachel… if it doesn't work out, you realize that you'll still have to act a certain way towards each other when we're all together?"

_**See… wait. Rachel told her about us? But I thought… she freaked this morning. **_

She turned her head, finally meeting Shelby's gaze. "She told you… but I thought—"

"She did. She also mentioned that she wanted to wait until we were closer to each other before she talked to me about it herself, but then my darling little sister decided to tease her about it…"

"Wait. That was why she didn't want Megan to say anything to you about it?"

_**Your tendency towards magical flying moron status has once again reached critical mass. **_

"Quinn… Rachel and I are just starting to get to know each other, why would she be at a point where she would feel comfortable talking about something as private as relationships with me already?"

_**See… even Shelby thinks so.**_

She closed her eyes and dropped her face into her hands. "Oh my god, I'm such an idiot. She's just so… she's always been so open about everything with everyone. When she dated Finn, she practically screamed it from the rooftops."

"It's not my place to tell you why… but she's not that person anymore, Quinn. You should talk to her. She really cares about you."

_**Wait… that's it? That was the whole talk? There was no, either stop dating my daughter or I won't let you see yours. And there was no, you're not good enough for Rachel…**_

_**Huh. Would you look at that. **_

_**Ok, why did you say that so sarcastically?**_

_**Because, I keep telling you that no one is judging you the way you think they are… at least, no one that matters. **_

"You aren't against me being with her?"

Shelby turned, leaning her hip against the car to look at Quinn, waiting until the blonde dropped her hands to return the gaze. "Do you care about her as much as she cares about you?"

_**I'm so completely in love with her.**_

_**Say that.**_

_**No. **_

_**Say it.**_

_**Fine.**_

"I…I don't, I think you have that backwards. I'm, I'm in love with her. She doesn't…" She dropped her eyes to the ground again. "…I can only hope that she'll feel the same way about me some day."

Shelby leaned forward and hugged a rather surprised Quinn, who awkwardly returned the embrace. "Go talk to her." She pulled back and headed into the apartment building, smiling and shaking her head as she went.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Quinn sank down onto the edge of Rachel's bed and stared at the closed bathroom door, her bottom lip tucked between her teeth as she waited for the brunette to emerge.

_**She's going to be upset. **_

_**Thank you for that astute observation. **_

_**Bite me. **_

_**You're the one that acted like the giant hypocrite. First, you got all hurt and upset that she didn't want to announce your relationship to the world, then you actually denied it so quickly and intensely that you made it seem like you didn't actually want to be with her at all. **_

_**Do you feel that it's like your job to state the obvious?**_

_**You know what? I don't think I appreciate your tone. **_

_**Well I don't appreciate you beating me over the head with everything. **_

_**If you stopped doing stupid things, I wouldn't have to. **_

A small click caught her attention and she looked back up to find Rachel wandering out of the bathroom slightly bent over as she dried her hair with a towel.

_**Oh my god…**_

_**Does she have any idea how that bathrobe clings to her when she's still damp from a shower?**_

_**I'm fairly certain she didn't expect anyone to see her in it. **_

_**How am I supposed to have a coherent conversation when she looks like that?**_

_**Um… maybe you could, I don't know, not act like a teenage boy for five seconds and focus on the fact that you hurt her.**_

_**Wait, so only teenage boys can be distracted by her looking ridiculously hot?**_

_**Did you enjoy being ogled on stage by all those leering eyes?**_

_**No. **_

_**There you go. **_

_**Wait. No. This is different. I'm not some random stranger, we're kind of sort of almost dating. I'm supposed to look at her like that. **_

_**Do you think we could save the conversation about the ethics of leering at Rachel for another time?**_

_**Oh. Yeah. **_

Rachel flung her hair over her shoulder and jumped slightly, eyes large as she spotted Quinn staring at her from the edge of her bed. "Quinn, you startled me."

"I'm sorry, I just… I thought we should talk."

Dark eyes followed Quinn's gaze and she looked down at herself before she blushed and crossed her arms over her chest as she leaned back against her desk to look at the blonde. "So, once again you want to talk when it's convenient for you, but when I wanted to talk earlier you refused to give me the opportunity."

"Rachel—"

"Is this how this is always going to go between us? You get hurt and run, then strike out at me or decide that you don't want to do this anymore because you're scared, while I have to just sit back and let you do and say whatever you want with complete disregard for my actual feelings?"

"I'm not trying to—"

"Because, while I completely understand that so far, as long as we've known each other it's always been an emotional tug of war… but the thing is, you have to know by now how much I throw myself into relationships and while I'm trying really hard not to do that here, I don't want to end up in yet another romantic endeavor where I end up getting my heart broken." Her eyes remained fixed on the floor in front of her, her arms still folded across her chest, her entire body tense as she tried to hide the vulnerability that she exuded.

_**It didn't even occur to me that she was in danger of getting hurt here, I thought that I was the only one that—**_

_**That what? Had feelings?**_

_**No. **_

_**You wanted her to dive in, and she's telling you she has been, but that she's been trying not to for the same reasons that you're afraid to do the same. **_

_**Yeah. **_

_**So, comfort her, you ass hat. **_

She pushed herself up from the edge of the bed and closed the distance between them, silently she lifted one hand to brush wild damp hair behind Rachel's ear, before she rested her hand on one pronounced cheekbone. The brunette turned her head in response, dislodging the hand from her face, her eyes averted from the hazel gaze that looked down at her.

"Why did you panic so much when you thought Megan was talking about us? That wasn't exactly a response that suggested that you really want to do this. If someone were to actually find out… would you run?"

"Rach, think about it. I knew Santana and Brittany were in the room this morning, and that didn't stop me from kissing you."

Dark eyes lifted back up to meet her gaze, and Quinn had to fight the urge to reach out and smooth away the vulnerability that still filled her features. "Then why did you do that?"

"You did the same thing with Megan this morning."

She rolled her eyes and pushed past Quinn to sit on the edge of the bed, her arms folded even tighter across her chest. "I don't want to play games here Quinn, so do you think we can skip the blame game?"

Quinn sighed and turned to face her as she leaned back against the desk to allow her the space she so obviously wanted. "I just meant that you made such a big deal about not wanting Shelby to know, that I panicked because Megan was being so obvious. Look, obviously I was hurt this morning when you freaked and begged Megan not to say anything. But, I talked to Shelby after you left and she pointed out that maybe it wasn't that you don't want people to know about me… maybe it's that you wanted to talk to her yourself and you weren't ready yet."

"It didn't occur to you that I might have an issue with opening up to my estranged mother about the personal relationships in my life?"

She shot her a sheepish glance, aware that her cheeks were slightly red in acknowledgement of how ridiculous it had been for her to not even think of how awkward it was between Rachel and her mother. "I'm sorry Rachel. It's just… with Jesse and Finn you practically plastered it on a billboard, and I thought—"

"Look, things with both of them ended up going really, really badly… and I, I just don't want to repeat the same mistakes."

Her eyes narrowed and she took a few steps towards her, stopping just before she reached her in an attempt not to invade her space despite the overwhelming urge she had to offer her some comfort. "Did Finn do something to you?"

_**I'll kill him.**_

_**No killing. **_

_**Fine, I'll just seriously injure him.**_

She finally met the blonde's gaze, softening when she saw the level of concern there. "Are you sure you want to do this? That you're not just… that I'm not just, I don't know, an experiment, or tension relief or something."

"I was going to ask you that. I told you Rach… I want this. I just don't know if I can be what you need. I'm trying. I'm fucked up, but I'm trying."

"Don't say that."

"Why not? It's true. Look at my life, how could I possibly not be fucked up?"

She lifted an arm and took Quinn's hand, pulling her closer until she was standing between her knees at the edge of the bed. "I'm sorry for all the things that have happened to you Quinn. I wish they hadn't, but maybe we can both look towards the future instead of the past… can you just talk to me next time?"

"I'll try, it's not always easy for me." She offered a small smile as she felt Rachel lace their fingers together. "So…does this mean that we're ok again?"

Rachel offered a small grin and slid back on the bed, gesturing for Quinn to join her as she lay on her side and looked expectantly over at her. The blonde smiled back and settled onto the bed, a small warm thrill coursed through her when she felt Rachel run a finger over her cheek as she brushed some hair behind her ear. "So you talked to Shelby?"

"Yeah. That was definitely not a conversation I was looking forward to having."

"Just wait until we tell my dads."

"Oh god. Do we have to tell them? Can't we just, like send them a letter after we graduate and don't live close enough for them to kill me?"

Rachel giggled and moved a little closer to her on the bed. "Finn's still alive, so is Jesse."

"Yeah, well… they aren't me."

"I somehow find it difficult to believe that they would be as bothered by the idea of me dating you, than they were about me dating Finn. They really didn't like him, they didn't think he was good enough for me."

She let a tiny hint of a smile curve up one corner of her lip at that knowledge, before she swallowed and turned serious, her eyes focused on Rachel's throat as she quietly voiced her response. "But the stripper is?"

Rachel furrowed her brow and slid the hand that had been absently playing with the edge of Quinn's shirt to her side to rest on her hip as she studied her face. "Why do you keep doing that? We've talked about this. Did Shelby have an issue with you?"

"No." She turned her head away from the eyes she knew were trying to catch her avoidant gaze.

"I wish there was a way for me to convince you that I don't care about that."

She rolled her eyes, only partially convinced, but let her concerns about Rachel's thoughts go for the moment. "I'm not worried about you right now, I'm worried about your fathers."

"Well, stop worrying."

"Oh yeah sure, I'll just magically stop, just like that for no real reason other than because you said so and—" Her words dissipated into an unintelligible mumble as Rachel leaned forward and pressed their lips together as her hand tangled in blonde hair before she slid closer on the bed. Quinn melted into the kiss and clenched her hand in the material that covered Rachel's hip as she felt the brunette gently suck her bottom lip into her mouth and run her teeth lightly along the soft inside. She pressed her body against the smaller one that was now slightly beneath her and deepened the kiss. A small thrill spiked through her body as she heard a little moan escape Rachel's throat when her hand slid around to her back to press her against Quinn's body. Rachel pulled back and waited until hazel eyes fluttered open to focus on her.

"Still worrying?"

Quinn smirked, and a small gleam entered her eyes as one eyebrow quirked up, her voice throaty when she spoke. "Maybe… I might need some more distracting…"

Rachel shook her head and quickly shifted sideways, escaping Quinn's hands, not noticing that her robe slipped open as she straddled the very surprised blonde. "How's this?"

Quinn swallowed at the deep tone that entered Rachel's voice, her eyes still focused on the brown depths that were shifting to black as she moved her face closer to swallow Quinn's lips in a hungry kiss. Pale hands moved to hold bronzed hips in place, and she moaned into the kiss when they discovered the open robe as fingertips met bare flesh.

_**Um… so, Rachel's robe just opened. **_

_**Shut up.**_

_**You're touching her naked body you know…**_

_**And this is a problem because?**_

_**You're kidding, right?**_

_**I don't see Rachel complaining.**_

_**Quinn…**_

_**Oh for crying out loud, what the fuck is your problem? Rachel… RACHEL is on top of you, kissing you like it's her job and you're bitching about it?**_

_**Look, as much as I've fantasized about moments just like this… do you really think we're ready for this? We just started dating, and-**_

_**The other night we did more than this.**_

_**Yeah, fully clothed… totally different.**_

_**Maybe Rachel's comfortable with her body, comfortable with me.**_

_**Are you?**_

_**Am I what?**_

_**Comfortable with your body? Comfortable with the idea of her removing your clothes?**_

_**Oh. Um. Not really.**_

_**Exactly. Besides, do you really want this to go beyond a hot make out session before you've even gone on a date?**_

_**We went on a date, we went to dinner and a movie.**_

_**Yeah ok, but you weren't actually together yet.**_

_**We sort of were.**_

_**Can you hear me sighing at you?**_

_**Ok. Ok, fine. But she feels so good… and I've never felt this good when touching someone, or kissing someone before her.**_

_**Quinn! Fucking Focus!**_

_**Oh my god, she's sliding my hand up to… **_

_**Fucking pull away!**_

She jerked her hand away, unceremoniously dislodging Rachel from her perch on top of Quinn's hips as she moved to sit at the edge of her bed with her back to the rather dazed and confused girl behind her.

"Quinn, what—"

"I should go to my room. It's getting late, and we have to get up early."

"What just… did I do something wrong?" The uncertain hurt was clear in her voice, the same tone that she had used countless times when Finn insulted her in front of the entire glee club.

_**You ass. **_

_**You're the one that made me freak about this!**_

_**You didn't have to do it like that though… you hurt her.**_

She turned to look at her, her face immediately burning as she glanced down at the flesh still exposed by the open bath robe before she looked quickly to the side to focus on the blanket next to Rachel. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Rachel look down at herself and self consciously close her robe and wrap her arms around herself. "I… your robe was open and then you were moving my hand to… I, I'm going to go to my room so you can get some sleep." She stood and disappeared through the doorway, completely ignoring the sound of Rachel's voice calling her name as she left.

_**You're such an idiot. **_

_**Shut up.**_

Quinn jerked upright from her deep sleep as she felt someone touch her side, her arm flung wildly to her right and collided with something warm as she bolted into a sitting position in the bed.

"Ow! Hey. Quinn, it's ok. It's just me."

She blinked as the light beside her clicked on, her eyes finally focused on Rachel and she watched the girl lift a hand to the red spot on her cheek that had collided with Quinn's elbow. "I'm so sorry, Rach… are you ok?"

"Yeah. I'm fine."

She looked around the room, taking in the darkness behind the glass of the windows and furrowed her brow in confusion. "What's wrong?"

Her eyes dropped to her lap as she fidgeted with the edge of her bathrobe. "You were having a nightmare, I thought I should wake you up."

"I don't remember having this issue last time you came in here to stop a nightmare."

"Yeah, I… I just crawled into bed with you and held you last time, you seemed to react to that a little better."

"And this time…"

She grabbed the edges of her robe and hugged it tightly around herself. "I didn't think I should do that again."

_**You hurt her.**_

_**Thank you, are you going to tell me the sky is blue next?**_

_**No, you snarky ass, I was going to tell you to fix it. **_

"Rachel—"

"Anyway, if you're ok now, I can head back to my room. Will you be all right? Or do you think you'll have another nightmare?"

"I don't think there's really any way for me to know that, it's not like I plan them."

She rolled her eyes and fixed Quinn with a stern look. "I'm glad you find this so amusing."

"I'm sorry, I just… I can't promise anything, it's my subconscious Rach. If it bothers you that much I can just go sleep on the couch, or… or I can go home." She watched as the gaze that had drifted back towards the door snapped back to meet her own.

"Is that what you want? To go home?"

"No. I like being here." She lifted her hand and moved it to rest on Rachel's in her lap, a small sigh escaped when the girl immediately pulled away from the touch. "You can just shut your door, you know. You won't be able to hear me with it closed."

"Do you really think I would be able to sleep well thinking about whether or not you're in here having a nightmare without me knowing it? Just because I can't hear you—"

"Rach… come here." She gently placed her hands on Rachel's arms and pulled her forward and to the side until she was lying on her side in front of her on the bed. She ignored how stiff Rachel remained in her arms even as she reached over her to turn off the light before she settled back behind her and wrapped her arms around her smaller frame. "I'm sorry."

She stiffened even further and was quiet for what felt like forever to Quinn, until she finally spoke softly. "Are you apologizing for what happened before, or for something that hasn't happened yet?"

Quinn arched an eyebrow at the silky brown hair in front of her face. "I'm… wait, what?"

"That sounds a lot like it could be the preface for I'm sorry I can't do this."

_**Do you see what you did?**_

_**I was perfectly fucking fine with where things were heading, you were the one with the issue.**_

_**Oh yeah? And would you have continued to be perfectly fucking fine if she tried to take your shirt off?**_

_**No, I guess not….**_

_**That's what I thought.**_

She lifted herself up onto one elbow as she used her other arm to gently turn Rachel until she was on her back. Even as Rachel's mouth opened to protest, she slid her hand gently up to cup her cheek and effectively silenced the thought that she had been about to voice. Dark eyebrows came together in confusion as she looked up into Quinn's face, searching it in the faint light that filtered in through the hallway. She leaned slowly forward, giving Rachel time to pull away, until their lips were barely touching. Rachel stiffened, then melted into the kiss as she felt Quinn's thumb brush tenderly across her cheekbone. When she pulled back, she stared down into the face below her own. "That was about me, not you Rach.. I'm sorry, I told you I'm trying, but I won't always get it right."

Rachel swallowed and slid her hand up to gently grasp the wrist of the hand that still held her face. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No. I, I just… you're robe came open, and…" She trailed off, unsure how to explain her issue without going into detail about why she wouldn't want her own clothes taken off.

"I'm having a little trouble not feeling like you're not interested in me…physically here, Quinn. It's not exactly a compliment when the person you're supposedly dating isn't interested in seeing you without your clothes on."

"I've seen you without most of your clothes on Rachel… come on. How many times have we changed in the same locker room for gym class? How many hotel rooms have we been in for school trips?"

"I guess I didn't think you were looking."

"It didn't occur to you that those sketches on the bathroom wall were oddly accurate?"

She rolled her eyes. "Well then what's the problem? If you're attracted to me then why did you act like you suddenly realized you were kissing me and was completely horrified by it?"

"Rach… I, it was all just too much too fast. You're robe opened, you were…" She swallowed against the mental image of Rachel's exposed flesh. "…naked under it, and I, there's… I need to slow things down. I react to you, a lot, and I can't. I'm not ready for that yet."

"What exactly did you think was going to happen?"

"I don't know, but you seem really comfortable with me, which I don't really understand… but I don't know how far you would have let things go and I can't handle the idea of…" She sighed and dropped onto her back on the bed and threw an arm over her face.

"Once again, I feel the need to reiterate that this is coming across in a manner that indicates that you're not exactly pleased with the idea of…" She paused, and Quinn was tempted to take a peek at her when she continued to remain silent for several seconds before she finally finished. "…I admit that I haven't dated a girl before, but with the boys I dated… the issue was more focused around me trying to make them slow down, and I feel the need to acknowledge that I'm feeling somewhat rejected here. It's not like you haven't had sex before Quinn. Not that I'm suggested that we would have had sex today, I just—"

Quinn let a small laugh escape and Rachel went silent. "I'm sorry, I'm… you're just so adorable when you're nervous and start to rant." She dropped her arm back to her side, and bit her lip as she watched Rachel's body language shift into what she knew as pure indignation. "This isn't about… this is a whole long conversation that I know has to happen, but, it's really late, Rach and I don't want us both to be exhausted tomorrow. I promise this isn't about me not wanting you like crazy, because believe me you set my entire body on fire… I just, I can't handle things beyond a certain point right now and I need to take things a little slower so I can work on my comfort levels."

"Is this, is this about, did something happen while you were stripping?"

She sighed as she realized that Rachel wasn't going to let this go easily. "Of course stuff happened, but that's not… this isn't about stripping. It's about me not being able to handle how you might react if I, if you see. I just can't get to a point where my clothes come off Rachel. Ok?"

_**Why is she being so silent?**_

_**And why does she look so confused right now?**_

_**I swear, if she says 'but you were a stripper'…**_

_**You know that's what she's going to say.**_

_**Give her a minute to respond… god, calm down.**_

"But… you, were a stripper."

_**I fucking knew it. Seriously. What the hell is with this attitude?**_

_**Calm down Quinn, you were already on edge by talking about this… don't freak for no reason.**_

_**No. That's bull. I know what that fucking means. **_

_**Quinn…**_

_**No, really… I was a stripper so, I'm easy? Fuck that. I'm so sick of that.**_

_**DO NOT say that to her. Be nice. **_

"Do you think I'm not aware of that?"

"Of course not, it's just that, you took your clothes off all the time for strangers."

_**So I should take them off for you… what the fuck Rachel?**_

"And that means I'm what, obligated to take them off for you? Are you going to pay me for it? Maybe leave some cash on the night stand in the morning?"

_**You just said that out loud. **_

_**Fuck.**_

"I didn't mean it like that."

Quinn sighed and closed her eyes as she ran a hand across them to squeeze the bridge of her nose. "I… how did you mean it?"

_**Um… that wasn't fixing it.**_

_**Shut up and let me calm down.**_

"I just meant… We've known each other for a long time Quinn, and while we may not have been friends the entire time, I'd like to believe that we've reached a point where you know you can trust me. I don't understand why you could be naked in front of people you don't know, but you would have an issue with me seeing you."

_**See? Calm down.**_

_**I don't know if I can right now. It's getting to the point where I'm going to have to talk about my issue here and I really don't fucking want to. **_

_**You have to eventually.**_

_**Not right this second, I don't.**_

_**Because it would be easier some other time?**_

_**Fuck off. I'm aloud to want some things to be on my fucking terms.**_

"Being mostly drunk on a stage isn't exactly the same as being in an intimate situation with someone that I… look there are things about my body that, I couldn't take it if you…" She sighed as her frustration won out, and she pushed herself away from Rachel until she was sitting pressed against the headboard. "…why are you fucking pushing me on this?"

_**You're getting angry and defensive. You're slipping right back into 'old Quinn'.**_

_**Shut up.**_

"I'm just trying to understand."

"Understand what exactly? Why I'm not easy? Because I made a stupid mistake with Puck, or just because I was a stripper? Is that all you want from me Rachel, I mean you seem awfully eager for a virgin, are you just using the supposed sure thing to get it over with?"

_**I hate you so much right now. **_

_**Yeah, me too. **_

_**Your defense mechanisms are such a fucking crutch. **_

_**I love her, I can't be used by her. **_

_**Oh don't even try to use that excuse. This was deflection, so you wouldn't have to talk about what he did to you, and you need to get over yourself and talk to her. **_

She was quiet for a long time, her head down, her eyes focused on her own hands as she fidgeted with the blanket. "I… I can't believe you just said that to me. Is that really what you think? Because it sounds to me like the Quinn Fabray that I used to know just spoke for you, the one that was afraid and hiding behind a wall of anger and blame. Is that the Quinn I'm talking to right now? I'm fairly certain that I don't particularly want to talk to her at this juncture in our relationship, so until my Quinn comes back, you'll have to excuse me." She pushed herself up from the bed and quickly exited the room.

_**I can't believe you just did that.**_

_**I know.**_

_**Did you hear her voice waver as she said that?**_

_**Of course I did.**_

_**Well?**_

_**Well, what?**_

_**Are you going to lay here in the dark and just let her go back to her room hurt?**_

_**If she wanted to be around me right now, she wouldn't have left.**_

_**She doesn't want to be around the scared bitchy you that used to terrify the halls of Mckinley. But if you follow her in there and comfort her and show her that you're not that person anymore, you might have a chance of salvaging this fledgling relationship. **_

_**What if she won't let me comfort her?**_

_**Only one way to find out. If you leave this the way it is, you might not have her tomorrow.**_

Quinn felt her entire body tense as she approached Rachel's doorway and spotted her curled on her side with her back to the door, her body wrapped around a pillow. She knocked softly on the frame of the open door and bit her bottom lip as she watched the shoulders on the bed tense at the sound. "Can I come in?"

"That depends. Is my Quinn back?"

"I never went anywhere Rachel, I'm just having a really hard time with this."

"If it's that difficult to be with me, then why are you doing it?"

_**Damn it.**_

_**Fix this.**_

_**I know.**_

She silently moved into the room, her eyes focused on the stiff back that still faced her from the bed. A small wave of guilt coursed through her when she placed a hand on Rachel's shoulder and felt the muscles tighten even further. "That's not what I meant, Rach. This isn't about us. This is about me trying to come to terms with everything that I've been through. It's about me trying to talk to you about it, trying to convince myself that everything won't change when you find out all of the details of everything that happened. That you won't see me the way I see myself when you catch a glimpse of..." She trailed off and closed her eyes as she settled onto the bed, before she opened her eyes to stare at her own feet. "You can't even imagine what I see when I look at myself, Rachel... I, if I let you in as much as you want me to and you end up seeing the same thing I do..."

She kept her eyes focused on her own feet even as she felt Rachel move beside her. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of dark eyes watching her, studying her.

Rachel slid back to sit against the head board of the bed, her arms wrapped tightly around her own folded legs. "You don't get to do this anymore."

Quinn's eyes lifted to meet the steady gaze that was still focused on her, a small twinge of fear edged up her spine at the words. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, you can't go back and forth like this. You don't get to do this anymore. You're either with me, or you're not. You can't be sweet and vulnerable one second and then revert to the bitchy head cheerleader persona you adopted to rule McKinley the next. I won't do that to myself anymore."

"Rachel-"

"No. I was with Finn for a really long time, and I constantly let him put me down and make me feel bad about myself. I hated who I was becoming as a result, and I refuse to fall into that trap again. You're either the Quinn I want to be with, or we can't do this. I won't let myself be treated like that. You don't get to talk to me like that anymore."

_**I told you.**_

_**Don't start.**_

_**Why not? You seriously need to knock that shit off.**_

_**Do you think I don't know that?**_

_**Well you keep doing it...**_

"I don't want to be that Quinn again, especially not with you, you know that. I'm sorry, I panicked."

"Panicked about what?"

"About everything, Rachel. I just, if I lose you because you see what I do..."

"So it's better to lose me by pushing me away?"

_**Yes.**_

_**No! Don't you dare do that.**_

_**It will hurt less if I do it.**_

_**No, it won't. It will hurt just as much, so knock it off.**_

"No, I... I'll try harder. I'm trying to get past this."

"What do you think I'm going to do, Quinn? We've known each other for years, and I've never given you a reason to think that you can't trust me."

Before she even realized it was coming out of her throat, she snorted quietly, a small scoffing sound that caused Rachel to narrow her eyes and pull even further away from her. "You're kidding right? So, we can acknowledge the things I did to you, but we're just pretending the things you did to me never happened?"

"I don't think they're comparable."

"Are you serious right now? You got my boyfriend to cheat on me with you while I was pregnant."

"With someone else's baby."

"Which you also announced."

"The truth needed to come out and you even said you weren't mad at me, that I just did what you weren't brave enough to do."

"Don't quote me at me and don't you dare try to pretend that you did any of that for any other reason than to steal Finn from me."

"Wait, are you honestly telling me that I can forgive you for torturing me for years, but you can't forgive me for announcing your crazy lie to the world?"

_**Um... this took a really wrong turn like a half a mile back.**_

_**No kidding.**_

_**This is going to end really badly if you aren't the one to stop it right now.**_

_**So... you think I should just drop it and pretend that this never happened?**_

_**Do you want to be with Rachel, or do you want to hold onto old pointless crap and win this argument?**_

_**I hate it when you're right.**_

She turned sideways on the bed and tucked a leg underneath herself, her eyes focused on the angry dark gaze that was boring into her. "Ok, we need to stop this. Do you really wan to do this? Does any of this really matter anymore?"

"You were the one who-"

"I know. I'm sorry. I was just, it's not important. What's important is that I'm going to try harder. I just need some time for some things and I need a few boundaries until I'm ready to share that part of what I've been through."

"So I'm supposed to patiently wait until you're ready, allowing you to use me as your punching bag until then?"

"No, Rachel, I said I was sorry. I can't really do anything else. I'll try to make it up to you and I'll work every day to not do that again. Believe me, if I could take it back, I would." She slid forward and lifted a hand to brush against one dark cheek, only to sigh and drop her arm when Rachel stiffened and moved her head out of reach. "I don't want to hurt you again, I'm not, this isn't like it was before I didn't... you can't expect me to react perfectly all the time, Rach, I'm going to mess up once and a while. But, I'm really trying here this isn't easy but I want this and I'm doing the best I can."

Rachel sighed and tightened her arms around her legs, silent as she studied the bed in between them, her body still stiff. Quinn pulled her bottom lip in between her teeth and waited, until she finally turned and stood from the edge of the bed. "I'm going to head back into my room, it's late and you obviously need some time to think about all of this." She had just disappeared through the doorway when she heard another sigh and Rachel's soft, still annoyed voice from the bed.

"No, don't... I already had to come into your room once tonight, you should just stay in here."

She leaned back to peer through the doorway to look at the brown eyes that were finally looking at her from her place on the bed. "I don't think that's a good idea, especially if you aren't sure about us anymore."

"I'm not breaking up with you, Quinn, I'm just upset. Come lay down, I won't get any sleep if I know you're in there having nightmares."

She quietly closed the door behind her, eyes focused on the empty space beside Rachel on the bed as she silently made her way towards the spot she was watching intently. Brown eyes followed her across the room until she settled awkwardly on the bed on her back to stare at the ceiling, pale arms resting on her stomach as she remained lying stiffly staring at the ceiling. Another small sigh escaped Rachel's throat before she switched off the light and slid underneath her blankets to settle down on her side facing Quinn's motionless body.

_**You ruined it, you know.**_

_**Yeah, I know.**_

_**Do something.**_

_**Like what?**_

_**Show her that you don't want this to end like this.**_

_**How?**_

_**I don't know.**_

_**So I'm just supposed to pull something out of my ass, just like-**_

Her breath caught slightly in her throat as she felt Rachel move closer to her on the bed and one tan arm stretched out to rest on top of her own hand, entangling their fingers as she snuggled up to her side and rested her cheek against one pale shoulder. "Good night."

_**I love you Rachel.**_

_**Say that.**_

_**No.**_

_**You've already told her that you're in love with her.**_

_**Yeah, but it's different. We're kind of together now.**_

_**Kind of?**_

_**Ok, we're dating now, or whatever.**_

_**So now that you actually have her, telling her you love her would be weird?**_

_**Yes.**_

_**You are so strange.**_

"Good night, Rach." She rolled over and snuggled stiffly back against the smaller body behind her, her breathing slightly shallow as she attempted to relax into the offered embrace despite the thick tension that still swirled around them.

Quinn frowned at the empty theater seat in front of her as she listened to Rachel's voice cresting for the millionth time since she had taken her seat unnoticed in the auditorium. She had lost track of how many times the girl had begun singing the song, only to stop and lean forward to make notes on the sheet music that sat on the piano in front of her. Quinn had been steadily chewing her bottom lip for the last several minutes as she listened to the girl struggling underneath the stress of the situation. She had watched earlier from the back ground, blended neatly into the flow of students in the hallway, as Rachel had pushed her own stress down deep inside and offered a friendly response and a hug to Mercedes only to be rebuffed by the larger girl. Every muscle in her body had tensed when she saw the hurt cross dark features and she had been on her way to comfort her when a wall of slush was splashed across her face. By the time her vision had cleared, Rachel had disappeared from the hallway and Quinn was forced to head off to change her clothes rather than going in search of the girl she had wanted to pull into her arms.

She glanced down at her cell phone and sighed softly as she took in the time that glowed brightly up at her, the knot of worry clenched even tighter in her stomach at the realization that she had been watching Rachel drive herself crazy for over two hours. Her presence was still unnoticed, even as she made her way up to the stage, her foot steps silent and steady as she carefully approached the girl that was completely lost in the notes she was scribbling on the paper in front of her. She fought the urge to slide her arms around the small waist that beckoned to her. Instead she leaned against the piano and brushed one pale hand across Rachel's back.

Rachel jumped and dropped the pencil she had been using as her head shot to the side to face Quinn, the only sound the small thud of the pencil as it hit the floor. "You startled me."

"I noticed, sorry."

"What are you doing here?"

"I've been watching you torture yourself for like two hours." She dropped her eyes to the bag that hung from her shoulder. "I took a few notes for you, to add a different perspective. I thought it could help you."

"You were taking notes on my singing?"

"Well, yeah. I do listen when you speak you know. I know that this play is important to you, so I thought I would help you."

"How did you even know where I was? I haven't seen you since this morning."

She dropped her eyes to her own hands. "I'm sorry about that, Rach. It was a long day of washing slush out of my hair. I'm surprised I'm not permanently stained blue."

_**Things are tense and weird.**_

_**I told you to fix things this morning when you woke up, you wanted to take a shower and give her space. You should have found her today and fixed this.**_

_**Do you think that it really helps to state what I should have done, instead of what I can do now?**_

Dark eyes dropped down to her sheet music and she glanced around in search of the wayward pencil. "So how did you know where to find me?"

"I saw you and Mercedes in the hallway earlier... I found her and talked to her after I cleaned my hair."

"Oh. So, you went to find Mercedes."

She sighed and took a step forward, only to stop when Rachel moved away in search of the pencil. "Rach, I wanted to come after_ you_, you looked so hurt when she…I wanted to comfort you but by the time I cleared the slush out of my eyes you were gone. I just ran into her first."

Rachel's entire body disappeared behind the piano for a few seconds as she located the pencil, and when she re-appeared, she kept her eyes down on the music sheets that sat abandoned on the wooden surface. "Are you ok?"

Quinn rolled her eyes and reached out with one pale hand to pull Rachel to her. "Come here."

She wrapped her arms around Quinn's waist and buried her face in her shoulder. "I don't understand why she's so upset with me, I thought we were friends. She and Kurt came over to my house for movie nights and I thought we were close and now she seems so resentful of me."

"I know sweetie, I wouldn't take it personally."

"How can I not? She's been going on and on about it being the 'Rachel Berry' show, acting as though I don't work hard every day to be the best I can at this and now... she knows how important this is to me. Without the lead, I won't get into the program I want."

She pulled back enough to look down into sad brown eyes. "You _are _going to get the lead, and you _are_ going to get into whatever program you want because you're amazing. I've told you before Rach, you're bigger than this town, you were born to be a star."

"If I'm better than her than why didn't they give me the part?"

"It's not about you, it's politics. Think about it, who's doing the casting? It's Ms. Pillsbury, Artie, and your mom. Your mom probably doesn't even get a say in this particular role, just to be PC. So that leaves Ms. Pillsbury and Artie, and what does Ms. Pillsbury know about music? Don't worry, you've got this."

"What if I don't?"

"You do. Now, come on, we'll go to Breadstix and get some dinner and then I'll help you rehearse when we get home."

Quinn had expected the brief moment they had shared in the auditorium to ease the tension between them, but as they sat across from each other in the restaurant Rachel's eyes were focusing anywhere they could besides the hazel ones that watched her steadily from across the table.

_**Do you see what happens when you get scared and shut down? When you refuse to talk to her about things? When you let your walls go up and bitch Quinn comes out?**_

_**I get it, shut up.**_

_**No, you need to fix this.**_

_**I don't know how.**_

_**Yes, you do.**_

_**What if I'm not ready?**_

_**I think it's a little late for that, you should have thought of that before you yelled at her last night.**_

Quinn sighed heavily and glanced around the restaurant, before she leaned forward and lowered her voice when she decided they were secluded enough in the mostly empty room for their conversation to remain private. She clenched her eyes shut as she spoke quietly and quickly. "When I look at myself in the mirror, all I can see is the blood and the gashes from that night, the bruises... his hands all over me, my ripped clothing, and... I can't, I can't stand the idea of you looking at me and seeing how he's ruined me."

She kept her eyes focused on the table in front of her until she couldn't stand the silence any longer and finally lifted her gaze to meet Rachel's eyes. She swallowed convulsively at the depth of emotion she saw swirling back at her, at the sheen of tears that sparkled under the lights of the restaurant. "Quinn, you're not..."

"Quinn, however did you convince Rachel to take a break to eat?"

She turned her attention to the boy that was standing beside the table. "Hello, Kurt. It wasn't difficult."

He arched an eyebrow. "You do realize that if she doesn't get the lead, her chances of getting into her program of choice are quite limited?"

Her eyes shifted to Rachel, who was silently recovering even as she sank further down into the booth, her shoulders slumping slightly as she took in his words. "Well, unlike you, I have the utmost faith in her ability to kick Mercedes' ass."

"And if faith were an actual-"

"I need to eat, Kurt. Once we're finished eating, I'll go home and rehearse some more."

"Well, since you took a break, I insist that you let me come with you and help."

"That's really not necessary. I am perfectly capable of-"

"I insist. I will not risk having to go to New York without you. Who would I come home to at night to complain about my day and-"

_**Do they have a plan to live together in New York?**_

_**Why didn't she tell me that?**_

_**Why would she? You've been together for like a second…**_

_**Oh, right, yeah. **_

_**Well, if you stay together and all of us end up in New York then we'll deal with it then.**_

_**Yeah, right…**_

"I think we get it Kurt, do you think you could let us finish eating first, or are you going to continue listing the oh so selfless reasons behind your motivation?"

He shot her a dirty look as he slid into the booth beside Rachel. She smiled and bit her lip as she felt Rachel's leg brush against her own underneath the table as dark eyes caught hers and she smiled warmly at Quinn while she offered the only touch she could while in the busy restaurant. She swallowed the small lump that formed in her throat as relief washed over her in response to the loving gesture after the day of tension between them.

_**I didn't completely ruin it.**_

_**No, I guess not.**_

_**She's amazing.**_

_**Yes, she is.**_

_**Stop just agreeing with everything I say. I said it already, I don't need you to agree with it.**_

_**Don't snark at me just because you're frustrated with Kurt.**_

_**Bite me, tonight should have been just me and Rachel, me supporting her while she rehearsed and then cuddling after a night of us getting back to normal.**_

_**Yeah well, you sort of almost fixed it, so just be happy for that... and you know what, she's not looking at you any different, so maybe next time you can tell her even more without randomly freaking out.**_

_**I don't randomly freak out.**_

_**You so do.**_

_**You're obnoxious.**_

_**No, I'm a realist.**_

_**Yeah well, be real in a quiet way.**_


	10. Chapter 10

Hi all : ) I'm so sorry for the incredibly long wait in between chapters. I had brain surgery and it was a long time before I could even focus enough to try to write and I still have a lot of bad days, so just know that I haven't given up on this story, and I do intend to finish it. I will update as often as I can, so just bear with me and hopefully you all like the direction I've decided to go with this. Thank you so much for sticking with this if you're still reading : ) Oh, and I apologize ahead of time for any errors I may have missed, this is unbeta'd and I wanted to get it up for those of you still reading.

Chapter 10

Quinn reached out through the doorway of the empty classroom and snagged Rachel's arm as she stormed by, a small surprised noise escaped her throat as she found herself pinned against the wall while hazel eyes looked intently into her own. The look of startled annoyance dissipated as she stared back into the familiar gaze.

"I've been looking for you since your call back, where are you going in such a hurry?"

Dark eyes dropped to Quinn's shoulder, suddenly avoidant as she tensed and seemed to try to sink back further into the wall before she took in a small breath and responded. "To talk to Coach Beiste."

"About what?"

"I wasn't as good as Mercedes today, and-"

"Rachel, that's crazy. Of course you were."

"No, I wasn't. Something was off. I just, I was off."

"Rachel, you could sing the phone book and sound amazing, come on... you were great, you're always great."

"She wanted it more."

"That's impossible, have you met you?"

She finally met Quinn's steady gaze once again. "I can't risk not getting into school just because she won the lead... I need something else on my transcripts."

Hazel eyes narrowed and she lifted a hand to rest beside Rachel's head on the wall. "What exactly where you going to add that you think will help?"

"I was going to tell Coach Bieste that I want to run for student council president."

She sighed and took a step back to lean against the desk behind her, her arms folded across her chest as she looked at Rachel. "You can't be serious."

"This is my future, Quinn. I can't become nothing. I can't end up stuck in Lima just because I bombed spectacularly against-"

"Do you have any idea what this will do to your friendship with Kurt?"

"He'll understand."

"No. He won't. Rachel, you have a million extra curricular activities. You're the president of like every club that ever existed, he has this. That's it. You can't do that to him, you'll ruin his chances at school."

"What about my chances?"

"You're just being paranoid. You have plenty, and your voice will speak for itself when you audition. You're being selfish."

She narrowed her eyes at Quinn and anger visibly entered her features as she took a step away from the wall towards her. "Excuse me?"

"You don't even know if you got the part or not, and you're already running off to take something away from Kurt, something that is really his only chance at a needed extra curricular. If you're a good friend, you won't do that."

"So, his future is more important than mine?"

"Yeah, because that's exactly what I'm saying here."

"Well, you certainly seem to care more about him than me right now."

"You know what, I pulled you in here to tell you that I snuck into your audition and that you were amazing today. I really don't need this attitude from you for caring that you're going to fuck up your relationship with one of your supposed best friends just because you're having some sort of manic Rachel panic attack about not giving some perfect performance. Do what you want, but he's not going to understand, and you're going to end up hurting him, and maybe even losing a friend over this."

"You know what, I will do what I want, and I don't need your permission."

"Whatever, Rachel."

"Dating me doesn't give you the right to tell me what to do."

"I think you're confusing me with Finn."

"Am I? Or are you just as controlling as he was?"

She glared over at the girl that still stood petulantly in front of her, her eyes narrowed and she angrily scooped up her bag before she headed for the door. She paused in the doorway and turned her head just enough to be certain that Rachel would hear her parting words. "It's always amazed me how one second you can be so confident that it's bordering on being conceited, and the next you can be one of the most insecure people I've ever met. Maybe it's time to grow out of that Rachel, before you push everyone away in your climb to the top. Will it really be worth it if you're up there alone?"

_**Why are you walking away?**_

_**Are you serious? Do you really want to stay here and keep fighting?**_

_**No, I want you to go back in there and resolve the argument.**_

_**No. She started this fight, for once let her come to me and fix it.**_

_**What if she doesn't?**_

_**She will. She'll realize I was trying to help her, to support her and she'll find me and we'll make up then.**_

_**You better be right.**_

_**It's Rachel.**_

_**Yeah, Rachel… who can be incredibly stubborn…**_

_**I'm not going back in there, let her think about things. **_

_**You know, the two of us together might be the recipe for like, world war three considering how stubborn you can both be. **_

_**Yeah well, at least I'll die happy.**_

Quinn's confidence in Rachel's ability to come to reason began to fade as the day progressed in icy silence and the girl's refusal to look in Quinn's direction. When Rachel was nowhere to be found for lunch, she began to worry that the girl might actually go through with her plan to run for student council president, and stay angry with her longer than she had anticipated until she passed by the music room on her way to class. Dark eyes caught her own as she walked by the doorway, and Quinn immediately knew that whatever Rachel had been doing during lunch, it had made her come to the realization that Quinn had been right. She held her gaze for a few seconds before she continued on to her class, not quite willing to rush this conversation in the thirty seconds they had before the bell rang. When class ended Quinn headed straight for her locker, after having spent the entire time refusing to get caught in the small meaningful glances she had seen Rachel directing at her from the corner of her eye.

_**What are you doing?**_

_**Letting it sink in that I won't just roll over and forgive her because she wants me to. **_

_**And, why are you doing that exactly?**_

_**Because, we both have to change things, we both have to stop interacting with each other the way we used to. I may have to make sure I don't fall back into how I used to be around her, but so does she. **_

_**Are you punishing her?**_

_**No, I'm making a point. **_

_**Quinn…**_

_**It's important that I do this now, so I don't have to do it later. **_

_**Quinn…**_

_**We have to do this right, so neither of us get-**_

_**Quinn!**_

_**What?!**_

_**I appreciate getting lost in thought but… you're alone in the hallway now and there's a group of hockey players leaning against your locker.**_

_**Fuck. How did I not notice the hallway emptying?**_

She slowed her pace as she contemplated the idea of turning back the way she had come until one of the boys looked down the hallway and spotted her before he elbowed one of the other players in the ribs and jerked his head in her direction. She straightened her shoulders and dropped her mask of indifference even as she tightened her hand around her strap of her bag and continued to walk towards them. Her gaze remained fixed on the door she could just see at the end of the hall, the boys movement in the corner of her eye as she attempted to look as though she would completely ignore them as she made her way to her class. One of the boys took a step towards her while the others flanked her to block her progress.

"Hey Fabray, my lap dance got interrupted the other day, I think that means you owe me considering you walked off with some of my cash in your bra." One of the other boys laughed and she fixed the boy who had spoken with a steady gaze. She felt a rush of adrenaline course through her as his hand lifted to catch her by the arm and he pulled her towards him, a sneer on his face as he did so. The image of a drunken man pawing at her in an alleyway sprang to the forefront of her mind and her body reacted automatically. One leg jerked up and her knee collided with his crotch even as her hands shoved him roughly backwards while she bolted to his side with the intention of escaping around the boy while he grabbed his injury and dropped back onto the floor. Before she could get past him she felt hands grab her arms, and she stopped when she realized that she couldn't possibly fight her way free from two separate people without hurting herself.

_**I really should take some self defense classes or something…**_

_**That's not a bad idea actually. **_

"What the fuck bitch? You think you can get away with that?"

"You can't just grab me and expect me not to defend myself." She jerked her arms in an attempt to break free as she pushed her elbow towards the thumb that held her, and stomped her foot down as hard as she could on the inside of he boys' foot when he tightened his other hand around his arm. Her head swung around to the other boy that had her left arm as her right arm swung free while hands moved to the injured foot.

"You're a whore, you'll do whatever we want."

"I am _not _a whore." She spat the words defiantly at the boy even as he moved his free hand towards the arm she had just regained control of.

"Whatever, stripper, whore… same thing." He pulled her against his body in an attempt to hold her still, and grunted when her elbow collided with his ribs. She spun quickly out of his arms in order to run down the hall, surprised to find the boy she had kneed in the crotch glaring at her, his hand already mid swing.

Pain exploded in her cheek and behind her eye in a bright starburst of reds and browns as the back of his hand crashed against her face harder than she had anticipated as her momentum added to his own. Her closed eyes immediately began to water against the impact and she tightened them even further in anticipation of another blow as she heard him venomously hiss his rage over having been kneed. She knew that tone of voice, she had heard it come from her father's mouth more times than she could remember, and she knew that it meant a level of anger that would bring down a wrath she wouldn't escape easily.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Get away from her right this second!" She kept her eyes closed even as the familiar female voice rang out through the hallway and the hand that roughly gripped her arm released her. Heels clicked loudly and quickly towards her until a warm hand rested on her shoulder as the boys began to mutter excuses all at once.

"Ms, Corch—"

"Whatever you're about to say, save it, I don't want to hear it. There's nothing you could possibly say to save yourselves right now. Shut your mouths and get to Mr. Figgins' office."

"But Ms.—"

"NOW!"

Quinn cracked her eyes open as she lifted her hand to her cheek in time to see a look of pure fury on the woman's face as she glared at the boys' even as they began to walk in the direction of the principals office. She opened her mouth to flex her jaw while her fingers gently explored the hot stinging flesh of her face. When dark eyes turned to her with a soft look of concern in them, it suddenly struck her just how much Rachel and Shelby looked alike and she almost laughed at the idea that she would notice that in this moment.

"Quinn are you all right?" She gently held Quinn's chin between her fingers as she turned her head to inspect the red mark that marred her skin. "God, that's going to be one nasty black eye, let's get you to the nurse."

_**I need to get out of here. **_

_**Calm down.**_

_**No. You calm down. The walls are closing in, I need to be away from here. **_

"I… I really just…"

"What? What's wrong?"

_**Breathe, pretend to be ok or she'll never let you go.**_

"Thank you for helping me, but I really just need a minute."

"Ok. We can—"

"To myself. I'm sorry, I just, I promise I'll go to the nurse but I really…" She trailed off as she looked imploringly up at the woman that was eyeing her.

"I really would feel better if I dropped you off at the nurses' office before I went to Mr. Figgins."

"I'm just going to go to the bathroom and take a minute to myself Shel… Ms. Corc—"

_**Please, please just let me go… I need to not be around someone that's going to look at me and ask me questions or talk to me… I need to be alone.**_

"Quinn…" She stopped and glanced at the bathroom door across from them, then back to Quinn's face, then down the hallway. "All right, but I will be stopping by the nurses' office to make sure that you went."

She nodded and offered a half hearted smile before she turned away and quickly disappeared behind the bathroom door. Even as the door softly thumped shut behind her she could feel the hot tears she had been fighting since her level of adrenaline had peaked and her muscles had begun to shake beneath Shelby's comforting hand on her shoulder. Her hands came up to cover her face as she backed up until she felt the cool tiles of the wall behind her and slid down the wall to the floor, her face and hands dropped to her knees as she settled down. Something in the back of her mind registered that the sound of Shelby's heals clicking on the floor went in the wrong direction before they briefly disappeared and then sounded past the bathroom once more. She didn't really bother to think anything of it until she heard the door open and pulled her knees further against her chest until she felt soft hands on her legs. Her entire body stiffened and she moved to drop her hands when a familiar voice softly sounded beside her.

_**Breathe Quinn, you're not in that house, you're at school, and you're safe. **_

_**I'm not safe. The walls are closing in and he's—**_

_**He's not here, that was not him. He can't get you now. **_

_**Is my back stinging?**_

_**No.**_

_**It is, I can feel it, I can feel the gashes.**_

_**It's in your head Quinn, you're fine.**_

_**I'm NOT fine. I can feel it, I can feel the blood…**_

_**Breathe, there's no blood. You're ok.**_

_**No... I-**_

"Quinn, are you ok? What happened? Shelby pulled me out of class and told me you needed me."

She shook her head against her own hands and swallowed thickly, a small noise escaped in response and Rachel immediately shifted to the side so that she could pull the silent girl into her arms. Quinn dropped her hands when she felt a soft cheek against her head and turned to bury her face in Rachel's shoulder as she accepted the offered embrace.

_**See… Rachel's here. She won't let him near you. You're safe. **_

_**Rachel…**_

_**Yes, Rachel's here and she's holding you and he can't get to you here. **_

_**I… thank you Rachel.**_

She wasn't sure how long they remained in the embrace, but she immediately regretted her inability to speak when she pulled back and saw Rachel's eyes go wide as they settled on the red swollen eye that she had obviously not been warned about by Shelby. Her breath caught in her throat as she watched brown eyes narrow as a level of anger she hadn't seen on Rachel's face before settled into her features.

"What happened?"

"I'm fine Rach."

"You're not fine, your face is swollen. Tell me what happened."

She winced at the anger in Rachel's voice and the girl noticed and immediately her features softened as she reached out to tenderly brush wayward blonde hair behind Quinn's ear.

"I'm sorry, please tell me what happened?"

A small sigh escaped as she looked up at the concerned brown eyes, her body tensed as she realized she would ultimately have to tell her anyway and she dropped her gaze to the floor in front of her and closed her eyes. "The hockey players from the other day cornered me in the hallway and tried to… I tried to defend myself and the one that I kneed in the crotch felt that this was justice for my actions."

"What?"

When she turned her head at the strange tone in Rachel's voice, she was genuinely surprised to see the expression that clouded the normally gentle face that glared furiously down at the floor. Then she turned to look at her once again and she was Quinn's Rachel once more as she leaned forward to examine the damaged flesh around the eye that was rapidly closing as it swelled. "I'm so sorry Quinn, I should have been there."

"It's not your fault Rachel. I'm relieved that you weren't there."

"Why?"

"Because, I couldn't handle the idea of you getting hurt because of me."

"Quinn, I'm not—"

"Promise me, promise me that you won't put yourself in a position to get hurt just to protect me from… anyone, anywhere, I can't…" She trailed off, unwilling to voice exactly what, or who, she was so afraid of Rachel coming face to face with in order to protect her in some imagined future that terrorized her dreams.

Rachel opened her mouth and then closed it as she searched Quinn's eyes and found an unusual amount of unexplained terror in her eyes. She sighed and leaned forward to place a soothing kiss on her forehead. "I—"

"Please Rach, I already feel bad enough that you're involved in any of this at all as it is."

"I told you that I would be here for you, that all of us would, why are you even worrying about me?"

"You don't understand, he… things can get out of hand sometimes and I need to know that you won't do something that—"

"Quinn, I'll be fine, I can handle myself. Nothing is going to happen to me, ok? You need to stop looking at the idea of me being protective of you as a bad thing, it just means that I care about you."

"You shouldn't be dealing with any of this, I don't know if I can—"

"Don't you dare even think about finishing that sentence."

Her eyes widened and she closed her mouth, surprised by the fierceness in Rachel's voice.

"I know what you're going to say, and I'm not going to let you run away, not now that I know how things can be between us if we just get through a few rough patches."

"Rachel—"

"No, we've been over this. No more running. You already promise you would stop that and one stupid fight and some idiotic boys aren't going to change my mind." She paused and slid sideways until she was directly in front of Quinn, one hand hovered over her knee for a moment and then she dropped it to her lap as briefly forgotten tension dropped thickly down on them as if speaking about their fight made them both realize that they had actually had a fight that morning.

_**She knows you so well.**_

_**Yeah, she really does.**_

_**Are you done freaking out?**_

_**For now.**_

_**Good, because she look so adorable when she's determined. **_

"So, we seem to still have the fighting part of our relationship down." Quinn dropped her smile as she watched Rachel's eyes glance up at her and immediately back down to her lap, her eyes displaying sadness.

"Do you think that means something? That it says something about where this will—"

"Rach, stop. The only thing it says is that we have really strong personalities and a history to get over."

Her dark gaze lifted up to search her face, and a small smile curved up one side of mouth before she rolled her eyes and looked down at her own hand as it fidgeted with the cloth of Quinn's skirt against her knee. "Ok, since you're being so sweet and understanding, I suppose I should admit that I may have been a little too defensive this morning."

Quinn arched one expressive eyebrow, then winced and quirked a quick grin to reassure Rachel when she saw her lift a hand in worry towards a swelling cheek. "Is _the_ Rachel Berry actually admitting that she had an attack of the Rachel's and over-reacted to something?"

She rolled her eyes even more dramatically than she already had in response and offered a bashful grin beneath blushing cheeks. "I may have panicked and come to a few decisions that I should not have…"

"And…"

"Fine, and I may have taken it out on you when you were being supportive and… well, quite sweet."

She ignored the pain in her face and smiled as she ran one hand gently across Rachel's cheek. "Did you talk to the Coach about running against Kurt?"

"No, you were right, I can't do that to him." She dropped her gaze to Quinn's lap until a gentle finger tucked under her chin until their eyes met.

"You're incredibly talented Rach, and you were amazing in that audition. They _are_ going to pick you for the lead and you _are _going to get into whatever school you want. You were made for great things, you just have to start believing it."

As afternoon waned into evening and the blue echoes of daylight speared oddly proportioned rectangles across the empty rooms of the house, Quinn quietly placed her fork beside her full plate and reached across the table to take Rachel's hand. She had managed to ignore the small sad glances that she had caught every time she felt brown eyes on her face as Rachel fought to keep the afternoon and evening light and fun for Quinn's benefit. Now as they sat silently at the table while Rachel fidgeted in between opening and closing her mouth while she obviously struggled not to bring up what was bothering her.

"I'm ok, Rachel. It's just a bruise. I've had worse." The last part of her sentence was barely a whisper, and out of the corner of her eye she saw Rachel wince in response to the statement as the concern expanded from her eyes to shift her entire face.

"You can't possibly expect me to be cavalier about you having half of your face bruised almost beyond recognition."

"Do I really look that bad?" She lifted up a spoon and glanced at her distorted reflection in the back of it before she sighed and twitched an eyebrow briefly. "Well, maybe it will keep them from trying to get lap dances for a couple of days."

Rachel scowled and dropped her eyes to her plate and Quinn regretted the comment as she watched the muscles in Rachel's arm tense as her hand tightened around her fork.

_**Why would you say that?**_

_**Why would you let me say that?**_

_**Oh, so now you want to listen to me all of a sudden?**_

_**Shut up.**_

"That's not what I meant, you're always beautiful Quinn. I just meant that-" Her voice was low and Quinn immediately interrupted her as guilt swelled up over having further upset her.

"I know, Rach. I'm ok though."

"Do you have any idea how much it upsets me that you can have a bruise that bad and still maintain the attitude that you have, in fact, experienced worse?" Quinn leaned across the table and gently removed the fork that was still in the girls' death grip to lace their fingers together.

"Rach, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I'm going to make it through all of this, ok? You heard what Shelby said this afternoon when she stopped by glee… She's like the older scarier version of you, with the two of you protecting me I've got nothing to worry about."

Rachel rolled her eyes and shot Quinn a rather unconvinced look of disapproval at the attempt to lighten the conversation. "You know that's not what I was referring to."

She dropped the hand she still held and absently played with her own silverware. "I know. It's ok. I'm ok. I made it through with hardly any visible scars, and I have you now to help me with the emotional ones." Brown eyes snapped up to her face, and she wondered why Rachel suddenly seemed so surprised, hadn't they talked about how Quinn was willing to let Rachel in and actually allow her to help her through things.

"He actually gave you physical scars?" Her voice was barely a whisper, but the horror in it resonated as though she had screamed it at Quinn.

_**Oh. Right. She must not have overheard everything about the night you were in the E.R.**_

_**Apparently not.**_

_**Well, crap.**_

"I'm sorry, Rachel, I didn't realize that you didn't know. You said you overheard your father talking, so I just assumed you knew how bad it was. Please don't worry about it. I'm really ok."

_**You don't even sound convincing to me…**_

_**Well then come up with something else to say.**_

"Quinn..."

"Rach, look, this is what I was trying to tell you at the restaurant when Kurt interrupted us but I didn't..." She trailed off and rubbed her good eye while she took in a slow deep breath before she purposefully let it out to give herself a few seconds to collect her thoughts. "It's just, I thought you knew how bad it was since you mentioned that you heard your father talking about it. I…" She sighed and closed her eyes until she felt Rachel's hand brush against her own.

"I know I've been pushing you to talk about this and I shouldn't have, I didn't know it was that bad Quinn. So just, take your time and please know that when you are ready to, I'm here."

She smiled, returning her hand to her fork as casually as possible. "So, you'd actually be ok with not talking about this right this second, with just slowing things down without even knowing why."

"Of course I want to know, but you're clearly struggling with exactly what it is that you want to say. I guess I just assumed that since we've known each other for so long, I expect you to be beyond the point of keeping everything locked away behind those infamous Fabray walls of yours." Quinn was quiet, lost in thought for a minute while her hand mindlessly poked at the food on her plate.

"I don't want to be the infamous Fabray anymore. I'm working on it."

"I know, take your time to sort out your thoughts and we'll talk about it when you've had more time to think about it."

"I will, I'm trying Rach."

_**You better be.**_

_**I am. Just not that, not yet.**_

_**You'll have to tell her sometime, you can't just pretend it didn't happen.**_

_**I know.**_

Quinn had hoped that despite putting their conversation on hold while she supposedly organized her thoughts, they could still have a tension free evening of cuddling while watching a movie, but the throbbing in the side of her face left her tense and distracted. Rachel was obviously interpreting her rigid discomfort incorrectly when she eventually slid away from her and curled into the corner of the couch to occasionally glance speculatively at her. Quinn, for her part, finally realized Rachel's behavior when she turned to her to ask for a pain killer when she decided her eye might try to pop out of her head. Dark brown eyes widened dramatically and she seemed horrified that she had failed to offer them to Quinn in the first place, but she had leaned over and kissed the girl's worry away. When bedtime finally rolled around she found Rachel sneaking glances at her, looking as though she was about to say something, then closing her mouth and going back to watching the television.

"Is everything ok, Rach?" Rachel blushed in response and looked away before nodding.

"Yes, everything is fine. Why wouldn't it be?"

"Why do you keep looking at me like that?"

"I was just thinking about something."

"Care to share?"

"I'm not sure how to put this without it coming across as sexual in nature." Quinn's eyebrows shot up to her hairline as Rachel's face flushed an even deeper red.

"Well, you could just tell me what it is and let me come to my own conclusions."

"I was wondering if you wanted to spend the night with me."

"That admittedly does sound sexual, considering we've spent several nights sharing a bed already." Rachel bit her bottom lip and rolled her eyes.

"I just meant that maybe we should start the night out sleeping in the same bed, instead of ending up there after I wake you up. I wasn't suggesting more than cuddling, I just thought maybe it would help so you might not have a nightmare tonight, after everything that happened today...See, it just sounds..."

"It sounds perfect, Rachel. I mean, I've never heard you have so much trouble actually speaking, but the idea sounds perfect. I appreciate the offer, and I'd love to." She smiled at her before she leaned down for a soft kiss. "Why do I make you so nervous exactly, Rachel?"

"In, case you haven't noticed, most nights I tend to get carried away when you're close to me and I wanted you to know that I'm not disrespecting your wish to go at whatever pace you set. That tonight I have no intention of anything happening."

"Oh. And tonight, you feel that you'll have an easier time with being in close contact with me because...of my face? It's really that unattractive?" Rachel was suddenly kissing her, surprised by how suddenly the kiss had come, Quinn kissed her back, reveling in the feel of the soft lips against her own.

"I told you, you're beautiful, Quinn, always. I just don't think I could take it if I heard you screaming in your sleep tonight, not after I should have been there today."

"It's not your fault, Rach, you had no way of knowing. You had somewhere to be, you can't be by my side every second of every day. Stop blaming yourself. Now come on, it's time to make with the cuddling." She smiled as Rachel laughed for the first time all day, happy to see her devoid of the sadness she had carried following the tumultuous day they had experienced.

Quinn had found the shy look on Rachel's face as she climbed into the bed so endearing, that she had immediately leaned forward and kissed her the second she was finally settled. She had been slightly surprised at exactly how good it really felt to curl into the brunettes arms. Rachel somehow managed to make her feel safer than she could ever remember feeling, and she snuggled into the body next to hers. She closed her eyes and breathed her in, reveling in everything Rachel Berry surrounding her, fully intent on going to sleep until a pair of soft lips brushed her own. When the lips pulled back she followed them forward and melted into the touch, deepening the kiss as she felt Rachel's tongue gently move against her bottom lip. She wasn't exactly sure when the girls' hands had found their way under the hem of her tank top, but suddenly, she felt warm fingers tracing searing circles over her hip bones. She felt the moan come out of her own mouth as her hand tangled in dark hair, pulling her closer as the other settled on her lower back, her thigh slipping between Rachel's as she shifted up against the warmth she found there.

_**Um, Quinn?**_

_**If you talk to me now I swear to god I'll kill you.**_

_**But, she said she was trying to make an offer without it sounding sexual, just cuddling, remember? And you were the one that said you wanted to slow things down, NOT to go too far with the physical stuff…**_

_**Shut UP!**_

_**But, Quinn, cuddling.**_

_**Five more minutes.**_

She felt Rachel's hands move down to cup her ass, pulling her thigh even closer as Quinn's hand found its way to Rachel's thinly covered breast, palming the flesh. She kept her eyes closed as Rachel pulled her mouth away only to trail hot kisses up her throat, pulling an earlobe into her mouth and gently raking her teeth across it. She began to move her leg against the brunette again, eliciting a moan from the warm body beneath her own. She felt Rachel's hips begin to match the movement of her thigh, and she crushed their mouths together once again, tongues meeting hungrily. She felt Rachel's hands move to the hem of her shirt and she pulled back, catching the smaller wrists and lifting her arms up over her head, trapping them on the pillow. She moved her head down, biting down on a nipple gently through the thin material of Rachel's shirt.

"God, Quinn."

_**Stop it! Stop it now.**_

_**You are seriously like my arch nemesis.**_

_**I am helping you, do you really want this to keep going when she specifically said she didn't invite you in the other night because she didn't trust herself and she was nervous?**_

_**Shut up, Shut up, SHUT UP!**_

_**Quinn. Seriously. She trusts you.**_

_**Oh my god, you're like the jiminy cricket of cock-blocking.**_

_**Ok, first of all that's vulgar, second of all… can you call it that? Is there a lesbian alternative phrase?**_

_**Like what? Twat block? **_

_**Still vulgar. And your mouth is still on her nipple.**_

_**You're the one that's talking about phrasing…**_

_**Oh my god she's seriously moaning, fucking STOP.**_

She pulled back, waiting until Rachel's eyes tried to focus on her, pupils so large they were black.

"Rachel, I think this counts as sexual in nature."

"What?"

"You said you weren't offering anything sexual, just cuddling. I, this…"

"How are you forming sentences right now?" She laughed and kissed her lightly on the lips, eliciting a frustrated groan when she refused to let Rachel deepen the kiss.

"Maybe I should go back to my room." That seemed to shake Rachel from her daze, and she blushed while she untangled her limbs from Quinn's.

"Sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me, you kiss me and I just..."

"Lose control?"

"Yeah."

"I can relate. But I believe you kissed me." Rachel's blush deepened even further.

"Yeah, I attempted to kiss you goodnight, you deepened it…"

"I know, I'm sorry, but I just… "

"Got caught up in the moment? Believe me, I understand. It's so much harder with you, you have no idea what its like to do that with someone that makes you feel..."

"Like you're on fire?" Brown eyes looked surprised, then darkened as Quinn watched.

"Yeah."

A small strangled noise escaped Quinn's throat at the deep raspy tone that she had never heard before from Rachel as she had voiced her response and she leaned forward, her entire body drawn towards the lips that her full attention had gone to without her permission. As she felt Rachel's hands tangle in her hair and her tongue meet her own hungrily she groaned and managed to pull back, her breathing heavy as she watched Rachel blindly seeking out her lips. "We really need to talk."

"Now?"

"Yes."

Her hands slipped back down to the mattress and she shifted so that she was sitting slightly further away, one set of fingers fisted in the sheets. "I thought you were organizing your thoughts because you were having trouble voicing them."

"Honestly, I don't think any amount of time is going to make this conversation any easier on me Rachel."

"And you think that we absolutely need to discuss this right this second because?"

_**Because I want to rip your clothes off and do things that I'm not even sure I know how to do with you right now.**_

_**Yeah, don't say that.**_

_**Obviously.**_

"Because, it's getting harder and harder to control myself when you kiss me like that and I need you to know why I'm controlling myself… and because, I mean, isn't that how these things work? Aren't you supposed to know your, well, each other's um, history before you get anywhere near a point where you…" She rolled her eyes and moved her gaze to the headboard of the bed as she felt her cheeks begin to burn. "…become a part of that history."

Rachel closed her eyes and scrunched her nose up. One hand ran across one of her eyes before they opened again, clearer than they had been seconds ago. "Quinn, what are you sort of almost talking about?"

"What?"

"My thoughts exactly."

"Rach—"

"What history, what are you getting at with—"

"Sex Rachel."

"Oh.., oh."

"Wait, _you're_ nervous about talking about sex?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" She pulled her knees up to her chest and narrowed her eyes as she watched the girl stare at her from the other side of the bed.

"It's just, after everything you've been through, I find it difficult to believe that you can still maintain shyness regarding sex Quinn… not that I even realized that this was the direction this conversation was going, although I suppose I should have since it originated somewhere between slowing things down and your hand on my—"

"You know, stripping and sex aren't the same thing. There's a huge distinction. I wouldn't have been able to do it if I didn't draw a pretty thick line in the sand about that."

Rachel dropped her hand from where it had been raised while she had animatedly gone off on her nervous rant, her face suddenly serious, her eyes large as she began to move closer to Quinn until she took in her closed off body language and settled for placing a hand on one of the knees that blocked her off. "That's not what I meant. I was referring to your history with Noah. You've obviously had sex, or Beth wouldn't exist. I know you're not, I know you wouldn't have done, had, I never thought that about you Quinn."

Quinn sighed and knew she should look up into the gaze she could feel desperately trying to meet her own, but the idea of staring into those expressive eyes while she worked up the courage to talk about the heart of the real issue here was entirely too daunting. "Well, you bring up a valid point. You know about my past, my experience, but I genuinely have no idea how much experience you have. I obviously wasn't exactly your confidante when it came to your boyfriends, and while you don't seem to be intimidated by the idea of a… physical relationship, I wouldn't want to push you into something you weren't ready for just because I got lost in the moment."

_**Chicken.**_

_**What? This is an important part of the conversation.**_

_**So, it has nothing to do with you putting off the inevitable for as long as possible?**_

_**Nope.**_

_**You totally can't lie to me, I'm you, I know it's a lie.**_

_**Just, be quiet so I can focus on Rachel's answer.**_

"I've known you for a really long time Quinn, it's not like you're someone new in my life. We may not have exactly been friends the whole time, I still feel safe with you. I, I don't think you would be like Finn, he was just so rough and awkward. I didn't feel like this with him, and he—" She cut off as she watched Quinn turn away from her and move to the edge of the bed. "Quinn?"

"You know what? It's really late, I probably shouldn't have started this conversation this late. We should get some sleep."

_**Are you serious right now?**_

_**All I can see is him pawing her at that party now, and images of them—**_

_**Could you not. Let it go Quinn, you knew they were together.**_

_**Yeah but…**_

_**Jealousy, really?**_

_**Shut up.**_

"Quinn, please don't do that. Please don't run from this conversation just because you don't like what you hear. We both know it's not that late, and you promised to try to stop running from things."

She took in a long deep breath and let it out slowly, her back still to Rachel, her hands clenched tightly around the edge of the mattress. "I know… I know he was your boyfriend, and I, well not only was I nothing to you at the time but I was showing my body to half the population of Ohio but the idea of him with you like that—"

Her body twitched slightly as she felt Rachel's cheek resting against her back and one arm slip around her waist. "I promise you there's no reason to feel jealous of him at all. It wasn't exactly a pleasant experience for me. If I'm completely honest, he ruined the importance of it for me, took away the meaning that should have been there."

She threaded her fingers together with the hand that lay on her arm and relaxed into the embrace. "Don't say that Rach. Trust me, it's still important. I've shown my body to so many people, but I wouldn't actually give it to just anyone."

"I can tell you that I didn't feel this with him, all I felt was the realization that I didn't love him, and that he didn't really love me. How could he, when he didn't take the time to make it enjoyable for me, didn't even take the time to see if I was okay."

Quinn pulled forward and turned to look at her, her body tense as she felt fury bubble up into her stomach and chest. "Did he hurt you?"

"Of course it hurt, the first time is supposed to hurt, in theory. I just meant, he kind of pressured me until I felt like I had to, and when I tried to stop him because I realized I didn't want it—"

"Rachel, did—"

"He was already done before I could even register that things had really started, that the decision had been made, and…" She paused and dropped her eyes to Quinn's hand in her own as a small blush crept up into her cheeks. "The point I'm trying to make here, is that the first time I've actually ever lost control and felt… desire, was with you. I mean, we're not exactly strangers, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't fantasized about you over the years. I know this is new but I don't know, it's not like I'm planning to rip your clothes off or anything, but I'm not scared of something happening whenever it does."

Quinn was quiet for a few seconds. She just watched the dark eyes that avoided her own after such an intimate confession, until she released the breath she had been holding and swallowed. "How could you possibly trust me this much Rachel? You're willing to put yourself in a position to be completely vulnerable with me, and you're not even a little bit scared that I might hurt you."

_**And you're not returning that.**_

_**I know.**_

_**It's time to trust her back Quinn.**_

_**Thank you, I know.**_

_**Don't get snarky with me, just close your damn eyes and jump.**_

"You aren't the person you used to be Quinn, you've proven that to me more than once now and… I, wasted my first time, and my guess would be that you feel that way too. I just, no one's ever felt for me as much as you say you do and maybe if I'm willing to give you that level of intimacy, maybe you'll feel safe and secure enough to open up to me the way you want to."

Quinn's breath caught in her throat and she felt a slight sheen of moisture at the backs of her eyes as the full impact of Rachel's words settled heavily down on her. "Rachel, I…" She closed her eyes and jumped. "It's the scars. I'm afraid that when you see them… when I think about them, or look at myself I see the blood and the gashes and the stitches and how he… I see how once smooth skin is ruined, marred forever by his anger and the belt that he used on me. I'm afraid you'll see what I do. I'm afraid you won't look at me the same way, won't want me the same way, and I need you to want me Rachel."

"Quinn—"

"You haven't seen them, so don't tell me it won't make a difference. You don't know that until you've seen them."

She was quiet for a few seconds, and then her voice very quietly brushed past Quinn's ears. "Okay."

"Say something besides okay."

"Okay, um, I mean… can I ask you something?"

Quinn's brow furrowed and she finally opened her eyes only to see that she had one hand holding Rachel at bay and she dropped it, unsure when the girl had reached for her to offer comfort, and even more unsure why she had fended her off. Her eyes lifted to find a soft look of patient concern on Rachel's face and she melted a little in response to the lack of judgment or disgust. "Okay."

"How did you, I mean you don't want me to see your scars, but you—"

"You're not a stranger Rachel. Do you think I care what the male population of Ohio thinks about my body? I was on a stage, in bad lighting, with makeup on my body, they couldn't see them very well and when I was closer they were already drunk and… It's not the same thing. I wasn't, I was barely sober and I needed the money, and it's different now. I actually care what you think about…" She trailed off as she realized she was yelling at Rachel, realized the girl was looking at her with wide eyes, realized she sounded angry. She rubbed her eyebrow and took in a shaky breath, her entire body slowly settling down as she forced it to relax as much as she could.

_**You were screaming at her.**_

_**I know.**_

_**Don't do it again.**_

_**I know, ok.**_

_**Lighten things up somehow, let her know you're not angry with her.**_

She let a small sound escape her throat, no quite a laugh, not quite a grumble. "Carmen used to tell me that I exaggerate them in my head, that they're just little white lines, that I didn't even need to try to cover them with makeup." She lifted her mouth in a small apologetic smile as she said it, watching as Rachel visibly calmed down.

"Who's Carmen?"

"Oh, she was another danc…stripper. She used to help me put the makeup on, she showed me the ropes when I first got there. We were… friends."

Rachel's eyebrows lifted and disappeared beneath her bangs, her eyes narrowed, then widened again as she silently shifted uncomfortably under Quinn's gaze. "Oh."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Come on Rachel, what is it?"

"Nothing, just… the way you said that, it sounds like you were more than _just friends_."

Quinn felt the corners of her lips tug up into a smile, and she lightly bit her own tongue to keep from laughing. "Rachel, are you jealous?"

"No! That's completely ridiculous, I didn't even, we barely even spoke back then and besides, you just stated that she was a fellow dancer so she helped you out. Why would that automatically suggest that—"

"You're really adorable when you're jealous."

She crossed her arms over her chest in typical Rachel fashion and fixed Quinn with a mild glare. "Well, were you really just friends?"

"Mostly."

_**Mostly? Talk about vague for a reason.**_

_**Shut up, it was once, and it was because she reminded me so much of Rachel.**_

_**She had a huge thing for you. If you were eighteen you would have had to hold that girl off with a cattle prod.**_

_**Shut up and enjoy the feeling of Rachel being jealous.**_

"Quinn Fabray, that is not an acceptable answer."

"Seriously adorable when you're having a jealous Rachel moment, I don't know why Finn used to complain about that."

"I am _not_ jealous." She huffed a puff of air out when Quinn's eyebrow arched and she blushed furiously before she leaned back against her headboard with her arms still folded and continued to glare at Quinn. "Fine. So, why can _Carmen_ and half of the male population of Ohio see you without clothes on, but the idea of me seeing you that way practically makes you run screaming?"

_**Because you can hurt me. **_

_**She won't.**_

_**You don't know that.**_

_**Then say that.**_

_**I can't.**_

_**You can.**_

"Because, you can hurt me. I don't think I could take it if you rejected me Rachel." The vulnerability in her own voice startled her, and she averted her gaze, struggling with this level of intimacy.

"Quinn, hey..."

She closed her eyes tighter as she felt Rachel's finger tuck under her chin in an attempt to turn her head to meet her gaze. A shaky breath escaped her chest and she held in a small gasp of air as she willed herself to open her eyes and meet the concerned face that was watching her, tenderly.

"The only thing those scars will do, is make me want to hold you that much tighter. You'll always be beautiful to me, nothing could change that."

"You haven't seen them."

"No, I haven't. But, Carmen has, and she told you they were barely there."

_**I can't help it. Every time I look in the mirror I see the gashes that were there that night. I see the blood, the way it seemed to be everywhere. **_

_**They are healed. Carmen said they are white lines.**_

_**I don't think I'll ever see them that way.**_

"They're there to me." She closed her eyes again when Rachel pulled her forward and brushed a soft kiss against her forehead before she settled her against her chest, arms securely around her. They were quiet for several minutes before Quinn took a deep breath and plunged further into the memory.

"I pushed him too far. I knew what he was like. I knew I should just shut my mouth and let him yell. I was just so sick of being told how much of a disappointment I was all the time. I knew better. I don't know where my defiant streak came from, but I know I shouldn't have reacted the way I did."

_**It came from your anger at her.**_

_**She took him back. She promised she wouldn't. It wasn't supposed to be like this. And then he was there and accusing me of things I didn't even do. I should have let him. What did it matter if they weren't true? Maybe he wouldn't have used the belt, maybe it would have been more like the other times if I had just stayed quiet.**_

"Are you blaming yourself for what he did?"

"I knew what he was like, Rachel. It wasn't the first time he hit me."

She stiffened briefly in response to her words then seemed to calm down as she stroked Quinn's hair softly. "Quinn, it wasn't your fault."

_**I yelled back. I told him to go to hell. He had that look in his eye, that animal look, the one that always reminds me of a hunting shark...and I defied him anyway.**_

"You weren't there."

"I still know it wasn't your fault. He's your father, Quinn. No matter what you say it doesn't give him the right to hurt you. It's not your responsibility to keep him from hitting you, it's his to control himself."

_**I knew he would hit me.**_

_**We've been over this. She's right. That didn't give him the right. He sent you to the hospital Quinn.**_

_**He was supposed to love me. **_

"I guess."

"No, Quinn, that's why it's called abuse. That's why he should have gone to jail. He was wrong." Quinn felt a soft finger brush a tear from her cheek, she hadn't even realized she'd been crying until the gentle touch spread the wetness across her face.

_**Abuse. She's right. He didn't avoid jail because he wasn't guilty, it was because of that judge. **_

_**She is right and yet here I am, letting him win. He wins if she looks at me and only sees him. **_

_**But, if she walks away...**_

_**I have to know. I need to know if he destroyed my body. I see gashes, what if she doesn't.**_

_**Quinn...**_

_**No. I need to know that she can look at me the way I am and still love me.**_

She felt bubble up in her stomach once again until it exploded hotly in her chest, as she let Rachel's words sink in, felt the soft tender support that she could really feel from the hands that were stroking her hair. Since that night, she had gone back and forth between convincing herself that it was his fault, and sinking into the fear that it had been hers. But now, as she lay in the safety of Rachel's arms, and listened to the quiet but firm reassurance that it had all been his fault and not her own, she felt something breaking deep inside herself. Unexpectedly, she suddenly needed to let go of what she had buried, of what she had been holding onto for so long. Suddenly she needed Rachel to see it all, see every mark he had left on her body, every line of hate he had etched into her skin. Without warning, she pulled away from Rachel and sat quickly up in front of her, hazel eyes locked with a surprised chocolate gaze.

"What are you doing?" The alarm was evident in Rachel's voice as she watched Quinn's hands close around her own shirt and smoothly pull it over her head before she tossed it somewhere behind her.

"I want you to see." She unhooked her bra despite the hands that moved to stop her own, cupping her own breasts as she hugged her arms to her chest to cover them while she shook slightly.

"Quinn, you don't have to do this right now."

"I do. I need you to see. I need to know that it won't change things, and if it does, I'd rather know now."

"Quinn—"

"I need to know that he didn't ruin me for you Rachel."

"You aren't ruin—"

"My back. They're mostly on my back. But, the belt was long enough to cut into my sides in some places. The sides of my breasts, under my arms, across my ribs… I think the sides of my breasts has the worst of it, the skin split the easiest there." She saw the sparkling sheen of tears in Rachel's eyes and she turned away before she could change her mind, to present her back to the girl. She closed her eyes, suddenly despising the quiet that settled thickly between them as she allowed Rachel to study her. She could feel her entire body begin to tremble and the dread that was crawling up her throat in the absence of a response. Her arm dropped to her side and she grasped onto the blanket, ready to cover herself when she felt the first brush of fingertips across her skin. She tensed and gasped at the tender touch, then relaxed as the surprise of the response gave way to the comfort that came with the lack of rejection. Her other arm fell to her lap and her head dropped forward as her muscles relaxed into submission to the gentle exploration. When she felt lips trace the path behind fingers, she swallowed against the lump in her throat and lifted up her arm so that Rachel could see the thick white dashes along the side of her breast. She heard Rachel gasp as she turned towards her and she opened her eyes and moved her arms to cover herself until gentle hands stopped her.

"Please don't. You're so beautiful."

She felt one solitary tear trace a glittering path down her cheek at the look of tenderness edged with want in Rachel's darkened eyes as she leaned forward and captured Quinn's lips. When she pulled back Quinn kept her eyes shut and dropped her face into her hands while Rachel returned her attention to carefully kissing every spot of visible evidence of Quinn's pain that she could find on her still trembling body, in between soft whispers of reassurance in between each brush of her lips.

When she was satisfied that she had touched every dash, every line, every mark she pulled Quinn down beside her and enveloped her gently in her embrace. She only pulled one arm away long enough to pull the blankets over them, before she returned her arm to hold Quinn against her, her fingers gently traced patterns across her skin as she settled against her.

After a few minutes of silence, Rachel began to once again offer soft words of comfort, words that Quinn was no longer even registering as she returned the offered embrace and buried her face in Rachel's neck. The world beautiful worked its way through to her overwhelmed mind and she let the tears that had been threatening fall from her eyes as she took comfort in the words and gestures of the girl that held her tightly.

_**I love you Rachel.**_


	11. Chapter 11

AN: Thank you for all the reviews and support, you all totally rock

Chapter 11

A large tree gently drifted with the breeze, scattering sunlight through white slatted wood that had been left open, forgotten. The bedroom held two sleeping figures swathed in a soft white quilt that had been carefully pulled around them. The wind blew a little harder and the light danced across pale skin causing a nose to scrunch against the brightness that persistently announced the morning. One arm twitched as hazel eyes opened, then squinted against the brightness before she shut them once again and nestled further into her pillow. The low wail of an alarm clock sounded behind her and her brow furrowed in confusion at its minimal volume, before she heard a click and the bed moved behind her. One arm slid across her side to rest across her hips, and a pair of warm lips caressed her shoulder blade. She began to cuddle back into the caress, when her eyes shot open once more, her entire body stiffening as she realized that those lips had touched the bare flesh of her back. She bolted up from the bed, her eyes searching for her shirt, before she could even register the small noise that had come from the girl behind her. Her shirt was over her head even as her thoughts began to race wildly as the previous night slammed back to the forefront of her mind.

_**Oh my god, oh my god.**_

_**I think it's a little too early in the morning for you to be having a panic attack already.**_

_**I was topless. She kissed my back.**_

_**Yeah, I was kinda there.**_

_**MY BACK. Where my scars are.**_

_**Um, do you think this is news to me or something?**_

_**Rachel kissed my back, my naked back, where my scars are.**_

_**Do you think repeating things makes them make more sense, because it doesn't.**_

_**She's seen them.**_

_**Yeah, last night, she saw all of them.**_

_**Will you pay attention? **_

_**I am paying attention. You're freaking out, over nothing.**_

_**It's not nothing. **_

_**Kind of is, seeing that she's not the one freaking out. **_

_**I can't do this. **_

_**What now?**_

_**I can't do this. I can't face her. Not after she's seen them.**_

_**Quinn, she doesn't care.**_

_**She does. She was so—**_

_**What? Kind? Caring? Gentle? Loving? Tender?**_

_**She did it because she feels sorry for me, she sees that I'm broken.**_

_**I really wish I could smack you sometimes.**_

_**She sees me differently now.**_

_**Yeah, because people normally cuddle up to and kiss someone they're horrified by.**_

_**She's doing it because she pities me. I can't face her. I can't look at her and see—**_

_**See, what? **_

_**See that I've changed in her eyes. **_

_**You're starting to piss me off.**_

_**What do you know anyway? I need to get out of here.**_

"Quinn?"

"'s late, should get dressed."

_**Ok, that was a mumbled garbled mess of barely English.**_

_**Shut up.**_

"What's wrong?"

She closed her eyes when she felt a hand on her back and jumped slightly when she realized at some point she had gone back to sitting on the edge of the bed. Her head shook back and forth as she struggled to calm herself down when the hand on her back began to rub soothing circles.

_**You're shaking.**_

_**I know.**_

_**You can't run.**_

_**This is too much.**_

_**Think about how in love with her you felt last night, how loved by her you felt. **_

_**No. It couldn't be real. I'm too broken, I don't deserve that.**_

_**You can't run from her, you'll hurt her.**_

_**But, it's too much. I let her so far in. **_

_**She's not rejecting you, she doesn't see you as broken Quinn, really think about last night.**_

_**No. That can't be. It just can't. **_

"Quinn, talk to me?"

She closed her eyes and automatically leaned back into the body that moved to settle against her own, still shaking, still struggling.

_**Don't do this Quinn. **_

_**I, this is too much, it couldn't be… she was just, I need to get out of here. **_

_**Don't you dare leave this room.**_

_**But—**_

_**No! Sit here for as long as you need to, but I swear if you leave this room, if you run from her right now, I will make your life a living hell.**_

_**Are you seriously screaming at me right now?**_

_**Yes. You need it. You need to really, really think about last night. Think about the way she kissed every bit of scarred skin, the way she held you as tightly as she could afterwards.. The way she whispered soft re-assurances and told you how beautiful she thinks you still are.**_

_**But what if it wasn't real, what if she didn't mean any of it?**_

_**Rachel is not a liar. **_

_**No, but she does like to make people feel better. **_

_**This is Rachel, if she didn't mean it, she wouldn't have said it, wouldn't have done it.**_

_**But—**_

_**But nothing, you sit here until you are calm enough to talk to her, to accept this.**_

She covered her face with her hands, her entire body tense as small tremors shook across her muscles as she forced herself to sit there with Rachel pressed up against her back. Slowly, the oppressive weight on her chest began to fade and numbness settled in a prickling wave across her body as the shaking began to subside. "I, I'm trying to stay here right now."

A small kiss was dropped on her shoulder and her body tightened then relaxed back into numbness. "I know. You don't have to. I know you're not running, and I appreciate that. I know last night was a lot for you Quinn, if you need to just be alone for a little while, I understand."

"I promised you that I would stop shutting you out." The effort that came with speaking, with forcing herself to sit there and actually talk through the overwhelming panic was causing the crushing pressure to return to her chest, and she felt a cold sweat on her forehead.

"That doesn't mean you have to do everything all at once. I won't take you needing some alone time as you shutting me out right now, I can see you sitting here fighting it for me. I'll tell you what, why don't I go downstairs and make some breakfast, and when you're ready you can come down and eat?"

She nodded silently while Rachel pulled away from her, every fibre of her being shocked when she felt loss as Rachel's arms slipped away from her. When she heard the door softly click closed behind the girl, she quietly whispered her response to the empty room. "I'm sorry I'm so fucked up Rachel, I'm really trying."

Quinn took in a deep breath and held it as she paused in the door way to the kitchen, her hand resting on the white wooden frame, one knee bent as she tapped her bare toe silently on the floor. Her eyes remained fixed on the tense form that sat at the table with her back to the doorway, silence surrounding the dark head that was usually humming any song that would inspire her in the moment. She swallowed and faltered at the idea that she had upset Rachel enough to silence her morning rituals. Teeth chewed nervously on her bottom lip and her eyes wandered away from the girl at the table, and she felt a swell of relief pass quickly through her body as she spotted a steaming cup of coffee and a bowl of fruit waiting for her on the counter.

_**Well, she can't hate you**__**if she made you coffee**_**. **

_**That's a bold assumption considering its Rachel, and manners usually come first. **_

_**Oh please, take the coffee and sit down and suck it up. She's not going to hate you, you didn't run. **_

_**I might as well have.**_

She took one final deep calming breath and quickly scooped up her breakfast before she settled awkwardly across from Rachel at the table. Dark eyes widened as she settled down, then narrowed while they watched her under a furrowed brow, her features the very picture of concern. Quinn opened her mouth, then closed it. She took a sip of coffee and closed her eyes, annoyed at the level of tension that was once again between them.

_**Say something.**_

_**Like what?**_

_**At this point, anything, you're just sitting here awkwardly. **_

_**I don't know what to say.**_

_**How about I'm sorry.**_

_**Come on, really?**_

"I'm sorry Rachel."

"You really don't need to apologize. You're struggling with something difficult, at least you're trying."

"I, this morning, it should have been… different. I know that."

She sighed softly and put her fork down beside her own bowl of fruit. "I'm not going to lie, it would have been nice if this morning we woke up and were able to share a few tender moments of feeling connected to each other—"

"I—"

"However, you didn't run away. You fought the urge, and visibly struggled with it, and you stayed there to prove to me that you were in fact trying. For right now, that's enough. So, things are a little awkward, we'll survive. You'll eventually realize that all last night did was make me hate your father, and feel that much closer to you. We'll get past it when you're ready to."

"Why are you so calm and rational all the time?"

"Years of therapy bought and paid for by two very overprotective fathers."

Quinn couldn't help it, she let out a small laugh and met the warm dark gaze that was fixed on her from across the table. "That was pretty direct."

"Well, you asked." She smiled and went back to eating her fruit, a rather brilliant smile on her face as Quinn awkwardly brushed her hand against Rachel's on the table before she took a bite of her own breakfast.

The hallway was a steady stream of movement, and Quinn the small stoic stone that caused the flow to drift around her, the only other figure that caused them to part was the boy wheeled his way towards the bulletin board that hung on the wall across from Quinn. Her eyes followed his movements, her body projecting an air of casual confidence, despite the swirling storm of emotions that ebbed and flowed within her as she stood there. The smallest of twitches resulted in a tiny smile barely curving up her lips he hung the list to reveal Rachel's name at the top of the cast list. It occurred to her that the look on her face might be interpreted as a smirk rather than a look of pride to anyone besides Rachel, so she didn't drop the expression as others began to crowd around the sheet of paper. She ignored the tightening in her shoulders as she spotted Rachel, and the avoidant gaze that flitted over her before it dropped to the floor until she reached the bulletin board. When she turned again Quinn felt an eyebrow twitch up in mild surprise at the slightly sad look on Rachel's face. She pushed against the wall behind her, intent on going over to the girl to find out what had made her so unhappy when Finn swooped in and scooped her up into his arms while he chattered about her landing the lead role. Quinn bit down hard on the inside of her cheek and swept past them towards Puck as she spotted him walking over to Shelby at the end of the hallway. She tossed one glance back over her shoulder at Rachel, noticing that her eyes were behind Finn, looking at the spot Quinn had just vacated while Kurt rushed up to her with Blaine. She turned back just in time to catch Puck pulling her towards Shelby, a big smile on his face.

"Come on baby mama, we've got plans to make."

Her brow furrowed and she pulled her arm free of his hand. "What plans?"

"Noah didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"Shelby said we can all do something with Beth this weekend, you know the five of us."

She had begun to turn her head back towards Rachel, but it snapped back to Puck at his statement. "Five?"

"Yeah, Beth's family, you and me and Rachel and Shelby and—"

"Yeah, I know who you meant by Beth's family, thank you Puck."

"Anyway, I was thinking we could take her to the bowling alley and—"

"She's a toddler Puck, you can't take a toddler bowing, god I hope she takes after me when it comes to intelligence."

He shot her a hurt look and took a step away from her. "I don't want to take her bowling, they have that pizza restaurant there now, with like the ball pit and games and stuff… but if YOU have a better idea genius then by all means let's hear it."

"There's a carnival a few towns over this weekend, they have a petting zoo for children, I mean if she likes animals…" She trailed off and dropped her gaze to the floor as it sunk in how little she knew about her daughter, her eyes drifted back up when she felt a warm hand on her arm.

"She loves animals, I think that's a perfect idea." Shelby smiled warmly at Quinn and squeezed her arm before she pulled back.

"Who loves animals? Did you find a girlfriend with a new fetish Puckerman? Is that how you got her to date you, her love of gorillas?"

"You're one to talk Lopez, how many times did I get into your spanks?"

Quinn reached over and smacked him in the back of the head before Santana could respond. "You have got to stop talking like that if you're going to be spending time around Beth." Her eyes followed Shelby's retreat. "Not to mention Shelby, you're damn lucky she didn't hear you."

"Oh come on, that's not the worst thing she's heard me say."

"Yeah, that's something to be proud of, saying disgusting things in front of the woman that can keep you from seeing your daughter."

"Fine, whatever. Beth likes animals, we're taking her to a carnival this weekend."

"Don't whatever me, you need to stop acting like an idiotic frat boy. She can't see you like that. You want to party and be a moron, do it on your own time, not in front of Shelby and Beth."

"Are we talking about a celebration tonight for Rachel and Blaine getting the leads?" Kurt inserted himself between Quinn and Puck.

"No we were—"

"We should totally have a party at Rachel's house, her dad's are still out of town."

Quinn narrowed her eyes at Finn when she realized he had joined the conversation, her hand fisting in the folds of her skirt as she watched him throw an arm around Rachel's shoulders. She turned and walked away from the conversation, just as unwilling to say anything as she was to watch him paw at the girl she was secretly dating.

Quinn still wasn't quite herself by the end of the day, and after feeling a pang of guilt course through her every time she caught Rachel's avoidant gaze she decided to skip out on glee and run laps around the track instead. She wasn't sure why she had expected the awkward tension to go away on its own, but when it hadn't dissipated as the day wore on she found herself frustrated at her inability to simply go up to Rachel and tell her how much she appreciated everything and that they were ok once again. In the past, she had always had her Cheerios practices to help her work out any stress or aggression she was feeling when it came to any situation in her life. So, she went out to the empty track and ran until the cold stung against her cheeks, and her leg muscles were numb beneath her sweats from the frigid air.

Even as she pushed herself to finish her final lap, her knee buckled beneath her, the knee that she had twisted one particular night that had ended with her drunkenly losing a disagreement with a stripper pole. Her hands hit the slightly rubbery hard surface of the track and she dropped her forehead to her arm while she struggled to catch her breath by pulling in large rather unhelpful gasps of icy air. She clenched her eyes shut against the pain in her side, her attention shifting as the image of a bouquet of red star shaped flowers pushed its way to the forefront of her mind.

Her body complained silently as she settled back on her heels, her eyes taking in the dark haze of the evening that settled around her and she glanced at her watch. A small burst of warmth flooded her chest as she realized that at this hour Rachel must have gone to her car, must have seen the flowers and the note, must have gone home with a small smile on her face in response to Quinn's sprawling script across the paper. When she had run into Mercedes, and discovered the reason behind Rachel's sad, quiet behavior during the cast list posting she had known she needed to reassure the girl. The simple star shaped vibrant flowers and the note explaining that it didn't matter how Rachel had won the role, because it would be the first of many in her long career was meant to do what Quinn knew she couldn't in person until she could sort through everything in her head. She pushed herself up from the ground and limped stiffly to her car as the automatic lights of the stadium behind her switched on.

She could rationalize that she went to her own rented room to shower and change in order to get more clothes, but she knew the truth was the she didn't want to go to Rachel's house right away, didn't want to face the party they had been discussing when she had walked away in the hallway. The truth of the matter was, that she would have just stayed at her own place if she didn't think that it would hurt Rachel. So when she pulled up in front of the familiar house, she was surprised to see only one extra car parked in the driveway. Her brow furrowed and her hands gripped the steering wheel as worry that she had been avoiding a non existent party edged across her stomach. She sighed and headed for the house, willing to face whatever hurt Rachel might be feeling at Quinn's avoidance at what now would seem like of Rachel herself now.

The house was silent when the door clicked closed behind her, and her brow furrowed in confusion as she glanced down at her watch. It was admittedly later than she thought, but Kurt's car was in the driveway and it was a Friday night after all. She quietly made her way upstairs, only briefly pausing when she passed Rachel's door, torn when she saw that the door was open a crack with a small amount of light spilling through the bathroom door.

Unwilling to wake Rachel, she carefully headed for her own room, not even bothering to turn on the light as she quickly changed into her pajama's and stashed the bag of fresh clothes she had brought by the door. She yawned and stretched before she backed up and sat down at the edge of the bed to take off her socks, a small noise escaping her throat as she hit a warm uneven surface and slid sideways towards the foot of the bed when it moved and emitted a masculine yell. A second higher pitched scream sounded from behind her and she flailed when a foot kicked out at her. She didn't have time to think, she just reacted and as one figure moved towards her she folded her arm and elbowed them hard in the jaw and scrambled away before she fell with a hard thud onto the floor with a loud grunt. The bedroom door flew open and suddenly the room was flooded with light as an alarmed Rachel stood in the doorway looking down at her with a hairbrush raised in her hand.

"Quinn? What the—"

"She punched me in the face!"

Quinn quickly sat up to peer over the edge of the mattress at the two people in the bed. "I didn't punch you in the face… exactly."

"It felt like you did."

"I may have… elbowed you in the face."

"Because that's somehow better than punching him?" Kurt threw the blankets off of them both as he knelt beside Blaine to inspect the red spot on his jaw. "What the hell is wrong with you anyway?"

"Me? What the hell are you doing in my bed, and how does grabbing the person that sits on you seem like a good idea?"

"I thought you were Kurt…" His voice was mildly sheepish and Kurt blushed furiously before he fixed Quinn with a glare.

"You know, you kicked me right?" She shot back and returned the glare.

"Well, last time I checked, Kurt doesn't have breasts… I was alarmed."

"You were alarmed! How the hell do you think I felt?"

"Why are you even in here?" Three heads turned to the quiet voice that came from the doorway, one arm still raised with the bright orange hairbrush.

"What were you going to do with that? Brush me to death?" Quinn arched an eyebrow and offered a small smile to the girl.

She looked up at her own arm and dropped it to her side sheepishly, then moved her gaze quickly to the boys on the bed. "Are you ok Blaine? Do you need some ice?"

"I'm fine, despite Quinn's admittedly sharp elbows, I think I'll live." He rubbed the side of his face and rested a hand on Kurt's arm to reassure him that he was indeed okay.

"I thought you said Quinn would go to your room?" Kurt shot Quinn another annoyed glance before he turned his attention to Rachel.

"I thought so too." Her voice was low and the room immediately quieted down at the hurt that was obvious in her tone. "Well, if you're all right Blaine, I'll leave you all alone. If you need ice, please help yourself to the ice packs in the freezer." She turned without a response and was gone from the room.

"Rachel…" She grabbed the edge of the bed and pulled herself up from the floor while Kurt continued to glare at her.

"You know Quinn, I was admittedly dubious when Rachel admitted she had a crush on you, and now that you've supposedly become involved with her I feel the need to let you know that if you break her heart I will have to destroy you."

Quinn snorted. "Did you warn your obnoxious brother the same way, because last time I checked he's already been there and done that."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that I'm not going to break Rachel's heart. Your ass hat brother, on the other hand, deserves whatever you could actually manage to dish out." She slammed the door and slowly headed to Rachel's room, her bottom lip tucked between her teeth when she approached the bed. She felt a pang of guilt in her chest when she saw her curled on her side, motionless, eyes focused on the wall. "Rach, I just didn't want to wake you."

"Whatever Quinn, let's just go to sleep."

_**Look at what you did. Would it have killed you to text her?**_

_**I didn't want to feel guilty about not coming to the party.**_

_**You mean, the nonexistent party that didn't happen?**_

_**Yeah, that one.**_

She sighed softly and carefully climbed into her side of the bed to stare at Rachel's back. After a few seconds she slid closer and gently brushed a hand against the visibly tense arm in front of her. "Hey, I'm sorry I disappeared tonight, it wasn't about you. I really didn't want to have to deal with a party and I thought Puck would convince you to celebrate winning the lead."

"As you know, I didn't technically win it, I just got it by default. I didn't exactly feel like celebrating."

"Sweetie, I meant what I said in my note, it doesn't matter how you got it. All that matters, is that this is the first of many lead roles for you. Besides, if your mother had been allowed to contribute her honest professional opinion we both know you would have landed that role in a second based on your talent." She watched Rachel's silent back for a few more seconds before she finally pulled her hand away from the still stiff arm.

The silence continued until finally Rachel rolled onto her other side to face Quinn, but her eyes focused on the bed between them refusing eye contact. Her voice was low, her tone sad when she spoke. "Where were you tonight? Why didn't you just call me? I would have told you I said no to the party, I wanted it to be a quiet night with just the four of us."

"I went for a run at the track, and then I went home for a little while."

"Did you want to stay there?"

"A part of me, yeah." She felt a pang of guilt as Rachel rolled quickly back away from her and curled around her pillow. "Rach, I just, I need some time once and a while. Last night was—"

"We should get some sleep, we have a long drive to the carnival tomorrow."

"I thought you understood how hard that was, this morning you said you understood that I need space sometimes."

"I didn't think that meant avoiding me altogether. Besides, understanding doesn't make it hurt less."

"Rach, I—"

"Good night Quinn."

She sighed and dropped the arm that had been about to reach for Rachel to the bed, her lip between her teeth again as she watched the girl reach up and shut off the lamp. She rolled onto her back and stared up into the dark, conflicted and uncomfortable.

_**Maybe I should leave. **_

_**I will kill you.**_

_**Well, she doesn't seem to want me here right now.**_

_**Don't you dare leave this bed, suck it up and deal with the awkwardness and show her you won't run every time things get hard. **_

_**This seriously is not how I thought this night would go. **_

_**Well, next time crawl into bed with her instead of slinking off to the guest bedroom… no better yet don't fucking run off without calling her.**_

_**You think?**_

_**Go to sleep, smart ass.**_

Quinn's consciousness was slowly coming into focus as she shifted and felt something warm against her neck. A small noise escaped her throat as she felt the pressure increase and move further down her throat. The noise seemed to rouse her further from her sleep and she leaned into the touch, something in the back of her mind pointing out that it felt like Rachel's lips. A warm body rolled shoulders to hips against her, one leg across her own and she turned automatically into the touch her lips meeting another pair as her eyes opened to see fluttering eyelashes revealing slowly focusing chocolate pools. Rachel stiffened and backed away, her hands rubbing her eyes while she shifted into a cross legged position beside a still dazed Quinn.

_**Um, what was that?**_

_**I don't know, but every morning should start like that. **_

_**Yeeeah it should. **_

_**Wow, that actually sounded like a purr, it was even throaty in here. **_

_**Shut up.**_

She watched Rachel for a few seconds before she quietly voiced the question she was more than a little nervous to ask. "Were you awake for that?"

"Not really. It was an interesting way to wake up, not exactly what I was expecting."

Quinn lifted slightly up onto her elbows as she turned to fully take in Rachel's expression, completely unsure as to what her sleepy tone could mean either way. "It seems like my body doesn't need to be awake to want to be close to you."

Rachel mumbled something mostly unintelligible and stood from the bed, while Quinn furrowed her brow and sat further up. "What?" The bathroom door clicked shut in response.

_**What did she just say?**_

_**I think it was something vaguely snarky about you listening to your subconscious more often. **_

_**Seriously?**_

_**Yeah.**_

_**Ouch.**_

_**Yeah.**_

_**Well, get off your ass and go make her breakfast, maybe that'll help. **_

_**Yeah because nothing says I'm sorry I'm a scared douche like fruit and bagels. **_

Quinn was just finishing adding fresh fruit to the giant bowl she had cut up when she heard voices enter the kitchen, she carefully put the handful of strawberries into the mix as she heard Kurt's voice rise above the others.

"Oh look, Quinn has a knife, everyone run before she _accidentally _butchers us all." He glared at her as he picked up two glasses from beside her and sat down at the table beside Blaine.

"She didn't hurt me on purpose Kurt."

"Yeah, well, tell that to the giant bruise on your jaw."

She clenched her jaw and carried the bowl over to the table. "What's wrong Kurt? Is purple just so last season?"

He narrowed his eyes at her and opened his mouth, briefly silencing himself as Quinn leaned over to offer Rachel a smaller bowl of fruit and a fork. He smirked when Quinn leaned in for a quick kiss and Rachel turned her head and ignored the offered bowl, instead taking her own from the table.

_**So much for assuming she meant she wanted you to stop pulling away and just get over yourself.**_

_**No kidding. **_

_**Well, don't just stand there, sit down and eat something before Kurt pounces. **_

_**What's his issue anyway?**_

_**Who knows.**_

She slid into her seat beside Rachel and speared a piece of fruit with her fork, attempting to look casual and failing miserably as Kurt watched her carefully.

"What's the matter Quinn? Not going to avoid the girl you supposedly care about, again."

"The only thing I was avoiding last night, was all of you, not Rachel."

"Right, and I'm going to marry Britney and have a litter of kittens."

"What's your problem with me Kurt?"

"My _problem_ is that Rachel is my best friend, and not some Sapphic pseudo experiment to help you get through some sort of post partum depression slump over giving up your jock spawn after a drunken night of sweaty Neanderthal wasp sex fest." He settled back into his seat and kept his gaze locked on Quinn, who was staring down at the table, frozen mid bite.

"Kurt, that was really uncalled for."

"Oh, please Blaine, she's never been nice to any of us. Now I'm just supposed to believe that she had some sort of pink haired, Goth crisis, then allowed Rachel to rescue her from herself while she came back down from the crazy. Please. Quinn is and always will be a manipulative bitch, and no amount of hair dye or fruit bowls are going to change that." He casually took a sip of juice, ignoring the looks on the faces of the silent people at the table around him.

_**Stay calm. **_

_**That hurt. **_

_**I know, but you know it's not true. He has no idea what he's talking about.**_

_**It still hurt, especially because he obviously thinks I don't have feelings.**_

_**Not to mention, that he thinks you don't love Rachel… what if Rachel believes that too, and that's why she's still so upset after last night. **_

_**No, she would have ended things.**_

_**Maybe she's planning on ending things. **_

_**Rachel wouldn't just put that off, she would have done it. **_

_**I don't know…**_

_**Well then I suggest you be careful about how you handle this situation.**_

_**Yeah.**_

"I can't believe you just said that." Rachel's voice was low, and it seemed to snap Quinn out of her frozen state of shock.

"It's ok Rach. He's right, well no, he's completely wrong… but he's right that he has no reason to trust me. None the less, I'm not going anywhere, and since you know that none of that is true then I'm not particularly concerned about what he thinks of me." She stabbed a grape and deliberately put it in her mouth, her eyes on him the entire time.

"And why would she know that, because you told her otherwise? You, the girl who convinced Finn he was the father of her child for more than half of her pregnancy? Yeah, you're a pillar of honesty. Whatever lies you told her to use her for whatever sick game you're playing now are clearly not working anymore, and now that she's coming back to her sense, she can finally move past this and date someone worth her time."

"Kurt!" Rachel's fork dropped loudly into her bowl as she managed to chastise him without saying anything beyond his name.

"Like who? You're brother?"

"As a matter of fact—"

"You know what Kurt, Quinn might need her space sometimes, and might freak out over things but when it counts she actually treats me better than Finn ever did in the entire time I was with him. Even when she's being a complete jerk she's more thoughtful than him, did you even bother to listen when I told you about the flowers she left for me?"

"Flowers, how thoughtful, like you can't just get them at any store within walking distance from the school"

"Actually, I had those specially ordered because they were shaped like stars, and I knew Rachel would get the role." She kept her eyes on her fruit even as she felt Rachel's gaze move to her.

"You did?"

"Yeah. I knew how important it was to you, and no one else deserved the part Rach, even if they did ask you to share the spotlight you're still the one that's going to be a star."

"So, she's suddenly better for you because of some flowers?"

"No Kurt, look, you have no idea what's really going on between us and just because Quinn and I had a fight it doesn't mean she'd hurt me the way Finn did… which I really don't want to talk about. So, just drop it ok?"

Kurt opened his mouth to respond, only to shut it when Blaine elbowed him gently in the ribs, earning a small glare from him. The sound of silverware clinking against ceramic became the only noise in the room as an uncomfortable silence spread tensely between them. Quinn finally broke the unbearable tension as she dropped her fork into her bowl and stood up from the table. "Well, at the risk of being accused of running away, I'm going to go upstairs and get dressed."

By the time the sun was dipping below the horizon, Quinn had almost forgotten her morning fighting with Kurt over breakfast, and the torturous hour and a half drive that had alternated between Blaine and Rachel rehearsing and Kurt shooting snide insults at Quinn. The little ball of ecstatic energy disguised as her daughter had her smiling brighter than she had in longer than she could remember. When the girl had finally begun to yawn and rub her eyes, Quinn felt a tug of sadness in her chest and she had scooped her up and held her close against her chest while making silly eating noises while telling her she was going to have 'little girl' for dinner. The child had giggled wildly while Shelby smiled from Quinn's side. Her heart had soared when Beth wrapped her small arms around Quinn's neck tightly when Shelby finally announced that it was time for the two of them to part from the group and head home. She was admittedly tempted to ride back with them when Puck took her and followed Shelby towards the exit, but Rachel was standing next to her smiling softly despite their rough morning.

She leaned over and took Rachel's hand and edged closer to whisper in her ear so Kurt and Blaine wouldn't hear her. "So, I packed a picnic for the two of us, I knew there would be nothing for you to eat here. Do you want to go have some dinner and talk?"

The smile on Rachel's face grew bigger and the tension between them eased slightly as she leaned into Quinn. "Yes."

"So, are you two ok with splitting up for dinner and meeting back here later?" She released Rachel to turn and focus on the only mildly calmed Kurt.

"We're not good enough to eat with now?"

She rolled her eyes. "I have something special planned for Rachel, if you don't mind. There's not exactly anything that she can eat here."

"While I love deep fried chemicals disguised as food, because it does so much for my complexion?"

"Kurt, I didn't bring enough for all of us, it didn't occur to me that you would care if we had some alone time."

"So I have to bend to what you want?"

"Oh my god, you are such a little—"

"Why don't we just drive back and we can all split up there and eat."

"Rach, I kind of have a whole plan here for the two of us."

"Well, perhaps you should have included everyone then."

"Kurt it's really not a big deal, we did kind of jump in on their plans for the day."

"Well, excuse me for wanting to spend time with my best friend."

"Fine, let's just go." Quinn turned and began to walk towards the car, annoyed by the boy's insistence to ruin her day. When she realized they weren't following she paused to look back then folded her arms across her chest and leaned against the fence at the edge of the deserted petting zoo while she watched them talk from the slight distance. She was staring at the back of Kurt's head when she heard someone say what sounded like her name. Her brow furrowed and her arms tightened as she heard her name more clearly and she looked back in front of her just in time to see familiar brown eyes looking up at her as the girl rapidly approached with a big smile on her face.

"Quinn! Oh, my god, I can't believe you're here. It's so good to see you!" She put her hands on Quinn's folded arms and reached up on her tip toes before Quinn could even respond, and planted a kiss firmly on her lips, letting her hands linger on her arms while she gently rubbed circles with one thumb against pale skin.

_**Fuck. **_

_**You can say that again.**_

_**What do I do?**_

_**I have no idea.**_

_**Fuck.**_

She remained frozen where she stood, just blinking down at the girl that still stood with her hands resting on her still folded arms. Her state of shock kept her from noticing that the others had come over when they had seen the girl kiss Quinn, missed Rachel standing right next to her.

"I missed you so much, why did you just disappear without saying goodbye? You just left. I thought I meant enough to you for, at the very least a phone call, especially after _that nigh_t." She pouted, and Quinn swallowed thickly against the eerie similarity between the expression and the way Rachel pouted when she wanted something.

"I, I had to get back for school." Her voice was low, her tone matching the paleness of her face after the color had completely drained when the girl had leaned up and kissed her.

"Oh god, don't remind me how young you are! I feel like such a perv when I remember that. When do you turn eighteen again?"

"Last month."

"Well that changes things, now doesn't it?" She smiled in the flirtiest fashion Quinn had ever seen and suddenly lifted a hand to run it through Quinn's choppy blonde hair. "I love that you've gone back to blonde, it really suits you, not that anything would ever look bad on you." Her fingers followed the line of her jaw and whispered across her throat, causing Quinn to swallow again as she fought the slight shudder that passed through her body.

"Thanks."

"So, why haven't you called? And don't tell me you lost my number, because we both know it's in your phone." Her voice was deep, throaty, and the slight accent permeated Quinn's senses and screamed loudly that this was not Rachel. Dark eyes smiled up at her and she felt a wave of panic spike across her stomach as she realized just how much the woman looked like Rachel, even as something pointed out that her eyes were a lighter shade, more milk chocolate than dark and lacking the almost burgundy highlights. She wondered how she had never noticed the difference and she suddenly realized the girl was still speaking to her with one hand on her shoulder so her thumb rested against her throat, while the other still rubbed gentle circles on her arm and she stiffened. "…I mean, I know you're young and things got weird for a while after that night, but we were still close. I really thought we might have a chance at something real someday, and then you just disappeared."

_**What the fuck are you doing?**_

_**Welcome back to the party, where the hell have you been?**_

_**Why are you just standing here, letting her touch you?**_

_**I have no idea, I just froze. **_

_**Apparently. What do you think Rachel is—**_

_**Oh my god Rachel!**_

"I—" She took in a shaky breath as she heard someone clear their throat beside her and she closed her eyes for a second before she turned her head to see dark eyes flashing furiously at her. "Um… this is Carmen, this is…" She trailed off as Rachel's eyes widened then narrowed when recognition of the name set in and her entire body tensed dangerously before Quinn's gaze.

"Rachel." She gritted, ignoring the look on Quinn's face as she reached up and rubbed her own forehead while Rachel extended a hand towards Carmen, her tone suddenly shifting to a sickly saccharine as she oozed fake friendliness towards Carmen. "Quinn's _girlfriend_… for now." The last two words were whispered, swallowed under her fake smile, only audible to Quinn who finally snapped out of her daze and disentangled herself from Carmen.

"Oh. Um, hi, it's nice to meet you Rachel." Quinn tried to smile but winced slightly as Rachel dropped her hand to hers, and squeezed it to the point of discomfort.

"It's nice to meet you, too. I've heard so much about you." Quinn was certain Rachel could pull off any role she wanted to after that seemingly sweet response, especially as she felt the hand in her own tighten its grip even further, displaying the level of anger she would have to deal with. A moment of awkward silence stretched between the three women as Rachel continued to watch Carmen, the fire in her eyes belying the forced sweetness in her voice.

"Well, I guess that's why you didn't call." She laughed uncomfortably as Rachel forced a smile onto her face in response. Quinn arched an eyebrow, her mouth opening without any actual sound actually coming out as she stared at the woman that stood before her.

"Well, this is awkward." All three heads swiveled to look at Kurt, who was studying his nails nonchalantly, the smugness in his voice belying his supposedly casual stance.

Carmen laughed lightly and took a step backwards towards the group of women she had deserted to approach Quinn. A few of them waved and smiled in Quinn's direction before they went back to talking amongst themselves.

"As much as I love this moment, do you think we could get on with it?" He turned away, clearly headed towards the parking lot.

"Um, we really should get going, but it was, um, nice to you know, see you Carmen."

Her smiled brightened as Quinn spoke to her, and her head tilted to the left as she looked up at her. "It was certainly a surprise. It was lovely to meet you Rachel, I hear plenty about you over the summer, it's nice to put a face to a name. Anyway, have a safe trip home, and Quinn, I better hear from you or I'll have to hunt you down."

Quinn smiled weakly as the woman turned and walked away, her gaze shifting to Rachel, who still had a death grip on her hand and clenched her jaw tightly. "So, she's very pretty."

"Um, what?"

"Since we have the car keys, we should probably follow Kurt and Blaine, before he starts calling us incessantly to come and let him into the car."

"Rachel—"

"I wasn't getting anywhere with convincing him to stay before that… _spectacle_ anyway."

_**Why isn't she freaking out at me?**_

_**I don't know but her being so angry she's quiet is fucking terrifying.**_

"Ok, let's go." Rachel nodded and started to walk towards to the entrance as she dropped Quinn's hand to leave her to follow behind.

The car was dead silent as they pulled out of the fairgrounds parking lot. Quinn was gripping the steering wheel so tight her knuckles were white, and she kept glancing over at the stony silent girl beside her. She hadn't really expected the ride back to be completely uneventful, but she had expected Kurt to be the one talking, so she was surprised to hear Rachel's quiet voice break the silence.

"She kissed you." Her voice was so low Quinn had to strain to hear it, even in the relatively quiet car.

"I know."

"You, didn't really stop her."

"I was shocked. I didn't expect to see her there, and I definitely didn't expect her to kiss me. That was… unexpected." She finished awkwardly, her eyes noticing that Kurt rolled his eyes in the rear view mirror and opened his mouth to speak, only stopping when Blaine leaned over and whispered something in his ear.

"Are you sure about that?"

"About what?"

"That it was unexpected."

"Why would I expect that?"

"You tell me."

"I can't, because I don't know Rach, as I said it was unexpected."

"It didn't seem unexpected."

"Well, it was."

Kurt snorted and Rachel turned her head sharply to glare at him, and he shrank back into his seat until she moved her gaze back to the windshield, silence settling across the car once more. Quinn almost jumped when Rachel's voice once again sliced through the quiet after several long minutes of the drumming of Quinn's fingers anxiously on the steering wheel had taken over. "How could it have been unexpected given her attitude towards you?"

"Because I'm not her…"

"She was all over you, she could barely contain her desire to… for you. That doesn't exactly make it seem like it would be a surprise to you, especially after she said she had expected to be with you at some point."

"Rachel—"

"It seemed to me as though she expected you to kiss her back, to just pick up wherever you obviously left off with her."

"I don't—"

"Which was also, obviously not exactly where you led me to believe you left off with her."

"Um, can we stop at the next gas station please?" Blaine's voice was a welcome sound to Quinn, and she nodded at him and moved over to be able to get off at the next exit, grateful to him for realizing they obviously needed a few minutes alone.

Rachel was quiet for a few seconds, watching as they approached the exit, suddenly sitting forward in her seat and speaking once again. "In fact, it seems as though you might have had a _much _different relationship with her than I was led to believe."

"Can you just—"

"So different, that she looked like she half expected you to just rip her—"

"Just ask me Rachel." She winced as she realized her voice was raised and she tightened her grip on the steering wheel and bit her lip as she looked for the welcome lights of a gas station and found none in the distance.

"Fine. Did you sleep with her?"

"No."

"Why don't I believe you?"

"I wouldn't lie to you Rachel."

Kurt snorted again and Quinn glared at him in the mirror before she noticed that Rachel was just ignoring him this time, clearly no longer calm enough to acknowledge his presence. "We talked about her, I asked you about her. So you already lied to me."

"I didn't lie, I said we were mostly friends, and we were."

"Is that seriously your response to me? You're seriously trying to get out of this on a technicality? A poor one at that, since I asked you specifically about her and you changed the subject."

"Because there's nothing to talk about."

"If there was nothing to talk about, then why did you forget I was there?"

"I was in shock, I didn't want to see her there."

"You mean in front of me?"

"No, I—"

"You forgot my name."

"I didn't forget your name, I was struggling with the situation and you introduced yourself before I could finish."

"You also failed to mention that you had a girlfriend, you know, me, the person you forgot was there when _Carmen_ appeared."

"That's not what happened."

"From my point of view, you let another woman kiss you and, and _touch you_, then ignored me while she flirted shamelessly with you right in front of me. Then you had to almost be forced into introducing me. At which point in time I had to be the one to tell her you weren't available." Quinn was silent, trying to control her own anger. She knew she had no reason to be angry, Rachel had every reason to be saying everything that was coming out of her mouth. Her defense mechanism had been anger for so long though, and she was desperately trying not to let it control her, to calm down enough to respond rationally, appropriately. "So now I mean so little to you that you can't even respond to me." She heard the pain in Rachel's voice, recognizing that she was on the verge of tears and her anger dissipated.

"Rachel—"

"You know what, forget it. Maybe you were right, maybe you aren't ready for this relationship. Or maybe I'm just stupid for believing we had something, apparently it's a common misconception." And with that, the anger flared back to life, too strong to contain this time.

"Let me get this straight, I bend over backwards trying to do everything in my power to be a better person just to be with you, and it means nothing because I was shocked to see someone I was genuinely hoping to never see again? Did it ever occur to you that it was painful for me to be faced with that part of my life? Did you ever stop for one second and think about why I was standing there with no idea what to do? God, Rachel, I have been busting my ass to try and show you how much I love you and you just want to end it the second I don't do things the way the perfect Rachel Berry wants me to. Did you even think about how hard all of this is for me? Did you ever stop and wonder about the fact that I might be hurting, that seeing her might be something I would never want." She stopped as she realized that she was yelling, that she had lost control of herself in a car, in the middle of nowhere in front of Kurt and Blaine. She sighed and rubbed her hand across her forehead, trying to hold back the angry tears behind her eyelids, as she stared at the road in front of her. The car was quiet as Quinn reigned her anger back in, regretting her loud outburst. After a few minutes she pushed down on the brakes a little too hard and the car came to a rather abrupt stop. "I don't know where we are. Clearly the gas station was in another direction."

Quietly Blaine leaned forward and pointed behind them. "We've just gone a few miles off course in the wrong direction, if you turn around and go back the way we came we'll hit the highway, and potentially the gas station just past it."

She took in a shaky breath and turned the car around, her eyes quickly averting back to the road when she spotted Kurt staring at her in the rear view mirror, an unreadable expression on his face. Her hands tightened on the wheel once more and she began to wonder why he was looking at her so strangely when Rachel's quiet voice silenced her thoughts once more.

"Did you… did you just say that you loved me?"

_**Son of a bitch. You are such a fucking idiot.**_

_**Ok, fine you win, I'm an idiot.**_

_**You refused to say it last night when it would have been appropriate, only to yell it at her in a fit of anger over her very deserved annoyance with you? Are you serious?**_

_**Yes. Thank you, I am aware of the level of stupidity.**_

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I was upset and I lost my temper, I didn't even realize what I was saying." She inhaled a deep breath of relief as she spotted the gas station and quickly pulled into a parking spot and turned to face Rachel the second the car was in park, barely even acknowledging that Blaine was attempting to pull Kurt out of the backseat to give them some privacy.

"So, you didn't mean it…"

"I'm fucking this up so much right now. I so desperately want to redo this whole conversation."

"So then why don't you?" She could hear the anger in Rachel's voice again and she sighed.

"Maybe we should take a minute and get some fresh air, and calm down before we finish this conversation."

"Whatever. If you want air, go get it." She glared out of the windshield, refusing to spare even a glance in Rachel's direction. She knew she would be crying. She knew it was her fault. She had seriously screwed up just as the tension between them had finally eased. She wasn't even sure how to fix this.

_**You are going to try though right? Because right now you are just sitting there being an idiot while the girl you LOVE is sitting next to you heartbroken.**_

_**I think I've had enough of you for one day.**_

_**It's so not my fault that you are so stupid all the time. **_

_**You know what, no, if you hadn't put it in my head to tell her I loved her it probably wouldn't have slipped out. **_

_**You're saying this is my fault? Are you serious right now? You are going to sit here and argue with yourself over why you said something stupid instead of fixing it. Do you have any idea how ridiculous that is?**_

_**I think I have an idea.**_

_**I don't. I think you are being stupid again. I also think you need to knock it the fuck off and talk to her before you make it worse and lose her altogether.**_

_**I don't know what to say.**_

_**How about you start with 'I'm sorry'.**_

_**That's stupid.**_

_**Why?**_

_**Because...it's...actually I should say that.**_

Quinn took in a slow calming breath and rubbed her tired eyes before she finally spoke once again.

"Rachel, I'm sorry." She finally turned her head and wished she hadn't. Rachel was staring at her own hands as they lay in her lap, her entire body tense, the evidence of her tears displayed by smudged mascara. "I didn't handle that well. I know I didn't. And, I didn't handle this argument well either. I… I didn't go into detail about her because I feel guilty."

"So something did happen with her, and you lied to me about it."

"No… I feel guilty for using her. I, I was drunk and I made out with her because I was talking about you and she reminded me of you and I just… I even said your name. It was not a proud moment in my life, and I just wanted to forget it ever happened."

"Define, _made out._"

"Jesus Rachel, what do you want? A play by play?"

"I want to know if the woman who kissed _my_ girlfriend tonight has done more with her than I have, because it certainly seemed like it." She finally turned and looked Quinn in the eye, defiantly at that, demanding an answer.

"I'm not really sure what you would consider more."

"I think that answers my question."

"No, it's just, she was a stripper too, she would help me put the body paint on, and we've seen each other naked countless times. You and I haven't seen each other naked. The kissing itself wasn't as intense as our make outs have been, it wasn't the way it is with you. Things were awkward because she knew how young I was, and I knew I liked her because she looked like you."

"Why did you think you couldn't tell me that?"

"Do you seriously want me to tell you everyone I've ever kissed, because there have been spin the bottle games at parties and that could take a while. I didn't sleep with her, it didn't matter."

"That's not the same thing Quinn. This is different, you had an actual relationship with her, even if it was mostly one sided she seemed to think she mattered."

"Well she didn't."

"Did she know that? Did you lead her on? She genuinely seemed to believe you would call her and be with her at some point Quinn."

"I don't know why she thought that. We had a conversation about it, I told her I didn't feel that way about her."

Her voice lowered even further and her eyes dropped back down to her own lap. "Why did you have to let her kiss you in front of me? Do you know what that felt like?"

"I would imagine it felt a little bit like the churning pain in my stomach I felt yesterday when I saw Finn pawing at you in the hallway."

Her head snapped back to face her, eyes blazing once again. "That is _not_ the same thing, how dare you try to—"

"I wasn't, Rach, I was just saying that I know it hurt. I'm sorry she kissed me, I'm even more sorry that I didn't know what to do and just let her. It didn't mean anything, I don't feel for her what I do for you, you have to know that. You have to know how I feel about you."

She was quiet for a few seconds while she fidgeted with her hands in her lap. "Do I?"

Quinn reached out to her to take her hand, then faltered as she realized the touch might not be welcome and she pulled back. Rachel rolled her eyes and made a strangled noise in her throat, her hand going for the door, the other reaching for her seatbelt. "Wait, please."

She stopped, but remained facing the passenger window with her back to Quinn.

"I shouldn't have told you I loved you like that. I'm sorry." She watched Rachel tense even further and heard a small stifled sniffle, and silently wished for the thousandth time she could re-do the night.

"Why did you say that?"

"Because I've been trying not to since last night." Rachel spun in her seat to meet Quinn's gaze, her eyes watery.

"What?"

"I was afraid to say it."

"So you thought yelling it at me would be the best way to go?"

"I was upset, I wasn't thinking about what I was saying before it came out."

"So you were planning on saying it at some point though."

"Yes. Apparently I am spectacular at fucking everything up though."

"I know you said it to me before, but…" She trailed off and dropped her gaze once again.

"It's different now that we're together, I know. I know you thought that maybe I thought I was in love with the idea of you and that it had changed since we've gone through all of this, but, I really am in love with you."

"How can you completely say the wrong thing one minute and then be so perfect the next?"

"It's a gift."

The car filled with silence for longer than Quinn thought she could handle, and then Rachel sighed and sat back in her seat. "Don't do that again, ok? I don't want to feel like I don't matter to you again, it hurts too much now."

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you feel like that. I wanted to have the picnic with you and talk to you so I could make you feel important, cherished. The way you made me feel the other night when you kissed every single scar, the way I should have made you feel the next morning but couldn't." Rachel's entire demeanor softened at the mention of the previous night, and she turned her head to look at her. "I know how screwed up I am, I do. But I also know that each day it gets a little easier to make myself stick around during the difficult stuff, to open up to you. I, I just don't want to lose you Rachel." She knew her voice was deep and raw, the rasp giving away the intense emotion she was obviously feeling in that moment.

She sighed again and was quiet until she heard Quinn inhale and watched her wipe away a tear that spilled down her cheek. She lifted one hand and wiped away a tear as it fell from the other hazel eye. "You're not going to lose me. You make me seriously furious sometimes, but I wouldn't be fighting with you like this, be hurting like this if I wanted to end things."

"I'm so sorry for everything Rachel, I don't care how long it takes me, I'll find a way to make all of this up to you I promise."

"You know, it's kind of ironic."

"What is?"

"You woke up after showing me your scars, terrified of how I'd see you, terrified that something was different.." She paused when Quinn opened her mouth, obviously surprised, and she forged on interrupting her. "…I get you more than you realize, don't seem so surprised. But, the thing is, that night is the reason I'm going to forgive you for this. It's the reason we'll get past this. You've been through so much, been so hurt by the people that you should have been able to trust and yet here you are, opening yourself up to me despite all of that. You were so vulnerable and willing to risk everything, knowing how fragile you were and how much I could hurt you. I, I know you didn't hurt me on purpose last night, or tonight, and because of the other night I know how hard you're trying. So, I'm going to do my best to push past this and remind myself how hard that must have been for you to do."

"Thank you Rachel."

"Just, don't do it again, ok? Talk to me from now on, I can't keep doing this."

She tensed and bit her lip as she stared over in amazement at Rachel, her voice quiet enough that Rachel could choose to say she didn't hear her if she wanted to when she spoke. "Can I hold you for a minute?"

A small noise escaped Rachel's throat and she leaned forward and pulled Quinn into an embrace. Quinn closed her eyes, and tightened her arms when she felt the girl pulling back all too soon, relief flooding her when she felt lips gently press against her own in a small kiss that seemed to somehow genuinely convince her that they would actually survive this.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Quinn yawned and rubbed her eyes as she felt an arm tighten around her back. She smiled, surprised at how well rested she felt with such a small amount of sleep. After the weekend of fighting the slow awkward return to a semblance of normalcy had finally culminated when Rachel simply kissed her in bed the night before. One kiss that had quickly escalated and melted the remaining tension between them until Quinn had finally pulled back, breathless, to smile down at Rachel. She wasn't even entirely sure how late they had stayed up talking, she just knew that she regretted wasting so much time being awkward when it had been so easy to channel it all into the deeply intense kisses they shared.

She opened her eyes and smiled even wider against the warm skin of the warm chest beneath her cheek, before she tipped her head back and placed a small lingering kiss against the throat in front of her. Rachel made a small sound, and Quinn turned her attention to the expanse of stomach that lay before her, grateful that Rachel's shirt had ridden up during the night. She lightly ran one long finger down towards the line of her shorts, tracing small random patterns against the flesh, memorizing the way the muscles contracted under her touch.

"Mmmm, don't ever stop that." She felt a small shudder run through her at the throaty quality to the voice that emanated from the girl that lay beneath her.

"Like that, do you?"

"You have no idea."

"I'll have to remember that." She leaned forward and gently pulled a small patch of flesh above Rachel's hip in between her teeth. She felt her back arch as a hand slid under her shirt and began to tease the skin across her shoulder blades. She lifted her head and smiled up at the dark eyes that fluttered open to look at her. "I didn't realize how sensitive my skin is there, I would have thought it wouldn't be."

Rachel sighed softly and lifted her other hand to brush blonde hair behind one ear. "I should have said this sooner, but, I think that you should know, they aren't as bad as you think. They're fine, you…" She leaned forward and emphasized her words with a soft kiss against Quinn's lips. "…are completely beautiful. It's nothing."

"You're so biased."

"I am not. They're really not that bad."

She smiled at the indignant tone in Rachel's voice and shook her head. "That's not entirely true. I know there's a few across my back that are kind of thick, and I know you can see the lines on the sides of my breasts and across my shoulders, he seemed to hit me with the belt there the most and I know how much more makeup Carmen…" She felt Rachel tense beneath her and she scrunched up her nose before she continued, annoyed that she had casually used the name. "…used to cover that area."

"Just white lines. Nothing that could ever take away from your natural beauty Quinn, I promise. Anyone would be beyond lucky to see you naked. Not that I would ever let them now." Quinn rolled her eyes and laughed lightly, lifting her head to kiss soft lips. "I want to say something without you taking it the wrong way."

"Um, ok."

"I, I'm perfectly fine with not having sex yet, I'm not saying this to push you into it, or anything."

"Wait, what? I never-"

"No wait, I'm not done. I, just, want you to know that I still want you. In fact, even though it hardly seems possible...I want you more now that I've seen that beautiful body. I just wanted to preface that, so you didn't think I was trying to pressure you or anything." Quinn blinked, unsure what to say in response that wouldn't lead to ripping Rachel's clothes off her body.

_**I love you.**_

_**Say it.**_

_**No.**_

_**Why not?**_

_**I don't want to scare her.**_

_**Seriously? You told her over the weekend and she didn't exactly respond badly.**_

_**I can't, not again. I really need to stop saying it until she's ready to say it back, I don't want to push her into feeling like she has to say it back.**_

_**That's ridiculous, you're a giant chicken, just say it, stop being such a wuss.**_

_**I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that.**_

_**You're being stupid, she won't be frightened. She's told you more than once that she felt something for you for years. **_

_**That doesn't mean I should say that every five seconds, she knows how I feel, once is enough for now.**_

_**Years, Quinn.**_

_**No. She's not ready to say it back. **_

_**Years.**_

_**Stop saying years, you sound like a demented parrot.**_

_**You're an idiot.**_

_**Well you're afraid. **_

_**Didn't I just say that?**_

_**Chicken.**_

_**If you make a chicken sound at me I swear I will sing the Oscar Meyer song for the rest of the day.**_

_**You're being ridiculous, just say it. **_

_**My bologna has a first name it's o.s.c...**_

_**FINE! But for the record, that wasn't a chicken sound.**_

"You're amazing Rach, I love you."

She smiled tremulously and leaned forward to offer a deep kiss. One hand slid up into Quinn's hair as she pulled her further up against her body, a small frustrated groan escaping as the alarm went off beside their heads. "Mmm, I don't want to get up."

"Rachel Berry doesn't want to go to school, that's a first." She shifted her attention to Rachel's throat, nipping and sucking her way up to her earlobe, which she pulled into her mouth with her tongue pleased when she heard Rachel moan softly.

"Not when you do that, I don't."

She smiled and pulled back. "Well, we can't stay in bed all day today anyway, your father's come home today and they'll definitely hate me if they find us in here in the middle of the day."

Rachel froze in the middle of leaning forward to recapture Quinn's lips. "Today's Wednesday? All ready? I can't believe the week went by so quickly… I'm so sorry Quinn."

"For what?"

"We should have done something special last night, since it was our last night together."

She smiled and kissed her again, finding the worried look on her face adorable. "Rach, it's not like we'll never see each other, and you're more than welcome to come stay with me whenever you want."

"I noticed you didn't say you'll stay here though."

"I can't stay here once your fathers are home. They have to hate me."

"I'll talk to them about it. I'll make them see how important you are. They've never been able to resist my puppy eyes before."

"Who can?" She averted her gaze and pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. "Does that mean you're going to tell them about us?"

"Did you not want me to?"

"I don't know. I don't want them to hate me even more than they already do."

"They won't hate you for loving me, Quinn."

"Come on, Rach, they're your parents. Not only did I torture you for years, but now they're going to think of me as the girl that's probably defiling their daughter."

"Defiling? Really?"

"You know what I mean, it's not like they would ever consider us having an intimate relationship of any kind as a good thing."

She rolled her eyes and tilted her head to the side as she looked at her. "We're not even having sex Quinn, and you think I'm the drama queen."

She laughed and nipped lightly at her neck while she threaded their fingers together and snuggled even closer. "I know that, believe me I would have noticed if we were, but that doesn't mean that every time I'm alone with you I won't imagine them thinking we are."

"It's not like they don't know I've had sex. I cried about it with my daddy for hours after Finn left. Now him, they hate. They might be too happy that I broke up with him to be upset about you."

"You told them about that? That's so strange. I would never have talked to my parents about stuff like that."

"I'm close with them."

"Apparently. Wait, you won't talk to them about us when we-"

"God, Quinn, I didn't give him a description or anything. I was upset and he asked what was wrong and I started crying, it came out slowly through tears. Don't give me a reason to cry about it and we should be ok."

"I might have to just avoid sex with you until graduation." She smiled as she watched Rachel put on one of her famous pouty faces and she leaned forward to kiss her.

"Do you think I'm that resistible?"

"No, definitely not."

"Good." She kissed her softly, then glanced at the clock before she settled back down into the embrace they had been sharing, one finger tracing circles against the skin on Quinn's lower back beneath her t-shirt. Silence stretched out between them until Quinn tilted her head back to look up at the dark eyes that were staring distantly off into nothing above them. She ran her thumb across the soft skin that covered Rachel's defined cheek bone, smiling when her gaze drifted back down to her.

"Where did you go?"

"I was just thinking."

"About?"

"Finn and Carmen."

"That's not exactly a combination I expected."

"You cheated on Sam and Finn."

She pulled back and sat up, cross legged, to look down at her, ignoring the slightly hurt look on her face when she pulled away. "You think I'm going to cheat on you with Carmen?"

Rachel's hand reached for her, and she gently batted it away, her eyes demanding an answer. "No, that's not where I was going with that."

"Well, maybe you should clarify."

"I cheated on Finn with Noah, you cheated on Sam with Finn and you cheated on Finn with Noah. We don't have the best track records here, and while I realize after thinking about it, that you weren't flirting with Carmen… look, the reason we talked through that is because you were here, we were both here. But, now, with my fathers home…" She trailed off and Quinn bit her lip and watched her for a few minutes.

_**Calm down, she's not talking about you cheating. **_

_**She just did. **_

_**Yeah well, that's not what she meant, so don't just jump on that.**_

_**Yeah, well she could have gone about it differently.**_

_**Because you're always so eloquent and smooth?**_

_**Ok, fine. I'll be patient.**_

_**And understanding.**_

_**Fine.**_

_**Don't sound like it's such a hardship. And don't roll your eyes, she'll think you're rolling them at her.**_

_**Fine.**_

_**Use common sense here.**_

"So, you're afraid that because we won't be in each other's space and forced to deal with things that I'll run or you'll do something to get my attention the way we've done with other people in the past."

Rachel's eyes snapped up to hers, surprise evident in them. "Yeah."

"Don't look so surprised, I get things, I just don't always listen when I'm freaking out about something."

"Yeah well, you're not usually all calm and rational."

"I'm going to choose to ignore that. Look, Rach, I can't promise I won't freak out and be weird sometimes."

"That's not exactly what I was hoping you'd say."

"What I can promise, is that I'll always try to stand by you and if I do freak out I'll always come back and work it out. I can also promise that I'm not going to cheat on you. I wasn't in love with Sam or Finn, I said I was because I thought that I was supposed to, that love was just, I didn't know what it was then. I was confused and messed up, and I'm not confused about this, about you. I promise I'll do my best not to run anymore, ok?" She felt warmth spread across her body when Rachel peeked up at her through dark eyelashes before she leaned forward to kiss her softly, laughing at Quinn's groan when the alarm went off once again. "I seriously hate your alarm clock."

"Don't hate the messenger."

"I don't want to get out of bed yet."

She smiled and leaned forward, their lips pressing together while her hand pushed something on the clock. "You can have ten more minutes."

Quinn was still rubbing a towel across her wet head as she entered the auditorium, unaware of what the muffled conversation around her was about. She pulled the towel from her head, damp blonde hair poking in every direction as she tried to smooth it with her fingers, her brow furrowed when she realized Rachel was bright red with her hand over her face while Shelby was staring at Artie with her eyebrows raised and her hands on her hips, in a very Rachel like fashion.

"What? That's what the play is about, I think it's totally appropriate to discuss how the cast should bring their personal experiences into their performances in order to properly express—"

"Artie, I said it's not an appropriate discussion. Yes, the play is about…" She stuttered and her eyes darted to Rachel before they returned to Artie. "… romance, but the actors personal experience, or lack there of should not be brought up."

"How are they supposed to convince the audience that they passionately want each other if they don't know what it feels like to actually have se—"

"Is it really hot in here? Can we take a break? I think I need some water." Rachel's voice came out surprisingly high pitched as she avoided everyone's gaze and turned away to walk over to the metal scaffolding that bits of set were resting on and grabbed a water bottle.

"Yes, let's take fifteen minutes while I have a discussion with Artie about appropriate topics." Shelby turned away from the stage, her face coloring when she noticed Quinn looking at her. She quickly averted her gaze and walked in the opposite direction from Quinn, who furrowed her brow even further before she walked over to Rachel, her voice a whisper when she spoke.

"What the hell is going on?"

Rachel jumped and spilled water down the front of her shirt at the sound of Quinn's voice, her face turning an even darker shade of red when she accepted the damp towel Quinn handed to her. She muttered something completely unintelligible while she blotted at the water on her shirt, clearly uncomfortable as her eyes darted from her mother to Quinn and back again. Blaine appeared beside them his own whispered voice barely audible over the chatter that had taken over the auditorium. "He has a point Rachel, I mean, how are we supposed to sing about something if we haven't experienced it."

"Why is everyone insisting on talking about this? It's called acting."

"You don't have to be shy Rach, I'm a virgin too."

"Oh my god, I'm not a…" Her voice silenced immediately as she realized she could be heard by the people around her, including Shelby whose gaze was focused on Quinn who suddenly seemed to realize exactly why the woman was looking at her.

He lowered his voice even further and leaned in. "Wait, are you and Quinn…" He trailed off and gestured with his eyes towards Quinn.

Dark eyes darted to Quinn before they focused back on Blaine. "This conversation is completely ridiculous. To assume that every actor ever has experienced everything they portray in a role is the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard. I don't know what it's like to have a lover die in my arms and I still have to do the end of the show, that doesn't mean I'm going to go out and shoot Quinn just to know how to sing about it."

Quinn's eyebrow lifted, her own cheeks coloring slightly when she realized Rachel had referred to her as her lover, and she shot a nervous glance in Shelby's direction.

"Of course not, but if we're not selling passion in our performance, shouldn't we do everything we can to figure out how to understand that and put it into our roles?"

"So what are you suggesting here Blaine?" Her eyes darted back over to Quinn, her face red once again as Quinn finally snapped out of her shocked daze and walked quickly off the stage towards the front row of seats, her hand blocking her eyes from Shelby as she settled into a seat to stare at the floor in front of her.

_**Oh my god Shelby thinks I'm having sex with Rachel.**_

_**Well welcome to the conversation, and where have you been?**_

_**I've been mortified, that's where I've been.**_

_**What do I do? I can't exactly walk up to Shelby and be all 'oh she wasn't talking about me, I've mostly kept my hands to myself so far'. **_

_**Oh my god I dare you to say that.**_

_**You are seriously, like the least helpful person ever.**_

_**Well, come on, you're not going to actually do anything here. You're going to be red for a while and then just move on with your day. **_

_**Don't forget that I'll never be able to look Shelby in the eye, like ever. **_

_**You know, you haven't had sex with Rachel right?**_

_**Yeah but Shelby now thinks I did. **_

_**Rachel did admittedly turn bright red and refuse to look at you for a while. **_

_**Why did she have to do that?**_

_**I don't know, but I do know that I have no idea how to be around Shelby right now. **_

_**This sucks, if I have to do the time, I should at least get to do the crime.**_

_**Seriously, that's what you're thinking about right now?**_

_**What? I'm dealing with awkward suck for something I didn't even get to do.**_

_**Well, in all fairness, if anyone had witnessed that one night in the guest bedroom—**_

_**Why? Why would you bring that up right now, I'm going to turn red every time Rachel looks at me for the rest of rehearsal now… which will make me look even more guilty. **_

_**And then there's the make out session in your car the other night when Rachel straddled you in the back seat. **_

_**You seriously need to shut up.**_

_**Then there's the stuff you fantasize about happening when she finally stays at your apartment for the first time. **_

_**What will it take for you to stop talking? **_

_**Oh come on, you're dating, Shelby's not an idiot she knows you've had sex she's raising the proof.**_

_**You're right, she probably thinks I've corrupted Rachel in all sorts of depraved ways.**_

_**Depraved? Really? I'm with Rachel on this one, defiling, depraved, you really need to work on your vernacular when it comes to sex.**_

_**Come, on that has to be what parents think.**_

_**Why? Just because Russell said things like that, doesn't mean-**_

_**Oh my god she's coming over here, why the hell is she coming over here right now, she should be as far away from me as possible. **_

_**Lighten up, in the grand scheme of life, this is actually kind of funny. **_

_**Did you have a stroke or something? Funny? Do you do drugs when I'm not paying attention?**_

_**No, it's funny. She's going to get all wound up about this and you're going to have to talk her down so just relax and enjoy teasing her instead of freaking out over Shelby.**_

_**Tease her, about what?**_

_**About how she can use this to her advantage in the play.**_

_**Use what exactly?**_

_**Look, let's face it, when you are alone with her things get heated surprisingly quickly. She knows exactly what it is to want someone and that's what Artie was talking about when you tuned in to the conversation. **_

_**Hey, look at that, you actually said something helpful.**_

_**Watch it, or I won't do that again.**_

Quinn kept her eyes on the floor by Shelby's feet as Rachel sank into the theater seat beside her, aware that the woman was occasionally glancing over in their direction. She jumped when she felt something touch her neck and shifted sideways in her seat away from Rachel, her hand coming up to cover her face when Shelby shot her a strange look. She rolled her eyes at herself when she realized Rachel was holding the damp towel out to her, dark eyes avoiding her own. "You have blue syrup on your neck, I was just wiping it off."

_**Smooth move exlax.**_

_**Shut the hell up, it's your fault for talking about sex so much.**_

"Your mother thinks—"

"Believe me, I know what she thinks."

"Can you just go back up on stage, and never come near me around her again?"

"What?"__

_**She thinks you're being serious.**_

"I have no idea how I'm going to look at her ever again."

She paused, her voice even lower when she finally responded. "I could just tell her we haven't done anything."

_**She thinks you're upset with her, you need to lighten up the conversation like three sentences ago.**_

"Well that's not exactly true, now is it?" She turned enough to look at Rachel, her head still resting on her hand.

Rachel blushed and dropped her gaze to the floor. "This isn't funny Quinn."

"It's a little funny."

"Well, I for one, am not amused."

"Lighten up Rachel, it's no the end of the world."

"I will not lighten up. However inappropriate and embarrassing this whole fiasco may have been, Blaine has made a completely valid point that Artie is not completely mistaken."

_**Told you.**_

_**Wait, let me ask her to specify.**_

"Wait, about what? I wasn't here for the whole conversation Rachel."

She sighed and glanced around her before she gestured towards the back of the theater with her head and stood and walked away. Quinn furrowed her brow and rolled her eyes when she caught Shelby's gaze on her once again before she stood and followed, completely confused as she settled in a seat alone at the back of the theater with Rachel.

"You want to tell me what's going on here Rach?"

"This show is about passion and love, and sexual awakening in the two young lovers that have discovered what it is to want someone completely for the first time."

_**Do I even have to say I told you so.**_

_**You could, but I'd just tell you to shut up, so I really don't see the point.**_

"Um, ok…"

"How am I supposed to convey that if I don't, if I've only had one really regrettable and horrible experience that I would never want to repeat."

_**Well that's kind of hurtful, we've done… stuff.**_

_**I think she means full on sex.**_

_**Well yeah, but you don't have to have sex to feel what she's talking about.**_

_**Apparently she's not thinking about that. But it does seem that she's thinking about how to get that.**_

"What exactly are you getting at Rachel?"

"Blaine suggested that we should both, get experience, to draw from to better our performances."

_**Blaine's totally going to get you into Rachel's pants.**_

_**Stop that, I don't want it to happen like that.**_

_**Well, yeah, but can you even imagine Kurt's face if he knew that Blaine actually convinced Rachel to proposition you.**_

Quinn narrowed her eyes and stared up at the stage, a long silence stretching between them before she finally laughed and turned to look at Rachel.

"Why are you laughing?"

"Are you propositioning me? Like, actually propositioning me?"

_**Do not rip her clothes of, or kiss her.**_

_**Why would you even say that?**_

_**Because actually asking her if she was propositioning you is surprisingly hot since you know she is.**_

Her cheeks darkened and she ducked her head as one hand tucked her hair behind her ear and her voice lowered even further. "I don't think I'd word it like that."

Quinn bit her lip to hide her smile as she swallowed another laugh and leaned closer to Rachel to whisper in her ear, making sure her lips brushed against the shell of her ear. "Well, then how would you word it exactly?"

Rachel pushed her back and glared at her when Quinn laughed again. "This isn't funny, I'm being serious."

"That's what makes this situation even more ridiculous."

"Fine, if you aren't going to take me seriously then—"

"Then what? You'll ask someone else?" She laughed again and reached out to grab Rachel's arm when she stood up ready to storm away.

"This isn't a joke, I'm being genuine here, this role is important. It very well could be the first important role of my future career and I should do whatever it takes to make sure I'm prepared. I mean it."

"No, you're just freaking out and having a Rachel moment. You'll think about it more and realize that this is completely ridiculous and then you'll see that you already have what you're looking for and what you're asking for is something we'd both regret if I, for one crazy second, gave in and actually agreed to this."

"Are you suggesting that having…" She glanced around them, then rolled her eyes at herself and turned back to Quinn. "… sex with me would be crazy and regrettable?"

_**She's so fucking irresistible when her eyes get all big and intense like that.**_

_**Focus! **_

_**Right, sorry.**_

She bit down the smile that threatened to fill her features again as she took in how adorable Rachel looked as she sat with her arms folded refusing to look at Quinn, and she leaned forward to whisper in her ear once again. "No, I'm suggesting that our first time shouldn't be like this. It should be spontaneous, and a moment where we just look at each other and know that we don't want to stop this time, know that we need to pick up where words leave off."

Every ounce of tension left Rachel's body and she dropped her arm to the arm rest between them, her fingers brushing against Quinn's knee as she leaned closer.

"We both regret our first time having sex Rach, let's not regret the first time we both make love to someone." She made sure no one was looking and brushed her fingers across Rachel's neck and placed one quick kiss beneath her ear as she lifted the towel in front of them as if she were moving it to wipe away more water from Rachel's shirt. "However, if you really need inspiration to know what it is to completely want someone, I would be more than happy to spend an hour or two reminding you exactly how things were between us when I was staying at your house, say in the guest bedroom that night for example, or in the back seat of my car, or… should I go on?"

A small shudder passed through Rachel and she turned her head to catch the hazel eyes that were barely containing the mixture of amusement and lust that Quinn was obviously feeling. She angled her head in preparation for the kiss that her body was pulling her towards, her hands clenching onto the armrest when Quinn suddenly pulled back and turned to sit nonchalantly beside her. "What just happened?"

Quinn grinned and turned to glance at her, keeping her distance. "Wanted to kiss me did you?"

Rachel nodded and her eyebrows came together in confusion at the brilliant smug grin on Quinn's face. "Why—"

"I'm not going to kiss you here Rach, unless you want to give the rest of the cast, and your mother a show that you normally have to buy on pay per view."

She glanced around the theater, suddenly seeming to realize where they were. "You're, a tease." She seemed to sound surprised, as if she was suddenly coming to a realization, and liking her discovery.

She smiled, eyes flashing. "I've been called worse, but I believe I gave you exactly what you asked for. Now get up there and…" She trailed off and leaned forward, her voice dropping to a husky whisper as she watched Rachel's eyes follow her tongue as it ran along her own teeth. "…and sing about passion."

Quinn bit down on her bottom lip, her eyes flashing as she glanced up at Rachel when she felt the leg underneath her fingers twitch in response to the gentle teasing pattern she was drawing on it beneath the script that hid her actions. A small noise escaped Rachel's throat and she quickly took a sip of the water in her hand before she attempted to turn her attention to the salad in front of her on the floor.

"What are you doing?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about Rach."

"Oh really?"

"I'm simply helping you go over lines while we eat." She smiled and let her fingers drift up Rachel's thigh, silently grateful for the shorts she had changed into after Quinn had suggested that her short skirt might not be the best idea if she was going to climb the scaffolding to rehearse the fire escape scene.

"This is your idea of help, is it?"

"Are you suggesting that I'm not helpful, because I could always go eat my dinner with Santana." She dropped a hand beside her on the stage and moved to stand, smirking slightly when Rachel grabbed her wrist and rolled her eyes.

"Perhaps I should clarify that you are actually quite helpful, as they teach me to concentrate while people around me are creating distractions."

"Yeah well, if Blaine starts to feel up your leg mid scene, we've got bigger problems than you concentrating."

Rachel giggled while Quinn settled back into her spot beside her on the floor and spread the script back over her wandering hand. "Speaking of which, why haven't you invited me to stay at your apartment yet?"

"How is that what we were talking about?"

Rachel blushed and ducked her head while she tucked her hair behind her ear. "You mentioned that you were, doing things, to my leg."

"And that brought out the less eloquent blushy Rachel, did it? The one that's asking about spending the night at my apartment." She arched an eyebrow and spread her hand against the skin of the thigh hidden by the script.

"You haven't answered the question."

"I didn't realize you needed an invitation. I seem to recall telling you that you could stay anytime."

"Well, it's Friday."

"That it is."

"So…"

"And where will you tell your father's you are?"

"At a friends."

"Scandalous."

"Quinn…"

"Rachel."

"Don't you want me to stay?" Her voice shifted away from her playful tone and Quinn dropped the playful banter and leaned forward to whisper her response.

"Rach, I've been dying to spend the night with you again. A month is way too long to go without feeling you next to me at night." She smiled when Rachel turned towards her, her body swaying slightly towards her as she fought the urge to kiss her right there in front of everyone.

_**Kiss her.**_

_**No, she might not be ready to be out to the school.**_

_**She wants to kiss you.**_

_**She can kiss me later, when we're alone. **_

"Hey Rach."

Quinn turned her head, her eyes narrowing when she looked up to see Finn standing above them with his typical goofy grin on his face.

_**He seriously resembles a cartoon stoner dog.**_

_**What, like Scooby doo?**_

_**No, dumber.**_

"Hello Finn."

Quinn rolled her eyes and turned her attention to the sandwich she had completely forgotten about while she had been focused on teasing Rachel.

"How are rehearsals going?"

"Fine."

"It's coming up soon, next weekend right?"

"Yes."

"Are you excited?"

"Sure."

"Do you have all of your lines memorized?"

"Mostly."

"I know you were totally awesome at remembering lines last year, so it must have been pretty easy for you."

"Yeah, sure Finn."

"Kurt said you guys were going to watch the movie one last time together tomorrow night, do you know where you're going to do that yet?"

"No, why?"

"Well, because our parents are out of town, so I was going to tell Kurt he should do it at our house."

She glanced over at Quinn, who narrowed her eyes at the boy and dropped her sandwich back into the Styrofoam container. "What are you even doing here Finn?"

He frowned as he turned his attention to Quinn, obviously annoyed that she was interrupting his flirting. "Kurt forgot his script, I dropped it off for him."

"And you stayed because…"

"You guys are on dinner break, what's the difference?"

Her eyebrow arched and she gestured towards the script in her hand before she pushed herself up from the floor. "Rachel mentioned that she wanted to go over some lines, I promised I would help her, so if you would excuse us."

"I can go over them with her."

"Excuse me?" She stopped and turned to see Rachel a few steps behind her with Finn's hand on her arm.

"Come on, I helped you with Cabaret lines, I could totally help you with these. It'll be fun, like old times, and maybe I could stay and watch and then give you a ride home tonight."

"We all know how you _helped _her back then Finn. Your supposed _assistance _is the last thing she needs."

He narrowed his eyes and turned his head to look at her, his mouth open to retort when Rachel's voice quietly demanded his attention. "What do you want from me Finn? Why are you really here?"

"I want you Rachel."

"You, what?"

"I've been thinking about it, ever since you broke up with me, and I know I made some mistakes this summer but I want to fix it. We can get it back, we can get us back. I still love you Rachel, and I know you still love me." He leaned forward and kissed her, his hand dwarfing and hiding the features of her face when he quickly sealed his lips over hers.

Quinn's mouth opened to scream at him to get off of Rachel, but no sound came out, her entire body frozen on the spot as she watched him lean into the kiss. By the time the cold tingling feeling made its way up her spine Rachel had shoved him back and slapped him across the face.

_**He just kissed her. **_

_**And where were you a minute ago when I wanted to get him off of her?**_

_**She got him off just fine. **_

_**That wasn't my question. **_

_**You want to know, really know that she chooses you then let her choose.**_

_**What if she doesn't choose me.**_

_**She already did, she pushed him away, she slapped him. Now she's going to give him a piece of her mind. **_

_**But, what if—**_

_**She chose you. Now, you just have to not freak out and stand here and show her you're not going anywhere. **_

_**But he just kissed her. **_

_**Yeah, and Carmen kissed you, in front of her and it meant nothing to you.**_

_**Carmen isn't my ex.**_

_**She's close enough. **_

_**But—**_

_**No buts. Just stand here and let her ramble and then show her that you know it didn't mean anything. **_

_**I hate this. **_

_**Well, now you know how she felt. **_

"What is wrong with you? Why do you constantly think that you can just kiss me whenever you want? You're always doing this, you did it in New York and cost us a competition and now you're doing it here where you could have cost me something even more important."

"Um, like what? You're not gonna lose the lead because I kiss you."

"No, I, you need to get it through your head that I'm not yours. I am not property that you can just come and lay some sort of claim on whenever you feel like it. I broke up with you for a reason and I've moved on, and you need to do the same. I can't believe you, do you have any idea what you could have just done?" Her mind seemed to switch gears, to realize that Quinn was standing beside them silently. She pushed his arms away when they reached for her and took the two steps to Quinn, her expression still manic. "Quinn, I'm so sorry, I didn't know he was going to kiss me. It wasn't—"

_**She chose you.**_

_**I told you she would.**_

_**She didn't even hesitate. All she cares about right now is me, she wants me to know I'm the one that matters to her.**_

She stopped when she felt his hand on her arm once again. "Why are you apologizing to her? She has nothing to do with us. This is about you and me, we can have the future you said you wanted, we can fix this, we can be happy."

_**She's already happy with me.**_

"No. You need to stop. This isn't a game, I'm a person with feelings, and you don't have any right to act like this."

_**Tell her it's ok, tell her you don't care that he kissed her.**_

"But I apologized, and we can start over, and this time—"

_**She's still talking to him.**_

"So, just because you apologized I'm supposed to suddenly feel something for you again? I'm over you, this is done, for good."

_**Is she? Because, it seems to me like she wants to talk to you, like she is going to work herself up into a manic Rachel moment worrying that he screwed things up between you and her. Fix it. **_

_**There are people around.**_

_**What people? They don't matter.**_

"No, you can't mean that, we're meant for each other Rachel. I promise, we can—"

Quinn reached forward and gently touched Rachel's wrist, bringing her attention back to her. The world melted away as she stared down into her eyes, the realization that Rachel had immediately chosen her without a doubt in her mind fully sinking into her thoughts.

"It's ok Rach." Her voice was surprisingly calm as she ignored the boy and smiled softly down at Rachel. When she lifted one hand and tucked dark hair behind her ear, Rachel seemed to melt into the touch and covered Quinn's hand with her own.

"What the hell?" He took a step back and dropped his arms to his sides, his face the picture of shocked disappointment, or constipation, Quinn was never really sure with him after all his facial expressions all looked the same. Besides, he was only in her peripheral vision since the world seemed to exist purely around the dark eyes that were looking up into her own.

At the sound of his voice she seemed to realize that they weren't alone and her eyes widened in mild panic. "I didn't mean to, I wasn't thinking about who was here, I'm so sorry. Please don't fre—"

Quinn leaned forward and kissed her, effectively silencing the small panic attack she was about to have over outing them, obviously not realizing that Quinn had been the one to touch her and confirm whatever her outburst had suggested. She kept her eyes closed and leaned her forehead against Rachel's after the small but tender kiss, some part of her knowing that something deeper wasn't needed in that moment. She let out a small puff of breath and murmured the final reassurance that would break any remaining tension over what had just happened. "That's not the worst way in the world to be outed."

A small noise escaped Rachel's throat and she kissed her once more before she finally pulled her into a hug, only pulling back when she heard Finn beside them once more.

"Rachel, what the hell is going on here?"

Quinn rolled her eyes and released Rachel, feeling a wave of warmth cascade through her body when she felt fingers twine with her own as they turned to face the confused boy.

"Really? You really need her to answer that?"

He took a step towards Quinn in response, his eyes focused on their joined hands. "Is this some kind of joke?"

"Mr. Hudson, is there are particular reason "Mr. Hudson, is there are particular reason you're at my rehearsal?"

Quinn smirked when he stepped back and slightly shrank in on himself at the sound of Shelby's voice.

"I was, um, Kurt forgot his script and I just, um, brought it for him."

She glanced over at Kurt, who was sitting at the edge of the stage with Blaine, script in hand. "Since your brother has his script, I think it's time you went back home, instead of interrupting my rehearsal time."

"Yes Ms. Corchran." He fixed Quinn with a steady glare, then turned and headed away from the stage.

"Well then, if we can all tear our eyes away from Rachel and Quinn, perhaps we can get back to work."

_**I totally want to give Shelby a hug right now.**_

_**Um, I don't think you should do that.**_

_**Well, no, but I still want to. **_

Quinn took a deep breath and paused, her hand on the doorknob of her bathroom and rolled her eyes at herself.

_**What is your problem?**_

_**I don't know. Things just feel different. The way she was looking at you after you kissed her in front of everyone…**_

_**Yeah, but, I mean, we've been alone together before like this. We've spent the night together before. **_

_**I know, but it just feels different tonight, I don't know why.**_

_**Maybe because you know you actually stood by her instead of running away, proved to her that you love her. **_

_**What do I do?**_

_**Go out there.**_

_**What if—**_

_**What if what? Just go out there and climb into bed and hold the girl you love in your arms, like you've been dying to do every night since your first night apart. **_

_**Yeah. Ok.**_

Rachel was curled on her side, facing Quinn, when she finally paused at the edge of the bed to take off her bathrobe. She silently turned off the light and slid into the cool sheets beside her, one hand slid down to wrap around Rachel's hand as she lay on her side to look into dark eyes that could just be seen in the faint light from the window.

"Hi." Rachel's voice was quiet, shy, a small smile on her face as she watched Quinn.

"Hey back."

"So, I can't help but notice that you bought a t.v."

Quinn smiled and bit her lip before she responded softly. "Yeah, I, um, I thought you might want to watch the movie a lot before the show opening weekend… so I bought it just in case you were here and—" Her words were swallowed as Rachel's lips covered her own, her body pressing into Quinn's after one hand slid into her hair to pull her head closer. She closed her eyes and lost herself in the kiss, every trace of apprehension melted away as she felt the familiar chemistry between them ignite in the pit of her stomach.

The soft kisses shifted at some point in time, deepening, intensifying until Quinn's head was spinning pleasantly and all coherent thought dissipated from her swirling brain. Her hands seemed to take on a mind of their own as they explored the warm skin that was exposed by Rachel's shorts, her breathing becoming shallow when she felt hot fingers grasping at her hips to pull her closer. She traced light circles across the back of hips that were pressed firmly against her own and up her spine, her body coming alive at the sound of the little moans that were coming from Rachel. A small fire came to life in the pit of her stomach when she traced the little twitches of muscle that reacted to her touch as she made her way across Rachel's stomach and up her ribs, pausing just beneath the breasts she so desperately wanted to touch. When Rachel felt her pause she pulled back, then leaned forward to place another small kiss on her lips before she lifted her own shirt from her body and settled back down onto her side, swallowing visibly while she allowed Quinn to take in her naked torso.

Quinn was quiet, her eyes taking in every inch of exposed flesh, until she realized she was just staring at her and quickly leaned to reconnect their lips, her voice finding itself just before she reached her mouth. "God, Rach." She recaptured her lips and pushed her onto her back as her hands explored the newly bare flesh. She traced her breasts in smaller concentric circles until she finally made it to her nipples, the body beneath her hands arched up against her in response. She bent forward, unable to resist anymore, hearing Rachel whimper as she trailed kisses down her chest, her tongue swirling around a nipple before lightly raking her teeth across the hardening peak. Rachel's hands found her hips and pulled her thigh against her as she repeated the action on her other breast. She returned her mouth back up to meet eager lips, moving her fingers to continue where her mouth had left off. The kiss threatened to devour her as she continued her gentle torture. Quinn pushed further against the warmth she felt between the thighs squeezing her insistently, beginning to move her leg in the small circles she had discovered during their make out session seemed to drive Rachel crazy. She felt fingers hovering under the hem of her shirt, asking for permission to return the exploration and Quinn felt herself moan slightly, overwhelmed with appreciation for the consideration Rachel was showing through her very gentle pressure free request.

She lifted her own shirt off, pressing skin to hot skin for the first time. She clearly hadn't been aware that Quinn had shed her bra after her daily slushy attack earlier in the day and she felt the brunette gasp at the discovery. The body beneath hers shifted and a matching thigh slipped between her own legs, her body rocking involuntarily against it as her control slipped further into the back of her mind. She felt hands hovering below her breasts, and she pushed the smaller hand up to cover the warm soft flesh, earning another moan from her girlfriend. She lost herself in the sensations shooting through her body, wetness pooling between her thighs as Rachel's leg imitated her circles. She deepened their kisses further, her tongue dancing desperately against an equally hungry one, her hands continuing to massage Rachel's breasts alternately between fingering tight nipples until Rachel gasped into her mouth. Her body rocked against the thigh between her legs, her own movements becoming less controlled against an equally moist center. Without warning, Rachel ripped her mouth away, her hands on Quinn's hips as she tried to still her motion.

"Quinn..." The plea was evident in the suddenly smoky sounding voice, and Quinn recognized the mirrored desperation as they teetered on the edge of control together.

"Do you want to stop?" She stilled and looked down into hazy eyes, a small smile on her face when Rachel reached up and gently brushed her hand across Quinn's cheek bone.

"Tonight, at rehearsal you, you really love me, don't you…"

She took in a small breath, about to ask if Rachel hadn't believed her before, then stopped. One hand lifted and brushed hair from Rachel's face, her voice soft, a deep whisper when she responded. "Yes."

Rachel's mouth crashed against hers again, engulfing kisses swallowing her moans.

"What about you, are you sure?" It was said against her hot mouth, mumbled, almost incoherent.

"Please, Rachel." She felt the hands that had been trying to hold her still lift, sliding up and into her hair, pulling her back down to the kiss swollen lips below her and she immediately rocked against her, eliciting a deeper moan than she had received before. She lost the ability for coherent thought as Rachel pulled her mouth away, only to finally pull an aching nipple into her mouth. Quinn's arms gave out and she collapsed, allowing her to roll them over as the brunette shifted to straddle her. She thought her head would explode when hips ground down against hers, Rachel's mouth hungrily meeting her own as tongues slid around each other tantalizingly. She moved her hands to Rachel's hips, encouraging the rocking motion they had taken up against her. The pressure was quickly not enough and she spun the smaller girl back down onto her back, grinding the persistent building ache between her thighs against the hip bone beneath her, desperate for some relief. Legs hooked around her back, trying to pull her even closer, lips fastened to Quinn's throat alternately whimpering and teasing the soft flesh. Quinn released the earlobe she had been nibbling, slowly kissing down Rachel's writhing body. She paused at each nipple, gently swirling her tongue around the peaks before she raked her teeth back and forth, smiling against the flesh when she felt Rachel's hand in her hair pulling her mouth closer as she arched up to meet her tongue. She nibbled to the base of her breast, moving to her stomach, placing small bites down the center of clenching muscles. She paused just above her waist band, veering to the side to nibble and suck on the flesh covering a hip bone. Quinn hooked her fingers into Rachel's shorts, slowly pulling them down her hips, tossing them somewhere behind her before kissing her way back up the impossibly long legs beneath her. She paused to tease Rachel's inner thigh with a gentle sucking motion, reveling in the frantic motion Rachel's hips had taken on as she bit down lightly and raked her nails against the flesh at the back of her legs.

She moved her hands back up, to massage Rachel's breasts as she placed soft kisses around the outline of the panties that still covered Rachel. She smirked as she intercepted Rachel's hand before it could slide under her own panty line, silently thrilled that she had driven her to the point of needing to try to touch herself. Before she even realized she had pulled away, she was next to Rachel, her palm flat against her stomach as her other hand held the brunette's arms loosely above her head. She started to draw light circles over the top of the strip of cotton that still covered Rachel's wetness, occasionally letting her finger dip down to barely drag a fingernail over the patch of wet cotton that covered her clit. She repeated the motion before moving her finger back up, sliding under the edge of the material, pushing it down and over Rachel's hips so slowly she heard Rachel growl before ripping her hands free and helping her remove the garment. Quinn bit her lip as she looked up into eyes that had darkened to black, eyes that were silently begging. She responded to the plea by crawling up Rachel's body, eyes taking on a more seductive look as she let her lips hover just above Rachel's.

"What do you want?"

Rachel moaned and rolled her eyes shut as Quinn husked her question. "Please Quinn. I need you to touch me."

Quinn felt her own eyes close as Rachel's words left her mouth, and she leaned forward, capturing Rachel's lips as her hand finally slid between her legs, sinking blissfully into wet folds. Rachel moaned loudly, her hand fisting in Quinn's hair at the first touch of the fingers gently sliding up and down, teasing her lips before gently circling where she so desperately wanted her to be. She teased the sensitive clit, leaving Rachel writhing beneath her, moving her hips in a small rocking motion against the gentle touch.

"Oh god, Quinn..." She smiled against her mouth at the sound of her name on Rachel's lips, removing her hand only to receive a frustrated growl. She kissed down her body once again, knowing Rachel was trying to move her own hands down to the wetness again. Quinn caught her wrists and suckled just below her belly button, as hips franticly searched for pressure. She finally relented, her tongue swirling against the painfully taught clit as Rachel writhed on the bed, hands fisting in sheets sporadically, her back arching into a semi-circle off of the bed, almost dislodging Quinn from her attentive strokes. She circled her tongue around the sensitive nub, gently sucking it into her mouth before settling into a fast, steady rhythm, sliding back and forth against the raised flesh, using just enough pressure to tease her with the barely there touch. She felt Rachel's hips rolling towards her, a small hand trying to pull her head closer, and she increased the pressure of her tongue as she slowly slid a finger into the slick entrance that lay waiting beneath her. She heard her own name and she smiled against Rachel, curving her finger upward as she slowly thrust her hand against frantic hips, her tongue speeding up further in response to a loudly uttered 'god, yes.' She pulled her hand out, only to replace one finger with two, pulling the pulsing clit into her mouth further as she flicked her tongue faster. She felt Rachel raise the upper half of her body, her hands trying to pull her even closer as she tensed suddenly and pushed her hips forward. Quinn kept her pace steady, her fingers making circles as she thrust in and out. Rachel's entire body shuddered underneath her, head and shoulders arching back down towards the bed, hips tilting further up as inner walls clenched, thighs attempting to clamp shut around Quinn's head. Quinn smiled to herself as she slowed her movements, tongue now gently lapping, drawing out the orgasm as much as possible for the spent girl. She felt another smaller shudder pass through her at the last flick of her tongue before she moved up to lay beside Rachel.

_**I don't think she's ever looked more beautiful. **_

_**I made Rachel Berry scream my name, me.**_

_**I want to do it again.**_

_**Let the girl breathe.**_

She lay propped on her hand, watching as Rachel struggled to slow her breathing, dark eyes still closed, a flush covering her face and her neck almost down to her breasts. For a minute, she thought she had fallen asleep, then brown eyes opened and a brilliant smile filled her features before she pulled Quinn to her kissing her fiercely. She felt Rachel push her onto her back and she relented, falling backwards as her hands palmed Quinn's ass, pulling her back into the hip bone that settled against her own throbbing clit. She was panting by the time Rachel's lips left hers to move down and tug at a nipple. She knew she couldn't take much teasing as the ache between her legs threatened to reach pain after teasing Rachel to orgasm.

"Please baby…" Rachel re-captured her mouth, answering her plea as her hand hovered at the waistband. She deepened the kiss as she circled her fingers around the smaller wrist, pushing it down below her pant line. She tore her mouth away from Rachel's, slamming her head back against the mattress as she felt fingers pass over the one place she ached for Rachel to finally touch. She dug her fingernails into Rachel's back, lost to the feel of the quick tight circular rhythm she felt Rachel settle her fingers into, as she reigned kisses and nips up Quinn's neck. She thought she would come undone when a throaty voice whispered in her ear before swirling her earlobe into a gentle bite.

She knew it wouldn't be much longer and she focused on the intense pleasure radiating from her clit as Rachel sped up the firm circles with her fingers. She had been so wet for so long as she pleasured Rachel, aching to feel the girl touch her in return, and now she felt the world explode as Rachel's fingers increased their tempo even more, a finger sliding into her, claiming her. She wasn't sure if she had screamed 'fuck' out loud when Rachel had entered her, or if it just echoed loudly in her head, but she felt her back arch off of the bed as the orgasm shot through her, red piercing the black behind her eyes as she flew over the edge, her body on fire. She felt Rachel slow her movements, her body still vibrating through her own aftershocks as she reached down and pulled the warm body against her, needing to feel the weight of Rachel's body against her own. She felt Rachel smile against her bare chest as she drifted off to sleep, comforted by their tangled legs, intertwined fingers and the feel of Rachel, warm and naked beside her.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

The random clinking of hail pattered against the window of the small studio apartment, its two occupants unaware of the frigid weather that swirled in the air around the building. Quinn twitched slowly awake, her arms tightening around the warm body that snuggled further back against her when she moved. A smile stretched across her face before her eyes fluttered open and she leaned forward to kiss the warm flesh of the bare shoulder blade in front of her. Rachel settled further back against her in response, her hand tangling with Quinn's against her own stomach.

_**Every morning should start like this.**_

_**Maybe someday, if you can manage to keep the freak outs to a bare minimum.**_

_**I'm going to ignore the second half of that, not call you an ass, and say yeah someday **_

_**would be amazing.**_

_**I'm pretty sure you still called me an ass.**_

"Good morning."

"Morning Rach, sleep well?"

"I always sleep well with you."

Quinn responded with a soft kiss against Rachel's throat, her free hand beginning to trace small circles against the warm skin over a hip. Rachel turned onto her back and offered a tender kiss before she settled her head back onto the pillow, her hand returning the gentle caresses on the arm that was still exploring her skin. Quinn watched her, while the silence stretched between them, her lip finally catching between her teeth as she realized Rachel was lost in thought about something that was slowly causing her muscles to tense. "What are you thinking about?"

"The entire school is going to know about us by the end of the weekend after yesterday."

_**Did she want to keep us a secret? **_

_**I thought she was ok with what happened, I though—**_

_**Could we maybe, not jump to conclusions until we find out where she's going with this?**_

"Is that a problem?"

"Well, once the school knows, the town will know."

"That's usually how it works."

"My fathers, I wanted to be the one to tell them, I didn't want it to get to them from someone else."

"Oh, right." She was quiet again for a while, her body stiffening as she geared herself up for what she was about to say. "We could go and tell them today, together."

Rachel turned, her eyes searching Quinn's face until a small sweet smile crossed her features. "You'd really do that for me?"

"I'm, I mean I'm not promising it won't be difficult and that I don't have the urge to say no and run screaming…" She paused to brush the hair back from Rachel's face as she watched her roll her eyes and shove her lightly with a smile. "…I'm trying here, and maybe if I handle some things really well, when I do freak out you'll actually have a reason to forgive me."

"So then, you're only being sweet and wonderful in preparation for me to have to forgive you in the future?"

"It's not like I'm planning to mess up, but if I do, maybe you'll hate me less when you remember that when I'm myself things are good between us."

"So the sweet Quinn is the real you and the rest is just what then?"

"I feel like this conversation took a left turn somewhere…"

Rachel laughed and rolled over to face her, her hand tangling in blonde hair when she leaned forward to kiss her. Quinn met the soft warm lips gently, suddenly very aware of their naked bodies pressing together as she tried not to let the kiss deepen too much. Rachel pulled back after being denied entrance to her girlfriend's mouth, her eyes open and her brow furrowing when Quinn only blushed in response.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't want to get too, um…" Her blush deepened and Rachel couldn't help but smile at her sudden shyness, when she did finish her sentence it was a barely whispered rush as her mind struggled to adjust to the heightened awareness of their new level of intimacy. "…um, well, turned on."

"Why?"

"We're going to go see your dads Rachel." She looked at her as if this was explanation enough, her face surprised when Rachel looked at her as if she were slightly crazy.

"So?"

"I can't do anything, sexual, with you before we go talk to them. I think I might actually die of embarrassment, convinced they'd somehow know I spent the morning defiling their daughter." Rachel dissolved into rich laughter, and Quinn narrowed her eyes and propped her head on her hand while she watched Rachel giggling beside her.

"It's not funny. Sometimes people can just tell when you've had sex."

"You're being ridiculous."

"_I am not_. I wouldn't be able to look them in the eye, which would just be a dead give away." She could hear her own voice getting higher and she sighed and rolled her eyes at herself.

"You know, we had sex last night, it's practically the same thing."

Quinn shoved her back gently and flopped onto her back, her arms covering her face. "Shut up! Don't put that in my head. I don't want to think about that right now!"

"You sure about that?" Quinn dropped her arms to her side and pulled the sheet up to her nose at the sound of the deep throaty voice beside her, fingers tightly gripping the material as Rachel gave her the sexiest look she had ever seen, and tried to reign kisses up her neck.

"Stop that! Seriously, I'm not going if you keep doing that." She rolled towards the wall when Rachel laughed again and moved to straddle her, following Quinn across the bed and ultimately pinning her against the wall as she settled on top of her finally straddling her..

"You sure you can resist me?" Rachel caught her lips, making her moan as she attacked her with an intense level of passion and began to seductively roll her hips against Quinn's'. The blonde returned the kiss, unable to resist, catching her breath as she felt Rachel's hands cover her body seemingly everywhere at once. She finally pulled back, trying to hold Rachel's hands away from her body.

"God, you're like an octopus. How are your hands everywhere at once? Do you hide extra arms somewhere?" She heard another giggle in response as lips found her ear lobe.

"You love it."

"Rachel." She heard the whine in her own voice and realized she was losing this battle, so she flipped the smaller girl over, hopping quickly off the bed a flesh colored blur that darted for the bathroom in an attempt to escape.

"Hey..."

"Hey nothing! You stay there! You can molest me tomorrow when I'm not going to talk to your fathers about being romantically involved with their daughter." She peeked around the corner of the door frame and felt her resolve weaken as Rachel pouted adorably from her bed.

"Fine. But you owe me."

Quinn felt as though her stomach might have relocated permanently to her throat as they entered the Berry house, barely convinced she could actually make it through the impending conversation with Rachel's fathers. Rachel had tried to convince her that she had an honest and open relationship with them, and that Quinn was making a bigger deal than necessary, but she couldn't get past the idea that they would hate her. The only thing that was really keeping her rooted to the living room couch, was the desperation she had been feeling since the carnival to prove to Rachel that she could in fact stay by her side for something difficult. So now she sat across from the two confused men, trying not to appear as nervous as she actually was, while Rachel informed them that she had something important to talk to them about.

_**You can do this. You have to do this for Rachel.**_

_**I know. I will. I'm here aren't I?**_

"I think I should preface this particular discussion by reassuring you that I have, in fact, thought through the various consequences related to my recent actions."

"What actions would those be?" Hiram Berry looked more than slightly wary as he eyed his daughter.

"You aren't pregnant are you Rachel?" Leroy interjected, frowning in Quinn's direction. Quinn managed to keep her expression as impartial as possible while she bit down slightly on the inside of her cheek. She knew exactly why he was looking at her as he asked the question.

_**Oh so the only reason I could be here is because I was pregnant last year?**_

_**Calm down, it's totally expected for them to think Rachel might bring someone that has already had that conversation for something like that.**_

_**It was still rude.**_

"No! That's really not even a possibility." Rachel flushed, and Quinn tried to ignore the thoughts that were racing through her mind as to why Rachel's cheeks were reddening.

"Well, from what I recall over the summer-"

"I told you I broke up with Finn well over a month ago."

"Well that's a relief. I am so not ready to be a grandpa." Hiram smiled, his humor shining through with his relief.

"Daddy, please just focus."

"Right, sorry."

"I wanted to talk to you about something, remember? While I guess it is in a similar category as my previous romantic entanglement with Finn, it's quite opposite if you really want to get technical-" Leroy rolled his eyes and Quinn felt the need to interrupt before Rachel got completely off topic, as she nervously ranted.

_**Oh good god Rachel, at this rate you'll never tell them.**_

_**I wonder how long she can actually go off on a rant.**_

_**Let's not find out.**_

"Rachel and I are involved." Three sets of eyes swiveled towards her, Leroy's narrowing menacingly.

"Thank you Quinn, I was admittedly having some difficulties in verbalizing my intended topic for discussion." Hiram's eyes were large, obvious confusion filling his features.

"Involved as in...romantically? As in dating?" Rachel flushed again and Quinn sighed softly, before answering for her.

_**How am I the calm one here? What happened to 'it won't be that big of a deal.'**_

_**Oh go easy on her, she's nervous, it's cute.**_

_**You're no help at all sometimes.**_

"Yes."

"I realize this probably comes as a rather enormous shock to both of you considering my previous romantic liaisons, however, I think if you -"

"Rachel, calm down. It's not like we don't understand what it's like to come out to your parents. I can't say I didn't expect you to be more fluid and accepting in this area, considering you were raised to be completely open minded. I like to think I instilled the idea of personality being more important than specific gender into you. That being said, I feel the need to stress that the kind of relationship you have decided to enter, will not be an easy one, especially considering where we live. I know you have seen your father and I face more than a little hate, and I of course do not wish to see you go through what we have. It's only natural that I would have wished an easier path for you, but I feel it is important that you know I will support you in any lifestyle you enter. Are you sure you have considered what it will be like out in the world?" Hiram smiled softly in an attempt to reinforce the concern behind his words.

_**Well, now we know who she takes after the most.**_

_**He was calmer than she was, but they do rant similarly.**_

_**Well, she's fiery, its part of what makes her hot...that passion.**_

_**Um, probably not the best train of thought right now. Focus.**_

_**Right.**_

"Yes. I know it won't be easy. I honestly think Quinn is worth it."

"Quinn Fabray? You think Quinn Fabray is worth everything you're going to have to face?" Both Hiram and Rachel turned to Leroy, surprised by the amount of venom in his voice. Quinn, however, had been ready for it. She had been watching him as the other two shared their moment, completely aware of what he was thinking as their eyes remained locked, studying each other.

_**And there it is.**_

_**You were prepared for this. You can do this. Remember the speech.**_

"Leroy!"

"No, it's ok Mr. Berry. I understand why you would feel that way. I'm not exactly proud of the way I used to treat Rachel. I could explain why I behaved the way that I did, but that's not really what I want to say. I don't want to make any excuses. I know I don't deserve Rachel."

"Quinn-"

"Let me finish Rach, please." Her voice was warm and gentle as she briefly turned her head to her girlfriend, before she returned her gaze to Leroy. "I've told her more than once that I don't believe I deserve her, and despite what you may think, I originally tried to convince her that she would be better off without me. I don't expect you to believe that I love your daughter." She paused as she watched his eyebrows raise, giving the new information a chance to sink in before continuing. "I came here, fully aware that you would hate me. Without intending disrespect, I'm not here for you. I'm here for Rachel. I'm here to prove to her that I'll be right by her side for the tougher times. This isn't easy for me, especially since I'm painfully aware of how much you know about my life. Rachel makes me want to be a better person. She makes me want to do whatever it takes to give us the future she wants."

"You think you can give my daughter the future she wants? You? A seventeen year old stripper that's already had a child? Give me one good reason to think you're anything other than trash that's using my little girl." Quinn arched an eyebrow as she felt the anger rise up into her cheeks, tears threatening as she listened. She took a deep breath, clenching her jaw and swallowing her gut reaction.

_**You bastard.**_

_**No. Stop that. Why would he have any reason to think otherwise. I mean come on, you've accused yourself of the same thing.**_

_**I'm allowed to judge myself, he's not. Who does he think he is? He doesn't know everything about me. **_

_**Quinn. The speech, focus. You were ready for this reaction, you knew people looked at you like that. Rachel needs you to stay calm, to be strong...to say the right things here. You have to show her how much you love her, that you will do this for her.**_

_**Right. Rachel.**_

"Dad!"

"Leroy! What's gotten into you?"

"He has a valid point." Quinn ignored the look Rachel fixed her with after hearing her response.

"He does not! You don't have the slightest idea why Quinn has had to do the things she's done! You can't even imagine what things have been like for her. How dare you talk to her like that!" Leroy blinked at his daughter, surprised that she had actually spoken to him with so much anger in her voice.

_**Ha. Take that you ass.**_

_**Quinn...**_

_**Right. Calm. Understanding. The speech. Take a deep breath. **_

_**Here goes. Are you ready to talk about this? **_

_**I have to, for Rachel.**_

"Rach, it's ok. I understand why he thinks that. Honestly I've thought it about myself more than once. But then I remind myself that some of the things I've had to do to survive do not define who I am as a person. It started when I made a mistake two years ago. I allowed a boy to get me drunk and take advantage of me. I'll always regret it. I don't regret the beautiful little girl that came out of it though, and no one can ever say I didn't do what was best in giving her to someone that could be the mother I couldn't be or by trying so hard to be the best person I can be now in her life. As for the stripping…" She paused and swallowed when she felt her hands begin to shake, and then continued, hoping they couldn't hear the slight waver in her voice. "… It's something I'll wish I didn't have to do for the rest of my life."

She felt Rachel squeeze her hand and she quickly offered her a tight lipped semblance of what was supposed to be a smile, but completely failed before she briefly closed her eyes and forged on. "You're aware that I had an altercation with my father at the end of last year. I found myself with no food, shelter, or anyone in the world to help me survive. I would have preferred to have a different option, but at the time I did what I felt I had to do to keep myself alive. I don't expect you to understand it. I don't ever plan on doing it again, if I can help it. I fully intend to go to college. I'll make something of myself, and I'll use my experiences to remind me of how hard life can really be. I'm a better person because of everything that's happened, and I won't allow you to take that away from me. If it wasn't for all of the things you consider to be trashy, I never would have become who I needed to be in order to properly appreciate Rachel for who she is." As she finished she put all of her focus on keeping her gaze level, locked with his. She felt her hands beginning to shake harder and she gently took her hand from Rachel's and threaded them together tightly on her lap, unwilling to display her struggle to the man before her. The room remained silent, the tension palpable as Leroy tried to stare the seemingly unflappable Quinn down. Ultimately it was Hiram who finally broke the silence.

"I remember what your father did to you Quinn. I remember every single stitch that you needed that night. I haven't been able to get it out of my head, the idea that a father could do that to his daughter. From what I understand, the police arrived just in time to stop him from actually…" He paused when he saw the color drain from her face and altered the course of his speech. "…doing something even more unspeakable to you. I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through as a result. I find it heartbreaking that you didn't have anyone to turn to. I don't begrudge you the choices you feel you had to make, and I can imagine what you've had to face as a result. My husband was out of line." Leroy's eyes finally left hers, shifting quickly to Hiram's. "If you're truly the person you've displayed just now, then I think we underestimated Rachel's ability to judge character. I believe that you do love her, and I believe you deserve a chance from us."

_**No. You can't talk about that. No one is supposed to know that he almost...**_

_**Don't think about it.**_

_**Rachel heard him. She heard what he just said.**_

_**I know.**_

_**She knows. Everyone knows. Oh god, why did he have to say that. I can't think about that. It didn't almost happen. **_

_**Almost. Almost, he didn't do it. They stopped him, it's ok.**_

_**It's NOT ok. I can't think about that. No it didn't happen. Ignore it.**_

_**Um, Hiram's talking to you.**_

_**Shut up! I can't deal with her knowing that, I just wanted to keep that part away from her.**_

"Hiram. How can you say that?"

"If you would excuse us, please don't leave. I want you to feel welcome here. This isn't a house that will ever turn you away." Hiram stood, gesturing for Leroy to follow, and he lifted himself from his chair, glaring at Quinn one final time before leaving the room. Quinn exhaled, her entire body starting to shake, her facade beginning to crumble. Rachel stood beside her, pulling gently on her hand, and she followed numbly. Her eyes were unseeing as she was lead up the stairs and into Rachel's room. When she heard the door click shut she blinked, realizing she was safe alone with Rachel, and she lost it. She felt arms come around her as she sank to her knees, overwhelmed.

_**It's over. You're ok, you're here with Rachel. **_

_**I'm not ok. **_

"I'm so sorry, I never should have let you do this. I'm so sorry, please forgive me." She could hear Rachel repeating herself over and over softly in her ear, but she couldn't do anything to respond. She fisted her hands into the front of Rachel's shirt as she buried her face against the shoulder that supported her.

_**Why couldn't that just stay away. Why did he have to say that. Make it go away, please, I can't think about it, please. He was so close to...no, no, no.**_

_**I told you that you had to deal with this sooner.**_

_**No, no I can't even think about it. I can't, this is too much. **_

_**But, you were doing so well.**_

_**That was before I found out everyone knew the one fucking thing that even I don't want to admit happened.**_

_**Almost happened.**_

_**SHUT UP and let me panic about this.**_

The combination of soft words of love in her ear, and Rachel's soothing touch eventually calmed her to the point of being able to move to sit on the edge of the bed. She was mostly staring at the floor, and Rachel pulled her back to lie down, curling Quinn into her arms.

"Its ok baby, you're safe. I'm here, I won't let anything happen to you. I love you. Everything will be ok."

_**See? She isn't looking at you differently. She heard what happened and she's still here, it's going to be ok.**_

_**How can you be so sure everything is the same? She always comforts people, she's very caring.**_

_**Does she call other people baby and hold them?**_

_**No.**_

_**Well there you go.**_

_**I need more than that. I need to know she doesn't think I'm disgusting now.**_

_**Why would she think that?**_

_**Because of what he almost did. I was so exposed. He was right there and he almost—**_

_**Woah, let's not go down that road again.**_

_**Right. You're right. Rachel, I need to know...**_

Quinn lifted her head, finding Rachel's lips and kissing her with a new level of desperation. Rachel gently let their lips brush before she pulled back, denying her access when she tried to deepen it. She felt a strangled cry come out of her own throat and she jerked away from her.

_**She does see me differently. Why did he have to say that? Why couldn't things have just stayed the way they were.**_

_**What do I do? I can't take this.**_

"Quinn, what just happened? Talk to me." She felt Rachel's hand touch her arm, and she couldn't help it, she pulled away. "Why won't you let me touch you?"

"You weren't supposed to ever know that."

"Know what? The things you said to my father were amazing, I was so-"

"No, what your father said." There was silence behind her, and she felt the knot in her chest tighten. "I knew that if you saw me like that... how could you not look at me differently." She felt the bed shift and suddenly Rachel was in front of her, trying to catch her eye.

"I don't understand Quinn. You think my father saying those horrible things to you would change the way I feel about you? I see him differently, not you."

"Stop pretending you don't know what I'm talking about." Rachel's eyebrows came together and she hooked her fingers under Quinn's chin while she tried to turn her face, but Quinn didn't notice the confusion as she shoved past her, moving away from her so she would stop trying to look her in the eye. "Don't do that!"

"Quinn, please tell me what's going on here. I really don't understand."

"Don't lie to protect me Rachel. Why did he have to say that? No one was supposed to know that. Now everything is ruined. You can't even kiss me because of what he did to me." She didn't even realize how manic she sounded, didn't notice Rachel come up to her, and when she turned lips crashed against hers. She felt herself being pulled forward as Rachel continued to kiss her, pulling her down on top of her when they reached the bed. She felt hands in her hair, as she was granted the previously denied access and she deepened the kiss, Rachel matching her motion as their tongues tangled together. She ran her fingers up Rachel's sides, moving to cup her breasts through her shirt, before straddling the hips beneath hers. She ground down against Rachel eliciting a moan, and she tore her mouth away to trail kisses down her throat, shifting cloth to the side so she could swirl a nipple into her mouth.

"Quinn, I'm not...uhhh that feels good...complaining, but my fathers could come up any second." She continued to tease the peaked flesh, running her teeth gently across her, before she registered what had just been said. She pulled back, finally noticing the desire filled eyes that were trying to focus on her. She rolled to the side and collapsed onto her back before she flung her arms up across her own face.

_**What is wrong with you?**_

_**A lot.**_

_**You just mounted the girl.**_

_**I know that, I was there.**_

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, just wait until tonight when we're alone at your apartment." She moved her arm, tears in her eyes again as she looked at Rachel.

"You want to stay with me tonight?"

"Of course, why wouldn't I?" She rolled her eyes at herself before she covered her face with her arms again.

"God I'm fucked up."

"Don't say that baby."

"Why not? It's true?"

"Um...at the risk of setting you off again, what just happened here?"

"I thought...you wouldn't let me kiss you."

"I seem to recall a kiss occurring."

"You wouldn't let me really kiss you."

The bed dipped as Rachel sat down beside her and rested one hand against one of the arms that still covered her face. "In case you haven't noticed, I react to you rather quickly, and I was trying to make sure you were ok. It didn't seem like the appropriate time for a make out session."

_**You really need to learn to talk to her more.**_

_**Shut up.**_

_**No, you just had a small nervous breakdown over her being concerned about you.**_

_**Why do you never listen when I say shut up?**_

_**Because then there wouldn't be anyone to tell you what an idiot you are.**_

"I thought-" She was interrupted by a knock on the bedroom door, and she immediately moved to sit on the edge of the bed, trying to flatten the hair at the back of Rachel's head in an attempt to remove traces of their encounter. Rachel laughed and stood up, playfully batting at Quinn's hands, before going to the door and swinging it open to reveal Hiram.

"Are you ok Quinn?"

"Nothing a few years of therapy can't cure." She widened her eyes at her own response, and Hiram laughed gratefully in response to her humor.

_**Did you just say that out loud? To Rachel's dad? What is wrong with you?**_

_**He thought it was funny. Besides, I didn't realize I said it out loud until after it was already out. I have a lot on my mind you know.**_

_**You need to work on your filter.**_

_**You are my filter. **_

_**Oh. Right. Oops.**_

"I'm glad you aren't angry."

"Rachel has a special way of calming me down." She blushed as Hiram quirked an eyebrow at her in response. "That came out wrong. I meant she has a special way about her that calms me down." She rolled her eyes at herself, hand moving up to rub her forehead.

_**Stop talking!**_

_**I think she broke me. I can't even speak properly right now. No more kissing when her fathers are anywhere near us.**_

_**I don't think it was so much the kissing portion of—**_

_**Shut up! If I turn any more red he's going to think we were doing things up here.**_

_**Things? I'll tell you what you were doing, you were—**_

_**Oh my god what is wrong with you?**_

_**I was going to say having a nervous breakdown.**_

_**Oh. OK. I thought you were talking about the grinding. Oh god, now you've got me doing it. **_

_**Ha. Do you need your bologna song?**_

_**Do you know how not to be an ass?**_

"I just came up to check on you. I would like to reiterate that you are always welcome here Quinn. Don't let Leroy get to you, I really want you to understand that this family will never turn you away. I think you've had quite enough of that for one lifetime. Oh, I also thought I should mention that you're going to be late for your rehearsal if you don't get a move on, Rachel." He pointed to the alarm clock next to the bed and Rachel made a rather loud unintelligible noise and started rummaging around the room searching for something. Quinn watched as her girlfriend mumbled under her breath as she frantically tried to find everything she needed.

"I think you left your bag in my car Rach."

"Right, let's go. Love you daddy." She kissed the tall man on the cheek before disappearing behind him into the hallway. Quinn smiled softly at Hiram as she stood from the edge of the bed.

"Thank you Mr. Berry. I really appreciate how kind you've been to me, and how amazing you were that night in the hospital. I don't usually bring that out in many people." She saw concern cross his features and she wished she had once again chosen her words better. "I just wanted you to know that-"

"Quinn! My m… Shelby will kill me if I'm not at rehearsal and I feel the need to inform you that if you do not get out to the car in the next five seconds I'm leaving without you." She fought the urge to smile at Rachel's adorable mini tirade, instead allowing herself to be pulled out of the room and down the stairs by her cutely crazed girlfriend. Before she was dragged out of sight she managed a smile and a wave, which Hiram returned as he shook his head and laughed at his daughter, earning a mild glare from the irritated girl. She heard him laugh harder behind her when she politely informed Rachel that it would have been difficult for her to leave without the car keys that were currently in Quinn's pocket.

They arrived at the auditorium just in time to find an annoyed looking Shelby tapping her watch. "This is the final weekend before the show Rachel, the first full dress rehearsal that will be treated like the actual show. Do you not understand how important that is? Would you prefer I give the role to your understudy? Do you think Broadway works this way? When you go to school in New York, they won't wait for you, you'll be in the wings while your understudy steals the show."

"It's my fault Shelby, I'm sorry, I had a problem and Rachel was helping me through it."

Shelby narrowed her eyes at Quinn, silent for a few seconds until she finally sighed and nodded her head towards the stage, arms folded.

"Sorry Mom." She ran past the teacher, headed straight for the dressing room as Quinn rushed to take her place in the pit. Rachel gave a completely flawless performance, actually managing to keep Shelby silent throughout the entire run through. Quinn was sure she could even see a proud sheen of tears in the woman's eyes as she watched her daughter pour her heart into the performance. Quinn had been in even more awe of her talent from the front and center seat her job afforded her. Her location also gave her the opportunity to see glimpses of the backstage area, and she couldn't help but notice brown eyes staring at the floor obviously lost in thought every time Rachel waited offstage for her cues. Quinn felt pangs of guilt course through her every time she saw the distant look cross the usually focused features, unable to believe it was anything other than worry about their earlier conversations.

_**She never looked like that before me. She was always so focused and optimistic.**_

_**Don't you dare even think about pulling back.**_

_**I didn't say that...I just sort of felt it... a little. **_

_**Liar. You'll hurt her much more if you pull back. She's taking this all on willingly, knowing full well what she's getting into.**_

_**But, her family. I messed up her relationship with her father. **_

_**He didn't have to react that way. Maybe it's a good thing that Rachel saw who he really was today. It won't hurt as much if he ever really lets her down.**_

_**I guess.**_

_**Quinn, she really cares about you, so stop this and just be there for her tonight. Talk to her. You know she talks things out and then she's ok again. She didn't really get an answer from you about why you had a nervous breakdown. Besides, I'd be willing to bet she tells you something along the lines of it all being a good experience to draw from for more dramatic roles.**_

_**She would say that wouldn't she? She's so cute, I don't understand how she always finds good in a situation. I hope I don't make her lose that. I won't let her lose it. I'll talk to her, I'll fix it. Once we're alone.**_

_**She found the good in you.**_

_**She did, didn't she. **_

_**And she loves you for it.**_

_**She does, doesn't sh- wait.**_

_**What?**_

_**Oh my god.**_

_**What?**_

_**I'm a fucking idiot.**_

_**Why now?**_

_**She said I love you. **_

_**What?**_

_**In her bedroom, she was holding me and trying to calm me down and let me know she appreciated what I did with her father and told me she loved me for the first time.**_

_**Fuck. She did. How the hell did I miss that?**_

_**Maybe because you were having some sort of weird panic attack…**_

_**I have to fix this.**_

_**Maybe she just thinks you didn't hear her. **_

_**That's so not an excuse. **_

_**Well what do you want me to say here, it's not like you did it on purpose, you weren't ignoring her or any-**_

"Quinn!"

"What?" Quinn lifted her eyes, blinking out of her daze, suddenly aware that Rachel was beside her and talking to her.

"Dinner, you know where you eat food?"

"Right. Whatever you want to do Rach." She felt brown eyes studying her, concern overpowering her features and Quinn smiled, trying to dispel the worry.

"I was just lost in thought, sorry. What do you want to do?"

"I had originally planned on heading home, but I think we should stay here and order something. I don't really want to see my dad right now."

Quinn took in a deep breath and arched an eyebrow. "Rach he's still your dad."

"He's not who I thought he was."

"You have to cut him some slack. He's just trying to protect you." Rachel smiled sweetly at her, lifting her hand before looking around and putting it back down beside her. Quinn's eyebrows came together in confusion, hurt collecting in her chest.

_**What was that? Everyone knows. Why did she do that?**_

_**Is she having doubts about us? Is she really that hurt that I didn't acknowledge her 'I love you'?**_

"I'm going to go add my order to the list before we miss out on food. I'm rather famished." Quinn nodded, mumbling something about salad before going off to find a place to sit down while she waited for Rachel.

"Blaine does the same thing." Kurt slid down into the seat next to her, a sad look on his face. "I bought him flowers when he won the lead and he patted me on the shoulder in response. Not exactly the response you want from your boyfriend."

"What? But you guys danced at prom and everything."

"I tell myself it's because he's nervous about bringing extra attention to us, worried about extra torment."

"Well, that's sweet...that he wants to protect you." He nodded absently, watching Blaine as he went over some of his steps off to the side of the stage.

"I guess so. It depends on how you look at it. I would rather we be ourselves and face the torment, I don't like adding awkwardness to our relationship. We already face enough, we don't need to let it effect us in other ways too. I won't lie, it hurt when he did it. Seeing him look around at everyone before awkwardly touching me as if I were a mere acquaintance. Not my favorite moment."

"Maybe you should talk to him about it."

"I'm not sure I want to know what he'll say. I thought he was stronger than that, to cave into peer pressure like that..."

"Well, maybe he's doing it because he knows what you went through before with Karofsky. You should talk to him about it. He might be protecting you, you know."

He turned and looked at her, his face full of surprised approval. "I didn't think of that."

She sat in silence beside him for a minute, watching Rachel talk to Shelby. Finally, she took in a deep breath and turned her head to look at him. "So, you're talking to me like a normal person."

"I am."

"Have the pod people taken over? Should I be concerned?"

He arched an eyebrow and crossed his legs with a typical Kurt flourish, his hands folded on one knee. "That sort of response is hardly necessary when I'm trying so hard to be nice to you."

"I didn't realize it was such a hardship, please forgive me for allowing yourself the self torture."

"You know, I don't have to try here…"

"Why are you trying all of a sudden, don't you hate me and blame me for everything Rachel related?"

"She's my best friend Quinn, I'm supposed to be protective of her."

"So what made you come around then?"

He rolled his eyes and picked invisible lint off of his leg. "Blaine may have mentioned something about Rachel gushing about how amazing you were when you convinced her, and as a result Blaine himself, that s…something physical should be motivated by, love, instead of for a role."

"Yeah, well, I told you I wasn't using her."

"I suppose I should thank you for saying whatever you said to make sure my…" He blushed and dropped his voice. "…first time wasn't caving to theatre inspired peer pressure."

"Who's caving into peer pressure?" They both turned as Rachel sat down beside them, a smile on her face.

"Oh, just some girl talk." Kurt blushed and offered a small almost smile to Quinn.

"Did you order?"

"Yes... I'm a girl."

"I may have noticed that. Any idea how long the food is going to take?" Quinn smiled, ignoring the annoyed look on Rachel's face.

"You aren't going to tell me what you were talking about are you?"

"Nope."

"That's so wrong." Quinn's smile grew and she wrapped her arm around Rachel's shoulders, deciding to be pro-active after her conversation with Kurt, unwilling to let the same awkwardness affect them. Rachel smiled brilliantly at the gesture, leaning her head against Quinn's shoulder and lifting a hand to lace her fingers into the hand the hung from her shoulder. Quinn leaned forward, whispering briefly to Kurt, before sitting back against her girlfriend, who gave her a mild glare.

"Let's see if we can't school him on how it should be." Kurt laughed before he waved his hand at his boyfriend, calling him over to sit with them.

Quinn had known it would only be a matter of time before Rachel brought up her unexplained freak-out. She had been surprised that they had avoided the topic for the entire night, keeping things light and casual even when they arrived back at Quinn's apartment after Shelby had insisted they run through scenes that she had notes for. Rachel had pulled her into the apartment and kicked the door shut behind her while she blindly led her to the bed. Quinn returned the offered kisses, but pulled back after only a few minutes, watching her struggle with sleep as eyelids kept dropping down to conceal soft brown eyes. She stood, receiving a minor complaint, before tossing some pajama's on the bed. Rachel increased her complaints as she muttered at Quinn, her comments filled mostly with mumblings about revenge for being called an octopus. Rachel finally curled up against Quinn, yawning and refusing to agree that she was too tired for anything other than sleep, even as her eyes slipped shut. Quinn smiled lovingly down at her and kissed her forehead before she snuggled down against her smaller body and closed her own eyes, silently chastising herself for allowing Rachel's performance high to push off the conversation they needed to have.

When Quinn opened her eyes, she found Rachel staring at the ceiling as she absently drew circles on the lighter arm that stretched across her stomach.

"Hey. Everything ok?" Brown eyes turned to hers and a smile filled Rachel's face as she leaned over and brushed a soft kiss against her lips.

"Good morning. I was just thinking about yesterday. I've been going over the conversation in my head, trying to figure out what set you off."

"Did you figure it out?"

"Yes, but it's not something I really feel like I should talk about with you unless you bring it up."

She dropped her gaze to the wall behind Rachel and shrank back into herself, her arms wrapped around her own body." So you realized what your father said. What almost happened to me."

"Yes. Why did you freak out about me knowing that? Why would I look at you differently? I mean, it made me hate your father even more, as if that were even possible, and want to hold you and protect you but I already wanted to do that." She felt Rachel roll to her side and begin to gently run her fingers through Quinn's hair, while she patiently waited for a response.

"I thought you would think I was disgusting." Her voice was unbearably soft and she stared at Rachel's tank top as she spoke, unable to make eye contact without losing control over her own emotions.

"I could never think that. Why would I?"

She sighed and closed her eyes, attempting to reign in her emotions so she wouldn't sound angry. "Because I should have found a way to stop him. Hitting me wasn't a big deal, he did it all the time...but I should have fought harder when he ripped my clothes off, should have found a way to make him stop. I feel like I let it happen by not figuring out how to stop him...and he almost...his hands were...he had even gotten his pants unbuttoned when they came in...I should have fought harder."

"Come here." She felt Rachel pull her closer, her face buried against her chest, her arms securely around her holding her tight. "It's not your fault. He's the disgusting one. You're beautiful, and he can't take that away no matter what he did. I know you Quinn. You're a fighter, you always have been. If there had been anything you could have done, you would have found a way. You have to stop blaming yourself. He's a monster. I love you, and I'm here and I won't ever let anyone hurt you like that again. You'll always be beautiful to me." She felt herself crying softly as Rachel soothed her, and she clung to the warm, safe body that held her so tenderly.

"I'm sorry I fucked that up too."

"What?"

"You told me you loved me for the first time yesterday, and I didn't even react."

Rachel pulled back enough to brush a soft kiss across Quinn's lips, her hand resting on her neck. "I wasn't sure you even heard me."

"I heard you baby. I, you already know I love you too, but I still should have said it back."

"You were dealing with something, its ok."

"No, it's not. But, I'm working on it."

"Quinn, you've been amazing. Stop beating yourself up for having a hard time with the horrible things that happened to you. I understand. Just keep talking to me about things, keep letting me in the way you have been, and we'll be ok."

"I'm trying."

"I know."

"I love you." She tipped her head to the side and lost herself in Rachel's lips, her hands, the feel of her warm body melting against her own

Quinn spent Sunday night alone in her bed, awake staring at her ceiling, imagining the scenarios that would most likely play out the next day when she walked into a school that knew. She was exhausted by the time she actually pulled into the parking lot, almost spilling coffee all over herself when Puck knocked loudly on her window.

"You're late baby momma. Come on, I'm gonna get detention if I don't start showing up on time." She locked the car and pulled her bag over her head, squinting against the light as she pulled off her sunglasses.

"You really don't have to keep doing this Puck. I understand that you have your own stuff to worry about."

"I told you, I owe you. Besides, you're really going to need me now that your secret is out."

"Heard about that already did you? You weren't even at rehearsal when it happened, which Shelby was pissed about by the way. How did you even hear?"

"Are you kidding? Do you really think there's anyone that doesn't know about your big show? It was all over about five seconds after it happened."

"Fantastic."

"Let me just say-"

"No you can't watch Puck."

"I wasn't going to say that, but damn! That's a hot idea, wait let me picture that for a minute."

"Puck."

"Right. I was gonna say, I got your back with this. If Rachel makes you happy, then whatever, I'll protect her too. She's a hot little Jew, I totally get it."

"What is it with you and being Jewish?"

"Gotta represent."

"I can't believe you just said that, let's hope Beth doesn't take after you too much." She shook her head and laughed, turning the corner to a veritable wall of slushies crashing into them. She froze, her eyes closed against the stinging ice chips, her mouth open in shock and annoyance.

"Dyke!" She heard laughter and calmly reached up to wipe her eyes clear, blurred vision displaying the entire hockey team before her, empty cups still in hand.

_**Stay calm. Don't react, they want you to react.**_

_**Right. **_

"Damn it, I was going to drink that." She looked down into her ruined coffee, ignoring the boys that surrounded her, before she grabbed Puck's arm and pulled him through the crowd as it started to disperse at the sound of a gym whistle somewhere behind them.

"Hey! I want each and every one of you back here with mops and buckets in five minutes, or there will be detention all around. Are you two ok?"

"Fine, Coach."

"Puckerman, go get cleaned up and wait for me, I want to make sure you don't get detention for being late."

"Thanks Coach. I'm sorry Q."

"It's ok, you tried." She could see him trying to hold it together, and was genuinely concerned about how he might retaliate once he had the chance.

_**You have to remember to tell him not to do anything back, he'll get in trouble.**_

_**I know. He doesn't always think before he does things, I'll talk to him.**_

"Do you want to go talk to Figgins about this?"

"What's the point Coach? They'll get yelled at and still do it again tomorrow. I can handle it, it's just ice."

"I'm going to talk to Schuester, we'll come up with a plan to stop all of this. Maybe we can get a new bullywhips going." She nodded and smiled, knowing there wasn't much the teacher could do, but appreciating the effort none the less. Quinn thanked her and headed for the bathroom, sighing as her feet slid down the hallway. She managed to dodge one slushy attack before the end of the day, reducing her grand total to five instead of six. She was sipping a cup of tea when the rest of the glee club started to wander into the choir room, Kurt immediately sat beside her as he spotted her.

"Where's Rachel?"

"You know, I've missed enough class today that I haven't seen her. If it wasn't for Coach Beiste following me around with towels and passes I would have failed out with pneumonia by now." She took another sip of the warm brew, Rachel finally appearing at the doorway, a towel still in her hand as she tried to get corn syrup out of her eye.

"Don't they know any words besides dyke? I should think that by the time we reach high school their vocabulary would be a bit more creative." She collapsed grumpily into the chair next to Quinn, still fiddling with her eye.

"They're stupid jocks, they hit their heads too often to expand their vocabulary." She leaned over and rubbed her hand soothingly on Rachel's back as she offered her some of the warm beverage.

"You know, you can stop this Rachel, you can stop all of it." Quinn shifted her gaze away from Rachel, noticing Finn as he stopped in front of them.

"What are you talking about?"

"Isn't it obvious? Tell everyone it wasn't what it looked like, tell them Quinn just… I don't know what she did to convince you to kiss her but I mean come on, Rachel you're not a lesbian, believe me I know." Quinn narrowed her eyes, feeling the stress of the last few days coalescing into rich anger that burned in her chest.

_**You've got some nerve you ass. You never appreciated her.**_

_**Tell him, not me.**_

"Whatever you _think_ you know is wrong."

He narrowed his eyes and glared over at her. "She should come back to me. She won't have to face any of this crap. You can go back to ruining your own life and leave her out of it. She's not gay."

"You think you know what I am or am not better than I do?" Rachel didn't lift her eyes from her lap as she spoke, anger clear in her tense shoulders.

"That's not what I meant."

"Well what did you mean?"

"You can't be into girls Rachel. We...were together." He gestured back and forth with his hands.

_**I might kill him. **_

_**Ok, calm down, he didn't actually say it. **_

_**He's suggesting it.**_

_**But he didn't say it. He's just being his usual stupid self.**_

"So, because I dated you I can't like girls, haven't you ever heard of bisexuality?"

_**Ha. Dating Finn might actually lead more girls into each other's arms.**_

_**You should say that. **_

_**You suck at this filter business.**_

"Look, Rachel just stop this. I'll take you back and it can all be over. This is just ridiculous. We had a physical relationship, you aren't into girls, this is just some sort of crazy attention thing. You do that, do things for attention. It's okay, let's just show them the truth." He reached down, and wrapped one overly large hand around her arm and yanked her up from the chair a little too hard. When Quinn saw her lift from her chair and land hard on her feet something in her memory snapped and pushed images of large hands pulling at her, barraging her in a fit of anger. He stood awkwardly beside her, trying to pull her into his arms. Quinn was immediately on her feet, shoving him back with force she didn't realize she possessed, almost knocking him down. He came forward at her, but she managed to stand her ground, overwhelmed by anger, getting right in his face.

_**Um, now that you are right here in his face I can't help but notice he's a really big guy isn't he?**_

_**The whole club is here, you've got back up. **_

_**Right I have the upper hand here. **_

_**In that case, I might kill him.**_

_**Don't kill him.**_

_**Why not?**_

_**Because, Rachel needs you to be here.**_

_**Fine. Can I hurt him a little though?**_

_**No. Getting expelled will not help.**_

"Who exactly do you think you are? You don't get to touch her, and you sure as hell don't get to talk about her like she's nothing."

"I can do whatever I want to."

"No. You don't get to pretend that putting your hands on her is ok, and you sure as hell don't get to think that kissing her last night was ok either. She's not your property. I'm so sick and tired of you acting like you own her. She doesn't love you. You never appreciated her when you were with her, and now you don't get to talk about her like that. How dare you try to diminish what we have to suit your own needs."

"What, you think you have a say? She does love me Quinn, we have something real. We have something you could never have with her."

"How do you know what we have? What do you know about anything? You don't know her the way I do!"

"I know she's straight!"

"What makes you so sure of that?"

"Because I'm the one that's had sex with her. I was her first. She wouldn't do that unless it was something she wanted. She wanted me. She enjoyed it. She practically begged me for it." The anger pulsed into her brain in a flash of red and before she even realized she was doing it, she pulled her arm back and punched him in the side of his jaw. Distantly she felt something in her hand crunch and she dropped it limply to her side and continued to stand her ground. He recovered quickly and lunged for her, Puck immediately grabbing his arm and holding him back before he could hit her, his other arm outstretched to try to hold Quinn back.

"You son of a bitch, how dare you talk about her like that. You took advantage of her and I will-"

"Enough!"

All eyes shifted to Rachel as she stood, moving to stand between them, red faced and visibly hurt, the way he always made her look.

"I can't believe you just told everyone that. What is wrong with you?" There were tears in her eyes, and her voice was quiet while she avoided the various gazes that were focused on her.

_**Do something, she's hurt.**_

_**Didn't I just hit him? What more can I do, she's standing almost on top of me, I think she made it pretty clear that she doesn't want me to move.**_

"I'm trying to help you Rachel."

"Stop trying to help me, every time you're involved with anything you always make it worse. God why can't you get it through your head that I don't want you? First of all, most of this is your fault. We wouldn't have even been having the conversation in the auditorium if you hadn't idiotically tried to get me back by kissing me. Why are you constantly trying to force yourself on me? Does me slapping you not get your attention? You're the reason we came out before we had time to discuss, before we were ready to. I was so upset that I wasn't even paying attention, because of you Finn. Now, you go and announce yet another personal detail of my life that no one should have known, a detail I might add that I regret every single day."

_**That's right you fucking moron. She regrets you, not me. **_

_**You don't get to kiss my girlfriend.**_

"Wait, what?"

"I regret you Finn. You don't seem to get that no matter how many times I say it. That ridiculously brief moment that you are so proud of you felt the need to announce it? It was almost as pathetic as you. I begged for it? Please. You knew I didn't really want to do it. I tried to stop you at the last minute and you just ignored me and kept going, feigning ignorance at what I was trying to say. You think I wanted that? You robbed me of something that should have been important. You think Quinn would have forced herself on me like that? She wouldn't, she didn't." She paused as she realized what she had just admitted to and rolled her eyes as she felt her face redden further and forged onward. "...she's kind and caring and supportive, and she makes me feel loved in a way you never could. You know what? I wish it had been her instead of you."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

_**It means you didn't worship her the way I did. **_

_**I bet she never screamed your name the way she screams mine.**_

_**You cannot say that.**_

_**Of course not.**_

_**But she did scream my name.**_

"You never cared about me Finn, or you would have noticed what you almost killed in me that day. You would have noticed that I stopped loving you when you all but forced me into something I didn't want. You would have known I cried for three days after."

"But Rachel, we were happy this summer. You stayed with me."

"You didn't notice that it never happened again? You didn't notice how miserable and trapped I felt?"

"Girls just do that, you play hard to get and we chase you it's some game you play. I love you, I'm here because I want to protect you."

"You aren't protecting me, you're trying to protect your reputation. You're trying to prevent the whole school from realizing that your two ex-girlfriends would rather be with each other than you. You claim you love me, but if you really cared about me, you would be trying to actually protect us the way Noah has been every single day. If you cared about how I feel or what I want, you would be happy that I found someone that actually loves me for who I am. You would listen to me when I tell you that I love her back. Quinn is willing to endure torment every single day just to be with me, and you weren't even willing to stand up for me...you've never even been willing to treat me with respect."

_**That's right, tell him I'd do anything for you baby.**_

"This is bull. I love you Rachel, she's just pulling some sort of new prank on you. She's Quinn Fabray, she's using you. You're a joke to her Rachel, just wait. Do you even realize the things she used to say about you behind your back? She'll get what she wants and then she'll use it against you."

_**You bastard!**_

_**I should have hit him harder.**_

"You're the joke Finn. She isn't the one revealing the intimate details of our relationship to make herself look good. She keeps the things that should only be between us actually between us. If she wanted to use it against me she would have by now. You're the one that got what you wanted without any regard for me and then used it against me. She's the one defending me, and trying to prove herself over and over again."

_**That's right you son of a bitch, she's mine, and if you touch her again I'll castrate you.**_

"You're making a mistake Rachel."

"The only mistake I ever made was you."

"If I leave, I'm not coming back, not to you and not to glee." She opened her mouth to reply, stopping as Kurt's voice entered the conversation.

"We don't need you. You aren't as good a performer as Blaine anyway. This club is full of people that care about each other, you only care about yourself. We don't have room for that." Kurt had spoken harshly to his brother, and Finn actually looked hurt by the statement. "We've been through this before Finn, I thought you were different, and yet you keep showing us that you belong with the rest of the Neanderthals out there that are trying to hurt us."

_**I think Kurt might be my new best friend.**_

_**He really is quite supportive isn't he?**_

_**You think? He just told his own brother to fuck off.**_

"Fine. Screw you. Screw all of you. Don't expect me to keep the football players off your backs anymore." He stormed out of the room, slamming the door as he left. Quinn immediately lifted her arms around Rachel as she turned to her, hands over her face.

_**I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. I have you.**_

_**Hold her tighter. **_

_**She has to be able to breathe.**_

"Good afternoon everyone...um what's going on here?" Quinn rolled her eyes at the ever tardy teacher, silently wondering if her hand was broken as she tried to rub soothing circles across Rachel's back.


	14. Chapter 14

AN: First I would like to say thank you so much to all of you that are leaving the wonderful reviews, I totally love you guys : )

Now, in response to the people that have brought up their issues with some stuff, I feel I deserve a chance to respond. To the person that has the issue with Quinn's inner dialogue with herself. I'm sorry you find it distracting but I would like to make two points about it. One, in the show itself there are constantly voice over's that have the characters revealing what they are thinking, which is exactly the same thing as an inner dialogue so really I'm just keeping things the way they are in the show. Two, this is a very serious and at times intense story and the inner dialogue she has with herself is often much needed comic relief as well as an explanation as to why Quinn does the things she does.

To the person that thinks Quinn's actions are arbitrary and have no cause effect relationship. I'm sorry you don't like the way my character deals with her trauma. She deals with it the way I dealt with it when I was her age and couldn't handle the things that had happened to me, so I'm not going to change it, if you don't like it don't read it.

As for the severity of the harassment at school, do you actually watch the show? In 'I kissed a girl' Santana directly confronts Figgins about the lack of action to protect them from the slushies and he tells her the school board doesn't lump it into their physical violence policies. Also, when Kurt is bullied to the point of fearing for his life, students get together and do something about it, not teachers. So, once again, going with the tone of the show. Also, watch the news, bullying is a serious problem right now that most schools are being chastised for not stepping in and handling.

I apologize for the long author's note, but I felt I should get to defend myself here I hope you all enjoy the chapter!

Chapter 14

Quinn wasn't entirely sure exactly how she had ended up in her current situation, but she was doing her best to focus on the little girl that was sitting on her lap happily coloring in her coloring book, instead of the uncomfortable situation that surrounded her. She could feel Rachel beside her, oozing tension while she glared at her father across from her in the booth. Quinn tried to ease her tight muscles as she swirled her crayon in the corner of the book while the little girl squealed happily and began to color in the flowers Quinn was drawing for her. She smiled when a tiny hand pulled the crayon she was using out of her hand and placed a different color between her fingers while she babbled her own imaginary language. When she felt Rachel's hand tighten on the cushioned seat of the booth she arched an eyebrow and tuned back into the conversation around her.

"Wait, you're saying you actually approve of them?"

"Do we really have to keep doing this Dad?" She dropped her fork onto the table and sighed, her eyes narrowed as she continued to glare over at him.

"I just want to hear her opinion."

"No, you want someone to validate your ridiculous animosity towards Quinn, and if they don't you want to try to change their minds so someone will be on your side."

"Leroy, we're here to have a nice dinner after Rachel's first matinee, let's not stress her out before her next show."

Leroy waved his hand towards Quinn and took a sip of his iced tea in an overly casual manner. "Do you mind if I ask Shelby her opinion, she is after all beginning to have some sort of long lost mother role in our daughter's life, it's only natural for me to want to know her thoughts."

Quinn put down the crayon in her hand to gently touch Rachel's arm when she opened her mouth to protest. "I've already spoken to Shelby about my relationship with Rachel, but if you feel that you want to hear her opinion, by all means discuss away."

He raised his eyebrows before rolling his eyes when he caught Hiram shoot Quinn a smile before he finally turned his attention to the rather uncomfortable looking Shelby, who cleared her throat and took a sip of water. "Well, I'm not really sure that my opinion is what you want to hear Leroy. I've spent a lot of time with Quinn over the last few months, and I think she's a wonderful young woman. She's made some mistakes with her life, but she's intelligent and has plans for her life. I see her interacting with Rachel quite often between school and whenever the girls come over to see Beth, and I think they're really good together."

"I see."

"Can we please get back to how amazing my baby girl was in her matinee this afternoon?" Hiram beamed over at Rachel, who barely smiled in his direction, her eyes still focused on Leroy.

"I don't see how you can all be okay with this." He sighed and threw his fork onto the table, earning a glare from Hiram.

"All due respect Leroy, but Rachel's eighteen now, she's not a little girl anymore and she'll be out on her own in a few months. Maybe it's time to let her make a few choices on her own."

He turned in his seat, his face shifting quickly from annoyance to anger as he turned his attention completely to Shelby. "So, because you've been in her life for a nanosecond, you suddenly know what's best for her? I've been here her entire life, teaching her, and trying to give her love and respect. I think I know a little better than you what's best for her."

Shelby opened her mouth, quickly closing it when Leroy lifted a finger and pointed it at her. "And another thing, she's been eighteen for less than a month, so let's not jump on the whole 'she's an adult bandwagon' before it's even picked up speed on the road. Do you even remember when her birthday is, to know how old she is, because I've been there for every single one of them and you were only there for the one you physically had to be."

"Actually, Shelby gave me a very lovely present for my birthday. You yelled at me about wanting to invite Quinn and ended up ruining the evening." Rachel's voice was quiet, her eyes boring into him. "And if you care, Quinn also gave me something amazing after being wonderful all day."

"And what deplorable acts were committed to pay for your birthday present?"

"The one my father did that left permanent reminders on my body for the rest of my life. I'm quite thankful that my grandfather had enough foresight to realize I might need an inheritance to escape my father some day." He seemed to falter and his eyes dropped to the table at the mention of the scars that he knew marred her skin.

Beth squirmed on her lap and grabbed one of the fingers of her casted left hand and she winced and gently moved her arm to the table, gently placing the cast out of reach of the little girl. She looked up just in time to see Leroy's eyes settle on the cast, a small snort escaping his throat while he rolled his eyes and took a sip of his drink. Hiram's hand moved to her injured fingers while he gently examined them.

"How's the pain Quinn?"

She smiled softly across the table at him, a feeling of warmth filling her at the look of judgment free sympathy crossed his features. "It's not that bad. I haven't taken any of the painkillers you prescribed since you casted it."

"If you need them, it's not dangerous to take them."

"I'm fine without them so far."

"Well, as long as it's not swelling too—"

"Are you seriously going to sit here and act as though this _injury _was received in an appropriate and acceptable manner that deserves your sympathy?"

He gently put her hand down and smiled again at Quinn before he turned his attention back to his husband. "She was defending our little girl Leroy. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to hit Finn myself after the way he treated Rachel over the summer."

"We raised our daughter to believe that violence is unacceptable."

_**It's a good thing that he's never seen her slap Finn herself.**_

_**No kidding.**_

_**Or the time she had to physically be held back from attacking those football players.**_

_**That was hysterical.**_

_**I know, she was all kicking feet and waving arms in the air. **_

_**She's seriously adorable. **_

"That's enough. You know she only hit Finn because—"

"Wait, you're defending physical violence now? What's happened to you Rachel?"

"You weren't there, you didn't hear the things he was saying to me, the way he was manhandling me."

Quinn took a deep breath and glanced down at her daughter again, forcing herself to remain calm for Beth's sake. "Finn grabbed her and lifted her so hard into the air that I'm surprised he didn't hurt her ankle or knee. The things he then proceeded to say about her were completely inappropriate. I admit that I probably shouldn't have hit him, but I saw him hurting her and I… I needed to stop it."

Rachel turned to look at Quinn, her face the picture of confusion. "You don't owe him an explanation. You don't have to defend yourself Quinn. You shouldn't even have to sit her and take this, he's being downright horrible to you."

"If your father is ever going to come to accept our relationship, I have to show him that your happiness is more important than the hurtful things he throws my way."

"You don't have to prove anything to him."

"I'm your father Rachel."

"Well, right now you're not being a very good father." She turned to Shelby. "I apologize for this Shelby, I really thought we could have a nice dinner, but if you'll excuse me I've lost my appetite."

Quinn sighed softly and kissed Beth's head before she handed her over to Shelby and slid out of the booth to let Rachel out, her attention back on Beth while Rachel gathered their coats and silently headed for the door.

The car was quiet while Rachel focused on the road in front of her and Quinn watched the scenery pass by, her brow furrowing when she realized they were not going in the direction of the school.

"Where are we going?"

"I want to stop at home and pack a bag for the night. I was going to stop by and do it later, but I don't want to see my father."

Quinn turned to look at her. "A bag, for what?"

"Seriously? I want to stay with you tonight."

Quinn opened and closed her mouth, quiet for a minute while she thought about what to say to her in response.

_**Tell her the truth.**_

_**No. I don't want to worry her.**_

_**Tell her. Just open your mouth and repeat after me.**_

_**Stop that.**_

_**Say 'Rachel, we can't stay at my place because some assholes threw a brick through my window and then chucked half full beer bottles and cherry bombs through the broken glass until the cops arrived.' **_

_**I'm not saying that.**_

_**Say 'had you been there, the glass would have torn up your legs since that's the side of the bed you sleep on, and I can't take the idea that you could have been hurt.'**_

_**I said no. She'll worry. She doesn't need anymore stress than she already has.**_

_**You promised to talk to her about things.**_

_**Her relationship with her father is falling apart, we're being harassed at school, Finn has been relentless, and she's already worried about my hand. She doesn't need anymore.**_

_**I'm warning you that this is going to backfire.**_

_**I'm thinking about her.**_

"Um… you can't stay with me tonight Rach."

"What? What do you mean?"

"I'm, my window is broken and it's freezing in there. I'm not even staying there tonight. I'm staying at Santana's tonight."

"Wait, there's something wrong with your apartment, and instead of staying with me, you chose to stay with Santana? And on top of that, you weren't even going to tell me?"

"Come on Rachel, there's no way your father would let me stay at your house. Even if he did, it would be beyond uncomfortable and I don't even want to think about the fight it would cause. I don't want to make bigger problems for your dads. They're already fighting because of me."

"You could have told me. We could've talked about it. You didn't consider that I've already discussed you staying there some weekends with them?"

"I don't think you realize exactly how uncomfortable it would be for me to stay there."

"So, I'm not worth it?"

Quinn sighed, two fingers squeezing the bridge of her nose as she realized this was going to be a fight if she didn't handle it just right. "Look, the cast party is at Santana's tonight, I assumed we would be there anyway. There's no reason we can't both stay there."

"You'd rather spend the night at a party than alone with me?"

"That's not what I'm saying, and you know it. I know you're upset after what just happened in the restaurant, but don't take it out on me."

Rachel tightened her grip on the steering wheel even as she pulled up in front of her house. "Maybe I should just stay home tonight."

"That's your choice." She bit her lip as Rachel put the car back in drive and pulled away from the house, her entire body tense while she drove silently towards the school.

She pulled into the partially empty parking lot and cut the engine, her hands on the steering wheel while she stared out the window at the empty football field. "Do you really not care if I go home alone tonight while you go to a party with your friends?"

Quinn clicked her seatbelt free and turned to lean over the console, one finger hooking under Rachel's jaw to turn her head. "Rachel, do you really have to ask me that?"

"Apparently I do."

"I just spent an hour in the most awkward and uncomfortable situation I think I've ever been in, and that's saying a lot considering that I lived with Puck and his mom when I was pregnant. Do you have any idea what it's like to sit at a breakfast table while the father of your child gets chastised by his mother about crusty socks?"

Rachel scrunched up her nose and turned to look at her. "That's completely disgusting."

"Don't forget mortifying when she blamed me for providing 'inspiration' for his behavior."

"Other than distracting me by making me want to be chemically hosed, did you have a point?"

"My point is, I sat at that table for you."

She was quiet for a few seconds until she rolled her eyes and dropped her hands to her lap. "So if you're willing to face awkwardness at the dinner table, why aren't you willing to brave it and stay at my house?"

"Don't you think there's enough stress in your house without me staying there? You have to go up on that stage all weekend long Rach, you don't need more stress. Between your father hating me, and Finn being a complete jackass, and being tortured at school every day you really deserve some time off from stressful situations."

"Are you sure that's all it is?"

"What else would it be?" Quinn bit her lip, realizing her voice had been a little too high pitched when she had responded.

_**Oh my god just tell her.**_

_**No. **_

_**She knows you're hiding something. **_

_**Shut up and relax and she won't know.**_

_**Why should I help you?**_

_**Because Rachel has to go on that stage in like an hour and a half and she needs to be calm.**_

"Come on Rach, you need to relax before the show. You can't be distracted by this when you go on that stage. I don't want to be the reason you aren't one hundred percent when you're up there."

"How am I supposed to relax after that fight with my dad?"

Quinn arched an eyebrow and tucked her finger under her chin again, this time turning her head to meet her lips. Her hand slid up into dark hair when she felt Rachel melt into the kiss. She leaned further over the console when she felt Rachel's hand gently cup her neck to pull her closer as she deepened the kiss, her tongue brushing against Quinn's as something sparked to life between them. When Rachel groaned in frustration after her seatbelt held her in place after she tried to lean forward she pulled back, breathing heavily. Quinn smiled and rested her forehead against Rachel's while she attempted to calm her racing heart. "You know, it's been a week since we kissed like that."

"I know." She pulled back and pushed the button to release her seatbelt and leaned forward to begin kissing her way up Quinn's throat.

Quinn's eyes rolled up into her head and a small noise escaped her throat when she felt a small bite on her neck as Rachel made her way slowly up her neck towards her ear lobe. A flash of headlights caught her attention and she stiffened as she realized they were still in the parking lot of the school.

_**This is so not a good place for this. You're out in the middle of a parking lot, alone, at the school where half of the football team could show up any minute. You need to get Rachel safely inside where there are people. **_

_**But, she's kissing my neck.**_

_**Listen, horn ball, she could get hurt. If she had been in that bed…**_

_**I know. I just haven't kissed her like this in—**_

_**A week, I know, that's not really that long. You really need to get her safely inside, if she gets hurt you'll never forgive yourself.**_

_**Fine. But for the record, I hate you sometimes. **_

"Rachel, this really isn't the best place for this." She could hear how deep and throaty her own voice sounded and realized she needed to get Rachel to stop kissing her neck or this would be a losing battle.

"Do you want to move to the back seat?"

Quinn felt a pang of desire shoot through her stomach as Rachel murmured the words against her throat breathily and she shuddered. "No, I mean, here. We should go inside. You have a show, and Shelby and your dads are going to show up soon."

Rachel pulled back to look at her, eyes slightly unfocused. "What?"

"We shouldn't be doing this here."

"Are you seriously saying that in the hour we have before we have to be inside you'd rather be sitting back stage going over a script than making out with me?"

_**Tell her you're worried about her.**_

_**No. **_

_**You seriously suck. **_

When Quinn remained silent, Rachel let go of her and turned to face forward in her seat, her hands back on the steering wheel. "I can't believe this."

"Rachel, I just—"

"Are you upset with me because of my father, because I think I've been pretty clear about taking your side."

"I'm not upset with you about anything, I just don't think this is the best time and place for this. Do we really need your father to catch us making out in the back of your car?"

"So, are we just going to base everything on my father? When you see me, when you call me, when you kiss me? Is that how it starts?"

"How what starts?"

"The end of… us."

"Rachel, that's ridiculous. Look, I know you're really upset that your father is putting you in this position, but everything is fine with us."

"Is it really?"

"Yes."

"Then why has it even been a week since you've kissed me?"

"Because a lot's been going on. It's nothing. Rachel, please calm down, this is not a big deal. Tonight you'll come with me to Santana's party and we'll sneak off to her room while everyone's downstairs. She and Brit used to do it at my house all the time, it's my turn to use her room. Ok?"

Quinn leaned forward to seal the deal with a short kiss, stopping mid lean when Rachel whispered her response. "What if one of the football players or Finn walks in?"

"Wait, what?"

"The football players are the Jets remember? If they go to the party then Finn might show up too. After an entire summer of dating him, I can definitely say that he never misses a party."

_**Fuck. **_

_**Yeah. **_

_**I have to keep her away from that party.**_

_**This isn't going to go well.**_

_**I know. **_

"You know what? Maybe you really should just go home tonight. You do have another matinee tomorrow and we'll be up until who knows how late if we go to the party."

"What?"

"Rachel, I know how important this show is to you. We'll have a ton of school parties and after this weekend we'll have plenty of time together without rehearsals getting in the way, and then there's winter break in a week."

"So, now you don't want me to go to the party."

"Rach, this has nothing to—"

"You now what Quinn, before last weekend you were amazing and we spent every second we could get together, and now… oh my god I'm so stupid."

"What?"

"Last weekend we ma…" She paused and swallowed, her voice getting quiet as she altered what she was about to say. "… had sex, and now you're being all weird and distant and blowing me off. Was Finn right about this, was it all some scheme to you to get me where you wanted me? You got what you wanted and now you're just going to what, be weird until I get the hint and end things for you?"

_**Ouch.**_

_**No kidding.**_

_**That's what you get when you lie to her…**_

_**I don't need that right now. **_

_**You're right, I'm sorry. She can't mean that though, after everything we've shared, after everything I've shared.**_

Quinn took in a small breath and let it out slowly, attempting to swallow the hurt that swelled up in her stomach at Rachel's accusation. "I can't believe you just said that to me. After everything, I've never opened up to anyone the way I have with you, never allowed myself to be vulnerable and you still think it's just some elaborate ruse to…" She felt the walls closing in around her and she struggled to breath under the weight of it. "…you know what, Rachel. Do whatever you want."

She pushed the car door open and went to step out into the cold night air, pausing with her back to Rachel before she escaped. "You can accuse me of whatever you want, but last weekend meant something to me. It wasn't just sex. If it was to you, then maybe we really are headed towards the end of us." She closed the door and wrapped her arms around herself against the cold as she blindly headed for the warmth of the school in front of her.

_**Go back. **_

_**No. This time she needs to apologize. She's the one that hurt me, and she's wrong.**_

_**You lied to her, you made it look like—**_

_**No. I've been doing everything I can to make her feel how much I love her. Me being stressed out is no reason for her to… I'm an idiot.**_

_**I'm not usually one to argue with that, but why, exactly?**_

_**She doesn't trust me. **_

_**What now?**_

_**She doesn't trust me, not completely. A part of her still expects me to hurt her. A part of her still looks at me as the Quinn Fabray that tortured her. **_

_**She wouldn't have—**_

_**Apparently she would have. **_

_**Well, what do we do now?**_

_**All I can do is wait for her to decide if she's going to choose to trust me or let this be the end of us.**_

The choir room was mostly dark, the only illumination pouring in from the open doorways that Quinn had turned her back to while she sat at the piano, absently staring down at the keys in front of her.

"You know, as a doctor in a small community, I've become quite close with several police officers. When you're friends with cops, they tell you things, especially about people that they know are a part of your life."

Quinn nodded silently and ran her hands silently over the keyboard as if she were playing the song that was playing in her head. She arched an eyebrow, but didn't lift her gaze when Hiram moved closer and leaned on the piano to look at her.

"Have you told Rachel about the boys coming after you at your apartment?"

She shook her head no and chewed on her bottom lip, still struggling with the emotions of the fight in the parking lot.

"Are you going to?"

"I don't want to. She's under enough stress without adding something new."

"You know, if you keep things bottled up for long enough it does eventually add up until it ends up coming out in ways that aren't always the best."

"I want to be something good in her life, I've already brought enough pain into her world in the past."

"Looks to me like you are something good, and that she's forgiven you for your past."

"Does it? I'm not so sure."

He was silent for a few seconds, his fingers tapping absently on the piano while he watched her fingers moving across the keys. "We both know Rachel has a flare for the, uh, dramatic, that being said she's been surprisingly tight lipped when you two fight but I still know my daughter. I'm not sure if this particular fight was about what happened in the restaurant, or something else, but I do know that she's Rachel and she'll want to fix it."

"Well, at least one of us is sure she wants to fix it."

"When Rachel's upset, she tends to get lost in her emotions and say things she wouldn't normally say."

"That doesn't mean she isn't thinking them the rest of the time."

"One of the things I've always disliked about Leroy is that when he's upset he knows how to hit where it hurts. I'm afraid she might have picked that up from him."

"Yeah."

He straightened up and put one hand in his pocket, silent while he continued to look down at her avoidant gaze. Finally he cleared his throat and continued. "So do you have a place to stay while your apartment is fixed?"

"Did she send you in here to convince me to stay at your house?"

"Actually, Rachel doesn't know I'm talking to you at all, I told her I needed to use the restroom."

"I don't think your husband would approve of me staying at your house."

"I've spoken to him about it, and we came to the conclusion that it's not just his house and majority rules."

"I don't want to cause more problems between the two of you."

"Quinn, the problems that Leroy and I are having started before you came into the picture. The bottom line here, is that you make Rachel happy, and we have an empty guest room that's really quite comfortable. I'd really rather you were someplace that the local jocks couldn't get to you, and I don't see them bothering you at our house, especially since a cop lives across the street."

"I appreciate the offer, but I really think that I've reached my stress limit for the day, dinner didn't exactly go well as you're more than aware."

"Did you know that Leroy works nights some weekends? There's a reason we came for the matinee. I was the only one in the audience tonight. Hopefully, you'll take that into consideration when you decide on your sleeping arrangements for the evening."

"I can't stay in your guest room forever."

"One of my cop friends rents out the house next door to him a few blocks away from us. He mentioned it's going to be vacant soon, I told him to expect your call."

"Why are you being so nice to me Hiram?"

"I grew up in a home like yours Quinn, my father wasn't exactly a saint. I'm not the angry young man I once was before I got away from him, and I know you're not the girl that used to slushy Rachel. I happen to agree with Shelby, that you two are quite good for each other. I've never seen her this happy. Finn certainly didn't make her feel like this, and he certainly couldn't offer her the future you can."

"Daddy?" Rachel's voice sounded from somewhere down the hall and he turned towards the door, silently taking the few steps towards it. "Daddy are you…" Her voice trailed off as she reached him and spotted Quinn behind him.

"Well, I never did get to the restroom, so if you'll excuse me."

Quinn could feel Rachel behind her, knew she would be tucking her hair behind her ear before her hands found their way back to each other to twirl whatever rings she was wearing nervously around her finger. "You gave a particularly intense performance tonight."

"I had some last minute inspiration."

Quinn nodded, ignoring the urge to look at her, hating that she felt a pang in her chest at the sad tone in Rachel's voice.

_**Don't you dare cave first. She hurt you. She owes you an apology.**_

_**Yeah.**_

"I thought you already left with Santana and Britney. They didn't stick around very long after the show."

"I didn't really feel like going to a party."

"Quinn, I didn't, I was hurt and I wasn't really thinking about what I was saying and—"

"I've noticed that when you're really upset and just let things pour out of you, they tend to be the things you think but don't normally say."

"That's not true, I don't actually think that about you."

"Don't you? You don't trust me Rachel."

"If I didn't trust you I wouldn't have—"

"Don't." She closed her eyes and focused on reigning herself in, unwilling to let this turn into another fight. "I thought we had moved beyond our past. But we can't really ever do that can we? You'll never really trust that I would never do anything on purpose to hurt you, that I'm not that person anymore."

"I know you're not."

"Do you?"

She took the few steps she had left to get to the piano, her eyes desperately trying to meet Quinn's avoidant gaze as she stood with her hand gripping the wood in front of her. "I can't even begin to express how sorry I am for what I said to you, I didn't mean it. I amaze myself sometimes at how trapped in my own head I can get, and of what comes out when I do. You've just been so different this week, and I've been terrified that it means something for us."

"Last weekend was a big deal for me Rachel. Between Puck, and my summer, letting myself be… like that, it wasn't just—"

"I know. It meant a lot to me too. I was trying to minimize it in case you were about to hurt me."

Quinn sighed and slid to the edge of the piano bench, her hands finally leaving the keys when she turned away from them to look at Rachel. "I can't really stay mad at you for this, not after I've done the same thing to you so many times."

"You can. I hurt you. I shouldn't have said any of that to you. I just hope you'll let me make it up to you somehow."

"I don't want to fight anymore tonight. I've had my fill of stress for the week."

"I'm so sorry, I—"

"Let's just get out of here, ok?"

Rachel nodded and dropped her eyes to the floor. "Where do you want to go? The party?"

"No. Your father invited me to stay in your guest room."

Her eyes snapped back up to Quinn's. "I thought you didn't want to stay at my house."

"I'm really tired Rach, I just want to be near you tonight, even if it's a room away." She stood and turned towards the door, her breath catching when she suddenly felt a hand on her arm pulling her back and spinning her around to meet soft lips against her own. The kiss was gentle, tentative, and over before she could even really respond and Rachel was hugging her tighter than she probably intended. Quinn let out a small sigh and lifted her arms to hold her in place when she started to pull back, her eyes closing while she let herself absorb the comfort of the embrace.

Quinn glared at the tablet in front of her, eyes narrowing as she swiped a finger across the screen and discarded it on the dresser off to her side behind her. She glanced at the clock and swept her eyes across the carefully set table in front of her, her hands smoothing away imaginary lint from the black dress she was wearing before she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and stared at the door to the spacious hotel room.

_**Why isn't she back yet?**_

_**Oh my god, she's like two minutes late, calm down.**_

_**Seriously? You want me to be calm? The last four days have been a complete disaster, and we're only halfway into this train wreck of a trip.**_

_**What did you expect? The second Leroy announced that he had decided to come along, you had to realize this wouldn't go well. **_

_**Yeah well, what was I supposed to do? Back out of a trip Hiram and I planned every tiny detail to? Stay home?**_

_**No. But you could have thought of sending them off to do things on their own sooner.**_

_**It's not like there's a ton of wiggle room, like I said, carefully planned. **_

_**Yeah, well plans change. You planned this to help reconnect with Rachel, and that hasn't exactly happened either.**_

_**That's because fucking Leroy is constantly staring at me and making those faces. I thought he was going to have an aneurism when I tried to hold Rachel's hand yesterday.**_

_**Yeah well, she's not exactly being herself either. **_

_**I noticed.**_

_**Did you? Because you seem so focused on not pissing off Leroy that you barely interact with her.**_

_**You know what, I'm doing the best I can. She's being just as weird. She keeps staring off into space and avoiding eye contact, and she isn't exactly initiating any physical contact either. **_

_**Yeah I noticed. She's been weird since your fight last weekend. **_

_**Can you blame her? You've been distant and all paranoid, constantly jittery and looking around you, you kind of resemble a ferret on speed.**_

_**What the fuck kind of thing is that to say?**_

_**What? It's true.**_

_**Have I mentioned that you're really not helpful sometimes?**_

_**Oh come on, she probably still thinks your upset about what she said.**_

_**Well, I'm not. **_

_**Maybe you should have made a little effort to prove that. **_

_**I'm here aren't I?**_

_**Seriously? That's your answer, that you showed up for a trip that you had already agreed to go on?**_

_**I could have stayed home, she doesn't know how much effort I put into this trip, she also has no idea that I paid for the whole thing.**_

_**Is it possible to make you kick yourself?**_

_**What's your problem?**_

_**You do realize that the brief excuse for hand holding that you freaked out about when Leroy gave you an evil look is the first time you've actually touched her at all since that disaster of a kiss in her car last weekend?**_

_**Is it really?**_

_**Yeah.**_

_**Well, crap. **_

_**Uh huh. **_

_**Well, I sent them to dinner, and we'll be alone for hours tonight.**_

_**Uh huh. **_

_**Stop that. **_

_**Uh huh. **_

_**Shut up, the door is opening. **_

Rachel paused in the doorway when she saw the table, her expression one of surprise as she closed the door and moved towards the bed to drop her coat and the folder in her hand on the end of it.

"What's all this? Where are my fathers?"

_**She looks sad, why does she look sad?**_

_**I don't know, what else did you do?**_

_**I didn't do anything. Maybe she's just tired.**_

"I sent them off to a nice restaurant for dinner. I thought we could use a night off from parental guidance." Rachel's eyebrows lifted and she sank down to the edge of the bed, her eyes still on the table.

_**I don't think that's tired, seriously, what did you do?**_

"How did you convince my dad to go?"

"I let Leroy convince him. It wasn't as hard as you might think, especially once he found out where they were going for dinner. I thought maybe you would rather stay in tonight, you had a long day and we have every other night booked while we're here. I wanted us to have some time alone." Quinn furrowed her brow, her smile faltering as Rachel failed to react the way she thought she would, instead turning to take off her shoes, her eyes never moving to look at Quinn. She stood, smoothing the tantalizing dress she had bought for the evening, suddenly slightly uncomfortable wearing it after recognizing the tension that still filled the air between them.

"That was really sweet. Thank you for the night off."

"Rachel, what's wrong?"

"I'm just a little confused."

_**See, this is what you get for waiting to be out of Lima to try and reconnect with her. This is what happens when you let stress from those idiots interfere with talking to her and focusing on her.**_

_**Yes, thank you captain obvious.**_

_**Don't get snarky with me, you're the idiot that's been too worried about attacks to relax and be with her.**_

"Confused about what?"

"All of this. I mean, before we left Lima I kind of expected you to back out of the trip, and since we've been here… well, I just didn't really, I didn't think you would want to be alone with me."

"Rach, I know things have been, off for a while now. I guess ever since that argument with Finn a few weeks ago, ever since I keep expecting the next thing to happen to us. I thought this trip would give us a chance to spend time together without all of that stress that's always around us, but then Leroy came along and…" She sighed and leaned against the dresser behind her, her arms folded over her chest. "… I've been trying so hard not to piss him off too much. It's so hard to know how to interact with you with him around twenty four seven. The looks he gives me when I go anywhere near you, I thought he was going to kill me when I tried to hold your hand."

"So, wait, you're saying your problem has just been stress?"

"Yeah, what did you think it was?"

"You've just been so…distant the last few weeks. I thought maybe you just didn't feel the same anymore. That you didn't think things were working between us, I actually thought maybe you were going to try and end things soon, that it's all been too much with the bodyguard duty Shelby and Mr. Shue have imposed on us, my father, your broken hand…you haven't talked much since dad made you go to the hospital, you shouldn't have hit Finn you know. I guess I saw this and didn't understand the point of going through the motions if…" She trailed off her voice low.

_**See. Idiot.**_

"Wait, you thought I was going to break up with you? That this was just me, what, being nice because we're _stuck_ on a trip together?"

"You don't have to make me sound ridiculous. Things haven't been going well recently."

"And you thought this is how I would do that?"

"Well...yeah. I don't think you could ever be cruel about it, I would like to believe that you would do it as nicely as possible."

"Look around you...there's soft music playing, a romantic candle lit dinner for two is on the table, there's flowers everywhere...and what kind of horrible tease would I be to wear a practically see through skin tight dress to break up with you?" Rachel's eyes travelled the curves of Quinn's body, seeming to notice the dress for the first time.

"I honestly didn't notice the dress."

"Wow that's an ego booster...it's practically lingerie Rach..."

"Well I see that now. I wasn't looking at you before, I think I was afraid of what I'd see if I did."

"I'm so sorry Rach. I didn't think…I thought we were both just tense about everything, I didn't realize. I'm just constantly expecting them to hurt you somehow, I really have to get better at this whole communication thing."

"Things were already tense, and we never seemed to recover from our fight last weekend."

"Why do you think I arranged all of this? This whole trip was to try and get us to reconnect someplace where other people couldn't ruin anything, I wanted to get back to just us...the way it was before everyone knew." She watched as Rachel's eyes left their meandering path up her body to meet her gaze, a look of confusion on her face.

"Wait, I thought my father arranged the trip for my auditions, I invited you along."

"I may have pulled Hiram aside a couple of weeks ago and planned out a few things with him, but when Leroy decided to come, a lot of that plan went out the window."

"Did you pay for this? I thought it was a little pricey for my father."

"Is that really what's important here?"

"So, wait, this has been you stressed out? Not pulling away? And you were actually refusing to let me stay at your apartment because of a broken window? That wasn't just an excuse?"

_**Did I mention you're an idiot? Show her you still want her moron.**_

She moved to sit beside her on the bed, one hand lifting to brush against Rachel's cheek. "It's been killing me to keep you away from my apartment Rach, I miss being with you so much... I miss being able to hold you, to touch you. I miss us. I love you, you know that, I guess I just haven't said it in a while."

She watched the tension melt from Rachel's body as she listened to her and nodded silently in response, her eyes a myriad of emotions as she sat beside her leaning into the hand on her face. Quinn leaned forward to kiss her, her eyes slipping closed at the feel of Rachel's arms coming around her, at the feeling that she had just somehow come home.

She had intended the kiss to be gentle, sweet, but had found herself unable to resist as she felt Rachel tentatively trying to deepen the contact. She knew that part of the reason Rachel had doubted her recently had been the lack of physical contact between them. At first, she had been distracted by her injury, adjusting to the cast hadn't been easy. But as time wore on, other things had gotten in the way, and it seemed as though something was always preventing any intimacy between them. Now, however, all she could think about was the fact that they were alone and Rachel was kissing her.

_**You know, their reservation was for like fifteen minutes ago, so they're just sitting down to dinner.**_

_**They are, aren't they. **_

_**That gives you at least two hours.**_

_**It does, doesn't it?**_

_**She's sucking on your tongue.**_

_**Oh god, I want her.**_

_**So do something about it.**_

Quinn moaned as she suddenly shifted, pushing Rachel back down on the bed, lifting her mouth long enough to pull the shirt over the brunette's head before tossing it somewhere behind them. Rachel giggled at her as she pulled her closer, mumbling as Quinn started to nibble on her throat.

"Did you just realize I was here?"

"No, but I did just realized we aren't in your fathers' house, they're going to be gone for at least two hours, and I haven't been alone with you in entirely too long."

"Two hours?"

"Yup."

"In that case…" She trailed off as she reached around, unzipping the back of the dress, pushing it down her shoulders, revealing a set of matching black lacy bra and panties. She raked her eyes over her body before she pulled her back down and kissed her hungrily, fully reassured by the obvious desire her girlfriend was barely containing. Quinn moved back down to her throat, intent on kissing her way down the body beneath her own. "See, if you just did this more often I wouldn't have to worry so much." Quinn smiled against the skin she was teasing.

"I'll find a new apartment when we get back, then you can stay again." She moved her hands to Rachel's back to unclasp her bra, her hands immediately moving to cup her breasts as the cloth fell away. She heard Rachel moan at the contact and changed her course, moving back up from the flat stomach she had been kissing to pull a nipple into her mouth, feeling something ignite deep in her stomach at the louder moan and the hands that tangled in her hair.

She slid her hand below Rachel's waistband, deciding two hours was enough time to ease the ache for Rachel, and then take things slow a second time around. Desire stabbed painfully through her body as she felt how wet Rachel already was, realizing she must have been driving the girl up a wall by limiting their encounters. She slid a finger into the slick entrance, feeling Rachel's nails dig into her back as she thrust her hips against Quinn's hand. She pulled Quinn's head back to her mouth, swallowing a loud moan as tongues slid together, her other hand digging into Quinn's lower back even harder as she attempted to pull her even closer. She curled her fingers, beginning to move them against slick folds, her thumb sliding against a swollen clit.

She didn't pay attention to the muffled voices that were somewhere down the hall, knowing the hotel was rather full. She also didn't notice the sound of a slamming door or footsteps, too distracted by the half naked body below her and the lips that were hungrily devouring her own. She did however recognize the angry male voice that seemed to appear behind her as if by some sort of cruel magic.

"What the hell is going on here?" She jerked sideways, ripping her hand out of Rachel's pants before grabbing the blanket in an attempt to cover her topless girlfriend, as a male hand grabbed her arm and jerked her violently backwards from the bed.

"Dad!" She barely had time to register the situation before she slammed into the wall across from the bed. Pain shot bright red in the back of her head and her wrist, her eyes scrunching shut as she instinctively curled in on herself and waited for blows to reign down on her.

"Leroy! What the hell are you doing?" She felt the hand on her arm disappear, and she opened her eyes, realizing her casted arm was in front of her face attempting to ward off the attack.

"Get away from her!" She found herself unable to move as she watched Rachel shoot off the bed to push Leroy back as hard as she could while one arm held her discarded coat over her chest.

Hiram quickly launched himself into the scuffle as he grabbed his husband's shoulders and pulled him back towards the door that joined the rooms. She heard the door slam as the two men disappeared, muffled yelling quickly following the abrupt departure.

"Are you ok?" She found herself blinking, still stunned, as Rachel rushed over to her immediately checking the back of her head, anger filling her features as she felt the bump that was already forming.

"I'm fine…Rach, really, I'm ok. I was just surprised." She moved away from the wall, her hand still in between Rachel's as she turned it over, examining the cast. "I really need to be wearing more than this right now though."

Rachel released her hand and quickly moved towards the bathroom door to grab the big fluffy robe that was hanging there. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Rachel head for her own shirt, quickly scooping it up and pulling it over her head. She could still hear the men yelling in the room next door, and she looked over at Rachel, unsure what she should do. Rachel clearly had no such trouble as she stormed towards the door, anger taking over her features, now that she had examined Quinn for obvious injury and put her shirt back on. She watched as Rachel threw the door open, hands immediately going to her hips as a surprised Hiram turned from his husband at the noise.

"What did you just think you were doing?" Quinn's eyebrows shot up towards her hairline, her mouth dropping open slightly at the fury in Rachel's voice.

"Don't you talk to me like that, I'm your father!"

"You just threw her against a wall! Do you have any idea what she's been through? You don't get to touch her! Didn't you see her? She thought you were going to hit her! I thought you were going to hit her! You could have seriously hurt her!"

"You better watch your tone Rachel."

"I will not. What are you going to do? Throw me against a wall too?"

"Ok, Ok. Everyone just calm down." Hiram stepped around his husband, his hand coming up to Rachel's shoulder attempting to soothe her, but she stood her ground firmly glaring angrily around him at Leroy.

"No. I will not calm down about this. You know what's happened to her, what he did to her and you think you can just treat her like that? Like it's nothing? I won't allow anyone to ever treat her like that again. I'm sick and tired of you treating her like she doesn't matter."

"I'll treat her however I see fit. You're my daughter and she was…you were…what I saw was inappropriate."

"Inappropriate! Who are you to decide that? I'm eighteen now, I'm not a little girl anymore. I can do what I want with who I want in my own room, which Quinn is paying for I might add. You just barged in without even knocking."

"Rachel, you need to calm down. He's still your father. We're still your parents."

"No, he's not. My father would never have thrown her into a wall like that, would never have raised his hand to her. I don't know who he is anymore, all I know is he's not who I thought he was." Leroy backed up, his face falling at her words, pain replacing the anger that had filled his eyes.

"Rachel, how can you say that?"

"You actually hurt her. I heard her hit that wall from the other side of the room, there's already a lump on the back of her skull. Never mind the damage you could have done to her already broken hand. If I didn't push you away…I think you might have actually hit her. I never thought the day would come where I would be ashamed to have you for a father."

"Rach…don't do this, it's ok. I'm fine, I understand, I was-"

"God, would you stop saying that! It's not ok. Stop trying to protect me for five minutes and think about yourself for once. You need to stop thinking it's ok for people to treat you like this Quinn. I am so tired of you acting like everything bad anyone does to you is your fault." Quinn blinked, her eyes dropping to the floor as Rachel stormed past her and slammed the door as she disappeared into her room. She kept her eyes on the floor, unsure of what to do, as the room remained uncomfortably silent until Hiram finally cleared his throat and walked towards her.

"Can I check your hand? How bad is the lump on your head?"

"I'm fine. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for-"

"Don't apologize. It's ok Quinn."

"It's not ok." Quinn turned towards Leroy's angry voice, dropping her hand down and slightly behind herself to protect it. "She can't just come in here and destroy this family and-"

"No Leroy, that's what you're doing."

"Excuse me?"

"Look, I understood your reservations about Quinn in the beginning, really I did. But the truth is that you were way out of line. Aside from the fact that you actually did hurt her, which she would be well within her rights to actually press charges against you for by the way-"

_**Maybe you should.**_

_**No! I would never do that, he's not like my father, he's usually such a good father to Rachel. He would never hurt her. I can't do that to them.**_

"No! I would never-" Leroy held up a hand, smiling affectionately at her before he turned back to his husband, and she returned her eyes to the wall behind the angry man, afraid to meet his gaze.

"You haven't been paying attention Leroy. Quinn has been treating Rachel with nothing but respect, kindness, and love. She's even put her own safety and well being completely aside to protect her. She loves her, and she's actually a better partner for Rachel than anyone I really could have ever hoped for. You need to take a cue from your own daughter, and learn that people can change. You certainly have."

_**This is not going well.**_

_**No, no it's not. **_

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means, Rachel is right, I don't know who you are lately either. You were so quick to judge Quinn, but what were you doing in there?"

"I was protecting my baby."

_**Seriously, I might die right here in this spot. He saw me, in almost nothing, on top of his half naked daughter while I was...oh god this whole situation is so wrong.**_

_**She was enjoying it.**_

_**So not the point.**_

"She's not your baby anymore. She's eighteen, not seven, and all you're doing is pushing everyone away from you with this behavior. Look, believe me, I understand not liking the idea of Rachel being a..." He glanced at Quinn, looking more embarrassed than she cared to acknowledge, before he rolled his eyes and turned back to Leroy. "…sexually active young woman, but she is in fact growing up. It's unreasonable to expect her to wait until she's thirty."

_**Oh my god, kill me now. I'm locked in a room with Rachel's fathers while they talk about my sex life with her.**_

"She's still under my roof."

"I would like to point out that this isn't your roof. Quinn has been completely respectful in our home. This is a hotel in New York that as Rachel pointed out, she paid for. Rachel is in a committed relationship Leroy. She can't get pregnant, and Quinn is a clean and respectful young woman."

"Clean? She was a stripper."

"Why does everyone think stripper means prostitute?"

_**You said that out loud.**_

_**Crap! Do your damn job!**_

_**Sorry, but it needed to be said.**_

"Leroy, I took care of her in the emergency room that night, we did a full blood workup on her she's clean. I also don't believe she would actually do what you're suggesting, despite your refusal to see it, Quinn is a good girl."

_**I am? I didn't know he thought that.**_

_**Of course you are, I keep telling you that.**_

_**Well, what do you know?**_

"I…I just don't think I can support this. In fact, I don't think I can allow it to go on in my house anymore."

"Then you'll lose your daughter. She's not going to pick you in this situation. You need to wake up and smell the coffee. She's made her choice. She loves Quinn, and if you try to stand in her way you'll lose her for good."

"This is a high school relationship. She was angry at me for Finn, she got over it."

"You really don't see it, do you? If you really think this is going to end with the school year, you're fooling yourself. Do you know that this young woman is already working on finding them a place out here? That she has an entire day of taking Rachel to look at apartments planned? Did you know that she has offered to pay for Rachel's tuition, no matter where she gets accepted? Did you know that her Christmas present to us is our house?"

"What?"

"She paid off our mortgage, free and clear."

"So, she's just spending everything she won? Hoping to throw money at us to fix what she did?"

"You can seriously be thick. The girl can pay anything to anyone with what she's actually worth, and instead of giving us flashy gifts, she's giving us whatever she can think of to make our lives easier, so we won't have to work as hard. You know what though Leroy, I don't think you deserve it right now. In fact, I don't think you even deserve this trip. I think you should go home."

"You're not serious."

"I am. I want you to go back early, alone. I also think you should take a good long look at what this week is like without Rachel and myself. I want you to see what you'll be missing if you don't turn back into the man that I married."

"Hiram. You can't mean this, not over this girl."

"I told you, I don't like the man I saw today. This isn't about her, this is about your reactions, your personality changes as of late. I won't stand by and watch you become someone I can't stand to look at. You threw her across the room Leroy. Rachel might be convinced in the future that you wouldn't have actually hit her, but you and I both know you would have in that moment. I know all too well what you are actually capable of after last year. We've been over this, I won't tolerate this kind of behavior." He headed for the door, holding it open as he gestured for Quinn to follow him. "You have a lot of thinking to do."

He shut the door behind them, a shaky sigh escaping him as he put his arm around Quinn's shoulders. "This isn't your fault Quinn, things have been going on with Leroy that you don't know about. Can you do me a favor and be there for Rachel right now? I really just need some time to calm down." He pulled her into a hug, and then knocked on Rachel's door before he headed down the hallway mumbling something about needing a drink.

Quinn was still watching him enter the elevator when the door swung open, revealing Rachel's back as she walked away from the open doorway. Quinn took a deep breath as she closed the door behind her, leaning against it, she watched Rachel pace back and forth at the foot of the bed.

"You really did all that?"

"What?"

"Paid off their mortgage? Told them to keep my college money?"

"Yes."

"How are you doing all of this? What about you?"

"Do we really have to talk about this right now? After everything that just happened here?"

"We've been putting off talking for long enough, don't you think?"

She sighed and moved to sit on the edge of the bed, gingerly resting her hand on her lap, her eyes focused on it as she wondered if it was broken again. "My family's money doesn't come from my father, he didn't have a dime when he met my mother. It all comes from my grandfather. He never approved of my father, hated him in fact. The few shares of his companies that he actually gave my mother to make sure she didn't have to always rely on my father, is where everything they have came from."

"How many companies did he own?"

"Enough."

"So, he left you a trust fund, or what?"

"No. When I turned twenty five I was supposed to become the majority shareholder of everything he didn't leave my mother. I just didn't know it. My father was trying to find a way to keep it for themselves. If this hadn't happened, I might never have seen it. It makes me uncomfortable, having this money. But I like that I can take care of you. I could send you to any school you want ten times Rach."

"Why didn't you tell me? I thought it was enough for your tuition and some rent, not enough to fund a small country."

"I told you, it makes me uncomfortable. I went from collecting singles out of my g-string for food, to…I don't know what to do with it, but I like being able to spend it on you." She heard Rachel sigh and finally looked up from the floor, catching an expression she didn't recognize in the brown eyes staring back at her from the middle of the room.

"You live in a crappy one room apartment, with a microwave."

"I don't need anything else. Although I meant what I said before, I'll move when we get back so we can be together more often."

"You paid off their mortgage?"

"Yes."

"Quinn…" She trailed off and Quinn averted her gaze again, interpreting the unfamiliar look with some new level of anger.

"I'm sorry Rach, I wanted to make things easier for them. Your father works so hard, and you worry so much about him."

"Why are you apologizing?"

"You seem angry."

"I'm not angry with you, I think you are amazing. I'm just...overwhelmed."

"Why aren't you angry with me? Your father…I ruined your relationship with him. He saw us while we were…" She gestured with her hands, her face deepening into a dark red as she glanced towards the bed.

"I'm more than aware of what they saw."

"I'm so sorry Rachel."

"Stop saying you're sorry. I should be the one that's sorry."

"What could you possibly have to be sorry about?"

"I promised I would never let anyone hurt you like that again...and here we are...he physically hurt you, and on top of that I put you in a position where you were half naked in front of yet another man while he exhibited abusive behavior towards you."

"Rach—"

"I swore I would never ever let that happen."

"Rachel, trust me, this was nothing like what happened with my father. Please don't make me explain why."

"It still made me break my promise."

"Baby, I'm fine. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I did, I let him come on this trip. He hasn't been the same for a while now. I don't know exactly what happened, but I know they've been in counseling. There was an entire month that they barely spoke before they started seeing their therapist. I thought I would be left out of it, but last summer after Finn…things changed. And since he found out about us, he's just been getting worse and worse...I never should have let him anywhere near you knowing how he felt about us."

"I guess it makes more sense that you would talk to him like that then."

"I don't think it would have mattered who it was, once I saw him put his hands on you like that I…I just wanted to get him away from you."

"I'm ok Rach. This really isn't your fault, you protected me from him."

"Not enough I didn't."

"Baby-" They both turned as they heard a knock on the door that led to the other room. Quinn moved to open it, but Rachel put her hand on her arm, leading her towards the bed instead.

"What are you-" Rachel lifted a finger to her lips and pulled her down onto the bed before she curled up against her and burrowed her face into Quinn's neck as she ignored the voice begging through the door. Quinn wrapped her arms around Rachel's shoulders, lifting a hand to gently comb her fingers through the dark hair as Rachel tightened her grip. She could feel the tears against her neck, and she sighed softly as she continued to try to soothe Rachel, her heart breaking for the brunette as she listened to the desperate pleas through the door.


	15. Chapter 15

AN: I'm exhausted and this chapter is even less beta'd than normal so please forgive any mistakes, I'll have it checked over and fix it if there are when I'm no quite so tired. I hope you enjoy the chapter

Chapter 15

Quinn paced back and forth in front of the massive windows that showed the sprawling skyline of New York, her eyes occasionally drifting to the brilliant colors acting like a backdrop as the sun slid steadily further behind the buildings. She glanced down at her cell phone for what felt like the hundredth time, her foot tapping anxiously on the wooden floor when she saw that another ten minutes had passed without a response from Rachel. A breath puffed her bangs up off of her forehead and she began to walk back and forth across the open floor plan, her path taking her from the kitchen counter and across to the large living room, her eyes never really focusing on the view that beckoned.

_**Would you calm down.**_

_**You calm down, I have no idea where Rachel is.**_

_**She probably stopped for coffee or something, she's been going non stop for days. **_

_**Yeah, about that, she looks exhausted. **_

_**I know.**_

_**This trip was supposed to help.**_

_**I know. **_

_**What if this is all getting to be too much?**_

_**Can we focus on one thing at a time please? Right now I want to focus on her being over an hour late, and all of the possibilities as to why she could be an hour late.**_

_**What, like, mugged or—**_

_**Can you not list them please, that's the least helpful thing ever.**_

_**She's feisty and she has mace, she can handle herself.**_

_**It's a big city, and we're from Lima, this isn't exactly something she's experienced at. What if she got lost on the subway.**_

_**Rachel's intelligent and tougher than anyone ever gives her credit for, she'll be fine, she was born to live here.**_

_**That's just—**_

She turned at the sound of the door opening and quickened her pace to get over to the disheveled looking Rachel faster, her face filling with concern when she saw her limping into the room, her jacket soaked through with a brown liquid.

"Baby, what happened?" Her hands were already helping to remove her coat, her eyes searching her for injuries.

"Some crazy guy threw his coffee on me."

"What?"

"My heel got caught in a grate and I fell sideways into him when it snapped and he freaked out at me and started yelling and threw his coffee on me." She threw her coat onto the floor, glaring at it as if it had been the one to offend her and walked awkwardly towards the kitchen counter she spotted where the wall ended. Without even pausing in her rant about people not understanding the value of common decency, she slid up onto the counter and began to take her shoe off, not noticing when Quinn bent to gingerly examine her ankle with her good hand. "…I mean I apologized, it's not like I fell on him on purpose, what's wrong with people anyway I could have been hurt for all he knew. What if I was—"

_**She's so adorable when she goes on like that, all wrapped up in her thoughts and fierce. **_

_**Could you focus on her ankle please?**_

_**Oh, right, yes of course. **_

"Does this hurt?"

"…Someone having a seizure or a heart attack or something, and he's just standing there yelling at me like I meant to knock into him. Common decency would suggest—"

"How about this?" She carefully bent Rachel's ankle, a small smile on her face in response to the rant continuously streaming out of her mouth. When Rachel showed no indication of injury, Quinn slid her hand up her leg as she stood between her legs to lean her hips against the counter to look up at the still babbling girl. She began to trace small circles with her thumbs against the soft skin just inside her thigh and above her knee, watching as Rachel's concentration began to crumble, her eyes finally focusing on Quinn. Her lips curved further up into a smile when Rachel's pupils darkened and spread as her fingers teased light paths up and down her thighs until she stopped ranting when she noticed Quinn's head angling in for a kiss. A small moan escaped her throat as Rachel's legs wrapped around her waist to pull her closer, her hands sliding into blonde hair when she deepened the kiss in response to the sound. Her own fingers swirled against the soft skin of the thigh that flexed under her touch, her heart rate picking up in speed as their tongues began to dance against each other.

They both jumped at the sound of the cell phone vibrating loudly beside them on the counter. Quinn smiled and leaned her forehead against Rachel's shoulder, a small laugh escaping her throat at her own jumpy response to the innocuous sound of a cell phone ringing. Rachel's hand slid down from her hair, to thread their fingers together while she used the other to look at the phone. "It's just my dad, why are you so jumpy?"

_**Yeah, because your dad catching me with my hand down your pants and throwing me across the room wouldn't make me jumpy.**_

"Can't imagine why I'd be jumpy after this week." She pulled back and rolled her eyes, ready to lean in for another kiss when she noticed the mildly hurt look on Rachel's face and she brushed dark hair behind one ear. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be joking about that."

"It's fine." She untangled herself from Quinn and slid sideways on the counter so she could hop down. "So, what are we doing here anyway?"

_**Look what you did.**_

"Rachel—"

She glanced quickly around the large space before she turned back to Quinn. "This is an apartment."

"Yeah, I know."

"So, why are we in it?"

"Do you like it?"

"In the sense that it's something that you see in movie and know you can never afford, yeah it's amazing." She moved over towards the giant windows that offered the expansive view.

Quinn sighed softly and followed her over to the window, her back to the view as she leaned on the low windowsill, her hands on either side of her and her voice low while she stared at the floor in front of her. "I can afford it."

Rachel turned to look at her profile, her hand beside Quinn's shoulder on the window frame. "Are you showing me this because you plan to live here?"

_**Didn't she hear her father say that I was looking for a place for us the other night?**_

_**I think she was a little distracted by being furious.**_

"I thought you heard everything your father said the other night."

"Did he say something about you moving to New York?"

She slid back to rest further on the large sill behind her, her teeth gnawing on her bottom lip while she tried to ignore the intense gaze she could feel focused on her. "I planned on coming to New York before we got together."

"Okay. So, you want me to help you pick out an apartment, or you've already picked this one?"

"I own the building. My grandfather lived in the floor below this one and fixed this one up for me before he died. He always wanted me to go to school here and have my own place close to him."

"That's really sweet, it's a beautiful place." She turned her gaze back to the view behind the cool glass.

_**How is she not getting this?**_

_**She's stressed out?**_

"I don't want us to end with graduation Rachel." She felt the eyes come back to focus on her again.

"It'll admittedly be easier for us to stay together if we're both in the same city."

"You know, this apartment has three bedrooms." She gestured towards a hallway that was off to her left. "There's a staircase back there, he turned the top two floors into duplexes, the top level has two bedrooms and the third is down here."

_**Did you just offer her a bedroom on the second floor?**_

_**I kind of did, didn't I?**_

_**You're being really awkward about this. Repeat after me, Rachel I love you and I want us to live together when we come to New York because sleeping without you every night is something I don't think I can take for more than the six months until graduation. **_

"If you're asking me to consider moving in with you after graduation, you're being incredibly weird about it."

_**See, she agrees with me.**_

Quinn let a small laugh escape her throat and she felt red heat creep up into her cheeks as she lifted a hand to run across her eyebrow. "Thanks."

Rachel shifted to her side until she was standing between Quinn's knees, her arms resting on her shoulders, her fingers loosely clasped behind her head as she smiled at the avoidant hazel gaze. "So you'd really want me to be in my own room instead of having a bedroom that's ours?"

She raised her eyes to meet the dark gaze that was shining into her own, something warm and heavy settling in her chest and slipping down into her stomach as she let the words sink in. "Is that Rachel for yes?"

"It's Rachel for I hope we end up living here together."

_**Wait, what?**_

_**Why wouldn't we… unless she doesn't think we're going to stay together. **_

_**Why would she think that?**_

_**I don't know, she's the one that said it. **_

_**Ok, stay calm.**_

_**Why is she doubting us?**_

Quinn pulled back when Rachel leaned in to kiss her, her hands reaching behind her to unhook the arms clasped around her neck, the movement putting some space between them. "What does that mean?"

Rachel immediately lifted her hand to touch Quinn's face, a hurt expression pooling in her eyes when Quinn pulled back further. She folded her arms and sat beside her on the window sill. "It was supposed to mean that I would love to be here with you, and I genuinely hope that we end up here. The few weeks you stayed with me at my fathers was amazing."

"But you aren't sure it'll actually happen."

_**So, am I in this on my own here? Am I setting myself up to get trampled?**_

_**Did she expect us to break up when we graduated. Am I a fling?**_

_**No, she loves you.**_

_**Are you sure about that?**_

"Isn't wanting it to, and working towards it enough?"

They both turned to look at the small box beside the front door as a bell echoed through the empty space from it, Quinn's posture rigid as she quickly strode across the apartment to push the button on the intercom. "I'll be back." She slammed the door behind her, leaving Rachel alone to feel the sudden chill of the cold glass behind her back, her arms wrapped around herself as she turned to look out the window her stockinged feet resting on the sill in front of her.

Quinn took in a deep controlled breath before she pushed the door to the apartment back open, her eyes completely avoiding the sight of Rachel curled up on the window sill. She could feel how tight every muscle in her body was as she roughly dropped the bag on the counter and began to pull things out of it randomly. Her eyes remained steadily fixed on her task when Rachel appeared beside her, arms folded while she leaned against the counter to look at her profile. "What's all this?"

"I had ordered dinner for us before you got here. I thought we'd be having our first dinner together in what would be our apartment. I thought it would be romantic."

"Quinn—"

"You should call your dad and tell him to come, there's enough food for him, I'm not very hungry anyway." She handed her the discarded cell phone, still not looking at her while she stacked food containers neatly on the counter. "I'm going to go check out some of the other rooms while you call."

_**You're distancing. **_

_**Damn right, I am.**_

Rachel sighed and put the phone down before she followed the retreating back that moved steadily away from her. "Quinn, stop."

"Stop what?"

"Don't do that."

"I'm not doing anything."

"You are, you're hurt and you're distancing."

"So let me, what do you care anyway?"

"That's not fair."

Quinn stopped and turned, her expression a mirror of the Quinn Fabray that she had once been. "Excuse me?"

She took in the complete reversion of her demeanor, the hands on her hips, the cold look on her face and forced herself to take a step forward. "Just because I'm unsure of what could happen in the next six months of our lives, doesn't mean I don't want it to go a certain way, it also doesn't change how I feel about you right now."

"Well, maybe I should save you the possible—"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence."

Her eyebrows lifted at the intensity in Rachel's voice, she hadn't expected the deep ferocity and it threw her off for a second. "Or what?"

"You need to stop this. I'm not rejecting you. I want all of this with you Quinn, if you'd stop letting fear control you for five seconds you'd know that. I'm just trying to be realistic, mature, so that this has a real chance of being more than some high school relationship that fades with graduation."

"Seems to me like you don't think it'll even last that long."

"I can't tell the future, anything could happen, that doesn't mean I'm not going to do everything I can to try to make us work."

"Are you sure about that?"

Rachel sighed, her eyes narrowing until she noticed the tell in Quinn's façade. The almost unnoticeable change in her breathing, the slight tremor in the muscles of her shoulders and she closed the distance between them. Her hands rested on either side of her face, Quinn's eyebrow twitching up when she felt the contact. "Don't give in to this baby, don't let them win."

"What?" Her voice wavered, even in the one worded whisper it came out as and her arms dropped to her sides.

"My father, your father, everyone that's made you put up walls. Don't take what I'm saying as anything more than it is just because of what they've done to you. I'm here, I'm not planning on going anywhere, and I love you."

Quinn closed her eyes and her hands moved to rest on Rachel's forearms as she stood as still as she could while she focused on breathing. "Do you think having a fight our first night here means something?"

Rachel let a small laugh escape her throat and leaned forward to brush a soft kiss against Quinn's lips. "I think it means, we're both stubborn intense people with a difficult past. On the positive side, I also think it means that our relationship will always have passion in it."

"I love you Rachel." She leaned forward and kissed her, somewhat desperately, feeling relieved when the kiss was lovingly returned. When she pulled back Rachel stretched up onto her toes to place a soft kiss on her forehead.

"Come on. Let's have our first romantic dinner here."

The rest of the vacation had been stressful, and Quinn couldn't help but notice Rachel looking more and more tired as the days wore on. The hope that the trip would rejuvenate them had completely dissipated by the time they arrived back in Lima. Quinn would have considered the entire vacation a complete loss if it wasn't for the small glances Rachel kept shooting her, love shining in her eyes once again, ever since their conversation just before the blowout with Leroy. She felt relieved by the reassurance she seemed to have given Rachel about their relationship, even if she was more overwhelmed with the feeling that she had destroyed Rachel's relationship with her father. She could see the marks under the brown eyes, could see the far off look that kept entering the normally clear features, and it killed her to feel like she had caused the thoughts that kept visibly crossing through those eyes. Despite the reassurances from Hiram that she was not at fault, she just couldn't shake the feeling that he was just being kind, couldn't get rid of the idea that she ruined everything that she came across lately.

Quinn decided to drop Hiram and Rachel off at their house, opting to go to her apartment for the remainder of the weekend, with the hope that the three Berry's could focus on mending things without her around. She noticed the broken window first, sighing and leaving her suitcase in the car, as she cautiously unlocked the door. When the door swung open to reveal the destroyed apartment, she found herself rather relieved that she hadn't wasted any money adding anything to the place before she left for New York. She absently toed empty beer bottles as she flipped the light switch on, regretting the decision, when it illuminated the wall across from her. The entire surface had been covered in pictures from her nights at the club, some containing poses from performances she didn't even remember doing. Red spray paint covered the other walls, various slurs spelled out in between a few photos that had been blown up, apparently for emphasis. She could tell before she even looked through the clothing on the floor that it was all destroyed. She sighed, heading for the kitchen bending down to retrieve a box of garbage bags, tossing her coat on the counter before opening a bag.

_**Yeah because this is what I need right now, my nerves aren't frayed enough after this week.**_

_**You wanted to move anyway. **_

_**That doesn't mean I needed this on top of everything else…how much does the universe think I can take before I break?**_

She had managed to get all of the bottles, cans, and clothing into bags before she heard a familiar voice from the doorway.

"I think its time you moved Quinn." She lifted her gaze from the floor, standing from her crouched position, as Rachel and Kurt entered through the open door.

"I think you might be right Kurt." She kept her eyes on Rachel, watching as she moved closer to the wall, eyes moving from one picture to the next.

_**Fantastic. **_

"We came to convince you to go to a party with us, from the looks of things it won't be much of a challenge." Quinn's eyes never left Rachel's profile, unsure of what her reaction to the graphic photographs on the wall of Quinn might be.

_**I could really use a drink right about now.**_

"I just finished tossing the garbage and most of my clothes away, all I have left is the wall, so I could potentially go along."

"My father has a burn barrel, if you want we can take them there and make sure they're thoroughly destroyed."

"That would actually be great, thank you."

"Do you have an empty bag for them?" She nodded, reaching behind her to pull a bag out, handing it to him before she moved to stand next to Rachel.

_**Why did she have to see me like this right now?**_

"Rach?"

"I haven't seen them before. I didn't look at his phone that night, I mean I knew there were pictures but I thought it was just one or two, how did they get so many?"

"I don't know. They aren't supposed to take pictures. Baby…" She paused, still unsure of what Rachel might be thinking, afraid of what the answer might be to the question she wanted to ask. "Can you handle this? Seeing them, knowing there are more of these out there? I would imagine it's, I mean actually seeing me like that, maybe you can't ignore it now." She turned to look at the wall, closing her eyes as the images flooded her vision.

"Can you burn pictures?" Quinn felt her heart sink as Rachel asked the question, obviously unwilling to respond to everything she had just said for whatever reason.

_**I think I've hit my limit. I think that's it. I don't think I can handle any more.**_

_**Ok, calm down, breathe…**_

_**Fuck that.**_

She swallowed as she felt the hot anger rise in a wave across her body, ending with salty heat behind her closed eyelids. Her teeth came down hard into her lip and she turned, arms spread, and began to rip pictures from the wall.

"Well, we're going to." Kurt placed a hand on Quinn's shoulder as he said it, squeezing gently, before he went back to helping her rip them off the wall. They managed to rip them all down surprisingly quickly, shoving them into the garbage bag and tying it up before turning to find Rachel staring at one on the wall behind them, the wall Quinn had forgotten about. Her eyes moved to the blown up photograph of herself, everything focused on controlling her own breathing as she took a step towards the girl that was staring intently at it beside her.

_**I hate how quiet she's being.**_

_**Why is she staring at it like that? What reason could she possibly have for just standing there focusing on it?**_

_**Calm down, maybe she's just lost in thought.**_

_**Right, because she needs to stare at a picture of me like that to think. God damn it, stop staring at it like that!**_

_**Quinn, you're-**_

_**What? Freaking out? Yeah, I am, and I think I have a reason to so shut the fuck up.**_

_**You're tipping over the edge.**_

_**Had to happen some time.**_

She pushed forward, bumping Rachel's shoulder as she ripped the picture off the wall and turned to face Rachel, it's crumpled edge digging into her hand as she held it up to her face.

"Here, does this help? Would you like it even closer? Or maybe you'd prefer the live show? Would you like to see a pole routine, or would you rather skip right to the lap dance? I think I might still have some of the lingerie that acted as clothing most of the time, should I dig it out? Would you notice what I was wearing then?" She ignored the eyes that moved her from the picture and turned to her at the slight dig about Rachel's failure to notice Quinn's willingness to wear what she had worn for Rachel in the hotel room.

"Quinn, maybe we should—" She ignored his voice and took a small step closer to Rachel, her voice low and raspy when she continued.

"Is this how you want to see me Rachel? Is this what does it for you? The idea that I used to do this, to be this?" She leaned behind her with her other arm, ripping down another picture to add it to the one she was holding in front of her face.

"I—" She didn't seem to notice that Rachel had begun to speak as she forged on.

"Here, how about this one is this, what you want?" She could feel her hands trembling as she held the pictures up, a tear escaping out of her right eye as she watched Rachel remain motionless before her. After several seconds of tense silence, Rachel turned her head to look at Kurt, who stood with a shocked expression on his face.

"Kurt, could you just give us a minute please?" Quinn swiped a tear away as she watched Rachel turn to talk to him, he nodded and headed for his car, trash bag in tow. She lowered her arm, the pictures remaining fisted in her hand at her side.

_**You need to calm down. You just screamed at her.**_

_**You calm down.**_

_**That's a mature response.**_

_**She was just STARING at them. **_

_**Maybe you should consider letting her tell you why.**_

"It seems to me like you're the one having a problem with me seeing these pictures, why is that exactly?"

Quinn ignored the question, opting instead to pose a much quieter one of her own. "Why did you have to stare at them like that?"

"Well, I was staring at this one…" She reached down and pulled the picture out of Quinn's hand. "…because I couldn't get over how lost you looked in it. Your eyes are just so…you look broken."

"You were looking at my eyes?"

"I was looking at the wall to try and get a glimpse into your life at the time. I don't know what it was like for you…you don't talk about it much. I thought that if I looked at them I might get some insight. To answer your question though, yes I can handle it, but I won't lie about the fact that it bothers me that there are naked pictures of you out there. I don't share very well. As for ignoring your past, I've never ignored it. I've also never tried to pretend you weren't a stripper. Of course I would have preferred if you hadn't had to do it, and I'm sure every time I see a piece of that life I'll see a new part of you that I haven't seen before. Some things will bother me, and some thing will make me love you more, but that's the case with anyone. You, on the other hand, can't seem to handle me seeing you like that at all…which I find odd since I can see you naked any time."

She closed her eyes and swallowed, suddenly feeling cold, her voice low when she responded. "Not like that. These pictures are…it's not the same. When I'm with you I'm sharing something with you, I'm willing. I don't like you seeing me…dirty like that…it's a different kind of exposed."

_**I look like a whore...used.**_

_**I am NOT a whore.**_

_**Doesn't mean I don't look like one.**_

"I'm not sure I could ever look at you and see what you do, I just see… you."

_**How can she not see it? It's all so...**_

_**Disgusting. I was raised to believe things like that are disgusting.**_

_**You were raised to believe a lot of things…**_

"I'm sorry. I thought…I…I don't want you to see _that_ when you look at me, I can't be trashy to you."

"You'll figure out how to accept what you had to do Quinn. I should think that by now you realize that I look at you in a sexual way, but like I said, I don't see you as trashy I just see you."

"It's a different kind of sexual."

"Apparently…you know, you keep asking me if I can handle things, but can you? You don't seem to like what you see when you look at that version of yourself."

_**It's not me. It's not any version of me. I shut down when I did that. **_

_**When you were sober for it.**_

"_That's_ just what I had to do to survive, it was never me."

"Quinn, you're a naturally sexy woman. When you're relaxed and feeling confident you have these qualities that just…your voice takes on this tone, and your eyes literally smolder, you can floor me with just a look. Nothing about that is anything but appealing. That you had to use it to eat, well I just hope that it doesn't make you afraid to use it forever…because when you let go…" Quinn watched as Rachel bit her lip, her eyes darkening briefly before she leaned forward and gently brushed their lips together. "Everyone uses their sexuality at some point in their lives, you shouldn't be ashamed that you used what you had at your disposal to get by. Do you think I won't use my own sensuality on stage when I get to Broadway? Sure, my clothes will stay on, well for most roles…but that doesn't mean I won't use what I have. Do you think I won't stare out of magazines with a 'come take me' look? Sex sells Quinn, don't beat yourself up so much. Yes I have some of my own issues with the idea of you being sexy in anyone else's general direction, but that has nothing to do with your past. I actually thought you were getting more comfortable with your sensuality again, considering the dress you had on last week in the hotel room. Don't think I didn't notice your little dig about that by the way."

"It took a lot for me to wear that."

"You looked amazing in it."

"I didn't think you noticed."

"Yeah, I kind of got that. Now, is there anything you want to say about what just happened here?"

_**I don't even know what to do with all of that.**_

_**Why doesn't she see how I had to be? How do I make her see? So that she realizes now, and doesn't understand too late.**_

_**Sounds to me like she does understand, that she doesn't see anything wrong with it. That she thinks you should embrace your sexual side. She's right, everyone uses it. She doesn't look at this the way you do, she sees you. She sees more.**_

_**How? How could I after...I don't want to think about any of this anymore right now.**_

_**Fine, but apologize to Rachel for freaking out.**_

"I'm sorry I freaked out at you like that. I saw you staring and I...I'm sorry I reacted the way that I did. I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes. I'm trying. Thank you for being so understanding, and amazing. One of these days you'll have to tell me how you know so much, about everything." Rachel laughed softly in response, pulling Quinn into a hug before she turned her towards the door, her arm looped through hers and her head on her shoulder as they walked.

"What do you think makes the difference between a good actress and a phenomenal actress? I think it might have something to do with studying people and how they interact with the world. I couldn't possibly hope to be at the top of my field if I didn't spend every spare moment studying the human condition. A lot of my free time is spent in the psychology section of the public library, it's absolutely essential to any performance to really understand the mindset you're attempting to achieve. It's key to be able to look at any character and understand everything they will do, from the way the line should be delivered all the way to the facial expressions and gestures that actually make sense from a psychological standpoint."

"I love it when you do that."

"What?"

"Go all Rachel Berry."

"What does that mean?"

"You just get so into things, I love it."

The party turned out to be at Blaine's house, which was a pleasant surprise, considering Quinn had expected to be dragged to Puck's, which was not exactly her favorite place to be. Everything was in full swing by the time they arrived, and Quinn was warmly enveloped in a hug from their host when they walked through the door.

"I'm sorry about your apartment, Kurt said it was pretty bad."

"It's ok, I didn't really care about the place, and I didn't have anything worth worrying about there. I can always get more clothes." He kept his gaze on her, obviously unsure if he should say anything about the portion of the evening she had opted not to talk about, even though his expression displayed his knowledge of the events. He handed her a cup, and she slammed the contents, unwilling to remain sober after the stress from the evening had added itself to her already almost unbearably tense existence.

She had decided not to worry about drinking on the way over, after all Kurt and Blaine were there, and she wasn't trying to keep anything from Rachel anymore, so the lack of secrets would be a welcome relief to a night of forgetting everything that was going on in her life. She smiled at Blaine before she mumbled something about another drink and headed towards the small bar area that Puck had clearly taken over, pointing to a bottle of rum as she approached him.

"Hey baby mama, didn't expect to see you tonight. I thought you were on vacation or something."

"Something like that."

"Not a good trip?" She let out a small snort of indignation as she poured her drink, opting to make it strong but not ridiculously so.

"I've had worse, had better too...but at least I got to take Rachel to see a Broadway show, so that was fun."

"Here, I invented a shot...its holiday-ish." She eyed the oddly colored concoction in the cup in front of her, one eyebrow arched to match her dubious expression.

"Do I want to drink this?"

"Why not?" She shrugged and swallowed the shot as quickly as she could , her face contorting as it went down.

"That, is disgusting." He looked mildly offended, sniffing his own before he tipped his head back and poured it into his mouth.

"It could use some work. Finn's here you know."

"Wonderful. Give me another shot." He nodded enthusiastically before blending another oddly colored drink, splitting it between their cups.

"I got your back, he won't touch you." He clinked their cups together before downing his shot, watching as she made another face after she swallowed.

"You really shouldn't keep mixing flavors like that."

"I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I swear I had a gummy bear shot with the same stuff in it. Here, let me try again." He sloshed various liquids together, handing her another cup.

"This is like three shots Puck."

"I had to adjust it to get the flavor right." She lifted the cup, drinking it all down in one go.

"You didn't have to drink it all at once."

"I want to relax. Hand me the rum." He obliged and she poured herself a ridiculously strong drink before drinking more than half of it, finally slowing down to sip the rest as Puck watched her cautiously.

"Everything ok Q?"

"I had a bad year."

"I can see that, could be worse though."

"How, exactly?"

"Beth adores you."

She lifted her eyes to stare intently at him, noticing that the room was already fuzzing around the edges as it began to tilt pleasantly. "I'll begrudgingly give you that one."

"Are you getting my girlfriend drunk Noah?" Quinn turned, smiling as Rachel appeared beside her, leaning forward to plant a sloppy kiss on her mouth.

"Hot."

"Shut up. Stop giving her weird shots, I'm the one that'll have to watch her throw it up."

"Fine. You mix her drinks."

"I can mix my own drinks. Besides, I only got that sick because I drank half the bottle...and because I hit my head after that jackass...well let's forget that." She took a sip of her drink, her eyes drifting towards the neckline of the shirt Rachel was wearing. She lifted a finger to trace a line down her throat and across her clavicle. "Did I notice this shirt before?" Rachel shuddered slightly, her eyes briefly closing before she regained her composure, clearing her throat at a failed attempt to mask the throatiness that entered it when she spoke.

"I don't know, did you?"

"I should have, it's sexy it, _dips_ in all the right places." Her eyes followed the v neck she was referring to, unsure how she had managed to not notice the rather out of character shirt Rachel was wearing.

"Kurt picked it out."

"I love that boy. How did I not notice it before?"

"You were too busy freaking out."

"Right. I might be done with that now."

"You're kind of drunk aren't you?"

"There's no proof of that."

"You haven't eaten since New York have you?"

"My microwave had a hole through the glass."

"And then you downed a bunch of shots that Noah mixed."

"They were not, at all tasty."

"Right."

"Let's dance."

"I'm going to go find you some food."

"Dance with me Rach. You were just saying you liked it when I loosen up, when I embrace my sensual side…" Rachel rolled her eyes, flushing as Quinn's hand wandered down the side of her hip towards her ass, her mouth placing a small bite on her collarbone, her hips starting to sway against her. Quinn managed not to notice as Rachel blushed, fascinated by the change in wardrobe and the exposed flesh it afforded. She barely noticed as Rachel led her across the room, stopping in front of Santana and Brittany as Quinn wrapped her arms around her waist from behind her, her hands resting on her hips as she slowly swayed her hips to the music, her hips bumping into Rachel's ass.

"Can you watch her for a minute? I need to find Blaine and get her some food, she's kind of drunk already."

Brittany offered her a huge grin and gestured towards them. "Come on, dance with us Q!" Quinn looked mildly confused for a minute when Rachel turned in her arms to look at her.

"I'll be right back."

Her eyes focused on Rachel's lips and she leaned forward, sloppily crushing their lips together, never once considering where they were as she pushed her tongue into the familiar mouth.

A small noise escaped Rachel's throat before she pushed her gently back and sighed when she saw the drunken rejected expression on Quinn's face. She rested on hand on Quinn's cheek and offered her a small quick kiss on the lips before she smiled warmly at her and held her face in place, forcing her to look into her eyes. "I'm going to get you some food, stay here with Brittany and Santana."

"Dance with me."

"I will in a minute." She turned out of Quinn's arms, ducking away from the lips that reached for her once again just as Santana swooped in and took Quinn's arms to drag her over to their dance space.

"Hey Q! Come help me. Brittany says I'm not as sexy as her when I dance." She pulled Santana's hands to her hips, holding them in place as she danced backwards to her, effectively placing herself between her two friends. Brittany laughed and moved to Quinn's side to grab her drink off the table, smiling as Puck leaned over to whisper something in her ear.

Quinn didn't seem to notice that the body behind her was someone other than Rachel and she reached her arm around to adjust Santana's body behind her, her head falling back onto the girl's shoulder as her hips got a feel for the music. She felt her body fall into a familiar movement, not even fully registering the practiced motion she started to follow. She bent her knees running her ass all the way down the body behind her, her hand touching the floor, before she came back up achingly slowly her ass fitting into the cradle of Santana's hips. She repeated the motion even slower, this time turning as she lifted herself back up, her leg smoothly coming up and around Santana's waist while her head fell backwards as she arched her back impossibly far, pushing her stomach flush against the body that stood in front of her. She slowly straightened back up, her stomach muscles straining at the smooth controlled motion, her brow furrowing as she found herself face to face with brown eyes that were not Rachel's.

"That is freakin hot." She turned her head, snapping out of her daze, noticing Puck who was sitting eye level with her ass, realizing where she was and who she was pressed intimately against.

_**Excuse me, what were you just doing?**_

_**Hey, welcome to the party.**_

_**Ok, that is just not acceptable. You were just doing one of your acts, with Santana, who is not Rachel in front of a rather large group of men.**_

_**Rachel said she didn't care about my past.**_

_**This isn't your past, this is you using Santana as a pole.**_

_**It was just dancing.**_

_**Yeah if you're a stripper.**_

_**Shut up, I am not a stripper.**_

_**Then act like it, because I bet the guys in this room might disagree right now.**_

_**Fuck.**_

"Um, I think I should go."

"Damnit Puck, I was gettin my dance on!"

"It's ok Sanny, I'll finish the lesson!" Quinn stepped away as Brittany took her place, spotting Rachel in the corner by Mercedes and Blaine, barely contained anger clear on her features. A small group of guys moved closer to the two dancing women as she went past them, face red at the realization that they had been watching her. Brown eyes were glaring at her as she approached, and she averted her gaze as she sank down next to Mercedes, her legs suddenly feeling unstable.

Rachel knelt down in front of her, voice fierce. "I'm surprised you didn't get applause."

_**You and me both. Weren't there fewer people here before? I don't remember all these people, I feel like I wouldn't have danced like that if I noticed them.**_

"Where did all those guys come from?"

"They're Blaine's friends from Dalton. I'm not sure who enjoyed it more, them or Finn." She nodded her head sideways, gesturing towards the tall boy who stood staring at her from the other side of the room, a strange expression on his face.

_**I forgot about him. **_

"I just kind of fell into it. I used to take a couple of shots before my performances, I guess it just came kind of naturally at this point. I didn't even realize I was doing it until Puck..."

"Did I not mention I don't share well?"

She lifted her gaze to meet dark eyes that were staring intensely at her. "Rach, it was just dancing."

"Rather sexual dancing."

_**You wanted me to lighten up didn't you?**_

_**I don't think she meant like that. **_

_**She said she liked my sexual side.**_

_**I think she meant that she liked your sexual side when it was aimed at her.**_

"She's my friend, I don't think of her like that."

"I wasn't talking about Santana, I was referring to the dozen male eyes glued to your body."

"Right, because they haven't seen it before."

Her eyes narrowed. "So you don't want me to see pictures of you as a stripper, but it's ok for you to dance like one in front of a room full of strangers while I'm forced to watch."

Quinn swallowed, not sure she had an answer for her at the moment.

"Right. I think I want a drink." She shoved roughly away from the couch, heading for the bar, Quinn quickly following as she moved to stand beside her.

_**Rachel doesn't really ever drink. **_

_**Well, there was that bender we all went on last year. **_

_**Yeah, and have you seen her drink since?**_

_**No. **_

_**See, I knew she couldn't handle seeing me like that.**_

_**Wait Did you do that on purpose while I wasn't paying attention? Were you trying to prove a stupid point? **_

"Why do you suddenly need a drink Rachel? What happened to not having a problem with it?" Brown eyes flashed angrily at her as she turned, her hand coming up to point accusingly at Quinn's face.

"You're trying to push me on purpose. Why do you have to do that? What is your problem?"

_**If I can't handle it how can you Rachel?**_

_**Quinn, your crazy is showing.**_

_**Shut up.**_

"I don't want to be caught off guard when you finally realize you can't take all of this, if I'm the one that shows you, then I'll be ready for it."

_**You're seriously an idiot, I can't leave you to your own devices for a minute, look at what you did!**_

"You need to get it through your thick skull that I don't care about your stupid past."

"Then why are you so upset?"

"Are you serious right now?"

"If you didn't have a problem you wouldn't be—"

"Don't, we both know why I'm upset. You have got to stop pushing at me like this, there's a huge difference between having previously been a stripper and you standing there dancing like that with another girl for a room full of guys to watch. You're mine and I don't appreciate you offering up a free damn show to anyone but me. You want me to see you dance like that, you want to know what my reaction to it will be…fine, but do it alone with me so I don't have to share you with strangers."

"You really think you could take me dancing like that with you? You really think it wouldn't break us?"

Her eyes seemed to soften for a second, moistening as tears obviously threatened. "You dancing, alone with me? No. But if you push on anything long and hard enough it'll break Quinn, you need to stop trying to do whatever the hell it is you feel you need to do to test me and get over yourself before it's too late." She pushed past Quinn, grabbing her coat and heading for the door.

"Was that a threat?" Rachel spun, eyes flashing with renewed anger as she advanced on Quinn, pulling her over towards the doorway before a loud voice from across the room caught her attention and she lowered her voice so only she would hear her over the music.

"Why are you doing this? What do you want from me?"

"I just want you."

"You have me, so why are you trying so hard to break us?"

"So I can see it coming, I won't be able to handle it when you really see me like that and realize you don't want me."

"I'm getting tired of this Quinn. I've told you more than once that I do see you, and I love you. Why can't you just be with me? I don't know how to keep doing this. I don't know how to make you get out of your head and realize that you have what you want."

"Then don't. Can't you see I'm trying to make you walk away because I can't? I'm not good for you Rachel, everything I touch goes to hell. Look at what being with me has done to you're life. I'm not worth all of this. I just bring out the worst in people." She saw tears spring to Rachel's eyes once again and hated herself even more in the moment, not wanting to lose her but afraid that what she was saying might be true.

"Baby, that's not true." She lifted her hand to brush hair out of Quinn's face, rolling her eyes when one of Quinn's hands intercepted her and she pulled away.

"Don't. I don't need you to lie to me."

"Ok, you know what. You're drunk, and I'm leaving, I'm not going to talk to you when you're like this, I'm not going to let you make a stupid mistake that you'll regret tomorrow." She swayed slightly as Rachel brushed past her, missing when she tried to catch her arm.

_**I don't think I've ever been angrier with you. **_

_**Shut up, if you were doing your job I wouldn't have said that. It's just a fear, I wasn't supposed to say it. What do I do?**_

_**Stop her!**_

_**Where is she going to go, I have the...**_

"Son of a bitch, she has my keys."

"Give me a couple of minutes and I'll give you a ride home."

"Thanks Mercedes, but I don't really have anywhere to go tonight, my apartment was trashed."

"I kind of thought you would want to follow Rachel. She doesn't live far from me."

"I guess so, maybe I can catch her before she goes inside. I don't want to deal with Leroy Berry right now."

The last thing Quinn remembered clearly from that night was the vision of the tail lights of her own car as she watched it from the passenger seat of Mercedes' car. She expected Rachel to be long gone by the time they got outside, but she was just pulling out of the driveway as they climbed into Mercedes' car to follow behind her. She had originally been relieved by the idea that she would catch Rachel before she could escape into her house, distracted and not initially noticing the SUV full of boys that roared up behind them. Later, she would feel guilty for not paying attention to her surroundings, convinced she could have done something to warn her. She felt a tingle of ice cold fear shoot up her spine, goose flesh raising in a wave across her body, as the car shot into the left lane to go around them. She recognized some of the hockey players as they went by, seeing them almost as if they were in slow motion, their attention clearly focused on what they obviously recognized as Quinn Fabray's car.

She fought the urge to close her eyes against what she saw coming, as the car caught up to hers, silently urging Rachel to go faster as it swerved threateningly towards her. She watched helplessly as it finally leveled off just to the left the slowing car, windows opening, large cups of multicolored slush reigning down on the windshield, easily recognizable hate in the voices as they yelled slurs at who they thought was Quinn. Her entire body went ice cold, completely numb, all sound disappearing as her vision seemed to black out around the edges when Rachel clearly lost control of the car, the coated windshield making it impossible to see. She felt as though her heart stopped beating completely as she helplessly watched her smash through a guide rail and down an embankment. The sickening crunch of metal echoed up through Quinn's entire body as she fought to breathe, a painful tingle ripping through her, as the slight red glow of tail lights lit up the tips of quickly blurring grass at the top of the embankment.


	16. Chapter 16

AN: Okay, I don't really understand the repeated complaints about lines breaking up scenes. The lines after sections indicating a significant amount of time has passed are showing up on my word document and in the story when I look at it on this site. So I don't really see the issue. If you're asking that I put them in for any time that any scene shifts by only a few minutes, hours, a night, or a day then there would be page breaks every five seconds which is just overkill. The standard format for writing is to put said lines only when significant amounts of time have gone by. I just went through this with my novel and had to remove a bunch of them because not enough time had passed in between scenes to warrant a line break according to required format. As for the internal dialogue Quinn has with herself, I like it and it's staying in the story. Beyond that, I hope you're enjoying the story and this chapter should explain WHY I didn't have anyone do anything to stop the harassment sooner, as this chapter was where I was heading with that.

Chapter 16

If asked, she wouldn't have been able to remember sliding and almost falling down the hill to rip the door open. She wouldn't remember hearing Mercedes on the phone with the ambulance. What she would never be able to forget was the sight of the car as it careened down that hill. The sickening sound of crunching metal as she hit the large tree at the bottom, and the feeling of horror that had turned her entire body cold when she scrambled to get her own door open to get to Rachel.

A heavy uncomfortable weight settled in her stomach at the sight of blood on Rachel's unconscious face as she kneeled by the open door, afraid to move her, even more afraid to touch her and confirm whether or not she was actually breathing. She could hear her own voice escaping her lips, not even realizing she was speaking as she tentatively reached her hand out to hover over Rachel's back, still unable to bring herself to touch her.

"Please Rachel...be ok...please baby you have to be ok." The moment stretched towards forever as she waited desperately, almost as terrified to do nothing as she was to risk trying to move her and potentially make things worse. Air rushed back into her lungs, through the sharp ache in her chest when a moan finally escaped from the slumped form in front of her. She heard a sob escape her own throat in relief, tears falling freely now, her hand finally resting gently Rachel's back. "Don't move Rach, stay still baby, help is on the way...it's ok, I'm here...you'll be ok."

"Quinn?"

"Shh... it's ok, don't move..." She moved her hand in tiny soothing circles, barely touching her, trying to keep her from panicking so she would stay still. She had no idea how long she remained beside Rachel, offering soft words of love and comfort, as they waited for the ambulance.

She vaguely recalled Mercedes calling the Berry men from somewhere behind her, ignoring everything around her, not really caring about anything besides Rachel. When the emergency crew finally arrived, they were forced to physically remove her as Rachel softly called her name, pleading with her not to leave her side.

She was attempting to climb into the back of the ambulance when she felt a rough hand grab her arm and yank her backwards. She lost her balance and fell backwards before a deputy rushed over to catch her.

"Excuse me sir, what do you think you're doing?" She looked up to find a furious Leroy Berry towering over her, her elbow still painfully and awkwardly held in his grasp. "Sir, remove your hand from the young lady. Sir!"

"This is your fault! I know it! It was only a matter of time before you got her hurt! You stay away from my daughter Fabray!"

"Sir! Ms. Fabray helped Ms. Berry, she was in the car behind her, she witnessed the whole accident. You're accusing the wrong person."

"Bullshit! This is your fault, you hear me you little slut? You stay away from her! I won't let you ruin her life the way you've ruined your own!"

"Sir! I will place you under arrest if you don't calm down." He finally released her arm, turning and heading for the ambulance, climbing up into the back before telling them to shut the doors.

"Are you ok Ms. Fabray?" She nodded silently, horrified at the notion of being forced away from Rachel, forced to wait an unknown length of time before she could find out if she was okay.

"You'll stay with her?" Mercedes nodded to the deputy, moving her arm to Quinn's shoulders as she led her back to her car.

"What was that?"

"He's right. This is all my fault."

"Quinn, this happened because those puck heads are immature assholes."

"They thought they were attacking me, she got hurt because of me. All I ever do is get her hurt. Maybe he's right, maybe I should stay away from her, maybe I _am _destroying her life."

"Do you really think that? Because I've never seen Rachel as happy as she's been with you. That girl stands there and sings her heart out to you every damn day in glee club, her eyes all happy and shiny. I think the stuff you all have been going through wouldn't even begin to hurt half as much as you walking away from her. I think we should get in my car and go to the hospital, and if her father wants to keep you out of her room then we'll wait in the waiting room until she's awake enough to make her own decision. If there's one thing Rachel hates, it's other people making decisions for her."

Quinn clenched her jaw as she made her way down the hallway towards the room that held Rachel, her hands fisted in the coat she held in her hands. She glanced at the window at the end of the hall, wondering not for the first time, that the pale blue of twilight meant that something had been very wrong with Rachel for it to take so long for them to settle her in a room. Something hard and hot was lodged in her chest as she reached the room and spotted Leroy speaking with a doctor in the doorway, his eyes hardening when they fell on her.

"What do you think you're doing here?" He turned and whispered something to the doctor, who headed off down the hallway, before he quickly intercepted her. "I told you to stay away from my daughter."

_**Stay strong Quinn, he's not your father, and Rachel needs you.**_

"That's not your decision to make."

"Excuse me?"

"Rachel wants me here, and you know it. There's no way I'm going to let her wake up thinking I'm not here for her."

"If that's the way you want it, I'll just have security remove you, you have no rights here, Quinn. You're not her family, you're just some high school rebellion, a phase."

"Is that what your parents said about the first boy you brought home?"

_**Ha, score one for Quinn.**_

He stopped in the middle of turning to head for the nurse's station, his eyes narrowing before he moved dangerously close to her, a smug look entering his face when he saw her wince. "Don't you dare try to act as though my issue is with her sexuality, obviously I don't care about gender. I care about the individual and _you_, don't deserve my daughter. Now, you can either walk out of here, or I can have you dragged out."

"Try it. I'm not going anywhere. I intend to be right beside Rachel when she wakes up, and no matter what you do, I'm not going to just walk away from her."

"You're poison Fabray. This happened because of you. All you'll ever do is drag her down into the gutter that you're so desperately trying to crawl out of. You never will you know, you belong in there with the rest of the trash and—" He stopped as a large hand touched his shoulder, his expression faltering when he caught sight of a furious Hiram beside him.

_**Don't you dare let him make you feel like trash.**_

_**I'm not, Rachel wouldn't love me if I was.**_

_**Well that's a step in the right direction, I'm proud of you.**_

"Can I have a word with you?"

Warm eyes turned to look at Quinn, an attempt at a smile on his face as he focused on her. "Go ahead in Quinn, she was asking for you down in the E.R."

Quinn nodded at Hiram, her gaze still focused on them as they disappeared behind a door labeled staff only, her hands clenched painfully against the cloth she still held. Her breath forced its way from her lungs, leaving a dull ache behind it when she made her way past the curtain and caught sight of Rachel asleep in the bed. She sank down into the chair beside the bed, her hand hovering over the still one that lay beside the still body. Her eyes closed tightly against the conflicting emotions she could feel pushing up into her chest and she shifted back into her chair, afraid that if she touched her she would wake her up.

_**She looks pale. Rachel never looks pale.**_

_**She's okay Quinn.**_

_**No. Nothing about this is okay. He's right. This is all my fault. **_

_**No, Mercedes was right. We went over this already. Rachel chooses to be with you, she loves you.**_

_**That doesn't make it the right choice on her part.**_

_**And who are you to decide that for her?**_

_**No one. I'm no one. **_

_**You're someone to her. **_

_**What if she wakes up and this is all too much?**_

_**So, first you were worried that she was making the wrong choice by staying with you, and now you're worried she'll make the wrong one by leaving you?**_

_**Why is it, that whenever you repeat things back to me, they always sound stupid?**_

_**I think the better question is, why don't I just repeat everything to you so that you won't do stupid things…**_

_**Can we focus on Rachel right now please?**_

_**What is there to focus on exactly? You're going to sit in this chair until she wakes up, and then you're going to hold her hand and tell her you love her and be there for her. **_

_**Of course.**_

_**So, then what is there to focus on?**_

_**How small and bruised she looks in that bed…**_

_**I don't want to focus on that. If I focus on that, I'll focus on what could have happened. What they could have done to her.**_

_**Speaking of which...**_

_**What?**_

_**I think it's about time you stopped letting your escape from the Quinn you used to be get in the way of what needs to be done.**_

_**What's that supposed to mean?**_

_**You know exactly what it means. You've been hiding behind this new self you've created, meanwhile you've both been suffering needlessly. **_

_**I don't want to be that Quinn again. **_

_**So be a combination of the two. You know how to fix this Quinn, how to protect her from here on out. They pushed you and now it's time to push back. **_

_**What about the cops?**_

_**Please, when have the cops ever come through for you? The only one of them that will get into trouble is the driver, and even he won't get the jail time he deserves. This is up to you and you know it. **_

_**I'll call Santana tomorrow.**_

_**Good girl. **_

Quinn woke slowly, her brow furrowed, when she felt fingers very gently combing through her hair. She opened her eyes, even more confused when she saw the hospital room around her and felt the course blanket on her cheek. The arm that was folded underneath her against the hard corner of the rail beside her, protested while blood rushed into the offended limb. She turned her head to see warm brown eyes watching her, the hand that had been in her hair dropping to the bed when Quinn moved to look at her, still groggy.

_**She looks so pale.**_

_**Well, she lost blood.**_

_**Yeah.**_

"Rach. You're awake." Her own words seemed to sink in and she quickly stood from her chair to press a kiss to the face that was smiling softly at her from the bed. She pulled back to examine her face in the daylight, her brow creased while she moved her hand to brush hair away from the stitches on her forehead. A long slow sigh escaped while she continued to examine each bruise she could find until she felt a hand touch her cheek and she returned her attention to the gaze that was watching her.

_**She has so many bruises.**_

_**What did you expect?**_

_**I don't know, I just... it's hard to see her like this, looking so small and broken in a hospital bed.**_

_**At least she's alive. **_

_**Yeah.**_

"I'm okay."

"No, you're not, you're hurt. You could have been…" She trailed off and swallowed, her eyes shifting to look at the window while she sank down onto the space beside Rachel's knees.

"Quinn." She leaned forward enough to pull the hand that was clenched at the edge of the bed into her lap and laced their fingers together, Quinn's eyes following to their clasped hands. "I'm fine."

_**She's strong Quinn, she'll recover.**_

_**I know.**_

_**Do you?**_

Another sighed escaped while she fought against the thoughts of how much worse this could have been, knowing there would be a waver in her voice when she spoke and trying to focus on Rachel's hand warm and alive in her own so she cold choke it down. "I'm so sorry baby."

"This isn't your fault."

"Yes, it is. It was my car, they thought it was me that they were attacking. If we hadn't been fighting we would have still been at that stupid party and you'd be fine."

"You didn't make them throw slush at the car."

_**Didn't I though? I'm the one that painted a target on your back in the first place, and now I've made it even bigger. **_

"No, but I should have found a way to stop this sooner. I... I gave up this summer, and that…" She stopped and took her hand back to rub her face, her arms dropping to hug herself while she kept her eyes closed. "After everything with my father and the things he got away with, then the things that everyone seemed to get away with at the club, I just stopped fighting. If those assholes had started harassing us last year I would have put the fear of the entire force of the cheerios into them and now, I just let them do it. I just gave up and accepted that this was happening and there was nothing I could do and as a result… you got hurt, the one person I should have been fighting to protect."

"You've been through a lot baby, I didn't expect you to protect me."

_**I should have though, I brought you into this, I should have removed the threat.**_

"That's just it, you were dealing with this because of me, so I should have found a way to keep them away from you."

"How do I make you believe that this isn't your fault?"

"You don't." She opened her eyes and focused on the trees she could see poking up at the edge of the roof below the window, not really noticing that Rachel had gone completely silent as the seconds ticked by. Finally she turned her head when a very low, question came from Rachel, the waver in her voice obvious.

"Are you going to break up with me?"

"What?"

"It's not like I've just met you. You're blaming yourself and being distant. The next logical Quinn move is to run away to protect me. It's kind of what you do."

_**Oh my god, look at what you did.**_

_**I didn't do this.**_

_**Yes you did, past idiocy totally led up to this.**_

_**I'm not running though…**_

_**Well show her that already.**_

She immediately slid sideways onto the bed and leaned forward, her hand slipping into dark hair to pull her head closer and kiss her as deeply as she could while still remaining gentle, careful not to hit her broken nose. When she pulled back she couldn't help but smile a little at the dazed look on Rachel's face. "I'm not breaking up with you Rach, I'm not going anywhere. I just want to fix this. I want to make it safe for you. I want to make sure they won't ever hurt you again."

"How are you going to do that?"

"I have a few ideas. Don't worry about it okay? Just, know that I promise that when you leave this hospital, it'll be safe for you again. I'm going to make this up to you."

"You don't have to make anything up to—"

"I do, and I will." She leaned forward and kissed her once more, her face coloring when she heard a throat clear behind her and she pulled back to see a nurse smiling at her while she apologized and moved to the chair to give her space to check Rachel's vitals.

Quinn leaned against the window frame, her eyes focused on the back door that sat on the other side of the fence that separated the house she was focused on from the one she stood within. She heard a thud behind her and a string of cursing and she turned to see Santana rubbing her knee while she moved over to stand beside her at the window.

"Puck is damn lucky he doesn't have my mother, she'd have taken a bulldozer to this hell whole he calls a room by now. Seriously, how hard is it to not leave your shit on the floor? If I have a bruise on my knee I'm going to—"

"You didn't have to come you know."

She rolled her eyes and folded her arms across her chest while she took her place at the window, gaze focused on the lights that came on in the otherwise dark mostly empty building they were watching. "Yeah well, I want to see them cry like the little bitches they are when the cops show up to arrest their temporarily virgin asses."

_**You**__**know, I didn't realize it over the summer, but I seriously missed Santana.**_

_**She has always had your back.**_

_**Yeah, I don't know how I forgot that.**_

"Gross."

"Oh come on, they deserve to be someone's prison girlfriend."

"That doesn't mean I want to picture it. They're in the house already, where's Puck?"

"He's probably at their car."

"It doesn't take him this long to break into a car that probably isn't locked to begin with… maybe I should go check and—"

"Worried about me baby mamma?"

She sighed and reached for her cell phone, her eyes briefly lingering on the increasing number of missed calls before she focused on checking the time. "Stop calling me that."

"But it's so much fun, you get that annoyed look on your face."

"It's not too late to castrate you and claim it was for the wine coolers."

"That's not a nice thing to say to the dude that's helping you with your little revenge plot."

She let out a long slow breath and turned back to the neighboring house. "What did you put in their car exactly?"

"Just enough weed to get them a few months in lockup, not enough for anything major."

"Because we wouldn't want them to suffer?"

"Don't worry Q, between the weed, the underage girls, and the liquor they'll get what they deserve."

_**What they deserve… are you sure about that?**_

_**Yes. They could have killed Rachel.**_

_**She wouldn't approve of this, you know.**_

_**I'm protecting her.**_

_**She won't see it that way.**_

_**What else would you have me do? I let things go too far and now I have to resort to drastic measures.**_

"We should have made it worse, we would have in the past. Shrimpy spice is making you soft."

She glanced at Santana and gnawed on her bottom lip. "Your secret love for Rachel and the spice girls aside, I think this'll get the message across that Rach is off limits. They don't need life in prison."

"Soft."

"Whatever. Here Puckerman, call your mom and tell her someone's next door, she'll call the cops." He tossed him her cell phone. "You talk to Sylvester, Santana?"

"Yeah, your uniform is over there in your duffel. You so owe me, like for life."

"Oh please, the fact that you even still have my duffel shows how much you missed having me in the cheerios." She smirked and quickly brought a finger up to her own lips when Santana opened her mouth to respond, her head nodding towards Puck when he started to speak into the phone. Without a word she moved away from the window to scoop up the bag and head into the bathroom to change. Once in the familiar uniform she stopped as she caught sight of herself in the mirror, her eyes traveling up her own form to take in the full impact of seeing herself in the outfit once again. Her lip tucked in between her teeth and her hand smoothed over her flat stomach, painful memories threatening to surface as she stood before the mirror, eyes focused on the giant red and white letters across her chest. A knock on the door shook her out of her daze and she turned away to leave the room. "What?"

_**What will Rachel see when she sees you in this uniform once again?**_

_**I don't know.**_

_**I see the bitchy queen bee that used to run the school.**_

_**Yeah, and the knocked up teenager clinging to a life that was already gone.**_

"Come on, we need to get to your car and move down the block so we can pull up when the cops are bringing them out."

"Yeah, let's go."

Quinn killed the engine and climbed out of the car, her eyes focused on the flashing lights in front of her. She bit back the smirk when she saw the three boys in handcuffs being led away from the now lit up house. When she moved to lean against the hood of her car, one of them caught site of the three of them and his eyebrows came together after his gaze moved up her uniform clad body to her eyes, recognition of the old Quinn Fabray entering his face. Her mouth curved up into an almost imperceptible satisfied smile and she nodded her head towards him, purposefully crossing her arms nonchalantly when he yelled something and tried to pull away from the cop to get to her.

_**Don't slip too far into the persona Quinn.**_

_**I won't. **_

_**Are you sure? You're enjoying the look on his face. **_

_**Of course I am he knows that I'll do what I have to in order to protect Rachel now.**_

_**I'm just saying, don't get drunk with power.**_

"You fucking bitch! You did this! I'll fucking kill you!" The cop tightened his grip on his arm and pushed him into the car, muffling his complaints when he slammed the door. One of the officers came over to the three of them, a stern frown on his face.

"Can I help you with something?"

"Not at all officer, we just pulled up to my friend Puck's house here and thought we would see what was going on before we went in."

_**I hate it when you use that saccharin sweet cheerleader voice.**_

_**Me too.**_

"Move along then."

Quinn sighed and silently cursed her lack of foresight while she picked at the clear tape that lined the edges of the box she was fighting with, silently wondering why anyone would actually put that much tape on anything, ever. She contemplated the effectiveness of a plastic butter knife and even she even had said useless utensil when a soft knock pulled her attention to the front door. One final dirty look was aimed at the offensive box after she placed it on the other stack of boxes of furniture she had yet to put together and she moved towards the door.

"Rachel, what—"

"Can I stay here tonight?"

_**Would a mattress on the floor hurt her right now?**_

"Um, I don't really have any furniture put together yet…"

"Is that a no?"

"Of course not, come in." Her eyebrow arched when Rachel pushed into the apartment without offering her a kiss hello, and headed straight for the kitchen counter.

"I brought some dinner."

"Thank you." She slowly closed the door and moved back over to the pile of boxes, her eyes focused on Rachel's stiff back while she watched her empty the bag onto the counter. When she began picking at the tape once again she heard a sigh from across the room and looked up to see Rachel with her arms folded over her chest, watching her.

"Don't you own anything sharp to open that with?"

"Everything I own is in these boxes. It apparently didn't occur to me to buy scissors or a knife or something."

"Hang on." She turned away and fished around in her bag before she walked over and handed Quinn something.

"Why do you have a Swiss army knife?"

"It's important to be prepared for any situation."

_**That's so… Rachel of her.**_

_**Well, she IS Rachel.**_

_**Shut up, it was adorable.**_

"So, you just carry this everywhere?"

She rolled her eyes and took the knife back, swiftly slicing the tape and opening the flaps of the box. "Have we just met?"

_**Okay, that on the other hand, was less Rachel and more angry snark.**_

_**Right? I think you're rubbing off on her too much.**_

Eyebrows arched up once more and Quinn watched for a few seconds while Rachel methodically pulled everything out of the box. "Are we going to talk about what's bothering you, or are you just going to snark at me, because I'm pretty sure that I'm the one that does that and you're the one that rants endlessly about everything that's ever happened to you ever."

Her eyes narrowed up at Quinn before she sank down onto the floor, her legs folded under her while she attacked another box with the small knife. "I'm going to choose to ignore that and continue helping you organize this chaos you call an apartment."

"I've been here for like two days Rach, and in case you've forgotten, yesterday I spent the entire day with you in the hospital."

"It was absolutely absurd that they kept me there for as long as they did. I have no doubt in my mind that if my father weren't a doctor there, I would have been home days ago. An entire Saturday, that could have been spent doing anything besides lying uselessly in a hospital bed, has now been completely wasted."

Quinn pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and stared down at her while she continued to pull random things from boxes. "I'm going to guess that going home wasn't exactly what you expected it to be today."

"I didn't even get through the door and I was being lectured, _lectured_ about my choices and the company I _choose _to keep _over _my supposed _father_. Which, of course, caused an immediate argument between them. I don't know if it's worse that I received such an inadequate and inappropriate welcome home from the _hospital_, or that I actually had to leave my own home to get away from the incessant arguing. I mean who are they? Who have they even become?" She emphasized her point by ripping a box open when she realized a corner of the tape hadn't been properly cut.

_**Comfort her. Show her how much you want her here. **_

She wordlessly took the few steps between them and knelt down beside her, one hand tucking dark hair behind an ear before she carefully captured the soft lips that were slightly open to continue her rant. When she felt Rachel relax into the kiss, she deepened it until a hand slid under the hem of her shirt to rest on a hip and pull her closer. A small smile curved up the edges of her mouth when Rachel leaned forward in search of her lips, eyes still closed after she pulled back. "Welcome home from the hospital baby."

Dark eyes finally opened and focused on her, all traces of annoyance gone from her face. "See, now was that so difficult?"

"Well, I should hope your father wouldn't welcome you home quite like that."

She smiled, finally and rolled her eyes, her hands dropping to fidget with the loose tape hanging from the edge of a box. "A hug would have been nice, maybe a nice dinner, just some sign that he was happy to see me."

"I'm sure he was happy to see you Rach."

"He didn't show it."

"It couldn't have been easy for him to stay away from the hospital after his fight with Hiram the first night baby."

"All the more reason he should have been waiting to actually spend time with me. This isn't my family. I'm starting to feel like my family's going to be gone forever."

"Rach I—"

"Don't you dare apologize, this isn't your fault. They were having problems before, I've told you that before."

"I certainly haven't helped."

"You've helped me."

_**I love you Rachel. **_

_**Do something.**_

_**Like what?**_

_**Make tonight special for her. Give her the welcome home she deserves. **_

She leaned forward and placed a small kiss on her lips before she pulled back and handed her a different box. "Here open this one, I'll be right back."

"But—"

"Stay out here." She ignored the frown on Rachel's face and disappeared down the hallway and into the room she had decided would be her bedroom.

When she emerged from the bedroom, much later than she would have liked, Rachel was in the middle of the room surrounded by neatly organized stacks of furniture parts and whatever else she had decided to pull out of boxes. Quinn suppressed a small smile at the site of the neatly folded cardboard in the corner of the room by the door and headed silently to the kitchen where she pulled the plastic wrap off of the microwave and plugged it in, her attention focused on the food she was placing in it when Rachel leaned over the edge of the counter to watch her.

"What were you doing in there?"

"If I told you, then it would kind of defeat the purpose of not letting you help, now wouldn't it?"

"From the sounds that came through the wall, you probably should have let me help."

"I was fine."

"What was that really loud thud?"

"I was moving something."

"I gathered."

"Wait here."

"Again?"

"Yes." She put the rest of the food into the microwave and disappeared with what she had already heated, reappearing immediately.

"Are we eating in separate rooms too, because that—"

"Oh my god, has no one ever surprised you with anything ever?"

"You have."

"Yeah well, then, stop asking questions."

"Seriously, it's like you think I'm not me tonight."

"You'll have your answers in…" She paused and glanced at the microwave. "…two minutes."

"You really want me to just stand here and not ask any questions for two minutes?"

"A minute and fifty five seconds."

"See, an entire five seconds wasted where I could have been asking questions."

"Technically, that was a question."

"Not about what I wanted to know."

"How will you ever survive the suspense?"

"I won't. I'll spontaneously combust, and then you'll wish you had told me."

"Drama queen."

"It's one of the many things you love about me."

"Keep telling yourself that."

"Well that was just rude."

"But it kept you from asking any questions for the last ten seconds on the microwave." She pulled the containers out and turned, her mouth open to say something when Rachel interrupted.

"Let me guess, wait here?"

"See, it's not difficult to be agreeable." She dodged the wadded up plastic bag that Rachel threw at her and disappeared into the safety of the bedroom once more. This time when she emerged, Rachel was leaning against the counter, arms folded and a very Rachel pout on her face. Quinn smiled and offered her a soft kiss while she ran a finger down one arm to take her hand and pull her towards the bedroom. "Come on, pouty."

"I've spent most of my night alone assembling random—" She stopped, Quinn bumping into her back as she came to an abrupt halt when she finally entered the room.

Quinn's arms settled around her from behind and she placed a small kiss on her neck while she let her take in the way she had organized the room. A mattress, the culprit of the loud thud, lay in the corner of the room carefully made and piled with pillows to allow it to be used as a couch. A makeshift table sat beside it, the food spread out amidst a few lit candles she had dug out of the bag of belongings she had salvaged from her old ruined apartment. Quinn's cell phone softly played music while it glowed softly, the little screen displaying a fireplace screen saver. When her eyes moved to the laptop that displayed the view of the city skyline from Quinn's New York apartment, she turned and kissed her deeply, dark eyes shining before they slipped shut.

Quinn lay on her side, her eyes focused on the dark bruise that stretched out beyond the hair that spilled across Rachel's forehead, hiding the rest of the injury from sight.

"What are you looking at?"

"This." She barely touched her skin with her thumb, almost tracing the edge of the still angry flesh.

"I'm fine."

Her fingers moved to the tip of the dark rainbow of colors that stretched across the bridge of her nose and into both eyes, then down to the marks that covered her shoulder, exposed by the tank top she was wearing. She leaned forward and ever so gently brushed her lips against the tip of her nose, then her temple, her shoulder. When she slid Rachel's shirt up to examine the angry brownish green marks that angled across her torso Rachel turned onto her back, her hand gently running through Quinn's hair.

"What are you doing?"

"That night, when you…" She paused and swallowed before she leaned forward to kiss her way down Rachel's chest before she continued. "…kissed all of my scars, it made me feel… better." A small sigh escaped at the sound of her own voice deepening towards the end of her sentence and she took in a small breath while she turned her attention to the splinted broken fingers on Rachel's left hand, then the bruises on her elbow. "I want to do the same for you."

A finger gently hooked under her chin until their eyes met. "I love you."

She brushed her lips against Rachel's, pulling immediately back when she felt her attempt to deepen the kiss, a small frown furrowing her brow when Quinn returned to her search for any bruises she might have missed. "Your broken nose isn't going to affect your voice is it?"

"No, believe me, I asked repeatedly. What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Quinn—"

"What about your ribs?"

"What about them?"

"You could stress them while singing."

"They aren't broken, just sore."

"Maybe you should give yourself some more time to heal before you sing a solo." She settled back on her side, one hand gently tracing patterns on Rachel's arm, her eyes still focused on the thick band of bruising that disappeared below her shirt.

"Baby, I'm fine. It'll all heal."

She closed her eyes against the image of Rachel unconscious and bleeding in the drivers' seat. "I know."

"Come here." She turned back onto her side, her hand tangling in Quinn's hair when she pulled her closer to kiss her. This time when Quinn pulled back after Rachel slid closer and began to kiss her way down her throat she propped herself up on an elbow and studied the face that was avoiding her gaze. "What's going on?"

"I don't want to hurt you."

"Hurt me how?"

"You just left the hospital Rach, and you're covered in bruises. What if I get distracted and hit your nose, or your other injuries while we're kissing?"

She smiled and reached over to tuck wayward blonde hair behind an ear before she placed one soft kiss on her lips, then rolled over and snuggled back against the warm body behind her twining their fingers together against her stomach when they settled into the familiar sleeping position. "Thank you for tonight."

Quinn took in a deep slow breath, her eyes focused on the red and white cloth that she smoothed down over her stomach. A small knot had formed in her chest when she had put on the uniform and realized she hadn't spoken to Rachel yet about her rejoining the Cheerios. When she finally made her way to the kitchen, Rachel was leaning against the counter and she froze mid sip of orange juice, her eyebrows coming together in confusion over the brim of her glass.

"Why are you wearing that?"

Quinn twitched an eyebrow up at her before she moved past her to reach for the toast on the counter behind her, eyes not meeting the gaze she could feel watching her. "I rejoined the team."

"Are you serious?"

"Why would I be wearing this if I wasn't?"

"I'm not really sure I understand what's going on here. I thought you wanted to leave the old Quinn Fabray behind you."

"This isn't about that Rachel."

"Then what's it about?"

She dropped the uneaten toast back on the counter and sighed. In one quick movement she stretched behind Rachel and grabbed a protein bar from a cabinet and headed over to her duffel bag by the stack of boxes in the corner. "It's just what I needed to do."

"What does that mean?"

"It means this is what I needed to do right now. There's no hidden meaning behind my words Rachel." She unzipped the bag and pulled out her jacket before she leaned behind her and grabbed the notebooks on the counter and threw them in. When she turned towards the door a hand on her arm stopped her and she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth when Rachel's arms slipped around her waste to force her to meet her eyes.

"Why are you being weird about this?"

"I just, this is one of the ways I could think of to protect you, to make all of the slushies and, just everything stop. I should have done it sooner, if I'm back on top, I have the power to do something."

"That doesn't explain why you're being distant and—"

"I don't want you to be mad at me for this."

"Why would I be angry with you for doing what you think you have to do?"

"What I think, is that it's better than nothing. It's better than letting all of this crap continue."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"I trust you Quinn. I won't pretend that seeing you like this doesn't make me wonder if you'll slip back into old habits, but you have really sweet intentions so I'll do my best to ignore that."

"I'm not going to revert, I couldn't hurt you anymore Rachel, you have to know that. I won't ever direct the ice queen head cheerleader act towards you."

When Quinn leaned forward to kiss her, she pulled back and turned to pick up her coat from the stack of couch cushions against the wall. "Then we'll be fine."

_**That didn't seem fine.**_

"Are you sure?"

"I'm a little annoyed that you felt you couldn't talk to me about it before you did it, but I guess I was in the hospital and you were trying not to cause me any unnecessary stress." She picked up her bag and turned to look at Quinn. "I do understand that you're struggling with the idea that the accident was your fault and if this is your way of dealing with it, then I suppose there are worse things that you could have done."

Quinn's eyes dropped to the floor and she shoved her hands in her jacket pockets while she headed for the door. "Yeah. Come on, we'll be late."

Quinn perched on the edge of a chair, eyes focused on the clock, her brow furrowed. She pushed herself back to her feet and paced around the room, hands on hips while she continued to watch the clock.

_**Rachel's never late. **_

_**Relax, her text earlier was good, remember? Her wanting to sing a solo to you today is a good thing.**_

_**Yeah but she's late. She should be here early to prepare, it's Rachel it's what she does. **_

_**Maybe she's already prepared, she didn't say to be here early just to make sure you were on time so you didn't miss it. **_

_**Yeah, but that was hours ago, and she's been kind of weird all day. **_

_**Okay, she does keep watching you, like she expects you to do something. **_

_**It's the damn uniform, I knew this would happen.**_

_**Nothing's happened.**_

_**She looks at me differently now, she sees me as the girl that used to torment her.**_

_**She wouldn't want to sing to you in front of everyone if that were true. **_

_**Then where is she?**_

She stopped pacing, her hands dropping when she saw Rachel enter the room, a lump forming in her throat dark eyes studied her and her face darkened while she frowned.

_**She's looking at me the way she used to.**_

_**I can see that.**_

"Rachel, hey what's—"

"What did you do?"

"What?"

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Do you have any idea what I've heard today? Some of it was completely absurd and other things… just…" She trailed off and took in a slow deep breath while she dropped her bag in a chair and approached Quinn. Her arms wrapped around herself while she approached, her eyes softening while chocolate eyes peeked up at her from under dark bangs.

_**She actually looks vulnerable. **_

_**Yeah, she does.**_

_**You can't lie to her. **_

_**What makes you think I was going to lie?**_

_**Just be honest Quinn, tell her you needed to do this to protect her.**_

_**She won't understand.**_

_**You did it because you love her.**_

_**I know.**_

"Just tell me it's all crazy, that the rumor mill has spun things way out of control that you haven't done anything that even slightly resembles the things I've heard today."

"Rachel…" She closed dropped her gaze to the floor and pulled her lip between her teeth, her voice almost a whisper when she finally spoke. "I love you."

_**Why is she being so quiet?**_

_**She's disappointed in you.**_

Quinn hazarded a small glance up, immediately sorry she did when she found her studying her face, an emotion she couldn't quite identify filling her features.

_**What is that?**_

_**I don't know, but I do know it makes me feel like the floor just dropped out from underneath me.**_

"What did you do?"

"I had to. They were going to get away with it Rachel. I didn't do anything that they didn't deserve."

"What, did you do?"

"They deserved to go to jail, they almost killed you. If you had been a half a mile further down the road you would have gone off the bridge and we wouldn't be standing here having this conversation. If you had hit that tree just a little differently, you could have—"

"So that makes it okay to ruin there lives? Where are your morals?"

"My morals? They brought underage girls to a house with roofies in their pockets, they would have taken advantage of those girls, I didn't make them do that."

"But you put them in that position didn't you? You got those girls to approach them, you got them into that house."

"Yes."

"What else did you do?"

"Does it really matter Rachel? They weren't going to stop. They were pushing me further and further until they went too far."

"That's seriously your answer right now? So, what happens if I push you too far?"

"No, that can't-"

"Where's the line?"

"I did what I had to do to keep you safe, to protect you from this goddamn hell that I brought down on you in the first place. Let's face facts Rachel, I'm the one that put you in the spotlight, and I'm the one that emphasized it even more, so it was up to me to make it perfectly clear that you're fucking off limits. So I did what I had to do to make sure that anyone that even thinks about going anywhere near you will fully understand that I will fucking take them down."

_**Um, you're yelling. And that sounded a little crazy.**_

"Who are you?"

_**Yeah, that's your cue to calm the fuck down.**_

She turned away, one hand coming up to brush against her own forehead while she took in a few calming breaths to try to ease the shaking she could feel starting in her hands. When she spoke again her voice was low again, barely loud enough to hear the rasp that gave away her state of mind. "I can't, I had to do something. I can't be the reason you're broken and bleeding ever again Rachel. I just can't."

"This was revenge Quinn."

"No, this was—"

"Don't you dare say that you were protecting me again, there are a million ways you could have done that without coming up with some devious plot to ruin their lives."

She spun to face her, cheeks flushing with renewed anger. "They deserved it! Do you think they stopped for one second to consider what would happen to anyone in that car when they threw those cups? They didn't care about my life or yours so why should I care what happens to them? Let's face it Rachel, we're all better off without them stalking the halls of Mckinley tormenting everyone in their path. I did everyone a favor."

"I can't believe I've been so stupid."

"What?"

"I believed you, I actually believed that the girl that used to rule the school was just some façade that hid the real Quinn somewhere deep under the surface and that's not true at all, is it? She's always in there somewhere, just another facet of your personality."

"That's not—"

"It is though, just make you angry enough and she just comes right up to the surface and that's it, that's who you are in that moment. It's just your mood that dictates which Quinn you are, is that it? Is this who you are? The cold, calculating, cut throat Quinn Fabray that I pitied once? Or are you the girl I fell in love with. I can't tell right now, I'm not even sure which is the real you at all anymore."

_**I don't like where this is going…**_

_**No kidding.**_

_**Fix it. Show her that she's wrong.**_

_**Is she?**_

_**Yes.**_

_**I'm not so sure.**_

She took a step forward, all anger completely dissipated from her and she lifted a hand to brush against Rachel's cheek, something twisting in her stomach when she felt her tense under her touch.

"Rach, I'm still me, I'm still the person you fell in love with. I was protecting you. I was protecting us." Quinn felt her hands start to shake and she shifted her hand to completely cup the side of Rachel's face, the other grasping her hand while she met her eyes.

"No, the girl I fell in love with is sweet and kind. She recreates New York by candle light, and kisses every inch of skin that hurts, she doesn't cause people pain."

"Please Rachel, I love you, I'm this Quinn. The one that's right here with you, the one that would do anything for you. All I've been trying to do is be with you and make things better for you. I just can't stand the idea of anyone hurting you. I need you. I want to be better for you." She leaned forward to brush her lips against Rachel's, desperate to make her feel the connection spark between them, the way it always did when they kissed.

"No." She stopped, pulling back, feeling fear tingle up her spine at Rachel's refusal to allow the kiss.

"Baby, please don't do this." Quinn felt tears spring to her eyes when Rachel pulled away in response to the endearment, backing towards the doorway, her eyes refusing to meet Quinn's.

"Don't Quinn. I need some time to think. I just think we should..." She trailed off and Quinn took in a deep breath, trying to control the panic she could feel rising in her throat.

"You're breaking up with me."

"I just want some space, some time to think things over."

"I know what that means Rachel."

"It means exactly what I just said."

"Right. Fine. Whatever." She pushed past Rachel, pausing in the doorway, fighting the urge to pull her into her arms and beg her not to do this. "I knew you would leave me some day. I just never thought you would take the easy way out when you did it." She forced herself to walk quickly away, unwilling to allow Rachel to respond, knowing she wouldn't be able to hold herself together any longer.

Quinn's entire body was so tense she could feel the muscles beginning to ache uncomfortably. She frowned down at the set of instructions in her hand, wondering why exactly they contained only pictures and no actual words in any language. Annoyed, she threw them off to the side and reached for the box of screws that had come with the furniture to try to find all of the parts the pictures were claiming should be there.

_**I don't want to be here right now.**_

_**Um, you live here.**_

_**You know what I mean.**_

_**You didn't have to answer your phone.**_

_**She just kept calling, besides I don't need her showing up at school to find me because I wouldn't answer my phone.**_

_**You haven't been to school in like two days, so where's the real threat there?**_

_**That's even worse, I don't even want to think about her running into Puck or Santana, I would never live down the information they could get from her.**_

_**That doesn't mean you had to agree to see her, you could have said no.**_

_**Please, you seriously think that would've worked? The only person that I know that's more stubborn than Carmen is Rachel.**_

_**Why would you bring her up right now?**_

_**I'm sorry.**_

_**Even hearing her name hurts.**_

_**I know. **_

_**What am I going to do when I do go back and actually have to see her again?**_

_**I don't know.**_

_**Yeah.**_

_**Let's focus on one issue at a time, namely the one on her way over here.**_

_**I really, really don't want to be here.**_

_**Yeah, I'm right there with you.**_

A knock sounded at her door and she tensed even further, but stayed where she was, eyes focused on the box of screws. "Come in, it's open."

"Did you get robbed or something?"

"No." She tilted her head up, regretting her decision to let her come even more when she caught sight of her.

_**Seriously, why does she have to look so much like Rachel? **_

_**To torture me.**_

"You look like crap Quinn."

"Nice to see you too Carmen."

"What happened?"

"This week, or ever?"

"You're cheerful."

"Am I supposed to be?"

"Yes. I'm visiting, that should always brighten your day."

"Your modesty has really improved I see." She arched an eyebrow when Carmen leaned down and picked up the discarded instructions to examine them.

"So tell me, why have you been avoiding me?" Quinn sighed as she watched the girl sit down on the floor across from her, finding it difficult to look at someone that reminded her so much of the girl she had just lost.

"It's not entirely you, it's that life. I don't really like being reminded of it, and you're a part of it."

"We were at the very least friends Quinn. For a while I thought we could eventually be more than that, you know once you became legal and everything."

_**Um...she's seriously hitting on you.**_

_**How do I get myself into these things?**_

"Carmen, I can try to be your friend, but beyond that I don't think it would be a good idea for anything else."

"Right. The girlfriend."

_**Please don't mention Rachel.**_

"Rachel broke up with me."

"Then what's the issue?"

"I just don't think it's a good idea."

"Why not? We're both single, and we have chemistry. You can't deny that there was heat between us, so why shouldn't anything happen?" Carmen stretched her arm across the space between them, taking Quinn's hand in her own. "You can't tell me you didn't feel anything that night."

_**This is what you get for using people.**_

_**I know. I didn't mean to though.**_

_**Please, you kissed her because she looked like Rachel.**_

_**Stop saying Rachel.**_

_**Rachel. Rachel. Rachel.**_

_**You can really be a small child.**_

"I just, can't."

"That's not really a reason."

"Maybe not one you want, but it's my reason."

She dropped her hand and leaned back to look at her. "Fine, if you can be evasive, then I can keep trying."

Quinn rolled her eyes and dumped out the box of screws, avoiding Carmen's gaze while she began to sort them into small piles.

"So what did you do to get her to break up with you anyway?"

A small scowl crossed her face and she quickly glanced back up at her before she went back to her sorting. "Why does it have to be something I did?"

"Um, because I've met you."

"Not cool."

"Seriously, what did you do?"

"It doesn't matter. All that matters is, she broke up with me, and I'm doing my best not to focus on it right now."

"And the plan is to sit here and put furniture together?"

"Yes."

"You invited me to hang out and help you with furniture… I'm not cheap labor you know, I might ask for compensation."

"I ordered food."

"Wow, either you're seriously hung up on this girl, or I need to work on my flirting skills." She toed the directions with one high heeled foot and glanced around the room. "All right, well, if I'm going to help I'll need to borrow a change of clothes first."

"There's sweat pants in my bedroom." She gestured towards the hallway with her head while she continued to sort hardware, raising her voice so Carmen could hear her from the other room. "And I didn't invite you, you threatened to go to the school if I didn't agree to hang out with you."

"Yeah well, a girl has to know how to get what she wants sometimes."

Silence settled over the apartment while she continued to push the small pieces of metal around on the floor. She barely turned her head when another knock sounded through the door, instead heading for her bag to get money to pay for the food she had ordered. "Come in. Total blackmail and you know it."

"It was way too easy, maybe I can get something more fun out of you by the end of the night, after all I already got into your pants so—" She trailed off when she turned the corner and froze, causing Quinn to follow her gaze to find a familiar form standing in the open doorway.

_**Crap.**_

_**Maybe if you say someone's name enough times they really do appear.**_

_**Not helpful. Why is she here right now?**_

"Rachel, what are you doing here?"

""That's what you have to say to me right now? Are you serious? I find you here with _her_, alone in your apartment with her in your clothes, and you have the nerve to ask me what I'm doing here?" Her furious gaze shifted to Carmen. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Carmen's just—"

"I was talking to _her._" She took a few steps into the apartment, eyes narrowed at Carmen. "Tell me, have you always had a complete lack of shame, or does it come off with your clothes?"

"Rachel!"

"You're feistier than you look."

"And apparently you're just as trashy as you—"

She stepped in between them. "Rachel that's enough, why are you even here right now?"

"I was worried about you, you disappeared for two days. You haven't been to school, and you definitely haven't answered your phone."

"Did it ever occur to you that I didn't want to see anyone?"

"So that's it? Your plan is just to never talk to me again?"

"What do you want from me?"

"Is this you pushing at us again, testing me?"

"You broke up with me Rachel."

"How is it possible that someone so smart can be so stupid?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you need to get the hell out of your head, to stop trying to force your fears onto me constantly. Even if I had broken up with you, which I didn't, do I really mean so little to you that you would immediately call your sluttiest friend and have sex with her to… I don't even know, forget me?"

"I didn't have sex with her. She's helping me put furniture together."

"Right."

"Rachel—"

"You know what, I can't even look at you right now. I can't be here. You need to—"

"No, really she didn't sleep with me, and for the record, I'm not slutty."

Rachel's eyes narrowed at the girl that had appeared beside them, the anger intensifying in her face. "Maybe you're the one that needs time to think."

"What does that even mean?"

"It means that if you're so convinced I broke up with you, then maybe it's what you really want. It means you're being an idiot. It means that you're seriously making me wonder what the hell I'm doing anymore...I can't even look at you right now." She turned and slammed the door behind her as she left the apartment.

_**What does she mean she didn't break up with you?**_

_**I don't know, I swear that's what happened...isn't it?**_

_**Well, she never actually said those words did she...**_

_**Well, no. But she used the universal it's a break line, everyone knows that it's a break up line.**_

_**I totally feel like I'm in an episode of Friends.**_

_**I didn't sleep with someone else.**_

_**Ok, so not the point.**_

"What just happened here Quinn, I thought you said she broke up with you?"

"I thought she did."

"How do you not know if you have a girlfriend or not?"

_**Ha! Yell 'we were on a break'.**_

_**Shut up!**_

"She said she wanted time to think, that she wanted some space to figure things out, that she wasn't sure who I was anymore."

"What did you do to get her to say that?"

"These guys were harassing us, they attacked her, she got hurt and they got away with it. I may have set it up so that they would be caught in a situation that would send them to jail for a long time. She said I ruined their lives, that I wasn't who she thought."

"So you did something she didn't approve of to protect her, she got angry and said she needed to think about where to go from here, and you honestly thought she was breaking up with you?"

"Yes."

"She's right. You're an idiot."

_**See, even Carmen agrees with me.**_

"Thanks a lot."

"Come on Quinn, seriously, she clearly wasn't breaking up with you."

"It wasn't clear to me."

"Did she say it's over, I never want to see you again?"

_**Is it too late for the I told you so dance?**_

_**Hate you.**_

"No."

"I can't believe I'm actually going to say this, but you need to fix things with her while you still can."

"I don't know how. I'm not even sure that I should. She's better off without me."

"She's better off getting her heart broken? Did you see the look on her face? That girl loves you. Why would you think hurting her would be better for her?"

_**I don't deserve her.**_

_**If I sigh at you, can you hear it?**_

"She's had to face so much because of our relationship. She's been harassed, injured, attacked, and she's barely speaking with her father."

"Well then doesn't it sound like she might need you even more considering she's dealing with so much?"

"She wouldn't be dealing with any of it if it wasn't for me."

"Will it all disappear if you do? Will it never have happened?"

"No of course not."

"So don't you think it would be better if you didn't break her heart on top of everything else? Wouldn't it be better if she had one person she could actually count on through it all? Someone to offer her strength and support while the rest of the world refuses it to her?"

_**That actually makes sense.**_

_**How come when she says it, it makes sense? I say that to you all the time.**_

_**Yeah well, I don't like listening to you. You can be an ass.**_

"I was trying to for a while, but I don't know how to fix any of it. I can't even look at her without hurting, without being terrified that she'll walk away from me, that it's deserved."

"If she hasn't walked away so far, then it seems to me like you're letting irrational fears get the best of you. You're being an idiot Quinn, you have something good, stop getting in your own way. If it was me, I would have dumped you on the spot when I walked in here and saw you with another woman. She didn't, so you can probably still fix it."

_**I'm going to say shut up before you even have the chance.**_

_**Fine. But how many times do I have to be proven right before you actually start listening to me?**_

_**Ok, maybe I can start listening more...sometimes.**_

"How am I supposed to do that?"

"I'm not you, I don't know how to make you stop being stupid. In fact, I'm fairly certain you'll probably avoid the issue as long as you can, making things worse...it seems to be what you do. But one of these days you're going to find yourself miserable and alone if you don't figure it out."

"That's comforting."

"I'm not trying to comfort you, I'm trying to tell you to get out of your own way."

"Can we just, not talk about this anymore?"

"Fine, but that's not going to solve anything."

"Come on, let's get back to the furniture."

Quinn glared out of the car window while the landscape slipped by, her body tensing more and more as they continued to get closer and closer to the school. She glanced over at Kurt, while he drove, silently wondering if ending their feud had been such a good idea after all.

_**Why am I doing this?**_

_**I don't know about you, but I don't want to have to sit and listen to Kurt sing show tunes for hours on end until he gets his way.**_

_**What's with everyone forcing me to do stuff lately?**_

_**Maybe they all realize you make poor choices on your own.**_

_**Thanks.**_

_**Any time.**_

_**That was sarcasm. **_

"So, let's get this out of the way, ask me how she is."

"Can we get coffee? I haven't slept much."

"Why no Quinn, she's actually not doing well at all. I don't think I've ever seen her so upset."

"I should probably get a muffin or something too, I don't think I've eaten in a few days."

"You called that one too, she does in fact look like she's been crying rather steadily as well."

"Is Puck having a party this weekend? I could seriously use a drink."

"Yes, she did tell me why you two are fighting, and no I don't think she'll stay angry with you forever. And yes, I do think you should stop talking about muffins and parties."

"What do you want me to say Kurt? Of course I want to know how she is, but I really shouldn't be asking about her. She'll probably never talk to me again after yesterday, she hates me."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Fairly certain I remember the biggest fight I've ever had with her."

"I think it's still fixable Quinn."

"I'm pretty sure she hates me..."

"So, you're just going to avoid her forever instead of working it out?"

"There's not much to work out, she doesn't like me too much right now, and I let her down yet again. It actually hurts to look at her right now Kurt, to see what I lost. I do have to give her the deed to her father's house though, my lawyer sent it over yesterday. Not that I'm sure she'll take it anymore."

"You can give it to her in glee."

"Why would I go to glee club?"

"Because it's therapeutic, and I am not letting you crawl back into your bed to sulk."

"You seriously suck."

"Maybe, but that doesn't mean I'm not looking out for your best interests."

"How do you know what's in my best interests?"

"Do you love Rachel?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to lose her forever just because you're too stubborn to actually have a conversation with her?"

"That's not—"

"See, best interests."

"What are you going to do? Duct tape me to a chair and make me talk to her?"

"If I have to."

Quinn reached up and rubbed her aching temples, wincing when Santana took a step closer to her to continue her garbled angry rant. She sighed and closed her eyes in an attempt to drown out the incessant voice when her notebook was thrown rather violently into her chest, bouncing backwards onto the floor. She jumped a little, forgetting to keep her gaze focused on the ground, her eyes finally meeting Rachel's angry face the first time all day.

_**Ow. Rachel just threw something at me. **_

_**I don't think I've ever actually seen Rachel this angry.**_

_**Well, in her defense, she did try to talk to you earlier and you just kind of ran in the opposite direction.**_

_**I didn't RUN.**_

_**Oh really? If you didn't run, she wouldn't have had a projectile to launch at you.**_

_**Whatever. I told you she hates me. **_

_**And I told you not to run away from her earlier.**_

_**Well, shut up. I couldn't look at her. It hurt.**_

_**Chicken.**_

"Do you ever answer your phone?"

"It's broken."

"Right. Fine. Keep avoiding me, that's helpful."

"Do you see a phone in my hand? I threw it across the room the other day, it's broken."

"Fine it's broken. You still didn't have to walk away from me earlier."

"What do you want Rachel?"

_**Stop sighing at me.**_

_**Stop being stupid.**_

"To talk to you."

"Oh, Kurt must have mentioned the deed. Right. Here." She fished an envelope out of her bag, holding it out, before placing it back in the bag when Rachel turned and angrily stalked towards the opposite side of the room.

_**Did you just say that to her?**_

_**I don't know why I did that. But she definitely hates me now.**_

_**Well she should.**_

"Q, what the hell are you doing?"

"She hates me. She has a right to."

"If she hated you, you fucking moron, she wouldn't have just left crying." Quinn looked up from her lap, sighing when she spotted Rachel's vacant chair. "Get your head out of your ass and follow her."

Quinn knocked on the passenger window of Rachel's car, surprised when she tried the handle and found it open, sliding into the seat silently.

_**Say something.**_

_**Like what?**_

_**How about, I'm sorry I'm the biggest idiot on the planet, and I love you more than anything. How can I ever make it up to you?**_

_**I can't say that.**_

_**Why not?**_

_**I can't just blurt it out like that.**_

_**Carmen's right, you're an idiot sometimes. Well say something!**_

"Why was she in your apartment?"

_**That's not really the question I was expecting.**_

_**Me either.**_

_**She sounds so sad.**_

"She was in town for a bachelor party. She wanted to get some coffee but I didn't feel like going anywhere she practically made me meet up with her. I didn't really think it would be a problem."

"You didn't think I would mind that?"

"I thought we were broken up, so no, I didn't even consider you having a problem with me spending time with a friend."

_**Tell her she means everything to you, do it now!**_

_**Shut up.**_

"It looked like more than spending time with a friend to me."

"Well it wasn't."

_**Stop being angry and fighting with her and talk you idiot.**_

_**Why, what's the point, she hates me.**_

_**She doesn't hate you. **_

_**Yes she does.**_

_**Fine, prove it. Ask her.**_

"Look, I realize you probably hate me, so not much of what I say matters, but I wouldn't do that to you."

"I don't hate you. I just needed to think."

"Yeah, about whether or not you could still be with someone you don't like."

"No. I needed to decide what the things you did meant about us. I needed to think about who you really are, which you is real, if you were just pretending with me..."

"Doing something you don't agree with doesn't take away from how I am when I'm with you."

"You didn't just do something I didn't agree with, you tried to lie to me about it, to keep it from me."

"I didn't lie to you Rachel."

"You could have talked to me about it, that morning I commented that you could have done something worse than rejoining the Cheerios. You can't honestly tell me that wasn't THE time to tell me."

"I didn't want you to feel responsible. I wanted you away from it, safe."

"I needed to think about whether or not I could actually accept that the old Quinn Fabray will always be a part of who you are, especially considering all of the times it hurt to even be near someone that could do all of those things to me."

_**Ouch. That hurt.**_

_**She has a point. **_

_**No, I'm not that Quinn, I could never treat her like that again. I'm not my parents. I don't hurt innocent people for no reason.**_

"Rachel, I would never hurt you."

"But you _are_ capable of hurting other people."

"To protect you, yeah. I would do anything to keep you safe, I don't care what it is. Why can't you see that I was doing it because I love you."

"I'm trying to see that Quinn, I am. I just thought you'd changed."

_**Why can't she see the difference? Does she see in me what I see in my father?**_

"Are you blind? I used to tear down anyone in my path to make me feel better about myself, regardless of who it was or if they deserved it. I didn't do this to make me feel superior, I did it so I could know you were safe. They did something wrong, all I did was make sure they faced the consequences they should have in the first place. They didn't get anything they didn't honestly deserve."

_**Calm down, you're not him.**_

"I know. They should have faced jail time for the accident. I know that. I just, I'm not the kind of person that can hurt other people without feeling bad about it, even if it's justified."

"That's why I tried to keep you out of it, so that you didn't do anything to them. I did. I kept you as far away from it as possible, so you wouldn't have to think about it like that. They can't hurt you anymore Rach, and if I lose you over this, at least I made it safer for you in the process and I won't apologize for that."

"I didn't break up with you."

"I didn't sleep with her."

"I believe you."

"I don't want us to be over."

"I don't want us to be over either... I was just trying to figure out how to move past this when I feel like I can't always trust you not to keep big things from me. But, I decided that your heart was in the right place. I don't think you would hurt me, just anyone that ever looked at me funny."

_**That's not entirely true...**_

_**Really?**_

_**Only people that would hurt her.**_

"Rach-"

"I know they deserved it, that doesn't mean I have to like it. I also know you could have done a lot worse to them. I understand where you were coming from, and I think I need to focus on that...on your need to protect me. But you've got to promise me that you won't do anything like this again, and that you'll talk to me about things instead of just continuing to keep everything inside."

"I promise."

"I know we're very different people Quinn, I can't expect what you've been through to not have effected how you deal with the things that happen to us. I understand that your outlook is different. Just talk to me, make decisions with me instead of for me."

"I'll work on it. Can you trust me?"

"I trust you to love me, to not break my heart, which I probably shouldn't...but I do. The rest will come with time. You have got to stop pushing me though."

_**So are you finally going to stop testing this relationship?**_

_**I'm going to do my best, even if that involves listening to you.**_

_**Do I have a victory dance? I feel like I should have one.**_

"I know. Even Carmen told me I was being an idiot. She said I have to stop getting in the way of us, that I'm letting my fears...my guilt over everything you've had to deal with effect us too much." Rachel sighed, still staring out of the windshield, her hands on her lap.

"Well that's surprisingly insightful, and more than a little helpful."

"Why would that surprise you? She's not stupid."

"No, but she does want you for herself."

"I know. She may have mentioned something about that too. I told her it could never happen."

"Well that makes me feel a little better. That you turned her down even when you thought you were single."

_**Of course I turned her down. **_

_**Well you didn't give her much reason to think you would.**_

_**But I only want her, how does she not know that?**_

_**Really? You need to ask that?**_

"I don't want anyone else." She shot a quick glance in her direction before returning her eyes to the mostly empty parking lot. "Rach...are we going to be ok?"

_**You sound scared.**_

_**I am. **_

"At some point, yeah I think we will."

"Do you think I'll ever stop messing up?"

"I think that whatever doesn't kill us only makes us stronger...eventually." They were silent for a few minutes, both staring out at the parking lot around them, the air still tense.

_**Say something to show her you need her.**_

"I've been miserable without you." Her voice was quiet, and even she had to admit she sounded lost as she said it. "I missed you so much Rach..."

"Yeah well stop being an idiot and you won't have to anymore." She heard a soft sigh and a click as Rachel unbuckled her seat belt, finally turning and leaning over the console, her hand turning Quinn's head as lips found hers. "I missed you too, idiot." She tangled her hand into brown hair desperately needing to pull her even closer.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Quinn took in a deep breath and pushed her way through the small group of people blocking the garage door, her eyes flicking quickly back to Santana and Britney when they reached the bottom of the basement stairs. She managed to hide the slight discomfort she felt when they entered the party, most of the eyes in the room focusing on the three of them, as the head cheerleader entered the room. She knew the attention that came with the position, and of course the uniform, and didn't get the same thrill she used to from it.

She scanned the room for Rachel, spotting her as she stood with her back to the stairs, animatedly discussing something with Kurt, occasionally stopping to sip the drink in her hand. She headed straight for her, ignoring the younger Cheerios that tried to get her attention when she went by, wrapping her arms around the brunette from behind. She dropped a kiss on her shoulder as she felt fingers intertwine with her hand as it rested possessively on Rachel's hip. Rachel paused in her conversation to turn and plant a kiss on her lips, leaning back against her, before turning her attention back to Kurt.

"Hey! Baby mama! You're here! Come drink with me, you're the only one that'll drink my shots with me, and I wanna do birthday shots like ten minutes ago." His voice was whiny, his words vaguely slurred while he stared at her.

"You sound like you've had a few shots as it is."

"Its not the same...come on...shots!" She rolled her eyes, giving Rachel a quick squeeze and a soft kiss on her neck, before releasing her to follow Puck over to his makeshift bar. She managed to convince him that he should go play beer pong after her third shot, refusing to ingest anymore of the odd concoctions he had managed to come up with, instead mixing herself something strong to wash the taste of the last shot out of her mouth. She spotted an empty seat beside Mercedes and sank into the cushions, smiling and waving a quick hello while she sipped her drink.

"Why are you over here by yourself?"

"The world was tilting."

"You let Puck mix your drinks, didn't you?"

"Uh huh. Where's Rachel?"

"She was talking to Kurt, I don't know where she-" She found herself cut off as Rachel appeared, dropping onto her lap, her arms coming up around Quinn's neck, one hand pulling blonde hair free from its Cheerio pony tail so it could tangle itself in it.

"Hey, you found her. How did you do that without moving?"

"You have got to stop letting Puck give you drinks, seriously, you're too lightweight for that Mercedes."

She felt warm breath tickling her ear as Rachel responded for Mercedes, who was nodding and giggling next to her, shuddering at the feeling of lips and breath against her skin. "You drink his shots."

"I'm not as much of a lightweight as she is." She gripped her hand on the armrest when she felt Rachel begin to nibble on her earlobe, her fingers drawing circles on the back of her neck, sparking tingles that started where fingers glided across her flesh and radiated down her spine.

"Are you wearing this to torture me?" Quinn smiled and blushed in response to the words mumbled against her ear, slightly embarrassed that Rachel had unwittingly touched on the real reason she had allowed Santana to drag her away from practice without giving her time to change.

_**If she only knew how often I wear it just to torture her.**_

"Maybe a little." She shifted slightly, slipping her hand under the side of Rachel's shirt that faced her, knowing the action would be hidden by the position of their bodies. She let her fingers gently trace up her ribcage before settling just beneath her breast, slightly cupping the soft flesh as a thumb brushed against a nipple through rough fabric. She smiled as she felt a gasp against her ear, a small moan escaping as she repeated the motion.

_**God, the noises she makes…**_

"I never should have told you how much I like that skirt on you."

"But then I might not wear it as often."

"You could just get over your leg baring phobia."

"Or you could just be happy that I'm a cheerleader again."

_**She won't be happy when she sees your routine.**_

_**Yeah, well, maybe she won't see it.**_

_**What reality do you live in? Rachel's like, the most supportive girlfriend on the planet, do you really think she won't be front and center for the competition?**_

_**Fucking Sue Sylvester. Why does she have to be so fucking competitive?**_

_**I think the better question is, why does she take her competitive streak to a level of psychosis that should have her banned from teaching. **_

_**Isn't the winning theory that her mother did a lot of acid while pregnant. **_

_**Ha.**_

"How long do we have to stay at this party?" Quinn laughed throatily, raking her nails down Rachel's side before slipping her hand back out of the shirt.

_**Too long.**_

"I just got here, I don't think we can leave yet. Puck's been a really good friend lately, I don't want to hurt his feelings."

"He has, hasn't he?" She could hear the frustrated whine in Rachel's voice, and she felt a fresh stab of desire shoot through her at the knowledge of Rachel's level of mirrored desperation.

_**You will not throw her down on this couch. Do you hear me?**_

_**But…**_

_**No.**_

"Rach, if you don't stop what you're doing to my neck, we're going to end up giving the room a show they should normally have to pay to see." She felt lips smile against her throat, before a small bite was placed on the flesh Rachel had been teasing. She contemplated the possibility of Sue Sylvester reaming her out for showing up with a hickey in the morning and decided it was worth it, as Rachel pulled back and turned to scan the room.

_**Do you really care that they're watching…**_

_**Yes. I feel way too on display…I don't want to feel like I'm back on that stage…I really don't ever want that feeling when it comes to something intimate with Rachel.**_

"There are entirely too many people watching us, don't they have anything better to do?" Quinn followed suit, shifting hazel eyes to survey their surroundings, noticing the attention they were drawing from the majority of the boys in the room. She was about to slide Rachel to the couch beside her, when she caught Finn glaring at her, his expression angry and obviously jealous. When he began to cross the room towards them, obviously intent on interfering, she turned her face slightly to capture Rachel's lips, her eyes still meeting his, until she felt Rachel deepen the kiss. She quickly lost herself to the moment, the soft sounds Rachel was making, and the feeling of her tongue hungrily sliding against her own driving her towards a complete loss of control. Rachel was the one to find the strength to end the kiss, pulling back to look at her, chocolate eyes pure black while she gazed down at her.

_**Umm…**_

_**Ok, so I may have gotten a little too wrapped up in that kiss.**_

"What happened to not wanting an audience?"

"Sorry." She flushed, and Rachel searched her face, obviously curious.

"What?" Quinn's eyes lifted back up to search for the boy, her smirk returning as she saw a red faced Finn barely containing his rage. "What are you looking at?" She saw Rachel's head turn out of the corner of her eye, following Quinn's gaze to where he had stopped his advance, obviously noticing the furious boy. "Quinn Fabray!"

_**He really looks like he might kick something…he does that a little too often.**_

_**I'm glad he's all red faced, maybe he'll finally get the idea that she is not his, and never will be again.**_

_**Are you going to start muttering about how she screams your name and not his again now?**_

_**No…**_

_**Right...**_

_**Well…she does.**_

"What? He needs to get it through his stupid skull that you don't belong to him. He was halfway over here before I did that, it stopped him right in his idiotic tracks."

"You're so sexy when you're being possessive." She turned to respond, cut off when lips crashed back against her own, the level of passion escalating rapidly. She realized she desperately needed to do something to ease the growing ache between her thighs, before she lost all ability to control herself and actually did throw Rachel down on the couch.

_**I want her.**_

_**Down girl, you have to stay for this party.**_

_**But it's been so long. **_

_**That's completely been your doing.**_

_**I wanted to make everything up to her, make sure things were back on track before...I was being sweet.**_

_**That girl has all but thrown you down on your bed more than once.**_

_**I needed to make sure we were ok first, that she trusted me again.**_

_**I'm fairly certain we reached that point a while ago.**_

_**It's Puck's birthday, he's done a lot for you, you can't blow him off.**_

_**Right. But, we could sneak off for a bit and come back…**_

_**You're a horn ball.**_

_**Hey, the last time I got to touch her, her father walked in. I think I have the right to want to jump her… We should move to New York a few months early so we can spend an entire week or two in our bedroom.**_

_**That's not a bad idea.**_

_**Oh, so now who's the horn ball?**_

_**Well...it's been a long time...maybe we are going a little bit crazy from Rachel withdrawal.**_

_**Ha, you're starting to come around to my way of thinking more and more lately.**_

"Rach..."

"Puck wouldn't care if we used his room."

_**If you so much as even think of saying yes to that...I swear I'll find a way to make it the worst sex you've ever had.**_

_**How could you ever think I could do that? Beth…**_

_**Stop talking, now. **_

"I so can't have sex in Puck's house, especially not in his room...that's just not an option."

"Right, sorry, I wasn't thinking." Quinn smiled and leaned back in to a kiss, attempting to remove the horrified look that had come onto Rachel's face at the realization of what she had just suggested.

_**Before you kill the mood completely with more thoughts of Puck's bedroom…Rachel's car was in a rather well hidden place…**_

"Your car was parked in a pretty secluded spot...no one would be able to see it from the house and there's a fence blocking off the other side."

"I thought you said we couldn't leave."

"We aren't leaving. We'll be back. He won't notice, as long as we don't take too long."

"Quinn, it's been months, I don't think that'll be an issue. You could look at me the right way right now and I might explode."

_**And I'm back…let's go…now!**_

"God, Rach...let's go."

Quinn was barely able to get the door closed before Rachel was straddling her, mouth ravaging her own while she ground down against the hips below hers. Quinn pushed Rachel's shirt up and over her head, leaning forward to bite a nipple through lacy fabric. She cupped the flesh, gently massaging her, as she swallowed Rachel's moan, her mouth urgently moving against her own. She ran her hands up Rachel's thighs, gripping her ass under the short skirt, moaning when the motion pushed the hips that rocked against her even closer. She felt her own hips lifting up, desperately attempting to find relief, while her hands gripped Rachel's waist encouraging her movement.

She felt fingers pulling down the zipper on her Cheerios top and shifted, helping her pull the shirt off, tossing it away before kissing her way up the tan chest and throat to meet hungry lips. Rachel's hands slipped under her sports bra, and she dropped her head back against the seat behind her when she felt it lifted up, her mouth finding and teasing an already painfully aroused nipple. She raked her nails down Rachel's back, causing her to arch her back and grind her hips further down into Quinn's. She traced the edge of the lacy material that led the way over a tan hip with her fingernail, reveling in the feel of Rachel's body arching further into the touch, her hand slipping slowly in between them. She felt herself throb, a fresh surge of moisture adding to her already dripping heat, when her fingers discovered how ready Rachel already was for her.

She pushed her shoulders back against the seat behind her and she plunged two fingers into the wet gripping entrance, her other arm wrapping around Rachel's hips to push her further against her fingers. Rachel threw her head back, moaning loudly while she ground down onto Quinn's hand, only to quickly pull back and thrust herself down hard against her again. The sight of Rachel frantically riding her pushed Quinn towards an edge she hadn't realized she would be able to reach without the other girl actually touching her. She bit her lip, pleasure radiating through her every time Rachel's thrusts pushed her own arm against the ache between her thighs. She shifted her hand slightly, her thumb sliding against Rachel's clit, as she began to flick her fingertips back and forth inside the folds that gripped and pulled on her.

She moved her thumb in tight circles, beginning to match Rachel's frantic movements, her arm providing the perfect amount of friction every time Rachel rocked her hips onto Quinn, as she moved against the hand inside of her. She felt Rachel's hips begin to imitate the circular motion of her thumb every time they ground down against her, her body beginning to shake and tense above her, and she increased the pressure of her thumb, knowing she was close. She felt the tension in her muscles snap when Rachel screamed out her name, grinding her hips down against her hard, the motion pushing her arm roughly against her own clit, pushing over the edge as she came with her girlfriend, pleasure radiating fiercely through her body. She felt Rachel collapse against her chest, panting heavily, and she wrapped her still shaking arms around her. The bright lights that lingered behind her closed eyelids began to fade as a smile stretched across her lips, her fingers beginning to draw light circles across the silky skin of Rachel's back.

"God, Quinn."

She felt herself laugh lightly in response, hazel eyes finally opening to catch the sexy flush that colored Rachel's coffee skin. She lifted her chin, lazily kissing lips that softly sought her out.

Quinn felt the huge smile on her own lips as she lifted her fresh drink up to slowly sip it, her eyes sparkling at Rachel, who was somehow managing to have a coherent conversation with Kurt somewhere nearby.

_**I had sex with Rachel, I had sex with Rachel….**_

_**Is this a new song? I like it better than the one about deli meats.**_

_**Yes, it's my I got to have sex with Rachel song.**_

_**I gathered that.**_

_**Shut it, I'm happy, it's been a long time…and I made her scream my name…a lot.**_

_**I noticed that too. **_

_**When did car sex become so hot?**_

"So how come it's ok for you to take advantage of her?" Quinn turned to the voice beside her, eyebrows rising up to her hairline while Finn stared expectantly down at her.

_**Take advantage of who? What?**_

_**I don't know, he barely makes sense like ninety five percent of the time.**_

"Excuse me?"

"You think you're better than me, but I didn't have to get her drunk first. Did you learn that one from Puck? From when he knocked you up?" She froze, her cup halfway to her mouth, the smile dropping from her face.

_**If he mentions anything regarding Beth to me ever again I will actually hurt him.**_

"You don't get to talk about that to me."

"Oh right, because the perfect Quinn Fabray can do whatever she wants without consequences."

_**Has he not been paying attention to my world?**_

_**As I said, he's a moron.**_

"Yeah clearly my life has been all rainbows and sunshine so far, Finn."

"If it wasn't Puck, it must have been the other whores you worked with over the summer. I hope you were at least tested so Rachel doesn't catch anything."

"Fu… No, no, I'm gonna stay calm. I didn't have sex with anyone over the summer."

"You must have picked up your moves from somewhere."

"What the HELL are you talking about?"

"Rachel. She's drunk."

_**She is? Since when?**_

_**I don't know, she didn't seem drunk to me.**_

_**She can barely stand up straight when she's drunk, never mind have hot car sex…**_

_**Ohh…let's ignore him and focus more on the hot sex part…maybe we can sneak away and do it again without Puck noticing.**_

_**I don't know, I'd like to take my time…quickies are great but let's get her back to the apartment where we can really spend the rest of the night driving her crazy.**_

"Not really." She turned to walk away, but he grabbed her arm painfully tight, turning her back to face him.

"What do you think you're doing?" Rachel's voice cut through the music easily, causing Finn to pause and shift his gaze to her, her tone clearly full of anger, and a rather thinly veiled warning.

_**Ha! You're in trouble now, she's always over protective…and immediately after sex when she's feeling our connection even more…look out.**_

_**I wonder if she'll kick him in the nuts.**_

"Finn! What the hell! Let go of her!" Rachel stepped in between them, drawing attention as her voice grew even louder, and somehow angrier.

"I'm protecting you, I told you she was bad for you Rachel."

"What's wrong with you?"

"It's not ok, Rachel, you were drinking."

_**What is it with him and drinking, what is he talking about?**_

"So what?"

"So, I'm not the one that got you drunk to have sex with you, she did. I followed you, Rachel, I just saw you." Quinn's mouth dropped open as the room fell eerily silent, leaving only music playing in the background. She felt as though time had frozen while the seconds ticked by, finally snapping out of it when Rachel broke the silence as her hand shot up to slap Finn hard across the face. "What the hell?"

_**Um…what did he just say?**_

_**No, no he couldn't have said that.**_

"I can't even believe you! Are you going to follow me around for the rest of my life just announcing it to random rooms full of people every time I have sex? You are so completely inappropriate. How is it any of your business at all what I do anyway?"

_**Um, yeah I didn't imagine him saying that, he saw us having sex.**_

_**How many people do you think will see us in a lifetime?**_

_**How are you so calm?**_

_**Well, I just had sex with Rachel…and she's taking care of idiot boy so... whatever.**_

_**The whole room heard.**_

_**Yeah so? They weren't watching us too… **_

"I care about you Rachel, and you're drunk."

_**Ooooh, so that's his deal with thinking she was drunk, you bastard.**_

_**I wouldn't take advantage of her. **_

_**Not that it would really be taking advantage…she's your girlfriend, and she's more than willing to have sex anytime, anywhere, any way...**_

_**That's because I can make her scream my name.**_

_**Seriously, what is it with you and the screaming? We should be paying attention to what's going on.**_

_**But I just had rather incredible sex, I don't want to focus on anything bad…**_

_**Stop being whiny.**_

_**Stop making me think of anything but Rachel naked.**_

_**You're hopeless.**_

_**Wait, he didn't see her breasts just now did he?**_

_**No, just her bra, she distracted you before you took it off. Not to mention, he's seen them before.**_

_**I hate you. Why would you say that? I was in a perfectly good mood…**_

_**What? You know they've had sex.**_

_**Son of a bitch, stop talking. She's with me, not him. ME.**_

_**Right, sorry…**_

_**That's better.**_

"I'm not drunk! I had one drink, I'm completely sober you idiot. Who do you think you are following me around and watching me like that, you pervert! I can do whatever I want with my girlfriend. And why do you feel the need to announce every personal detail of my life to everyone all the time? Do I need to get a restraining order against you just so I can avoid having everyone know my business all the time? Seriously, stay away from me, and stay away from Quinn. If you so much as look at me again I swear you'll regret it for the rest of your life." She turned away from him, grabbing Quinn's hand as she pulled her towards the door. Quinn let herself be pulled out of the party, still too distracted to do anything but follow behind Rachel.

Quinn could tell something was off from the moment she entered the building, she just wasn't entirely sure what it was, and it was driving her insane by the end of the day. She was certain that had this been two months ago, whatever everyone kept whispering and eyeballing her about, would have been brought painfully to her attention. Now, however, the head Cheerio found herself trapped in a new kind of torment…one involving snickering, averted gazes, and conversations that quickly hushed the second she came within earshot. She initially assumed that something was going on that she was somehow completely unaware of, but by the time she arrived in glee club, she somehow managed to convince herself that the strange behavior might actually just be from the mild spectacle Finn had made of them the night before. She had mostly found a way to ignore it all and was almost back down to a mildly alert level of relaxation, finally pushing the high level of suspicion to the back of her mind, until Rachel appeared and confirmed her initial concerns.

"What's going on today?" Rachel brushed her lips against Quinn's quickly, before she took her usual place beside her.

"I have no idea. I've chosen to ignore it. I assume it's about the argument with Finn."

"I don't know if that's it. I mean if it was just the whispering and pointing, that would make sense, but everyone's been avoiding me all day."

_**She's right, none of your friends have talked to you today, about anything.**_

_**Yeah, and all the younger Cheerio's haven't been up my ass annoying me.**_

"You know, now that you mention it, Santana's been avoiding me…Puck too."

"No one has said anything about whatever it is."

"Are you really surprised by that?"

"No I guess not, you definitely re-instilled the fear when you took care of those hockey players."

_**Not this again, I said I wouldn't do it again.**_

_**Well, you did really piss her off with that one.**_

"Rach-"

"Yeah, I know, protecting me. I wasn't starting an argument, just stating a fact." They both turned their heads when the others started to file into the room, confused as everyone averted their eyes, their faces coloring slightly while they silently took their seats.

_**Seriously, what's going on here? **_

_**Are they all that embarrassed over last night?**_

_**It can't be that, I mean he announced you were having sex, he didn't bring everyone out and show them or anything. Did he?**_

_**No.**_

"What the hell?" Quinn turned towards Kurt, slightly hurt when he refused to look her in the eye. "Kurt, what's going on?"

"I think you know." She turned towards the sound of Finn's voice, a mixture of confusion and annoyance filling her when he walked directly towards her.

_**Yeah because I generally ask questions I already know the answer to.**_

"No, I don't."

"Don't play stupid. I told you this would happen Rachel, I told you she would do something to turn you into a joke."

_**Me? What the hell did I do?**_

_**I don't know, maybe he still means the argument?**_

_**He's the one that announced it to everyone, not me.**_

"Are you seriously talking to me? What did I say about that last night?"

_**Ha! I love you Rach.**_

"I thought maybe you would see things my way after her little stunt."

_**Seriously, how is having consensual sex a stunt? **_

_**I'm so confused right now.**_

"What are you talking about? What's going on with everyone today?"

"You don't know?"

"No, and someone better start talking."

"It's all over Jacob's blog."

"What is?" Quinn could hear the annoyance in Rachel's voice, and she placed a soothing hand on her leg.

"Your sex tape…the one of you two in your car last night."

_**Oh my god. Did he just say sex tape?**_

_**Yes, yes he did.**_

_**Why do I have the urge to laugh? This is so not funny.**_

_**Because all of this stuff always happens to you, it's like you have a bull's eye painted on your forehead.**_

_**Ok, admittedly life has been a bit crazy lately...**_

_**Besides, what can you do? You'll find whoever did it and make them take it down. In the grand scheme of my life this is not as bad as most things that have happened.**_

_**How are you going to make them take it down? Rachel would never forgive you if you did anything to them.**_

_**I can just pay them. It's not like money is an issue.**_

_**You know what, I'm proud of you for staying so calm.**_

_**What else can I do? I have to prove to Rachel I can be like this, that I can take these things in stride and come up with solutions while being supportive.**_

_**I'm still proud.**_

"What?"

"I told you she'd do this to you…" Quinn shook her head, rubbing the bridge of her nose before she opened her eyes and focused on Finn, brow furrowed.

_**Me? Why would I do it?**_

"Wait, you think I did it? Why the hell would I post a sex video of myself?"

"You can mostly see Rachel from the camera angle, besides who hasn't already seen your breasts?"

_**You really are a son of a bitch aren't you?**_

_**Maintain your calm.**_

"So what? It's still me in it with her, why the hell would I do it? I seem to recall you being the one that followed us outside. You admitted it to the whole damn party."

_**That's a good point.**_

_**Yeah…staying calm is getting harder to do now that he's trying to blame me…clearly an attempt to cause problems for us.**_

_**Well, the breast comment was uncalled for.**_

_**Thank you.**_

"Me? What would I get out of it?"

"I don't know Finn, maybe to get back at me for hitting you or to try and hurt our relationship in some stupid ill conceived plot?"

"Screw you Quinn."

"No thank you, I think the entire student body can attest to the fact that you aren't my type."

"You're the one with a reason to do it."

_**What reason you freak?**_

"You know, I really thought you had reached the pinnacle of your stupidity when you believed my hot tub story, but here you are proving you can be even dumber than I previously assumed. Let me try to explain this with small words so you can actually understand me…I am in the video with her, it's just as bad for me."

"Or it's you playing a prank on her…look at me I can make Rachel do whatever I want, loudly, while I fuck with her head."

"You're just jealous that I make her scream at all, we both know you didn't."

_**Um, you said that out loud.**_

_**Crap, I did. Well, it's true.**_

_**So not helpful in any way, you know Rachel might not appreciate that.**_

"Oh my god, kill me now." They both turned to Rachel as she uttered the comment, her ears bright red while she covered her face with her hands. Quinn tossed him one last dirty look before taking a step towards Rachel, stopping as she heard a yelp and a thud behind her. She turned her head just in time to see Jacob scrambling to his feet, a livid Puck already on top of him trying to shove him towards Quinn.

"I said talk loser!"

"I told you I can't, he'll kill me."

"I'll kill you worse." Puck emphasized his statement by lifting the terrified boy into the air and pulling his fist back threateningly.

"Okay! Okay, it was Finn."

_**Remind me why I can't kill Finn?**_

_**Rachel would so not approve of killing anyone.**_

_**Right.**_

"What? No way, it wasn't me. I didn't tape anything! What the hell Jacob?"

"You asked me to follow Quinn around, to find dirt on her so Rachel would break up with her."

_**You stupid son of a bitch, I knew you were trying to sabotage us.**_

_**What if you hired someone else to kill him?**_

_**No, Rachel would find out. And…it's illegal.**_

_**Damn it.**_

"I didn't tell you to tape them having sex."

"You said get dirt…this is dirt."

"You stupid asshole…" Puck dropped Jacob launching himself at Finn, catching him off guard, resulting in them both slamming into the ground. Everyone seemed frozen, watching as the two boys started wrestling around on the ground, trying to get punches in wherever they could.

_**I should do something.**_

_**Like what? They're both twice your size, you'll get punched in the face.**_

_**Yeah, but Puck is just defending me.**_

_**Yes, but if you stop it, Puck will stop punching Finn in the head…and I'm quite enjoying watching that.**_

_**He is losing this fight rather spectacularly. Ok, since Puck isn't getting hit much, we can just watch, after all you did stay mostly calm, you deserve a reward.**_

"Hey! Hey! Stop that! What is going on in here! Mike, help me!" Mike jumped up, rushing forward to help the teacher pull the boys apart, struggling as they kept trying to get at each other. "If you don't stop right this second, I will see that you are both expelled!"

"He deserves it Mr. Schue! It's my fault that Q has had to deal with so much crap, and he just keeps trying to make things worse for her every god damn day! Why can't you just leave her alone? Don't you see how hurt she's gotten already? Don't you even realize what she's been through? I told you my cousin arrested her father, I told you what he said he did to her, how bad he hurt her. What the hell is wrong with you? If they make each other happy just let them be you stupid asshole, she deserves to be happy for five freakin minutes of her life!" Mr. Schue let him go, surprised by his outburst, watching silently when Puck shoved Jacob out of the way before storming into the hallway. The room was silent, everyone still looking at the doorway, simultaneously turning when Quinn spoke up.

_**I can't believe he knows about that.**_

_**Does everyone know? That's just goddamn fantastic.**_

_**Don't freak out. Stay calm. Breathe. You need to just stay calm. Breathe in, and out. This moment will pass, and everything will be ok…they clearly have known for a while and no one has used it against you.**_

_**Yeah but it makes the fact that people knew that and still tormented me is kind of fucked up.**_

_**You know, Puck never said anything about it, he's just been protecting you. He really can be a good guy.**_

_**I should talk to him, let him know everything wasn't his fault, that I forgive him.**_

_**First things first, we have got to get that video down.**_

_**Oh, right…how did I forget about that?**_

_**Finn was getting his face bashed in.**_

_**Right, that was distracting.**_

"How much will it take for you to get rid of the video?"

"What?" Jacob looked surprised that she was talking to him, clearly expecting worse from the head cheerleader.

"I want it taken down, so how much do I have to pay you for that to happen?"

"Quinn, what are you doing?" Quinn sighed when Rachel appeared beside her, brow furrowed in confusion. "You're going to just pay him off?"

"What else am I supposed to do Rachel? I highly doubt he'll take it down without proper motivation and money tends to motivate."

"You think money is the answer? Is that how it's going to be now? Just throw money at all your problems?"

_**Is she serious right now?**_

_**I'm not allowed to retaliate or pay him off? What the hell else can I do? This is getting ridiculous now.**_

_**It's not like saying please will do anything, and she can't expect me to do nothing. If Leroy sees it…**_

"What would you have me do instead?"

"Sue him! It's illegal! You can't just do things like this, there are laws. It's defamation of character, and-"

"Rach, if we sue him don't you think the video will get even more publicity? There's a chance that your fathers haven't seen it yet, don't you want it down before that happens? What do you think Leroy will do if he sees it? Do you want a repeat of New York, because I don't." Rachel's mouth snapped shut, anger filling her features before melting into resignation.

"You are seriously dodging a bullet here you little mouth breather." She pointed her finger angrily at Jacob before stalking over to retrieve her bag before storming out of the room. Quinn sighed and rolled her eyes slightly before placing her hands on her hips and staring down at the terrified boy before her, making sure her iciest head bitch look was on her face.

_**I'm going to have to deal with that later. She's going to be pissed for hours, if not days.**_

_**You'll calm her down, you always do. Besides, she'll eventually realize that you stayed calm, had no freak outs, and handled everything rather well.**_

"How much…and I think I should tell you now, that this includes the price to keep you from following us around in the future…not to mention, you _will_ stop stalking my girlfriend." She intensified her most menacing glare as the boy shifted nervously before her, clearly unconvinced that she would not be issuing retaliation against him.

"Um…a thousand?"

_**That's it? I expected a lot more, that was easy. I didn't even have to negotiate the amount.**_

"Fine. Done. If it comes down within the next ten minutes, you'll have your money tomorrow. If not, I _will_ go through with the lawsuit that Rachel was suggesting. Do we understand each other?"

"You're really going to give me the money?"

"As long as the video never sees the light of day again, and you stop stalking Rachel…yes."

"Done."

"Get out of my sight then."

Mr. Schue was quick to dismiss the rest of the meeting, soon realizing he would not be able to get the attention of the students after everything that had recently occurred. Quinn remained silent, staring at the wall behind the piano, ignoring the teacher that babbled in the front of the room.

"Quinn? Are you ok?" She turned and looked up at Kurt, crossing her arms and shifting her gaze back and forth between the friends that stood awkwardly around her.

"You know what? It's really fucked up that you all saw the video and avoided me all day instead of just telling me what was going on."

"Come on Q, that shit was explicit."

"Do you know how many times I've seen you be 'explicit' with B Santana? I would never let you walk around all day like an idiot not knowing your privacy had been invaded like that. You should have told us." She turned and walked out of the room, before she could say anything out of anger that she might regret later. She was mildly surprised to find Rachel's car sitting by the doors, clearly waiting for Quinn to leave the building. She slid silently into the passenger seat, suddenly calm as she looked at Rachel's rigid profile.

"What are you going to do to Finn?"

_**I told her I would stop doing stuff like that, why didn't she believe me?**_

_**Um, your track record.**_

_**Does she still not trust me? I mean come on, did I not just display control in a rather intense situation.**_

"Nothing."

"You can't be serious."

"Rachel, you made it beyond clear that I was to seek vengeance on no one."

"And I appreciate your determination to stand by your word, however, we can't just do nothing while he stupidly plots his next move."

_**Wait, so now she wants me to do something?**_

_**I think my head hurts.**_

_**I'm so confused, is this a test?**_

"Ok, what would you like me to do?"

"I don't know. I guess I could get a restraining order. Maybe you could look into some private security? You know, one of those guys that discreetly keeps an eye on us from afar, making sure nothing like this happens again."

_**Oh, ok, that kind of 'do something'. **_

_**Well that makes more sense, it's much more Rachel than what I thought she was asking me to do.**_

_**But…private security, that seems a little extreme, isn't that for like celebrities and politicians.**_

"I guess I could do that, if you want me to."

"Well don't you think it's better than the alternative? Why are you so calm about all of this?"

"I guess…with everything that's happened this year, I just keep expecting something new and horrifying to be around every corner. Besides, didn't you ask me to learn to stay calm in these situations?"

"If that's how you look at our relationship, why would you still want to be in it?"

_**That's not really how I meant that. **_

_**Well you did phrase it rather badly.**_

_**Thank you, gone back to being less than helpful again have we?**_

"We'll be out of Lima soon, a few months from now, none of this will matter. We'll be in our apartment in New York, starting our lives for real, and things will be different." Rachel turned, finally meeting her gaze, her features softening as she did so.

"You really believe all of this has just been Lima?"

_**Lima, your father, Finn, not to mention my past. None of that will be in New York.**_

_**If Finn follows us to New York I will seriously have to consider having him killed.**_

_**Hey, what did I say about killing people?**_

_**No, if he follows us I demand to have options.**_

_**Death to Finn is not an appropriate option.**_

_**Why not?**_

_**Seriously? You actually have to ask that?**_

_**Fine, but severe retaliation is back on the table if he follows us.**_

"Yes. I do. A lot of it has been because of Finn specifically, once we're away from here…we'll have a chance to relax and just be in love Rach. No bullies, no Finn, no Leroy, no real problems…"

_**Just us.**_

_**I can't wait for that.**_

_**How far away is graduation?**_

_**Too damn far.**_

_**Maybe we should furnish the place over spring break so we can move in right after we get our diplomas. **_

_**What, like, thanks for the diploma now get in the car Rachel?**_

_**Yes.**_

_**That's a bit extreme.**_

_**Not really.**_

_**You're ridiculous sometimes.**_

"Don't you see any of this biting us in the proverbial asses down the road?"

"I guess so, but by then what's a few indiscretions in the grand scheme of a long term relationship?"

"You really see us lasting don't you?"

"You don't?"

_**If she says no…**_

"I didn't say that, I just…you freak out and push me away so much…"

_**You have got to stop doing that.**_

_**Hey, I handled this situation calmly and rationally, and I didn't push her away even a little.**_

_**Okay, point taken.**_

"That doesn't mean I don't have my moments of clarity. I love you Rach...if we work at it we'll make it, we have so far, and our lives have been practically soap opera worthy." Rachel surprised her when she giggled in response, turning her head to capture Quinn's lips, frowning slightly as Quinn pulled back before glancing nervously around them.

_**Um…**_

_**What now?**_

_**I don't think I should kiss her in the car right now.**_

_**Crap, they totally ruined cars for me. The car sex was hot too.**_

"What?"

"I'm more than a little nervous about cars and physical contact right now." Rachel giggled again, blushing slightly.

"That's a fairly good point. I should get home anyway, I'm supposed to have dinner with my father."

"Right, I forgot about that."

"Thank you Quinn."

"For what?"

"You were really great in there. I do appreciate how hard it must have been for you to stay calm. Considering your new car phobia, I'll have to show you how much I appreciate the effort tomorrow." She shot Quinn a heated look, choosing a smile that she only ever used when they were alone and mostly in the bedroom, before teasingly blowing her a kiss.

_**Ok…maybe they just ruined cars a little…I mean I bet when we're not in Lima, like on the road trip to New York, there could be potential for really secluded places along the way.**_

_**Do you not learn?**_

_**What? Seriously, if anyone follows us that far to film it, they deserve the damn video. **_

Quinn was just getting out of the shower when she heard a sound at her door. She wrapped her towel around herself and flicked the lock before pulling it open, revealing Rachel, her own key lifted while she attempted to unlock the door. Quinn opened her mouth to question her, stopping as she took in the tears slipping out of the smaller girls' eyes, and the suitcase on the ground beside her.

"Rachel, are you ok? What happened?" She immediately pulled her into a hug, letting the girl bury her face in her chest while she hooked her foot through the handle of the bag to slide it in before closing the door. "It's ok baby. Whatever it is, we'll work it out."

She pulled Rachel towards the couch, sitting her gently down and wrapping her arms further around her, while she ran soothing fingers through the long dark hair that fell around her face. It seemed obvious to Quinn that something had happened with Rachel's fathers but she didn't want to force her to talk about it until she was ready, no matter how strong the urge to fix the problem that had her girlfriend so upset was.

It took almost an hour for Rachel to calm enough for Quinn to gently lead her to the bedroom and hand her some pajamas and a glass of water. Quinn had dutifully remained by her side, and now took the time to pull some clothes on before she settled back down beside her at the edge of the bed.

"Do you want to just get some sleep and talk in the morning, or did you want to tell me what's going on? I don't want to upset you more than you already are."

"I left."

"I can see that. What happened?"

"He saw the video."

_**Of course he did. Why would I expect any different in my world.**_

"Oh god, Rach, I'm so sorry." She moved closer, pulling Rachel back into her arms, running a soothing hand back and forth across her back.

"He asked me to choose. He said I couldn't live under his roof as long as we were together….so I left."

_**Why is Leroy so stupid? He couldn't have expected her to choose me, although why she would choose him after his behavior…**_

_**Well, he probably meant it to try and scare her into ending things with you, I doubt he'll stay angry forever, it's not like he hasn't seen you having sex before.**_

_**She shouldn't choose me, recent behavior aside, they're her family.**_

_**That is so not helpful right now.**_

"Baby…I don't-"

"Please don't say anything about coming between us again."

Quinn placed a gentle kiss on her forehead before pulling back slightly and smiling. "I actually wasn't going to say that."

"Oh."

"I was going to say…I don't think he'll stay angry forever, I think he'll calm down and you'll be able to go back home."

Rachel pulled back, standing and starting to pace. "I don't want to go back Quinn."

_**See, this is what I didn't want to have happen. I didn't want him to push her far enough that she would give up the desire to fix their family.**_

_**Why does everyone always have to push at her all the time? Why do they expect threats to work with her? Between Leroy and Finn, all she ever seems to get is threatened lately.**_

"Rach…you can't mean that."

"Look, if you don't want me to stay here I can-"

_**How did she get that? How am I screwing this up?**_

_**She's reacting to how you would have acted if you actually weren't trying so hard for her.**_

_**Right, damn it how long is it going to take before she trusts me again?**_

"No, that's not what I was saying. Of course you can stay with me, I've been counting down the days until we move in together in New York…I just don't want to see your family fall this far apart. I know what it's like not to have your parents Rach…I know what it's like to be alone."

…_**I know what it's like not to want them in your life ever again.**_

"You don't realize how bad things have gotten. It's been unbearable there, he's become so different, he's either begging me to fix things or he barely speaks to me, and they fight constantly. It's just so horrible to hear them yelling like that all the time."

"I'm sorry…I know what that's like. I know how it feels to hear that, how you would rather be anywhere but there. How you want nothing more than to stop it and never have to hear it for as long as you live, how you don't understand how anyone can even talk to another person like that."

"They've always been so happy. I don't understand what happened, until last year I'd never even heard my daddy raise his voice like that."

"Was Hiram home when all of this happened?"

"No."

"Maybe you should call him."

"I did. He was in surgery, I left him a message."

"Are you sure you don't want to try to fix this with Leroy?"

_**Once you end this, there's no turning back. This is a pretty big bridge to burn, believe me, I know.**_

"I really don't know him anymore. He's getting further and further from who I thought he was. Did you know that he's been drinking a lot lately? I heard them arguing about it the other night. He's become such a stranger and I don't want to be around him anymore."

"That's kind of a big decision to make while you're so upset, baby."

_**A decision you might never be able to take back.**_

"It's not something I'm deciding now, I've been distancing from him more and more…and I wasn't going to really talk to him after we left Lima. I just can't be there anymore. I can't pretend everything is the way it was before. He can't do anything about me leaving…"

"Well, he can follow you. He can send Hiram to convince you to come back."

"I don't think he will. I think Daddy will be relieved that I'm not exposed to it anymore. I really do."

"Rach, there is no way Hiram will be happy that you aren't living there anymore."

"I didn't mean it like that. I just don't think he wants… Leroy around me, either."

_**That's not a good sign. **_

"You just called him Leroy."

"Nothing else seems to fit anymore."

"Baby, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do."

"Hold me?"

"Of course." She stood and pulled the blankets back, gesturing for Rachel to climb into the bed, following immediately after her. She wrapped her arms around her, resting her cheek against the top of her head as Rachel buried her face in Quinn's neck. She could feel the twist in her stomach as she thought about what this night would mean for Rachel, how her life was about to change. She wondered if Rachel knew exactly what this would mean for her, what she was getting herself into by turning away from him.

Quinn had never really had the option to fix things between herself and her family. The day he put his hands on her he had made that decision for her. She didn't want her family back, and yet she still felt the isolated emptiness that settled in her chest from time to time, when she thought about the fact that she was mostly alone in the world…that her actual familial connection to anyone had been irreparably severed forever. She didn't want Rachel to end up in the same situation if things could ever be repaired. Granted, Rachel had Hiram, but the emotional strain of losing her relationship with Leroy would still effect her forever.

She wondered, not for the first time, what exactly could possibly have happened that made the man Rachel had once spoken so fondly of become so cold and angry. Rachel's breathing was beginning to slow into the soft pattern of sleep, and Quinn slid the blankets up around them, settling for studying the faint patterns of paint on the ceiling as if they might hold the answers in their creamy swirls. She absently traced small circles against the soft skin of Rachel's arm, her eyes beginning to feel heavy while she began to relax in the comfort of the familiar body that pressed warmly against her own.

Quinn didn't even realize she was drifting off to sleep until she was awakened by a soft, but persistent, knocking at her door. She glanced quickly at the clock that glowed beside her head, before sliding carefully out from underneath her very unconscious girlfriend. She often found herself amazed by Rachel's ability to sleep through almost anything, occasionally convinced that even a small herd of elephants would fail to wake the girl up were they to suddenly, and magically, stampede through the room she slept in. She yawned and blinked, trying to clear her rather stubbornly sleepy eyes, as she unlocked the door before pulling it open to reveal a rather haggard looking Hiram.

"Hi. Can I come in?"

"Of course." She swung the door further open, stepping to the side, stifling another yawn while she gestured towards the overstuffed couch that beckoned from across the room. She followed him, settling into the equally fluffy chair beside the couch, while they both awkwardly stared at the coffee table for several silent seconds.

"I take it she's asleep?"

"Yeah, she passed out after she was able to calm down and tell me what happened."

"I'm sorry you were dragged into our problems."

_**Isn't that my line?**_

"I thought I was the one that caused a lot of them. I highly doubt anything she could have done on her own would have warranted the reactions I seem to pull out of him."

Hiram sighed heavily, rubbing his eyes, before dropping his hands back to his lap and returning his gaze to some unfocused point on the coffee table. "It's not you, not really. He has some issues that he's been struggling with. Some of them have to do with the profession you were briefly involved in."

_**What is it with people and strippers?**_

_**It's not like you wanted to strip.**_

_**That doesn't seem to matter.**_

"Well, I didn't have much of a choice at the time. I don' think he ever really thought of it that way though."

"He hasn't been able to think rationally in a long time Quinn. That's not your fault."

"His responses may not be my fault, but I must not have been making things easy for you lately. I assume he either told you about the video, or you saw it for yourself."

"I didn't see it, but I'm aware of it."

_**Well, that's a minor relief.**_

_**Maybe your luck is improving.**_

_**You can't be serious.**_

_**What? It could have been worse, he could have watched it.**_

_**I guess you have a small point.**_

"I'm sorry, I obviously never intended for a lot of things to happen the way they have. I took care of it though, it's no longer posted."

"I assumed you would."

_**Really? Where did that faith in me come from?**_

_**Come on, Hiram likes you.**_

_**Yeah, but…**_

"Really?"

"Don't sound so surprised Quinn, I know you would do anything to protect Rachel. I think I've made it quite clear that I don't agree with Leroy." He paused, glancing towards the bedroom door, then turned back to catch Quinn's eye for the first time. He was quiet for several seconds, as if trying to decide if he was going to continue his train of thought or not.

"You don't have to—"

"He slapped her tonight."

_**I'll kill him.**_

_**Slowly.**_

_**What? No argument about not killing people?**_

_**No one fucking touches Rachel.**_

_**Okay, wait, calm down. This is probably why she didn't tell you he hit her.**_

"What?"

"I told him to get out. I don't expect her to come back home. I don't necessarily think she should. I think it might be best for her to have some distance from everything Leroy related for a while. I was hoping that he would keep himself together until you two were safely in New York, but…his breakdown has been coming for a while. She should hate me for letting him stay as long as I did."

Quinn could see the despair in the man's eyes, and half of her actually wanted to reassure him, the other half of her was stifling anger at him for knowing Leroy was deteriorating and allowing Rachel to witness it.

"I don't think she could ever hate you Hiram, she knows that you've always been on her side."

"I should have told her what was going on with him, but I didn't know how. I didn't want to destroy the image she had of more than one of the men in her life."

_**Um…what?**_

_**I don't know, does he mean Leroy and himself?**_

"I'm not trying to pry, but I really don't know what you mean by that." She watched curiously as several different emotions passed through Hiram's eyes, before he finally just looked tired and as confused as she felt.

"I don't know if you knew this, but Rachel's grandfather died last year…Leroy's father. I let her think that it was his death that effected Leroy so much, but I should have told her the truth. I was trying to protect her memory of her grandfather, she adored him so much. I never should have let things get this far, I should have told her, and together we should have made Leroy get the help he needed."

_**This has the potential to be really bad...**_

_**Are you sure you want to know this before Rachel does?**_

_**I don't even know what 'it' is to be able to answer that.**_

"Do you want me to go wake her up?"

"No, let her sleep. She needs it. The Will brought up some…interesting information. It seems that Leroy's father had more than one family. Leroy and his mother thought he was away on business a lot of his life, when really he had a woman in another state that he had a child with."

_**I get it now.**_

"And she was a stripper."

"I guess you saw that coming."

"It was kind of hard not to."

"Things haven't been going well since he found out. They degraded even further when she showed up to collect her inheritance, which was the majority of everything his father had. He started drinking. He also started to view everything differently, and we began fighting all the time. He even started to accuse me of flirting with other people constantly, and went as far as to get into a physical altercation with a coworker of mine after he accused me of cheating on him. He just started to see things that weren't there. It's turned him into a completely different person, he doesn't seem to know how to curb the anger…and he doesn't know who to blame, so he's blaming everyone."

_**Damn it, I really don't want to feel bad for Leroy..**_

_**But you kind of do.**_

_**Yeah.**_

_**Well just remind yourself that he slapped her tonight, and I'm sure you won't have that problem anymore.**_

_**Poor Hiram.. To have to watch that, I don't think I could watch Rachel fall apart like that and not break too.**_

_**Does Hiram look like he's not broken to you?**_

_**I think that's my point. How has he stayed so strong for Rachel?**_

_**He had to. The same way you're changing for her, he worked on staying the same for her. **_

"I'm sorry Hiram, it must have been hard for you to deal with all of that."

"He was really wonderful once, I guess I kept expecting him to find a way to snap out of it, or work through it or something. I just find it so hard to believe that he's this person now."

"Maybe you should tell Rachel this…I mean, she might feel differently if she knew."

"She will. She's way too forgiving, and entirely too caring to walk away from him if she knew. That's why I'm not sure I should tell her. He's already hurt her so much with his behavior, and he's just pushed her so far already…I'm afraid she'll want to be there for him…it's not good for her. She always puts others before herself, even to her own detriment."

_**Like me.**_

_**Don't start that now, she doesn't need you to be all self sacrificial right now.**_

_**I know. **_

_**You put her first too, you wouldn't be trying so hard if you didn't.**_

_**She deserves it. She's amazing, and so few people realize it. I want to fix this.**_

_**You can't.**_

_**I know. That's what makes it so hard.**_

"It's part of what makes her so amazing."

"It's also part of what makes her more fragile than she realizes…I know that most of the time she's all strength and pure iron will…but I also know these things get to her more than she lets on." He suddenly yawned and blinked, his eyes refocusing, seeming to realize who he was talking to. "I'm sorry Quinn, I shouldn't be dropping all of this on you. I just…you really seem to get her, and I know how much you love her. You're the only person I can talk to about her these days."

_**He's asking you what he should do.**_

_**I know. What do I tell him? What he wants to hear? Or what I really think?**_

_**I think you should tell him the truth. It's better for Rachel.**_

"I think you should tell Rachel. I think she might surprise you. She's definitely the most kind and forgiving person I've ever met, believe me, I know that first hand. But, she does have her limits, and she's learned that a lot in the past year. I don't think she'll react the way you're expecting her to. She's not who she used to be anymore, and unfortunately I'm partially to blame for that."

"You're way too hard on yourself sometimes Quinn."

"Rachel tells me that all the time."

"I'm sure she does."

"You can't keep this from her anymore Hiram. If she were to find out some other way…like from Leroy himself, it would hurt her more than you realize that you didn't tell her yourself."

"You're right. I know you're right. That doesn't make it any easier."

"Well, it's not exactly an easy situation."

"Do you mind if I sleep on your couch tonight? I don't really want to go back to the house tonight."

"You're always welcome to stay here, but you don't have to stay on the couch, there's actually a second bedroom. I think Rachel will be thrilled to see you when she wakes up." She moved towards the hall closet, reaching up to pull down an extra blanket. "Just in case you get cold."

"Thanks Quinn. I'm really glad she's with you, you know." She paused mid step, touched by his admission.

"That's not exactly something I ever expected to hear."

"You make her happy, that's important to me."

"That's all I really want, to make her happy." She smiled, handing him the blanket. "The bedroom is the door at the end of the hall, the bathroom is right next to it. Make yourself at home."

"Thanks Quinn." He tentatively leaned towards her, watching her cautiously as he hugged her as gently as possible. "Good night."

"Good night Hiram." She smiled before quietly slipping into the room she now shared with Rachel, smiling when her sleeping girlfriend snuggled into her arms when she settled into the bed.

_**She might be able to sleep through anything, but she always manages to hold you close, even in her sleep.**_

_**Now that's love.**_

_**Yeah. It really is.**_

Quinn awoke to the sound of muffled voices. She yawned, stretching her arm out in search of Rachel, her eyes opening when she felt cold empty sheets beside her. She lifted her head, confirming that she was alone in the room before standing up and moving to the door. Rachel was pacing in front of the coffee table, her father watching her guiltily from the couch, his body language displaying his level of discomfort.

"How could you keep this from me?"

_**He didn't wait very long to tell her.**_

"I was trying to protect you Rachel."

_**She's not going to respond well to that.**_

"Why does everyone think I need to be protected all the time? I don't understand why everyone thinks I'm so fragile."

"It's what you do when you love someone. It has nothing to do with what you can handle."

"I don't believe that for a second. I think you didn't tell me because you thought I couldn't handle it."

"Rachel-"

"Stop protecting me, just tell me the truth."

"Fine. The truth is I didn't want you to hate your grandfather. You were so close with him and I didn't want to ruin the image you had of him."

"So you'd prefer that I remember a lie?"

"I guess I wasn't really thinking about it like that."

"You realize that if I had known the truth I would have handled the last year of my life completely differently."

"It wouldn't have fixed him Rachel. Your father still would have fallen apart, even if you'd known."

"I can think of so many things that I would have done differently. I could have prevented him from hurting Quinn. You realize that, right?"

_**Why can't she accept that it wasn't her fault? **_

_**Can you accept that the car accident wasn't your fault?**_

_**That's so not the same thing.**_

_**I think that proves my point.**_

"He never would have approved of her Rachel. You knowing the truth wouldn't have changed that."

"Actually, it would have."

"How? Would you have kept her a secret from him?"

She paused, her eyes dropping to the floor, her voice softening slightly. "I probably would have waited longer to tell him."

_**Why does that sting?**_

_**She's not ashamed of you, don't you dare start.**_

"So he could find it out from someone else?"

"I just would have handled it differently, okay?"

"Well we can't change it now."

"You're not supposed to lie to me about things. You expect me to be open and honest with you, to tell you everything that's going on in my life and you've been lying to me the whole time. This is a really big deal. I've been thinking it was my fault that he was changing so much. That I messed things up and turned him into someone else."

"I'm sorry baby girl, that wasn't my intention."

"I don't even know what to do with this right now. I think I need some time to think about all of this."

"I don't want this to change anything for you."

"How could this not change things?"

"Why should it? It doesn't change who he's become, you can't expect things to be better just because you know the truth."

"Better? Wait, you think I'm going to forgive him over this? That's what you're worried about?"

"Well…yes. You've shown an incredible capacity for forgiveness Rachel, just look at who you're dating. Don't get me wrong, I think Quinn's fantastic, but if you hadn't forgiven her for things that most people never would…you wouldn't be with her."

_**She shouldn't have forgiven me. I still can't understand how she did.**_

"You can't be serious…the two situations are nothing alike. He found out his father lied to him, he wasn't horrifically beaten and almost raped by him. He hasn't been through half of what she has, and she came out a better person for it, so what exactly is his excuse?"

_**Breathe Quinn. **_

_**I've never heard it said out loud like that before…**_

_**It's okay, you're okay.**_

_**Am I? Will I ever really be okay again?**_

"I'm not trying to make excuses for him. I don't want you to forgive him. I don't think you should be around him right now."

"Why tell me at all then? You waited this long. If you aren't trying to excuse his behavior, then why would you suddenly come clean?"

"You deserved to know why he hates Quinn so much, why he did the things he did in New York."

"You didn't tell me when it happened, what changed?"

"Actually, Quinn convinced me to tell you. She felt you had a right to know."

"What?"

"When I got here last night I was upset, I felt responsible for letting things go as far as they did. I may have just poured my heart out to her…I can't talk to Leroy anymore and she's a surprisingly good listener…I know I shouldn't have chosen her as my confidant but we talked and she convinced me to tell you the truth."

"So you weren't going to tell me at all then?"

"I'm not sure."

"I need to think about this, can you please just give me some time."

"You want me to leave?" She nodded almost imperceptibly before nervously darting her eyes back and forth between her father and the floor, her hand reaching up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

_**Don't push him away Rach, he was trying to do what he thought was best for you.**_

_**She has a right to be angry, you are.**_

_**He never should have let her stay in a potentially dangerous situation.**_

_**I don't think he thought about the possibility of Leroy ever really hurting her.**_

_**Yeah because it's so healthy for her to watch them fight, to see him physically attack her girlfriend…to ultimately get slapped across the face after months of emotional torture from him.**_

_**Ok, fair point, but he was going through it too…that couldn't have been easy for him, and he loves her he never would have let her stay there if he realized what was really going on.**_

_**I don't know. **_

She turned away from the living room, quietly shutting the bedroom door behind her before she pulled her cheerios uniform out of the closet. She was debating skipping practice when a pair of arms wrapped around her from behind. She smiled, intertwining her fingers with the smaller ones that rested against her stomach, closing her eyes as she felt lips against her still bare shoulders.

"Are you okay?"

"I take it you heard our conversation?"

"Most of it…I'm sorry Rach."

"Me too."

"Do you want me to stay home?" She turned in Rachel's arms, kissing her gently.

"No, there's no reason for you to have to deal with Sue Sylvester's wrath just because I'm having a bad day."

"I don't care about Sue. If you want me to skip it I will."

"Go to practice, we'll do something when you get home. It'll give me time to think about things."

"Don't be too mad at Hiram, he thought he was doing what was best for you."

"Yeah there's a lot of that going around. I don't want to think about it right now. I want to think about anything else. I need time with all of it." She leaned up onto her tiptoes, wrapping her arms around Quinn's neck and kissing her quickly but passionately, before pulling back to smile sexily at her. "Go, the sooner you go the sooner you can get back and cheer me up with something distracting." Her smile grew when Quinn arched an eyebrow in response.

"Now I really want to stay home." She laughed as Rachel giggled at her and pulled back, playfully shoving her towards the door, swatting her on the ass as she went.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Coach Sylvester spent the first forty five minutes of the practice screaming at Quinn and Brittany, deeming the performance sub-par, demanding that they work harder to combine Brittany's choreography and Quinn's old routines from the club. Quinn found herself quickly losing patience with the Coach's refusal to keep it on the mild side. She knew that at this rate Rachel would be furious when she saw the performance at the competition. She knew there was no way she would ever convince her girlfriend to miss the event, considering Rachel's usual attitude she'd be lucky if the girl didn't show up with a team Fabray t-shirt and a video camera like she used to do for Finn's football games.

The Coach finally appeared as pleased as she ever did with their progress when the practice began to wind down, opting to only hurl insults at them every few minutes instead of the constant barrage they had received steadily for the two and a half hours they'd been running the routine. Quinn was actually beginning to relax into the steps, finding herself able to let her mind wander as the younger girls tried to keep up when she noticed someone sitting in the bleachers watching them. She lifted a hand to shade her face from the sun, focusing on the small form that sat rigidly off towards the side.

_**Fuck. That's Rachel.**_

_**What's she doing here? She was supposed to be at home.**_

_**This isn't going to go well.**_

_**No, no it's not.**_

She swallowed thickly, still staring at Rachel, her breathing becoming slightly shallow while she blindly followed the steps that were suddenly vaguely jumbled in her head. She didn't notice that she was slightly out of step with the rest of the squad until she was suddenly twisting her ankle, ending up flat on her back, the wind knocked out of her when one of the girls fell on top of her.

She silently cursed herself while Santana helped her up, barely hearing the Coach as she screamed at her, earning a hard shove from the older woman as she sent her off to the side to run suicides for the last fifteen minutes of the practice. She kept her eyes on the ground in front of her while she attempted to focus on the punishment, refusing to look up into the stands again. By the time they were dismissed she was breathing heavily, her side throbbing in protest against the intensity she had used to try and distract herself. She continued to keep her gaze on the ground before her while she picked up her bag and walked slowly towards the bleachers. She was bent forward, pulling her water bottle out of her bag when a shadow fell across her.

"What the hell was that?" She finally looked up into flashing brown eyes, slowly straightening back up to face the argument she knew was coming.

_**Crap, crap, crap!**_

"What are you doing here, Rach?"

"You're not seriously going to do that routine at nationals, are you?"

_**Yeah, because I can just go up to Sue and say, 'hey my girlfriend is the jealous possessive type, so let's tone this down so she's happy'.**_

"I don't really have a choice." She picked up her duffle bag, turning to walk towards the car, knowing Rachel would be right behind her.

"You can't do that in front of all those people."

"Excuse me?" She stopped walking, turning to face her, anger edging through her. "What exactly do you mean I _can't_?"

_**Is she actually trying to tell me what to do as if she can just control me?**_

"I mean there's no way you're dancing like that-"

"Are you seriously telling me what I can and can't do right now? How do you think that conversation is going to…you know what, no…I'm not going to have this_discussion_ right now, you're angry and it's not at me and I think you should drop it until you're more calm."

_**Stay calm, she just lost her father and found out the other one was lying to her.**_

_**I know, I'm trying.**_

"Don't you dare try to blame this on me, that dance is completely inappropriate."

"Have you ever actually watched a cheerleading competition, it's a bunch of half naked girls using their sex appeal to win favor with the judges, with gymnastics thrown in."

"Well, I don't want you to be a part of it."

"It's a little late for that, Rachel. Besides, this is nothing compared to what I used to do at the club."

"I want you to quit."

"I can't do that."

"Either quit or-"

_**Um, did she just threaten me?**_

_**Calm.**_

_**No, fuck that. How dare she think she can threaten me, I will NOT be controlled like this.**_

"Or what?" She could feel her eyes blazing back into the furious brown gaze that was locked on her, her body tense to the point of discomfort.

"You told me you never wanted to feel the way you did on that stage again, and now here you are dancing around like a-"

_**If you call me a whore you'll regret it more than anything you ever have in your entire life.**_

_**Quinn… you love this girl.**_

_**She's pushing me too far, I will not be threatened, and I will not be called a whore.**_

"Like a what, Rachel? Go ahead, finish that sentence..." She took a step towards the smaller girl, legs beginning to tremble in response to the emotion coursing through her.

Rachel opened her mouth, then closed it, her voice tense and controlled when she finally responded. "Why is this routine even this… racy?"

"Because Sue wants to win."

"She's never done anything like that before."

"Yeah, well, this time she knows _this _will win."

"Why?"

"What's the difference?"

"Something's clearly different, what is it?"

"She's competitive, Rachel, you know that."

"Why are you avoiding the question?"

"ME! Okay? I'm what's different."

"You wanted to make the routine like… that?"

"No. Of course I don't want this."

"Then why—"

"Because of who's going to see it, okay! One of the judges was a regular at the club, and Sue knows it. She always knows things no one should ever know, and she's aiming the routine at him. This is all because of me."

"What? You can't be serious."

"She thinks that if he recognizes me and part of what I used to do on stage is worked into it, then we'll win."

"That doesn't even make sense. Wouldn't he be embarrassed that you…" She trailed off and averted her gaze.

"What, Rachel? Go ahead, tell me exactly what you think about why he should be embarrassed that he used to come to the club, that he was one of my regulars."

"I don't want you to do it."

"Yeah, well, there's a lot of things in life we don't want to do, that doesn't mean we don't have to." She turned, her anger intensifying when Rachel caught her arm and turned her back.

"_That man_ is a judge, a man who's seen you naked, who you've touched while you were…like that…and now…now you're going to perform that show for him and I'm just supposed to be okay with it? You might as well just have a pole in the middle of the field…or is Sylvester just waiting for nationals to have one installed?" Quinn turned away from her, intent on walking away when she heard Rachel's angry voice following her. "Has Sue arranged for you to completely sell yourself for her trophy, will you be slipping into the green room to give a private strip tease for all for all of the judges as well, or just the one who's your biggest fan?"

"Go to hell, Rachel." She turned and sprinted off the field, refusing to stop until she was as far away from the girl as she could possibly get, barely even pausing to unlock her car and drive away.

Quinn expected to calm down as she drove aimlessly around Lima, assuming the pain that knotted itself firmly in her stomach would lessen if she just gave it some time. It wasn't until she actually pulled up to her apartment and climbed out of the car that she finally started to reign in her emotions, managing to bring them down to a low simmer. She felt her back tense when she saw Rachel's car pull up behind hers, opting to continue walking towards the apartment without acknowledging her even as she called out her name.

She was splashing cool water on her face when the front door slammed shut, her name echoing loudly through the apartment, Rachel's voice vaguely raw, she assumed from crying. She took a deep breath, toweling her face dry, before walking back into the living room. Rachel was still standing by the door, her arms crossed while she watched Quinn walk back into the room.

"Where have you been? I've been circling the block for two hours waiting for you."

"I needed some time."

"You can't do this, Quinn, I'm the only one that's supposed to get to see that side of you."

"In case you forgot, I'm doing this for you."

"What exactly did you mean before when you said this was nothing compared to what you did at the club?"

"What?"

"That…_dancing_…you're doing for nationals…to me it, well, it's what I pictured your routines to be like at the club. So what did you mean?"

"Seriously? You think stripping is that mild?"

"_That's_ mild!"

"Rachel, it's for a nationally televised cheerleading competition, how much do you think Sue could actually get away with…most of the girls on the squad aren't even seventeen, it's considered a family event. The routine she's having us do is more provocative than most but it's still pretty tame. You're completely blowing it up in your head, it's really not as bad as you think."

"I can't believe you could possibly describe that as tame."

"Rachel, do you have any idea what goes on in a strip club?"

"You take your clothes off to music."

"I can't believe it didn't even occur to me that you had no idea what it's like in a strip club. I asked you if you could handle my past without even realizing you didn't really understand what it was, of course you've never been to a strip club."

"Why would I ever have been in a strip club?"

"You wouldn't, but there's movies, there's the internet…I just assumed you had a better idea."

"Well, excuse me for respecting women too much to treat them like…"

"Like what, Rachel? Whores? Say it. Say you think I was a whore because I stripped."

"I… I didn't say that."

"No, but you were thinking it….Oh my god, I was so stupid for thinking this could work."

"What does that mean?"

"Let me paint the picture for you so that you hear it from me instead of the internet or a club that you investigate…"

"Hear what from you?"

"The reason you'll never ever be able to look at me the way you used to again."

"That's not-"

"You saw the pictures, Rachel, but it never occurred to you what was actually happening in them, did it?"

"I could see what was—"

"Allow me to shatter your little innocent illusion. You slip out from behind that curtain and you _fuck_ your audience from a platform…every part of you is exposed and raw while you imitate sex with a pole, or the floor, or the air at the very edge of the stage with some stranger's head between your knees. You smile seductively while rough hands slide up your thighs to place money in your g-string, lingering as long as they think they can get away with. You touch yourself as if it were someone else's hands on your body, so they-"

"Stop it, Quinn." Rachel pushed past her towards the bedroom, and she followed grabbing her arm and turning her back to face her.

"…So they can imagine it's their hands on you. Then, when they like how _hard_ you've made them, they ask for a lap dance. So you flirt and smile and take their hand while you guide them to a room where they can feel like fake intimacy is real. You start the dance all over again, this time close enough to be able to touch them, which is exactly what you're expected to do. You taunt, you tease, and you slide against them. You reveal yourself to them before-"

"Please, I don't want to hear any more." She turned away, and Quinn moved forward, clasping the smaller girl's wrists loosely in her hands so she couldn't walk away.

"You bare yourself to them… hoping they'll slide fifties and hundreds down your exposed flesh instead of the smaller bills you get on the stage. You straddle them, often pushing your breasts right into their faces, then grind down to the music until they cum in their pants right there with you touching them…they make you feel used and dirty, then they treat you like you're the one that was looking for the sexual gratification, flinging money at you before glancing at you like used garbage and going back to their lives."

"Why are you doing this?"

"This is what you wanted, Rachel, the truth… the reason that Sylvester's pathetic little attempt to initiate desire with some provocative dancing isn't even remotely close to what I had to do at that club… why I don't feel on that field the way I did on that stage…how I can do this and not feel even remotely the way I felt every day of my life for longer than I ever should have. The reason I'm too fucked up for this relationship to go anywhere, now that you'll look at me the way the rest of the world does." She dropped Rachel's arms, turning her back to the smaller girl, hugging herself as she stared down at the floor. "Now call me the whore you really believe I am and go, so I don't have to look at you when you break my heart." She didn't wait for a response. Instead she walked out of the room, closing the bedroom door behind her as she slid to the floor, tears streaming down her face and wrapped her arms around her stomach while she let herself cry.

Quinn woke with a start, having no recollection of falling asleep. She lifted herself from the floor, stretching her back and rubbing her sore neck. She glanced around the room, a faint memory of Rachel softly pleading with her through the door while she sat propped against it crying, filtering in through the fog quickly dissipating in her brain. She closed her eyes, rubbing them with her palms before finally standing and moving over towards her closet.

_**I need a shower. I have to wash yesterday off of me.**_

_**Do you realize what you did last night?**_

_**I don't want to think about it right now.**_

She stripped off her Cheerios uniform, finding comfort in the feel of the thick robe she pulled around herself before opening the bedroom door. She froze when she noticed Rachel curled up in a tiny ball as she slept leaning against the wall beside the door.

_**She spent the whole night on the floor in my hallway…**_

_**Well, don't you feel kind of like a jerk for ignoring her now?**_

She took a deep breath, trying to decide if she could handle waking Rachel right now, if she could actually look at her. The girl shifted, her eyes fluttering open before focusing on Quinn, her body shooting up next to her as she quickly wrapped her arms around her neck.

"Quinn! I'm so, so sorry, I never meant for…I'm so sorry I made you go through that, please, forgive me."

_**Um, what's happening here?**_

_**She loves you, you idiot.**_

_**But why? How? How can she even look at me after last night?**_

"Rachel, I don't understand…"

"I'm so sorry you had to live through all of that, to feel the way you did all summer… I hate him for doing that to you, for forcing you to go through something like that."

"You…" She trailed off when Rachel pulled back, watery eyes looking at her, filled with… "Don't look at me like that." She shrugged away from the embrace, turning away from her, unable to bear the idea of that look in those eyes.

"Like what? Quinn-"

"The way people looked at me all summer, with pity in their faces…I can't take you looking at me like that, Rachel."

_**I didn't want this. She can't look at me like that.**_

_**You're the one that held her still and forced her to hear every detail.**_

"No, it's not… that's not what I'm thinking, Quinn."

"Don't lie to me! I recognize that look! I told you this would happen, that things wouldn't be the same after last night. Why can't you just admit it?"

"Fine! Last night was a lot, okay? I wasn't really prepared for it… to hear that… to think of you like… to realize that _my girlfriend_ was viewed as… was treated like a common…"

_**You're dirty to her now.**_

_**I know.**_

_**Why did you have to say all of that to her? Was it really necessary to do that?**_

_**I wanted it to come from me.**_

_**Why?**_

_**What if she felt she had to find out for herself and went to a club? I couldn't handle that.**_

"Whore."

"Stop saying that."

"What else would you call it, Rachel?"

"Fine, is that what you need to hear? That I have trouble with the idea of other people looking at you as if you were a _whore_?" She spat out the word, her voice full of disdain, and Quinn started to feel cold all over.

_**It's not other people I care about, Rachel… it's the fact that you see it now.**_

_**This is exactly what I didn't want, this is what I thought was going to happen when she saw those pictures.**_

_**You pushed this to happen, Quinn, this is your own fault.**_

"Why are you still here?"

"Where else would I be?"

"Anywhere but here."

"Just because I'm having a hard time with this doesn't mean I'm going to walk away."

"You should. This can't go anywhere now, how can you not see that?"

_**We're broken, Rachel… I'm broken.**_

_**You've always been broken.**_

_**But now she knows it.**_

"That's not true... please, don't shut me out anymore."

"Don't, Rachel…why are you making this so much harder than it has to be?"

_**Just walk away, don't pretend you still love me after this.**_

_**Are you sure she's pretending?**_

_**How could she not be?**_

"Because I'm not going to let you push me away just because we're facing something that's difficult."

"Difficult? Rachel… this is… you really think you're going to be able to look at me the same ever again? To kiss me and touch me without seeing, it's tainted now…" She felt Rachel's hand on her arm, turning her, gentle lips pressing to her own and a tiny anguished cry rose up into her throat. When Rachel finally pulled back she immediately leaned forward, burying her face against the familiar tan skin of her throat, clinging to her.

_**Oh god, I want to believe that kiss was as real as it felt.**_

_**Don't let go.**_

"I won't lie to you, Quinn, last night made me look at things differently…but I still don't see what you do when I look at you."

_**Why are you hiding from the truth, Rachel? It won't ever be the same again.**_

"You just said-"

"I said, I don't like that other people see that… what's changed is that I understand now why you feel like that, why they see that when they look at you… that doesn't mean I do too. I'm not going to pretend this isn't something that's going to take a lot of work for us to get through, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to do everything I can to get past this hurdle. I think the bigger question here, is can you still do this, do you want to work through this with me?"

_**Don't you dare give into this, don't run away.**_

_**How can I stay? The way she was looking at me on that field…the way she was looking at me last night...**_

_**You'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't stay here and deal with this, I'll make sure of it.**_

_**I'm not sure how to do this…**_

"I don't know if I can. The things we said yesterday…" She lifted her head from Rachel's shoulder, sliding down the wall, wrapping her robe further around her body, her arms hugging her knees. Rachel followed suit, placing herself in front of her on the floor, placing her hands gently on Quinn's folded arms.

"I'm sorry. I never should have treated you like that. I can't believe I said those things to you. I didn't mean it, any of it… well, I meant that I don't like the routine, but I didn't mean the rest of it."

_**Why did you have to push me so far?**_

"You broke my heart yesterday, Rachel." She averted her eyes, locking her gaze onto the hands that still rested on her arm.

"I know." The reply was soft, her tone filled with a deeper level of pain than Quinn had expected.

_**How do I heal without shutting her out? Especially when she's not entirely to blame… I put her in the situation to begin with.**_

"What hurts the most… is that everything you said was true."

"Please, don't do that. I was angry at my father and I took it out on you, you didn't deserve that."

"That doesn't change anything. You were right, I'm letting Sue use me to get what she wants, just like I did all summer. It might not be as bad but I'm still letting her do it. I knew you would react badly to it when you saw it, and I not only still did it, but I didn't warn you about it."

"You don't have to. We'll figure something else out, you don't have to be a Cheerio to protect me. If you don't want to do this, then don't."

"I can't risk you again, Rachel. I can't be the reason you get hurt again, this ridiculous idea of popularity based on my status as head cheerleader is keeping us safe."

_**I can't do that, Rachel, I refuse to be the reason you get hurt even worse.**_

"It's my decision to make. I won't let you suffer for me."

_**Rachel isn't the only one that would suffer… there's an entire squad of girls depending on me now.**_

_**I'm not the same person that I was when I made decisions without thinking of the ramifications for those around me.**_

"You're the reason I agreed to do it in the first place, but it's not just about us anymore, Rachel. Do you know what she would do to the rest of the squad if I walked away? They don't deserve to be punished because of something I did. What if she's right? What if I'm their best chance to win? Do you know how many cheerleading scholarships go to the winning team? Do you have any idea how many of those girls won't be able to go to college without that win? I don't think I could face myself if I walked away right now."

"Okay."

"Okay? Seriously?"

"I can't force you to quit, and I never should have tried to."

"He's still a judge."

"I'll figure out a way to deal with it."

_**It's not that easy, Rachel, you can't just ignore what's underneath the surface here. You'll be there, you'll see him watching me… you'll know what he's thinking… you'll picture me alone with him in that back room.**_

_**I can't put myself back out there again knowing that's coming… knowing things could crumble when she realizes that. I can't be that vulnerable again.**_

"What if we can't get past this… I don't know how to be with you the same way now. How to not imagine… the things I said to you last night, the way I… I'm going to think about it every time I feel you looking at me, every time you touch me."

_**I'm going to see you picturing me with them.**_

_**She won't.**_

_**She won't be able to shut the images out… I put them there, it's too late for her not to see them when she touches me.**_

_**Why did you have to say that to her?**_

"Then we'll take it slowly. I'll show you day by day that certain things will never change between us."

_**They already have.**_

_**Even as I sit here alone with you in a place that was starting to feel like home because you were here with me… I suddenly feel so exposed, I don't feel safe anymore, Rachel… how can I ever let you touch me the same way again?**_

"I don't know if I can be the same, Rachel. I was comfortable with you, when we… were together, it was pure… and now, I don't know if I can…"

_**I can't even say it anymore. It was special, I was able to share myself with her.**_

_**Why did you have to break that?**_

_**At least I broke it, and not someone else…**_

_**How is that better?**_

_**This way someone else didn't make me lose control of the situation.**_

_**You still lost control, you still see the club when you think about being with her now.**_

_**I want to take her into my arms and fix it, I want to kiss her and touch her, and feel wanted by her the way I used to… without any thoughts but how good she made me feel.**_

_**You can't lose yourself in her anymore, Quinn.**_

_**That's why it hurts so much. I don't know how to get that back.**_

"Don't shut down, baby, please. I can see it in your eyes… I can see you pulling away from me." She could hear the pain in Rachel's voice, and struggled as the desperate need to fix things warred with the overwhelming urge to protect herself.

_**Fight, Quinn.**_

_**I don't know how to right now.**_

"I don't know how to fix this, Rachel. Everything we've been through… I've hurt you a lot, I know that, but this time I got hurt. I knew how to work hard to make things up to you, I don't know how to fix things when it's me… all I've ever known is to pull away, to turn inwards to protect myself. I don't know how to stop that, I've never tried before."

"Just be here with me. Focus on us, it's still me, we're still us… this…" She leaned forward, forcing her to meet her gaze, while she lifted her hands to intertwine their fingers. "…is still there between us, it's still real. I still love you, and I know you still love me."

_**Believe her, Quinn.**_

_**I don't know if I can.**_

"Rachel…" She paused, watching as Rachel slowly leaned forward, her head tilting before she brushed her lips against Quinn's. She shifted, sliding her hands up Quinn's arms, letting them rest on her shoulders briefly before tenderly cupping her face.

_**Do you feel that? That gentle flutter in your chest, the way your breath is catching in your throat?**_

_**Yes.**_

_**Only Rachel does that to you. Only Rachel will ever do that to you. No one can take that away.**_

_**What about the rest of it? I don't want it to go further than this right now.**_

_**Give yourself time.**_

_**What if it never comes back? What if I can't…**_

_**Be patient, she loves you. She'll help you through this.**_

She pulled back, resting her forehead against Rachel's, closing her eyes when she felt thumbs gently wiping away the tears she hadn't realized were falling. She took a deep breath, finally shifting to pull Rachel into her arms, holding her tightly. She _chose_ to let herself feel comforted by the embrace, _chose_ to push any doubts away from the gesture. She needed to do this, to make herself stay when she so desperately wanted to run… because the truth was, this had happened because she always ran. She never actually dealt with anything she had been through, opting to push through all of it blindly, never allowing herself to actually experience how she really felt about any of it. Now she found it all closing in around her at once, forced to the breaking point because of her own attempt to protect herself. For the first time ever, she faced the truth about what she had been through, faced the fact that she was the one that couldn't handle what she had done to survive.

_**You wouldn't listen. You closed your mind and did it all without any thought, without ever seeing what you were doing to yourself.**_

_**This is all about me, isn't it? I look at myself and see all the things I've accused Rachel of seeing.**_

_**You were seventeen years old when your innocence was stolen from you, by a monster.**_

_**I didn't want to be there. I didn't want his eyes on me, his hands on me… he accused me of being a whore…**_

_**You weren't then, and you're not now.**_

_**But the things I've done…**_

_**Are in the past, you've hated yourself for long enough.**_

_**How can I not feel their hands? See their eyes? Smell their need.**_

_**By admitting that you did it to punish yourself, you let his power over you control everything you've ever done. He told you that you weren't worth anything, he tried to convince you that you were nothing but a meaningless husk to be used at the will of others. And you've hated yourself for it. You've let him win so far. You may have gotten rid of him, but you kept his shadow looming over you and you know it. I've been trying to tell you for months, and you wouldn't listen…you ran, you always ran. You put yourself in the position to feel this way. You have the power to deal with this. You have the strength to actually make it through this, you always have… you just never realized it. You can fight, and you will. You needed to say the things you did yesterday to yourself, and now that you have, now that you know you feel that way it's time to move forward. It's time to stop projecting how you feel about yourself onto Rachel and really look at her. She loves you. She's not judging you. She's having trouble with the fact that you are, and that you're letting others do the same thing. It's time to wake up, Quinn. No more running from yourself. This is it, right now. You can either ruin this by staying hidden from yourself, or you can do what you've been saying you were going to do and actually change to give yourself the future you fooled yourself into thinking you didn't deserve.**_

_**It's not that simple.**_

_**It is. Make a choice.**_

_**I…**_

_**Right now.**_

_**I don't know what you want.**_

_**Yes you do. Stop hiding.**_

_**I'm not hiding.**_

_**You are, you have been. You don't have to pull away. You can fucking grow up and deal with yourself, with all of it. Choose, now… decide.**_

_**I already have.**_

Quinn decided to lay low for a few days, skipping her practices and school until Wednesday, when she finally reappeared in Coach Sylvester's office. She knew the conversation wouldn't go well, but she had spent a lot of time thinking things over, and she refused to let the woman control her to the degree she had been so far. She left the office feeling slightly better about herself, the small victory having restored some of her self-confidence, after all, very few people managed to hold a position of power over Sue. Getting the Coach to tone down the routine was something she had decided needed to be done for her own sanity, so she could feel like she had control back over her own life. She honestly expected to feel even better than she did after the conversation, instead finding herself just as subdued as she had been since her meltdown Saturday night.

She spent her morning ignoring the younger Cheerios that seemed to follow her around incessantly, choosing to spend most of her time staring at the back of Rachel's head during their shared classes. By lunchtime she could tell that rumors were starting to spread like wildfire through the school, and she found herself trying to ignore the eyes that were on her as she made her way outside with her lunch. She was fixing a younger group of Cheerios with a glare when she felt an arm around her shoulders when a warm body settled next to her.

"I can't wait to graduate, I'm so sick of being the focus of attention here. I can't even be quiet without creating mass speculation about my life. The rumor mill is insisting that we broke up, that I had a meltdown in Sue Sylvester's office… supposedly I begged her to change the routine so I could get you back." She finally turned her gaze from the cheerleaders, opting to focus on the warm brown eyes beside her.

"Only three more months, baby, it's not that long."

_**Three months is like an eternity. Trust me, last summer tells me so.**_

"Yeah, well, it's longer than I'd like."

"So, what did you really talk to Sue about this morning?"

Quinn sighed and made a small exasperated sound before dropping her sandwich back onto her tray. "I actually did talk to her about the routine, I got her to tone it down. It just obviously didn't go the way everyone seems to think it did." She felt Rachel shift to rub small soothing circles on her back.

_**Sue probably spread that rumor herself so she wouldn't look bad, you know.**_

_**Yeah, I know. Whatever.**_

"You didn't have to do that, I apologized for-"

"It wasn't about you, Rach." She paused to pick up the hand that dropped from her back in response to the harsh tone, lacing their fingers together. "That came out a lot harsher than I intended. I'm sorry, I'm just still having some trouble after the other night. I'm working on it."

_**What's wrong with you?**_

_**I didn't mean for it to come out like that… I'm not upset with Rachel, I'm upset with myself for letting things go this far.**_

"I know."

_**She sounded so sad just now.**_

_**Explain yourself, now.**_

"I just… you were right, I was letting her use me and I needed to take control of the situation. I can help her win and still do it on my terms, and it doesn't hurt for us both to feel more comfortable with everything."

"I would've found a way to support you, Quinn, I was upset and I overreacted."

"We both should have handled things differently… I still needed to do this."

"Okay." She kept her eyes on the ground in front of her, and Quinn sighed in response to the still stiff demeanor she knew she was causing, moving to pull her hand from Rachel's. "Don't."

_**I hate that I created so much tension between us, it used to be so easy to just be together.**_

_**You can fix it.**_

_**Are you sure?**_

_**Yes.**_

_**Okay, I'll try harder.**_

"Rach…" She paused glancing at the bag that lay beside them on the steps, furrowing her brow at its persistent buzzing. "Maybe you should get that."

"I don't want to."

"What if it's Hiram."

"It's not. He's in surgery."

"He's been calling for days, Rach, maybe you should just talk to him and get it over with."

"I don't want to talk to him."

"He's not going to just give up."

"I can be just as stubborn as he can, he wants to keep calling, then I can keep ignoring him. Maybe I should change my number."

"I'm not sure ignoring his calls will just make him go away."

"I know. He's been following me for the last two days too. I'm going to talk to my dad about it."

_**What did she just say?**_

"He's… what?"

"I've seen his car, near our apartment, and behind me on the way to school the last two mornings."

_**I'll kill him.**_

_**Okay, we can't keep having this conversation about killing people. **_

_**Right. Jail, Rachel getting angry….**_

"Why didn't you tell me that?"

"Yeah, because you needed extra stress over the last few days."

_**You need to stop having nervous breakdowns so she doesn't keep this stuff all bottled up.**_

_**I could tell you to shut up, but I'm trying to stop that.**_

_**Good for you.**_

_**Well, that was just snarky, if I can curb my attitude you can control your sarcasm.**_

_**You effectively told me to shut up without telling me to shut up, it's the passive aggressive version of the same thing.**_

_**Shut up.**_

_**Is it possible to give yourself a dirty look?**_

_**Be proactive, protect Rachel.**_

_**See, now that's actually helpful.**_

"Rachel." She sighed, shifting to wrap her arms around her, kissing the top of her head. "I'm going to call my lawyer, see if he can suggest someone that handles that private security you were talking about…I don't like the idea of him drinking and then following you around." She tightened her grip and felt her heart clench at the small, sad voice that accompanied Rachel's soft response.

"How did we get here? Two years ago I never would have believed you if you had told me I would need protection from my… from Leroy."

_**Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.**_

_**Don't say it's your fault or I'll start singing.**_

_**No, I know Leroy isn't my fault.**_

_**Hey! Look at you! I'm so proud.**_

_**Shut up.**_

_**Can you hear me if I laugh at you?**_

"I think he's been through a lot recently."

"So have you, and you're better for it."

_**Seriously?**_

"Yeah, right, Rach. I'm so beyond fucked up."

"I wish you'd stop saying that. He let his problems turn him into an alcoholic… a man his own family doesn't even want to be around. You… you're letting it make you into someone I can't imagine being without."

_**You won't ever have to be without me, I promise.**_

"You're so biased, baby."

"Don't do that, I am… but it's still true, you're working hard to get through everything that happened to you, and he's just sinking into it. There's a huge difference. I wish you could see how strong you are, how easy it would have been for you to let it break you instead of trying to grow from it."

_**I've broken more times than I even want to think about.**_

"You seriously think I didn't break, Rach? What do you think happened this weekend?"

"Are you succumbing to it? Are you wallowing in a downward spiral? No, you're trying to work through it."

_**Does she somehow not realize that this weekend was pretty goddamn rock bottom?**_

_**Sometimes you have to reach the bottom before you can see the path to the top.**_

_**When did you start to sound all wise?**_

_**I've always been wise, you just never listen.**_

"Yeah, well, I spiraled pretty far down on Saturday, if you recall."

"Finally dealing with what you've been through and becoming what he's become are two very different things, Quinn. You reached a breaking point and you snapped, but you're recovering, he's not."

_**I have a really good reason to fight, and she's here right beside me helping me through it all.**_

_**She does refuse to let you give in to your crap a lot.**_

_**She's better at it than you.**_

_**Now who's biased.**_

"Well, I have you."

"He had my dad until he pushed him too far. If he would talk to him the way you talk to me, he'd still be there for him, you know. He's just not willing to."

_**She's right, he pushed him until he snapped… which just goes to show you—**_

_**Yeah, I get it… stop pushing Rachel.**_

_**Hey, look at that, you do learn.**_

"He's trying to talk to you."

"I shouldn't have to fix him. He's supposed to be my father, and he ruined that. I'm not going to let him get as bad as…." She trailed off, realizing what she was about to say, wincing when Quinn stiffened and pulled back.

_**Don't close off, she didn't mean it like that.**_

_**I know.**_

"As bad as my father."

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking about what I was saying."

"No, it's okay." She was quiet for a few seconds, soothing the knot in her stomach with slow controlled breaths. "For what it's worth, Russell was always an abusive alcoholic. Nothing happened to him to make him act out occasionally, he was just like that all the time. I don't think your father would…go half as far as he did."

_**See, working on it.**_

_**Would you like a medal?**_

_**You know what? I'm learning to work on things and change my reactions, so why are you still an ass?**_

_**It keeps you on your toes.**_

_**Ass.**_

"He threw you against a wall."

"I'm not you, Rach. He was protecting you."

"He wasn't protecting me the other night when he…" She paused, darting a quick glance in Quinn's direction. "…threw me out."

_**You mean when he slapped you and I wanted to run him over with my car a few dozen times?**_

"I know he slapped you, Rach, and I'm not going to even remotely pretend I didn't contemplate beating him in the head with various blunt objects for it…but I still think that ignoring him isn't going to make things any better."

"Can we go away for spring break?"

_**Well, that's not a good sign.**_

_**How do I fix this for her?**_

_**You can't.**_

_**You're no help.**_

_**Well, you can't. You can be there for her, and you can support her just like she's been doing for you. But you can't fix this, just like she can't fix the things Russell did to you.**_

"Rach-"

"It's coming up, and I could really use some time away from all of this." She tucked her hair behind her ears, keeping her eyes on her feet, suddenly looking very tired. Quinn lifted her arm around her shoulders, pulling her close once again, deciding to let the subject drop for now… after all it was rare for Rachel to avoid a subject.

_**Give her what she wants.**_

_**I will. I always will.**_

"I was thinking we could go to New York and furnish the apartment. If we have everything all set up by the end of vacation we can move in right after graduation." She was surprised to see the corner of Rachel's mouth quirk up, her eyes suddenly brighter with amusement.

"Are you planning on having the car packed and waiting outside the ceremony? Something along the lines of 'thank you very much for my diploma, now if you'll excuse me, I'm taking Rachel and getting as far away from here as possible.'" She looked mildly confused when Quinn genuinely laughed in response, leaning over to brush their lips together before smiling brilliantly down at her, eyes shining. "What?"

_**Did I say that out loud that day?**_

_**No.**_

_**Are you sure?**_

_**Yes. You're just that perfect for each other, despite what you may think, randomly, when you've decided to have a nervous breakdown.**_

"You're so perfect for me, Rach. I love you."

"That was a little off topic."

"You know me so well it amazes me sometimes." The smile she received in return finally lit up Rachel's whole face, smoothing away the stress that had been there a few moments before.

_**I can actually do this, can't I? Make this work.**_

_**Yes.**_

_**Why didn't I see that this weekend?**_

_**Do you really want me to answer that?**_

_**Um… no.**_

"I realize you probably didn't contemplate that particular image as anything other than a fleeting fantasy but… I think I could actually go for it. Getting our diplomas and just going genuinely sounds… amazing."

"You're serious?"

"Why not? You don't have anything tying you here, and I don't want to be here anymore either. Why shouldn't we leave as soon as we can?"

_**Does she really want to do this?**_

_**Seems that way.**_

_**Our life together is really going to start soon, isn't it?**_

_**I'm pretty sure it already has.**_

"What about Hiram?"

"If you don't mind, we can take him with us over break, so he feels included and then he can come visit whenever he wants in the future. I know I haven't been talking to him much, but this can be a way for us to fix things without Leroy lurking in the background."

"I hate to bring this up right now but… what if he takes Leroy back?"

_**Why would you say that right now?**_

_**We need to be realistic, not dealing with things hasn't been working out too well for me, and I won't let her make the same mistake… if I can help it.**_

"He'll just have to accept it when I tell him that he has to come alone when he comes to our home."

_**Our home!**_

_**That may be the best thing I've ever heard… ever.**_

_**Can I make fun of you for becoming such a lovesick sap?**_

_**No.**_

_**Just a little?**_

_**Shut up.**_

_**Come on, it's like you're a greeting card!**_

_**And that's a bad thing how?**_

_**I didn't say it was bad… it's just adorable enough for me to tease you about.**_

_**You love it.**_

_**You can't prove that.**_

"Are you sure that's what you want?"

"No, in the grand scheme of things, I would have preferred to have my whole family supporting me in New York, but it didn't work out that way. I have you and I have my dad, that's enough for me."

"There's still the possibility that he'll go and get help, that you can work this out down the road. It's not irreparable… he's not like my father."

"Well, then we'll deal with that if it happens." She stood when the bell rang, bending over to brush her lips briefly against Quinn's, smiling gently. "We should start looking at furniture online tonight on the computer, were you thinking paint or wallpaper?" Quinn laughed, shaking her head as she followed her back into the building.

Quinn was almost to her car after her Cheerios practice, when she heard an engine behind her. She paused, turning just in time to see an angry Leroy step out of his car, as he charged angrily towards her.

"Why are you doing this to my family Fabray?"

_**Fantastic. Just what I need.**_

_**At least he's coming after you instead of Rachel.**_

_**That's a fairly decent point.**_

"Do you really want to do this? How do you think this is going to go, Leroy?"

"Your father's right about you… you're just a home-wrecking little slut."

_**How would he… has he been talking to him?**_

"You've been talking to Russell? Why would you do that?"

"I wanted help… to get you out of my life. Why can't you just leave us alone?" He moved closer to her, pointing a finger into her face for emphasis. She felt her nose burn at the familiar smell of alcohol and sick on him.

_**He's seriously loaded.**_

_**Of course he is, would he be here if he wasn't?**_

"You're drunk, Leroy, you shouldn't be driving."

"Fuck you."

_**People become so eloquent when they're plastered.**_

_**He's a pretty nasty drunk, isn't he?**_

_**It would appear that's a common occurrence in my life, being harassed by nasty drunks.**_

"Yeah, that's helpful." She lifted her cell phone, typing in a quick text message to Rachel before dialing Hiram. She almost had the phone to her ear when Leroy smacked it violently out of her hand.

"I'm talking to you."

_**Please, don't do this. Don't put me in this position.**_

_**You can only push me so far, Leroy…**_

"Come on, Leroy, you're making things worse for yourself. Stop this. Just go get cleaned up, get some help… I've been trying to convince her to talk to you if you do that, and you're making it really difficult for me to stand up for you… especially after I found out you slapped her." She watched as he seemed to shrink back for a minute, contemplating what she had just said to him, recovering slowly as he moved forward again.

_**It would be so much more gratifying to run him over with my car right now.**_

_**Well, I'm proud of you for taking the high ground here.**_

"Right, I'm supposed to believe you want to help me."

_**Why do people have such a hard time believing me when I speak?**_

_**Well…**_

_**Ok, my past can only haunt me for so long before people realize I'm not that girl anymore.**_

"I don't want Rachel to lose her father. I know what it's like to lose your family, and despite what you think, I want what's best for her."

"Then why are you still with her?"

_**You ass-hat.**_

_**That's not constructive, stay calm.**_

"I understand why you don't like me, I really do… but that doesn't change the fact that I make her happy. We're good together, I can give her a future. It took me a really long time to realize that, and nothing you can say or do is going to make me walk away from her, so I suggest you stop trying to get rid of me and focus on fixing your relationship with her even if you don't really deserve one."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

_**Seriously? Out of the two of us, who's hurting her and who's holding her while she cries?**_

_**How can he not see what he's turning into? He hates Russell and he's following in his path, even asking him how to go about being more like him, apparently.**_

"Look at yourself. You've become an alcoholic that takes advice from a man that put his own daughter in the hospital… that tried to rape her. You attacked me, you hit Rachel and then threw her out… do you really think you deserve her forgiveness right now?"

_**You said it, you talked about it and you're ok.**_

_**Yeah, because that's what's important right now.**_

_**Hey, it matters.**_

"What do you know?"

"I know what it's like to be let down by a parent, just like you do." She closed her eyes when his hand raised in the air, ready when he back handed her, hard across the cheek, pain exploding up into her eye.

_**Why do people keep fucking hitting me? How is that the answer to everything?**_

_**Seriously, how many times can one person get hit in their lifetime by assholes? Does something about me say 'hey come bash me in the face?'**_

"You don't know anything. Don't pretend you know me. Hiram opened his big mouth and now you think you can talk to me like you know what I'm going through? You deserved that, you little bitch, you were asking for it."

_**That's it. I'm done playing nice here.**_

_**Quinn…**_

_**No, I'm not doing this anymore, you want me to deal with my past then let me fucking deal with history constantly repeating itself in my present for no good goddamn reason.**_

_**You know what? You're right, it wasn't my fault, and here's my proof. Yet another man attacking me for something I didn't do. Russell accused me of something I didn't do and punished me for it, and now here's Leroy fucking Berry doing the same damn thing. Fuck this, I'm so done rolling over and taking the heat for everything.**_

"I am so sick of men taking their anger out on me and telling me I was asking for it. You know what? I'm done with you, Leroy. I tried to help you for Rachel's sake, but that's fucking it. You're a goddamn idiot. I was the only person on your side here. You pushed your husband away, you pushed your daughter away, and now you're here beating on the only person that was still fighting to help you... and now I'm just fucking done with it. I'm going to press charges now, I'm not-"

"Hey! You best get the fuck away from her… I called the cops, they're on their way." Quinn turned her head as Santana walked up beside her, a few Cheerios warily keeping their distance while they looked on from the edge of the parking lot. Leroy glanced quickly at the cheerleader, eyes widening as he seemed to realize what was happening, adrenaline finally forcing a path through his foggy alcohol induced rage.

"I…" He stopped, looking around at the crowd that was slowly forming around them as the football players noticed the commotion. He stepped back, eyes suddenly watering unexpectedly and Quinn felt the anger in her chest dissipate slightly.

_**This isn't Russell, it's Leroy…he's always been a good man in the past.**_

_**Good people don't backhand you.**_

_**He's drunk.**_

_**And how long did you make that excuse for your father?**_

_**This is going to hurt Rachel.**_

_**That's not your fault. You tried to reason with him.**_

_**I don't think he sees it that way.**_

_**Also, not your fault.**_

_**But, I don't want Rachel to hurt **__**any more than she already is**__**.**_

_**You didn't cause this, he did. He came here drunk, he attacked you yet again. She won't blame you.**_

_**I know that. I wouldn't care if she did, I just want to protect her and he's making it so damn difficult to do that.**_

_**You're going to protect her by forcing him to get the help he needs, if you press charges the courts will make him get help.**_

_**I know, I just don't want to make things worse for her family.**_

_**It's the right thing to do, Quinn.**_

_**That doesn't make it any easier.**_

"Are you okay, Q?" She moved to Quinn's side, her eyes fixed firmly on the lost man that still stood before her, lifting an arm to touch her shoulder.

_**I'm actually more okay than I've been in a long time.**_

"Yeah." She slowly started to back away with Santana, watching the expressions change in Leroy's face as the full gravity of the situation seemed to over take him.

She didn't avert her gaze, even when she heard sirens in the distance, not registering the slam of a car door behind her until an angry blur shot past her. She turned her head when Santana released her arm, grabbing a furious Rachel around the waist before she could reach her father. She couldn't quite make out what the girl was saying as Santana muttered and cursed in Spanish while she tried to hold the whirlwind of fury the smaller girl had transformed into.

Leroy reached a hand out towards his daughter before staggering backwards, thudding heavily against his car and sliding down onto the ground, his mouth agape while he just watched Rachel who struggled to get at him anger pouring from her mouth. Quinn shook her head, snapping out of her own daze, moving towards the girl that struggled to hold Rachel back.

She stepped in front of the two women, interrupting Rachel's garbled tirade even as the police finally arrived in the parking lot, effectively stopping the struggle when Rachel took in Quinn's face. Santana released her as she lifted her eyes to Quinn's, her features softening immediately, her arms pulling her tightly against her body. She felt herself calm, even as all hell seemed to suddenly break loose around them, the football players and the police suddenly clashing around the man that still sat on ground against his car, Hiram's voice joining the mix as he charged forward, attempting to be hard while he tried to usher the girls away from the pandemonium that surrounded them.

_**I'm sorry, Rachel.**_

_**This isn't—**_

_**Just because it isn't my fault doesn't make me hurt for her any less.**_

_**On the plus side, you've come out on the other side stronger.**_

_**I guess I have. I just wish I didn't have to face my demons at Rachel's expense.**_

_**She's better off without him at this point.**_

_**I still wish it could have gone differently.**_

_**At least you're in a place where you can actually be strong for Rachel now.**_

_**It's about time I could return the favor.**_

Rachel had been silent the entire car ride home, staring straight ahead of her out of the windshield while she drove them to their apartment. Quinn, on the other hand never even noticed the road as she watched Rachel from the passenger seat, unable to miss the rising level of tension that her increasingly rigid body language portrayed. She managed to remain quiet, not wanting to further upset her girlfriend while she drove. Rachel's silence continued when they entered the apartment and she began to pace back and forth across the living room. Quinn headed for the kitchen, taking some pain killers before grabbing an ice pack out of the freezer, wrapping it in a towel before tentatively placing it on her cheek bone. She moved back into the living room, sinking down into a chair while she held the ice pack to her face and watched Rachel pace, letting her work out whatever it was she wanted to say.

"I actually heard him hit you, do you know that?"

_**Well, that explains a few things.**_

"How is that even possible?"

"I was with my father when you called, I had his phone while he drove. You may have dropped it, but it was still on."

"I didn't exactly drop it."

_**That wasn't a helpful thing to say.**_

_**Yeah, I might be a little out of it right now.**_

"I don't even… why were you so nice to him?"

"For you, Rach… I thought if I could reason with him-"

_**I wanted to fix things for you.**_

"Yeah, I heard your plan. I told you I didn't want anything to do with him anymore."

"I know. But you mean that while you're angry with him, you don't know how you'll feel when the anger fades."

"Really? So you want to work things out with your father?"

_**That was kind of a low blow.**_

_**She didn't mean it like that, she's trying to make a point.**_

_**She can't compare the two. I need to get her to realize how very different the situations are.**_

"You really think that's the same thing, Rach? Because I don't." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, adjusting the ice pack before looking back up into blazing eyes.

_**Calm down, don't get defensive.**_

_**I'm sorry, I'm tired and it feels like a small elephant is doing a dance on my skull.**_

_**A small elephant, seriously, what is it with you and elephants. Do you even realize how small—**_

_**Um, are you going on a tirade about elephants right now?**_

_**Right. Sorry. I think I'm really, really, over tired.**_

"I didn't mean-"

"I know. Let me put it this way… sometimes I wish I could fix things between me and my mother."

"You do?" She stopped pacing, stunned surprise clear in her features as she looked down at Quinn.

"Yeah. I was angry at her for a long time for letting him get away with his behavior for my entire life, but at some point I realized he's just as horrible to her… if not more so at times. I'm angry with her for staying with him, but she did try to pull him off of me…"

_**I think she's the one that called the cops.**_

_**It could have been the neighbors.**_

_**I want to believe it was her.**_

"I didn't realize she tried to protect you."

"He threw her against a china cabinet."

"Quinn-"

_**He threw her, and she hit it so hard that I don't actually remember her trying to stop him again… did she even get up or did he knock her out?**_

_**I… I don't know, I couldn't focus on anything but the pain at that point…**_

"I don't know if I could ever really forgive her for staying with him, but I do wish things had gone differently between the two of us. I wish she had chosen to leave him again, to have had the strength to fight in the first place instead of taking him back. I told her he wouldn't change, and she let him fall right back into old patterns until…" She dropped her hand to her lap, forgetting about the ice pack as she stared off into the past, not even seeing Rachel in front of her. "She always told him to stop whenever he would go after me, I know she tried to take the brunt of his anger herself so he wouldn't hurt us. I just don't understand how she could see what he was doing and not take us and leave. It took my pregnancy to get her to leave, and even after that she still took him back. I just don't understand that. She watched him throw me out, watched him hit me and scream at me all of those years…"

_**Watched as he slammed me against that wall...**_

Rachel knelt down in front of her, lifting her hands to offer comfort, only to quickly pull back when Quinn winced oblivious to her surroundings while she continued to remain trapped in her memory.

_**Was she able to watch as he shredded my back with that belt? Could she see the fear in my eyes when he ripped my clothes off? Did she think about me or the stains on the couch when he flipped me onto my back, slamming bloody gashes into the ridge at the back of the couch…**_

"I was fighting with her when he came in, I didn't even see him coming. He just grabbed me by the throat and shoved me back against the wall. He always had this idea in his head about what I should be, and who I should be with. He made me go on a date with his friend's son the week before. The guy tried to put his hand up my dress while we were in the car saying goodnight, and I ended up having to slap him to get him off of me… apparently he told his father a different story. I just remember my father's hand on my throat while he called me a slut. I didn't even kiss the guy, and here he was choking me for sleeping with him. She tried to get him to let go of me and he shoved her back…I tried to scramble away but he followed… he grabbed me by my hair and shoved me down onto the back of the couch, and he just started yelling that if I wanted to be a whore he'd show me what it was really like. Every time the belt hit my back I could hear him telling me what a waste I was, that a disappointment like me had been asking to be put into place. I think she called the cops then, because she was gone for a few minutes before she tried to pull him off of me and he threw her back again, knocking her into the china cabinet. He had already ripped the back of my dress open to hit me with the belt, it didn't take much to pull it the rest of the way off… he ran his hand down my body even as he said that I was a waste of skin, and then he flipped me over his hand undoing his…" She trailed off, blinking suddenly when a small sniffle seemed to snap her out of the memory, realizing Rachel was kneeling before her while tears silently slipped out of her eyes.

_**Um….**_

_**Yeah, I uh… I don't know why I just said all of that.**_

_**To show her how bad things can really be.**_

_**I guess I needed to talk about it some time.**_

"So, um… no, I don't see your father as someone that you can't work things out with."

_**Your voice is shaking.**_

"Baby, I-"

"Don't, Rach… I didn't mean to say all of that. I guess I just… I found myself in a situation I didn't expect, and I… I guess it was just ready to come out. I'm sorry, tonight wasn't about me, I just… I don't want you to make a decision you'll regret later and I guess I thought if I told you how bad things really could be then maybe you'd realize that in the grand scheme of how things can go, Leroy can still be fixed."

"Can I hold you?"

_**Why is she asking me that?**_

"Did you just ask permission to hold me?"

"I… I tried to touch you while you were talking and… you winced."

_**Damn it. I want to be past this.**_

_**Well, you just took a huge step by talking about it.**_

_**I actually feel kind of… relieved. She knows, and she's still here… and she loves me.**_

_**Of course she does, it wasn't your fault.**_

_**It really wasn't, was it?**_

"I didn't realize that. I'm sorry." She reached out her hand pulling Rachel down onto her lap, burying her face against her chest when arms gently encircled her, one hand tenderly combing fingers soothingly through her hair.

_**Your touch can fix anything Rachel.**_

"Don't you dare apologize. Thank you."

"For what?"

"For loving me so much that you'd talk about something like that just to put things into perspective so I don't do something I'll regret." She pulled back slightly, gently cupping Quinn's jaw before placing a tentative kiss on her lips. "Did you need to get the rest out?"

"No. I skimmed over a few details, and I don't really ever want to talk about what he was doing when the cops burst in. I don't ever want to talk about any of it ever again."

"I'm sorry, baby, you didn't have to…"

"I think maybe I needed to at some point. I've been hiding from it, and I was so sick of hiding."

_**It's time to finally heal.**_

"I'd give anything to be able to make it so that never happened to you."

"When…" She paused, taking a deep breath and averting her gaze. "Every time you kiss me, every time you touch me… I forget for a while how he made me feel that day." She felt Rachel's finger under her chin lifting her head, watery eyes meeting her own as she leaned forward and captured her lips.


	19. Chapter 19

AN: So, those of you that originally read this story know that it WAS two stories. Down, But Not Out and a sequel, The Long Road Home. Well, this time around it's one giant story. I never really liked that Down, But Not Out ended on a random happy not without Quinn actually ever really getting the help she needed to fix her issues. I'm a firm believer that when you go through something like she did, you can't just pretend it's not there and actually have it go away. You might be able to ignore it for a while, but eventually it will come back to bite you in the ass. So, this chapter starts out in the high school time of them finding each other as the story has so far, then it jumps ahead to the future and deals with Quinn's avoidance of all of her issues finally catching up to her and how she actually has to deal with it and get the help she's always needed or possibly lose Rachel. This is why I never had her deal with it when they were high school age, because this was always the plan. I always have a plan.

Chapter 19

_Quinn took her by the hand, leading her towards the bedroom, a soft smile slightly turning up one corner of her mouth at the hesitancy in Rachel's eyes. She understood why brown eyes stared worriedly, silently asking if this was what she really wanted right now, and she nodded slowly…she needed her right now, the reassurance of her, the love of her. She lifted the hand that still clasped her own towards the hem of her shirt, raising her arms as the material slowly drifted across her skin. She felt her breath catch slightly as soft brown eyes dropped from her own, caressing her naked flesh with the heat of the gaze, fingers whispering up her sides as if learning the feel of the silky skin for the first time. When fingertips reached small white lines that dotted tender flesh they followed them inwards, hands shifting to cup soft mounds, Quinn's eyes closing as her head shifted in time with her arching back as she automatically pushed further into the hands that massaged her. A quiet gasp escaped her throat as Rachel's lips trailed soft kisses from the curve of her stomach muscles up through the valley of her breasts, slowing as she approached the smooth skin of her throat. She turned her head, granting better access as lips continued their journey, a tongue swirling out to tease her earlobe before lips followed her jaw line, finally gently capturing her mouth. The kiss was gentle…tender, while fingertips gently traced soft swirling patterns over her stomach and sides, occasionally arching down to follow the curve of a hip bone. Her body arched up against the intricate patterns every time they delved closer to the center of her hip. _

_Quinn could feel moisture collecting in her closed eyes, touched more than she could express by the loving way Rachel was soothing the pain away with her tender ministrations. 'Every time you touch me I forget for a little while...' She lifted her head slightly, deepening their kiss, her own hands lifting to pull the brunette closer against her. Rachel obliged, dipping her tongue into the mouth below her own, her fingers still dancing against the body that shifted restlessly against her. She lifted her head as Quinn's hands lifted her shirt over her head, moving her mouth to trail around the curve of a breast as she came back down, flesh meeting flesh. Quinn's hand clenching into dark strands as that talented tongue swirled a hardened nipple into warmth, teeth gently grazing before disappearing, cool air replacing the warmth of her mouth. She fisted her other hand in sheets as the action was repeated on the previously ignored breast that had been aching for attention. She kept her eyes closed as hands shifted to slide down pale hips, ever so slowly revealing previously hidden flesh as Rachel slipped the remainder of her clothing off her humming body. Lips returned, kissing gently up her inner thigh, arching sideways and back up towards her hip before shifting again to reign sweet kisses in a line to her throat once again. She gently pulled the patch of skin just below Quinn's ear in between her teeth, her fingertips shifting their teasing circles to the feverish flesh of her now exposed inner thigh. Rachel continued to tease the patch of skin between her teeth, only releasing it when Quinn's hips twisted, attempting to move the teasing fingertips closer towards aching moisture. Rachel smiled against her throat, lifting her head to meet Quinn's eager kiss, continuing to slowly worship flesh as her fingers traced smaller patterns, finally moving them upwards as they edged around soft curls. Quinn's nails burrowed into tan skin as Rachel's finger dipped down into curls to barely whisper against burning lips, tracing their edges and finding moisture beckoning her further in. Quinn felt a moan rise up her throat, released into the mouth that danced against her own, as fingers finally dipped into searing moisture. She was lost to the gentle touch, her entire world beginning and ending at the fingertip that leisurely swirled around the pleasantly agitated bundle of nerves at her core. Tan fingers traced small figure eights around excited flesh, pale hips fitfully shifting in response, before shifting to slip down into velvet folds. Quinn felt her body begin to tremble as Rachel's fingers bent into her, sliding expertly into place, the ridge at the base of her palm pressing taught circles against the desperate nub. She settled into a firm but gentle rhythm, pushing Quinn higher with each circle of her hand until she tensed and exploded into pure oblivion. _

"What are you thinking about?"

"What?" Hazel eyes blinked, focusing on the brown ones that searched her face. "Oh…um…" She felt warmth rise into her cheeks as she averted her gaze from Rachel's face.

_**Oh good, blush so she knows exactly what you were thinking.**_

"Quinn Fabray, were you thinking about something…" She leaned closer to her, her voice dropping to a husk as she whispered warmly against her ear. "…naughty?"

_**Busted.**_

_**Totally.**_

"I…I was just remembering something." She rolled her eyes, feeling the blush deepen before glancing back towards Rachel's amused gaze, her face turning more serious. "Did I ever thank you for that night?"

"Which night?" Rachel's eyebrows came together in slight confusion.

_**The night you put me back together.**_

"The night of the confrontation with Leroy, the night I told you about what happened to me."

"Why would you have to thank me?"

_**That night you became the first person to ever make me realize that people could actually make love. **_

"Because you were so…the way you were with me that night…you made me feel so loved, so cherished. You were just so tender. I meant to thank you. You fixed such a big part of me, a part I thought was broken a long time ago." She felt tears in her eyes and blinked, finding herself slightly ridiculous for getting so emotional now as they sat in a less than private airplane cabin.

"You don't have to thank me baby. I love you, I wanted to show you that." She leaned forward and brushed her lips against Quinn's, her eyes smiling as she pulled back. "What made you think of that? We've been all over each other all week, it's not like I would imagine that night would be at the forefront of your mind." Her eyebrows suddenly furrowed, concern pooling in her eyes. "Was it not as good this week? Did I do something wrong?"

"No!" Quinn quickly leaned forward, kissing her gently, lifting her hand to rest on the side of her face as she pulled back. "Don't ever think that. I just…" She paused as someone walked past them through the aisle, shifting even closer to Rachel, suddenly grateful for the modicum of privacy first class afforded them as she lowered her voice even further.

"I'm worried about going back, we've been so happy all week. Whenever I even remotely feel like I'm closing down I think about that night. I was so exposed after telling you everything, and all you did was prove to me how much you loved me…how much I could really trust you with my body, with my heart…with my past." She smiled softly at the tenderness shining in the eyes that were staring back at her. "Whenever I really need to _feel _how much you love me, I remember that night." She leaned into the kiss Rachel offered in response, her hand tangling into dark hair as she lost herself in the feeling of soft lips against her own. She jumped slightly, pulling back and laughing when the Captain chimed in over the speakers, announcing their approach into the landing strip. They both shifted, buckling their seatbelts before lacing their fingers together as they sat in companionable silence while they waited for the plane to land.

The week had mostly been devoted to enjoying themselves, Quinn following the two Berry's around with a perpetual smile on her face. She couldn't remember the last time she actually felt like this, so happy, so relaxed…so ready for the future. Her nights had been spent sneaking into what would be their bedroom someday, to join Rachel. She made sure they were all in separate rooms, out of respect for Hiram, she didn't exactly feel the need to throw their sex life in his face even if the rest of the world had done so repeatedly. She had tried to convince Quinn that she was being ridiculous about the whole situation, after all they did live together, and were moving to New York. When she brought up the video evidence, Quinn had declared its existence her reason for wanting to make a show out of being respectful while Hiram was with them. Rachel had just laughed at her, informing her that when he visited their apartment she was not moving into the guest bedroom for Quinn's ridiculous attempt at trying to make him believe they weren't having sex. Quinn had blushed and covered her face with a pillow, declaring her newfound intention to avoid sex whenever Hiram was in the same state until Rachel had straddled her and convinced her the idea was absurd.

The week had been pure bliss for Quinn, a glimpse into the future she had been having so much trouble seeing until now. She hadn't begun to feel the tension returning to her shoulders until they were nearing the end of their flight. It was all so close, right there within her grasp, and the idea of returning to Lima…of waiting for that life any longer had her on edge, the fear of something preventing it edging back into her spine. She was actually vaguely surprised when they stepped into their apartment with their luggage, without anything happening.

_**Maybe it's going to take time to catch up to us…**_

_**What is?**_

_**Whatever's going to happen.**_

_**What if nothing's going to happen, what if you've been through the worst of it and things really are just getting better.**_

_**This is Lima, that seems really unlikely.**_

"What's wrong?" Rachel stepped into her, winding her arms around her waist and pulling her firmly against her smaller body.

"Nothing, I just don't want to go back to this life, I want to be in the one we just left."

"We will, graduation's coming."

"Yeah…slowly."

"When did you get so impatient?" She laughed slightly kissing Quinn quickly on the lips before moving to start unpacking her suitcase.

"When I saw the life we have waiting for us in New York." She laughed when an 'I love New York' t-shirt landed on her head.

"Here you go, you can sleep in this in the meantime, it'll make you remember that it's coming."

"Smart ass."

"You love me."

Quinn woke while it was still dark out, confused about what had roused her from such a deep sleep. She rubbed her eyes, sitting up slightly to glance around the room, spotting Rachel's phone on the night table as it lit up buzzing angrily at her. She glanced at the unconscious girl beside her, shaking her head and smiling as she stood from the bed.

_**Seriously, a buffalo stampede could do a little dance next to her head and she'd sleep right through it. **_

_**I wonder how her alarm wakes her up in the morning.**_

_**It's probably more her internal clock than the actual alarm that does it.**_

She finally reached the phone that lay on Rachel's side of the bed, feeling goose-bumps rise across her entire body as she read the screen.

_**Fuck. **_

_**Nine missed calls from Hiram, how can that possibly be anything but bad?**_

She paused, trying to decide if she should wake Rachel or call him back when her own phone sang softly from her jacket pocket. She walked over to the open closet door, lifting the phone out of the jacket, quickly hitting the send button as she slipped out of the bedroom.

"Hello? Hiram? What's wrong?" She listened to the other end of the line, her hand coming up to rub the bridge of her nose as the knot in her stomach reformed…the knot Rachel had expertly removed with skilled hands in their bed before they had finally collapsed exhausted, their limbs still tangled together even as they drifted off to sleep.

She felt the muscles in her shoulders stiffen uncomfortably even as she hung up the phone and let herself back into their bedroom. She moved to Rachel's side of the bed, sitting down beside the peacefully sleeping form, a smile briefly quirking the corner of her mouth up when she noticed the outstretched arm that lay on her vacant side of the bed obviously reaching for her even in sleep.

She stayed where she was for a minute, just watching Rachel sleep, letting it soothe her a little before she finally took a deep breath and leaned down kissing sleep warm lips. It hadn't taken her long to figure out that if she kissed Rachel enough the girl would begin to respond, eventually waking up from even her deepest sleep. It had been an enormous relief to discover the trick, especially after their first morning in the apartment had been spent with Quinn trying to wake her every way she could think of for nearly twenty minutes with no success. Lips began to move against her own, arms coming around her neck when Rachel slowly woke up from whatever she had been dreaming about.

_**I could wake you up like this every morning for the rest of our lives.**_

"Mmm, I love it when you wake me up like that." Quinn felt a small wave of regret course through her, desperately wishing she could be waking her for any other reason. "Wait, what time is it? It's still dark out."

"I know, baby, I'm sorry." She shifted, lifting her hand to brush the hair from Rachel's face while she yawned and sat upright in the bed, concern entering sleep filled eyes.

"What's wrong?"

_**I don't want to tell her, I don't want to take away the relaxed look she's had all week. **_

_**You have to.**_

_**I know, but I really don't want to.**_

"Hiram called."

"Is he ok?" She moved to stand, and Quinn put a comforting hand on her arm, stilling her.

"He's fine, but...it's Leroy. He's in the hospital. He was drinking and…I don't know all the details, but he must have mixed the wrong prescription meds with the alcohol, or not realized how much he took… he overdosed. He's in intensive care."

"What?" She was quiet for a minute before she finally stood and disappeared into the bathroom, without a word.

Quinn was sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling on a pair of socks, when Rachel re-entered the room.

"What are you doing?" She paused in the doorway, staring down at Quinn, clearly confused that she was obviously getting dressed.

_**Oh, she doesn't want me to go with her. Um, ouch.**_

_**Maybe it's not that. Maybe she just thought you wouldn't because of your history with Leroy.**_

"Did you not want me to come to the hospital with you?" She moved her foot back down to the floor, concern filling her features.

"I'm not going to the hospital." She dropped her eyes from Quinn's, tucking her hair behind her ears as she ducked her head, quickly moving to her side of the bed.

_**Well, that's not good.**_

"Rach, you don't mean that."

"Hiram's there, which I still don't entirely understand…" She trailed off and put her phone back on the night table, climbing into the bed and pulling the blankets over her legs as she leaned her back against the head board.

_**How can she possibly not understand that? **_

"You'd be there if I was in the hospital."

"You haven't done the things he has."

_**I've hurt you just as much as he's hurt Hiram, Rach…**_

"So if we were having problems and I was in the emergency room you wouldn't show up?"

"It's not the same thing."

"They've been married for a long time…I can't even imagine the bond they must have."

_**If I love you this much now, imagine how much more I'll love you when we've been together for as long as they have…I can't even fathom him not being there.**_

"He's not that man anymore."

"Are you…" She turned, lifting her leg up onto the bed as she faced Rachel. "…are you angry with Hiram for going?"

"A little." She dropped her gaze again, opting to stare at her hands instead, rolling her eyes slightly as she heard Quinn sigh softly.

_**That's kind of hypocritical…**_

_**Perhaps you shouldn't say that.**_

_**She hates Leroy for his disapproval of our relationship, and she's mad at Hiram for loving his husband?**_

_**I don't think she's looking at it that way.**_

"You can't be serious, Rachel."

"Why not?"

"He's his-"

"Yeah well he hasn't been acting like it." Her eyes blazed as she lifted them back up to meet Quinn's, her voice suddenly angry.

_**You think I remembered anything but how much I loved you when you were bleeding in that car?**_

"You think that makes a difference to Hiram right now? If you were in the hospital I wouldn't be thinking about the bad times. We had just had a fight and all I could think about when you were in that car was how much I loved you."

"Well he can lie to himself all he wants, I'm not going to do it."

"Look, I understand that you're upset with him, but don't you think you might regret it if-"

"Would you go see your father in the hospital?"

"We've been through this, Leroy isn't my father. My father's a monster, Leroy's just-"

"Don't make excuses for him."

"I'm not making excuses…look I just…" She paused taking a deep calming breath, trying not to get annoyed, knowing Rachel was hurting underneath her anger. "If you don't go down there you might regret it later."

"I don't care."

"Rachel, don't be childish."

_**You said that out loud.**_

_**Son of a bitch, wake up and do your damn job.**_

"Excuse me?" She threw the covers off of herself, standing angrily, her hands going to her hips while she glared down at Quinn.

"Look, your making a rash decision because your angry, and I get that things haven't exactly been going well between you two…believe me I get that, but you can't honestly tell me that you're ok with ignoring someone that's so clearly in pain, especially someone that you've loved so deeply in the past…this is your father, Rachel."

"That man is not my father."

"He is, whether you're too lost in your stubborn anger to admit it right now or not. He's the man that used to hold you and bring you a glass of water when you cried, the man that sat in the front row of every performance you've ever been in…the man that-"

"The man that threw me out of the house, that actually slapped me because I wasn't turning out to be who he wanted me to be, the man that attacked you viciously twice just because of some stupid repressed anger he had at his own father…just because he was angry and directed it at you instead of where it belonged, instead of dealing with the things he should have. He should have just gotten the help he needed and tried to work things out instead of repeating the same mistakes over and over again."

"Well then I guess we know where you get your stubbornness from." She regretted it the second the words left her mouth, internally wincing while she watched Rachel tense even further, her eyes hardening. She stood when Rachel silently stormed out of the room. "Where are you going?"

_**What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you say that?**_

_**Do you ever act like a filter or are you completely useless except to tell me when I've fucked up?**_

_**It's late, I'm tired…**_

_**How's that excuse working for you?**_

"To the guest bedroom."

"Rachel, I didn't mean that, I'm sorry." She stopped just short of the door slamming into her face, sighing heavily as she tried the knob only to find it locked. "Baby, open the door, I'm sorry."

"Leave me alone."

"Come on, Rach, I didn't mean that."

_**That's a total lie. **_

_**Fine I meant it, but not the way it came out.**_

"Yes you did."

"Fine, I did. You can be really stubborn, Rach, and I can't stand to see you hurting like this. I don't want you to make decisions out of anger, when I know what it's like to regret some of the choices you've made based on reactions you've had in the heat of the moment."

"Go away."

"I'm not going to do that, and you know it, so just unlock the door…you'll feel guilty if I spend the night in this hallway."

_**Trust me, I know that first hand.**_

She tried the door again, sighing again when it remained locked, shifting to slide down the wall beside her.

"I'm going to sit here until you open the door, Rach." She glanced up when the door flung open, an angry Rachel standing over her, tears slowly slipping down her cheeks.

"What do you want from me?"

_**I want you to not be hurting anymore.**_

_**I want Leroy to have woken up from this, to realize what he's throwing away.**_

"I want you to come back to our bedroom."

"Why?"

"Because I love you, and I don't want you to be alone right now."

"Yeah, you love me so much you felt the need to start a fight with me when I'm clearly already upset." She folded her arms over her chest, watching as Quinn stood up and moved closer to her.

"That's exactly right."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"Baby, I'd rather you hurt more now than let you make a mistake that will cause you pain for the rest of your life. Regret can mess with you in ways that I'm not even sure I can express." She took another step closer, pulling Rachel against her, feeling a modicum of relief when she felt the folded arms drop to circle around her in return.

_**There are so many things I regret, I don't want you to be haunted like I am by things you wish you had done differently.**_

"I'm not going."

"Okay, how about this. We don't have to go tonight, but please _really_ think about the possibility of going tomorrow."

"Fine."

"Come back to bed." She felt Rachel nod against her chest, and released her enough to lead her back into the bedroom, immediately pulling her into her arms once they were under the covers. "You know, I can think of a few people that would have told you not to come visit me if I was in the hospital during the few days that I thought we were broken up."

"Like I would have listened."

"That's my point, Rach, I wouldn't have deserved the visit at the time, and you still would have come."

"Well, I love you."

"And Hiram loves Leroy. You think that just stops? That it just magically goes away when someone does something to hurt you?"

"No." She sighed against Quinn's chest. "Fine, I won't stay mad at my dad…but you can't make me visit Leroy."

"I'm not trying to make you do anything, Rach. I just really think you should go. I know this will probably incur your wrath again, but you're doing the same thing he is, you're refusing to deal with the situation."

_**I should know, avoidance has been my specialty for so long.**_

"I don't want to fight anymore right now. We've been back in Lima for less than a day, and we're already fighting. I don't want to feel like New York was the dream and this is the reality, we're always fighting lately."

_**Oh baby, we're fine…I promise.**_

"We're not fighting, it's just a small disagreement."

"Now your going to fight with me about whether or not we're fighting?"

_**How do you always manage to think one thing and say another… if you just said what you were thinking things would usually go a lot more smoothly.**_

_**Yeah because things went really well earlier when I said what I was thinking accidentally.**_

_**I said usually…**_

"No, I…this isn't about anything being wrong between us, Rach, it's about me loving you and wanting to help you deal with things before we leave so they don't follow us." She tightened her arms around the body that was still tense in her arms. "We're going to be fine, baby, I promise…I just want to start with a clean slate in New York, and we can't do that if you're still carrying things you chose to avoid while we were still here."

"I said I'd think about it." She rolled over, pulling Quinn's arms around her and holding them against her stomach, effectively ending the conversation. Quinn felt the tension in her shoulders increase just a fraction more when she settled in behind her, wishing they could have just stayed in New York.

Quinn sighed as Rachel sat silently beside her in glee club. Nothing about this day had gone well, and she could feel the tension radiating off of Rachel while she sat slightly turned away from her. The day had even begun badly, Rachel ignoring any attempt at conversation Quinn had tried to make. She wasn't entirely sure why she was giving her the silent treatment, she thought they had ended things on a better note the night before when they had finally fallen asleep in each other's arms.

Things only seemed to get worse as the day progressed, Rachel even going as far as to shake her off before telling her not to touch her when Quinn tried to take her hand during their ridiculously uncomfortable lunch with Kurt and Blaine. She had honestly wanted to get up and walk away from the table, hurt more than she cared to admit, but Kurt had smiled softly and thrown his arm around her. Rachel rolled her eyes in response, clearly noticing the look on Quinn's face and opting to ignore it. She contemplated walking away from the table a second time when Rachel refused to respond to her when she offered her some of her lunch, staying only because she noticed the sheen of tears that misted Rachel's eyes.

She was going over the previous night in her head, trying desperately to figure out how things had gotten to this point from where she thought they were when she had finally fallen asleep…when she realized Mr. Schue was saying something about Rachel's father at the front of the classroom. She rolled her eyes, seriously trying to figure out if the teacher had a single brain cell in that chia pet he called a head when Rachel suddenly stood and walked quickly out of the room.

"Great. Just great."

"What? I was just offering our support, what happened?"

"Seriously anything about Leroy was the wrong thing to say, Mr. Schue." She stood, pausing to grab her bag before heading for the door. "Can't you ever just teach music instead of getting involved in things that are seriously none of your business?"

"Quinn, I care, I'm your teacher."

"Really? Because you're always trying so hard to be one of us that it's hard to tell sometimes."

"That was out of line, Quinn."

"Well, that makes two of us now doesn't it?" She turned and left the room before he could respond, briefly wondering who had told that man he was good at being sensitive before wandering off to find Rachel. She found her sitting on the steps that led down toward the parking lot. She silently settled down beside her, careful not to touch her as she did so.

"Are you ok?"

"Do I seem ok to you?"

_**No, not even a little.**_

"I'm not sure what you are right now, Rachel. This is the first time you've spoken to me all day, which I have to say, is really confusing."

"I needed to think."

"About how much you hate me for some reason? Because that's what it has seemed like all day."

"I know…I'm sorry. I've been more than a little angry with you today."

_**I don't understand what I did that deserves this level of anger.**_

_**I don't think it really has anything to do with what you did or didn't do.**_

"Care to share why? Falling asleep in my arms doesn't usually indicate that my day will involve the silent treatment."

"Why did you have to push me last night?"

_**Is it possible to experience déjà vu backwards?**_

"Isn't that usually my line?"

"Drop the attitude, Quinn."

_**Seriously? **_

"So you can treat me like…no, wait, I'm going to take a deep breath and calm down, and be understanding here." She closed her eyes for a minute, silently counting to ten before opening them to focus on Rachel again. "I told you why I was pushing you last night. I don't want this to be a problem that follows us because you never dealt with it."

"Why can you choose to cut people out of your life but I can't?"

"I never said that. I just think you're reacting out of anger and not thinking about how it'll effect you when that dissipates. Anger doesn't last forever, but the things you do while you're feeling it do."

"I don't want to go down there, I don't want to walk into that room and see him like that and feel bad for him. He doesn't deserve that. I don't want to give him the opportunity to talk his way out of anything just because he looks damaged. I want to stay angry."

"What will staying angry do?"

"It'll keep me from ever even considering trying to forgive him. I can't do that. Not this time. I've forgiven so many people for so many things, and I just don't want to this time…"

_**You mean you've forgiven me…**_

_**Did I take too much from her?**_

"I'm sorry. It's my fault you've changed so much."

"Changing this about myself isn't a bad thing, Quinn. I don't regret forgiving you, I never will…but there are other times I've let people walk all over me because I've refused to see anything but good in them. Look at Finn…I gave myself to him and I never should have, and all because I refused to see the bad in him until it was too late."

_**I never wanted that to change about you, I didn't mean for that to happen.**_

"I always thought it was amazing how you could see the good in people."

"You're the only person that I don't regret doing that with, do you realize that? I let Finn destroy my innocence, I let the entire school torture me for years, and I let Leroy hurt you because I refused to walk away from him sooner…I let him damage us."

_**Baby, we're going to be fine, I don't blame you for his actions. **_

_**If anything I let them bring us closer together.**_

"You're stronger for it, we're stronger for it."

"That doesn't mean it didn't change me. He's made me so angry that I was horrible to you all day just because you care enough to want to protect me from myself. Believe me, I saw that I was angry at the wrong person today, which just made things worse."

_**Come on, I've done that to you how many times?**_

"It's fine."

"It didn't look fine at lunch."

"Ok, yes, that hurt…but I understand."

_**Just please don't ever do that again.**_

"Then why are you still afraid to touch me?"

_**Because I couldn't take it if you did that again.**_

"I'm not afraid, Rach, I was just giving you the space you clearly requested. Come here." She wrapped her arms around her, pulling her as close as she could while still sitting on the cement steps.

"Is it ok if we stop at the hospital on the way home? I want to make all of this, stop…and you're right, I can't do that if I'm running away from it."

_**See, it was worth it to get her to deal with it. **_

Quinn leaned against the wall behind her, arms folded over her chest while she listened to the conversation through the open doorway beside her, finding it difficult to stay out of the situation as she heard the pain in Rachel's voice.

"Rachel, I'm so glad you're here…I wasn't sure you'd come."

"I almost didn't. Quinn convinced me to come here."

"Why would she do that? She must hate me."

_**I'm trying not to hate these days.**_

"She did it because she loves me."

"Rachel-"

"Don't. It's taking more than you can even begin to imagine for me to stand here and talk to you, and if you insult her I'm not going to be able to say what I came here to say."

"I just wanted what was best for you."

"No, you didn't. You let what happened in your life bleed into what was going on in mine, and I'm here so I don't make the same mistakes you have. You never even tried to get to know her for who she is, you heard the word…stripper and never looked past that. I'm sorry for what grandpa did, I really am, but that didn't excuse you're behavior towards her…or towards me."

_**She has trouble even saying it.**_

_**Don't do that, Quinn, think…she had trouble saying it because she knows what he's thinking when she does. She can't take someone thinking about you like that. It's a good thing. **_

_**Okay, you're right.**_

"But her behavior is excusable?"

"Do you seriously want to compare yourself to an abused teenager? You're in your forties, she was sixteen when she did all those things to me. You found out your father lied to you, which isn't ideal, but it's not half of what she went through. You broke into pieces because of a lie, that's it, just a lie. He wasn't cruel to you, he didn't hurt you, he just kept a secret from you. He wasn't who you thought he was, so what? What parent really is when you get to know them as an actual human being with flaws?"

_**She's so insightful and intelligent, I can't believe I missed that when we were younger.**_

"I never claimed to be perfect, Rachel."

"Perfect? You've turned into someone I don't even want to know. Do you have any idea what you've done?"

"I know I did some things I shouldn't have but does that really mean you don't want your father in your life anymore?"

"I would have wanted my father in my life, if that's who you still were. I don't even see a glimpse of the father I knew anymore."

_**I'm so sorry Rachel, I wish you could have him back, why couldn't he have just realized what he was doing?**_

"I realize I've never hit you before, and I'm sorry for that. I really am, Rachel…"

"That's what you think this is about, a little slap? You don't even see what you've become. When I was little you promised you'd never let anything bad happen to me, and…I believed you. I never thought that you could be what I would actually need protection from. People are capable of such monstrous acts, and to be able to hurt someone that has faced an actual monster and not feel bad about it…You're just as bad as him, and you don't even know it."

"Rachel it's not that simple."

"It is. The things he did to her, you knew about them, every detail of them and you still looked at her and couldn't feel anything but hate because of your own pointless anger. She's been through things that you can't even fathom, and it's turned her into this sweet, kind, loving person…and you…"

_**No one's ever talked about me like that before, in my entire life…how does she look at me and see that?**_

_**Because that's how you are with her when you're being yourself. That's who you've been working so hard to become.**_

_**I guess I have…this is real, we're here…past the worst of it.**_

"I didn't know what I was doing, Rachel, I wasn't thinking clearly, I was-"

"What, drinking? Yeah, so was Russell Fabray. Do you think that excuse makes me hate him any less, because it doesn't."

_**She loves you so much, do you realize that?**_

_**Yeah, I really do.**_

"I'm going to get help, Rachel. I promise."

"Good, I'm glad. I hope it works out for you, I really do."

"I'm going to go into this rehab program, and start going to a therapist, and then we can start over again."

"No. I'm sorry, we can't. That's why I came here. I don't want this following us to New York. You've caused so many problems in my relationship...she should have walked away from me you know. You hit her, more than once, and she just kept on giving you chances because she wanted me to be happy."

_**I can't walk away from you, I love you too much. **_

"Maybe she's not who I thought she was."

"It's too late for you to realize that now…I need to know something."

"What?"

"Did you do this on purpose? Are you in here because you thought that if you tried to kill yourself everyone would feel bad for you and forgive you?"

_**That's what she's been thinking? Why didn't she tell me?**_

"Rachel, that's a horrible thing to say."

"Dad's a doctor, you've been with him long enough to know what to take to end up in here without actually killing yourself."

"You really think I could be that manipulative?"

"I think you dug yourself too far down to get out, and knew it. I think you thought that you could scare us into working things out with you. I think…that's exactly what you did."

"I don't know what to say."

"I don't want you in my life anymore. I came here to tell you that. I need to put this behind me. I have an amazing life waiting for me, with someone that has had enough happen to her for several lifetimes. I want to walk away from Lima knowing that nothing here can follow us and hurt her ever again. Goodbye, Leroy. I hope things get better for you."

_**She's doing this for you, being strong for you.**_

_**I know, and for once I'm going to let her. She's right, we're finally here, ready for this future that I could never really see before…and it's so promising.**_

"Your father's taking me back. Are you going to banish him from your life too?"

"That's his choice to make. You won't ever be welcome in our home, or our lives, and I know he'll respect that if I ask him to. And if you love him even half as much as Quinn loves me, you'll fight your own needs and walk away from him the way she fought to stay with me."

_**I don't even know how to express what I'm feeling right now.**_

_**You did it, together. You actually made it, you realize that right? This, right now, her walking away from him…it's the last of it. You're free now, there's nothing left to come between you ever again.**_

"You just chose trash over your own family. What do you know about relationships?"

"Well, clearly I know which ones can't be saved, and which ones are worth fighting for."

_**I love you so much, Rachel.**_

Quinn grabbed her arm as she passed through the doorway, turning her around, closing the final distance while she lifted her hand to cup her cheek even as her lips met Rachels'. She quickly melted into the kiss, surprise disappearing as she felt the urgency in the touch. She pulled back, resting her forehead against Rachel's, mild confusion staring back at her from dark depths as she smiled tenderly still holding her close.

_**Our life starts right now, right this second.**_

"If everything I went through was what it took to bring me you, I'd do it all over again exactly the same way." She closed her eyes as she felt Rachel lean into her, closing the distance, their lips coming together once again. She smiled into the kiss, feeling a weight lifting from her shoulders. For so long she had been afraid to look forward, afraid that everything would push down on them until they broke under the weight. But as she stood there, listening to Rachel as she spoke confidently through such pain, drawing from the strength of what they had worked through so much to build…she realized they had made it. All that was left was for them to leave Lima and move forward together into whatever they wanted to be. They had overcome Quinn's past, Finn's obsession, the school, the town, and her father's hate. She used to look into the future and see everything that could happen to tear them apart….but now when Quinn looked forward all she saw was Rachel.

**Four Years Later**

Rectangles of light elongated then slanted sideways before melting back into their surroundings on the faded ceiling as she lay awake studying the cracks in the ceiling…silently listening to the cars that passed by while their headlights produced the meaningless puppet show above her head. She pulled the blanket up a little further around herself as a cool breeze shifted the curtains by her head, more for comfort than actual warmth. She had called this place home for six months, and now that it was her last night, she realized that nothing about it felt even remotely like a home. In fact, every time she walked into the apartment she was reminded of everything that was missing, everything she had left behind in New York. This final semester was supposedly the opportunity she had worked so hard for throughout her college experience, the big senior project working with someone so well known that it would jump start her career. It had opened several doors for her, and she found herself in the position to have her pick of projects to move on to…and that really didn't mean as much as it should to her. She only really wanted one job, and while she had convinced her mentor to get her in touch with the right people, she was consumed with anxiety over the impending flight back to the United States…back to New York…back to everything she knew might not be waiting for her anymore.

Her agent had quirked an eyebrow at her when she asked him to initiate the buy-out of the producers of the revival of Cabaret, negotiating her right to choose the female lead in the production, she tried to shrug it off with an explanation that she knew the perfect rising star for the role. He clearly hadn't believed a word she said, especially when she made it perfectly clear that her name was not to be mentioned to anyone in conjunction to the project until rehearsals began. She had to admit, she felt guilty lying to him about the situation…she felt even worse about trapping the woman into a role she probably wouldn't have taken if she knew who she would be working with. She had to do it though…she had to put herself in a position to see her…to be around her again. She just had to. She knew her decision to take the semester abroad had been a mistake…well rather the way she had taken it had been the mistake. There had barely been a conversation between them about it when she left, only an argument and that damn letter she left behind. The things they had been fighting about, the things she had been told by that damn boy that always seemed to be one step behind her…she had made her decisions out of fear when she was honest with herself about it.

She convinced herself as usual, when she left, that she was doing what was best for the woman she was leaving behind…but she knew the truth was that she was too scared to stay. She was terrified that things were falling apart for them, that she was on the verge of losing her forever and had run rather than face the reality of it. The last fight had pushed her over the edge and she had left the letter for her and boarded the plane that led her to this moment. The only brave thing she had done in the entire situation was the last part she had added to the letter, the offer to stay if she wanted her to…the suggestion that if she showed up at the airport before she left she would stay for her…the offer that had been ignored.

Now as she lay awake staring at that tattered ceiling, all she could think about was the anger…the pain that would be in brown eyes when they met her own in two days on that stage. All she could feel was her heart twisting as she anguished over the decisions she had made, over the idea that this had been a mistake…that maybe this time working together would make her hate her even more, instead of being a brilliant plan to win her back. What could possibly make her think she would give her another chance after… but she couldn't keep this up anymore, it was too painful. She had anything anyone could ever possibly want, except the one person that mattered to her, and now she had to do whatever it took to be with her again…to be with Rachel.

Quinn took a deep steadying breath, her hand wrapped around the cold metal of the door handle. She closed her eyes, steeling herself against the image of a familiar face smiling warmly at her, that flashed across her mind. Anxiety bubbled up from her stomach, threatening to overtake her, and she briefly considered turning around and walking away. She shouldn't be here, she should just let them continue on without her for another day, James could handle one more rehearsal without her.

_**You wanted this. You went through so much to get yourself into this situation.**_

_**I know. But what if it was a mistake to see her here first…maybe I should go to the apartment first…our apartment.**_

_**We've been over this. James knows you're supposed to be here today.**_

_**It's not fair to her.**_

_**You didn't delay your flight. Just open the door, walk down to the stage and be professional…it'll give her a chance to mull things over before you actually talk to each other. She's always better with things when she has time to think about them. **_

_**I don't think anything will make this better for her. She should hate me.**_

_**That's why you did this, she can hate you all she wants…but you still have to work together every day, she won't have a choice but to let you back into her life.**_

_**Yeah…that was kind of a horrible thing to do.**_

_**I know. But I need to find a way to have her in my life, to be around her again.**_

_**Good luck with that.**_

_**Yeah, that's not helpful.**_

_**When have I ever been helpful when you've done something stupid?**_

She opened her eyes, noticing the stiffness in her hand as she continued to clutch the handle entirely too tightly. The door opened silently, providing her with a modicum of relief, her heart rate picking up in speed when she straightened her shoulders heading confidently towards the stage. She could hear the low rumble of James' voice detailing the daily schedule. His voice fuzzed to a murmur at the back of her mind when her eyes moved to survey the various heads that were facing him. She let her gaze shift back towards James as he spotted her and smiled broadly, stopping his speech to announce her arrival. She made sure not to look at anyone, dropping her bag onto a nearby chair before finally working up the courage to turn to look at the group before her. Her hands began to shake slightly and she fisted them at her sides. She opened her mouth to introduce herself, freezing when her gaze finally swept across a familiar form, brown eyes lifting and locking into her own. Her mouth snapped back shut and swallowed with some difficulty, suddenly finding it hard to breathe as she stood held captive by those eyes that had once looked at her as if she was the only person in the world.

_**Um…you're seriously supposed to be talking.**_

_**I know. But I can't right now. I know how I'll sound.**_

_**Scared?**_

_**What do you think?**_

_**Well, you can't just stand here staring at her. Everyone can see the two of you.**_

_**She's staring at me too.**_

_**That's a mature response. Look away.**_

_**No. She's looking at me. I missed her so much.**_

_**She's looking angrily at you.**_

_**Yeah, but she's looking at me.**_

_**This isn't going well.**_

_**At least we're in the same room.**_

_**Here we go again.**_

Her eyes blinked rapidly several times when the dark gaze dropped away from her. She took a deep breath and dragged her focus back to her introduction, attempting to pretend she wasn't constantly looking back to the woman that avoided further eye contact. Her auto pilot kicked in, allowing her to give the speech she had prepared ahead of time, her heart still fluttering uncomfortably in her chest. She had given James rather specific instructions to work on the first three scenes in her absence, and he had obliged willingly. The Emcee took his place on stage, and she lifted her head to watch him. Subtly she followed Rachel's movements out of the corner of her eye as she took a seat a few rows behind Quinn, settling in to watch. Her heart rate picked up further, aware as she always was of Rachel's gaze on the back of her head, she had always been able to feel her eyes on her…it heated her from the inside out, making her feel like the only person in the room.

She tried to lose herself in her job, stopping them once the scene was over to walk up to the stage and stand beside him, showing him her notes as she adjusted the scene to fit the vision she had in her mind. Her level of tension was increasing steadily with every second that ticked by, every muscle in her body painfully taut as she tried to ignore the way Rachel was watching her, eyes a mixture of pain and anger. The awkwardness she was exuding in waves seemed to make the cast pay that much more attention to each adjustment she made, everyone clearly attempting to ease whatever was bothering her. As the rehearsal progressed she found she was fairly happy with the way the scenes were going, despite the knowledge that she would have to find a way to eventually relax to a degree.

She stood from her chair, calling a dinner break as she headed over to James, flipping back to her first page of notes. Her eyes were focused on the pages in front of her, barely even noticing the people that drifted around her to wander off in search of dinner, a small sound of surprise escaping from her lips when her shoulder hit someone.

"Oh sorry I…" She stopped, her eyes meeting the angry brown gaze up close for the first time, and she took a step back, bracing herself for whatever was coming. Emotions shifted across Rachel's face, a light sheen of tears making them glow under the stage lights. She looked away for a second when James called out to her, gesturing for him to give her a minute, before she turned her head back right into the hand that met her face…hard.

The entire theatre silenced, James stopping mid stride, his jaw dropping open. Quinn's hand lifted to her burning cheek, her focus returning to the woman standing before her, arms folded the battle between hurt and rage playing across her face.

_**And there's the greeting I was expecting.**_

"A letter!"

_**Coward. **_

"I know."

"A god damn letter."

"I know. I'm sorry."

_**Because I'm sorry is enough to make up for leaving her?**_

_**Shut up.**_

"You're sorry?"

"Um…Quinn…" James put a hand on Quinn's shoulder as he stepped towards them. "Everything okay over here? Do we need to-"

"Everything's fine. Can we talk somewhere else please? I don't want to do this here."

"Then you shouldn't have ambushed me like this, you should have come to see me instead of just showing up here."

_**I told you…you should have skipped today. You should have gone to the apartment.**_

"I was going to, my flight was delayed…Please Rachel."

"Because I owe you so much?" She rolled her eyes, turning and stalking off the stage, heading quickly away from the various sets of eyes that stared after her.

"Excuse me please James…go take your break, we can discuss my notes when you get back."

She handed him her notebook before following Rachel's path towards her dressing room, pausing to take a deep breath when she approached the slightly open door. The door clicked quietly shut behind her, she leaned against it while she watched Rachel pace back and forth across the small room, attempting to ignore the insistent thrumming of her heartbeat against her chest.

"You deserved that."

_**I deserve more than that.**_

"I know I did. I just…you could have waited for a less public moment."

"I learned not to care what people think anymore, I've had enough of that for one lifetime."

"Yeah I heard."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

_**It means, we kept our relationship a secret for your career, and you went and slept around the second I was gone and ruined all of that.**_

_**That's not fair to her and you know it.**_

_**You can't expect me to be ok with her sleeping around.**_

_**You don't know how much of that's really true. Besides you left her. Did you really expect her to stay single? Did you really think she would just pine over you and wait for you? **_

_**No, but I still don't have to like it.**_

"Your exploits haven't exactly been discreet."

"Did you have someone spying on me?"

"No. James…he mentioned that he was worried about working with you. Something about problems with you getting a little too close to some of your co-stars in your last show."

"Fantastic."

"I'll talk to him, I'll protect you."

_**I need to protect you. I need to feel like I'm doing something to make up for hurting you.**_

"The only thing I've ever needed protection from is you."

_**That hurts.**_

_**It's true. Do you think anyone can hurt her the way you did?**_

_**I'm sorry. I'm trying…I made a mistake.**_

"It killed me that I hurt you Rachel."

"You don't actually expect me to believe that do you?"

_**You knew you lost her. You don't have the right to expect anything from her.**_

_**That doesn't mean I can handle it. I thought maybe, just maybe…**_

_**What? That it would be easier…that it wouldn't take months for her to even consider that she could ever potentially trust you even a little bit again?**_

_**It was a mistake, I panicked. **_

_**She let you use that excuse so many times in the past…did you think you had infinite chances?**_

_**No…I just can't take the way I feel without her.**_

"No." She dropped her gaze to the floor, uncomfortable silence stretching between them. An overwhelming emptiness began to fill her chest. This was the feeling that had kept her from running back…the complete paralyzing loss that always engulfed her whenever she imagined that look of hate in her eyes. Those eyes that used to look at her with so much love in them it would sometimes take her breath away.

"How could you do this to me? Just show up here like this."

"I didn't think you'd take the part otherwise."

"So you thought it would be a good idea to force me to work with you?"

"I needed to see you. I shouldn't have done it this way, but I didn't think you would even talk to me if I didn't find a way to-"

"Why are you here at all? After all this time, why did you suddenly feel the desperate need to force your way into my life? What do you want from me?"

_**I want you.**_

_**Look at her, do you really think she's going to take you back?**_

_**No.**_

"I…I just couldn't take it anymore. I needed to be around you again."

Rachel rolled her eyes up, her jaw tensing, one hand coming up to run against her own forehead. "You don't get to do this to me again. You don't get to just walk back into my life like nothing happened and expect me to welcome you with open arms."

"I don't-"

"You left. You left _me! _You can't just…you promised…" She trailed off long enough to swallow, attempting to regain her composure when her voice wavered. "…you promised you would never leave me!"

"I'd do anything to go back and-"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence." Her voice cracked slightly, and she turned away from her. "You don't have the right to make me feel like this. I was just starting to pick up the pieces, just starting to feel like I could breathe again and you had to choose now to-"

"I'm so sorry."

"You're always so sorry for everything, I'm so sick of listening to you apologize. How can you keep saying you're sorry all the time instead of thinking before you do things?"

"I never wanted to hurt you Rachel, everything I've ever done was for you."

She spun back around to face her, slightly more composed. "You've always been good at that, finding a way to justify something you've done out of fear."

"That's not fair, this hasn't been easy for me either. Do you really think I haven't been hurting just as much as you?"

Her head began to shake, eyes studying her briefly before she responded. "Honestly? I've been struggling to figure out if any of it meant anything to you at all. Was I a complete and total fool to believe that you were actually capable of feeling everything I thought you did for me? Tell me why I should believe it was real, that I wasn't just convenient comfort after you'd lost everything else."

"How can you say that to me? After everything we've been through together."

"You were a cold hearted bitch to me for most of our lives, why should the few years we were together outweigh that?"

"You can't really mean that. Rachel, you were everything to me."

"I don't believe you. I didn't even mean enough to you to get an explanation, a conversation. You were just gone."

"That was the only way I could actually walk away, I couldn't actually look at you, look at what I was losing and still be able to leave. I gave you the chance to stop me."

She shook her head and looked away, swallowing thickly. "I didn't get home from rehearsal until after you were long gone. I got to find an empty apartment, our empty apartment, and a letter with flight information that was completely useless. I got to look at the clock and realize it was too late for me to do anything to stop you from throwing away our entire relationship. Do you have any idea what that felt like? I didn't even have a say, I didn't even get the chance to tell you that you were being a complete idiot."

"I thought you just didn't want to stop me."

"After reading that letter I might not have tried to. I deserved better than that. We'll never know now, since I didn't actually have the opportunity to make that decision."

She closed her eyes, her voice barely a whisper. "I had to leave."

"I'm sure you have some elaborate justification for what you did, you always do, but I don't want to hear it. Just…get out."

"Rachel-"

"No. You found a way to force me to have to see you every day, but that doesn't mean I have to listen to whatever it is you have to say. I'll do my job…but I don't have to stand here and listen to your pathetic excuses."

She felt anger flare in her chest, and she took a step forward. "I wasn't the only one that made mistakes, we were having problems and you know it. You can pretend that everything was perfect when I left, but it's not true. You're the one that let someone else come between us, everything started to fall apart after your decision to let him back into our lives."

"Is that what you've been telling yourself? That's convenient. You always manage to come up with a way for your decisions to be someone else's fault, don't you?"

"You know what, fine. Put the whole thing on me. If that's what you need to make yourself feel better then go ahead and hate me unconditionally."

"Don't you get it? You're standing here, looking at me and I can't…I want to hate you, and I just can't…I should have that right! I've been fighting so hard to be angry, to try and push the pain down and just despise you, and it's impossible when you're right here and all I can do is wish more than anything that there could be an explanation that makes it so that four years of my life weren't a lie. I don't want any of this to have happened at all. I want to be able to go back and stop you and fix the problems I didn't see that we were having instead of wasting the relationship we put so much work into. And that's what I hate, that I feel that way. I hate that when I look at you I see regret."

"It was never a lie. I loved you so much…I love you so much I don't even know how I made it through the last six months without going insane."

"I don't believe you when you say that anymore."

Quinn felt tears threatening to spill from her yes, her arms lifting to wrap around herself, her head turning away from the woman staring up at her. She turned away when she heard the knock on the door, wiping away the tear that slipped from her eye.

"Yes?"

James opened the door, slipping in before closing it behind him. "Yeah so, everyone's ready to begin again…But, we can work on things without you if…" He trailed off, nervously shoving his hands in his pockets in response to the uncomfortable silence and palpable tension that filled the room.

"I…maybe I should just go."

"Go ahead, run away…it's what you do best." She pushed past Quinn, slamming the door behind her.


	20. Chapter 20

AN: Okay, so Rachel seems to be under attack in most of the reviews so far, with the exception of the one person that seems to understand what's going on here. So, Rachel should not 'be dumped' and is not a cruel horrible person. When she did what she did, they were broken up and Quinn had just left her. She had no idea there was even a problem and Quinn was just gone. That hurts. She was hurting and struck out while Quinn wasn't even there. The reviewer that talks about how Rachel must have been truly devastated because she's not cruel is dead on target. So thank you to that reviewer, you rock.

AN: Okay, pugetsound, I don't know who you are but get out of my head lol. I actually originally wrote the story without flashbacks but it really just made Quinn seem like a complete asshat without actually seeing her side of what happened and why she thought she needed to leave. So, yes there are flashbacks and they start in this chapter. They don't stay in a particular order, they happen as they are needed in the story to fit the chapter they start kind of just fitting into the tone of that chapter. Which means there are upsetting flashbacks and there are happy flashbacks to ease the tension and to explain not only why Quinn believed what she did and where she was coming from when she left, but also to explain Rachel's reasoning behind giving her another chance, to show how good things were for years so that Rachel seems less crazy for wanting Quinn back.

Also, I didn't separate the last past scene and the first present scene on purpose. I didn't want them to be two separate chapters to REALLY emphasize the polar opposite mind sets of Quinn really thinking their future would be fine without her fixing things to her looking back and realizing she fucked up because she never fixed things, not an oversight of me squishing things together, it was done for a reason Anyway. I hope you all are enjoying they new direction I went with all of this.

Chapter 20

_Quinn sighed when the notebooks she was balancing precariously on top of the bag of groceries tilted and slid across the floor. She shook her head and stuck one leg out behind her to close the door, tossing her keys into the bowl on the table against the wall before she bent to pick up everything had fallen. A warm feeling enveloped her when she heard Rachel's laugh ringing out from somewhere in the kitchen and she tossed the notebooks on the table before scooping up the grocery bag and heading in the direction of the familiar laugh. She faltered when she spotted Jesse standing beside her in the kitchen, casually leaning against the counter while she laughed and swatted at him with a dish towel. Every muscle in her body tensed while she stood watching them interact, her brow furrowing when she tuned in on the conversation._

"_I swear, I thought you were going to choke on your food when she recognized you from the show, you're really going to have to get used to the recognition Rachel."_

"_I just didn't expect to come across someone that had already seen it. It's only been a few weeks."_

"_Well, next time we go to a restaurant, I expect you to not almost die when a fan comes up to you."_

"_Oh come on, 'fan' is a little much."_

"_You're getting noticed, as you were always destined to be, you should embrace it."_

_Quinn cleared her throat, ignoring the look Jesse gave her when they both turned to face her, Rachel smiling broadly until Quinn dropped the bag on the counter and turned away without returning the smile. "I thought you were doing something at the theatre today? Isn't that why you said you couldn't have lunch?"_

"_Oh, um, yeah we were."_

_**She's lying.**_

_**I can see that.**_

"_Then how did someone recognize you at a restaurant?"_

_Jesse stepped forward, reaching around Quinn to grab the bottle of open wine behind her, filling his glass while he rolled his eyes. He re-filled Rachel's glass and bumped her hip with his own, smiling broadly at her before he put the wine bottle down and threw an arm around her shoulders.. "Everyone has to eat Quinn, there is such a thing called a break."_

_Her eyes settled on his arm around Rachel and she bit back the desire to physically remove it. "Is there a particular reason you're here Jesse?"_

_He leaned back against the counter again, smirking at her while he sipped the wine. "Aren't I always here?"_

"_Yeah, I think that was my point."_

_Rachel took a step forward, quickly offering Quinn a quick kiss hello, confusion crossing her features when the kiss was barely returned from the still tense Quinn. "We had one of the techs record the show last night, Jesse suggested we drink some wine and watch it together to see if we wanted to change anything in our performances."_

_Quinn turned away, beginning to put the groceries away. "Of course he did. Why didn't you call me to join you for lunch?"_

"_Oh um, no reason." She averted her gaze, and turned to hand Quinn the rest of the groceries from the bag._

_Quinn narrowed her eyes, recognizing the immediate change in Rachel's body language and the bigger smirk that filled Jesse's face. She sighed and shut the refrigerator door a little too hard before she walked away from the kitchen. _

_**She's lying. **_

_**I know.**_

_**And he's standing there looking all smug.**_

_**Yeah.**_

_**What do I do?**_

_**I don't know. **_

_**Why would she lie about it?**_

_**Why was she lying about what she had to do today?**_

_**Yeah, I don't know that either.**_

_**I don't want to think about that obnoxious look on his face. I don't want to think about her lying about what she was doing with him all day.**_

_**It's Rachel, she wouldn't—**_

_**What? Wouldn't what, exactly? Until recently, I never thought she'd lie to me about anything real either. **_

_**Yeah. In the past it's always been her trying to surprise you on holidays or your birthday, and now… **_

_**I don't know what to do. I can't confront her, it would come across as me accusing her of something when I'm really just going on how well I know her. I don't have any evidence. **_

_**Maybe you should get some. **_

_**Maybe I don't want any. **_

_**You can't just live in denial Quinn.**_

_**Why not?**_

_**Because it's never worked for you in the past.**_

_**I don't want to have to think about what this could mean.**_

_**Maybe it's—**_

_**Don't. She's been spending all of her free time with him. She's never anywhere without him lately, and he's always fucking touching her.**_

_**Yeah, and she lets him. **_

"_Quinn"_

_She barely turned her head when she heard Rachel say her name from somewhere behind her. Instead, she stiffened and opened the closed notebook that was laying ignored in front of her on the desk. "I'm working."_

"_What's wrong baby?" Her hands rested on Quinn's shoulders for a second before she slid them down so she could wrap her arms around her from behind, her head turning so she could drop a kiss on Quinn's neck before she rested her chin on one shoulder. _

_She couldn't stop herself, she stiffened even further. "You mean besides me being sick and tired of him always being around?"_

"_He's my co-star and one of my best friends, of course he's going to be around from time to time."_

"_He's not here from time to time Rach, he's ALWAYS here. Every time I walk in the damn door in my own home I see Jesse, lounging around."_

"_Why is that such a big deal? You're always working lately anyway."_

"_Yeah, and maybe when I'm not I'd like to actually spend time with my girlfriend without someone else hanging all over her and acting like he's the one dating her."_

_Rachel sighed and stood up, moving to lean against the desk next to Quinn so she could look at her. "We've been over this, he and I are just friends."_

"_Yeah, you've mentioned that."_

"_So what's your problem then?"_

"_Just forget it."_

"_Do you think maybe there could be one day this week where you come home and we don't have an argument?"_

"_I don't know, do you think I could come home one day this week without him being here?"_

"_Do you want me to ask him to leave?"_

"_What's the point?"_

_She threw her arms up in the air and pushed herself up from the desk. "What exactly do you want then Quinn? You don't want him here, but you don't want me to ask him to leave. Is there some third option that I'm completely missing here?"_

"_Forget it Rachel. I have work to do, go do whatever you want."_

"_So I'm supposed to just drop everything to pay attention to you, but when I want to talk you have work to do."_

"_This isn't really a conversation, so what's the point of me taking the time to have it."_

"_What's that supposed to mean?"_

"_It means, no matter what I say here you're still going to do whatever you want. It means, that if I say yes I want him to leave the night's ruined anyway so I might as well just work instead."_

"_Why? Why is the night ruined?"_

"_Maybe because we're already fighting and I've been home for all of fifteen minutes."_

"_And that's my fault?"_

"_You're the one that has to constantly have a fucking fan club following you around in the form of your ex boyfriend."_

"_You know what? Forget it. Enjoy your night alone with your precious work. I think I'll go out."_

_She sighed and threw the book in her hand down onto the desk, her hands coming up to rub her face. _

_**Damn it.**_

_**Yeah, um, you realize she was trying right?**_

_**I know.**_

_**You really need to stop with the defensive crap. What happened here? You had gotten so good at letting her in, at talking to her about everything as it happened. **_

_**That was before Jesse. That was before she started lying to me and sneaking around for god knows what.**_

_**Yeah. Before—**_

"_Do you know the statistics about the success rate of relationships that began in high school?"_

_She swiveled her chair around to look at him, her eyes narrowing while he leaned casually in the doorway. "Do you think I really care about the statistics of other peoples relationships?"_

"_It's a little selfish, don't you think?"_

"_What is?"_

"_Expecting her to stay with the person she started dating when she was only seventeen for the rest of her life."_

"_If she loves me, then I really don't see how it's selfish."_

"_Is she still in love with you?"_

_She paused, her eyes narrowing. "Excuse me?"_

"_Maybe she's realized that she wants to experience other things, other people. Maybe she's realized that she tied herself to one person when she was too young. Maybe it's finally occurred to her that she's outgrown this relationship."_

"_Maybe you don't know what you're talking about."_

"_Don't I? Which one of us does she talk to these days?"_

_She swallowed, fighting the urge to tell him to get out and never come back. "How do you know what goes on between us when you're not around? Do you honestly think she tells you every intimate detail of our relationship?"_

"_Hm, funny, I was going to say the same thing to you."_

_**Do NOT rise to the bait Quinn.**_

_**I seriously hate this man.**_

"_What do you want Jesse?"_

"_I just want Rachel to be truly happy, and she's not. Beyond that, I think you know she's not."_

"_No, what you want is for Rachel to be with you."_

_He smiled and folded his arms over his chest while he shifted to lean his back against the door frame. "Isn't it obvious that she wants the same?"_

"_No. It's not."_

_**Are you sure about that?**_

"_She's only twenty two Quinn. She has her whole life ahead of her. Tying herself down to you would be a huge mistake, and I think you know that too. I think, you've been pulling away lately because you know that."_

"_I think you should mind your own business." She turned back to her desk, trying to ignore the pain in her hand from clutching the arm of the chair too tightly._

"_She thinks she owes you, you know. She's still with you out of some misguided loyalty, not love. Why do you think she's starting distancing from you, lying about where she's been and what she's doing?"_

_She spun back around. "What?"_

_A gleam entered his eye, his smile broadening while he dropped his hands and calmly put them in his pockets shrugging before he turned away to leave the room. "Check her credit card receipts some time, I think you'd find she's not where she claimed more often than you think."_

"_Jesse." He turned back around to face her, eyebrows raised expectantly while he waited in silence for her to finish. Finally she shook her head and dropped her gaze to the floor, feeling the pain of the smug expression on his face. _

_Rachel appeared in the doorway, her clothes changed, a smile on her face while she looked up at Jesse. "What's going on?"_

"_Quinn and I were just talking about life choices."_

"_What?"_

"_She has a big one ahead of her…" He paused for emphasis before he turned back to focus on Rachel. "…You know her senior year will be over before she knows it."_

"_Yeah. Are we going out or what?"_

"_Of course."_

"_I called Kurt, he's going to meet us at the bar." She looped her arm through his and pulled him away from the doorway, her eyes only briefly resting on Quinn before she turned away. _

_**Say something.**_

_**Like what?**_

_**Anything.**_

_**There's nothing to say. I can't confront her with any of what he just said.**_

_**Why not? What if none of it's true?**_

_**What if it is? He's right, she's been lying to me. I have no idea where she is half of the time anymore.**_

_**Quinn, this is Rachel, you need to fight for her. **_

_**What if that's not what I need to do. What if I just need to let her be happy?**_

_**How can you be so sure you don't make her happy anymore?**_

_**Because, she doesn't seem happy. We fight a lot lately. She doesn't talk to me anymore. She talks to him. **_

_**Please don't just give up, just like that. Get up and follow her. Tell her you love her, show her you love her, talk to her about the opportunity you were given for your senior project. Maybe she'll want to go with you. Maybe you can whisk her away with you and get back to how amazing things were before he showed up. **_

_**What if I do all of that she still chooses him? I can't let her stay out of obligation you know.**_

_**Get up and follow her. **_

_ When she searched the crowd at Rachel's usual hangout with Kurt and couldn't spot them, she briefly considered the idea that maybe she'd lost touch to the point of not realizing where Rachel actually hung out anymore. A small ache formed in the pit of her stomach accompanying a feeling as though something was really starting to slip away from deep inside of her and she bit her lip to try to push it back away from her thoughts. She was ready to turn and leave when the crowd shifted and she spotted them off to the side towards the back of the bar, Jesse's arm around her waist while she laughed at something Kurt was saying to her. _

_Rachel's laugh drifted past Quinn's ears as the song ended and there was a lull before the next one began, and she briefly berated herself for taking the time to take a shower and get changed, then argue with herself for another twenty minutes before she actually left the apartment in search of her girlfriend. She knew Rachel's different laughs, knew that the woman was no longer sober. _

_When she reached Rachel she stopped, a pang shooting through her chest when Jesse leaned down to whisper something in her ear before leading her out to the dance floor, anger coursing through her when she saw the way they began to dance with each other. She was about to walk out, to just leave the bar when Rachel turned in the middle of dancing, one arm dropping from where they were raised above her head while she moved to the music to quirk a beckoning finger towards Quinn. She hesitated, finally moving out to join her when she saw fury in Jesse's eyes as he realized that he had completely lost Rachel's attention and who he had lost it to. _

_Once out on the dance floor, she slipped her arms around Rachel's waist, secretly loving the way her hands threaded together behind Quinn's neck while her arms rested on her shoulders, her face close to hers while she spoke right against her ear over the music. _

"_Hey, you."_

"_I'm sorry Rachel."_

"_Me too."_

"_Come home with me, please?"_

_Rachel pulled back to look at her, confused, while she continued to move to the music, her arms still wrapped around Quinn. She studied her for a while, finally nodding and slipping one arm down to tangle their fingers together, the other moving to tug on Jesse's shoulder so she could say something to him over the music. His eyes glared furiously over at Quinn while Rachel was speaking into his ear, the look magically disappearing when she pulled back and smiled at him. He quickly leaned forward and pulled her into a hug, shooting Quinn a quick smirk when Rachel hugged him back. _

_ Quinn silently wondered if Jesse would do the same while she gently helped Rachel change before tucking her into her side of the bed with a glass of water on the night table beside her. It never ceased to amaze her which parts of Rachel's equilibrium were always the first to go when she drank. The woman could dance, sing, and carry on entire conversations while drunk, but the second she tried to lift her shirt over her own head she always ended up trapped in it on her back laughing hysterically from the center of the bed. She smiled over at her in darkness when Quinn settled under the covers beside her, one hand coming to rest on Quinn's side to pull her closer so she could plant a kiss on her lips. When she pulled back, Quinn studied her, searching her eyes for answers to all of the questions Jesse had raised in her mind earlier in the evening. _

"_I love you Rachel. You know that right?"_

_Dark eyebrows came together in confusion and she pulled her head back a little on her pillow to focus on her better. "Of course. What's wrong baby?"_

_She dropped her eyes to the small strip of the tank top that crossed her shoulder. "I just… nothing. We've just been fighting a lot lately."_

"_People fight sometimes. We never stay angry for long."_

"_Yeah."_

"_Hey, talk to me."_

"_I um… do you…" She sighed and rolled onto her back to stare at the ceiling, slightly comforted when Rachel immediately slid closer to throw and arm and a leg across her body, her head resting on her shoulder. For a minute, she considered not saying anything at all, to just allow herself to get lost in the feel of Rachel's breath on her neck, of her hand gently tracing small circles on Quinn's arm. "…why did you lie to me today?"_

"_What?" Her head lifted from her shoulder and her body stiffened while she looked down at her in the darkness. _

"_I know you Rach, apparently better than you thought, because… just, tell me it's nothing and I'll believe you."_

"_What are you talking about?"_

"_Tell me that you lied to me for a good reason, that I don't have anything to worry about here, that you wouldn't actually keep anything big from me."_

"_Quinn, why do you think that I—"_

_She pulled away and sat up, bringing her arms around her own knees while she stared at the blanket in front of her. "Don't. Just, don't okay?"_

"_Why are you being like this?"_

"_You can't be serious. You've been lying to me for weeks now, here and there about where you've been and who you've been with."_

"_What makes you think—"_

"_I checked your credit card statement tonight. I know you've been lying to me, so just stop pretending."_

"_You, what?" Her voice raised in volume and she sat up beside her, the outraged incredulity unmistakable in her tone. "How dare you spy on me."_

"_I wouldn't have to if you weren't lying to me."_

"_I can't believe you did that. What the hell Quinn? If you have a problem with me you talk to me about it, you don't go behind my back and spy on me."_

"_Are you serious right now? You've been fucking lying Rachel. How am I supposed to talk to you if I can't trust you to tell me the truth?"_

_She averted her gaze, her voice raising an octave. "You have no idea what you're talking about."_

"_Then why won't you just tell me what's going on."_

"_Because nothing's going on!"_

"_How long am I supposed to pretend to believe that before I…" She trailed off, shifting to sit with her legs crossed while she stared down at her own hands in her lap. "… I was offered a chance to work on something for my senior project, something that everyone in my class would kill for. Maybe I should take it. Maybe we need some space."_

"_What the hell is that supposed to mean?"_

"_It means, that between the lying and your constant need to have someone else around whenever you're at home, maybe I'm being an idiot for thinking you're not trying to tell me something here."_

"_What could I—"_

_She blurted it out before she even realized she was saying it. "You don't owe me anything you know, you don't… I, I'm with you because I love you Rachel, I wouldn't stay for any other reason."_

_She was quiet for longer than Quinn would have liked. Finally, she surprised her by moving across the bed quickly to straddle her legs, forcing Quinn to meet her eye, her voice low and steady her eyes begging for something Quinn couldn't identify. "I don't know what that means, but I do know that you're kind of scaring me right now. You haven't acted like this in years."_

"_You think you're the one that's scared, try being in my head."_

"_Baby…" She rested her palm against the side of Quinn's face to pull her closer, briefly kissing the top of her head before she pressed her foreheads together. "I love you Quinn. I don't know why you suddenly doubt that, I don't know where all of this came from, but I'm right here."_

_**Yeah, but for how long…**_

_**You haven't thought anything like that for years.**_

_**I know. I didn't have a reason to, until now.**_

Quinn spent her first week back in New York throwing herself into rehearsals, purposefully avoiding any scenes that would require her to directly interact with Rachel. It wasn't difficult, and no one but Rachel seemed to even notice the order they were rehearsing the scenes was more than a little unusual compared to the way Quinn normally worked on a project. She alternated between regretting her decision to come back at all, and feeling like maybe her world was spinning out of control a little less than it had since she left, every time she felt that familiar gaze on her. She didn't even mind the less than subtle fury that was directed at her from Rachel every time she so much as entered the same room as her, actually finding it oddly comforting that she was so angry with her. Rachel, on the other hand seemed to be getting angrier as each day went by, obviously livid that Quinn was forcing her to sit on the sidelines while she worked with everyone but her. Quinn knew she was playing with fire, knew Rachel would find a way to get to her given enough time, to force her to be the one to break silent tension that was increasing uncomfortably as each rehearsal came and went with glares and small digs in Quinn's direction when everyone was out of ear shot.

When week two began Rachel seemed to come to the realization that she was actually the one with the power in the situation, her tactics shifting with her newly discovered knowledge. The calm indifference she exuded was keeping Quinn on edge while she waited for Rachel to pull whatever it was she was clearly planning to strike out at her with. It came towards the end of the rehearsal, Quinn's guard having finally dropped as the night wore on. At first she thought it might be in her head when she noticed Rachel talking at the edge of the stage with the choreographer.

To the casual observer, it seemed as though they were discussing the steps from the scene they had just gone over, Rachel running through them slowly while the choreographer watched occasionally adjusting an arm or a leg into the right position. Quinn, however, knew exactly what Rachel was doing. After Quinn had suggested they should keep their relationship a secret for the sake of Rachel's career, she had developed rather subtle ways of flirting with her girlfriend while she was directing. Now, as she stood watching the two women interacting, Quinn immediately recognized the looks, the change in her voice…the touches that were timed just right for effect. She also noticed that the dancer was responding exactly the way Rachel had intended, thoroughly entranced by Rachel's artful form of seduction.

When Quinn didn't immediately respond to the situation, Rachel increased her efforts, shooting glances toward her every time she got the choreographer to flirt back. By the time Quinn was getting ready to call the end of the rehearsal, she found herself seething silently, losing the fight against the desire to make her stop every time Rachel's expression dared her to rise to the bait.

_**She's trying to hurt you.**_

_**It's working.**_

_**I'm more than aware of that. **_

_**She's touching her…**_

_**Can we revisit past conversations about stabbing people?**_

_**No. You need to go up there and be calm about this.**_

_**But…she's touching her.**_

_**You said that already.**_

_**She's not supposed to touch someone else…**_

_**I think she would disagree.**_

_**Every touch just reminds me that she's been with other people, that someone else has touched her back.**_

_**Well, to be fair…**_

_**Okay, either be helpful or shut up.**_

_**Fine, go up there and talk to her but, be calm about it.**_

_**Yeah, because that's going to be easy to do.**_

She clenched her jaw and walked over to the two women, attempting a polite smile as she finally came to a stop beside them.

"Did you feel you needed to run through anything one final time before we all head home?"

"Oh, um I don't think so, everyone seems to be doing well with the steps."

"What about you Rachel? You seemed to be asking for extra help, do you feel comfortable with the steps?"

"I'm barely in the scene, I think I can manage."

"So you're fine with everything then?"

"I think I got enough instruction. Now, if you'll excuse me, we were in the middle of a conversation."

_**Did she really just say that?**_

"Maybe we can focus on the choreography right now, and save the shameless flirting for personal time."

"I wasn't working on anything at the moment. I believe I can talk to whomever I want in between my scenes." She rolled her eyes, winking at the girl that stood beside her before leaning in unnecessarily close and loudly whispering "Directors…" before laughing and lifting a hand to run it down the choreographers arm. "This shirt just looks so soft…is it cotton? I just love the feel of it…"

_**I might throw up…**_

_**Well that's a step up from wanting to stab people…**_

"Rachel."

"Anyway, about that drink…I happen to have a simply amazing bottle of wine from this wonderful little vineyard in France. It's my last bottle, but I really don't see any reason to save it. It has this rich, absolutely divine flavor to it…"

"You can't be serious…" The mumbled words escaped Quinn's lips before she even realized she was thinking it, and she sighed at herself, annoyed that she had actually said it out loud. She briefly hoped it was quiet enough for Rachel to just ignore…but then she wouldn't be Rachel if she let anything like that go.

"Problem Quinn?"

"Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"As I said, I'm in the middle of something here. If you have something to say please feel free to say it." She smirked slightly, clearly assuming that Quinn would just walk away.

"You can't really be this petty."

"Excuse me?" She turned at that, her hands going to her hips while she glared up into Quinn's eyes.

"You're really going to throw this in my face like this?"

"Not everything is about you, the world doesn't revolve around the great Quinn Fabray…I happen to like Stephanie, she's a fantastic dancer…and just so interesting to talk to."

_**Don't laugh.**_

_**She doesn't even know the girls name.**_

_**And you were actually getting worried that she would take this too far.**_

_**Well, she might have if she hadn't just called her by the wrong name.**_

"Um…my name is Christie." The girl folded her arms across her chest as she took a step back, an annoyed look filling her features.

"Yeah you seem to have a real connection." Quinn felt her lips quirk, and she quickly stifled the smirk for the sake of the angry choreographer that stood beside her.

_**Okay don't get smug.**_

_**Oh come on she's totally busted. **_

"I think I'm going to go now….it was nice meeting you Ms. Fabray…Rachel." Christie shot the fuming girl a slightly hurt, clearly angry look before turning and heading away from the stage.

Quinn smiled to herself, turning and heading towards the chair that held her bag, somewhat surprised when Rachel followed her.

"Was that really necessary? You didn't have to hurt Carly's feelings like that, I could have been enjoying getting to know her…"

"You mean Christie?"

"Whatever."

"I'm not the one that was using her shamelessly."

_**Ok, I guess you can be a little smug…**_

"What's your problem?"

"I was trying to find out if you needed a recap before CHRISTIE left for the night since we only have her for a limited amount of time before Mark comes back to replace her."

"You came over here because I was flirting with her."

_**Now who's busted…**_

_**Shut up, I have a legitimate excuse for coming over here.**_

_**Yeah okay…**_

"Now who thinks the world revolves around them?"

"If you didn't care then why were you watching me?"

"Oh come on Rachel you were trying to get to me…it's not like I just met you yesterday, you think I don't know your facial expressions…your body language?"

"Are you seriously suggesting that I would sleep with someone just to piss you off?"

_**I hope not…**_

Quinn turned to face her, looking around before taking her arm and pulling her over to the side of the theatre, lowering her voice almost to a whisper.

"Okay, then why did you mention that bottle of wine? I bought you that wine every year after we went to that vineyard…and you just happened to invite her back to my apartment to drink my wine when I walked over?"

_**That was our wine…our memories and you did that to hurt me.**_

_**It's getting really difficult to stay calm…**_

_**It was a pretty low blow.**_

"Oh so now it's just your apartment? You're the one that abandoned it, just like everything and everyone else you left behind. I'm the one that lived in it while you were off doing god knows what halfway across the world."

_**Me? You're the one with the reputation for sleeping with all your co-stars…while I was pining away like an idiot…**_

_**Calm down.**_

_**No. I haven't suggested even once that I should get to live in my own apartment, I'm stuck in a damn hotel room. **_

"I bought it, just like I bought everything in it."

"Not everything. Your money could never buy me."

"You sure about that?"

"Go fuck yourself."

"I don't need to, as I learned over the last few months there's always someone willing. I don't need to work quite as hard at it as you seem to…or have we forgotten which one of us was the outcast?"

_**That was kind of harsh.**_

_**If she can be hurtful, so can I.**_

_**Here we go again. Do you take stupid pills when I'm not looking?**_

"There she is. There's the head bitch of McKinley…what was that about not being that person anymore? Oh that's right, you only hide her when it's convenient."

"Oh come on Rachel, that's the worst thing I've ever said to you."

"Are you serious? Are we forgetting who the perpetrator of my daily torment was before you started to take your clothes of for strangers?"

"Keep your voice down, or—"

"Or what? Do you really think you can come up with a way to hurt me more than you already have?"

_**And there it is…**_

_**Yeah.**_

_**You've hurt her more than anyone ever has before, you realize that right?**_

_**I was just trying to…**_

_**To, what?**_

_**I don't even know anymore.**_

She froze, her mouth closing down on the reply that lay silent on her tongue, completely deflated by the pain evident in Rachel's voice. She averted her gaze before turning away from the defiant woman that stood expectantly before her.

"You really have no idea how much I regret what I did to you." Her voice was a whisper, and she didn't pause to see if Rachel had even heard her as she turned and grabbed her things, opting to leave before she could express how much Rachel's response had truly affected her.

Quinn had to admit that she expected anger, but hadn't really anticipated how she would deal with whatever Rachel chose to attack her with. By the time she arrived at the theatre the next day she had decided to work harder to fight the urge to give in to Rachel's attempts, convinced she needed to find a more constructive way to deal with the issues they had never actually resolved. She even managed to offer Rachel a smile, attempting to appear unaffected when it wasn't exactly returned. She actually thought the rehearsal could potentially go well until she looked up from her notes and finally took in Rachel's appearance. She was still in the clothes she had worn the day before, her hair was pulled up into a messy uncombed pony tail, large bags under her eyes displaying her level of exhaustion.

_**Okay, calm down that doesn't necessarily mean anything.**_

_**Rachel's morning routine does not involve dirty clothes and no make-up.**_

_**Maybe she—**_

Quinn felt heat rise to her cheeks when the choreographer walked in, also in the clothes from the day before. She knew her face was reddening, and she turned away from the stage, attempting to hide her expression from the few people that had already arrived.

_**How could she possibly have convinced that girl to sleep with her after she didn't even know what her name was?**_

_**Rachel's beautiful, she's more talented than anyone else here, and she's honed seduction down to an art over the years…do you really think she couldn't get whoever she wanted?**_

_**She honed it on me…**_

_**No, this can't be. There's got to be some sort of explanation. She said it herself, she wouldn't sleep with someone just to piss you off.**_

_**Are you sure about that?**_

_**It was ten minutes ago. What do I do? I can't possibly look at them all day knowing that she…oh god I think I'm going to be sick.**_

"Quinn?"

She froze, her back straightening when Rachel's voice softly spoke her name, anger suspiciously absent.

_**Why is she over here talking to me?**_

_**She sounds guilty…like she realizes she took things too far by actually having sex with someone out of spite. **_

_**No, this can't be. **_

_**You did this you know. **_

_**Shut up. I didn't want to have to see it.**_

_**Well you better suck it up she's talking to you.**_

"What?" She cringed slightly, fully aware of just how harsh her voice sounded, equally aware that Rachel would look hurt in response.

"Which scene are we starting with first?"

She turned at that, realizing her tone of voice had clearly caused her to come up with something random to ask her instead of saying whatever she had come over to say. She met red exhausted eyes, and she felt her stomach flip uncomfortably.

_**Um, is that alcohol?**_

_**Yeah, she kind of reeks of it.**_

_**God Rachel, what are you doing?**_

"Rachel…did you show up to rehearsal reeking of alcohol?"

"I don't really see how that's any of your business."

"Are you serious right now? You've always been professional, what the hell are you doing?"

"I am perfectly capable of rehearsing."

"Do you think that because it's me you can do whatever you want and get away with it? This is a job, one that a million actresses would kill for, what are you thinking? You can't show up to work like this. Go get cleaned up and be back on that stage ready to work in twenty minutes." She stalked away from the visibly angry Rachel, acutely aware that the cast was watching, gesturing towards the cast members that were already stretching beside the choreographer. "This goes for all of you…don't show up to my rehearsals hung over and smelling like a bar. This is the one and only warning I'll give…._everyone _is replaceable. If I feel you aren't committed to this production there's always talent waiting in the wings for their opportunity."

She could see Rachel glaring in her direction from the side of the stage, clearly furious that she had chosen to make such an example of her. She continued to ignore her even as she stormed off to her dressing room, instead focusing on the actors that were standing around her waiting for instruction. When Rachel appeared on the stage fifteen minutes later, in a fresh set of clothes, Quinn found herself even angrier than she had been when she had sent her off to clean up.

By the time their usual dinner break came and almost went, James cautiously interrupted her to inform her that they were running long. She paused, frowning while she begrudgingly allowed him to call break.

"Don't you think you're pushing her a little too hard?"

"Are you the director here James?"

"Quinn, come on, you made her do that number way too many times in a row…she had it down the first time."

"I'll be the one to decide when she has it."

"I understand that you're annoyed that she showed up in that condition, but seriously she's—"

"I didn't ask for your opinion." She sighed when he raised his hands before turning away from her, obviously frustrated.

_**Does alienating James really seem like the best idea right now? The whole cast is going to hate you if you keep this up.**_

_**I know…I'll figure out a way to fix it. **_

_**Because you're so good at fixing things?**_

_**Shut up, I can mostly write it off as being angry that two people showed up in that condition…especially our lead.**_

She focused on her notebook, waiting for everyone to leave so she wouldn't have to actually talk to anyone. She didn't notice Rachel watching, didn't notice when she came up behind her, waiting until the theatre cleared before confronting her.

"What's your problem Quinn?"

"Don't start with me right now."

"You wouldn't still be on the damn war path if this was just about me being hung over, so what's your deal?"

"I expect you to get the scene right, it's my job."

"I did that scene right the first five times you made me do it. Look around you, everyone's exhausted and rehearsal isn't even over…even the choreographer is struggling to keep up."

"Maybe you should have let her get some sleep last night then."

"What?"

"Are you going to stop with her or is James right about you? Is this what you've become? Are you going to sleep with my whole cast and ruin the entire show?"

"What the hell are you talking about? Is this about yesterday? I'm fairly certain flirting with someone…someone that's just temporarily stepping in at that, isn't going to ruin anything."

_**Is she serious? What the hell makes her think I don't know what's going on here?**_

"Do you think I'm an idiot, Rachel?"

"I'm getting there."

"You both came in late, reeking of alcohol, and wearing the same clothes you wore yesterday…it doesn't take a genius to figure out what that means. I have to admit I'm genuinely shocked that you got her to sleep with you after yesterday's little spectacle, but that doesn't change the fact that if you want to piss me off you should find a way to do it that doesn't interfere with your job." She closed her notebook and stood, turning to walk away.

"That's rid…no you know what, go ahead. Think whatever you want. Just stop taking it out on everyone."

"What are you trying to accomplish with this?"

"I'm not trying to do anything but rehearse today, Quinn. I actually came up to you earlier to say I thought I took things too far yesterday."

_**Yeah, right. Like she didn't do this just to get to me…**_

She stopped and turned to face her, voice even lower than it had been. "Would that be before or after you got her drunk and took her to our bed?"

"So that's what would bother you the most? Not that I had sex with her, but that it was there?" She paused when Quinn's shoulders stiffened, taking a step closer to her, her tone changing. "Would you like to know how many people I've brought back to that bed?"

_**Look what you did, you pushed her all day and now she's fighting back…**_

"Stop it."

"No, by all means, let's discuss my alleged escapades in as much detail as we possibly can."

"Rachel, stop." She turned, getting a few steps before Rachel grabbed her arm and spun her back around.

"What's the matter, Quinn? Did you expect me to spend every waking hour pining over you, never to let another person touch me ever again? Or did you just not take the reality of the situation into consideration? Did you think that I was only a sexual person because I had you, that I don't have my own needs?"

_**No, I can't hear this. Make her stop.**_

"You don't have to be cruel, Rachel, I don't need to know the details."

"No. You did this, you wanted things this way…so you should know exactly how many people have been in _our_ bed with me besides you." She spat the word 'our' out like venom, continuing to move forward towards Quinn, lowering her voice several octaves knowing exactly what the tone did to her.

_**Please don't do this, Rachel…I don't want to hear this…**_

Quinn allowed herself to be pushed back against the wall behind her, suddenly wishing everyone else hadn't left for dinner as Rachel glared up at her…knowing she wouldn't say this to her if even one other person was still within ear shot.

She could feel the blood draining from her face, her stomach lurching up uncomfortably, conflicting emotions draining every ounce of liquid from her mouth …the things she was saying were unbearable, but she was using that tone she had always reserved just for Quinn, and she was so close to her that she could feel the heat radiating off of her skin.

Her body hummed in response to the idea that she was close enough to touch, her muscles shaking with the effort it took not to lean into her. The air crackled between them as Rachel took a final step forward, her eyes dark, filled with something Quinn was trying to identify. It wasn't just anger anymore…she could actually see the struggle echoed in the brown eyes that glared up into her own. Rachel could hate her all she wanted but even she couldn't deny the overwhelming electricity that still sparked between them.

She swallowed thickly, fighting every inch of her own body as it begged her to lean down and kiss the woman that stood inches from her. She struggled to keep her breathing even while her tongue darted out to lick her suddenly dry lips, catching in between her teeth, her heartbeat picking up in speed, pounding painfully against her ribs. Rachel seemed to sense her thoughts and her eyes darted quickly to Quinn's lips…her body swaying involuntarily towards her, her eyes darkening considerably before she backed away from her, eyes downcast.

The air remained charged, heavy, until Rachel finally turned away and Quinn released the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. She closed her eyes, only reopening them when Rachel's voice finally broke the tension, this time soft…sad, her arms wrapped around herself, her shoulders slumped.

"No one's been in that bed since you left. I slept in it for a while, but as time passed I moved into the guest bedroom…it was too painful to be in there, everything reminded me of you. I…the idea of another woman touching me in our bed…"

"Rach…baby…" She quickly closed the distance between them, lifting her hands to wrap around the arms that were visibly rigid before her.

"Don't!" She pulled herself violently away, spinning to face her, eyes blazing again even as a tear slipped silently down one cheek. "You don't get to touch me, you don't get to call me…_that._"

_**That physically hurts.**_

_**Good.**_

"I'm sorry, it was just…habit."

"No, you don't get to sound hurt either." She moved forward, shoving Quinn away as hard as she could. "You don't get to pretend you're the one that's been suffering, been hurting the way I have."

"I didn't mean to…"

"You never mean to." She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath before focusing back on her again, clearly struggling against the emotions running through her. "And I didn't sleep with Carly."

"Christie."

"Whatever. I stayed at Kurt's apartment last night. We got drunk and talked about you. I don't know why she's in the same clothes as yesterday."

_**Damn it. **_

_**You know what amazes me? The way you always figure out how to screw things up even more than they already are…like all the time.**_

_**But they both…and yesterday she was trying to…I don't even know what to do now.**_

_**Let's focus on the fact that she could have let you believe it, and she's not…why is she admitting the truth to you?**_

"I don't understand why you're telling me this, any of it."

"Yesterday I thought that if I could hurt you like that it would make me feel better…but it didn't. If anything, it's making me feel worse….which is seriously pissing me off." She sighed heavily and wrapped her arms back around herself, eyes still on the floor. "I thought that if I could just hurt you back it might take some of the pain away…"

_**Does she really believe I wasn't in pain?**_

_**Why should she? You did the leaving.**_

_**Yeah but she has to know I wanted to stay…**_

"What makes you think I haven't been hurting just as much as you this entire time? I didn't leave you because I wanted to. I left because I thought it would hurt less than waiting for you to leave me."

"And that's supposed to make me feel better? You were still gone, really gone…and I couldn't do anything about it, you never gave me the chance…and don't you dare try to pretend you did, that letter was pathetic and you know it."

_**She's right…you took the easy way out.**_

_**It was never easy to walk away from Rachel.**_

_**Oh come on, you never would have been able to leave if she was right there in front of you.**_

"I should have talked to you, I just…I was terrified that you would tell me to go and I couldn't handle it."

"So better I get hurt than you?"

"No, I didn't say that."

"You didn't have to…I don't even know why I'm having this conversation with you, what's the point?"

_**The point is…it was too hard to be without you, I don't want to keep doing it…I miss you so much it hurts.**_

"We're going to be working together for a long time, if we talk maybe we can get to a place where it's not quite so difficult…maybe we can stop striking out at each other and—"

"I'm not ready to be anything but angry with you. I don't know if I ever will be."

_**You have to let her be angry…**_

_**But we could talk things out…I could ease some of the pain for both of us if we just get to a point where we can clear some of the air...if she understood where I was coming from maybe she could hurt less.**_

_**Do you really think you can just erase months of pain with some long overdue conversation…you should have talked to her when she was right there in front of you.**_

_**But if I could get her to see that this doesn't have to be over…that just because we never worked through our problems, that doesn't mean we couldn't have. Do six months really erase five years?**_

"Is this really doing anything but making things even worse? Wouldn't it make things easier if we just—"

"It's not my job to make things easier for you."

"Rach, I…" She trailed off as James re-entered the theater, surprised to find the two of them standing there.

"So Quinn, I was thinking we should work on one of Rachel's numbers, we haven't done much with them yet. Since you two are still working, maybe we can do 'Maybe this time' and then Rachel can take her break when everyone else gets back. Do you mind holding off on your break Rachel?"

Quinn sighed, slightly annoyed with herself for letting her anger at Rachel get the best of her. She had to admit she'd worked them too hard earlier. She closed her eyes as the two agreed to work on the scene she'd been dreading, knowing it would be uncomfortable to work one on one with her like that. She crossed the stage awkwardly, clearly tense while Rachel followed behind her. She pulled two chairs over to the spot she wanted them, avoiding brown eyes as she did so. She took a deep breath and turned to her, pointing to the chairs.

_**Focus on the vision you have for this scene, don't get distracted by her proximity.**_

_**When you say these things do you really think they're as easy as you make them sound?**_

_**Shut up and focus.**_

"This is where the chaise is going to be, I want you sitting on it while Cliff is talking to you, convincing you to keep the baby. He's going to come over and sit next to you, taking your hand while he delivers his last few lines before the song." She watched as Rachel nodded, taking her place in the chair. "The lights will dim slightly while the music starts so the spotlight on you is slightly visible, and he's going to freeze…I want him here but not an active part of the scene beyond you singing the first part of the song to him. You'll sing 'maybe this time' pause 'I'll be lucky' while looking down at his hand on yours, then turn to look into his eyes while raising your hand to cup his face as you sing 'maybe this time, he'll stay' pause 'maybe this time' pause and avert your gaze sadly, close your eyes 'for the first time, love won't hurry away'. Stand with your eyes still closed, and move forward towards the center of the stage where the microphone will be waiting for you, lifting your arms around yourself as your eyes open and you sing 'he will hold me fast' the lights are going to continue to dim as you approach the microphone until your hugging yourself alone in the spotlight by the time you get to 'I'll be home at last' with the apartment fading completely out for that line. 'Not a loser any more' pause and tighten your arms around yourself 'like the last time, and the time before', then I want you to shift the mood when you sing 'everybody' pause for emphasis 'loves a winner', we're shifting to bittersweet now your arms dropping to hold the microphone stand tightly. 'So nobody loved me' shift from a look of sad, bitter reflection to angry resentment 'lady peaceful' pause strengthen the anger and add an ironic undertone 'lady happy', you're going to close your eyes again as you sing 'that's what I long to be' when you open them I want you to look determined. From there…" She paused averting her gaze and blushing slightly. "I want you to do what you always do, lose yourself in the song and let the emotions take over. We both know you'll be in the mindset of the character by then, I've seen you perform this song before…you always end it perfectly." She let her eyes quickly catch Rachel's, noticing the slight sheen in them before turning to James. "Did everyone leave already?"

"Yeah."

"Ok, well…do you want to sit in for Cliff?"

_**Say yes, please say yes.**_

"I'd really rather he didn't." Rachel's voice was soft, hesitant.

_**Damn it. Why can't he be nicer to her, I don't want to do this.**_

_**You have to. **_

_**I knew I didn't want to do this damn scene.**_

_**Oh well then by all means, because it makes you uncomfortable let's never work on it. In fact, why don't we just cut it out of the show completely? **_

_**I hate you.**_

_**Stop whining and go sit down.**_

Quinn sighed, biting her bottom lip and silently cursing James for being such an ass to Rachel, before she turned and moved to take her place in the chair. She lifted her hand, hesitating, letting it hover over Rachel's until the woman lifted her own hand and pulled Quinn's down onto her own. Quinn closed her eyes, as she heard her sing the first line of the song…the emotion in her voice absolutely perfect. When she felt the familiar touch on her face, she opened her eyes, immediately regretting the decision to follow Rachel's request to fill in. She didn't even realize she was lifting her own hand to hold the touch against her cheek, until Rachel tried to pull her hand free to avert her gaze for the next line.

She let her go, feeling the loss of the touch immediately as she blinked back the tears she could feel gathering in her eyes. She brushed away the cold feeling that was overwhelming her while Rachel moved away from her, taking the heat of the moment with her. She stood, ignoring the look James was giving her as she took the two small steps down the low stage to the front row to sit in front of Rachel, wishing she didn't have to watch her sing this song even as her eyes lifted up to the expressive face of the woman that was clearly singing only to her.

When Rachel's eyes opened, Quinn lost herself in the performance, their gazes locked while Rachel performed the song flawlessly. She remained silent while Rachel finished the song, her eyes opening from her last note, her arms dropping back down to her sides as they locked eyes once again. James cleared his throat, and she jumped slightly, having no recollection of him taking the seat beside her.

_**Why does she have to look at me like that when she sings? **_

_**Because she's singing to you, she always has.**_

_**I used to love it when she did that. **_

"That was perfect. I don't think we need to run it again. You can take your break." She stood, turning away from the stage as she picked up her bag, digging through it to have a reason not to look at Rachel.

James stopped beside her. "You should go get something to eat. I'll start up with everyone until you get back."

She nodded absently, heading back stage to run some cold water over her face, pausing when she passed Rachel's door. She knocked softly, cringing at the tone in Rachel's voice when she responded quietly. She stepped into the room, guilt washing over her as she saw the tired expression on Rachel's face.

"I just wanted to make sure you were ok."

"I'm fine, just a little tired."

"I'm sorry for earlier, I made you do that scene too many times."

"You shouldn't punish the whole cast for something I did that pisses you off."

"I wasn't punishing anyone."

_**Liar.**_

"That's bull. You were pushing me way too hard earlier and you know it. I got that scene right the first time and you were just doing that out of spite."

_**Don't you dare try to deny that.**_

"You're right, I'm sorry, you did get it right."

"You're going to get a reputation for torturing your casts if you're not careful…"

"I know. I'm sorry. I just…the idea of you two together… I was so angry with you for showing up to rehearsal like that, you can't put me in that position, Rach. I can't let you get away with whatever you want. James already doesn't want to work with you. I don't need him to have more ammunition against you…we do have contracts. I couldn't buy out both producers. If you break contract, I can't protect you. Your reputation from your last show isn't exactly going to have producers lining up to work with you."

"James is wrong. I didn't sleep with the entire cast of my last production."

"I didn't say you did, but that doesn't mean there aren't rumors."

"This is your fault, you know…I wouldn't be in this position if you didn't leave."

"That's not fair…I didn't tell you to sleep with your co-stars. You could have handled yourself better."

"Excuse me for not being perfect while I was in so much pain. I didn't realize it was so easy for you to pick up the pieces of our shattered relationship and do everything right without any fallout."

"I'm not saying that, Rach…I made my share of mistakes too, but I didn't let myself get a reputation in the industry."

"Well I'm not as good as you at being emotionless."

"Rach—"

"I'm not saying I didn't screw up by sleeping with a few people I shouldn't have, but it's not going to happen again. I learned my lesson. It was hardly worth it anyway. I did to make myself feel better…to feel anything again, and all it did was make my life more complicated."

_**Please stop there…I don't want to hear more…**_

"I really don't need the details."

"I managed to hate you so much for a while then…"

_**I told you she hated you.**_

"Rach, don't."

"I hated you for making me feel like I was cheating on you when you were the one that left. I hated you because it didn't matter how long it had been or how many times I convinced myself you weren't coming back, I still felt guilty. I would have done anything at that point to hurt you back, even though you didn't know what was going on…and that's what ended up getting me in trouble."

"I wish more than anything in the world that I could take it back, that I could just never have left that letter. That I could have just told you I wanted to take that job and called you every day and flew home on the weekends and just…I wish I had been strong enough to hear you say those things to him and still stay and fight for you…" She trailed off, Rachel's words sinking in through her haze of guilt. "Wait, you wanted to hurt me…did you sleep with him? Is that what happened? You slept with him and he showed his true colors all over again?"

Rachel averted her gaze, moving away from her, sinking into a chair. "Do I really need to answer that?"

"I think you just did."

"Why can't I just hate you…it would be so much easier if I could look at you and feel nothing."

_**I can't believe she actually slept with him…all those things he said when I was still here…maybe…**_

_**Don't even think that...she loved you, she still loves you. She basically just said that…**_

_**Why did it have to be him?**_

"I knew it. I knew you wanted to sleep with him. I didn't want to believe it. You were always together and the way he was with you…it started when I was still here didn't it?"

"No. Not even a little."

_**I'm supposed to believe that?**_

"Don't lie to me, Rachel. He meant something to you once, and the way you two always were with each other, it was—"

"I'm not lying. The only reason it happened was because I was drunk and vulnerable. I never would have even thought of him like that again if you hadn't left. It was easier…"

"What does that even mean?"

"What do you think it means?" She stood again, her tone filling with pain, her eyes misting, her voice rising in volume. "I didn't have to feel when I was with him! With other women it was…when I closed my eyes, all I could see was you, all I could feel was you and I couldn't stand it, but with him I didn't have to feel anything at all. It was so much easier to not feel anything but the satisfaction that it would hurt you so fucking much if you knew."

_**I can't do this, I can't take this. It's too much.**_

_**Stop panicking. You don't handle things well when you panic.**_

_**How can I know this and...God I can picture it…**_

"Well now I know…"

"Good."

"Are you happy with that? Does the knowledge that you managed to hurt me so much with it make you feel better?"

"Why wouldn't it?"

_**I feel sick. How could she do that...with him. I never would have done something like that to her.**_

_**How do I close my eyes and not see him all over her?**_

"It really makes you feel better to know that you gave yourself to someone just to hurt me…that you let him screw you to get back at me? Did he enjoy it? Do you want to give me every little detail so it really hits me where it hurts? Maybe you'd like to tell me it was good, that it was what you wanted all along? Did you give a stellar performance? Or was I the one you were performing with?"

"Get out."

"No, come on, Rach…you wanted to be able to use it against me, here I am. Don't stop now. You want to get even, right? Isn't that what this is about? Getting even? Hurting me the way that I hurt you?" She took a step closer, grabbing her arm and spinning her until she was looking directly into her eyes. "You accused me of being the one that made our relationship a lie, so go ahead and tell me exactly how you fucked the guy you spent every waking second with, had all of those intimate scenes with on stage and yet supposedly felt nothing for while you were still with me. Come on Rachel, don't lose your nerve now, not when you have me right where you—"

"Fine! You want me to tell you the part that will hurt you the most?" She took a step closer, her eyes suddenly cold, her voice deepening with her anger. "I took him back to our apartment on your birthday and fucked him right on our bedroom floor. I willingly gave myself to him, on your night, in our bedroom. Now take your wounded look and get the hell out of my dressing room."


	21. Chapter 21

AN: Guest named Amanda, you asked so incredibly nicely that I decided to post another chapter, you have to wait a bit after this one though as I'm not finished with the chapter after this one yet. JR-Boone, I seriously laughed so hard I snorted when I read your review, you rock. Guest who decided that Quinn spent all of her time away pining and not sleeping with anyone else, spoiler alert, you are incredibly wrong. Quinn may have been devastated and missing Rachel but she hardly spend her time away chaste or alone. Also, she's not going to humiliate herself winning Rachel back, she is just going to finally fix her issues the way she should have in the first place. There's no humiliation just some entertaining romcom style circumstances and genuine work in the relationship itself. Don't keep reading if you don't want to, but you couldn't be further from the truth and I'd appreciate it if you kept your wildly inaccurate predictions to yourself next time. Never assume you know exactly where I'm going.

Also, you guys rock. Thank you so much for the wonderful reviews and giraffe noises. :D

p.s. in response to a new review… yes Rachel says she let Jesse flirt with her because the attention was nice. She means that she had only been with one person since high school and harmless flirting just gave her a little boost that human beings sometimes need when they are in a career that is constantly filled with criticism and negativity which acting very much can be. She did not know that Jesse wanted her back and she didn't spend time with him for the attention, she spent time with him because he was her co-star and they became friends while working together. He was supposedly helping her with planning things for Quinn and Rachel did not know he was interested in her at all which fits his rather devious persona.

Chapter 21

_Quinn paused outside the apartment door, her eyes still focused on the acceptance letter she had just opened. She carefully folded it and put it in her pocket, still uncertain as to whether or not she should actually take the opportunity or choose one of the other options that were laid out before her. Her eyes lingered on the door, her keys still in her other hand. Briefly, she considered turning around and taking a walk to clear her head, to weigh the possibilities. _

_**Maybe I shouldn't take it. Maybe I should just pick something here in New York. **_

_**You do realize that you can actually just talk to Rachel about this, instead of just yelling it in bits and pieces during an argument she probably doesn't even entirely remember, because she was, you know sort of drunk.**_

_**What if she wants me to take it?**_

_**What if she doesn't?**_

_**She could tell me to take it and I could go and open her right up for Jesse to swoop in and get his way.**_

_**You do realize that long distance relationships don't guarantee cheating or breaking up. You can fly home on the weekends, she can come visit you, going away for this might be what makes her realize how much she loves you when she misses you during the week. Besides, there's this crazy invention that allows people to talk from great distances, it's called a phone, I don't know if you've heard of it.**_

_**Shut up. **_

_**Seriously, go inside and talk to her. Tell her how amazing this opportunity is for you, she'll completely get that. This is a good thing Quinn.**_

_**I'm afraid to leave right now, while we're having issues. **_

_**You'll be back. **_

_**Yeah. **_

_**Talk to her. If you decide together that your relationship needs you here, then you'll take something else. Or maybe she'll go with you.**_

_**Rachel isn't going to leave right now, her play is seriously taking off since that write up, she's even supposed to get a t.v. interview next month. **_

_**Yeah I know that. Just talk to her.**_

_**Right, fine. **_

_She closed the door behind her, spotting Rachel's bag on the kitchen counter. She headed back towards the 'office' assuming she was going over lines since the apartment was so quiet. When she reached the partially open door, she paused as Jesse's voice filtered through the gap. _

"_I still think this whole thing is just a bad idea."_

"_Thanks for the support."_

"_Come on Rach, you know I support you, but I just think you're going about it all wrong."_

"_I'm not going to change my mind, so give it up."_

"_Fine. Whatever. Will you at least listen to my suggestions about how to go about it?"_

"_No. I've already thought about this, I've already decided how I'm going to do it. I don't need any more input."_

"_You're taking all of this way too far, you don't owe her anything."_

"_Jesse, stop. I need to do this right. After everything we've been through together, after everything she's done for me, the least I owe her is doing this the right way."_

"_How do you even know how she'll respond?"_

"_Because I know her, really know her."_

"_If you know her so well, then why didn't you know she'd realize you were lying to her?"_

"_Can we please not start that again? She hasn't brought it up again for almost two weeks."_

"_So your brilliant plan here is to hope she just, what, forgets about that until you don't have to lie anymore?"_

"_Why does it sound so horrible when you say it?"_

"_Because this whole thing is ridiculous."_

"_Let's just stop talking about it. She'll be home soon and I don't want her to over hear us and start asking questions that I'm not ready to answer."_

_Quinn slipped away from the room, realizing they were leaving the room and that she didn't have time to get to the front door, so she quickly disappeared up the stairs and safely into the guest bedroom. She closed the door behind her, sinking to the floor, her back against the wood while her hands lifted to cover her face. _

_**No. No. Just No.**_

_**What do I do?**_

_**I don't know, I just don't know.**_

_**I can't lose her. I can't.**_

_**I don't understand what happened. We were so happy. **_

_**Jesse St. James happened.**_

_**I still don't understand. If we were so in love and happy with each other, then how could she have fallen for someone else? How could we even have gotten to a place where she would want to break up with me?**_

_**Maybe it was inevitable. Maybe he's right, that you were too young when you got together, that she just wants to experience other things and other… people… before she actually settles down. Maybe it was selfish to think she could be with the same person she fell in love with when she was a teenager for the rest of her life. **_

_**But, I'm still in love with her. I want to spend my life with her.**_

_**Yeah. **_

_**Is this my fault? Did I push her too many times when we were younger? Damage us too much for this to last?**_

_**I don't know. **_

_**I swear all of that was behind us, I would have bet anything that we were truly happy together. **_

_**She hasn't seemed happy lately. You've been fighting a lot. **_

_**Yeah but that wasn't until after Jesse came along, on our own we were amazing together. **_

_**Maybe not. Maybe she hasn't been happy for a while and Jesse just showed her that. **_

_**What's been missing from us that she needed and wasn't getting?**_

_**I don't know. **_

_**How long has she been with me out of loyalty?**_

_**She tells you she loves you all the time.**_

_**Loving someone and being in love with someone aren't the same thing. **_

_**Yeah. I guess you're right. **_

_**How do I survive her leaving me?**_

_**I don't know. **_

_**What is she waiting for? How do I go on with her as if I don't know what's coming?**_

_**Maybe you can't.**_

_**What else can I do?**_

_**You can leave instead. **_

_**What?**_

_**Give her what she wants. If she wants… out, and is struggling with the nice way to do it because she feels she owes you, then maybe you should just make it easy on her. **_

_**I can't. I can't look at her and tell her it's over. I just can't. **_

_**So then don't look at her when you're doing it. **_

_**What?**_

_**Take the project. Go away from here, leave her a carefully written letter that tells her how much you loved her and how grateful you are for the years you had together. Tell her how much you wish you didn't have to go, that this could have been fixed and then go.**_

_**What if the idea of me leaving actually makes her realize that really losing me isn't what she wants?**_

_**I don't think it works like that, but you could leave your flight information in the letter once you have it, go to the airport early, give her time to come after you.**_

_**She won't, will she?**_

_**I don't think so. **_

_**Oh god. How am I going to survive this? **_

_**Maybe once you've been gone for a while she'll start to miss you, start to miss what you had and get whatever it is she wants out of her system so when you come back she'll be ready for you again. **_

_**I don't know if I can do this. **_

_**It's better than waiting around for her to rip your heart out. **_

_**I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready to face a tomorrow without her. **_

_**Then don't. You don't have to do it right this second. You heard what she said, she's not going anywhere tomorrow, so spend a few days absorbing memories with her. **_

_**Is that better or worse? Being with her and knowing it's over?**_

_**Do you want to walk out the door and possibly never see her again right now?**_

_**No. **_

_**Then give yourself some time with her.**_

_**How did we get here? Why wasn't I enough? **_

_**I don't know.**_

_**Do you think she'll miss me at all? That it'll hurt her for us to be over too?**_

_**I don't know, she's had more time to adjust to it, to think about it…and…**_

_**Yeah I know, she's not in love with me the way I am with her. **_

_ Quinn didn't remember falling asleep on the floor of the guest bedroom. When she woke her phone was blinking beside her and she swiped the screen on, surprised to see so many missed calls and texts from Rachel. She didn't listen to them, didn't read them. Instead, she got up and went to the bathroom, where she attempted to wash the evidence of her heartbreak from her face with cold water and soap. She tried to prepare herself before she headed downstairs, secretly hoping Rachel was out. _

_When she finally appeared at the bottom of the steps Rachel was asleep in her clothes on the couch curled around her phone. She made her way over to her, sitting down on the coffee table, watching her sleep for a few minutes. _

_**She's so beautiful. **_

_**How am I going to do this?**_

_**By remembering moments like these, by never letting them go. No one can ever take these moments away from you. **_

_She leaned forward and brushed dark hair out of her face, biting her lip against the bittersweet feeling that surged up into her chest when Rachel stirred and dark eyes fluttered open to look at her. Her body immediately swayed forward, needing her, her stomach clenching when Rachel's arms came around her neck to deepen the kiss and pull her down onto the couch with her. She slowly kissed her, memorizing the feel of Rachel's tongue moving with her own, of her lips clasping and unclasping with hers. Her hand travelled down the side of her face, shifting to allow her finger tips to trace a delicate line down her neck, across her shoulder, weaving an intricate pattern across her side and reveling in the feel of Rachel shuddering when she brushed past the sensitive spot on her ribs beside her breast through the thin old t-shirt of Quinn's she was wearing. _

_**What are you doing?**_

_**Memorizing her. Every single inch of her. The feel of her in my arms, seeming like she wants me. **_

_**Quinn…**_

_**I need this. **_

_**Okay. **_

_She slid sideways, turning Rachel in her arms while she continued to kiss her gently, languidly. Once they were both on their sides, she slid her hand up under the shirt, allowing her hand to wander ever so lightly across Rachel's back in giant swirls and loops her stomach clenching every time she arched under the touch, her hips and stomach pressing flush against Quinn each time. She had always loved the way Rachel responded to her touch, loved the way her skin seemed to come to sensitive life under her gentle ministrations. Her lips traced a path across her jaw, down her throat, across her chest and back up until she barely teased the shell of her ear with her teeth loving the goose bumps that popped up across her body in response to Quinn's actions. When she let her fingers trace their intricate patterns down across the thigh that was exposed by the shorts she was wearing, a small noise escaped the back of Rachel's throat and she wrapped her leg around Quinn's hip to give her better access, to pull her closer. _

_When Rachel slid her hand under Quinn's shirt and recaptured her lips, immediately deepening the kiss, Quinn altered her course and pulled back. Dark eyes studied her, her mouth opening to question her until one finger rested against her lips, silencing the query before it could be voiced in the silent room. An overwhelming swell of emotion pushed its way through Quinn when those eyes continued to search her own, asking her a thousand questions at once and she looked away. She lifted herself over Rachel, moving until she was lying behind her, pressed up against her back with her face buried in her neck. _

"_Quinn—"_

"_Shhh."_

"_What's—"_

"_I love you Rachel. So much… Sometimes, I haven't even been able to put into words how much I love you. So, for right now, just… let me, please?"_

_She tried to turn in her arms, to look at her, but Quinn held her tightly against her body refusing to allow the movement. Rachel sighed softly, automatically angling her head when Quinn began to gently kiss her neck once again, her hand beginning its loving exploration across one hip bone and up her side. She skirted around her breast, across to the top of her stomach muscles, feeling her own body begin to tingle in response every time Rachel pushed back into the cradle of her own hips while her body responded to the fingers that explored her flesh. _

_**Do you think anyone will ever make love to her the way I do?**_

_**Please don't ask me that.**_

_Her hand swept a low arc down past one hip bone and pushed her waistband down to tease just below it but not far enough down to touch the spot she knew Rachel wanted her to by now. She felt Rachel jerk into the touch, silently asking for more and she shifted directions tracing her way back up towards her chest, her own body humming happily when Rachel's entire body arched and a small moan escaped her throat as her fingers finally brushed against her breast to trace a dizzying pattern towards her nipple stopping before she reached it to circle it. One hand caught Quinn's and pushed it to cup her breast, another noise reverberating through her chest when Quinn kissed a path across her shoulder blades and pushed her hand away to barely trace the nipple that had been beneath her palm a second ago. _

_Quinn shifted the arm that was still trapped underneath Rachel's body so that she could slide it under the shirt to join the exploration of her breasts, the free arm abandoning its position when the other took over to slide back down to the hips that were pressing her firmly back against Quinn's body. She continued the patterns against her hip, this time adding large swoops over her side and down her thigh until Rachel's hips were moving against her hand to try to get her to dip down into the place she had refused to touch. Her hand paused when she slid it below the waistband of her shorts, hesitating while she memorized the feel of crackling electricity between them as Rachel pressed further back against her, needing her touch. She swallowed and dipped her hand down, lightly tracing a soft line that she knew had to tickle and tease over the thin material that still shielded wetness from her fingers. _

_She could feel heat radiating from between Rachel's thighs and she repeated the action, this time tracing a path to the side to follow the edge of the small panties, gently running her teeth along the edge of Rachel's ear when hips pushed forward against her hand. Her eyes slipped closed and she buried her face in Rachel's neck when she felt her beginning to thrust gently against her hand, silently begging her to stop teasing her so sweetly. When she finally flattened her hand and pushed it beneath the last cotton barrier she paused again, cupping her for a second while she squeezed her eyes shut and focused on the feel of Rachel's entire body calling out to her. One finger delved slowly down into moisture, slickly tracing a circle around her, still refusing to press against the one place she needed, instead exploring every velvety inch of skin she could find. _

_When she finally let one fingertip press against her Rachel moaned and arched hard against her, teeth closing down against Quinn's arm as she turned her head into it. She added another finger and began a tantalizingly slow circular pattern, drawing it out, refusing to speed up when Rachel's hips began to move with her. The teeth left her arm and she lifted her head as a deep lust filled voice pleaded with her. _

"_Quinn… I want to kiss you."_

_She shifted her body back a little so Rachel could roll onto her back, her fingers never wavering while they kept their slow steady pace even when Rachel's lips connected with her own. A hand threaded into blonde hair when she deepened the kiss, the other tangling with Quinn's as it rested on her hip, her arm still trapped underneath her body. Her hips moved slowly in rhythm with the fingers that steadily moved against her, sending sparks up Quinn's body every time they bumped against her. _

_**Quinn…**_

_**I don't want it to end. **_

_**You can't just tease her forever, you have to give her release at some point. **_

_**But this might be the last time I ever make love to her. **_

_**Do you think any part of her knows this is good bye?**_

_**No. I don't. Do you?**_

_**I think she just sees her girlfriend showing her that she loves her.**_

_**I wish loving her was enough. **_

_**Don't. You'll start to cry again. **_

_**Watch carefully when she—**_

_**I know. I will. I don't ever want to forget that feeling. **_

_She slid her hand further down, one long finger easily slipping inside, her fingertip immediately curling into position while Rachel's hips changed their pattern against her. Her own rhythm remained slow, steady, drawing every second out of the encounter that she possibly could while Rachel moaned into her mouth and clenched the hand in her own even tighter. She focused on the feeling of being inside of her, connected to her intimately pulling back from the kiss when she began to circle the knuckle of her thumb against her while she continued the practiced motion of her fingers. Every inch of her body came alive while she focused on Rachel's responses when her muscles began to tense and shake. Her eyes focused on her face, her eyes closed in concentration, the flush that spread across her face and down her neck to disappear beneath the shirt she still wore. One final thrust against Quinn's movements and she tensed, a garbled 'oh god' tearing from her throat as her back arched up, her face turning towards Quinn's neck while her hips froze and she clenched around the hand that still connected them. _

_Quinn expertly drew it out for her, slowing her motion until she finally stopped, knowing when to stop and just rest her hand where it was, not wanting to sever the intimate feeling just yet. Rachel blindly sought out Quinn's lips while she turned in her arms, unwittingly dislodging her hand and filling her with a feeling of complete loss as she slipped her hand from the shorts and wrapped both arms around Rachel to return the kiss. She pulled back and leaned her forehead against Quinn's, eyes still closed while she came down from her crest, not really registering that Quinn had buried her face in her neck while she clung to her. _

"_I love you baby."_

_**Does she?**_

_**Yes. But, apparently not enough.**_

Quinn settled stiffly into her place in the audience, her notebook propped on her lap, ignoring the looks she was getting from James after she had consistently chosen a seat further and further away from the stage as each day went by. It had been two weeks since their argument in Rachel's dressing room and the painful ball in the pit of her stomach hadn't even begun to dull in the slightest. The first week after the confrontation, she had managed to keep every interaction clipped, bordering on cold, certain to make sure the only things they ever spoke about were the play itself. Every move was carefully calculated, to ensure that she would never come across her alone, never be in a position to potentially be engaged in a personal conversation with her.

At the beginning of the second week of avoidance, she had rather unexpected assistance, in the form of one of their lead actors finding himself arrested for a DUI which allowed her to disappear from the theatre itself entirely. She left James in charge of the rehearsals, opting to meet with her fellow producer, Richard, to search for a replacement since he seemed to feel that the understudy wasn't right for the role. She knew Rachel would see her disappearance as avoidance and hoped confrontation wouldn't inevitably follow, hoped Rachel would just let it go in favor of her supposed triumph of inflicting pain on Quinn.

She honestly expected to feel a little better as the second week without having to see her went by. Admittedly she was delightfully distracted during the day, fully focused on the auditions Richard had set up for a new Cliff. Every night, however, eventually came and she could hear Rachel's words echoing in her head while she lay awake staring at the ceiling. Every time she closed her eyes she pictured her with him and the pain came back with a vengeance, imagined his cruel mocking eyes looking up at her while he lay on top of Rachel. When she attempted to force her mind in a different direction, the only place it would go, was to replay everything that had happened before she left New York for Paris. Her brain constantly sifted through the memories, searching for truths amidst what she had been feeling at the time. She had been so convinced that Rachel wanted out, and now that she had been faced with the pain her leaving had caused, she struggled to understand how he had convinced her so easily.

She was exhausted by the time she returned to the theatre and she had immediately shied away from any interaction with anyone besides James, unwilling to respond to any comments about her distance from the stage. She pulled his notes from the week out of her bag, attempting to look busy even though she knew everything in the notebook…she had spoken with him every night about each rehearsal, telling him exactly what she wanted them to do for the scenes he was working on with them in her absence.

"Welcome back."

"Thanks."

"You look exhausted."

_**Well that can't be good…how bad do I really look?**_

_**You put yourself in a situation that's going to leave its mark on you.**_

_**I know.**_

"I am. I think I'm going to take it a little easy today, I'll just stay out here and write down my notes…you can read them to the group after each scene."

"Sure. Did you and Richard agree on a new Cliff yet?"

"No. I gave him my opinions and sent him off to check out the last few on his own, he was driving me crazy."

_**He's apparently the biggest jackass that ever lived. I really should have asked more about him before agreeing to work with him.**_

_**No kidding, you might have been better off picking something else and just producing it alone.**_

"Watch him come back with someone horrible."

_**He's not an idiot, he's been doing this for years. He just has a horrible personality that makes me want to take a cheese grater to my own head just to get a break from his incessant pretentious babbling.**_

"He's had pretty decent instincts with the actors so far. We've agreed on a few. He's just impossible to deal with for more than a week at a time."

"I've heard something to that effect."

"I'm not overly concerned. He'll probably pick someone we already saw together."

_**You hope. **_

_**Yeah, well, he made it perfectly clear that my contract stipulated I get to have final say of the female lead, not the male lead.**_

_**Another mistake you made in your rush to get Rachel for the part.**_

"Well, at least this happened pretty early on…I thought we could just do a quick run through of all the scenes we've done so far."

"Okay."

"We mostly worked on choreography while you were gone and the scenes you already went through."

"Okay. Let's get started then." He stood and headed over to the stage while Quinn returned to her notebook.

_**I don't want to be here.**_

_**It never occurred to you that you might get to a point where you wouldn't want to see her.**_

_**No.**_

_**Everyone strikes out when they're hurt…we all have our defense mechanisms, you certainly have your fair share of them. **_

_**I didn't expect, that…what she did, when and how she did it.**_

_**You were gone.**_

_**But I didn't leave to hurt her. I never wanted to hurt her.**_

_**I don't think she sees it that way.**_

_**Obviously.**_

_**You put yourself in this situation, now you have to live with it.**_

_**You're not being helpful.**_

_**I'm not trying to.**_

She spent the first half of the rehearsal diligently watching every move each actor made, completely avoiding looking at Rachel's face…she knew she would give a flawless performance, they had already been through the details of each of these scenes anyway. She found a few things she wanted to change as far as the choreography went, writing everything down. James was consulting with Christie while the dancers worked on the spots she wanted to adjust when she heard someone sit down beside her. She kept her eyes on the stage, recognizing Rachel out of the corner of her eye.

"Are you going to quit the show?"

"No. Why?"

"You've been gone all week, you're not interacting with us on stage the way you have been so far…you've been mostly working through James."

"You know I was gone because I had to meet with Richard to try to find a replacement Cliff."

"James could have done that…I don't think that's why you were gone."

_**She knows you so well. **_

_**Yeah, sometimes that's not overly helpful.**_

_**So now you're annoyed about it?**_

_**Not annoyed, it would just be easier if I could…I don't know just forget it. I'm frustrated with the whole damn situation. It would make her happier if I quit you know.**_

_**Can you blame her?**_

"I'm not quitting…sorry to disappoint you."

She was silent for a few seconds, her voice even lower when she spoke again. "I didn't want you to quit. I think you're very talented. You know that. I was always impressed with your decisions every time we worked together. I like what you're doing with the show."

_**I don't want to have this conversation, I'm hurt and I'm tired and I just want this day to be over.**_

"Thanks for the vote of confidence. Can we get back to work now?"

"I'm not in this scene."

_**Go away, Rachel, I don't want to look at you right now. I don't want to feel even worse than I already do.**_

"I'll be sure to send someone to your dressing room to get you when we need you again."

"So you're just going to avoid me from now on?"

"I'm not avoiding you, I'm tired from a long week and I'm taking it a little easy today…Richard isn't the easiest person in the world to deal with."

_**Liar. **_

_**Only sort of.**_

_**Still. Liar.**_

_**Leave me alone.**_

"Then why won't you look at me? You haven't looked at me once all day."

_**When I look at you, I see him touching you.**_

"What do you want me to say, Rachel? Why are you even here? This is what you wanted isn't it? A purely professional relationship…I'm not anything but your director. " Quinn could feel Rachel studying her while she remained silent for several minutes, and it was driving her crazy. She was about to give in, to turn to her and ask her to leave again, when Rachel's voice quietly stopped her mid thought.

"I shouldn't have said that to you the way that I did, or maybe even at all…I went too far. I didn't mean to hurt you this much, you just kept pushing me."

_**Well, you did. And you did it on purpose. I never hurt you on purpose.**_

"I hurt you, you hurt me back…consider it Karma."

She let out a small sigh and turned further in her seat to look at her, clearly attempting to get Quinn to turn and meet her eyes. "Despite my best efforts, I don't like seeing you in this much pain, I could have handled the situation better."

_**It's too late for that, I don't want to be near you now, it hurts too much.**_

"I'm trying to work." She heard Rachel sigh again, still refusing to look at her as the seat shifted beside her and Rachel walked away, disappearing back-stage. She dropped her gaze to her notebook, taking in a deep calming breath, closing her eyes and lifting a hand to rub the bridge of her nose while James cautiously approached.

"Everything okay?"

_**No. Not even a little bit.**_

"Yeah."

"Did she have a problem with one of the scenes?"

"No."

"Well, whatever it was, she could have talked to me."

"It didn't have anything to do with the show."

"Are you ever planning on telling me what's going on with you two?"

_**Go away James, mind your own business for like five seconds of your life.**_

"Why do you need to know?"

"You really have to ask that? I'm putting a lot of work into this show, Quinn… I want to know if it's going to blow up in my face. Whatever your relationship is, it doesn't exactly inspire much confidence in me. Half the time I expect one of you to walk away from the whole thing."

_**I actually want to right now, but I can't. You're safe. I can't walk away from her again. **_

_**If that's true, if you're committed to never walking away again, no matter what then you have to do something to make this a little more bearable. **_

_**Like what?**_

_**Talk to her…**_

_**I don't want to. It hurts.**_

_**Yeah, well, it's going to hurt more and more every day if you let it continue like this. It's been weeks and it's only gotten worse because you're refusing to deal with it… as usual.**_

_**Fine. I'll talk to her. I don't think it'll accomplish anything, but if you'll shut up about it then I guess I'll talk to her. **_

"Neither of us are going to walk away, that's all you need to know."

"The rest of the cast is starting to talk…"

_**Yeah. Probably because of you. How have I never noticed what a pain in the ass gossip he is?**_

"Let them talk." She stood up, walking away from him, effectively ending the conversation. She joined the actors on the stage, focusing on the scene they were working on. James interrupted an hour later, suggesting that they should call break. She glanced at her watch before agreeing and sending everyone off for their dinner.

She was talking to a few of the actors that had approached her with a question, when she saw Rachel go up to James, before smiling politely at him and leaving the stage. She found Rachel's door mostly open and she slipped inside before closing it behind her. She watched silently while Rachel continued to focus on the script that lay on the coffee table in front of her, her arms hugging her knees while she sat at the edge of the couch cushion.

"I didn't leave to hurt you. I left because I thought I was doing what was best for you."

Her eyes remained fixed on the page in front of her, while she seemed to ponder Quinn's words, her voice low and controlled when she finally responded. "How could you possibly think that breaking my heart was best for me?"

_**I didn't think I would break your heart. That was what scared me the most. **_

"Things weren't exactly perfect, Rach…for months before I left, we never saw each other, and when we did we fought. I don't even know what we were fighting about half the time, but I did know I wasn't making you happy anymore."

"That's not true. I was just under a lot of stress. It had nothing to do with you. If you had just talked to me—"

_**We didn't talk a lot anymore, you talked to him instead.**_

"I wanted to, but let's be honest, you spent all of your free time with…" She swallowed, gritting her teeth slightly, having even more trouble with the idea of the actor that had so spectacularly come between them than she herself ever had before. "…Jesse. You talked to him about everything, even about me. I felt like I was being replaced by him more and more day by day."

"I must have told you a hundred times, he was my friend, it was nothing."

_**Nothing fucked you on our bedroom floor.**_

"How can you say that to me after your… confession? You really expect me to believe it was nothing after…" She trailed off swallowing thickly.

"I told you…that never would have happened if you hadn't left."

_**I don't believe you. He was all over you, and you just let him do it, Rachel.**_

"You flirted with him all the time, you had all those inside jokes, I wasn't even a part of the conversation when he was around…it was like I wasn't even in the room, I—"

"It was completely harmless. I was just enjoying the attention. It seriously didn't mean anything to me, I didn't even think of him like that."

_**Clearly, you did.**_

"He was your ex-boyfriend. You were in love with him once. Believe me, I remember you going on and on about him incessantly when you were with him. In case you've forgotten, I was there for your less than subtle inquisition about 'first times' when you considered having sex with him back in high school."

"I forgot all about that."

"Yeah, well, I didn't."

She studied her face for a few seconds then dropped her eyes back to the table, her voice quiet, sad when she spoke again. "I didn't even know what love was when I was with Jesse, not real love. I've only ever really been in love with one person…"

_**You. You idiot. She's only ever been in love with you, and you pushed her right into his arms.**_

_**It looked like she was there before I left. **_

"Why did you have to do that? Why did it have to be him? He's why I left…I thought…"

"You thought what exactly?" Her tone shifted, an edge entering her voice.

_**I thought you were going to leave me for him.**_

"I thought you were cheating on me with him."

Her eyes lifted to focus intently on Quinn, pain clearly shining in them. "I don't even know how to express how much it hurts to hear you say that…how could you possibly think I would have ever cheated on you?"

_**How can she even say that? Flirting and inappropriate friendship aside, she had sex with him right after I left.**_

"Yeah, because you would never have sex with him or anything."

"You can't use something that happened after you left to support why you left."

"Why not? It proves that my suspicions weren't off base."

She looked away and shook her head, her eyes on the ceiling while she pulled her bottom lip in between her teeth then released it before she clenched her jaw tightly and let out a quick puff of air. "You are seriously the most frustrating person in the world, do you know that? I don't understand how someone can exist so thoroughly in their own head…"

"It clearly wasn't in my head."

She took a slow deep breath, obviously making an effort to calm herself, making a visible effort to keep her voice controlled. "I want you to listen very carefully to me, because you really have no idea what you're talking about here. I would _never_ have cheated on you. _Never._ Not once, during our entire relationship did I ever want anyone else, ever. The only reason it ever even entered my head to…do that with him was because I knew you were jealous of him and that it would hurt you if you ever found out. If it hadn't been that day…"

_**You knew it bothered me and you still flirted with him, how does that not support my suspicions? **_

_**The relationship was barely even over when she slept with him.**_

_**Believe me I'm aware of that.**_

"You didn't wait very long. My birthday was literally right after I left."

"It was a hard day for me…"

_**A hard day for her, it wasn't her birthday. I'm the one that spent my birthday alone.**_

"You mean it was the best day to hurt me."

"No, I mean it hit me really hard that day, I…I fell apart that day."

"You fell apart so much that you felt the need to let him—"

"Do you really want to do this again? Is this the best road to go down right now?"

_**I can't just pretend this didn't happen. You wanted to hurt me and you did and now I get to be upset about it.**_

"How do you expect me to feel? If you cared so much about me that my birthday made you actually fall apart then how could you even do that?"

"Because I was in pain."

"Clearly."

"You have no idea what I was going through…"

"I was in just as much pain as you were."

"I somehow doubt that."

"It was _my_ birthday, and I spent it in a hotel room on the other side of the world, wishing I was at home…and you spent it fucking someone else." She regretted it the second it left her mouth, immediately realizing that striking out right now wasn't the answer.

Rachel's entire body visibly tensed, her eyes hardening while she stared across the room at her. "I'm not doing this. Did you come in here to talk to me, or to yell at me to make yourself feel better?"

"Believe me, nothing about this situation could ever possibly make me feel better. You act so innocent all the time, accusing me of being the cold hearted one, but I would never hurt you on purpose like that Rachel…I would never use the one thing that I knew would cut you the deepest against you."

"I apologized for that. I told you I let things go too far. You really need to drop this. You have no idea what I was going through. You can't even begin to understand."

_**What's to understand? You want me to feel sorry for you for doing what you did, and I don't see any reason why I should. You weren't the only one hurting, and I never would have done that to you if the situations were reversed.**_

"What don't I understand, exactly? Tell me, Rach, did you leave out a detail that could possibly make me feel bad enough for you that I could ever understand why you would do something so completely malicious? Because from where I'm standing nothing in the world could—" She stopped when Rachel suddenly and surprisingly purposefully stood, stalking over to the other side of the room to dig around in her bag. Before she could even begin to question her, Rachel spun around and furiously whipped something across the room. She felt something hit her chest and looked down, noticing a small blue box lying on the floor beside her feet.

_**What's that?**_

_**I think you know what that is.**_

She folded her arms across her chest, her eyes on the box at Quinn's feet, her voice wavering when she spoke. "I've desperately wanted to return that, but I could never bring myself to even take it out of my bag, to so much as open the damn box…I've been carrying it around since you left. I put it in there to bring it back to the store, and then I couldn't do it."

Quinn shook her head, her mouth opening, then closing without anything coming out.

Rachel rolled her eyes and tightened her arms around herself. "Go ahead open it, take a look at your birthday present, the one I meticulously planned for months and never got to give to you." She took a step forward, daring her to pick it up, tears evident in her eyes while she stared at Quinn from the middle of the room.

Quinn dropped her eyes back down to the box that lay on the floor, having trouble swallowing around the lump in her throat. She leaned down, her hand shaking while she lifted it up, her eyes slipping shut when she closed her fingers around the velvety surface.

_**No, no. No. No. No.**_

"Please tell me this is earrings or a necklace..." She could hear the tremor in her own voice and she tried to take in a deep breath, only feeling a small amount of air force its way into her lungs.

"Do you think I would have felt the need to do what I did if it was?"

_**Oh my god, no. **_

"Rach I—"

She interrupted her, her voice so full of pain and regret that Quinn could actually feel the knot in her chest expanding in response to the tone itself. "I had it custom made for you, I even had an inscription carved into the inside. I spent months planning the perfect way to ask you, ultimately deciding that your birthday would be the best way to surprise you since you would assume I was only doing something for your birthday itself, that we'd do what we always did…"

Quinn opened her mouth and Rachel cut her off again, her voice shifting to something angry. "…so don't you dare even suggest to me that I was going to cheat on you or leave you, or that I wasn't in love with you. That right there is what you walked away from. Now tell me that I didn't have a reason to be that upset on _your birthday_." She wiped a tear angrily off her cheek before crossing her arms again, clearly struggling to stay in control.

_**Oh god, this is…do you have any idea what you've done?**_

_**You thought she was cheating on you because she was sneaking off with him and obviously lying about where she'd been and it was all because she was planning this. She was planning to marry you.**_

_**But that conversation…**_

_**Think about it, she could have been talking about you deserving a better PROPOSAL, not a better way of leaving.**_

_**No, this can't be happening. I can't have fucked up this badly.**_

_**Why not? It's what you do isn't it?**_

_**No. This is too much. Way too much this can't be true.**_

Quinn looked down at the box that was clenched painfully in her hand, her knuckles turning white against the rich royal blue fabric. She could feel the color draining from her own face while Rachel watched her, her own eyes still on that little blue box. She didn't even notice when the silence was broken by a knock on the door, still unable to find words even when the door opened despite the lack of a response and James stepped in.

"You just missed a call from Richard…um what's going on?"

_**Please, no. I can't have misread the situation this badly. She was flirting with him, being secretive, lying…and he was always looking smugly at me when he was with her. He even told you she wasn't in love with you anymore…**_

_**And you believed him. **_

_**Yeah.**_

_**Think back Quinn. Think about how she looked at you, the way she interacted with you, the way she touched you and held you, it never really changed did it? Think about the last time you were with her, that day on the couch… did that seem like someone that wasn't in love with you?**_

_**No, no…no. Oh my god, it was all in my head. He manipulated me and I let him. I let him use my fears against me and practically handed her to him.**_

Quinn shook her head silently, her mouth still open, the box still clutched in her hand in front of her while James glanced back and forth between them. His eyes shifted from Quinn's hand then back and forth from one face to the other, taking in the sheen of tears that was still evident on both of their faces.

Rachel broke the tense silence, her tone rude when she spoke to him. "Do you always open closed doors without an invitation?"

"I'm sorry, Rachel, I didn't—what's that?" He nodded towards Quinn's hand, confusion filling his features when he lifted his gaze to meet Quinn's still colorless face.

_**What do I do? She should hate me even more than I thought. She was prepared to spend her life with me and I ran away because I was being an idiot.**_

"First you come into my dressing room without permission, now you're asking personal questions?"

"You can't expect me to walk into a room where my director and the lead are both crying and not want to know what's going on…"

_**I ruined our lives, our future was right there and I couldn't see it. What the hell is wrong with me? I didn't even realize how much I really hurt her, how can she even stand to be in the same room with me. I came back here…I forced her to see me every day and I…**_

Quinn shook her head again, still not acknowledging that James was even in the room. "Oh my god, I…oh my god—I ruined everything, I thought…" She trailed off and finally dropped her hand down to her lap, her eyes lifting up to Rachel, who was still standing with her hands on her hips obviously annoyed by the interruption. "I had no idea…how can you even look at me?"

Rachel lifted a hand to her face, attempting to dry her cheek, before taking a step towards James. "Do you think you could give us a minute?"

"Are you sleeping with our lead actress…is that what's going on here? Is that why you wanted her for the part? What the hell, Quinn? If Richard finds out about this he's going to have a fit…you know she ruined her last show with this and you—"

_**Someone's talking to you.**_

_**I ruined everything. I did this, all of it. Me.**_

"You're a little slow aren't you, James?"

"Excuse me?"

"You can honestly tell me that after all the arguments you've witnessed you didn't figure out that something was going on between us until now?"

_**Rachel's yelling. **_

_**She should be yelling at me, she should be throwing things at me. She should have refused to ever speak to me again. She should have hit me even harder when she first saw me.**_

_**She's not yelling at you. **_

_**What?**_

"So you _are _sleeping together."

_**That's James' voice.**_

_**Where the hell did he come from? He can't be here right now.**_

"If we were, how would that be any of your business?"

He turned his head back to Quinn, an accusatory look on his face. "You actually hired your girlfriend to work for you? A girlfriend that has apparently cheated on you with half of Broadway?"

_**What? No, that's just it. She didn't cheat. I just let my past follow me like a shadow that I didn't even realize was still behind me. I thought I worked through it, I thought she was the one that was problem.**_

_**You've always been very good at projecting your problems on other people.**_

"I didn't cheat on anyone. I'm not her girlfriend and stop telling people I slept with half the cast of my last show, it's not true."

"That's not what I heard—"

"Well, you heard wrong."

"See this is exactly the kind of drama I knew you would bring to the table."

_**It's not her, it's me… I'm the problem. I always have been. Why did she even stay with me? Why did she want to marry me?**_

_**Because she loved you. Honestly, I think she still does for some reason.**_

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're trouble, and you're going to ruin this entire damn production, I want you out of this show."

_**What did he just say to her?**_

"Well, thankfully, you don't have a say in that."

"Is this how you get all of your roles?"

_**Snap out of it!**_

"Screw you! I deserve this role!"

"Stop it." Quinn's voice was quiet, but effective. They both turned their heads to look at her. She had taken a few steps back and was sitting on the couch. One hand still clutched the box, the other was positioned over her eyes while she held her face, her elbow supporting her head. "I told you to stop talking to her like that."

"I didn't realize you were protecting your little fling at the time."

"See this is the problem with keeping secrets, five years and I get labeled as some slutty little fling. This is just perfect for you isn't it Quinn…"

_**I did everything wrong. I'm so sorry, I don't know how I lost my way. Things were amazing for years, and then somehow I just lost myself along the way. I was trying to fight for us, I spent so much time preparing for potential problems that I never saw that I was creating them…and the whole time you were there just loving me and I couldn't even see it, I was so blinded by my own fears. **_

_**I feel sick. **_

_**You're panicking. **_

_**Are the walls closing in around me?**_

_**How did you let yourself get back here?**_

_**She wanted to marry you. She loved you. Think about her eyes, the way she used to look at you, the way she always looked at you. Think about how she looks at you now. **_

_**Stop it. Shut up. I can't take this. **_

"You know that's not what I was trying to do. I just don't seem to ever do anything right where you're concerned. I'm sorry, Rachel, I never should have come back here...I didn't know. I'm so stupid. I had everything and was too caught up in my own issues to even realize that I was the problem. I was the one slipping away, not you and I blamed you for all of it. I—I can't make this up to you, can I? Oh god, I feel sick..."

She could hear the shakiness of her own voice, could feel her stomach rolling at the full realization of exactly what she had done, the moisture draining out of her mouth before it lurched and a wave of dizziness swept through her. She stood suddenly, rushing out of the room and down the hall. She barely made it to the bathroom before her stomach edged up into her throat, its meager contents forcing its way out. She leaned back on her knees, lifting her hand to her cold forehead, feeling the beaded moisture that coated it.

She moved her other hand to reach for something to wipe her face, realizing she still held the box in it and she froze. She slowly moved her free hand to the lid, closing her eyes while she flipped the top open, taking a deep breath and opening her eyes again. The sharp pain that shot from her stomach up into her chest at the sight of the engagement ring overwhelmed her and she closed the box, dropping it into her lap to cover her face with her hands while the tears began to flow freely from her eyes, her shoulders shaking while she curled sideways against the wall and let it overtake her.

Quinn still had her hands covering her face when she felt a cool towel being pressed against the back of her neck. She pulled her hands back, surprised to find Rachel kneeling beside her. She looked up at her, confused when she moved the towel to wipe her face, a look of concern in her eyes.

"What are you doing?"

She sighed and rolled her eyes before she folded the towel and gently wiped the other side of her face. "I've never been able to stand it when you cry."

_**She has more compassion in her pinky than you do in your entire body.**_

_**It's one of the reasons I fell in love with her.**_

"How can you be in here comforting me after what I did to you?"

"I feel bad about striking out at you so much lately. I didn't have to be quite so cruel about it. I know you weren't trying to hurt me, but I was trying to hurt you and that's not entirely fair."

"I deserved it."

"No, you deserved to hear the truth, not to have me clobber you over the head with it…it's just hard not to try to hit where it hurts when there's just so much anger and pain every single time I look at you."

She dropped her gaze to the box in her hand. "I didn't realize how badly I messed everything up. I understand if you honestly don't ever want to see me again. I was so stupid. I really thought I was giving you the chance to go after what you wanted, that you'd be relieved…that I was, I don't even know, hitting the pause button… and I would do my film then come back and you would realize that I was what you really wanted and then we'd fall back into each other's arms. I don't even understand why I thought that, it sounds completely insane…it sounds selfish. I'll find a replacement for me if you want, I can be a producer from a distance so your part is safe."

_**It sounds like a ridiculous fantasy that didn't even take her feelings into consideration.**_

Rachel took in a deep slow breath, finally lifting an arm up to settle around Quinn's shoulders, tugging lightly until her head was resting on her shoulder. "As much as it hurts to be around you right now, it was somehow worse not to be able to see you at all."

_**This feels so right, I haven't felt this safe in so long.**_

_**You're not safe here anymore…you just want to be.**_

"How am I supposed to look at you now, knowing what I really lost?"

She snorted softly, her head shaking back and forth for a second against the top of Quinn's. "I don't know. I'm having the same problem."

The reply was quiet, her tone so sad it made Quinn's stomach clench. Silence stretched out between them while they sat huddled together on the cold floor, the ache in Quinn's chest slightly dulled by the feel of Rachel warm and real against her side. She closed her eyes, absorbing the warm comfort Rachel was somehow offering her.

_**God I missed her.**_

_**Tell her that. **_

_**Why?**_

_**So she knows. **_

_**How could that possibly help in any way at all?**_

_**Because, every time you've been vulnerable with her, admitted something to her that could cause you pain, it's shown her that she is special that she does matter and I think she needs that right now. She needs to know that she didn't waste herself on you, that she really meant the world to you. **_

She lifted her head, turning slightly to look into brown eyes. "I miss you so much, it actually hurts."

A single tear slipped down Rachel's cheek and she tentatively lifted her hand slowly moving it towards her, giving her the opportunity to pull away. She felt her breath catch in her throat painfully when Rachel's eyes slipped shut when she cupped her cheek, her thumb gently wiping away the tear. "I've been so completely lost without you Rach."

Dark eyes fluttered open and she slipped into their depths, frozen as the moment stretched on, afraid that if she moved Rachel might pull away. She just wanted a few minutes, enough time to have something to hold onto through whatever was still coming her way. She watched another tear welling up while they remained locked in each other's gazes, liquid pain collecting in the corner of her eye before slipping down her cheek, its shimmering path filling Quinn with the need to comfort the woman that was almost in her arms.

She moved forward, attempting to pull her into a hug, wanting to give the same reassurance Rachel had offered moments before. A small noise emanated from the back of Rachel's throat and before she could even adjust enough to pull away their lips were brushing together. She closed her eyes at the touch, her hand sliding up to tangle in brown hair, seemingly without her permission. The knot in her chest melted away when Rachel's hands fisted in her shirt, pulling her closer when her lips parted, silently asking to deepen the kiss.

Quinn hesitated, she hadn't meant to kiss her and she would never forgive herself if this was a mistake that cost her any chance of reconciliation. But Rachel was here in her arms, continuing to kiss her even through Quinn's hesitation and she found herself succumbing to her need to feel her…a slave to the offered touch. She ran her tongue slowly along Rachel's bottom lip, a mere whisper of touch and she heard a tiny moan escape in response. Warmth began to spread across her body as she felt hands release her shirt to slide up towards her hair, stopping when a loud crash echoed in the hallway, causing Rachel to jump and pull back. Quinn opened her eyes, feeling her stomach flip painfully as she took in the panicked look in brown eyes.

_**Oh god, what did you do?**_

_**I don't know, I didn't mean to kiss her…I don't even know how it happened.**_

_**You seriously just screwed everything up so much worse than it already was.**_

"I can't do this." Rachel dropped her hands to the floor beside her, pushing herself up, her back sliding up the wall as the panic began to spread across her face. "No…I'm not ready for this, it's too much."

_**Do something, she's going to pull away even further now.**_

"I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to-"

"I have to get out of here." She pushed passed Quinn, refusing to look at her while she rushed out of the room.

_**I just wanted to hold her, to make it better…to offer what she was offering me in return.**_

_**When have you ever been able to trust yourself not to fall into her?**_

_**I wasn't trying to kiss her.**_

_**But you did.**_

_**Did I? Which one of us was it?**_

_**I actually don't know.**_

_**Is that better, or worse?**_


	22. Chapter 22

_The door slammed shut behind Rachel, a loud thud following shortly after when she threw her bag furiously at a chair, knocking it back onto the floor. She approached it and glared down at it, a script landing on top of it while Quinn casually approached from the couch. _

"_I'm assuming this isn't a sudden and inexplicable distaste for our dining room chairs."_

_Rachel's glare shifted to Quinn, her brow furrowing even further when she noticed that Quinn was biting her lip, attempting not to laugh. "It's not funny."_

"_I can see that."_

"_I hate musical theatre. I'm quitting the industry. I'm moving to a place that doesn't have musical theatre at all. Maybe somewhere in, I don't know, Alaska."_

"_I'm pretty sure Alaska has musical theatre too."_

"_Fine. I'll find an uninhabited island and live off of coconuts."_

"_I'm fairly certain the cast of Lost will tell you that's not always a good idea."_

"_Could you be serious for five seconds?"_

"_Right. Sorry. Coconuts and no musical theatre. Is there room for me in this epically brilliant plan to run away, or am I banned from said escape plot?"_

_Her hands lifted to her hips and she glanced back down at the chair, finally pointing at the script. "Do you know what that is?"_

_Quinn followed her finger. "I'm going to have to go with part of the reason you suddenly hate your life's ambition."_

"_That, is the script to what was supposed to be my big break."_

"_Damn, I was so close."_

"_That, is the evidence of theatres ultimate betrayal of my undying love."_

"_I really don't think you can claim it's undying in the same conversation where you said you hated it."_

"_Do you know what they want me to do?"_

"_Decapitate puppies?"_

"_You're still not taking me seriously."_

"_Well, whatever it is, it won't matter if you're on an island living off of coconuts, which you don't particularly like by the way."_

"_I like coconut water."_

"_Yeah, flavored coconut water, the last time you drank the plain stuff you declared it completely—"_

"_Stop that. I had a point."_

"_Right, sorry. Your beloved mistress was betraying you." She poked the script with her toe, glancing up at Rachel when nothing happened. "Seems pretty harmless."_

"_You're still not funny." _

_She rolled her eyes and scooped up the script and the bag before she put the chair back in its spot, hanging the bag on it and heading back towards the couch while she flipped through the pages. "Seems like a pretty standard script."_

"_Where are you going with that? It needs to die."_

"_If I kill it, its evil soul will escape and possibly posses you for eternity."_

"_I don't think I like you right now."_

_She sank down onto the couch, still searching through the pages for a hint that might get Rachel to the point sometime this century. "Well maybe theatre and I should run away together then, we can find our own island, maybe with a hammock and drinks with little umbrellas in them."_

"_I just don't even understand how these things happen."_

"_Generally they take a tooth pick and attach the paper to the top of it to make it look like an umbrella, I don't think it's quite as difficult as you're letting it seem."_

"_I mean there are so many people that go to these auditions. The actual chances of making a decision that seems like the entire world hates me seem like they should be astronomical. And yet, here I am. My first big role in what was promised to be an amazing show and the director is apparently determined to ruin my life."_

"_It's what directors do, we're horrible monstrous beasts that make all of our decisions based on whose life we can ruin, you know just for fun." She dropped the script on the coffee table, sliding back to sit more comfortably while she watched Rachel begin to pace. _

"_Whose side are you on anyway?"_

"_I'm not sure, theatre comes with an island resort and fruity cocktails. What are you offering in return?"_

"_This is a completely serious situation. I have to get out of this role. I can't work with him. I won't work with him."_

"_I'm sure your director can't be that bad baby."_

"_Not the director. Jesse."_

_Quinn sat up, one eyebrow arching. "Wait, Jesse, Jesse?"_

"_What do you think I've been talking about?"_

"_Jesse St. James, Jesse?"_

"_That's what I've been saying."_

"_You're costar is Jesse?"_

"_Look who just joined the discussion."_

_Quinn sighed and reached out a hand towards Rachel, pulling her over to sit down beside her on the couch. "Okay, let's think about this rationally."_

"_That's easy for you to say, you haven't read the entire script."_

_She turned her gaze to the pages on the table, briefly contemplating reaching for it before she turned back to Rachel. "That's not the point. The point is, that you were thrilled to get this part. You loved this script when you read it and it IS a big deal Rach."_

"_It's Jesse."_

"_I know."_

"_Do you not remember what a—"_

"_Manipulative self obsessed prima donna he is? Yeah, I seem to recall. I also remember that considering your checkered past with him, things didn't end on the worst terms the last time he was around. I also remember that he could really sing, Rach."_

_She opened her mouth, then shut it, her brow furrowing while she contemplated Quinn's words. "I guess he kind of could."_

"_Kind of?"_

"_Okay, fine. He was the only male vocalist that was ever in New Directions that could keep up with me when it came to singing."_

"_Yeah, don't ever let Puck hear you say that, or Beth for that matter since it'll get right back to Puck and then I'll have to deal with-"_

"_I suppose it's possible that he's somehow managed to grow up over the years."_

"_I wouldn't count on that."_

"_Aren't you supposed to be making me feel better about this?"_

"_Rach, you had fantastic performance chemistry with him, your voices blend incredibly well together and his attitude has always pulled the best performance out of you in your need to out shine each other. He's not the worst person in the world to play opposite you. Plus, you already know him, so can avoid the whole getting to know your co star crap and how they work and just get right into honing the show to perfection."_

_She sighed and frowned over at Quinn, her expression just as dark as it had been when she walked into the apartment. "You don't understand."_

"_Come on, those were all perfectly valid points."_

"_They were."_

"_Then what's the problem."_

"_The problem is how… up close and personal I have to get with him."_

_Quinn arched an eyebrow. "Say what now?"_

"_We talked about this. How the director wants to really emphasize the raw sexual power of their sex scene and-"_

"_Right, the whole topless thing, which we decided was tasteful and worked really well with the… oh." Quinn's gaze shifted back over to the script. "So, you have to do all of that with Jesse. Your ex boyfriend Jesse."_

"_Yeah." Rachel's voice was quiet, her eyes focused on her own hands while they twirled the ring she wore around her right ring finger. Quinn allowed a tiny smile to quirk her lips at the memory of the vacation in France they had been on when they had bought the matching set, loving the way Rachel always felt the need to touch it whenever she was deep in thought. _

_Quinn turned her head to stare at the script for a few minutes, before turning back to face Rachel. She took the hand that was fidgeting and threaded their fingers together, successfully pulling Rachel's gaze up to her own with the gesture. "Well, look at it this way, you don't have to let a stranger grope you."_

"_How is this funny?"_

"_Baby, you're an actress. You're going to have to get used to being physical on stage or camera and what better way to start that than with someone you already know. Isn't it better than a complete stranger feeling you up every night?"_

"_I guess."_

"_Hey, we talked about this part. You want this role. Jesse is just another actor, but this way you already know what it's like to have him trying to get into your pants, at least this time it'll just be acting. You can roll your eyes internally at how much your forgot what it was like back in the day to have to fend off silly high school boys advances and just focus on your role."_

_Rachel shook her head and finally laughed little and tucked her hair behind her ear with her other hand. "I did have to remove his hands from my ass fairly regularly when I dated him in high school. Between him and Finn, dating was more removing hands from places than actual dating."_

"_See, you're already used to him."_

"_Yeah I am. I guess it wouldn't be as bad as some random guy I've never met before."_

"_Much easier."_

"_What about you?"_

"_What about me?"_

"_It's not going to drive you crazy to have Jesse pawing at me on stage all the time?"_

"_It's not my favorite thing in the world, but it's just a performance. It's not like you're going to bring him home with you."_

"_Can you imagine his face when he finds out we're together?"_

"_I'm actually kind of looking forward to that part."_

"_Quinn!"_

_Quinn laughed and leaned forward to kiss her, quickly moving back to pull Rachel on top of her while her hands travelled down to her ass. "So… this is the type of move you had to fend off is it?" _

_Rachel pulled her head back and smiled down at her, eyes shining happily. "For some reason I haven't had to resist a good ass grabbing for years now, I can't imagine why."_

"_It's because you love it when I do it."_

"_Prove it."_

The rest of Quinn's week went by painfully slowly. The confrontation in Rachel's dressing room and the bathroom had drastically changed things between them, she had hoped it would be for the better and sometimes it felt like it was…but while the anger had dissipated it was replaced with an awkward discomfort that was driving her crazy. She found herself wishing she didn't have such a hands on approach, often longing to be the type of director that remained in a chair in the audience. She refused to touch Rachel at all, even to adjust a movement for a scene and it seemed painfully obvious to her as she moved around the other actors adjusting a movement or showing them a different placement. Rachel's eyes displayed mild hurt each time she obviously avoided coming anywhere near her, before quickly raising a façade of indifference. The few times she accidently brushed up against her, or found herself too close she would avert her gaze, her cheeks coloring while she awkwardly apologized and moved away faster than could ever be considered necessary.

Her scenes with Rachel were becoming more and more challenging as time went on than she cared to admit, it was her job to study the actresses' every move and she would lose herself in it. More than once Rachel's gaze would somehow connect with hers and she would see something change in their depths before brown eyes would rip away and return to her co-stars. She had to admit however, it was actually helping Rachel's performance to have this level of emotion right underneath the surface of everything she did. It would take her breath away every time she found Rachel watching her whenever she performed a particularly emotional scene, certain the actress was speaking to her through her role.

She was finding it unbearable to watch some of her performances and she had stopped a run through more than once before they could re-do 'maybe this time'. James had commented on it after a while, reminding her that they only had her do the scene the one time, finally convincing her that it needed to be run. When Rachel took the stage to perform the song, she found herself struggling to deal with the level of emotion the singer was expressing, her eyes never leaving Quinn's while she poured her soul into the performance. When she was finished Quinn called break, turning away from the stage so she could wipe the tears out of her eyes without anyone noticing, digging around in her bag for her bottle of water as an excuse.

"That performance will be a show stopper."

_**Especially if I'm in the audience…**_

"I told you she's amazing."

"I have to admit, despite my reservations about working with her, she really knows what she's doing."

"Rachel was born knowing how to be a star, there's never been a time in her life where she wasn't destined to be on that stage." She swallowed thickly when her fingers brushed up against a velvet surface, a pang shooting through her chest as she pulled the little blue box out of her bag. Her eyes lingered, her heart fluttering uncomfortably in her chest. She had shoved it into her pocket that day in the bathroom, realizing she still had it when she was changing out of her clothes that night. Ultimately she had curled around it on the bed, crying herself to sleep, wishing that its proximity could make her feel closer to Rachel. The next morning, she put it in her bag, the intention to give it back to Rachel forgotten when she had arrived at rehearsal to find James waiting for her. He completely distracted her when he angrily informed her that Cliff's understudy had taken another job when Richard had still refused to allow him to step up into the role. She closed her hand around the box, dropping her bag back onto the chair.

"Excuse me. I have to go do something." She walked away from him, slipping quietly into Rachel's dressing room and closing the door behind her. She kept her hands behind her as she hesitated briefly when she saw Rachel sitting on her couch sideways with her script resting on the cushion in front of her.

_**I can't do this. I don't want to see the look on her face.**_

_**It's not yours to keep.**_

_**It was supposed to be.**_

"You were amazing out there today."

"I've always responded well to your direction."

"Am I bothering you?"

"No. I'm just going over a few lines until my dinner gets here." Her voice was quiet, the tone suggesting she was still affected by the scene they had just finished.

_**Is avoiding the issue going to make it any easier?**_

_**No.**_

_**Then maybe you should knock it off and do what you came in here to do.**_

"I…I don't think you intended to actually give this to me. I thought I should give it back. It doesn't feel right to still have it." She took the few steps to the coffee table in front of her, placing the box beside the bottle of water that was closest to Rachel.

Rachel turned her head, her eyebrows knitted in confusion until she saw what Quinn had placed on the table. "Oh…right." Her eyes filled with tears and she turned her head back to her script. "Did you want something else?" Her voice was strained, wavering slightly as she tried to hide the hurt in it.

"Rach…I'm sorry, I just thought-"

"It's fine. I'm trying to work on my lines." A tear slipped down her cheek, betraying her and she quickly wiped it away, clearly struggling to keep herself under control.

_**How do I always manage to make things worse all the time?**_

_**You make stupid decisions based on fear and then figure out a way to justify them.**_

_**That was a rhetorical question.**_

"Rach…" She trailed off, kneeling down beside her and placing a hand on her back, attempting to ease the pain she could see in those ever expressive eyes.

"I don't think it's a good idea for us to touch each other when we're alone." She leaned forward, before turning in her seat to put her legs down in front of her, effectively removing Quinn's hand from her back.

_**Please spare me the 'I told you so'.**_

"I was just trying to-"

"I appreciate the sentiment, but I didn't ask you to comfort me."

"You think I can stand to see you cry either?"

"I don't particularly want a repeat of what happened in the bathroom, so I would appreciate it if you would just back off."

"I didn't intend to do that. I don't really know what happened, I remember leaning forward to hug you and then…we were kissing." Her voice dropped to a whisper as she finished the sentence, the sad regret evident. "I wasn't trying to push you into anything."

"We both kissed each other, I'm not blaming you. We got caught up in the emotion of the moment. Five years leaves a lot of familiarity and things have always felt unfinished…but that doesn't mean I want it to happen again, I'm not willing to—"

"I know."

"It just made things so much more complicated than they already were. I'm so confused right now." She threw her script onto the table, clearly frustrated. "This was so much easier when I could talk to you about things."

"You can still talk to me."

"How am I supposed to talk to you about this? I have so many conflicting feelings when it comes to you. It's driving me crazy. You know I can still feel you in a room? I don't even have to look at you, I just _know_ you're there…and when you're actually near me…when you touch me…I shouldn't feel like this, you shouldn't affect me like this."

_**At least she still feels it.**_

_**That's not really helping the situation.**_

_**No, but it would really be over if she didn't.**_

_**Yeah, because this is going so well.**_

"I've been trying not to get too close to you. You just look so hurt when I avoid you."

"That's just it…one second I don't want to be anywhere near you and then I look into your eyes and I would do anything to have an excuse to touch you. Do you have any idea how completely infuriating that is? How confusing it is to want nothing to do with you and miss you all at the same time?"

"Yeah, I do. Things were left unfinished, there's a lot of emotions that are—"

"Half of me wants to tell you to go to hell, to get out of my life and never come back. That you have to learn to live with the mistake you made, that you don't ever get to have me in any way ever again…the other half of me doesn't want to go back to the world that existed without you, doesn't ever want to feel that way again." She wrapped her arms around herself, staring down at the floor while she spoke, her voice barely a whisper. "It felt like you ripped me to pieces and took some of them with you and even after I began to pull myself back together, I would always be missing the parts of me you took with you when you left."

"I-"

She didn't seem to even hear Quinn when she started to speak, her voice wavering as she continued. "When you came back anger filled in the cracks and at first I thought I could strike out at you, hurt you back and then move on…but each time I threw something in your face a little of the anger melted away and before I knew it something was missing again…I could feel that void again…then you kissed me and I had to deal with a glimpse of what I used to feel when I was with you. It felt so good to be there, to be in your arms, to be the one place that actually feels like home to me and now…I'm just so confused. I know I don't want you to go, but I don't know how to be around you, how to even begin to look at you without hurting."

"Maybe you can't, maybe you shouldn't."

"Do you think I haven't been trying not to all week? I tried to push how I felt in that bathroom down somewhere deep inside me, where it couldn't affect me, to just work on the show and maybe think of you as a friend again. Then I catch you watching me and the way you look at me just…I don't even know how to describe how it makes me feel when you look at me like that." She lifted her eyes to Quinn's, who still knelt beside her. "Then there are the times that you're looking at me like you are right now and I can see everything I've ever felt reflected back at me and I wonder if walking away from that deep an understanding…that deep a connection would be a mistake."

"When I walked away it was the worst mistake I've ever made in my life."

"Yes. It was. You caused this and now we're both suffering. I don't know if it would be a mistake to walk away or give you another chance. I don't even know how I would do either, I can't even decide if I could get past this…how would we do that? How would we even begin to work through something like this?"

_**What if she decides you can't?**_

"I don't know, but I want to."

"What would make this time different? Would I be a complete idiot for wanting to try this again? You had me and you chose to walk away, how do I know you won't get scared and do it again?"

_**I wouldn't survive it again.**_

She took in a slow controlled breath, knowing her response could potentially be one of the most important things she might ever say to Rachel. When she finally spoke, her voice was low and gentle, each word carefully chosen. "I know what my life would be like without you now and it's not something I would ever choose. Look at me Rach, you know me…you see me, you always have. Don't let a stupid mistake on my part blind you from what's standing right in front of you."

"You couldn't see me when I was in front of you. I was right there and I loved you so completely and it wasn't enough for you."

_**Loved. She said loved. As in past tense.**_

_**I got that.**_

Quinn swallowed, finding it suddenly hard to breathe as she felt an uncomfortable tingle of fear begin to travel up her spine. "And you don't anymore…"

She said it quietly, not entirely sure if she had asked it or stated it…really not wanting to hear the response she was sure was coming. Her eyes slipped closed when Rachel looked away, believing that was enough of a reply and suddenly wanting to be anywhere but in this dressing room, in this moment. She stood as she heard a knock on the door, her eyes catching a blur of blue on the table while she fought the tears that threatened to spill out of her eyes. She waited until Rachel paid the delivery guy before taking the few steps back to the door.

"I'll let you eat your dinner." She didn't give her a chance to respond, leaving before she could break down in front of her, not wanting her to feel as though she should comfort her again. She didn't stop when she heard Rachel open the door behind her, her soft request for her to come back interrupted by the sound of a few of the cast returning with their own food in hand. When she reached the chair that still held her bag she felt a hand grab her arm and spin her around, brown eyes meeting hers and flashing challengingly when their gazes met.

_**She's seriously pissed off at you right now.**_

_**I don't understand why, I was giving her space. She likes space to think things over.**_

"So you're big plan to convince me that you won't get scared and run away again is to jump to conclusions and leave the room before I can respond to you? That's really goddamn stupid."

"I just thought you needed some space."

"If I want space I'll ask for it. Why do you always do that? Why can't you just let me make my own decisions and talk them through with me instead of thinking you know better…that I'm hiding something that you have to figure out and fix for me? _That_ was always our biggest problem."

_**What does she want from me? How am I supposed to know the right thing to do in this situation? It's not exactly easy for me. There's just so much pressure.**_

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm struggling here too Rachel. I don't know what to do, or what to even say half the time. I have no idea how to fix this and I don't think I'd survive losing you again if you decide we can't get past this."

"It would be a nice start if you actually showed me that you'll stand there and listen even if it's something you might not want to hear."

"You want me to listen to you tell me you aren't in love with me anymore? What's the point of even being here if that's true?"

"So I have to give you everything right now or that's it you're done?"

"What do you want from me Rachel? I don't know how to do this! Do you have any idea how much it hurts to look at you? You stand up on that stage and you pour your heart out to me and there's so much pain every single time you look at me. You used to look at me with so much love, I could see it through every single gesture, every gaze…and it's just not there anymore. Don't you think it's painful enough to know it's not there, do you think I really need to actually hear you say it to me?"

"God you can be so ridiculously blind sometimes. How is it possible for you to be intelligent and perceptive when it comes to directing a scene and then completely clueless when actually interacting with another human being? I never said…did you even listen to anything I just told you in there? Would I be here if I didn't…if that was the case?"

_**You said loved…as in past tense. **_

"But you wouldn't look at me, you-"

"Did it ever occur to you that I might be afraid to admit something like that to you, that I just wasn't ready yet. You want everything from me and I can't give it to you, you have to give me time. Fight your insecurities for once in your goddamn life and put yourself out there the way you always expect me to. I don't want to be the only one out on a limb anymore, you have to step out there too and trust for once that the branch is strong enough to hold us both."

_**What does she think I'm doing here?**_

"You think I'm not putting myself out there Rachel? Seriously? I'm the one standing here holding my heart out to you on a silver fucking platter, leaving myself open to have it completely shattered."

"And I'm not? Do you really think that if this doesn't work out, if we don't figure out how to get past this, that I won't get hurt all over again…because if you think that, then you're not paying close enough attention. What do you think I was saying in there? I was just telling you how much I'm struggling because no matter how hard I try to fight it, no matter how much I would give for it not to be true a big part of me is still in love with you and you were still too caught up in your own head to even hear me."

_**After everything you've told me since I came back, I don't see how you could be.**_

"Why can't I see it then? Why can't I feel it?"

"You drive me so crazy sometimes. In five years I never did anything to make you believe you couldn't trust me, so why haven't you ever been able to?"

"I did trust you."

_**Liar.**_

"You can't actually expect me to believe that. You thought I was cheating on you, you didn't believe that I was in love with you…you left me because you thought I was lying to you about our entire relationship. All because I had a secret once during our entire relationship, once…and it was for you. Do you even realize how ridiculous the situation surrounding your decision to leave was?"

"I had no way of-"

"Last week when you found out what I had been planning, did it even sink in that you basically left me for trying to plan the perfect way to ask you to _marry me?"_ She stopped, standing with her hands on her hips and stared her down, her eyes still flashing angrily. "Did it?"

_**It broke my already battered heart.**_

"You have no idea how deeply it sank in."

"Good."

"I'm sorry."

"You better be."

_**Tell her it meant something to you, that it kills you to know that you screwed that up.**_

"You didn't have to do that you know. I would have said yes no matter how you asked."

"I'm going to fight the overwhelming urge to hit you right now and walk away from this conversation."

"Rach-"

"No. You don't get to say that to me. You don't get to tell me that you would have married me and walked away anyway. Do you realize how much worse that makes everything?"

"It should show you that I wanted to stay."

Her posture stiffened even further and her voice raised higher, anger and pain mixing together to deepen the tone. "Then why didn't you?"

"Because I'm not perfect Rachel, I make mistakes…so do you. Why doesn't it mean anything at all to you that I'm standing here? You've been throwing everything you can think of to hurt me right in my face and I'm still here, why doesn't that count for anything." She watched Rachel's stance ease slightly, her face softening as she took in a deep breath, slowly blowing the air out her bangs dancing up away from her forehead when the air whooshed through them.

_**How can such a simple thing like getting the hair out of her eyes be so endearing?**_

_**Because, it's Rachel…**_

"It does. Two weeks ago I wouldn't have admitted anything to you regarding my feelings. I definitely wouldn't have comforted you…but you've got to stop jumping to conclusions, you need to learn to really hear me and stop reading between imaginary lines. It's not helping things."

"I'm working on it."

"Look, I know you're trying. It's just going to take time, I don't know if I can get past this, there's a lot to go back and sort through. There's a lot of pain and anger that's going to come out…but I'm still standing here too, in case you haven't noticed." She turned her head when she heard people wandering out into the theatre area, glancing down at her watch. "I really need to go eat something. I've been skipping entirely too many meals lately." She turned away, pausing to look back briefly before she left the room.

_**That's the first time she's looked at you without looking like she was going to hit you or cry.**_

_**Yeah, it is. **_

_**That could be a good sign. **_

_**Don't get too far ahead of yourself, she just said she doesn't know if she can work past it all. **_

_**Why can't you let me have one damn moment?**_

_**I'll tell you what, when she looks at you like she used to, with love shining so bright in her eyes it's amazing the entire world doesn't notice it, then you can have your moment.**_

_**What if that doesn't happen? **_

_**Then at least you'll know you tried, at least she'll know you tried.**_

_**That's comforting.**_

_**Okay, how about this…at least she said she's still in love with you.**_

_**She did, didn't she? Hey look at that, you're being nice.**_

_**Even I can have my moments.**_

Quinn entered the small, on-campus theatre hesitantly. She knew Rachel had to be here somewhere, there was no way she wouldn't come to support Kurt. It wasn't exactly a job Kurt would include in his resume, but Rachel always came to see him in everything, even something he was doing for someone else. She wanted to avoid running into her if she could help it, she wasn't entirely sure if she would respond well to seeing her outside of their work environment. While things had gotten less uncomfortable over the week following their last confrontation, she was still unsure how to be around her most of the time. Rehearsals had considerably improved while Rachel seemed to focus on treating her like a friend, but Quinn was struggling with the role, the intense feeling of loss increasing every time she was just friendly towards her.

She had arrived late on purpose, opting to stand at the back of the small theatre when it had been apparent that the back row was full. She watched the first half of the show without worrying too much, considering she couldn't actually tell who was in the audience from where she stood, leaning against the wall behind the back row. She honestly hadn't expected an intermission from such as small production in a college theater and was attempting to blend into the rest of the audience while they milled about, discussing the first act while they sipped their drinks. She managed to make it through more than half of the intermission before Rachel's radar seemed to kick in, brown eyes spotting her across the room and she immediately moved towards her.

"What are you doing here?"

"Kurt invited me."

"Of course he did. I was wondering who he was saving the other seat in the front row for, why didn't you sit in it?"

"I got here a little late, so I just stood at the back of theatre." She watched when brown eyes took on a sad sheen, shifting away from her own.

"You were trying to avoid me…" She sighed softly, abandoning her drink on a nearby table in favor of hugging her arms around herself. "…how did we get here?"

"I'm sorry Rach, I just don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"You should take your seat for the next half…there's really no reason for you to stand in the back by yourself."

"Are you sure?"

Rachel rolled her eyes, obviously slightly annoyed by the question. "It's ridiculous that you see me almost every day and won't sit next to me at a friends' play." She paused, her eyes lifting to Quinn's as they shifted, sadness seeping into brown depths. "Do I really make you that uncomfortable? I thought things had progressed a little bit beyond that, I know it's been a while since we talked about anything but work…but I've been friendly all week, I thought things were improving."

"I'm sorry, I'm just trying to give you space and I wanted you to be able to enjoy the night without having to deal with me on your day off…you already have to face me enough during the week." She sighed, closing her eyes when she saw Rachel's eyes glisten in response to her obvious level of discomfort. "Of course I'll sit with you."

She silently cursed Kurt for his ridiculously obvious ploy to force them to interact with each other while she followed the woman back to her seat, taking the empty place beside her. She felt her cheeks redden when her arm brushed up against Rachel's and she shifted attempting to give her more space, feeling even more awkward. Guilt washed through her when she caught the hurt in Rachel's eyes in response to her tense adjustments.

_**You're hurting her even more by being awkward.**_

_**What else am I supposed to do? I don't know how to interact with her as if nothing happened.**_

_**Maybe you should just stop worrying so much about everything and just be yourself.**_

_**How am I supposed to do that? All I want is to be with her again…**_

_**And do you think that's going to ever happen if you keep this up?**_

She took a deep soothing breath, lifting her arm back up to the armrest she had previously abandoned, making sure to place it against Rachel's…feeling warmth spread through her body when she remained where she was, letting their arms rest against each other.

Quinn soon found herself alternating between shooting nervous glances at Rachel out of the corner of her eye and attempting to ignore the rising level of tension between them when the play's subject matter delved more and more into romantic depths. By the curtain call she was seriously regretting her decision to come, convinced she should have found a way out of it. She wondered if Kurt would genuinely kill her if she opted to come up with an excuse to leave immediately. The urge to bolt was overwhelming and she pushed it down as far as she could, knowing Rachel would classify the action as running away from the situation. Instead she smiled awkwardly while she followed her back stage to find Kurt. His face lit up when he saw them approaching, pulling Quinn into an unpleasantly tight hug before going on a small rant about being annoyed with her for letting so much time pass before she actually came to see him. Before she could actually even register what was happening in his excitedly manic conversation, she found herself invited to go to dinner with the three of them, both sets of eyes staring expectantly at her while she stood before them feeling completely set up by him.

_**That just sounds really uncomfortable all aroun, and I don't know if Rachel wants me to go.**_

_**She's not saying anything.**_

_**She did say she's been making an effort to be friends all week…**_

_**It's not exactly easy to just be friends with her.**_

_**Be patient. Show her you can do what she asks.**_

"I'm not so sure, I have a meeting tomorrow with Richard, I should get home early and it's already getting late."

"I haven't seen you in months. Do you really think you're going to get away with an excuse? You're coming to dinner with us, besides you haven't met my guy yet and he's a big fan of yours…he's constantly going on and on about nuances in the films you did junior year."

She sighed nervously, her gaze lifting to Rachel who was watching her silently, dark eyes challenging her to deal with the situation. "Okay, fine, but I really can't stay too late."

_**I have a really bad feeling about this.**_

_**If she didn't want me to go she would have let me know.**_

_**Why can't you ever pay attention to your own gut reactions to things?**_

By the time they were all seated and had ordered, Quinn actually found herself relaxing, despite the fact that she had been forced into the seat beside Rachel by a grinning Kurt. She found herself pulled immediately into a conversation about directing and she was more than happy to talk about a subject that seemed like it might be safe. She could see Rachel watching her out of the corner of her eye while she talked about the film they had done together, blushing slightly when vivid memories of the project drifted to the forefront of her mind. All the stolen moments they had shared on that set, all of the meaningful glances, all of the subtle flirting under the mask of their supposed friendship.

"Well, what are you doing now? Do you have anything coming out soon?"

_**A movie that I want to forget…it's too much of a reminder of the last six months of my life.**_

"Quinn and Rachel are doing a Cabaret Revival. I can't believe I didn't tell you about it."

"Really? I could have sworn I heard something about a movie that you were working on."

"I don't have much coming out besides the show we're working on." She moved her focus to her plate, eyes shooting up to Kurt when he began to respond for her, his tone taking on a bitter edge.

"Oh she's just being modest. She just got back from Paris after working on a project that half of NYU would have killed for. Did you not want to talk about that film until it came out? Or were you just avoiding the subject for obvious reasons?"

_**Damn you Kurt.**_

_**Did you honestly expect anything different? He's angry.**_

Quinn shot him an annoyed look when she noticed Rachel shift her eyes to her plate, poking things around with her fork.

"Am I missing something here?" The boy looked back and forth between his boyfriend and Quinn, confused.

"Do you have something to say to me Kurt?"

"Whatever would I have to say? It's not like you broke my best friend's heart or anything when you left."

_**You son of a bitch, why do you have to do this tonight?**_

_**You left him too, he was supposed to be your friend and you disappeared on everyone, not just Rachel.**_

"Is this why you invited me tonight?"

"I invited you because I haven't seen you in six months, since you disappeared off the face of the earth without any consideration for anyone but yourself."

_**You have no idea why I left.**_

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Then enlighten me."

"This isn't the time or the place. Let's just try to have a nice dinner."

"By all means, let's pretend everything's just peachy, after all you shouldn't have to explain yourself. You're Quinn Fabray you're above the rest of us right? You can do whatever you want without consequences."

_**Why does everyone think I just walked happily away? Why can't they get it through their heads that I got my heart broken too?**_

"You think I didn't face consequences? Do I look like I'm happy to you Kurt? Do I look like I didn't get hurt? Do you think that I wasn't miserable every single day of the last six months?"

"I think I got to watch my best friend fall apart while you went off to Europe to work on your dream job and then you had the nerve to walk back into her life as though you had the right."

"Do you think this is easy for me? I know what I lost Kurt. I don't need you to remind me."

"You didn't lose anything, it's not like whoops where did my relationship go, you threw it away."

"You know what—" She shut her mouth when Rachel threw her napkin onto the table, pushing her chair back to stand.

"This was supposed to be fun. I was supposed to get a night off from all of this. Excuse me, but I'm done with this dinner." She shot Kurt an angry glare before turning and walking away from the table.

"Look what you did now." His tone was clipped, his voice low.

"I didn't do this, you did…you've never been able to keep your nose out of other people's business." She stood, following behind Rachel. By the time she got outside Rachel was already closing the door to a cab. "Damn it."

"I'll go talk to her."

"I think you've talked enough tonight Kurt."

"Right because this is all my fault."

"We were finally at a point where we could have actually had a nice evening. She didn't need this from you right now." She raised her arm, trying to flag down a cab.

"So I'm just supposed to let her go home upset?"

"I'm going after her. If she wants to talk to you she'll call you." She turned away from him, focused on the passing traffic, freezing when she heard his reply.

"Don't you dare break her heart again Quinn."

"You know what your problem is Kurt…you never once took into consideration that I got hurt too. You have no idea why I left. You have no idea what we've been going through since I got back. I would do anything to get her back, every single day of my life is sheer torture right now and I'm still standing here giving her the power to break me if she wants to, so just back the fuck off." She turned and opened the door to the cab that stopped beside her, slamming the door in his face after sliding into her seat, fixing him with a steady glare while the car pulled away from the curb.

When Rachel opened the front door to the apartment in response to the soft knock, she didn't even look up from the bottle of Tylenol she was trying to open, turning back towards the kitchen while she spoke over her shoulder.

"Kurt I don't want to talk to you about this right now, I asked you not to say anything whenever you saw her."

Quinn cleared her throat softly, closing the door behind her while she tried to ignore the feeling that washed over her when she walked into their apartment for the first time since she had left.

"Quinn…what are you doing here?"

_**She doesn't look even remotely happy to see me here.**_

_**She's surprised. Give her a minute to recover.**_

"I wanted to make sure you were okay." She stood awkwardly by the door, uncertain if she was really welcome in what had once been her own home. "I'm sorry about tonight. I shouldn't have gone to dinner."

"Kurt started it. It wasn't really your fault."

"I understand why he's angry with me. I left him too…and he has a right to want to protect you." She looked away, uncomfortable silence stretching between them. "I'll go. I just wanted to check on you. I guess I shouldn't have followed you, I was just worried, you were so upset and-"

"Of course I'm upset, this is hard. We can't even have a normal evening together as friends."

_**I'm sorry, I was trying.**_

"I know…I don't know how to be around you anymore. I have to constantly be on guard, so I don't do or say the wrong thing."

"What are we even doing here?"

"I'm not sure."

"Are we just fooling ourselves?"

"What do you mean?"

"Is this actually something that can ever move forward again, or are we just refusing to let go of what we used to be…maybe…maybe we just don't want to see that this is really too far gone."

_**Please don't say that. Please don't ever say it's gone. **_

"It's not gone for me. That's why this is so hard."

"I'm just so…mixed up. All week long I've been treating you like a casual acquaintance and yet you're here looking at me the way you always did, love shining out of your eyes…and I don't understand how that's there, how you can feel that strongly after you left me."

"I told you-"

"Don't you dare say that you didn't want to leave me, again."

"But it's true."

"You left because it was too hard to stay and deal with whatever it was we were going through."

_**I left because I thought you wanted someone else.**_

"I left because I honestly thought you weren't in love with me anymore it was killing me, I ran away because I couldn't take the idea of you leaving me…If I left it was something I could try to change, if you did it that meant it was really over…and that was something I couldn't handle."

"That doesn't even make any sense, leaving is leaving, no matter who does it."

"That's not true. I thought that if you got whatever it was you felt you were missing out of your system you would start to miss me, to miss us and then we could be together again."

"But I didn't feel like I was missing anything. I don't understand why you keep saying that." She twisted her hands and the cap to the Tylenol shot across the room, her brow furrowing when she turned to look for it.

"According to Jesse you did."

Her back stiffened and she turned back to face Quinn, cap forgotten. "What?"

"He told me you weren't in love with me anymore, that you were with me because of all the things I had done for you, that you felt you owed me…"

"Do you really think I would ask someone to marry me because I felt I owed it to them?"

She dropped her gaze to the floor, her voice lowering. "I didn't know you were planning to ask me that."

"Clearly."

"I thought that I was holding you back from what you really wanted. That I couldn't really make you happy with the life I was offering you. He said I owed you the opportunity to experience other things, other people…that expecting you to stay with the same person you'd been with since high school was unreasonable, that you had fallen for him and didn't want to do that to me."

"And you believed him because…?"

"It seemed like you were pulling away. We were having problems and it fit, it made sense… and then I overheard you talking to him and you seemed to confirm what he said."

"What do you think I said?"

"I heard you say that we'd been through a lot together and you couldn't do that to me, that you couldn't do it 'that way' after everything I'd done for you that you owed me more than that…after what he said how else was I supposed to take that? How was I supposed to think you weren't talking about struggling with the idea of being with someone else?"

She threw a hand up in exasperation, the annoyance on her face edging out the discomfort and pain. "So you heard part of a conversation completely out of context and took the word of a guy that's been trying to get into my pants since high school? One that you know has a history of being a manipulative liar?"

"That's not entirely fair. It wasn't just one conversation. I messed up, I admit that…but what about you?"

"Excuse me?"

_**You let him into our lives.**_

"You knew how I felt about you spending so much time with him. After everything he did to you…he was horrible to you and you forgave him and went on as if nothing ever happened, expecting me to just be okay with that. You constantly brushed me off when I said I didn't like having him around, when I told you that the way he interacted with you made me uncomfortable. He was always flirting with you and you can't act like that was okay considering what he meant to you once. How could you possibly expect me to be all right with him being all over you all the time, even if it supposedly meant nothing to you? Why didn't it matter to you even a little that it bothered me? I may have over-reacted, but you didn't help the situation either. If you combine the way you were with him all the time with your sudden secrecy and the sneaking off to do things and then being evasive and actually lying to me a few times about where you were… with what he said to me and what I over-heard...it didn't exactly look good Rachel. We both made mistakes. Mine were just bigger."

"If you honestly believed all of that then why did you come back?"

_**I missed you so much it physically hurt.**_

"I couldn't stand being without you. I thought that things would run their course with him and then you'd realize what you gave up and start to miss me."

"Let me get this straight…" She paused long enough to run a hand across her own forehead, suddenly realizing she was still holding the little plastic bottle and turning towards the kitchen in search of a bottle of water, talking while she went. "…you thought that I fell in love with someone else, and you left to give me the opportunity to be with them…and then you actually came back? What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you ever go back to someone like that?" She paused, watching her silently for a few seconds before turning away from her to swallow a few of the pills, her voice quiet when she finally finished her thought. "How could you ever think I was like that?"

_**I never believed you would do it willingly, I thought he used your past against you…I thought he manipulated you and there was nothing I could do about it. **_

"I didn't think you did it on purpose. You were working with him every day, you had a history and you had become so close to each other…I assumed it just happened along the way and you didn't know what to do about it because you felt a certain loyalty to me. If I had known what was really going on, that you weren't actually with him all those times I didn't know where you were…"

She put the water bottle down and turned to lean against the counter, arms folded across her chest. A bitter smile crossed Rachel's face briefly, one hand coming up to rub the bridge of her nose. "I was using him as a cover so that you wouldn't figure out what I was planning, he knew that…he manipulated the entire situation to get what he wanted and I let him...and then…" She dropped her hand, opening her eyes. "This is too much at once. I don't even know what to think right now. All this time, I've been blaming you for everything and now…I don't know how to feel."

"Isn't this a good thing?"

"How could you possibly think that?"

"Because you know I had a reason. That I didn't leave you for nothing."

She pushed off the counter and walked silently towards the couch before she gestured at her, arms finally resting on her hips, her face shifting into hurt and anger once more. "You still left. Nothing changes that. You still should have talked to me, this whole thing could have been avoided if you just sat down and had a conversation with me. You let it go so far that you thought all of these horrible things about me…"

"I told you, I didn't think you purposefully intended to have feelings for him I just—"

"You still thought I would cheat on you, do you have any idea what that means about our relationship?" She closed her eyes and hugged her arms around herself, taking a few steps towards the living room area, her voice quiet when she continued. "God Quinn, I wanted to spend my life with you and all you could think about was how I could possibly hurt you."

"You know how manipulative he can be, this wasn't entirely my fault Rachel."

"You should have had more faith in me…you should have had more faith in us. If five years of fidelity wasn't enough to prove that I wouldn't do that to you, what the hell could I possibly have done to show you that I would never hurt you like that? I would have been faithful to you forever and you couldn't even trust me enough to tell me you were having problems."

"I talked to you. I told you I didn't like having him around."

"You didn't talk to me about what was important, about what really mattered."

"I was too scared! Do you know what it would have done to me if I told you the things he was saying to me and you confirmed them?" Silence met her in response and she risked taking a few steps towards her, watching her while she turned and leaned against the back of the couch to stare at Quinn's feet, still hugging her arms around her body.

"I know that if you had said something I would have told you how much I loved you. That he was a liar and I would have stopped spending time with him. But you were so wrapped up in expecting everyone to always let you down that you never even gave me the chance to show you that I wouldn't."

"Why wouldn't I expect that Rachel?"

"Think about it, when have I ever let you down? When have I ever not been right by your side supporting you and loving you?"

"My mother stood by my father's side and he still cheated on her, he still—"

She finally lifted her sad gaze up to Quinn, anger edging slightly into her face again. "Don't. Don't even try to compare the two situations, I'm not your father and you're not your mother…and quite honestly I'm really sick and tired of you using your past as an excuse for you running away from everything the second it gets difficult. I know what you went through was hard, but I've never done anything to indicate that you couldn't trust me."

"I know."

"No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't get you to look at me without just waiting for me to turn on you. I don't know how to get past this when nothing I've done has ever changed that."

She took another step closer, desperation beginning to tingle up her spine. "But don't you see, this is exactly how we can get past this…We both know now that he manipulated us, that he used what he knew about us to tear us apart."

Her gaze dropped to the floor again. "Yeah and he was successful…Don't you see the problem with that?"

"What I see, is that this has proven to both of us that we need to work on communicating, that we took for granted how special what we had really was. We got to see how horrible it would really be if lost this and now we can appreciate it that much more…This isn't over Rach…" Three small steps closed the distance between them. When she lifted her hand to cup her face, brushing her thumb along a tan cheek bone, mahogany eyes slipped shut and her head angled into the caress while a tear slipped down one of Quinn's cheeks as she watched her reaction to the gesture.

_**Please Rach, this is fixable…we both made mistakes, but not as much as we each thought.**_

Rachel's hand came up, holding her against her face a matching tear sliding out of her eye and she pulled back when it rolled down her cheek. "It doesn't just take away the pain. I still need to think about what this means. I need to figure out if I can go back…I've been so angry at you for so long, changing how everything happened doesn't change that it actually happened. I have to go back over everything in my head, I have to absorb this. I have to think about what this means. You still left. You still didn't have enough faith in us. You still haven't actually done anything to fix the root of the issue here."

"But you said you want this to work out."

"That doesn't mean it can be fixed over-night. This is one conversation, an enlightening one…but we still have a lot to overcome, you see that right?"

_**She's not sure we can fix it. She knows the truth and still has doubts about us.**_

She stood, averting her eyes and turning her back to Rachel, hugging her arms around herself the way Rachel had been doing all night, suddenly realizing it was because she had felt too vulnerable around Quinn, as she took a step away from her. "Yeah."

"Quinn…" She stood, moving to stand in front of her, tucking a finger under her chin to try to get her to look at her. "I'm not saying this is completely impossible, I just…I thought we were stronger than that and it was so easy for him, don't you see that this means something?"

She refused to meet her eyes, turning her head away from the hand that rested on her chin. "Yeah it means that I'm too fucked up for you, that I let my own issues break us. It means I never deserved you to begin with."

_**It means that I was wrong all along, that I never actually got past anything, that I couldn't deal with this on my own. That every time you begged me to get the help I needed, I should have instead of thinking I could do it on my own, just like everything else.**_

"Quinn, that's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying that it was foolish to think that everything could just be fine without actually working on the things we thought were small, the things we thought didn't matter because we loved each other. We should have—"

"No, I get it. Really."

"Obviously you don't, or you wouldn't sound so hurt right now….look at me." She moved her hand to rest against her neck, gently begging her to meet her eyes through the touch.

_**I can't right now, I'll lose control. **_

"I should go, you asked for space." She pulled away from her, pausing when she reached the door.

"Don't shut down over this, I just want some time…show me you're willing to start working on this stuff, show me you won't run away because this just got even harder. Prove to me you can handle this…"

"I will. I'm trying. I just, being here of all places right now with you… the way you lean into my touch still while standing in our home with both of us vulnerable and me feeling like… look, I'll just, I'll see you on Monday." She stopped, turning to look at her quickly before heading out of the door.


	23. Chapter 23

_The taxi jerked forward and immediately stopped for what seemed like the hundredth time and Quinn leaned sideways towards the window, desperately seeking some cool fresh air from the window. She closed her eyes and took in a deep soothing breath, attempting to will the slight nausea away from the constant stop and go, her brow furrowing when she heard her phone ringing. A soft smile crossed her face when she saw Rachel's picture pop up on her screen and she quickly swiped the screen and lifted the phone to her ear. _

"_Hey baby, I'm stuck in traffic, I'll be there soon."_

"_How soon is soon?"_

"_I don't know, another ten or fifteen minutes?"_

"_That's not soon enough."_

"_What? Why?" She frowned when Rachel was silent for a few seconds. _

"_You were right."_

_She laughed and shook her head. "What did he say?"_

"_I didn't even talk to him yet. I just got here."_

"_Then how do you know I was right?"_

"_He's sitting at this cozy little table for two with a rose in front of him on the table, a freaking rose! Stop laughing. It's not funny."_

"_I think it is."_

"_Will you think it's funny when I go over there alone and he sweeps me into his arms and kisses me?"_

"_Right, like you're going to let that happen."_

"_I could."_

"_Uh huh."_

"_It would serve you right for laughing at me."_

"_I'm not laughing at you baby, I'm laughing at the situation."_

"_You're laughing because you knew he would think it was more than I did and I refused to believe you."_

"_Well, at least I'm not saying I told you so."_

"_You just did."_

"_Why don't you just wait by the bar, I'll be there before you know it."_

"_What if he sees me?"_

"_So go to the bathroom."_

"_Crap. He saw me."_

"_So, just stay on the phone with me." She leaned forward to peek at the street signs, sighing when she realized how far she was from the restaurant. The fingers of her free hand drummed on the arm rest and she felt herself smirk slightly when she heard the muffled sound of Rachel asking to be moved to a larger table, explaining that it would be three and not two for dinner. She bit her lip and held in the laugh, imagining the surprised and disappointed look on Jesse's face at the news that someone else would be joining them for dinner. Her hand tightened on the grip and she dropped the phone when the car jerked harder and the horn began to blare loudly. "What-"_

_The driver let out a string of unintelligible angry syllables while he stuck his head out the window and suddenly they swerved violently around the luxury car that was blocking traffic in front of the apartment building beside them. She rescued her phone from her lap, pausing just before it reached her ear when he sped through the light as it shifted quickly above their heads from yellow to red, her hand resting on the seat beside her when she leaned forward to talk to him through the safety glass. "I'll throw you an extra twenty if you stop running reds."_

_His eyes lifted to the rear view mirror and he agitatedly began speaking to her in a foreign language. She rolled her eyes and dug her fingers into the seat when he sped up to pass through another changing light. When she caught another street sign she raised her voice, finally managing to slide to the opposite door as she did so. "Stop here. This is fine."_

_He glared at her in the mirror again before swerving dangerously close to the parked cars and slamming on his breaks. She ignored whatever he was saying and threw money over the seat, rushing out of the cab when he began cursing about the lack of a tip. She seemed to remember she had the phone in her hand while the cab peeled away and she put it back up to her ear in time to hear Rachel ordering a drink and she chimed in with a drink choice of her own since she was so close to the restaurant. "Get me a glass of wine Rach."_

_Rachel calmly ordered Quinn's drink and thanked the server before the muffled sounds of the restaurant around them filled Quinn's ear and she shook her head, imagining them staring awkwardly at each other across the table. She wondered if Rachel was trying to avoid looking at the flower he was probably fidgeting with on the table, her smile stretching even further when she heard Rachel break the silence. "So, do you have a date after dinner?"_

_She couldn't help but laugh, wondering what Jesse's response was exactly when she heard Rachel's intake of breath before her own response. "I can't imagine why you would think that. We're going to be costars, I don't date costars. I think I'm a little offended that you would automatically assume that I would be single."_

_Quinn smirked again, knowing that Jesse had to be backpedaling in response, one eyebrow quirking when Rachel spoke again. "Why would the cast or director know my relationship status? I don't go around announcing the details of my personal life."_

_Quinn cleared her throat. "Baby, I'm going to hang up on you, I'm here." She didn't mind that Rachel didn't respond to her and she slipped her phone into her pocked and pulled the door open, smiling broadly when her eyes landed on Rachel, who looked visibly relieved while she waved her over to the table. _

"_Hey, you, glad you made it after all the strange cursing I could hear in the back ground."_

_Quinn smiled and leaned forward to drop a slightly lingering kiss on Rachel's waiting lips, her bottom lip tucking in between her teeth when she sat and caught the expression on Jesse's face, unwilling to laugh at the comically stunned look. "You know I hate taxi's and that guy was doing his best to prove why. Hello Jesse, it's… well, interesting to see you again. Congratulations on landing the role."_

_Rachel leaned forward and placed a quick kiss on Quinn's shoulder before she moved a little closer, her hand loosely twining with Quinn's on her lap. "You're just in time to join the conversation about Jesse thinking he had invited me on a date."_

"_Did he now?" She shook her head and began to peruse her menu, desperately trying not to laugh and actually succeeding. "You shouldn't try to date your costars Jesse, it can cause all sorts of problems. I mean, the potential PR issues alone, are enough to give a director nightmares."_

"_Um… are you guys messing with me, or what?"_

_Quinn bit her lip again and squeezed Rachel's hand against her own leg. "Oh yeah, we base our entire lives around you, didn't you know? My biggest goal in life is fucking with your head."_

_He sat back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest, a wall of conceit that she had come to know well once rising up across him. "So I'm supposed to believe that you're a couple? That Rachel actually…" He paused and his eyes drifted down to the table, glazing over while he sifted through his thoughts, then his brow furrowed and they cleared while he looked back up at them. "…No, actually this makes sense. I knew there had to be a reason Rachel didn't properly appreciate my unbelievably romantic advances. Surely a straight woman would have appropriately swooned right into my bed were I to transfer to a losing team for them, not to mention my above masterful serenades."_

_Quinn rolled her eyes and glanced over at Rachel, who was looking at her. She smiled when she caught her eye and quirked an eyebrow in question, surprised when Rachel shrugged rolled her own eyes playfully at Quinn. "You haven't changed an iota since high school, have you Jesse?"_

_He furrowed his brow at Rachel, obviously not amused by her focus of attention on Quinn, or her comment. "Why would I change?"_

_Rachel shook her head and took a sip of her drink, her hand slipping out of Quinn's in favor of absently drawing circles on the inside of her wrist while she settled back in her chair. "So, you wanted to meet to get 'reacquainted' before our first rehearsal and here I am."_

"_Yes, well, I guess I thought we should walk into rehearsal on Monday on the best terms we possibly can be."_

_Quinn snorted and coughed slightly when wine went partially up her nose, her hand reaching out for the glass of water at the edge of the table while Rachel gently rubbed her back. Jesse frowned and focused his attention back on her. "That was funny because…?"_

"_Seriously?" She coughed again and patted Rachel's leg to let her know she was okay. _

"_What's wrong with wanting the best rapport possible with my costar?"_

"_Come on Jesse, let's be honest. You arranged this to get a chance at what you so desperately wanted in high school."_

"_And what would that be?"_

"_You're really going to make me say it?"_

_He narrowed his eyes while he appraised her, finally shifting his gaze over to Rachel, who glanced at him before looking back at Quinn. He watched her for a few seconds, seeming to realize that she didn't even know he was watching her as she lifted a hand and lovingly brushed a few strands of blonde hair behind Quinn's ear that had caught in her mouth during her coughing. _

_Quinn's eyes were trained on him, her back stiffening when he focused on Rachel and something seemed to click in his brain when his eyes lit up and he smirked briefly before he recovered an air of slight indifference. He shrugged and took a sip of his drink. "I guess I'm, as they say, busted. Now that we've established that Rachel would prefer Audrey Hepburn to Gene Kelly, allow me to gracefully offer my friendship so we may support each other through our hopefully long production together."_

"_Well then, let's have dinner and talk about our characters."_

"_Indeed." He smiled and quickly pulled out his script from a bag in the empty chair beside him and flipped to a specific page, leaning forward to point something out to Rachel. _

_Quinn kept her gaze focused on him, not missing the controlled shift or the quickly covered gleam in his eyes while he watched Rachel focus in on the script. She grinned when Rachel turned to her to ask what she thought the director would do in the scene they were focused on, since she was a director herself she quickly clarified to Jesse, the smile not quite reaching her eyes. Her body remained tense while she watched them picking apart the script and adjusting their conversation after her response, her attention focused on him throughout the meal. She could see Rachel's walls dropping with each shared character analysis and something uncomfortable began to nudge up her spine. _

Quinn missed most of the first half of rehearsal on Monday. Richard had called her late the night before, informing her that he would be in town and that he wanted to meet with her. By the time she arrived at the theatre, with him in tow, she was ready to pull her own hair out of her head and shove it down his throat just to get him to shut up. She introduced him to the cast, asking them to perform a few select songs for him. She kept herself from looking at Rachel while she sang by pulling James over to the side of the room to discuss the meeting with him. After they finished the last song they had ready for him, she told everyone they could take a short break, giving herself time to get Richard's responses.

She finally caught Rachel's gaze when she turned back to the stage after watching James usher Richard out of the theatre. Brown eyes were studying her, something unidentifiable in them while she watched her before she turned away and headed backstage, Quinn finding herself following behind her.

"Richard loved you, he thinks you're going to steal the show and coming from Richard…" She paused when Rachel only quirked half a smile in response to the compliment. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

_**What did you do?**_

_**I have no idea.**_

"Please don't do that, tell me what's wrong." She closed the door, moving to kneel beside where she sat on the couch.

"I just…I convinced myself that you weren't here this morning because…I thought…"

Quinn leaned forward, her hands covering Rachel's in her lap, her thumb gently caressing her hand while she waited for her to meet her gaze. "You asked me to prove to you that I can handle this…I'm not going anywhere Rachel, I won't ever walk away from you again."

"I guess it's just going to take some time for me to believe that."

"If you thought I was gone, why are you upset that I'm not?"

"I'm not upset that you're here, I just…" She pulled away, dropping her eyes to the floor again. "I've been thinking and…"

She stopped, visibly struggling under Quinn's gaze. When she spoke again her voice was quiet, sadness evident in her tone. "Just say it, please."

"…why are you still here after what I told you I did with him?"

_**That's what she's freaking out about? **_

_**Oh, thank god.**_

_**Doesn't she see that it's because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop loving her? Because I put her through hell when we were younger and she stood by me. Because I'm so in love with her that it scares me sometimes.**_

_**Say that.**_

_**No, I don't want to scare her away.**_

_**Well, at least say some of it…**_

"I told you, I've been trying to prove that I won't leave you again…that I'll find a way to deal with whatever comes our way. What we had before he came back into our lives…it was worth fighting for, so I've been fighting. The idea of somehow getting back to where we were before him is all that's kept me going. I'm not going to pretend it didn't hurt, that it doesn't still hurt more than I'd care to admit, but…it hasn't changed how in love with you I still am."

_**Our home was the only place I've ever been happy.**_

"I threw all of it in your face…Jesse, the ring…I used all of it to hurt you and you just took it. I let you take all the blame and you let me do it…and it kills me that I'm still struggling with this."

"Struggling with what?"

"Trying to forgive you…I've hurt you more than once since you've been back and you just forgave me, just like that…and I'm still having trouble getting past you leaving me."

"I don't expect you to just magically be okay with that Rachel, it was a huge mistake. I understand."

"I think the thing is…you broke my heart in a way I never thought you ever would, I trusted you so completely and you didn't return that trust enough to just do what needed to be done to save our relationship."

_**I don't like where this is going. I'm not sure I want to hear this.**_

_**You will stand here and listen to her or I swear I'll figure out a way to make you regret it.**_

_**Calm yourself, I'm listening, I just don't want to.**_

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying, I don't know how to trust you again. You still ran away, no matter what the reason is, you always run away. I was so convinced that you were done with that, that you had found a way to realize that I would always be there for you…and I was so very wrong."

"I'm not running now."

"But we've been here before. You've worked hard to convince me you'd stand by me before…we spent years building a life together and you were still able to walk away. I never could have done that. I never could have turned my back on what I thought we had."

_**It was different before. I didn't know what it would really be like to be without you. It was a thousand times worse than anything I could ever have imagined.**_

"Can you honestly tell me that anything we've ever been through has been as bad as things have been since I came back?"

"Before you left I would have said the same thing about what we went through when we were younger."

"Can you tell me that there's anything you could do that would make me want to run more than…thinking about you with him. There's been nights when I close my eyes all I can picture is him kissing you, touching you…being with you…and I haven't run Rachel. Nothing in the world could hurt me more than the idea of you with him and I'm still right here."

"I don't even know what we have between us anymore. We look at each other differently now. I look at you as someone that has and could, shatter me."

"I—"

"I don't honestly know if I should trust with my heart again."

"Please don't say that."

"We're not the same people we were Quinn, this has changed us. We look at each other differently now."

"That's just part of growing Rach…"

"Do you really think you can look at me and ever not just see him? Things won't ever be the same. Do you really think you could ever…kiss me and not think about that? Can you honestly tell me that we could ever…be together, physically without you thinking about what I did?"

_**I won't let him take that from us.**_

"All I see is you Rach. When we kissed in the bathroom, all I thought about was you…when we were arguing that day in the theatre and you pushed me up against the wall…it was still there between us, that spark we've always had was right there. You can't tell me you didn't feel it, I know you did."

"That was before I told you about him."

_**How can she not feel this, the tension that's always there?**_

_**Maybe she doesn't want to see it for what it is.**_

"Do you think things would be as tense between us if that wasn't still there?"

"I think things are tense because of everything that's happened and I think it's easy to feel something if you want to badly enough."

"If you aren't even sure if you could ever be with me again, then why are you so afraid to find out? Wouldn't that just make it easier for you?"

"I told you the other night that I've already set myself up to get hurt here again. If we try this and it's not really there anymore…if this is just because things were left unfinished…"

_**I won't hurt you again Rachel, I can't.**_

"If you're…if we're both at the point where we would get hurt if this didn't work out, then why are you still fighting it?"

"Because I'm terrified!"

"So am I! God Rachel, you can't seem to get it through your head that I got my heart broken too. You've been acting like you were the only one that went through this, the only one with pain and regret. Do you have any idea what it did to me to think you were in love with someone else? Do you even realize how much it hurt to come back to have my biggest fears thrown in my face? How can you possibly think that I'm not scared? I've never been this terrified of losing something in my entire life, I didn't have any idea what it would really be like to lose you before and now…I can't even think about this not working, I can't…" She trailed off, dropping her gaze when she moved to sit on the couch beside Rachel, dropping her face into her hands to massage her own aching temples. She could feel Rachel's eyes on her, studying her through the thick silence that stretched between them.

Rachel's voice was quiet when she finally spoke. "Is this too hard?"

"What?"

"Maybe it shouldn't be this hard, maybe that means something."

_**It means we still love each other, why can't she see that?**_

"It means it's worth having."

"How do we figure out if this is still real?"

"I don't know. Maybe the fact that we're both terrified of how this could go shows just how much is still there…" She turned her head, attempting to catch Rachel's eye, lifting her hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. "It wouldn't hurt if we didn't care. We're both standing at the edge of a precipice…the question is do we take a leap of faith or remain safely on the ground? You've always been worth the risk to me…I choose to leap."

Rachel lifted her gaze at the gesture, finally looking back into the hazel eyes that were pleading softly with her. "I…" She trailed off and sighed softly, closing her eyes before she finished in a deep whisper. "…I want this too. I missed you, so much."

Quinn felt her eyes tear up slightly, a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips as relief flooded through her at the soft confession. She leaned forward, closing her eyes and resting her forehead against Rachel's.

"Thank you, for being willing to say that to me." She pulled her head back, opening her eyes and suddenly realizing how close they were to each other. The gesture had been automatic and now she froze as brown eyes watched her, scrutinizing hazel depths, a question visible in them. She could feel her own head angling when Rachel's body called out to her, pulling her towards her as it always did and she wondered if it was really possible for Rachel to be unable to feel that ever present tug towards each other.

She stilled when she could feel Rachel's breath against her lips, watching her eyes slip shut. Her hand slowly ran up Rachel's arm, resting it against her cheek while she gently traced the line of it with her thumb. She could feel Rachel's breath hitch slightly, electricity arcing between them and she briefly wished that her eyes were open so she could tell if she was feeling it, too. In the past she had never doubted that Rachel could feel the intensity between them, but now she was having trouble telling if she had her guard up too high to recognize it. She needed her to feel it, to feel the connection…to prove it was still there and she leapt…leaning forward to brush their lips together, almost growling with frustration when there was a knock on the door.

Rachel jerked back, the moment shattered when James poked his head around the door. "Hey, you didn't have to wait for me to come back in to end break…he just wouldn't stop talking. You ready to get back to work? We can go for another hour or two before dinner."

"Yeah, just give us a minute, we'll be right out."

"Everything okay?"

"Fine, just fine tuning some nuances of the script."

"Right, sure." His head disappeared again, the door clicking shut behind him.

Rachel stood the second the door was closed, grabbing a bottle of water, her back tense while she moved away from her.

"He can wait a minute, talk to me…" She followed her, one hand lifting to touch her arm, attempting to get her to turn and look at her. "Please Rach, tell me you could feel that. Tell me you realize this is just as strong between us, friends don't feel like that with each other."

"We should get back to rehearsal." She opened the door and disappeared into the hallway.

_**Damn it.**_

Quinn sighed and followed her, refusing to put the discussion completely on hold, afraid that Rachel would try to push everything back down out of fear after she had been trying so hard to prove to her that it was still there. She needed to reassure her that some things just hadn't changed between them, that he hadn't taken this from them. She followed her to the edge of the stage, stopping beside her, acknowledging in the back of her mind that they had been the first to arrive back in the theatre somehow.

"Rach…" She trailed off when she heard voices approaching, sighing when Rachel walked away, moving to the center of the stage. She followed suit, grabbing her script as she followed her up onto the stage, pausing to stand directly behind her, leaning forward to whisper into her ear. "We need to talk about this…"

Someone laughed and she lifted her script to make it appear as though she was talking to her about a specific line. Her eyes drifted to Rachel's neck when her body automatically responded to Quinn, her head angling, her body shifting closer to the woman that stood behind her.

_**How can she not be aware of how much she still responds to you?**_

_**Are you aware of how much you respond to her? You're playing with fire here, you need to back up and get away from her.**_

_**But it feels so right to be near her again…I'd give anything to touch her.**_

_**She won't let you.**_

_**I need to touch her, just for a second… I can prove to her that this is just as intense as it ever was.**_

_**Are you going to listen to me if I tell you to turn and walk away? What am I even saying, of course you won't, why do I even bother?**_

She moved her head closer to Rachel, lifting the script further up, pointing her finger towards a random spot on the page…using the move to brush her hand against the bare shoulder the tank top she was wearing exposed.

"I know you said you're not sure what's between us anymore…but wouldn't it be better to find out before things go any further? Wouldn't it make things easier if you knew without a doubt that at least this…hasn't changed? No one could ever take this from us Rach…" She shifted her tone as she finished the sentence, her voice automatically taking on a more seductive timbre while she edged a little closer. She knew her breath would be tickling the shell of Rachel's ear and she smiled slightly when she noticed an almost imperceptible shiver pass through tan shoulders. She felt a pang of desire shoot through her own body, even as Rachel shifted revealing the blush that reddened her cheeks slightly.

"So, are we going to go over anything from earlier, or move on to something else?"

Quinn looked up from the script, trying to hide the glare she knew she was giving James, before she begrudgingly pulled back and walked to the side of the stage. She shook her head, struggling to get herself back under control. She had almost forgotten how hard it was for her to resist Rachel, the way her body called to her.

"Um, no, we can move on. What's next?"

"We skipped 'Don't Tell Mama' yesterday, we can go back and work on that."

"Yeah, fine." She lifted up her hand, rubbing her forehead, not even realizing what she was agreeing to work on while everyone took their places. She picked up her script, heading up to the stage while she flipped to the page in her notebook that held her plan for the scene, stopping as she read her notes.

_**Fuck. I can't work on this with her right now. **_

_**You have to.**_

_**I'm already struggling being near her, now you want me to show her how I want this scene done? Really?**_

_**It'll be suspicious if you choose not to work on it.**_

_**I should have chosen a different damn musical to work on with her. **_

"Ok, um…we don't need everyone to stay for this scene…everyone that's not in it can go to dinner early, there's no reason to keep you all for this."

_**Is it really any easier with fewer people watching you attempt to interact with her?**_

_**Shut up.**_

"Okay, let's run through it once as it is before I make any changes, just to see what Mark had in mind for the choreography first."

She kept to the side of the stage the first few times they ran through the routine, occasionally changing things here and there…trying to pretend her body wasn't still on fire from the brief contact she'd had with Rachel. She really didn't want to go over there, didn't want to adjust the scene, but it wasn't even remotely how she wanted it to be performed. She sighed, wishing Mark's choreography was even in the same ball park as her vision for the character. Eventually she told them to stop, finally announcing that she wanted to change things up, that everything was too similar to the way the song had been done previously and moved to join them on the stage.

"This is the way Mark has choreographed it in the past…"

"I realize that Christie, but I think it can be hotter. This song has more than a few sexy components to it and I see no reason not to take advantage of that…instead of playing off the little girl act I want her to seduce the audience…" She moved closer to Rachel, catching and holding her gaze, her entire body taking on a life of its own when she approached her and felt the charged energy that was still passing between them. "You can handle that can't you?" She watched the silent defiant challenge that passed through Rachel's eyes and fought the satisfied smile that threatened to lift the corners of her mouth.

"Isn't choreography supposed to be done by the people with dance experience?" Christie folded her arms, clearly annoyed that Quinn was changing her routine.

"I have plenty of dance experience, thank you. I wasn't always behind the scenes. I want this to be more sexual than it has been in the past…"

"So what like more stripper and less Lolita?" Rachel kept her arms folded as Quinn circled around her, eyes widening and then rolling up in annoyance with herself when she saw Quinn pause at the comment. "I'm sorry, that wasn't, I wasn't thinking about—"

"Well, at least you know you're getting advice from a professional."

"I didn't mean it like that."

Christie raised an eyebrow before shaking her head and laughing slightly. "Don't tell me you're one of those people that took those ridiculous pole dancing classes they sell now and claim are actual dance classes."

Quinn turned her head to look at Christie, one eyebrow quirking in response. "They actually have pole dancing classes now?"

Rachel seemed to realize she had said too much and joined in, a small blush on her face while she tried to cover up her mistake. "Quinn was the head cheerleader in high school… the coach at our school was completely insane, she made them do all sorts of weird choreography and dance steps, some of them were beyond extreme."

Quinn's other eyebrow lifted, a small smile on her face while she watched Rachel stuttering her explanation.

"You guys went to high school together?"

"I have this scene all mapped out already…"She completely ignored his question, instead handing Rachel her notebook so she could read the outline she had for the scene, buying herself a few minutes before she had to step forward and actually begin.

Rachel read the page, her face reddening slightly, before she lifted her eyes to Quinn's and handed her back the book.

"James grab me a chair would you? I want to put tables around the edge of the stage, I want the real audience to merge into the fake one and spill out on stage so it's more interactive. If she was really this kind of performer in a club, she should be interacting with her audience more so we're going to put extras in some of the chairs and a dancer or two. The Emcee will introduce you, you'll come out smile sexily, blow a kiss, generally flirt with your audience…as you walk past the men at the tables, I want you to do things like tousle their hair, run a hand down a shoulder, etc. Right there, James, put it there. Here, Rachel sit in the chair for a minute so I can show you what I want you to do."

She placed her hands on the back of the chair, watching when Rachel sighed and shot her a nervous look before moving over to take her place in the chair. Quinn's lips twitched up into a small involuntary smile at the idea of being able to touch her again.

_**I have the feeling we're both about to find out exactly what is or isn't still between us.**_

"Okay, this is your target for the beginning of the song, it's the chair in the prime location for our actual audience to see you the best. You're going to come up behind him, start with your hands on his shoulders then slide them down so your arms are around his neck while you bend down and give the audience another sexy smile and say your first line almost as though you're talking into his ear 'Mama' pause 'thinks I'm living in a convent' pause again then swing around like this into his lap, your arm around his neck and cross your legs in the air so you're displaying them…" As she spoke she mimicked the actions she was describing, her tongue sliding across her teeth when she felt Rachel's breath catch before picking up while she shifted against her lap.

"Then 'a secluded little convent' thread the hand of the arm around his neck into his hair and pull his head back a little 'in the southern part of France' big pause as you lean forward, your face right next to his as if you're going to kiss his neck and run a finger down his jaw before laughing slightly, your finger going down to his chest before you slowly uncross your legs then turn in his lap to face the audience. His hands will come up to your hips… " She pulled Rachel's hands to her hips after she turned in her lap, her own heart rate speeding up a bit when she glanced back and saw the flush creeping up Rachel's face. "'Mama doesn't even have an inkling' pause as you slowly stand placing your hands on the back of your neck leaning slightly back…" She moved to the side so Rachel could see what she was doing, her eyes smoldering as she focused on the gaze that followed her every move.

"Your hands are going to slowly go down your body as you say the next line, down the side of your breasts down your ribs all the way down to your thighs as you move slowly down with them until your down like this…knees apart legs bent. 'that I'm working in a nightclub' then your slowly going to raise back up pushing your dress with you until its raised up around the middle of your stomach by the time you get to 'in a pair of lacy pants' at pants it should be up around your stomach and you shoot the audience another sexy look, the drum beats and you drop your dress back down. Okay…let's switch places so you can give it a try."

She moved over to the chair, attempting to calm her quickened breathing as Rachel took a deep breath and moved to the back of the stage to make her entrance. Once she was on her lap, Quinn's hand seemed to have its own ideas as it slid up Rachel's back, skimming her fingers ever so lightly against the bare skin at the edge of her tank top, her breath catching when she felt goose flesh rise under her touch. She slid her hands over Rachel's hips at the appropriate time, her skin catching on fire when she felt her involuntarily shift back towards the body behind her.

She watched Rachel finish the beginning of the scene, standing and moving closer to her. "Wait, you need to lift the dress up slower… it needs to be more seductive…here like this." She put her arms around her, flattening her hands on Rachel's thighs before sliding them slowly up her body, leaning her head forward so Rachel could feel her breath on her neck…feeling her own cheeks flush slightly when Rachel's head fell back on her shoulder, her eyes closing and her body shuddering slightly as Quinn's hands slid up over her hips, her thumbs brushing slightly between her thighs as they passed…then Quinn seemed to realize what she was doing as she was shoved slightly back and Rachel turned her head to look at her.

"What are you doing?"

"Do you want to get it right?" She averted her gaze, realizing she had let herself get way too caught up in the moment, before turning around and walking over to the back of the stage to join James as he stood watching from behind them, pretending not to notice as Rachel continued to glare at her as she walked away.

"Run it again. Christie do you think you can come up with something that can play off of this intro, maybe work two male dancers into the routine so when she sings 'so please sir' she's actually interacting with a sir…I want her to keep flirting and moving around the tables until the tempo picks up then we can shift into the routine…keep the female dancers joining in and singing the chorus, but add the male dancers accordingly."

"I think I can come up with something….Mark won't be overly pleased that we're changing so much."

"Then Mark can go work on something else and you can keep the job. I'm not sticking to the way the show was done in the past. If anyone has a problem with that, then they can find something else to do with their time."

"I wouldn't mind keeping this gig. I like your changes."

_**Thank god I have my notebook to prove I made these changes ahead of time, the last thing I need is her to think I planned this…**_

"Thank you." She gestured towards the front row, letting James know they were going to move down into the seats to watch while they ran the scene from the top again. She actually remained in the audience for a while, unable to keep from running her eyes over Rachel's body, occasionally catching her eye…keeping her distance for a while, letting them both calm down.

Once Rachel clearly lost herself in the scene, the tension in her body eased. Quinn moved back up to the stage, stepping in and adjusting little things here and there, occasionally brushing up against her while she sang, involuntarily running a hand down an arm or a leg as she adjusted her positioning. By the time she called the scene, the shift in tension between them was almost palpable and she found herself struggling slightly, attempting to focus and ultimately giving up and calling break.

She knocked softly on Rachel's dressing room after James finished animatedly discussing how much he thought Richard would like her changes, going in and closing the door after she heard a quiet response from behind it.

"What were you doing out there?"

"Working…"

"Come on, Quinn…that was completely unprofessional." She stood and moved towards the her as she stood leaning against the door behind her.

"I'm not…look, I showed you my book, I clearly didn't set up that scene like that to mess with you Rachel…I got caught up in the moment, I haven't touched you like that in a long time. They couldn't see what I was doing, they were behind us." She lowered her voice. "Besides, you're the one that didn't think that we still had that, the one that wanted to know, and now…" She let her eyes drift back up to Rachel's, swallowing when she recognized the heat in her eyes. She felt her body sway towards the smaller one that stood before her, instinct taking over when she realized that Rachel had been just as affected as she had, realizing that Rachel was aroused. Her hand gently grabbed Rachel's outstretched wrist, turning her so she was pressed up against the door, her hands held up beside her before moving forward to pin her against the surface.

"What are you doing?" Rachel's voice was deep, throaty as she let herself be pushed up against the door, seemingly giving in just as Quinn was.

_**You're playing with fire here…this could blow up in your face.**_

_**It could also prove to her that this is real.**_

_**I'm not so sure if you should do this…**_

"You had to feel that, you have to realize that there's still something between us…you…you still want me." She angled her head, releasing Rachel's wrists and shifting her hands up and intertwining their fingers together… moving closer slowly enough to give her time to stop her if she wanted to. Chocolate eyes displayed in intense internal struggle under her gaze and she paused once she was close enough to feel the heat from Rachel's parted lips against her own.

"I didn't realize how badly you would still want me Rach. It's driving me crazy. Can you tell me your body isn't responding the way you always have? That you don't feel this? That you're still afraid it's not here anymore?" She watched her eyes roll shut as she pressed her body flush with the smaller one, her lips barely brushing against Rachel's. Her own eyes slipped shut as Rachel pushed her head forward, deepening the kiss. At the first swirl of Rachel's tongue against her own, she moaned, releasing her hands to lightly run her fingers down the bare arms that dropped to rest on Quinn's hips, reveling in the feel of the shiver that ran through the body pressed against hers when she reached her ribs. She slid her hands to olive skinned hips, slipping her thumbs under the tank top to trace small circles against sensitive hip bones. Rachel moaned and lifted her hands to bury her fingers in Quinn's hair to pull her even closer.

When Quinn felt a hand slide around to her back to pull her closer, her own thigh slipping between Rachel's, something snapped inside of her and she deepened the kiss hungrily…control gone as their tongues danced against each other, their hands roaming achingly familiar skin, their bodies shifting tantalizingly against each other in the search for relief from the quickly mounting tension. Quinn hadn't even noticed her hand sliding up under Rachel's shirt until her nails ran down a tan back, causing Rachel to push her head back against the door. Her body arched against her away from the door, dazed eyes opening as her breath caught…and she froze, suddenly tense against Quinn's body. They remained motionless, breathing heavily, mahogany eyes widening while stared out into the heavy hazel gaze that watched her. Then Rachel was pushing her back, twisting away from the door, putting as much space as she could between them.

_**I tried to warn you.**_

_**Shut up.**_

"No. I can't do this."

"Rach—"

"Just because you proved you can still affect me like this doesn't mean you should use it against me."

"I'm not trying to use it against you, I just…it's overwhelming…"

"Well, find a way to fight it."

"I just thought that maybe if we gave in to it, things wouldn't be as difficult as they have been so far. I'm trying to make it easier for us, this is unbearable…"

"And you thought forcing me into a level of intimacy that I'm not ready for would help?"

_**I wasn't forcing anything…I was trying to prove it was still there and may have gotten caught up in the moment.**_

_**You think?**_

_**Shut up.**_

"Rach…what's happening here, you were worried about this and now you don't have to be. You wanted to know—"

"I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to be…like that with you right now and you…"

"I wasn't the only one losing control, we both were."

"Don't you think that's the problem? I don't want to lose control with you. You can't take advantage of the situation like this! How can you expect me to trust you enough to let my guard down like that right now?"

"Advantage? Are you serious? Of the two of us, which one do you think has a harder time giving their body to someone?"

"Is that a dig? About my supposed indiscretions?"

_**How did this go so wrong so fast.**_

_**Because you don't listen.**_

"What? No, that's not what I was saying."

"You know what? Get out."

"You were kissing me just as much as I was kissing you…and you wanted to know if this was still here, I was reassuring you that things were still—"

"I can't talk about this right now…I can't feel like that, I can't lose control. Do you know what happens when I lose control? I make bad decisions and I need to keep a clear head about this."

_**Is she seriously comparing me to him? What the hell?**_

"Bad deci…wait you're talking about…so you can lose control with him, but not with me…" She paused, waiting for Rachel to deny it, blinking back tears when she watched her avert her gaze. "You know what, I think I will get out." She turned and left the room, slamming the door behind her before leaning back against it, her hands coming up to cover her face.

Quinn dropped her hands from her face when she heard someone clear their throat beside her, inwardly cringing when she noticed James staring at her from a few feet away.

_**How is he always everywhere?**_

"Everything all right?"

"Of course." She straightened her back, heading past him towards the theatre, attempting to appear as nonchalant as she possibly could.

"Don't you think it's time we had a discussion about this?"

"About what?"

"Come on Quinn, this is my show too, I have a right to know what's going on."

"Nothing that concerns the show."

"Right." He shook his head, taking his seat beside her while he watched her lift her notebook out of her bag. "Your nothing smudged lipstick all over your face."

_**Son of a bitch! How could you not have thought about that?**_

_**Yeah, because that's what was on my mind right now.**_

"God damn it." Her hand flew to her mouth and she immediately pulled a small mirror out of her bag, rolling her eyes at herself, her cheeks burning while she wiped a shade of lipstick off that was decidedly not her own.

"Are you sleeping with Rachel?"

"No."

"Come on…how gullible to do you think I am?"

"I can honestly say I'm not sleeping with her."

_**Right now…**_

"So her lipstick jumped off—"

"Don't start with the sarcasm…I…she's…it's complicated."

"Well, un-complicate it."

_**If I could do that, I wouldn't be in this situation.**_

"I can't answer your questions right now, I don't have any answers."

"Are you seriously trying to piss Richard off? Do you think he's going to respond well to you trying to get into the female lead's pants? We already have to replace Cliff—"

_**I won't let her walk away from the show, she wouldn't do that anyway. And you can't possibly understand what she means to me so shut up James.**_

"No one 's going to have to replace Rachel, she's not going anywhere…and I don't really care what Richard thinks about my personal life. Beyond that, in case you've forgotten, I'm a producer in this show too. I put in just as much money as he did…and don't talk about her like that. I'm not trying to get into her pants."

_**Seems to me like you just were doing exactly that.**_

_**Shut up. I forgot how irresistible she is.**_

_**Apparently.**_

"That's not what it looks like to me."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Quinn, I realize it's been a while since we worked together…but I never saw you even so much as glance at an actress in either of the projects we did. So what's going on here?"

_**I was with Rachel then…**_

"Can we focus on rehearsal please? We need to decide what we're going to work on next."

He remained where he was, watching her, clearly annoyed that she wouldn't open up.

"I thought we were friends."

"Then leave me alone about this. I don't want to talk about it."

"Fine, but if this blows up in our faces…"

"It won't."

"Whatever." He folded his arms across his chest, sighing before he turned to glance at her notebook. "A few of Anthony's scenes could really use some work and we still have to do two of his scenes that we haven't gone over at all yet."

"Fine, we can focus the rest of today on his scenes. Who do we need for those?"

"Let's see, the two we haven't done…'Two Ladies' and 'I don't Care Much' so really just the Emcee and Kit Kat dancers."

"Right…okay we'll do those today, then for the first half tomorrow we'll focus on Fraulein Schneider and Herr Schultz."

"We have to do Sally's 'Cabaret' too."

_**Rachel will learn it all faster than the rest of them, she's incredible like that.**_

"We have a lot to do with Sally yet, but most of the scenes are with Cliff…I'm torn about doing them without him and adding him in later. We'll see where we are by tomorrow and I'll decide from there."

She glanced down at her watch, noticing that everyone was beginning to wander back into the theatre. "Why don't you go over and let Anthony know we're focusing on his scenes now, tell everyone we don't need that they can go home early."

"Sure."

Quinn returned to her notebook, flipping to the page she wanted, not noticing that Rachel was the last to re-enter the room.

"What's going on? James said to come talk to you…"

_**James is such a petty little jackass.**_

Quinn glanced up towards James, glaring at him when he shrugged before moving to speak with Anthony and Christie. "What he should have said was that we don't need you for the rest of the day, you can go home."

"What?"

She kept her eyes on her notebook, refusing to look up at Rachel. "You heard me."

"But, we've only worked on two of my scenes…and I don't have all of the choreography down for 'Don't Tell Mama' yet. I still have to finish learning the end of it, Christie was still working on it."

"We'll get to it. We're focusing on Anthony for the rest of the day."

She took a step closer, lowering her voice. "Are you doing this on purpose, so that you don't have to face me for the rest of the rehearsal?"

"Anthony is a lead in the show Rachel. I need to work one on one with him for two entire songs we haven't done at all yet…and we need to fine tune some trouble spots for him in other scenes." She continued to study the page in front of her, she could feel Rachel staring down at her, closing her eyes and rubbing her temple when she saw her storm off towards her dressing room out of the corner of her eye.

"Problem?"

"No James, she just wanted to finish working on the choreography for the end of 'Don't Tell Mama' with Christie, but we need to choreograph Anthony, so I sent her home."

"She didn't look too happy about it."

She answered automatically, her mind still distracted by the anger she had just received from Rachel. "She doesn't like it when she doesn't finish learning an entire routine in one rehearsal. She likes to practice the entire thing when she gets home at the end of the day, sometimes relentlessly."

"Um…how do you know that?"

_**Yeah, you said that out loud and you probably wouldn't know that about her…**_

"I've worked with her before, remember? I did two films with her. She won an award for one of them."

"I completely forgot about that."

_**You are beyond lucky that he bought that.**_

"Let's get to work." She stood, moving to take her usual place at the edge of the stage, pretending not to notice when Rachel walked through the side of the theatre when she left.

Quinn arrived a few minutes late the next day, annoyed after the phone conversation with Richard that had kept her from getting to the theatre on time. It was driving her crazy that he kept insisting on continuing his search for Cliff when they had a stack of candidates that were perfectly suitable for the role. She was convinced that he was doing this out of spite, still angry that Quinn had negotiated away his say on who played Sally. A part of her was certain he would find someone that would drive Quinn up a wall, purely because he resented her so much. She quietly took her seat, pulling out her notebook and sipping her coffee while she watched Maggie run through one of her scenes, impressed with her portrayal of Fraulein Schneider. James spotted her and headed over, leaning down and whispering while Maggie kept going.

"I thought we were only working on Schneider and Schultz for the first half?"

"We are. Why? Didn't you tell everyone that yesterday?"

"Well I did, but apparently you didn't. Rachel wasn't too happy that she came in for nothing."

_**Crap…**_

"Damn it. I completely forgot to tell her."

"So it seems."

"Did you tell her we might need her later?"

"She's in her dressing room. Christie taught her the choreography she came up with for the end of 'Don't Tell Mama'. Last I checked, she was in there practicing it."

"Of course she is. I'll deal with her later." She turned her attention back to the stage, choosing to focus on the performance while she pushed any thoughts of what she knew would be an unpleasant conversation out of her mind.

By the time Quinn called a half hour break, she had gotten too engrossed in the scenes to notice that Rachel was sitting watching them while they rehearsed. She was on her way back from the rest room when she finally realized that Rachel was still in the building, pausing when she spotted her leaning against the door way to her dressing room talking with James about something. She approached the two cautiously, aware that Rachel would probably still be angry that she had forgotten to tell her not to come in unless called for the day.

"How has he not found anyone yet?"

"I don't know, he said something about wanting to find the right person since Quinn was so concerned about who played Sally."

"Fantastic, he really is a spiteful jackass isn't he?"

"No one's ever claimed otherwise…but I will admit he was impressed with your performance of 'Maybe This Time.' We all were."

_**Um, he's being nice to Rachel…why is he being nice to Rachel?**_

"I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, James."

"I guess I've realized you have talent."

_**Oh, you obnoxious little suck up. She's not going to tell you anything.**_

Quinn snorted, rolling her eyes when he turned to look at her. "She's not going to tell you what's going on either James…did you actually think buttering her up once after weeks of giving her a hard time would get her to tell you her life story?"

"Can't blame me for trying."

_**Fire him, fire him…fire him.**_

_**No, I don't want to have to deal with replacing more than one person.**_

"You're on thin ice with me already, so why don't you go find something constructive to do?" She ignored the dirty look he shot her before he turned and disappeared into Anthony's dressing room. She sighed when Rachel's door clicked shut, opening it without even the slightest hesitation and following her into the room.

"So you don't feel the need to knock now?"

"I'm sorry I forgot to tell you not to come in today."

"Sure you are."

"Come on, I didn't do it on purpose."

"Wait, come in today, as in all of today? James said you didn't need me for the first half…have I been waiting around here all day for nothing? Are you actually going to send me home?"

"I haven't decided what we're going to work on after dinner yet. It depends on how it goes until then. We were going to call you in if we needed you, but for the most part I didn't think we would today."

"So should I just take the whole week off, or are you going to get over yourself?"

_**Why can't I have one day where she doesn't look at me like she hates me.**_

_**She doesn't hate you.**_

_**It certainly seems like it half the time…**_

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm in more than half of the scenes and you have me sitting on the damn sidelines doing nothing while everyone else rehearses."

"You aren't the only one in the show Rachel."

"Don't even try to pretend I'm over-reacting here. James told me you worked on 'Willkommen' yesterday after you sent me home, Sally's in that song Quinn."

_**James is a serious pain in my ass.**_

"As back up. You can learn those steps in no time. You didn't need to be here."

"Are you punishing me for refusing to have sex with you?" Her eyes were flashing, anger evident in her voice while she stared Quinn down.

_**Um, excuse me?**_

_**Calm down.**_

_**I will not, how could she think that about me?**_

"Did you actually just ask me that?" She crossed her arms, suddenly feeling the need to close herself off from the conversation, her voice taking on a note of hurt underneath the furious incredulity.

"Well that's what it looks like to me."

_**I'm not going to stand here and listen to this. She's just striking out now.**_

_**Maybe you should take a few deep breaths.**_

_**No, this is fucking crazy. I would never take advantage of her like that and the fact that she would even suggest it…**_

"This conversation is ridiculous. I'm done with it." She turned away, stopping when she heard Rachel take a step forward.

"Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you."

"When you actually want to have a rational conversation, I'll talk all you want." She left the room, heading straight back to the chair that always held her bag, sitting down to angrily stare at her notebook, sighing in frustration when Rachel appeared beside her. "Go home Rachel."

"I…so now you're not going to do anything with me in it at all today?"

_**Yeah because I really want to work you into a schedule I already made now that you've accused me of things I would never do.**_

"Would you, if you were me?"

"This is completely unprofessional. You can't just avoid all of my scenes because you don't want to deal with me."

"Unprofessional? I'm…you know what Rachel? I'm not the one making everything so goddamn awkward all the time."

"Seriously? You think yesterday didn't make things awkward?"

_**Things have been awkward since I came back and it was fine until you freaked out.**_

"Things were beyond tense way before that and you know it, you're the one making it worse than it has to be. Every time we take a step forward you take two giant leaps back, and I'm left reeling, trying desperately to figure out what the hell is going on."

"Don't you dare put all the blame on me, you're acting strange constantly. You walk around on that stage every day moving people, adjusting their positions and most days you stay a good three feet away from me at any given time. You treat me completely differently. You constantly avoid me like you're afraid of me and I'm supposed to just pretend not to notice?"

"What do you want from me Rachel? I don't know how to be around you anymore. I'm constantly second guessing every word that comes out of my mouth, every movement I make, afraid that it's going to come across the wrong way and send you running for the hills."

"Yeah, because I'm the one that runs away every single time things get even the slightest bit difficult."

"Oh my God! How are we supposed to get past this if you keep throwing that in my face? I get it. I screwed up. I'm clearly not going anywhere or I would have left after all you've been beating me over the head with. Stop fucking testing me and get it through your stubborn head that I'm right here in front of you willing to put up with things that I really shouldn't have to."

"Don't you dare try to pretend you're the only one this has been hard on."

"I wasn't saying that, but you don't see me accusing you of—"

"Um…Quinn?"

Her gaze shifted,her head turning towards the voice, noticing that James and the two actors had wandered back into the theater and were watching them while they argued. "Great. Just fucking great, just what I need right now."

Rachel rolled her eyes, her arms crossing in front of her when Quinn's gaze returned to her.

"Go home, Rachel." She pushed past her, opening her notebook before she began to give instructions for the scene, refusing to look anywhere but at her notebook.

The next day brought a still annoyed Quinn into the theater, glaring at James when he approached her. She had managed to focus so thoroughly on the rest of the rehearsal the day before that they were actually ahead of schedule when it came to scenes not involving Rachel. While she was clearly in an unpleasant mood the entire time, she still managed not to take it out on any of the actors, who responded well to the increased level of emotion she was adding to the scenes. James had been angry with her after witnessing the argument, ignoring her until she sent him home towards the end of the rehearsal, frustrated with his attitude.

"I decided that since we're so far ahead of schedule, it's ridiculous to keep waiting for a Cliff. I know we talked about it and thought it would be better to wait for him, but Rachel's right, we can't keep putting her scenes off just because he's not here. I knew we could get away with it because she learns her scenes so quickly, but I can't just keep her on the sidelines. It's not her fault we're missing her co-star."

"I assume that means I can stay and work today?"

She glanced up from her notebook, mildly glaring at him. "Can you keep your attitude in check?"

"Are you going to stop lying to me?"

"I didn't lie."

"You honestly still expect me to believe that you're not sleeping with her? You had her lipstick on your face and then there was that fight…come on stop pretending."

_**This whole situation is just getting way out of hand.**_

"I'm not sleeping with her."

"How are we supposed to work together when you won't even tell the truth?"

"Oh my god James. Why are you so obsessed with this?"

"She's right. You're incredibly awkward with her and if something's affecting the show, especially something that could piss off our other producer, I want to know about it."

"Every single scene I've done with her is exactly the way I want it to be. She's doing an amazing job in the role. So what's the difference if things are awkward behind the scenes?"

"This is how you lose cast members Quinn. This is how month's of work goes down the damn drain. I know you've said you think she won't quit, but what if you're wrong? Your unflappable faith in her isn't exactly shared by everyone else. The rest of us can't look at the situation and believe she won't get fed up."

"I'm not going to quit the show." They both turned, finally noticing that Rachel was sitting within ear shot, her script in her lap. "And we're not sleeping together…right now."

"Oh, for crying out loud, Rachel."

"I fucking knew it."

"Shut up James. What the hell—"

"This whole thing is ridiculous Quinn. Just tell him what he wants to know, it's not as big a deal as you've always made it out to be."

"Can I talk to you in private, please?" She said it through gritted teeth, anger and tension pouring out of her in waves even as Rachel calmly remained sedately in her seat.

"I knew you gave her this role because she was sleeping with you!" Rachel's calm disappeared at that, her eyes flashing angrily as she stood, advancing on him.

"I wasn't even speaking to her when I got this part. I deserve this role."

"James you are about two seconds away from being fired, so shut the fuck up and mind your own business." She grabbed Rachel by the arm, dragging her back to her dressing room, slamming the door and turning angrily to face her. "What the hell is wrong with you? Are you trying to sabotage your entire career? What do you think is going to happen when people start saying you only get parts because you've slept with someone? Do you even think things through before you say them?"

"Everyone already thinks that, so what's the difference?"

"The difference is you can change their minds and you're not helping anything by pulling this crap."

"Everyone already has their theories about us, there's no point anymore. Think about it, which do you think is worse, gossip or the truth?"

"The truth is that nothing is going on between us, so what exactly is it that you feel I need to clarify?"

"Nothing's going on? Is that what you've decided? That because I can't just fall into your arms and pretend nothing happened it's over?"

_**Okay, now even I'm confused. **_

She closed her eyes, taking in a deep calming breath, recognizing the hurt that had been in Rachel's eyes when she spoke and attempting to push down her anger to regain control of the situation. "That's not what I was saying. I'm saying that we aren't exactly together right now. We only see each other here and we usually fight when we do interact in between actually working. It's not like we're dating or a couple or anything at all for that matter Rachel."

"So wait, you consider yourself single?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Seriously? I tell you that I'm still in love with you, that I want to try to work it out and just because I'm trying to figure out how to do that, you don't consider us anything at all?"

_**What the hell is going on here?**_

Quinn lifted her hands to her face, rubbing her eyes while she took another deep breath. "You have got to be the most frustrating, confusing person I've ever known in my entire life."

"If it's that much of a hardship to deal with me, then maybe we should just forget it."

"No, I…would you stop taking everything I say out of context!"

"There aren't too many different ways to take that."

_**Calm, deep breaths, this is a conversation that could go very wrong.**_

_**She's being such a goddamn girl.**_

_**Um, I don't even know how to respond to that.**_

"Clearly part of the problem here is that we each thought we were in a different place. I thought you were trying to decide if you would even consider taking me back and starting over and you thought you already had. It's just…look at it from my point of view Rach, you didn't exactly make that clear. The only thing you've really convinced me of is that you don't know how to get past this. You've only really let me know what you aren't ready for yet."

"I told you I wanted to figure out how to get back to where we were, how could you possibly take that as anything other than this starts now, we move on from here…you've been telling me how much you want us back and I've been spending every second of every day focused on trying to get to a point where I can do that…why isn't that enough for you?"

"I never said that wasn't enough. I understand that this is going to take time, but you seem to barely tolerate me most of the time…we've been focusing on being friendly and whenever we venture out of that safety zone you freak out."

"What do you expect? When you touch me I feel so much and I'm afraid to get lost in that, I…you have to realize that this would be so easy to just slip right back into with you, to just let go and be with you because it's so familiar. But I'm terrified to do that. You're right, we're always fighting and right now I'm not sure I could take that level of intimacy if it's just going to be a prelude to even more arguing and hurting each other."

_**Comfort her, now.**_

Quinn took a step forward, recognizing the level of frightened vulnerability that Rachel was feeling. She reached forward, uncrossing Rachel's arms so she could slide her hands down her forearms and entangle their fingers. "Why don't we just try to take a break from all of this, all the issues we have to face I mean. Put a hold on all of the serious conversations and just try to be around each other for a while, do something together…talk about regular every day stuff. Then when we feel a little more comfortable, we can take each problem on, one at a time. I think we need to get to a place where we're less…guarded constantly, so we can actually interact instead of just constantly feeling the need to defend ourselves, to strike out."

"What, like get to know each other again? Date?"

"Sort of. If you've technically taken me back then don't you think we should start learning how to be around each other again? Maybe if we know we're not going to fight, that we're going to handle each issue slowly and calmly it won't be as difficult to actually be ourselves together, to open up like that without fear."

"I—"

"We can start with something simple, like sharing a meal during break today. We don't even have to go anywhere, we can just sit and eat and talk here…we can even leave the door open." She smiled and felt some of the tension in her shoulders dissipate when Rachel rolled her eyes and quirked up the corner of her mouth, finally nodding silently in response after she thought about it for a few quiet moments.

Quinn managed to ignore the hostility that was radiating off of James for the first half of the rehearsal. Her conversation with Rachel had put her in a much more optimistic mindset and she even found herself getting completely lost in the scenes, forgetting to keep her distance from her when she wandered around the stage adjusting small things here and there. She even found herself smiling when they neared their break, only slightly nervous when she called dinner early and headed over to her bag to stow her notebook away. When she knocked on Rachel's open door, the girl jumped in response, dropping her script on the floor, spilling water down the front of her shirt. Quinn smiled before heading in to sit across from her, tossing her a towel as she went by.

"You're surprisingly on edge."

"I just got off the phone with my father."

"What's going on that you're stressed after talking to Leroy?"

Rachel averted her gaze, picking up her water bottle and taking another sip before gesturing to her phone. "Did you want to order something specific for dinner?"

_**What was that? **_

_**I don't know. Why is she being weird about Leroy?**_

"He's ok right?"

"He's fine. I have a menu around here somewhere for this place that makes these fantastic salads."

_**Fucking salad. Why is it always salad?**_

_**Come on, you missed Rachel's obsession with raw vegetables. **_

"Okay, that sounds good." She glanced around the room, noticing a stack of menus next to Rachel's bag. She picked it up and handed them to her. "Here, which one is it?"

"This one, I know what I want, so whenever you're ready."

Quinn took a few minutes to read the menu, trying to concentrate despite Rachel's weird behavior. After she called and placed their orders, she sat back to watch Rachel, who was still staring down at her script, a vaguely uncomfortable silence stretching between them.

"So, how's Leroy? Has he come to visit lately?"

"He's good. I haven't seen him in a while though. I've been busy…so tell me about Paris."

_**Seriously, what the hell?**_

_**Maybe they talked about me coming back. Maybe he's not overly happy after the way you left.**_

_**Oh. Yeah…**_

"What about it? Come on you were there for six months, something had to happen…tell me about the movie."

"It was fine. The hours were kind of crazy."

_**Yeah, let's change the subject.**_

"That's it? The hours were crazy? That's all you've got?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"You love Paris. You must have done something worth talking about there."

"I spent a lot of time at the Louvre, but mostly I was just working. I found a few places to eat that were amazing, I did some touristy stuff…"

She shot her a strange look and turned to face her better. "Okay…how was filming?

_**Why does she have to keep asking about this? I don't want to talk about Paris.**_

"It was mostly exhausting. I mean, don't get me wrong, it was an amazing project to work on…but he's a serious slave driver. I spent more time trying to talk actors into being willing to put up with him than I did actually doing anything creative."

"I thought he was supposed to let you do a few scenes for it?"

"He did, he had to pre-approve my ideas, but he liked everything I came up with so that wasn't a problem. It was just the rest of the time that was anything but thrilling. It gave me connections though and something incredible to add to my resume. He said he'd recommend me to anyone."

"I heard you were offered a few different movies while you were still working with him."

"And how did you hear that?"

"You know, around." Rachel blushed and looked away. "How were the actors, in general?"

_**She was checking up on me.**_

_**Be happy about that after you get her to talk about something else.**_

"Fine. So, rehearsal's going well today. If we get a Cliff sometime this century, we should actually be ahead of schedule."

"Why are you being so weird about Paris?"

_**Because this is supposed to be a light fun meal and if we talk too much about everything I went through and did in Paris, it will be a massive fight instead.**_

"I didn't exactly have a good time there Rach. I was miserable. It was kind of hard to avoid places that I've been with you and it just, everything I…I don't think we should talk about it just yet."

"Well what exactly are we supposed to talk about then?" She turned her head when the delivery guy appeared at the door, blushing when they both reached for the cash they had each placed on the table, their hands lingering for a few seconds when they accidentally brushed together.

Quinn placed the food on the table, moving to sit next to Rachel on the couch so she could eat. "How about you? How was the play?"

"It was fine at first, then, as you've heard from James, things got awkward. Working with Jesse after…it didn't go well."

_**I thought we weren't going to talk about stuff like that. **_

_**Why did she have to bring him up?**_

"Yeah." Quinn could hear the sad tone to her own voice, immediately regretting the fact that she had responded.

Rachel turned lifting her hand, placing it on Quinn's back. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—"

"No, it's fine. I asked right?" She straightened her shoulder, gently dislodging Rachel's hand before leaning forward to poke at her salad. She shifted uncomfortably as an awkward silence descended over the room.

_**Okay, that didn't sound convincing at all.**_

_**Shut up, it hurts.**_

"Is either one of us going to bring up how awkward this is? Or are we trying to ignore it?"

"I'm sorry Rach, I just…I'm still having a little trouble with the idea of him."

"It was awkward before that…Is this crazy? Are we trying to do something that can't be done?"

_**Please don't say that.**_

"No, come on, it's going to be fine…eventually. We just have to give it time."

"I didn't mean us. I meant trying to be around each other without dealing with things first."

"I don't know. I just don't want to keep fighting. It hurts so much to fight with you all the time. Today, after you told me you think of this as a relationship again, I…it was the first time that I started to feel like I could breathe again, like there wasn't such a suffocating weight constantly pushing down on me." She felt Rachel shift on the couch, her hand coming up to turn Quinn's face towards her. She let her head turn, watery eyes lifting, breath catching in her chest at the surprisingly tender look in brown eyes.

She froze when Rachel leaned towards her, letting her eyes slip shut as she felt Rachel's lips brush against her own. The kiss was unhurried, their lips moving against each other gently, sweetly. Quinn pulled back when she felt something ignite, leaning her forehead against Rachel's, her eyes still closed she lifted a hand to cup the familiar face that was still leaning against her own. "What was that for?"

"I just…I wanted you to know that I appreciated you admitting something like that. If you can express that much vulnerability, then I need to work on being able to also."

Quinn kept her eyes closed, reveling in the feel of Rachel real and warm against her, wishing this moment could last forever.


	24. Chapter 24

AN: A few of you mentioned foreseeing the return of Jesse and I can't decide if I should be bothered that I'm apparently predictable, or if I should feel complimented that you're getting my story that much lol anyway, as anticipated-the return of Jesse the jackass.

Sully- I don't know why it's not showing up as italics for you, when I go to the site both on my phone and my laptop, the flashbacks are showing up in the italics I wrote them in. All of my flashback scenes are written in italics. Also, I have lines in place in my version on Microsoft word. There are long lines that cross the whole page for long scene breaks and shorter dashes for smaller scene breaks, no matter what I do I can't get them to show up on this site. I have tried different types of lines and putting them in different places and I have no idea why they won't show up on the site. If I could get them to show up I would. Beyond the lines not working on this site, they are indeed in italics.

Shadowcub- I'm sorry that you think that Rachel went too far. I disagree. I get that you don't think they should get back together, but the fact is, they are going to stay together. I'm not going to break them up and they are only going to closer as time goes on. I've stated before that Rachel wasn't the only one that slept with other people during their time apart. They were broken up, when you break up with someone, it's quite common to sleep with other people. There's an old phrase that goes 'the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else' and I have to say, a lot of people have either rebound or drunken nights after a tough break up that's just reality. Yeah, Rachel struck out and hurt her with it, but Quinn hurt her by leaving and Rachel didn't know that Quinn thought she was into Jesse. Anyway. I'm not breaking them up again, they are together for good now. I'm sorry you don't like that, but that's the route I chose.

Chapter 24—

_Quinn leaned against the doorway and watched the sheetrock dust fly across the room when one of the young men smashed a hole through it and pulled a large section of it from the wall. She rolled her eyes when the doorbell rang, knowing before she could even get to the door exactly who it would be. Her hand on the door knob, she paused and took in a deep calming breath before she finally swung the door open, her expression unreadable while she looked out at the man that stood before her. _

"_Yes?"_

"_Do you know what time it is?"_

"_I believe it's about eleven thirty."_

"_I've expressed to you on more than once occasion that I work at off hours and require quiet until late afternoon."_

"_Well, unfortunately, most of the world doesn't work that way and if I need something done in the apartment it needs to be done according to the schedule of the people who—"_

"_I'm getting more than a little fed up with the amount of noise that comes out of your apartment. First, there was all of those noises that sounded like—"_

"_I'm pretty sure we've been over this before." She fought the blush that she knew would be spreading across her cheeks, her mind thinking back to their first few weeks in the apartment and exactly what 'strange noises' or rather Rachel's refusal to be quiet during certain activities since they lived on their own. _

"_Then there was the music, followed shortly by what sounded like a herd of cattle marching through the building, then the incessant singing. Now there's this. I don't know who you think you are, but it's getting to the point where I'm losing my patience."_

"_I've explained to you on more than one occasion that Rachel is a singer and she—"_

"_I don't care if she's a singer, I want this to stop."_

"_Look, the noises you're hearing right now is from the construction that I have been forced to do to placate YOU. Your constant complaints about Rachel's singing and dance rehearsals have caused me to have to put in ridiculously expensive sound proofing and honestly, the fact that your even up here complaining about that is really pushing me to MY limits of tolerance."_

"_Carpenters do work in the evening you know."_

"_Not all of us can work around your schedule."_

"_I need my sleep."_

"_And I'm sure you'll catch up on it in a few days when all of my perfectly good floors and several walls have been demolished and replaced to accommodate your needs."_

"_I don't like your attitude young lady. This is what happens when college students have their parents pay their rent, they end up ruining what used to be a perfectly delightful building. I could contact the owner of the building and my lawyers, there are quite strict rules in the lease agreements and I could easily prove that you've violated several. In fact, I think I'll that this morning, since I'm awake now anyway."_

"_Okay, you know what? I've had enough. I've attempted to be nice about this, attempted to be accommodating and have so far refused to inform you of exactly who it is you're speaking to but you've pushed me way too far now. I own the damn building. If you want to complain, I'm sure you'll quickly find that you'll be the one out on your ass, so I suggest you invest in some goddamn ear plugs and suck it up or find someplace else to live."_

_He blinked at her, his mouth opening to reply before he raised an eyebrow and lifted his phone up to study it as if it held the answers to the universe. "We'll just have to see about that. I'm not about to take the word of someone that's barely out of their teens."_

_Quinn could feel the red creeping up into her face accompanied by the anger that steadily spread across her body. "You do that! You should be grateful that I've been so nice about it, especially after the things you said to Rachel! You're lucky you get to hear her sing, when she's on Broadway you'll be in line with everyone else longing for the days when you could hear her sing for free!" She watched as the elevator doors dinged open and he shot Rachel a dirty look when she glanced quizzically back and forth between them while she headed slowly towards the open apartment door. She stopped and looked at Quinn when the doors slid shut, her eyebrows together in confusion. _

"_What was that?"_

"_That was the unappreciative asshat that lives downstairs, who can't appreciate talent when he hears it!" The yell was directed at the closed elevator and Rachel arched an eyebrow and lifted a hand to rest on Quinn's cheek, successfully bringing her attention away from the elevator. She looked down into dark eyes, her voice lower when she finished her thought. "Connoisseur of the arts my ass."_

"_Did we switch places while I was out?"_

_Quinn frowned and stepped to the side so Rachel could get into the apartment. "He pissed me off."_

"_I can see that."_

"_He wanted to call the owner of the building and have them throw us out."_

_Rachel laughed and Quinn glared back over at the elevator. "I told you it was a bad idea to refuse to let everyone know the owner lived in this apartment."_

"_I shouldn't have to use that to make them act like civil human beings."_

_Rachel smiled, her eyes shining happily and she took a few steps towards Quinn, leaning up to place a soft kiss on her lips. _

"_That's not helping me stay mad."_

_She laughed again. "I don't really think I was going for you staying angry."_

"_Well, maybe I want to." She sighed when Rachel leaned forward to kiss her again, dropping her arms from where they had been folded across her chest to wrap them around Rachel, finally smiling into the kiss. "Totally cheating."_

"_Yup. It works to dissuade anger and cheat at board games while I have you distracted."_

"_I knew it!"_

_Rachel pulled back and shot her a flirtatious smile with a wink before she turned towards the kitchen, stopping when she saw the mess that covered most of the apartment. _

"_What's all this?"_

"_Oh, yeah, I hired a carpenter and his crew to put in this high tech soundproofing stuff in the floors and walls."_

"_Every room?"_

"_All the floors, but only the walls outer walls and the back room…" She took a step closer and wrapped her arms around Rachel's waste, her lips tickling her ear, her tone deep when she whispered against the sensitive skin. "So you still have to watch your volume when your dad comes to visit, just not quite as much since the floor has it there too."_

_Rachel turned her head into the caress, her hand lifting behind her to tangle in Quinn's hair when she felt the lips move to her throat. "You make noise too you know."_

"_Not half as loud, I blame your lung capacity."_

_Rachel laughed and jumped slightly when a loud crash sounded from the back room. "Are they breaking the whole apartment?"_

"_Close."_

_She turned in Quinn's arms and placed a long lingering kiss on her lips. "Thank you."_

"_For what?"_

"_Being willing to spend a small fortune rather than allowing him to prevent me from being able to sing at home."_

"_It's selfish really, I don't want to give up my private concerts."_

_Rachel arched an eyebrow, her expression darkening before she turned her head and pulled back when loud male voices approached from the back room, completely missing the disappointment on Quinn's face at the distraction. She shot Quinn a look that decidedly promised something interesting once they were alone before she disappeared and Quinn could hear her offering cold beverages to the workers. _

Somehow time began to fly by for Quinn. The rehearsals became seamless as she began to fall into the familiarity of working with Rachel without fighting. The tension melted away more and more each day, their ability to read each other returning faster than either had anticipated, paving the way for smoother more efficient workdays. The biggest issue shifted to the resentment James felt towards the lead actress who seemed to be able to just look at Quinn and adjust her performance appropriately based on her facial expressions. More than once, James snorted derisively and stormed off to his seat when Quinn began a sentence and Rachel adjusted whatever she was doing, leaving Quinn to trail off and smile at her. He seemed to grow more and more annoyed as the two re-learned the silent language they had developed over the years. She tried to remind herself that they still had to work through the things they had decided to put on hold, but she was finding it more and more difficult to remember when days continued days came and went with only minor squabbles that were quickly worked out.

Quinn found herself actually smiling and laughing throughout her afternoon, gently teasing Rachel over her inability to master one specific step Christie had added to one of the scenes. Quinn ended up missing most of their standing dinner date that night, finally receiving the phone call from Richard that they had all been waiting for. If things hadn't been improving so steadily with Rachel she was certain she would have lost all patience with Richard. His refusal to make a decision about Cliff's replacement had become more than a problem as time passed by and they were rapidly getting to a point where they wouldn't be able to do much more without someone in the role. As it was, his news on this particular evening left Quinn frowning angrily when she finally arrived in Rachel's dressing room.

"What's wrong?"

"Richard exists."

"What did he do now?"

"He's narrowed it down to three people, and now he wants to bring them by and have them each do a scene with you so he can decide."

"That makes sense."

"That's not the part that I'm frustrated about. He's sending them over tonight so we can spend the rest of our rehearsal preparing them for Richard tomorrow. It's a waste of rehearsal time. He should have had them prepare on their own."

"At least we'll have a Cliff by tomorrow."

"I still don't want to waste time. It's ridiculous. He's seen them do monologues. Why can't he just pick someone already? He's driving me up a wall." She flopped down onto the couch, leaning back and staring grumpily at the ceiling. She looked back towards Rachel when she heard the door close, furrowing her brow in confusion and watching while Rachel smile shyly as she walked over to the couch. "What are you doing?"

She sat down beside her, studying her silently, her eyes intense while she watched Quinn.

"I need to talk to you about something."

_**Crap, what's going on now?**_

_**What did you do?**_

_**Nothing!**_

"Rach, you're making me nervous. Did I do something? I thought things were going well..."

"No, it's not that." She leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss on Quinn's lips. "I kind of need a favor and I can't ask you to do it until I explain."

"Okay…"

"My father's coming to town this weekend and I don't want to ask him to stay at a hotel."

"Well, yeah, he's never stayed at a hotel before…" She trailed off, uncertain as to where this was going.

"Exactly. It would be weird to just ask him out of the blue."

Her eyebrow arched up when Rachel glanced down to the floor and tucked hair behind her ears, the nervous tell confusing Quinn even more. "And you need me to…I don't even know…send a car to the airport?"

"No, I…the thing is…" She nervously bit her bottom lip, finally finishing her sentence in a rush of words. "I didn't tell him we broke up."

_**Um, excuse me what?**_

_**I don't even know what to do with that.**_

"What? How is that even possible? You two talk about everything, even things that no one should ever talk to their father about."

"We got into a really big fight when he took Leroy back yet again. At first I just couldn't talk to him about it, then I just didn't want to have to deal with it. He was trying so hard to make things up to me, especially after he brought Leroy to my show to see me—"

"He what?" Her shoulders tensed, her back straightening and she sat up in her seat, her tone displaying her displeasure with the information.

She waved a hand vaguely in the air. "It's over now and we've been slowly moving past it. I just didn't ever really feel like we were in a place where I could talk to him about it and now that we're trying to work things out…"

_**This was prefaced with asking for a favor.**_

_**Yeah, about that…**_

"Okay, my anger over him trying to force Leroy on you aside…what are you trying to ask me to do here exactly?"

"I don't want to add any more stress to us working through this and I feel like… if he knew the truth it would only make things more difficult. So, I was hoping I could convince you to just act like it never happened while he's here. You know, maybe just pretend that we've been together all along."

"So, wait…" She paused, attempting to wrap her head around so much unexpected information. "…you want me to stay with you this weekend and put on a happy couple act for your father?"

Rachel's face immediately switched from nervous to hurt and she turned away, her tone displaying the level of rejection she was feeling. "Never mind, I'll figure out something to tell him. He just knows we're working on this together so I'll have to get creative…"

"Rach…I didn't say no. This is just a lot to absorb."

"Forget it. I wouldn't want you to have to suffer through 'putting on the happy couple act.'" She started to stand and Quinn grabbed her arm, shifting to move closer to her, internally berating herself for speaking her thoughts without filtering them.

_**I'm thinking you worded that really poorly.**_

_**Shut up, this is a lot to take in.**_

_**Even so, she can't really think this will be easy.**_

"No, that's not what I meant. Rach…look at me." She gently turned her face, surprised when she found brown eyes filling slightly with tears. "What just happened here? I just meant—"

"I thought things were getting better for us, that we were getting to a point where we were starting to—"

_**You're an idiot. She thought you were at a place where you were starting to be closer to actually being a couple again.**_

_**But we haven't dealt with so much, we're so far from there.**_

_**Really, you want to argue right now instead of fixing this?**_

_**How the hell do I fix this?**_

_**I have no idea.**_

_**Great, thanks you're a big help.**_

"Rach, stop. That's not how I meant that at all. It's just…we aren't in the same place we were the last time he saw us together. We were all over each other whenever we were at home, we…I just… we… we haven't gotten to a point where we're all that physical…I mean you know for the most part, the few times we've kissed aside, not that…god this so completely isn't coming out right. I'm just saying that we'd have to change how we are around each other if you don't want him to notice a difference."

"And you're not willing to do that…"

"I didn't…I don't want to rush things like I did when I pushed you up against the door and kissed you. I just don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. It's important to me that we take things as slowly as you want and sleeping in the same bed with you…I'm making this sound worse, aren't I?"

"So you're not unhappy with the way things have been going?"

"Of course not. We've been starting to feel a little more like us again and I've been ecstatic about that, but you can't deny that we're mostly friends, Rach. I mean, we're not just friends but…why am I having so much trouble with this?" She rolled her eyes at herself and bit her lip trying to calm down for a few seconds before she continued. "Things are just still kind of tense and awkward when it comes to physical interaction. I'm not saying we won't get there again, I just…you panic when…and I totally understand why, it's…I'm worried about moving things too fast by falling back into patterns while he's here and I want you to be able to trust me before…not that anything would happen I just…I—"

_**You're seriously rambling like an idiot.**_

_**Yeah thanks I didn't notice.**_

_**What the hell is wrong with you?**_

_**I don't know!**_

Rachel's expression slowly began to shift while she watched Quinn nervously ranting, a small smile tugging up the corners of her mouth. "Your rambling is completely adorable. I think you caught it from me somewhere over the years."

"I'm having trouble expressing myself properly."

"Do I make you that nervous?" Her voice was low, throaty, as she smiled not so innocently over at Quinn.

Quinn opened her mouth to respond and then closed it, Rachel's tone finally sinking in and she swallowed before arching an eyebrow. "Are you…flirting with me?"

"Maybe."

She was silent for a few seconds, unsure how to respond, thrown by the sudden shift in the woman that was sitting beside her. "Rach…we haven't dealt with so many things, you were right."

"We've been getting along more and more for over a month since we decided to try to put the fighting on hold, spending every free second together and things have been easier and easier every day. I'm not so sure trying to take another step would be such a bad idea. I mean, we've kissed a few times…and it seems like we've been flirting the last couple of dinner's we've had. Maybe it's time to try to get back into actually working on being a couple." She rolled her eyes at the nervous look that entered Quinn's features. "I'm not suggesting we jump into bed or anything, just up things a little, see how it feels."

"I don't want you to get caught up in the moment and go someplace we aren't ready for, I'm afraid of setting us back. I don't want to risk losing you over anything. We still have some difficult topics that we put on hold. I know it's been a while since our last conversation on the subject of anything physical…you made it pretty clear that you don't want that kind of intimacy while we still have the potential to fight."

"I know. It's just that, these last few weeks without all the arguing getting in the way all the time…I just feel closer to you and at this point, I think I'd rather wait until I feel like our connection is more re-established before we deal with anything big. We can't do that if we keep holding each other at a distance. When we had that conversation I didn't feel like I could trust you to still be there in the morning, so to speak. But you've been putting so much effort into us and I just..."

"Rachel—"

"Our relationship has always worked because of that deep level of intimacy we've had because a seventeen year old you somehow convinced herself to expose every physical and emotional scar to me as if a part of you knew I was the right person to do that with. I feel like that's missing right now and I want to feel that again before we tackle anything major."

"I don't know if that's the best idea."

"Look, I know we're still going to hit rough spots and there's still hurt that's going to bubble up to the surface…anger that will appear over certain things, but I'm really starting to believe that we can work through them."

She paused and took in a slow breath while she gnawed on her bottom lip. "Me too."

"We've always managed to use the physical side of our relationship to establish exactly how deep that connection between us goes, to pick up where words leave off…and you've always made me feel wanted and loved, cherished when we've been together and I think that we've reached a point where feeling like that again might actually make things easier."

Quinn lifted a hand, brushing her fingers across her face, her hand settling against her cheek a small tender smile on her face. "I always feel more connected to you too."

Rachel blushed slightly, pulling Quinn's hand down to her lap before easing the intensity of the moment. "I also think that the way you've been looking at me during some of my scenes is driving me more than a little crazy. I've been fighting our chemistry since you came back and it's getting more and more difficult to do. You've always had an intense effect on me…"

"That's not exactly one sided you know…are you sure this is what you really want? Because you don't have to do this to get me to agree to this thing with your father, I'll do it for you either way."

"I wasn't saying that to convince you to stay with me."

"I just didn't want you to feel like you had to offer me you, I'd do anything for you Rach, you have to realize that."

"Thank you." She leaned forward and pressed her lips to Quinn's, laughing lightly before pulling back. "I can't believe you asked me if I was flirting with you. Am I really that rusty?"

"No, I just couldn't believe it. You haven't flirted that blatantly with me in a really long time, it kind of seemed like I might be imagining it."

"I'll have to learn to be more direct until you re-adjust then…" She glanced up at the clock quickly before moving to straddle Quinn's lap. "How's this for direct?" Her lips descended on Quinn's, a soul shattering kiss leaving her gasping for breath when she finally pulled away to plant a row of kisses up Quinn's throat, pausing to pull an ear lobe in between her teeth before whispering in her ear. "Still wondering if this is a good idea?"

Quinn growled in response, grabbing Racel by the hips and flipping her onto her back on the couch as she moved on top of her, lips meeting hers in a hungry kiss. She eagerly explored the mouth that tangled tantalizingly with her own, re-learning every delicious inch of Rachel that she could reach. Long legs wrapped around her waist, a hand threading into her hair when she began to tease Rachel's bottom lip with her teeth. She pulled back slightly, nibbling her way down the olive throat that lay exposed beneath her. Her entire body felt as though it was on fire when Rachel arched into her in response to the lips and teeth that were alternately kissing and nibbling their way down familiar flesh. She slid her hand down Rachel's firm thigh, desire spiking through her when hips rolled up at her, encouraging her hand down to cup her ass.

Rachel turned her head, recapturing her lips as she tightened her legs around Quinn's hips, groaning in frustration when they both heard a knock on the door. "Tell them to go away." Rachel continued to kiss her, slipping her hands under Quinn's shirt to rake her fingernails down a creamy back.

"I wish I could." She pulled her head back, hating her job in that moment when she took in the sight of Rachel beneath her…eyes black, hair sexily mussed, chest rising and falling while she struggled to catch her breath. She took a deep breath and reluctantly pulled away from her, her own body protesting when she stood up and moved to the door opening it slightly to see who was there, keeping Rachel hidden from sight to give her a chance to recover. "Yes?"

"Our first Cliff is here. I wasn't sure if you wanted anyone besides Rachel to stay, we didn't really decide what scene they're doing."

_**I hate you all. **_

"Right, um…let me just grab my script and I'll be right out."

"Uh huh."

"What?"

"Nothing. Nice hair though…"

"Shut up, James." She closed the door, turning to find Rachel standing right behind her, pushing her backwards until her back was flat against the wall. She didn't even have time to close her eyes before lips descended on her own, a deep dizzying kiss blurring her thoughts before Rachel was gone just as fast as she had appeared. Quinn struggled to focus as Rachel placed her script in her hands, lifting a hand to straighten blonde hair.

"In his defense, you have total sex hair going on."

"It's not sex hair if you weren't having sex."

"Ten more minutes and that probably would have been a technicality you wouldn't be able to claim."

_**I think she's trying to kill me.**_

_**What a way to go.**_

_**Shut up.**_

"Rach, I still don't think that we should move too fa…"

"It's not my fault…I forgot how good it feels when you touch me like that."

_**Is it possible to die from frustration?**_

"That is so not helpful in the taking things a step at a time department."

"It's been a really long time and I've been fighting the urge to do that since we worked on 'Don't Tell Mama' again last week and you were giving me that look that always tells me how badly you want me."

"I stayed completely away from the stage. I was perfectly well behaved this time."

"Your eyes weren't."

_**This is going to be torture.**_

"I'm not going to survive this weekend." She pulled the door open fanning herself with her script as she headed down the hallway, Rachel following behind her closely enough to bump into her when she stopped abruptly when she noticed who was standing on the stage in front of her.

"What…warn a girl when you're going to—"

"Nick! What are you doing here?" She walked forward, lifting her arms when the actor pulled her into a hug.

_**Fuck. What is he doing here? Why does everything have to follow me all the time? Paris should have stayed in fucking Paris.**_

"Well, that didn't sound happy to see me."

"Sorry, no I'm just…surprised. I mean you mentioned something about returning to theatre for a while, but I thought you were doing a movie."

"Nah, I heard you were directing this and decided to come and see if I could work with you again."

"Oh, yeah…um, well you know I don't really have final say on who replaces Cliff."

"Richard mentioned that, but I figured it's worth a shot. I seriously thought you'd be a little happier to see me. It was such a blast hanging out with you in Paris."

_**I hate my life sometimes. **_

"Um, well I don't know if that's quite the way I'd put it…it's really good to see you, it is…oh, um this is Rachel, she's playing Sally."

"Hi, it's nice to meet you. Richard said you're amazing."

"Nice to meet you, too. So you worked with Quinn on her film in Paris?"

"Yeah, she's definitely one of my favorite people ever." He laughed, Rachel joining in politely before Quinn handed her script to him.

_**Get him out of this conversation.**_

"Well, let's get started then. What do you have prepared?"

"I did this play in college, I pretty much have it down."

"Right, okay…well why don't we have you do a quick run through with Rachel and then we can see where we are from there? Um…'Perfectly Marvelous' from the top then."

"Oh, just real quick, Richard said I'd only be doing this for a little while tonight because of the other two potentials, so I just wanted to know if you had some sort of a time frame in mind. I just need to text Sarah and let her know what time to meet me here."

"Sarah? Like Sarah, Sarah?"

"Oh hey, yeah…um we're kind of dating, it's cool if she comes around once and a while right? I mean I know you two had a thing for a whi—"

_**Fuck. Just kill me now. This is not how she was supposed to find out about this. I was going to sit her down and talk to her and then she had to straddle me…**_

_**You could have told her sooner. **_

_**And ruin the little headway I was making, no I needed the right time.**_

"No! No, I mean that's fine…"

"What was that?" Rachel took a step closer, her eyes shifting away from the amused look she had being giving her while she watched Quinn's face.

"You're a pretty quick learner this shouldn't take more than two hours. Let's get to work." Quinn gestured for Nick to take his place on the stage, glaring at him slightly before turning to move to her seat.

They ran through the scene several times, working better together than Quinn originally thought they would. She didn't really see the need to bother working with the other potential's by the time they were almost done and she let them know she was going to give Richard a call to suggest they just use Nick for the role. She left James in charge so they could run through the scene one more time while she made the call. When she came back they were sitting drinking water while they chatted and Quinn inwardly cringed at the idea of Nick talking to Rachel before she had a chance to clear the air about how she had spent some of her time in Paris.

"You don't look happy."

"I'm not…I might try to buy Richard out."

"What?" Rachel shifted, sitting up straighter before she looked up at Quinn.

"I don't need the role that badly, Quinn…"

"It's not that, Nick…he narrowed it down to you and one other possibility. But he won't budge on the other actor. In fact he's heavily leaning towards wanting him for the part. So I put in a call to my lawyer and asked him to find out what it would take to buy Richard out."

"Well, where is he? Maybe I can beat him out anyway."

"I told him to call him and tell him not to come, that I wouldn't work with him. Richard had a fit and wants to bring him over personally."

"I'm confused, I know I'm fun to work with but—"

"It's Jesse." She kept her eyes locked with Rachel's, waiting for her response.

The smile completely left her face, the color draining from her cheeks and she swallowed thickly before she responded. "I don't feel all that comfortable working with him."

_**And I do?**_

"I know. It's going to take them a while to get here, by the time they do Michael will be here with an offer ready. "

James took a step towards them. "Are you really letting her dictate who is or isn't in the show now? This is getting out of control, Quinn."

_**I'm starting to seriously dislike you, James.**_

"It's not just Rachel, I won't work with him either."

"What's the problem with him?"

_**He fucked my girlfriend on our bedroom floor.**_

_**Don't you dare say that!**_

"We've both known him for a really long time and… it's just not happening."

"Wait, his name is Jesse…didn't you work with a Jesse on your last show, Rachel? Is this one of the many cast members you—"

_**Fire him.**_

_**Shut up.**_

"Don't you dare even finish that sentence." Quinn fixed him with a steady glare, her voice low, slightly threatening. "Rach, I'll find a way to fix it. If all else fails, I'll buy out your contract and I'll produce something else."

"I'm not going to let you do that, we've put months of hard work into this show. I'm not going to leave everyone hanging for my own comfort level. If I have to work with him, I'll find a way to do it. I'm not sure it's even going to really matter. Richard might not even decide to cast him. We don't exactly have good stage chemistry, anymore. He'll probably prefer Nick for the role after he sees us perform."

_**I can't watch you with him, Rachel, please don't make me.**_

"I don't want you to have to do a scene with him, I…" She trailed off, not wanting to have the rest of the conversation while other people were around.

"It's my job, Quinn. It's fine. Call Michael and tell him he doesn't need to come all the way down here. Let's wait and see what happens. It might not even be a problem. I'm sure Richard will choose Nick."

_**Why isn't she freaking out?**_

"How are you so calm about this?"

"In the grand scheme of things, this isn't that big of a deal. I worked with him for over a year. Two hours isn't going to kill me."

She paused and glanced at the other people around them, sighing softly before she altered her next question. "Why are okay with…do you want to work with him?"

"Of course not."

She turned her gaze to Nick, her expression suddenly wary. "Were you talking about Paris while I was on the phone? About Sarah?"

"What? Yeah, why?" Nick looked back and forth between the two of them, noticing the tension that was forming.

"Seriously, Rachel? That's what this is about, isn't it? You want him here to—"

"If I were you, I'd stop right there and think about exactly what you're accusing me of. Really think about it. Then I'd seriously reconsider the idea." Her voice was low, a dangerous tone to it, her eyes narrowing while she stared up at Quinn. "And if you must know, we were talking about how Nick convinced Sarah to go out with him the last week they were there. It's really quite a sweet story, but I imagine that's not what you were referring to. Now, if Nick's going to get this role, we should get back up there and keep working until it's perfect." She stood, brushing past Quinn as she headed for the stage, a still confused Nick in tow.

Quinn came back from her phone call to Michael in time to see Richard and Jesse standing on the stage with everyone else, Rachel looking more than slightly uncomfortable while Jesse talked to her. She braced herself, moving to stand in front of the stage.

_**Don't kill him.**_

_**I wasn't going to… well not here anyway, where people could see.**_

"Does he have anything prepared to try out with Rachel, or are we wasting more of my rehearsal time?"

"I have 'perfectly marvelous' ready. I did it for my audition."

"Fine, let's see it. Then we'll look at Nick and Rachel." She turned away, already having trouble looking at the two of them standing next to each other without picturing him touching her.

She sat down further back than she usually did, Richard taking a seat beside her. She silently prepared herself to enter her own personal hell while she watched them quickly going over how it was blocked out before taking their places and beginning. Quinn could feel heat rising up into her cheeks when Rachel absorbed herself in the role, flirting appropriately with the man that shared the stage with her. When she settled herself on his lap, her discomfort only visible to the audience member that knew her body so well, he looked out smirking right at Quinn his hand resting a little too high on a tan thigh.

By the end of the song, Quinn was barely containing her urge to get him as far away from her as possible. Rachel finished her last words, lifting her arms around his neck and freezing, barely even getting a chance to respond when he pulled her close to him, his hands sliding down towards her ass. Quinn was up and already on the stage before she even realized she had moved, shoving him back when she reached him.

"Didn't like the performance I take it?"

_**Screw it, I might kill him.**_

"Don't push me, Jesse. You grab her like that again and it'll be the last thing you ever do on a stage."

"I take it Rachel told you about your birthday."

"Jesse!" Rachel's voice angrily hissing his name only seemed to increase the smirk on his face.

He took a step forward, lowering his voice to whisper in Quinn's ear as Richard and James stood, beginning to make their way towards the stage. "She loved every second of it, all that pent up tension since high school that we added to every night on that stage, all that flirting right under your nose. I took her back to your bedroom that night and I made every…last…inch of her mine." He leaned back, smiling smugly at her before lifting his eyes to smile at Richard while he approached. Quinn saw red. She didn't even realize her hand had fisted, her arm pulled back to hit him until Rachel was suddenly between them, looking up into her eyes while she spoke.

"You're right, Quinn, we should do it the way you told us to. That was too much for the scene. You really don't have to take the time to show us again. Nick knows it the original way."

_**What?**_

_**She's covering for you, you idiot. You almost hit him.**_

_**He deserved it.**_

"Everything okay up here?" Richard stopped beside them, frowning slightly.

"Oh, well you know, Quinn…she's just so overprotective of her cast. We should have told her we were going to try something different."

"Ah, good idea, keeps actors loyal to the production." He nodded, turning around and heading back towards his seat.

_**I hate him, I hate him.**_

_**Got that, focus…Rachel just saved your ass, go with it.**_

Rachel shot Quinn a small glare before turning her around and gently shoving her towards the edge of the stage. Heading for her starting position on once again, smiling at Nick when he passed her. The hours of rehearsal they had put into the performance blew Jesse's out of the water and Richard was clearly impressed when they froze in their final positions, immediately turning to Quinn and admitting that Nick was indeed the better choice for the part.

Rachel was back in her dressing room, searching for her phone when Quinn appeared at the doorway.

"Did you check the couch cushions?"

Rachel shot her an annoyed glance before moving to search the couch. "Do you have any idea how badly things could have gone if you had hit him?"

"I know. Thank you for covering."

"What were you thinking?"

_**That he was shoving it in my face, that he has no right to claim you as his, you're not.**_

"He said the wrong thing and I just reacted. "

"In other words, you weren't thinking at all."

"Look, you covered, he bought it—"

"Which was a miracle. By the way."

"It's over. We got who we wanted for the part. Let's just forget it."

"How do you think that request is going to go for you?"

_**Please, Rach, the things he said…I need to not fight with you right now.**_

_**Yeah, I don't think that's something that's going to happen.**_

"Rachel—"

"No, I'm sorry, forget it? You've given me such a hard time about my supposed indiscretions and you never thought that maybe you should tell me about this Sarah girl?"

_**Oh right. I forgot all about that. Fuck. **_

"It's not—"

"Were you ever planning on telling me at all? The things I've done are open for discussion, but you get to keep secrets from me?"

"You told me that to hurt me, I didn't want to throw it in your face."

"From where I'm standing it doesn't seem like you ever would have told me."

"Would that have been so bad? Why would you want to hear that?"

"Because I deserve to know the truth!"

"It didn't mean anything to me, I was just hurting and it was…she reminded me of you."

"So when I find out that you did it, it shouldn't matter to me. But when I did it—"

"That's completely different! You did that just to hurt me, you wanted me to know to make me suffer…"

"Oh, so I'm supposed to believe you were just sparing my feelings by lying to me."

"I didn't lie, I never said I didn't sleep with anyone else."

"Oh, well that just makes it so much better then."

"Rachel—"

"No, why would you think it was okay to keep this from me?"

"To avoid situations like this one…"

"Like what? Another fight?"

"No… from having to sit there and look at the person that you were with, from having to imagine him touching you."

"Oh please.""

"Do you know what it was like just now to watch you on that stage with him? Every time I looked at you, I could see him…could picture him on top of you…it was torture! And then having to hear him taunt me about it right to my face…you got exactly what you wanted from the situation, you hurt me on a level I don't even want to think about."

"Then I guess we're a little closer to being even."

_**Well that hurt. I thought we were past this.**_

_**I don't think I can handle this… not right now.**_

"You know what, I don't think I can have this conversation right now."

"Excuse me?"

"We've been working really hard to get back to a place where we were actually okay around each other and I don't want to throw all of that away just because we're both hurting right now."

Rachel's eyes blazed angrily even as she grabbed her bag and her coat, pausing when she was next to Quinn, her body stiff her eyes refusing to look at her when she spoke. "You should thank James for a change. If we had actually had sex on that couch this afternoon, I never would have forgiven you for letting it happen without telling me about her first."

Quinn overslept the next morning, having spent most of her night with her thoughts racing to a degree that seemed to make sleep almost impossible. When she arrived at the theatre, she still found herself debating if it was a blessing or a curse that they would only be working with Nick and Rachel for the day.

"Hey, what's with the sunglasses? Wild night?"

"Oh yeah, you know how those empty hotel rooms can get crazy."

"Hotel? I thought you lived in New York."

"Yeah, I do...I'm not really living in my apartment right now. It's kind of complicated."

"You have an apartment and live in a hotel, how could that possibly be complicated?" He grinned lopsidedly at her and she rolled her eyes.

"You have no idea how complicated my life really is, Nick."

"Well, at least it's interesting."

"I think a little boring would make me ecstatic right now."

"You should do absolutely nothing this weekend, just lay in bed and be bored. Before you know it, you'll be craving complicated."

"I doubt—damn it, today's Friday isn't it?"

"Last time I checked that wasn't a bad thing, are you still that much of a workaholic?"

"No, I just have to do something this weekend that I'm not sure is going to go well."

"Something complicated?" He grinned again and playfully shoved her with his shoulder.

"So complicated I don't think I could even explain it without sounding slightly insane."

"You know, my sister's a therapist if you ever need one."

She smiled, her face dropping when she looked up and spotted Rachel heading into the room with her father in tow. "You know what, I think I might actually want to give her a call. Until I do, just play along with whatever's about to come out of my mouth."

"What—"

"Hiram! What are you doing here?" She returned the beaming man's hug, attempting to catch Rachel's evasive gaze over his shoulder.

"There's my other daughter, it's been so long! How was Paris? You have to tell me everything. Rachel's been absolutely no help at all with details."

"Oh, well there's not much to tell, we kept a pretty intense work schedule."

"I imagine you must have since I haven't heard from you in months and months."

"Yeah, um…I thought you weren't coming until tonight?"

"I decided to surprise my girls. You should have seen the look on Rachel's face when she opened the door."

She increased the fake smile on her face, pushing down the discomfort when Rachel continued to avoid her gaze. "I can imagine. I…must have just missed you. I had a million things to do today."

"I can't tell you how glad I am that you're back. The idea of Rachel alone in that big empty apartment just—"

"Daddy, this is Nick, he's my co-star."

"Hello, Nick."

"Hi, it's nice to meet you." He shook the man's hand, doing a fairly decent job of not looking completely confused.

"So, we actually have to get started. I'd invite you to watch but we're only working with Rachel and Nick today so you'd probably be bored."

"I actually have a conference to go to today anyway, that's why I stopped by so early." He threw an arm around Quinn's shoulders and squeezed while he pointed a playful finger at her. "But I will be digging for more details about your big project later over dinner and—"

"You're going to be late, Daddy."

He glanced down at his watch. "I'm already late. I'll see you later girls." He hugged them both before disappearing from the theatre.

"Why would you bring him here?"

"Have you completely forgotten what my father's like? He wanted to see you."

"I noticed."

"This isn't going to be easy for me either, you know." She turned and walked away from her, leaving Quinn with a still very entertained Nick.

"So, I'll ask my sister to do me a favor and make sure she has a time slot open for you."

She rolled her eyes. "Thanks."

The rehearsal went more smoothly than Quinn had anticipated, Nick's cheerful sense of humor often breaking the tension the two women were exuding. She had initially intended to try to clear the air as much as she could with Rachel during their dinner break, but Richard had called to discuss the possibility of letting a friend of his step in to take care of the wardrobe. The conversation had been frustrating and longer than necessary, as was par for the course with Richard. She ended up having to agree to meet with the woman later on that evening. Rachel had been less than happy when she found out Quinn would be arriving to meet with her father later than originally planned.

By the time she arrived at the apartment, she realized that at least the meeting had given her an excuse to have a bag with her when she walked through the door. Hiram and Rachel were sitting on the couch talking when she finally worked up the nerve to enter the room.

"There she is…wow, you look thoroughly exhausted, Quinn."

"I've been a little stressed out lately. My co-producer isn't the easiest man to work with."

Rachel darted a nervous glance at her and she attempted to ignore it as she walked over to kiss her hello, trying to make it seem as though it was something she still did every day. She could feel Rachel stiffen when she sank down onto the couch next to her and her heart sank a little. She knew she was still upset with her, but the idea that she didn't melt into her the way she used to stung more than she cared to admit.

"So how are you adjusting to being back home?"

"It's taking some getting used to. It seems like I was gone forever, it's really good to be in this apartment. Hotel rooms don't really reach a point where they ever feel like home to me."

"That must be the lack of Rachel." He winked, leaning over to squeeze Rachel's arm.

"That's definitely a big factor." She tried to keep the sadness out of her voice, knowing she wasn't entirely successful when Hiram smiled gently.

"You even sound tired."

"I didn't sleep much last night, I was thinking about something that happened at work yesterday."

"You're a real workaholic lately."

"You should have seen me in Paris. I barely did anything besides work."

"Oh I don't know, weren't Nick and _Sarah_ saying something about how much fun you can be?"

Quinn pulled her arm back from around Rachel's shoulders in response to the comment, stretching and lifting her hand to massage her neck. "Would you guys mind if I took a shower? I have a ridiculous headache."

"Not at all, we have the whole weekend."

She stood, turning to flash Rachel a slightly annoyed and pained look once she was out of Hiram's line of sight.

She was in a pair of pajama bottoms and a tank top, towel drying her hair, staring at the floor, when Rachel walked into the bedroom.

"What are you doing?"

She jumped slightly, surprised out of her thoughts. "Drying my hair."

"No, I mean, are you going to come up with excuses to avoid my father the entire time he's here?"

"I honestly have a headache. Like I said, I didn't sleep last night and this situation didn't help. It isn't exactly stress free."

"Well, you're off the hook for tonight. He decided to go to bed early."

"He must have had a ridiculously early flight to get here when he did." She watched Rachel grabbing pillows out of the closet, her brow furrowing in confusion. "What are you doing?"

"I haven't slept in this room in months. We have to make the bed."

She glanced over at the bed, wondering how she hadn't noticed the bare mattress. "Oh, right. Did you want me to sleep somewhere else?"

"Like where? The floor?"

She felt a look of utter disgust cross her own features. "I am _not _sleeping on this floor."

Rachel paused at that, finally looking at her. "It could've been worse. I could have used the bed. It definitely would have been less strenuous on his back."

"Nice Rachel, really nice…you know I don't have to be here, I'm doing this for you."

"Do you do favors for all your girlfriends? Or am I special?"

"What is your problem?"

"You lied to me."

"No, I didn't."

"You told me you were miserable in Paris."

"I was."

"Yeah, somehow I find that hard to believe now."

"So you were happy when you were fucking Jesse?"

"That was a mistake. I was too drunk to even stand, never mind make a halfway decent decision."

"And you think I was sober when I was with her?"

She threw the sheet she had picked up down on the bed in a rumpled pile, her hands on her hips when she turned to look at her. "How many times did you sleep with her?"

Quinn averted her gaze, turning back in time to duck when a pillow flew past her head.

"You had a goddamn relationship with her."

"It wasn't a relationship. It was a few drunken nights. We were both trying to get over people. It was convenient. That's all." Another pillow thudded softly into the wall, Quinn's eyes darting to the bed to see how much ammunition she had left.

"You had an ongoing…thing with her and you weren't even going to tell me."

"I planned on telling you Rachel, I was waiting for the right time. I told you, I didn't want to hurt you for no reason."

She grabbed another pillow, her hand fisting in it before she clutched it to her body and sank down to the edge of the bed. "You weren't supposed to feel that way with anyone else. You can't honestly tell me that you didn't develop some sort of affection for her when you were sleeping with her regularly."

Quinn sighed softly, taking a step closer to the angry girl. "I didn't develop any feelings for her at all and don't you think it's more than a little hypocritical for you to tell me you didn't feel anything for Jesse, but refuse to believe that I could just have casual sex with someone?"

"I slept with him once and only once." Her voice softened and she shoved the pillow back to the bed beside her, her eyes on the floor. "I never slept with anyone besides you more than once. And since when is casual sex an option for you? Unless you lied to me when you told me that giving your body to someone meant something to you."

"What makes you think I let her… look, I was in pain, Rachel. I wanted five minutes of my entire fucking day where I wasn't thinking about you constantly. I wanted to feel like I wasn't completely alone in the entire world. Do you have any idea how impossible you are to get over?"

Her eyes lifted to Quinn, then dropped to the floor once more, one hand twisting a ring that was not on her finger out of habit. "Then you shouldn't have tried. You should have just come home where you belonged."

She lowered her voice, taking another step towards her. "Don't you think I wanted to? I thought you were with him and how do you think it would have gone if I did show up to find you…you'll have to excuse me if I paraphrase a little, _loving every minute of it while he made every inch of you his._" She felt some of her anger dissipate slightly when Rachel's face paled.

"Is that what he said to you?"

"Close enough."

She sighed and let silence stretch between them, her eyes studying Quinn's face before she looked down at her own hands and stopped their movement. "Why couldn't you have just told me about her?"

"I tried to talk to you yesterday. You told me you wanted to put off the big stuff until you felt more connected to me. What was I supposed to say to that? Oh by the way, Rach, I was screwing this girl in Paris to help me forget how much my life sucked without you."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better? You were still with her and you still should have told me sooner."

"When Rachel? When should I have told you? After you told me about Jesse? How do you think that conversation would have gone? Can you honestly tell me you wouldn't have hated me for throwing that in your face just to get back at you?"

She suddenly and angrily slammed her hands on either side of her on the bed and pushed herself up before she lightly shoved a surprised Quinn backwards, her voice furious. "You left me! You weren't supposed to be able to even look at anyone else because of what you walked away from!"

"Rachel—"

"Don't you get how much no one else was supposed to be like that with you!"

She took a step forward again, fully aware that she might get shoved back again and not caring as her own anger swelled up into her chest. "Apparently you weren't listening to anything I just said, or you would understand exactly how much I get how you feel! Do you think the idea of you with all those other people doesn't drive me absolutely crazy?"

She stared down at the woman before her, suddenly noticing the brown eyes that were blazing darkly up at her, the way she was slightly out of breath from yelling…the tense energy that was flowing steadily between them.

The air seemed to crackle around them as something snapped and suddenly Rachel was in her arms, their lips blindly seeking each other out. She felt Rachel pushing her shirt up and she lifted her arms, pulling back long enough to toss it somewhere behind her before crushing their lips back together, her tongue seeking a quickly granted entrance. Nails scratched down her back before shifting to slide around her hips, moving up to cup her now exposed breasts. She gasped into the mouth that hungrily moved with her own at the feel of familiar hands massaging the sensitive peaked flesh. She reached down and lifted her up, helping her wrap her legs around her waist while she took the two steps to the bed, sinking down on top of her into the pile of blankets and pillows that still lay scattered across the mattress.

She felt Rachel's hips arch up against her, a moan escaping into her mouth when she pressed her hip bone against the heat that was radiating from between the thighs that wrapped even tighter around her. She slid her hand around to tease a nipple through Rachel's shirt, succumbing to the insistent pressure of her hands when she turned them over, straddling Quinn's thighs while she lifted her shirt over her own head. Brown eyes fluttered open and locked with hers as she slowly bent back down, pressing skin to hot skin and gasping before reclaiming kiss reddened lips. She lifted Quinn's hands in her own, placing them on her breasts while she ground down against her, her breathing becoming choppy and uncontrolled. Quinn rolled them again, moving her mouth down to swirl her tongue around an erect nipple, gently teasing the raised flesh with her teeth when she felt hands tangle in her hair.

She kissed her way back up Rachel's throat, pausing when the hand in her hair turned her head and teeth raked against her ear lobe. Her hand slid up a bronzed thigh, under the hem of the shorts she was wearing to cup her ass, raking her fingernails back down as her hand descended, pulling her leg back around her hip when she began to move her thigh in small circles against Rachel. The mouth that had been nibbling and sucking the flesh of her throat stilled and suddenly hot breath was tickling the shell of her ear.

"Tell me you want me…only me."

"I've only ever really wanted you, Rach. It's always been you."

Her eyes rolled shut, her hips jerking as Rachel's hand wrapped around her wrist, guiding Quinn's hand under the waistband of her shorts to the pool of wetness that lay beneath them. The matched need to reclaim Rachel overwhelmed her and she slid her hand down immediately, plunging two fingers into her, reveling in the sound of the moan that escaped her lips when Rachel's body arched up against her.

She closed her eyes, pausing for a second when she felt her breath catch at the hot silky familiarity that came with being inside Rachel once again. Nails dug into her back and hips rolled forward against her, begging her to move her hand and she opened her eyes again, dropping her head to swirl her tongue around a nipple while she curled her fingers further into the body beneath her own. She bit gently down onto the raised flesh in her mouth before lifting her head to re-capture lips that sought her out, even as she curved her fingers up, slipping into the smooth motion that she had learned so well over the years. Rachel pulled back, dropping her head to the side when Quinn shifted her thumb up to the sensitive clit that begged for attention, knowing exactly what Rachel needed even as she felt a familiar tremble beginning to move up tan thighs. She lowered her head, raking her teeth against a pebbled nipple while she sped up her movements, continuing to curve her fingers as she thrust them back and forth inside the walls that were beginning to tighten around her hand.

She lifted her eyes to watch Rachel's face as she felt the body below her own tense, darker shoulders pushing hard into the mattress when her hips arched into the air, a loud hiss of jumbled praise shifting into a moan while Quinn watched her fly over the edge, her own hazel gaze darkening at the sight. She slowed her movements, watching Rachel's limbs twitch while she drew out the orgasm with her now sluggish movements, finally slipping her hand free as she felt arms pull her down against the sated body below hers. She loved this moment, the brief window of time right before Rachel recovered, it always made her feel as though she were a part of her while their bodies hummed a tune only they understood while they lay wrapped around each other.

"God, I missed the way you know my body. No one has ever made me feel the way you do."

_**It probably took him hours to get her anywhere near the orgasm he couldn't actually help her reach.**_

Quinn smiled against the hot flesh under her cheek, feeling more than slightly smug that she was able to make Rachel feel more than Jesse could ever dream. She lifted her head when she felt a hand pushing back on her shoulder, succumbing and falling backwards onto the mattress even as Rachel began to reign kisses down her neck. She closed her eyes, lifting her arms above her head to lightly clutch the edge of the mattress, knowing Rachel's intent as she steadily kissed her way down her body. She paused, her mouth hovering over a nipple while she looked up into Quinn's eyes, her hand dipping down to the wetness that ached between hot creamy thighs.

"You're mine. Say you're mine." Rachel's voice was husky, a low possessive growl that drove a spike of desire through Quinn's entire body.

"I'm yours, baby. I always have been."

Rachel kept her eyes locked with the hazel gaze that watched her as she leaned down to tug a nipple into her mouth, lightly grazing her teeth against it. Her hand gently teased her way around Quinn's clit, avoiding the sensitive flesh before she slipped back up to hook her fingers around the waist band of her pants. Quinn lifted her hips in the air to help Rachel remove the few remaining clothes she still wore, immediately bending to place small nips across her hip bone before glancing up at Quinn, her eyes smoldering while she ran a finger ever so lightly down the length of her.

"Did she do this for you?" Quinn remained silent, swallowing at the look in the almost completely black eyes that watched her. "Did she make you feel like this?"

"No one makes me feel like you do."

Dark depths twinkled, her smile growing as Quinn jerked slightly against the gentle touch, her eyes closing her head pushing back into the pillow at the first swirl of Rachel's tongue against her.

She tightened her grip on the mattress, her back arching up when she felt Rachel's tongue beginning to flick back and forth across her clit as a finger lightly teased her entrance. She felt a moan rip through her body when Rachel slid into her, immediately pulling back out only to thrust in again. It had been so long since she felt like this, her whole body on fire, the entire world disappearing at the feel of Rachel touching her. Skilled fingers inside of her became the only reality that mattered. She had been convinced she would never be here again, in their bed with her Rachel touching her, pushing her body in all the right ways as only she seemed to know how. Her hips began to dance against the hand that was still thrusting against her, she gripped the material in her hands painfully tight as Rachel pushed forward, pulling her clit into her mouth as she increased the insistent flick of her tongue against the torturously aroused flesh. She felt the fingers curve into her as Rachel suckled her, focusing the tip of her tongue against her clit when she felt her entire body tense…coiling, before finally exploding as her hips rocked against the mouth that still worked against her. She could hear Rachel's name coming from her own lips as she tangled her fingers into dark hair, riding out her orgasm while she held the woman between her legs against her before collapsing back onto the bed. She was vaguely aware of Rachel crawling up her body before settling down next to her, arms coming around her even as she felt consciousness slipping away from her.


End file.
